1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,172
I cannot believe the kids are
still asleep on a Sunday.
2
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,041
I know, this is nice.
3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,710
Just the two of us.
4
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:08,738
Hmm.
5
00:00:08,743 --> 00:00:09,683
It's romantic, even.
6
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,037
(both laugh)
7
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,306
What's that?
8
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:16,222
My hand-- too early?
9
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,217
No, no, that's your parents' RV.
10
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,650
What?
11
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,094
I thought they were driving
around the country,
12
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:24,059
going 40 in the fast lane
and wearing
13
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,058
giant sunglasses
over their regular glasses.
14
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:29,160
Well, my mom called me
from Santa Fe last week.
15
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:32,733
All she talked about was buying
salsa from a nice Mexican lady.
16
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:35,133
Why do they always have
to mention the ethnicity
17
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:36,336
of the people in their stories?
18
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,097
Because they're
old white people.
19
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,766
That's what they do.
20
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:43,436
Oh, man, that's what I just did.
21
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:46,384
Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa,
where are you going?
22
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,050
To welcome them.
(muttering):
Oh, oh, wait. Oh, oh.
23
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:51,220
Before you go out there,
I should probably mention
24
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,348
that I never told them
about you going back to work
25
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:54,754
and me watching the kids.
26
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,755
What? Well, why not?
27
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,217
I knew if I told them, I would
never hear the end of it.
28
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,186
Plus, I thought maybe
by the time they got back,
29
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,485
this whole thing with you
going back to work
30
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,156
would've blown over.
31
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,255
My dreams and aspirations
32
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,126
would've just blown over?
33
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,204
Yeah, things blow over.
34
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,343
Like the way you're
feeling right now.
35
00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:12,838
Blow it over!
36
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,270
(door opens)
37
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:16,305
Oh, there they are!
Mom, Dad,
38
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,810
what a surprise.
Hi, Joe.
39
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:19,212
Ah!
40
00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:20,683
Mmm. Good to see you.
41
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,211
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh.
42
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,076
(laughing)
Look at you.
43
00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:25,815
Hi, Bev.
(laughing)
44
00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:29,250
Oh, come on. You don't kiss
an Italian mama on the cheek.
45
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,186
The lips-- we want the lips.
Oh, okay.
46
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:33,132
Ah, look at your wife.
47
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,157
She gets prettier every
day, like that actress.
48
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,202
Bev, what's her name?
From the movies.
49
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:39,298
Catherine Zeta Jones.
No, the one with teeth.
50
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,200
They all have teeth.
51
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,102
Uh, Julia Roberts!
52
00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,574
You look just like
Julia Roberts.
53
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:47,342
Oh, come on.
(scoffs)
54
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,481
You know, maybe a little.
55
00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,407
And you.
56
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:53,482
Well, you're doing
the best you can.
57
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:57,121
But you really punched
above your weight with this one.
58
00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,488
So, uh, what are you guys
doing back in Pittsburgh?
59
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,217
It's just a pit stop
on our way
60
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,122
to see the world's
largest Hershey bar.
61
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,264
It's as big as a table.
62
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,259
A small table.
Yeah.
63
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:11,261
Or a large book, but we still
want to see it for some reason.
64
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,755
Oh, and Dad's back
needed a rest.
65
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:15,266
Those roads are
full of potholes.
Yeah.
66
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:18,469
Thanks, Obama.
67
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,212
Oh, by the way, your mailbox
jumped out in front of me
68
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,538
on the way in.
It didn't make it.
69
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,181
Did you bring us any presents?
70
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,283
Of course we did.
You got the bag, Bev.
71
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,285
Ooh, let's see.
72
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:36,517
For Teddy, take a look at this.
73
00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:38,224
ADAM:
Oh, I had
74
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:40,355
one of those, Teddy.
It's a switchblade comb.
75
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,762
Or just a switchblade.
76
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,665
Wow! Thanks!
77
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,827
Wow!
78
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,165
Thanks!
79
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,170
Yeah, a knife for my son
80
00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:54,242
who cut himself
on a Hula-Hoop.
