Okay, so get this. The kids brushed their teeth
and went straight to bed.
I think somebody replaced 'em with Pod People.
I mean, I'm gonna miss 'em,
but I am not complaining. (chuckles)
You're welcome.
Oh, you're taking credit for this?
Yes, I am.
Because after school today,
your kids were out of control.
Our living room was like the first 15 minutes
of Saving Private Ryan.
Okay, so they're my kids when they do something wrong?
Yeah, or when they're in a school play.
Yeah, three hours
of watching Emme be a tree in The Wizard of Oz.
The witch said, "I'm melting."
I was like, "Take me with you."
That's like Club Med compared to what I dealt with today.
While I was on the phone with a client,
the kids decided to have a Nerf dart shootout.
Katie nails me in the face, right?
And I open my mouth in surprise, as you do.
Right? Teddy rolls by on his skateboard
and shoots one down my throat.
I coughed up the foam part,
but the rubber tip is still inside me somewhere.
Oh, honey.
Yeah, well, it won't happen again
because I handled it.
The way you kids behaved today
was completely unacceptable, okay?
So from now on, there will be no
skateboards, no Nerf wars,
no monkey business in the house.
What's a monkey's business?
It's an old person word for fun.
He's trying to ban fun.
That's exactly right, Katie.
I'm banning fun.
So until further notice, all of these...
will go in the off-limits cubby.
ALL: No!
All right, get in there.
I really wish that had a door on it.
God, I wonder why they were so wound up?
Oh, you know what? It rained today
so they didn't have recess.
That always makes 'em a little crazy.
They seemed fine after school at the ice cream place.
You took 'em for ice cream?
Yeah, well, you know I like ice cream.
And if I want to eat it, I got buy them some.
What difference does it make?
I'm just trying to figure out why they were so nuts.
Well, it doesn't matter why. I handled it. Okay,
but you didn't take everything into consideration.
Look,
different situations
require different reactions.
Like if it were me,
I would have taken 'em to the park,
let 'em run it out.
You know, like dogs.
Nah.
Yelling and taking stuff away,
that's my move.
Okay, but...
now that you're home with the kids more,
you might want to expand your playbook.
I don't think so.
I have one move.
My dad had one move.
My dad's dad had one move.
And that one move
won two world wars.
Trust me, we didn't take the Germans
to the park and let 'em run it out.
I'm telling you, if you put two round hot tubs
at the end of a long pool,
from the second story balcony,
you're gonna get a very...
masculine view.
If you know what I'm sayin'.
(chuckling): Yeah. Yeah, okay.
I will take care of it.
All right, bye.
(chuckling): Gee.
Hey. Hey, how was your day?
How were the kids?
They were fantastic.
Listen to the sound...
(whispers): of silence.
Huh?
My one move-- the perfect move--
is still working.
In fact, it's so good, I named it:
The Velvet Hammer.
Um,
isn't that the name of the gay bar
by the ice cream shop?
It doesn't matter where the name came from.
That's what I'm calling it.
Mm-kay, well,
good for you, honey. Mm-kay.
(clunking)
What was that?
I don't know, but it better not be fun.
Something happened in here.
It's quiet.
A little too quiet.
And empty.
A little too empty.
And that rug
is on the wall.
A little too on the wall.
Are you done, Columbo?
It's so fun, though.
(both gasping)
Oh, my God, your kids put a hole in the wall.
Okay, I need to know
who made the hole,
how they made the hole,
and why they tried to hide the hole.
What hole?
The hole in the wall.
You mean, like, the window?
N-No, no.
I mean like that.
Whoa, where did that come from?
You know, I-I think that's always been there.
Maybe we have a mouse.
Um...
can I see you in the kitchen?
No! I'm getting to the bottom of this.
Are you?
Okay, you three stay put.
Will you get me a Go-Gurt from the fridge?
What fridge?
See?
Two can play at that game.
What game?
What is going on in there?
Have they ever stonewalled you like that before?
Well, yeah, a few times,
but I always had a move.
What was it?
"Wait until your father gets home."
I'm already home.
Yes, that's why we're in the kitchen.
I can't believe they formed an alliance.
Well... it's actually kind of sweet.
I mean, I am always telling them to stick together.
Who knew it would backfire?
Parenting's hard.
Okay, okay, okay. Hold on.
If they're sticking together, we got to split 'em up, right?
Yes.
And make them understand it's in their best interest
to be on our team.
So what are we gonna use, threats or bribes?
Uh, well, threats are free. Let's start with those.
Good.
Oh, look,
Katie's trophy from when her volleyball team
won regional's. Hmm.
Our girl really does love her volleyball,
doesn't she? Mmm.
What are you guys doing?
