1
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,567
Okay, so get this.
The kids brushed their teeth
2
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,012
and went straight to bed.
3
00:00:06,007 --> 00:00:08,137
I think somebody replaced 'em
with Pod People.
4
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,076
I mean, I'm gonna miss 'em,
5
00:00:11,078 --> 00:00:12,538
but I am not
complaining.
(chuckles)
6
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:16,054
You're welcome.
7
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:18,220
Oh, you're taking credit
for this?
8
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:19,369
Yes, I am.
9
00:00:19,369 --> 00:00:20,519
Because after school today,
10
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,021
your kids were out of control.
11
00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:23,593
Our living room was like
the first 15 minutes
12
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:25,591
of Saving Private Ryan.
13
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,357
Okay, so they're my kids
when they do something wrong?
14
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:32,303
Yeah, or when they're
in a school play.
15
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,669
Yeah, three hours
16
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,067
of watching Emme be a tree
in The Wizard of Oz.
17
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,270
The witch said, "I'm melting."
18
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,671
I was like, "Take me with you."
19
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:44,535
That's like Club Med compared
to what I dealt with today.
20
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,495
While I was on the phone
with a client,
21
00:00:46,496 --> 00:00:48,446
the kids decided to
have a Nerf dart shootout.
22
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:51,379
Katie nails me
in the face, right?
23
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,745
And I open my mouth
in surprise, as you do.
24
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,394
Right? Teddy rolls by
on his skateboard
25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,160
and shoots one
down my throat.
26
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,494
I coughed up the foam part,
27
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:04,425
but the rubber tip is still
inside me somewhere.
28
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:05,702
Oh, honey.
29
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,199
Yeah, well,
it won't happen again
30
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,501
because I handled it.
31
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:10,402
The way you kids
behaved today
32
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,544
was completely unacceptable,
okay?
33
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,540
So from now on,
there will be no
34
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,242
skateboards, no Nerf wars,
35
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:20,314
no monkey business
in the house.
36
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,114
What's a monkey's business?
37
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,077
It's an old person
word for fun.
38
00:01:25,086 --> 00:01:26,586
He's trying to ban fun.
39
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,317
That's exactly right, Katie.
40
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:30,693
I'm banning fun.
41
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:35,486
So until further notice,
all of these...
42
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,426
will go in the off-limits cubby.
43
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,161
ALL:
No!
44
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:40,726
All right, get in there.
45
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,806
I really wish that
had a door on it.
46
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,308
God, I wonder why they were
so wound up?
47
00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:52,742
Oh, you know what?
It rained today
48
00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,346
so they didn't have recess.
49
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:55,678
That always makes 'em
a little crazy.
50
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,583
They seemed fine after school
at the ice cream place.
51
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:02,621
You took 'em for ice cream?
52
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,493
Yeah, well, you know
I like ice cream.
53
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,692
And if I want to eat it,
I got buy them some.
54
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,795
What difference does it make?
55
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,127
I'm just trying to figure
out why they were so nuts.
56
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,473
Well, it doesn't matter why.
I handled it.
Okay,
57
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,598
but you didn't take everything
into consideration.
58
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:17,774
Look,
59
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:18,841
different situations
60
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,369
require different reactions.
61
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,574
Like if it were me,
62
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:22,835
I would have taken 'em
to the park,
63
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,213
let 'em run it out.
64
00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:26,581
You know, like dogs.
65
00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:31,781
Nah.
66
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,515
Yelling and
taking stuff away,
67
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,821
that's my move.
68
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,493
Okay, but...
69
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,861
now that you're home
with the kids more,
70
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,459
you might want to
expand your playbook.
71
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:42,592
I don't think so.
72
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:43,756
I have one move.
73
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,634
My dad had one move.
74
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,773
My dad's dad had one move.
75
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,538
And that one move
76
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,837
won two world wars.
77
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,239
Trust me, we didn't
take the Germans
78
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:54,671
to the park
and let 'em run it out.