81
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:58,281
And, Kate, how about
some genuine Kentucky fireworks?
82
00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,749
(laughs)
83
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,775
Whoa, these are bottle rockets!
Mm.
84
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,353
It's about to get real, Teddy.
85
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,522
We haven't forgotten
about you, Peanut.
86
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,291
Oh!
Bring him out, Bev.
87
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,690
Him?
88
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,221
Mm-hmm.
89
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,786
A turtle. Yay!
90
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,394
Yeah, that's
an endangered tortoise
91
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,226
we found on the side
of the road.
92
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:20,231
It was hard to get that little
electronic tag off it,
93
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,674
but luckily, we had
Teddy's switchblade.
94
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,741
Okay, why don't you
guys run upstairs,
95
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,339
and Mommy and I will
96
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:29,441
donate these
to needy criminal children.
97
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,313
Your parents are
a couple of squares!
98
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,280
Mom! Dad!
99
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:38,252
Oh, who is
this handsome guy?
100
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,452
Is it Tom Selleck or my son?
101
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,394
It's me! It's Don!
102
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,619
(laughs)
103
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,294
Tom Selleck?
104
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:47,632
I've eaten Cheetos that
look more like Tom Selleck.
105
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:49,258
They think I look
like Julia Roberts.
106
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,633
(groans)
107
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,601
Joe, Bev, so great
that you're back!
108
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,371
Oh, well, don't worry.
109
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,469
We won't be expecting
to stay at your house.
110
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,840
We know you like
your privacy.
111
00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,468
Oh, Bev,
that was almost 20 years ago.
112
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:02,344
Was it? Wow.
113
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,243
Seems like yesterday.
114
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:06,905
Joe, do you remember when
Marcy put us up in a hotel
115
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,754
instead of letting
us stay with them?
116
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,319
Like it was yesterday.
See?
117
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,578
So how's the road trip going?
118
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,346
Have a seat.
Oh.
119
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,985
Culturally speaking, it's
been quite an education.
120
00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:17,390
Yeah.
121
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,891
We have seen some things.
Oh.
122
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:22,432
We stopped
at a gas station in Arizona.
123
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,929
They got five different
flavors of jerky.
Hmm.
124
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,402
You just don't see that
on the East Coast.
No.
125
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:28,871
No. They even had teriyaki.
126
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,869
Very exotic.
Yeah.
127
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:34,371
You know, all jerky's made
in China now, right?
128
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,705
Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that.
BEV: Mm-hmm.
129
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,310
Yeah, they're just
rubbing it in our faces
130
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,512
with this teriyaki stuff.
131
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,275
So, what's new
around here?
132
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:44,524
Oh, well, um,
Adam's got some
133
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:46,618
fun news to tell you about,
right, honey?
134
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,620
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
135
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,291
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
136
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:50,420
No, I don't. No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
137
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,294
I will keep going.
Oh. Fine.
138
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,704
Uh, yeah, uh, Andi has gone
back to work at the lab,
139
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,627
so I'm taking care of the
kids after school and stuff.
140
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,303
You're taking care
of the kids?
141
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:02,602
Like a nanny?
142
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:03,843
(chuckles)
143
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,867
No, like a father.
144
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,313
If the father's a nanny.
145
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:08,708
(laughter)
146
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,379
You got the looks
and the funny.
147
00:05:11,378 --> 00:05:12,808
BEV:
Well, why shouldn't
148
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,383
the man watch the kids
and the woman work?
149
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:17,852
I mean, I'm a woman,
and I'm many things.
150
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,851
A wife, a mother,
a tender lover.
151
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,524
No. No. No, no. No.
152
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:26,023
I think what you two are doing
is very modern.
153
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,986
Andi, I'm proud of you.
154
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,356
Oh. Thanks, Bev.
155
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,534
You're like a daughter to me.
156
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,432
Oh.
157
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,733
My one daughter.
158
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,795
Come on, Bev.
You've got two daughters.
159
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,044
Thank you, Joe.