You, uh,
you have a volleyball camp coming up, don't you?
Yeah.
Boy, I'd hate for you to get grounded
and miss it, just because of some stupid hole in the wall.
I don't want to miss my camp.
Here we go.
I mean,
if I don't go to camp,
I'd feel bad for you guys.
Um, what's that?
That's the weekend Teddy and Emme are supposed to
stay at Grandma and Grandpa's.
You guys are gonna have
the whole house to yourself.
Oh, well.
Can I see you in the hall?
Mm-hmm.
We are getting our weekend alone.
I don't care if they burn the house down.
And we never should have started with Katie,
that was a rookie mistake.
You're right.
She's too smart.
We need to go to the dumb one.
Hey, hey. I don't think any of our kids are dumb.
But I will follow you to Teddy's room.
Boy, is this room crowded.
You know,
if you had Katie's room,
you'd have space to set up all your toys.
But, you said Kate gets the bigger room
because she's older.
Ah, she's had her time.
Tell us who made the hole,
the room is yours.
Kate said I shouldn't answer any questions
without representation.
He's trying to lawyer up.
Wait, where did you learn the word "representation"?
Kate wrote it on my hand.
Are you gonna talk or not?
No.
Can I see you in the hallway? Mm-hmm.
That boy has learned more in an hour with Katie,
than he has in five years of school.
What now?
We've only got one kid left.
I don't even know why we stopped in the hall this time.
Yeah.
Let's talk a little bit about Santa Claus. Hmm?
He knows when you've been naughty
and he knows when you've been nice.
So, is there something
you want to tell us right now?
I mean... (inhales sharply)
could really help you out with the big guy.
I'm comfortable with my relationship with Santa.
Hall. Hall.
Hey, do you guys want to watch a movie in my room?
Yeah, can I pick the movie?
Of course.
I just want to hang out with you guys.
Unbelievable.
Did you see how happy they are?
Of course they're happy,
they just kicked our ass.
That was like a victory dinner for them.
Okay, okay, we got to regroup.
We tried bribery, we tried threats.
What's our next move?
I don't know, maybe we should just patch the hole,
ground 'em all and move on.
I mean, eventually, the truth'll just slip out.
Like that Nerf dart you ate.
We cannot live in a world where holes are made
and not explained.
We'll lose all credibility.
I know, I'm sorry,
it's just I'm so tired.
Okay, all right.
We got to think.
Okay, um...
All right.
What would happen if we pulled
something like this when we were kids?
Oh.
It worked on me.
Did it?
No.
Yeah, and we're nothing to be scared of.
We're like mall cops.
Remember how we used to laugh
when your brother Don's kid would act up?
(scoffs) That kid was always in trouble.
Now? Delivering Porta-Potties.
Hey, wait a minute.
Maybe we can use that.
You know,
give our kids a little glimpse into their future.
Scare 'em straight.
Ooh, I like it.
Yeah.
I mean, in the last day, our kids have engaged in
vandalism, conspiracy and racketeering.
I don't really know what that is,
but they make a hell of a racket.
Okay, you guys know Uncle Don.
What you don't know is that he is also a father.
Yeah, we do, to cousin Mikey.
Okay, I'm trying to set a mood here.
After you hear what he has to say about his kid,
you'll be begging to tell us who made the hole.
Don,
go ahead, scare 'em straight.
Will do.
Mikey was just like you.
Always making holes
in walls and lying about it.
Seemed like no big deal.
But where is he now?
Prison?
No. A studio apartment in Poughkeepsie.
Oh. Ooh. That's pretty cool.
No, no, no. No, that's bad.
A studio apartment is just one room.
The kitchen is in the bedroom.
Oh, it's like... Oh, it's one of those things...
(excited chatter)
Yeah, yeah, you know, it is actually a sweet little place
right next to the ballpark.
Mikey's a mascot
for the minor league baseball team.
Oh, no way. That's so cool.
You said he was delivering Porta-Potties.
DON: No, no, no.
This is a new thing.
He really got his act together.
I guess it just goes to show
that it doesn't matter what you do as a kid.
Sometimes your dreams come true.
TEDDY: Bye, Daddy. KATE: Bye, Daddy.
"Bye, Daddy."
As if nothing happened.
Kindergarteners can head out to the playground.
Okay, uh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Okay, it's just you and me, Butterbean.
Nobody's listening.
Why don't you tell Daddy who made the hole.
What hole?
Get out of here.
Bye, Daddy. Yeah, bye.
(sighs)
Oh. Hey, I'm glad you guys are here.
I need to talk to you.
Things no better at home?
The kids are lying. We know they're lying.
They know we know they're lying.
It's tough to control kids these days.
Victor's in fourth grade,
and I'm pretty sure he took my car out last night.