79
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,907
I'm telling you,
if you put two round hot tubs
80
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:03,616
at the end of a long pool,
81
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:04,877
from the second story balcony,
82
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,445
you're gonna get a very...
83
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:09,623
masculine view.
84
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,763
If you know what I'm sayin'.
85
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:13,388
(chuckling):
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
86
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,664
I will take care of it.
87
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:15,732
All right, bye.
88
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,659
(chuckling):
Gee.
89
00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:18,895
Hey.
Hey, how was your day?
90
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:19,869
How were the kids?
91
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:20,967
They were fantastic.
92
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,968
Listen to the sound...
93
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,500
(whispers):
of silence.
94
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,769
Huh?
95
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,644
My one move--
the perfect move--
96
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:29,742
is still working.
97
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,643
In fact, it's so
good, I named it:
98
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,705
The Velvet Hammer.
99
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,318
Um,
100
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,877
isn't that the name
of the gay bar
101
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,885
by the ice cream shop?
102
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,658
It doesn't matter
where the name came from.
103
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,561
That's what I'm calling it.
104
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:48,628
Mm-kay, well,
105
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:49,999
good for you, honey.
Mm-kay.
106
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:50,997
(clunking)
107
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,498
What was that?
108
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:53,729
I don't know,
but it better not be fun.
109
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,780
Something happened in here.
110
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,854
It's quiet.
111
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,550
A little too quiet.
112
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:15,553
And empty.
113
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:16,956
A little too empty.
114
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,760
And that rug
115
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,861
is on the wall.
116
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,832
A little too
on the wall.
117
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,733
Are you done, Columbo?
118
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:30,835
It's so fun, though.
119
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,751
(both gasping)
120
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,777
Oh, my God, your kids
put a hole in the wall.
121
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,662
Okay, I need to know
122
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:56,763
who made the hole,
123
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:57,904
how they made the hole,
124
00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,028
and why they tried to
hide the hole.
125
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,336
What hole?
126
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,909
The hole in the wall.
127
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,738
You mean, like, the window?
128
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,584
N-No, no.
129
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,749
I mean like that.
130
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,978
Whoa, where did that come from?
131
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,756
You know, I-I think
that's always been there.
132
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,989
Maybe we have a mouse.
133
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,460
Um...
134
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,625
can I see you in the kitchen?
135
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,773
No! I'm getting
to the bottom of this.
136
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,028
Are you?
137
00:05:38,072 --> 00:05:40,012
Okay, you three stay put.
138
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,812
Will you get me a Go-Gurt
from the fridge?
139
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,920
What fridge?
140
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,619
See?
141
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,850
Two can play at that game.
142
00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:58,023
What game?
143
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,454
What is going on in there?
144
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,372
Have they ever stonewalled you
like that before?
145
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:12,602
Well, yeah, a few times,
146
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,706
but I always had a move.
147
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:14,817
What was it?
148
00:06:14,824 --> 00:06:15,944
"Wait until your father
gets home."
149
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,743
I'm already home.
150
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,945
Yes, that's why
we're in the kitchen.
151
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,745
I can't believe
they formed an alliance.
152
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,792
Well... it's actually
kind of sweet.
153
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,017
I mean, I am always telling them
to stick together.
154
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,022
Who knew it would backfire?
155
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,959
Parenting's hard.
156
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,031
Okay, okay, okay. Hold on.
157
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,099
If they're sticking together,
we got to split 'em up, right?
158
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,768
Yes.
159
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,697
And make them understand
it's in their best interest
160
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,402
to be on our team.
161
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,744
So what are we gonna use,
threats or bribes?
162
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,570
Uh, well, threats are free.
Let's start with those.
163
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,806
Good.
164
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:52,741
Oh, look,
165
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,706
Katie's trophy from
when her volleyball team
166
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,775
won regional's.
Hmm.
167
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,724
Our girl really does
love her volleyball,
168
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:00,089
doesn't she?
Mmm.