160
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,408
I meant Adam now that
he's watching the kids.
161
00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:44,443
You see what happens
when I tell him stuff, huh?!
162
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,505
Okay, honey, relax, okay?
163
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,354
I mean, in a few days, they'll
be off to see the world's
164
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,420
slightly-larger-than-average
chocolate bar.
165
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:52,648
It'll be...
(mutters)
166
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:55,353
Uh, we were talking.
We're thinking we might
167
00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:56,856
stop our road trip.
168
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,357
Uh-oh.
169
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,490
To stay and help
with the kids.
170
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,525
Yeah. We just want you
to have your dignity back.
171
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,431
But you guys sold your house.
172
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,103
You don't have
any place to live.
173
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,602
We've got the RV.
174
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:12,573
We can live right
in your driveway!
175
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,913
Our driveway!
176
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:18,678
Andi, they want
to live in our driveway.
177
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,809
I heard them.
178
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,454
Yeah, we just have
to work out a few kinks
179
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,979
with the septic runoff,
and we'll be good to go.
180
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,558
¶ ¶
181
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,539
Oh, Ma, this cannoli's great.
182
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,867
You keep feeding me like this,
I'm gonna get fat.
183
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:48,113
Oh, not you.
You're skin and bone.
184
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,938
Oh. You're a good mother.
185
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,784
Now, what's different?
186
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,980
I had to use different lard.
187
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,952
The company I liked
went out of business.
188
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:01,091
Thanks, Obama.
189
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,018
Dad, he's not even president
anymore.
190
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,693
He knows what he did.
191
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,626
So,
192
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:09,528
have you two thought
about our offer?
193
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,031
Uh...
194
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,632
Oh, you know what?
195
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,534
We don't want to take
advantage of you.
196
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:17,096
I mean, what about
the rest of your trip?
197
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,644
Seeing the country after
Joe retired was your dream.
198
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,010
Five months in that box
on wheels is plenty.
199
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:24,837
The shower is so small,
200
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,475
you can't even wash
both sides of you.
201
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,881
You got to pick one--
the front or the back.
202
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,653
It's a real Sophie's Choice.
203
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,586
Yeah, but you guys
got better things
204
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:35,748
to do than hang
around here.
205
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:36,916
You should be out
with your friends,
206
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,494
talking about the good old days
207
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,632
before the wheel was invented.
208
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,787
Hmm. Our friends
are either dead,
209
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,956
or living in one
of those old folks homes.
210
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,595
We visited a few
on our swing through Florida.
211
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,601
Yeah, it's where you go to die.
212
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:54,914
One place we went-- they sold
caskets right in the lobby.
213
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,638
Honey, I think
those were planters.
214
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,013
People planters!
215
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,980
I liked that place.
216
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,611
One night in the dining hall,
217
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:05,516
I watched this Cuban man
eat a baked potato.
218
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,889
It was just fascinating.
219
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,119
Ma, why do you have
to say the guy was Cuban?
220
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:14,485
He was Cuban.
It makes a good story.
221
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,155
I mean, if I just say
a man's eating a potato,
222
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,964
I got nothing, snoozefest.
223
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,026
So what do you say?
224
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,804
Are we living
in your driveway or not?
225
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:29,639
Uh...
226
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,549
Yes, great. Please stay.
227
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:35,948
Oh, great! Hooray.
228
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,849
Oh, it's gonna be wonderful!
Oh, yes.
229
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,951
Adam and I are gonna be talking
about how wonderful this is
230
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,524
long, long into the night.
231
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:47,791
"Yes, great.
Please stay."
232
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:50,164
What was I supposed to say,
honey? They're my parents.
233
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:53,773
And, you know, this could
actually be really great timing.
234
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:54,997
Don and I have
that mini mall job.
235
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,572
We're a lot busier.
I could use the help.
236
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,241
Honey, you know
I love your parents,
237
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,709
but they're just not the moral
compass I want for our kids.
238
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:05,939
I mean, those cannolis
were not Obama's fault.
239
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:09,646
Well, that stuff goes
right over the kids' heads.