You know, a couple years ago, my wife and I decided
we were gonna stop telling the girls "no,"
because it's very negative.
But then one of them bought a boat on eBay.
Now we say it all the time.
Mr. Burns, come with me,
and put on your listening ears.
Okay, you don't have to talk to me
like I'm a kindergartener. Now.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm about to tell you something I've never told anyone,
Please don't.
The issue you're up against
with kids in today's world
is that it's not a fair fight.
Yeah. That's what I was telling Andi last night.
We can't use any of the tools our parents
or teachers used on us.
So the answer I came up with is this.
See this marble jar?
Every day the kids behave,
I add a marble.
When the jar is full, they get a party.
But what they don't know is
sometimes I do this.
That makes me feel so damn good.
I think maybe the kids stole
some of your marbles.
My point is, Mr. Burns, is don't be afraid to fight dirty.
I see what you're getting at.
Yeah. Don't touch my marbles!
I wo-- I won't. I won't, no.
So we're really gonna do this?
Hey, Mrs. Rodriguez said to fight dirty.
Well, this is definitely dirty
because I feel both excited and ashamed.
It's kind of like that time
we did it on my parents' bed.
Uh, different boyfriend.
Whoops.
Okay, we'll circle back to that later.
You ready to do this?
No guts, no glory.
Okay.
Ladies and gentleman,
this is your Halloween candy.
Kate, what's happening?
I think he's gonna take it away.
Oh, no, no, no. Much worse.
I'm gonna take it away from two of you.
Mom, you're letting him do this?
Oh, absolutely.
Whoever tells us about the hole
gets it all.
Every
single
piece. ADAM: Mm-hmm.
Okay, so you three have a decision to make.
We'll give you a couple minutes to decide.
We got to be strong. They're bluffing.
I'm taking the deal.
Teddy, man up!
That was incredible.
Can you see 'em? How do they look?
Oh, they're rattled.
I like our chances.
Okay, now we come to the big question.
Who wants the candy?
Here we go.
No deal.
What?! Okay, okay,
no one's leaving unless someone confesses.
I don't even care if they're lying now.
What are we doing?
I mean, we are tearing this family apart.
And why? Just because of-of some tiny hole in the wall?
(voice breaking): I mean,
I just... I can't do this anymore.
All we ever do is fight.
And it's all my fault.
(sobbing)
Okay, honey, what's happening?
(crying)
(sniffles)
Mom, don't cry.
It's my fault.
I made the hole.
(sniffles)
It's my fault, too. Wh--?
I took the skateboard out of the cubby and dared him to ride it.
(sniffling)
Come on, Mom, please stop crying.
And that's how you do that.
What?
Wow.
Wait, you were faking? No fair!
You left me no choice.
They're all yours.
Y-Yeah, yeah. Uh, Katie, Teddy,
you are grounded, uh, for two weeks.
No phones, no computers.
(groans)
Emme, you're cute.
Grab a lollipop and go play.
Well, that was a fun game.
(chuckling): Yeah.
Where did that come from?
Eh, well, when all else fails, Mama cries.
Well, you scared me. I almost said I made the hole.
Well, when I saw the candy thing going south,
I knew I had to pull out the big guns.
Yeah, but now you told 'em. So we can never use it again.
No, no, no, not true. It always works.
Because what if I'm really crying?
Yeah...
Those dopes'll fall for it every time.
Wait, have you ever used that on me?
(scoffs) No.
Hold on, hold on.
That time you cried to get me to go see the Dixie Chicks,
fake or real?
Super fake.
Uh, hot air balloon ride to see the fall foliage?
Fake-a-rooney.
(gasps)
Four days at the bed-and-breakfast
with no TV when the Penguins were in the play-offs?
Oh, no, no, no, babe, that was real.
Good.
(chuckling): Okay.
(chuckles)
Hey. Hey, hon. Oh, remember,
you need to get your suit dry-cleaned
for my high school reunion this weekend.
Oh.
That's this weekend?
(sucks air through teeth)
Ooh, I don't think I can make it. I...
Honey, you said you'd go with me.
Yeah, but that was before you told me about you and that guy
in your parents' bed.
(voice breaking): I mean,
if I have to walk in there...
(sniffles)
...and meet that guy...
He could fall in love with you all over again.
(sniffles sharply)
(sniffles)
(sniffles loudly)
You... bringing up that guy really hurts my feelings, Adam.
I mean...
(voice breaking): that was a long time ago, you know?
I mean, way before I met you.
I mean, it's not like you didn't have other girlfriends, too,
you know? Oh, oh, oh,
oh, I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean... Oh-oh, of course I'll go.
Told you it'd work again.
Aw!
(chuckles)
Captioning sponsored by CBS