169
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,547
What are you guys doing?
170
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,119
You, uh,
171
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,834
you have a volleyball camp
coming up, don't you?
172
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,337
Yeah.
173
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,864
Boy, I'd hate for you
to get grounded
174
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:13,873
and miss it, just because of
some stupid hole in the wall.
175
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,997
I don't want to miss my camp.
176
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:18,073
Here we go.
177
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,069
I mean,
178
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,713
if I don't go to camp,
179
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,839
I'd feel bad for you guys.
180
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,521
Um, what's that?
181
00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,447
That's the weekend Teddy
and Emme are supposed to
182
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:33,723
stay at Grandma and Grandpa's.
183
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:34,850
You guys are gonna have
184
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,085
the whole house to yourself.
185
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,221
Oh, well.
186
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,804
Can I see you in the hall?
187
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:46,999
Mm-hmm.
188
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,570
We are getting
our weekend alone.
189
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,169
I don't care if they
burn the house down.
190
00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:52,895
And we never should have
started with Katie,
191
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,536
that was a rookie mistake.
192
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:55,541
You're right.
193
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:56,742
She's too smart.
194
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,783
We need to go to the dumb one.
195
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:01,679
Hey, hey. I don't think any
of our kids are dumb.
196
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,846
But I will follow you
to Teddy's room.
197
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,793
Boy, is this room crowded.
198
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,260
You know,
199
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,788
if you had Katie's room,
200
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:16,503
you'd have space to
set up all your toys.
201
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,727
But, you said Kate
gets the bigger room
202
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:19,762
because she's older.
203
00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:22,066
Ah, she's had her time.
204
00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:25,100
Tell us who made the hole,
205
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,835
the room is yours.
206
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,170
Kate said I shouldn't
answer any questions
207
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,936
without representation.
208
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:35,745
He's trying to lawyer up.
209
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:39,119
Wait, where did you
learn the word "representation"?
210
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:41,719
Kate wrote it on my hand.
211
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,590
Are you gonna talk or not?
212
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,287
No.
213
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:52,700
Can I see you in the hallway?
Mm-hmm.
214
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,869
That boy has learned more
in an hour with Katie,
215
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,938
than he has in five years
of school.
216
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,141
What now?
217
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,839
We've only got one kid left.
218
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,011
I don't even know why we stopped
in the hall this time.
219
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,739
Yeah.
220
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:07,014
Let's talk a little bit
about Santa Claus. Hmm?
221
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,948
He knows when
you've been naughty
222
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,050
and he knows
when you've been nice.
223
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,751
So, is there something
224
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:13,753
you want to tell us
right now?
225
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,724
I mean...
(inhales sharply)
226
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,692
could really help you out
with the big guy.
227
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:23,727
I'm comfortable with
my relationship with Santa.
228
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,668
Hall.
Hall.
229
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,835
Hey, do you guys want to
watch a movie in my room?
230
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:40,846
Yeah, can I
pick the movie?
231
00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:42,897
Of course.
232
00:09:42,899 --> 00:09:44,949
I just want to hang
out with you guys.
233
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,085
Unbelievable.
234
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,289
Did you see how
happy they are?
235
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,063
Of course
they're happy,
236
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,631
they just kicked our ass.
237
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,857
That was like a victory dinner
for them.
238
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,200
Okay, okay, we
got to regroup.
239
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,171
We tried bribery,
we tried threats.
240
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,070
What's our next move?
241
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,912
I don't know, maybe we
should just patch the hole,
242
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,207
ground 'em all and move on.
243
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:11,738
I mean, eventually,
the truth'll just slip out.
244
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,275
Like that Nerf dart you ate.
245
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:19,216
We cannot live in a world
where holes are made
246
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,219
and not explained.
247
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,920
We'll lose all credibility.
248
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,793
I know, I'm sorry,
249
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,631
it's just I'm so tired.
250
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,357
Okay, all right.
251
00:10:28,362 --> 00:10:29,932
We got to think.