240
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,650
Okay, can we at least
give it a trial run?
241
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,152
How bad could it be?
242
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,693
Well, I think the
Titanic was a trial run.
243
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:19,260
Come on. They know
how to raise kids.
244
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:22,329
They raised me,
and I'm fantastic.
245
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,659
Well, you're humble.
I'll give you that.
246
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,665
Look, I will talk to them,
247
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,727
and make sure
they do everything the way I do.
248
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,565
Oh, the way we do.
The way you do.
249
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:35,672
All right, fine. I'll
give you your trial run.
250
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,936
It's what Julia
Roberts would do.
251
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,981
JOE:
All right!
252
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,283
Bye, Grandma.
Oh, I love you so much.
253
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,694
(overlapping chatter)
All right, bye.
254
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,347
Bye-bye.
Okay, listen.
255
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,015
Meet the kids here
at 3:00 sharp,
256
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,893
and give 'em a snack, or
they turn into maniacs.
257
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:54,032
But not candy,
or they turn into maniacs.
258
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,357
And make 'em start on
their homework right away,
259
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,863
or they'll just run
around like maniacs.
260
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:00,865
Basically, they're maniacs.
261
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:03,167
And I can't believe
I have to say this,
262
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:06,370
but no weapons
and no explosives.
263
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:10,043
Relax. We raised you,
and you turned out fantastic.
264
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,143
That's what I said!
265
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:14,345
All right, keep it
moving, Burns. Let's go.
266
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:16,008
Oh. Who are these
youngsters?
267
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,716
ADAM: Oh, uh, my parents,
Bev and Joe.
268
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:21,088
Mom, Dad, this is, uh,
Emme's teacher, Mrs. Rodriguez.
269
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,148
Ooh, Rodriguez!
270
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,056
Mom.
271
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,757
Are you from Mexico?
272
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,689
Actually, I'm from
Philadelphia.
273
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:30,804
Oh, fascinating.
Now, do you eat baked potatoes?
274
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,227
Okay, okay! Okay, Emme,
why don't you show Grandma
275
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,002
and Grandpa
your classroom, hmm?
276
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:37,001
Aw, yeah. He's gonna
apologize for us now.
277
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,774
He's gotten real uptight.
278
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,042
Must be all that
cooking and cleaning.
279
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,071
A lot of housewives
get like that.
280
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:46,284
Sorry.
281
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,809
For what? I'm Latina,
and they were being nice.
282
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,975
You've never once asked me
where I'm from.
283
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:54,354
Yes, but, to be fair,
I don't care.
284
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,924
Mm-hmm. It's all coming
out now, isn't it, Burns?
That's right.
285
00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:58,173
Three more months of school
286
00:10:58,174 --> 00:10:59,424
and we never have
to see each other again.
287
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,826
More importantly,
I never have to see you again.
288
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,828
Believe it or not,
I'm gonna miss you.
289
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:07,100
I don't get a lot of wins.
But with you, I always win.
290
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,300
(both chuckle)
291
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,671
What a fun classroom.
292
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,301
Like a fiesta, right?
(chuckles)
293
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:14,035
That's mostly
your son's doing.
294
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,271
He's room mom this year.
295
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,806
Oh, for the love of God.
296
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:21,152
(laughs, mutters)
297
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,678
All right, let's go.
298
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:23,923
Adios!
299
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,447
Ma!
300
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,051
Hey.
301
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,386
Hey, cuties, we're home.
302
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,120
(dramatic music playing on TV)
303
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,233
What are you watching?
304
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,157
Extreme Autopsy.
305
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,700
They chop up dead bodies.
306
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,199
Grandpa Joe found it.
307
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,370
Here we go, he's
getting the bone saw.
308
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,300
He won't need it. That body
was in the lake for weeks.
309
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,105
No, no, no, no, no, no!
310
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:50,078
EMME/KATE/TEDDY:
Aw.
311
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,907
(scoffs)
Is your homework done?
312
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,952
Grandma said we were
too cute to do homework.
313
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,018
And is that candy?
314
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,847
We're having candy dinner.
315
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:03,492
Why don't you ever
give us candy dinner?
316
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,160
No. You know, as bad
as I thought this would be,
317
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,059
it's so much worse.
And I was like,
318
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,331
"What if they do this or
that or the other thing?"
319
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,799
And then they did
all the things.
320
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,057
They did all the things, Adam.
321
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,965
Okay, okay, okay.
I will handle this.
322
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,837
Mom? Dad?
323
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,097
It's just me.
324
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:22,136
Bev is resting her eyes, and
Joe's down at Dunkin' Donuts,
325
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:25,112
because
it's his favorite bathroom.
326
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,152
What are you doing here?
327
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,177
I saw them at pick-up and they
328
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,451
couldn't remember
how to get back.
329
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:30,319
Then your mom
insisted
330
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:31,417
I eat some veal
331
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,848
to fatten me up.
332
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,123
She said
333
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:37,191
I couldn't leave
until it's all gone.
334
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,290
I'm the veal now.
335
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,262
Italian mothers
like to feed people.
336
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,062
They also like to kiss
on the mouth, Adam.
337
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:48,429
Well, kiss her
back next time,
338
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,995
see what happens.
I don't know.
339
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,504
Adam, this is not funny.
340
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:55,036
Look-look, don't worry,
these are just, you know,
341
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:56,311
day one growing pains.
342
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,979
There's no more juice boxes.
343
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,554
Thanks, Obama.
344
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,390
One day, one day your
parents watched our kids,
345
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,455
and they turned our little
girl into Bill O'Reilly.
346
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,296
What am I supposed
to do, Andi,
347
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,971
go out to the RV,
knock on the door,
348
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,399
and tell my own parents
to leave?
349
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,814
That's a great idea. Do that.
350
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,037
Oh, okay. If you feel
so strongly about it,
351
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:30,342
why don't you go out there
and do it.
352
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,383
Well, I can't do it.
They like me.
353
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:36,349
I mean, you know, they love
you, but they really like me.
354
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,379
Look, I agree.
We got to get 'em out of here,
355
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:41,315
but I don't want
to hurt their feelings.
356
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,861
I know. I just...
(sighs)
357
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,958
I wish there was someplace else
they could go.
358
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,161
Hey, you know where
they've never stayed?
359
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,163
Huh?
Tom Selleck's house.
360
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,295
Nice.
361
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,430
That's right. It's not a family
until everybody suffers.
362
00:13:58,071 --> 00:13:59,901
So I'm thinking we put
'em in your driveway.
363
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:01,236
Oh, no way.
364
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,411
Why would I want them here?
365
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,975
Uh, well, because
your invitation to Joe and Bev
366
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,452
will heal the awful breach
367
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,480
that you've been struggling
with for years.
368
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,415
Boom.
369
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,291
I don't want to
heal the breach.
370
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:19,889
I have enjoyed
19 mother-in-law-free years.
371
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,433
It's like heaven, but you
don't have to be a good person.
372
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:24,559
ANDI: Okay,
but I-I need them
373
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,104
out of our driveway,
all right?
374
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,229
There's a septic hose
in my rosebushes.
375
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,235
Okay, how about this,
golden boy, huh?
376
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,397
I'll tell Mom and Dad that
you want them to stay here.
377
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,235
Then when they come over
here, you can tell 'em no
378
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,411
to their innocent,
loving faces. Hmm?
379
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,009
They got us, baby.
380
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,011
No, no.
381
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,953
Relax, Big Daddy.
382
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,148
You know what?
383
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,779
Go ahead
and bring them over here.
384
00:14:44,783 --> 00:14:46,423
And I'll just tell them
that you came to us first,
385
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,249
'cause you don't want them
staying at your place.
386
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,655
Fine by me. Let's burn
this whole thing down!
387
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,587
Okay, okay, okay.
Everybody just take...
388
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,292
just take it easy, all right?
389
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,964
I mean, there has
to be a solution.