252
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,130
Okay, um...
253
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,161
All right.
254
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:33,625
What would happen if we pulled
255
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:35,374
something like this
when we were kids?
256
00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:38,199
Oh.
257
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:40,835
It worked on me.
258
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,871
Did it?
259
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,275
No.
260
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,284
Yeah, and we're nothing
to be scared of.
261
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,352
We're like mall cops.
262
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,253
Remember how we used to laugh
263
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,415
when your brother Don's kid
would act up?
264
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,264
(scoffs) That kid was
always in trouble.
265
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:02,159
Now? Delivering Porta-Potties.
266
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:05,002
Hey, wait a minute.
267
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,158
Maybe we can use that.
268
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,726
You know,
269
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,244
give our kids a little glimpse
into their future.
270
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,044
Scare 'em straight.
271
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,040
Ooh, I like it.
272
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,182
Yeah.
273
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,737
I mean, in the last day,
our kids have engaged in
274
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:23,446
vandalism, conspiracy
and racketeering.
275
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,351
I don't really know
what that is,
276
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,293
but they make
a hell of a racket.
277
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,394
Okay, you guys know Uncle Don.
278
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,363
What you don't know
is that he is also a father.
279
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,063
Yeah, we do, to cousin Mikey.
280
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,755
Okay, I'm trying
to set a mood here.
281
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:44,002
After you hear what he
has to say about his kid,
282
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:46,244
you'll be begging to tell
us who made the hole.
283
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,769
Don,
284
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,244
go ahead, scare
'em straight.
285
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,482
Will do.
286
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,783
Mikey was just like you.
287
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:56,922
Always making holes
288
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,017
in walls and lying about it.
289
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,049
Seemed like no big deal.
290
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:03,423
But where is he now?
291
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,023
Prison?
292
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:10,963
No. A studio apartment
in Poughkeepsie.
293
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:12,804
Oh.
Ooh.
That's pretty cool.
294
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,829
No, no, no. No, that's bad.
295
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,465
A studio apartment
is just one room.
296
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:17,900
The kitchen is in the bedroom.
297
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,404
Oh, it's like...
Oh, it's one of those things...
298
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,106
(excited chatter)
299
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,408
Yeah, yeah, you know, it is
actually a sweet little place
300
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:24,780
right next to the ballpark.
301
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,288
Mikey's a mascot
302
00:12:26,295 --> 00:12:27,805
for the minor league
baseball team.
303
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,154
Oh, no way.
That's so cool.
304
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,819
You said he was
delivering Porta-Potties.
305
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:32,818
DON:
No, no, no.
306
00:12:32,819 --> 00:12:34,049
This is a new thing.
307
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,294
He really got
his act together.
308
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,318
I guess it just
goes to show
309
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,494
that it doesn't matter
what you do as a kid.
310
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:42,763
Sometimes your
dreams come true.
311
00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:47,302
TEDDY: Bye, Daddy.
KATE: Bye, Daddy.
312
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,930
"Bye, Daddy."
313
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,195
As if nothing happened.
314
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,974
Kindergarteners can head
out to the playground.
315
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,844
Okay, uh, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
316
00:12:56,843 --> 00:12:59,443
Okay, it's just you and me,
Butterbean.
317
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,076
Nobody's listening.
318
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,011
Why don't you tell Daddy
who made the hole.
319
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,076
What hole?
320
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:10,955
Get out of here.
321
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,055
Bye, Daddy.
Yeah, bye.
322
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,260
(sighs)
323
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,062
Oh. Hey, I'm glad
you guys are here.
324
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:18,033
I need to talk to you.
325
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,301
Things no better at home?
326
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,299
The kids are lying.
We know they're lying.
327
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,941
They know we know they're lying.
328
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,797
It's tough to control kids
these days.
329
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,306
Victor's in fourth grade,
330
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,937
and I'm pretty sure
he took my car out last night.