390
00:14:56,963 --> 00:15:01,133
So, short of faking
our own deaths, what do we do?
391
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,434
Well, my parents live
in a retirement village,
392
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,566
and they love it.
393
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,271
Oh, Dad hates those places.
Well, yeah,
394
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,474
but what if we don't tell him
it's one of those places?
395
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,106
Yeah, we can just bring 'em
there and-and tell 'em
396
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,582
it's a regular apartment
that you guys are looking at
397
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,410
because you're thinking
of downsizing.
398
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,645
ADAM: Yeah. Yeah,
and then by the time
399
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:18,280
Dad figures out where he is,
400
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,945
he'll love it.
You know,
401
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,123
that could really work.
Those places are fancy now.
402
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,592
And Dad won't be hard to
trick. He still thinks
403
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,990
you voted for Obama
"by accident."
404
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,132
ANDI:
Wow, this is
405
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,560
a nice apartment.
Yeah.
406
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,374
And no sharp corners.
407
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,497
What a warm welcome
from that lady at the gate.
408
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:37,503
Yeah.
409
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,204
I think she was Vietnamese.
410
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:41,565
I'd love to watch her eat
a baked potato.
411
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,574
So, Andi, how about
this place, huh?
412
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,606
Psh. Gosh, Don,
413
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,952
you and Marcy
may call this downsizing,
414
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:50,548
but I-I call it upgradezing.
415
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,720
And no guest room.
You'll like that.
416
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,319
JOE:
I don't know.
417
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,151
There's something
about this place.
418
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:59,056
Why are there ramps everywhere
instead of stairs?
419
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:03,589
Oh, uh, that's because ramps
are the stairs of the future.
420
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,996
Yeah, yeah. That's right.
I mean, in a few years,
421
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,529
you're only gonna see stairs
in a museum.
422
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:10,404
A-And not to walk on,
just to look at.
423
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,543
Eventually,
people will be born
424
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,539
without the ability
to climb steps.
425
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:16,541
Nature has no stairs.
426
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:20,383
Mountains are
nature's ramps to the sky.
427
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,610
Or steps, if you will.
428
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,516
That doesn't make any sense.
429
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,519
So, I read in the
lobby that they have
430
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,691
bingo, musicals, comedy nights.
431
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,690
Oh, and there's a restaurant
that serves dinner
432
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,562
from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.
433
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,561
I know that's when
I like to eat.
434
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,163
BEV:
That sounds fun.
435
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:41,174
Call me crazy but, Joe,
436
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,337
I-I'm thinking this place
could be good for us.
437
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,337
For you? Wow, Ma.
438
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,509
That never occurred to us.
439
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,668
JOE:
Yeah, yeah, it's not bad.
440
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,736
Oh, here's a brochure.
441
00:16:51,745 --> 00:16:53,605
Oh, no, no, no! Don't read that!
That's full of lies.
442
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,553
It's made in China.
443
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,578
"Here at the Oaks we welcome
all levels of clients.
444
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:00,124
"A Level-- full independence.
445
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,090
"B Level--
targeted support.
446
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:04,188
C Level-- live-in staff."
447
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,090
And then
448
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:06,421
D Level.
449
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,626
What's D Level?
450
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:11,557
It's just a picture
of a tree in a field.
451
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,734
This is an old folks' home!
452
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:17,673
ANDI/DON/ADAM/MARCY:
What?!
453
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,710
Why would Don and Marcy want
to live in an old folks' home?
454
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,537
Well, it's not for them--
it's for us.
455
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,612
They used it as a trick
to get us out here.
456
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,611
They want us out
of the house,
457
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:29,653
but they're just
too chicken to tell us.
458
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,519
Well, that was not very
nice at all, Marcy.
459
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:37,157
Uh, which chair would you
like me to die in, huh?
460
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,187
This one or that one
or this one, right?
461
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,462
That's the great thing
about this place--
462
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,631
there are so many options.
463
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:50,327
If you wanted us to go, you
should've just told us to go!
464
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:51,666
I didn't want
to upset you. You know,
465
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,341
more than you are usually.