331
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,914
You know, a couple years ago,
my wife and I decided
332
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,583
we were gonna stop
telling the girls "no,"
333
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,051
because it's very negative.
334
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,979
But then one of them
bought a boat on eBay.
335
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,153
Now we say it all the time.
336
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,960
Mr. Burns,
come with me,
337
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,488
and put on your
listening ears.
338
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:47,963
Okay, you don't have
to talk to me
339
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,391
like I'm a kindergartener.
Now.
340
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,196
Yes, ma'am.
341
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,496
I'm about to tell you something
I've never told anyone,
342
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,042
Please don't.
343
00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,595
The issue you're up against
344
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:00,966
with kids in today's world
345
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,274
is that it's not a fair fight.
346
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:06,005
Yeah. That's what I was
telling Andi last night.
347
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,152
We can't use any of
the tools our parents
348
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,847
or teachers used on us.
349
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:12,079
So the answer I came
up with is this.
350
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:13,845
See this marble jar?
351
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,354
Every day the kids behave,
352
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,085
I add a marble.
353
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,020
When the jar is full,
they get a party.
354
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,955
But what they don't know is
355
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,091
sometimes I do this.
356
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,303
That makes me feel
so damn good.
357
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:34,613
I think maybe the kids stole
358
00:14:34,608 --> 00:14:36,108
some of your marbles.
359
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:41,281
My point is, Mr. Burns, is
don't be afraid to fight dirty.
360
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,581
I see what you're getting at.
361
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,153
Yeah.
Don't touch my marbles!
362
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,992
I wo-- I won't.
I won't, no.
363
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,589
So we're really
gonna do this?
364
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,920
Hey, Mrs. Rodriguez said
to fight dirty.
365
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:54,226
Well, this is
definitely dirty
366
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,957
because I feel both
excited and ashamed.
367
00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,558
It's kind of like that time
368
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:02,596
we did it on my parents' bed.
369
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,910
Uh, different boyfriend.
370
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,113
Whoops.
371
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,012
Okay, we'll circle
back to that later.
372
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,014
You ready to do this?
373
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,145
No guts, no glory.
374
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,179
Okay.
375
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,123
Ladies and gentleman,
376
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,119
this is your
Halloween candy.
377
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:33,227
Kate, what's happening?
378
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,673
I think he's gonna
take it away.
379
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:38,139
Oh, no, no, no.
Much worse.
380
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:41,238
I'm gonna take it away
from two of you.
381
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,671
Mom, you're letting him do this?
382
00:15:42,676 --> 00:15:45,076
Oh, absolutely.
383
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:47,248
Whoever tells us
about the hole
384
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:48,407
gets it all.
385
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:49,475
Every
386
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,322
single
387
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:54,148
piece.
ADAM: Mm-hmm.
388
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:58,224
Okay, so you three
have a decision to make.
389
00:15:58,224 --> 00:16:00,294
We'll give you a couple
minutes to decide.
390
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:08,602
We got to be strong.
They're bluffing.
391
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,231
I'm taking the deal.
392
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,168
Teddy, man up!
393
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,006
That was incredible.
394
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,641
Can you see 'em?
How do they look?
395
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,106
Oh, they're rattled.
396
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,014
I like our chances.
397
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:30,293
Okay, now we come
to the big question.
398
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,360
Who wants the candy?
399
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:38,330
Here we go.
400
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:44,399
No deal.
401
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,707
What?!
Okay, okay,
402
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,309
no one's leaving
unless someone confesses.
403
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,682
I don't even care
if they're lying now.
404
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,307
What are we doing?
405
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:59,146
I mean, we are tearing
this family apart.
406
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:03,152
And why? Just because of-of
some tiny hole in the wall?
407
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,386
(voice breaking):
I mean,
408
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,291
I just... I can't
do this anymore.
409
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:08,332
All we ever do is fight.
410
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,558
And it's all my fault.
411
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,233
(sobbing)
412
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,702
Okay, honey,
what's happening?
413
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,530
(crying)
414
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,236
(sniffles)
415
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:21,438
Mom, don't cry.
416
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,305
It's my fault.
417
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,380
I made the hole.
418
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,178
(sniffles)
419
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,722
It's my fault, too.
Wh--?
420
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,248
I took the skateboard out of the
cubby and dared him to ride it.
421
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,654
(sniffling)
422
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,755
Come on, Mom,
please stop crying.
423
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,057
And that's how you do that.
424
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,403
What?
425
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,257
Wow.
426
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:49,326
Wait, you were faking?
No fair!
427
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:50,795
You left me no choice.
428
00:17:50,804 --> 00:17:52,474
They're all yours.
429
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:57,307
Y-Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Katie, Teddy,
430
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,740
you are grounded,
uh, for two weeks.
431
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,746
No phones, no computers.
432
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,648
(groans)
433
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,319
Emme, you're cute.
434
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:08,488
Grab a lollipop and go play.
435
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,188
Well, that was a fun game.
436
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:12,590
(chuckling):
Yeah.
437
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,492
Where did that come from?
438
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:17,204
Eh, well, when all else fails,
Mama cries.
439
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:20,427
Well, you scared me.
I almost said I made the hole.
440
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,735
Well, when I saw the
candy thing going south,
441
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,667
I knew I had to pull
out the big guns.
442
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,743
Yeah, but now you told 'em.
So we can never use it again.
443
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,582
No, no, no, not true.
It always works.
444
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:34,108
Because what
if I'm really crying?
445
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:37,224
Yeah...
446
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:40,487
Those dopes'll fall
for it every time.
447
00:18:41,855 --> 00:18:45,155
Wait, have you
ever used that on me?
448
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,856
(scoffs)
No.
449
00:18:49,395 --> 00:18:51,395
Hold on, hold on.
450
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:54,227
That time you cried to get me
to go see the Dixie Chicks,
451
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,234
fake or real?
452
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:57,696
Super fake.
453
00:18:57,704 --> 00:19:02,544
Uh, hot air balloon ride
to see the fall foliage?
454
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,412
Fake-a-rooney.
455
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:07,310
(gasps)
456
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,783
Four days
at the bed-and-breakfast
457
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:13,322
with no TV when the Penguins
were in the play-offs?
458
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,319
Oh, no, no, no, babe,
that was real.
459
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,322
Good.
460
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,494
(chuckling):
Okay.
461
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,162
(chuckles)
462
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:27,566
(chuckles)
463
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:34,669
Hey.
Hey, hon. Oh, remember,
464
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,174
you need to get
your suit dry-cleaned
465
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,736
for my high school reunion
this weekend.
466
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:40,314
Oh.
467
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:41,913
That's this weekend?
468
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:43,375
(sucks air
through teeth)
469
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:45,583
Ooh, I don't think
I can make it. I...
470
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,585
Honey, you said
you'd go with me.
471
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,817
Yeah, but that was before you
told me about you and that guy
472
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:52,362
in your parents' bed.
473
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,660
(voice breaking):
I mean,
474
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:58,932
if I have to walk in there...
475
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:00,432
(sniffles)
476
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:03,503
...and meet that guy...
477
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:07,811
He could fall in love with you
all over again.
478
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:11,482
(sniffles sharply)
479
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,483
(sniffles)
480
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,918
(sniffles loudly)
481
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:26,290
You... bringing up that guy
really hurts my feelings, Adam.
482
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:28,462
I mean...
483
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,291
(voice breaking):
that was a long time ago,
you know?
484
00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:32,756
I mean, way before I met you.
485
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,365
I mean, it's not like you didn't
have other girlfriends, too,
486
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:36,968
you know?
Oh, oh, oh,
487
00:20:36,970 --> 00:20:38,970
oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
488
00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:42,842
I didn't mean... Oh-oh,
of course I'll go.
489
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:44,342
Told you it'd work again.
490
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:45,314
Aw!
491
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:48,450
(chuckles)
492
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,508
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