466
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:57,140
Look, it's hard
to tell you stuff, all right?
467
00:17:57,143 --> 00:17:58,713
I told you Andi went back
to work,
468
00:17:58,711 --> 00:17:59,681
and you gave me a hard time.
469
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,649
Marcy was honest
470
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:04,518
and said she didn't want you
to stay with her 19 years ago,
471
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,847
and you're still mad at her.
472
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,752
That's not true.
Well, it is true,
473
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,424
but I don't like
the way you said it.
474
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,862
Okay, look, it's just...
475
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,688
you know, living
in our driveway,
476
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:16,393
showing our kids autopsies,
477
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,726
stealing turtles
478
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,730
from the side of the road.
479
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:22,132
It's-it's a lot to take.
480
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,665
I'm fine with it.
It's just Adam.
481
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,878
You got something to say,
say it.
482
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,577
Yeah, Adam. Say it.
483
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:34,109
(chuckling):
Oh...
484
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,754
Fine. Okay.
485
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,448
Here it is.
486
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:41,751
I love you, but you got to
find your own place to live.
487
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:42,894
Okay.
488
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,659
Wha--? That's it? Okay?
489
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,688
We haven't really enjoyed
our time here anyway.
490
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,655
What?
491
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,203
You make too many rules.
492
00:18:52,198 --> 00:18:53,828
We can't tell
stories like we like
493
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,803
or watch the TV
shows we like.
494
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,272
Or pick up a turtle
495
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,470
that technically belongs
to any American.
496
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,542
My taxes
497
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:03,610
have bought me at least one
stinkin' street turtle.
498
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:04,740
So we'll go.
499
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,554
And-and you're not mad?
500
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:08,627
Are you mad?
501
00:19:08,631 --> 00:19:09,711
Not if you're not mad.
502
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,376
Just the usual mad.
503
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:15,224
Nobody could stay mad
at our sweet boy.
504
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:17,691
He's so handsome, just like...
505
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,560
Oh. Who-who is it, Joe?
506
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:20,789
Larry King?
No.
507
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,863
No. The actor.
508
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,362
Don Rickles?
509
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,804
No, the actor.
With the hair?
510
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:27,669
Oh, they all have hair.
511
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,197
Not Telly Savalas.
512
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,672
Oh, he was good.
513
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,670
Yul Brynner was a
good bald guy, too.
514
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:36,212
Oh. If only the two of them
had been in a movie together.
515
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,609
JOE: You can't do
that. From behind,
516
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,940
you can't tell
who's talking.
517
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,782
Promise me
I will never get like that.
518
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,785
Oh, you're gonna be
exactly like that.
(groans)
519
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,587
But I will love it.
520
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,920
You know who won't love it?
Our kids.
521
00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:54,756
(chuckles) Yeah.
We're gonna get their kids
522
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,231
all kinds of crazy gifts.
523
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,460
Tasers, an iguana,
524
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,395
a wood chipper.
525
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,971
Hey, that reminds me,
526
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,840
what did you do
with that turtle?
527
00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:07,838
Oh, I dropped him off at the zoo
with a Post-it on its back
528
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,610
that said, "Thanks, Obama."
529
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:10,939
(chuckles)
530
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:19,815
Hey, Ma. What's going on?
You're packing up?
531
00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:20,889
We found an apartment.
532
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,687
Your dad's inside
533
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,488
right now signing the lease
with the landlady.
534
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:27,790
That's great! Uh,
I think those are our towels.
535
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,994
You kick us out, I take towels.
536
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,531
That's worth it.
537
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,300
Hello, Burns.
538
00:20:40,306 --> 00:20:42,606
What?
539
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:45,239
See? Look at his face. I told
you it'd be funny. (chuckles)
540
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:47,912
You're moving in with her?
541
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,954
She's renting us the
other half of her duplex.
542
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:50,949
(door opens)
543
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,380
Ma, why didn't you tell me
544
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:54,816
she was your new landlady?
545
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,961
You never like me to
describe anyone in my stories.
546
00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:00,417
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