1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:05,243
You guys are in for
our March Madness party
this weekend, right?

2
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:07,083
Jen has to work,
but she's preapproved

3
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,508
several party jokes
for me to tell.

4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:09,442
I have a fun one about

5
00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:11,577
an elephant who doesn't
have to pack a bag

6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,182
because he already has a--
You know what, I'll save it.

7
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,245
Oh. (sputters)
I'll go

8
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:17,724
if you let me try out your
new heated toilet seat.

9
00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:18,651
I've been waiting
my whole life

10
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:22,256
for science to invent
something useful.

11
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,260
No, I am not letting you
up there.

12
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,292
You'll be on it all the time,
and I won't know

13
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,197
if the heat is from the seat
or from you.

14
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,359
(car horn honks outside)

15
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:32,328
Kids! Come on!
Your ride's here!

16
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,795
Bye!
Bye-bye.
See ya.

17
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,436
Love you.
Bye. Love you, too.

18
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,211
All right, have a great day.

19
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,740
Bye? Wh-What's happening?
(door closes)

20
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,275
Where are my babies going?

21
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,181
To school.
Yeah, I got them in a carpool

22
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,283
with what's-her-name,
that mom with the husky kid

23
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,375
that always wears
the velour tracksuits.

24
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:52,347
We call him Tiny Soprano.
(chuckles)

25
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,324
And why can't you
drive them anymore?

26
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:56,786
Because I have to leave
the office early

27
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,234
to do afternoon pickup, and
as soon as I walk out the door,

28
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,830
Don goes to the dog track.

29
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:05,202
I do do that.

30
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:07,373
I didn't think
he knew it.

31
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,301
Well, we're all
learning things today.

32
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:10,737
Mm. Yeah.

33
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:13,211
A carpool would make
my life so much easier.

34
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,381
Well, we should get
to work.

35
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:16,809
Unless you'd allow me
a few minutes upstairs

36
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,314
on your new hot potty.

37
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:20,306
No way.

38
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:23,218
Only one king sits
on that throne.

39
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:28,763
Yeah, uh, honey, I'm not
so sure about a carpool.

40
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:31,859
Okay? I mean, how will I know
if the kids get home safe?

41
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:34,262
I don't get home
until 5:00.

42
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:38,265
That gives the kidnappers
a two-hour head start.

43
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:39,599
Morning, guys.

44
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,603
Perfect timing.
Look, I know all about

45
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,595
your unreasonable fear
of kidnappers.

46
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,437
That's why
Rudy's here, okay?

47
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,213
I got him to hook us up
with some cameras.

48
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,211
He does security
at the stadium.

49
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,283
I like this.
Yeah, yeah.

50
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,452
The Steelers are way more
valuable than our kids.

51
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:57,791
And so far, not one of them
has been kidnapped.

52
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:58,888
ANDI:
So, with the cameras,

53
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:01,419
I'll know if the
kids get home safe.

54
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,285
I am finding this practical,
organized side of you

55
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,455
very attractive.

56
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,434
Well, buckle up, baby,

57
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:11,632
because you can watch all
of the footage from the cameras

58
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,465
on your iPad.

59
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,401
Now, how does the footage get
from the cameras to your iPad?

60
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,437
Don't ask Rudy,
because he'll tell ya,

61
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,812
and it's very boring.

62
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,441
Yeah, it is.

63
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,676
You know, a
lot of people

64
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,681
like to say
that nerds are cool again,

65
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,183
but we're not.

66
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,315
Anyways, I put one camera

67
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,820
over your front door

68
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,451
and one on the garage
facing the back door.

69
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,317
Where would you like
the last one?

70
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,786
Uh... (gasps) Let's put
it in the living room.

71
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,534
Yeah. Yeah, then I can figure
out which one of the kids

72
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,660
been eating my M&M'S
and stuffing the wrappers

73
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:44,665
in the couch cushions. Huh?

74
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,438
Or we could make sure
they're doing their homework

75
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:48,638
so they can go to college.

76
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,269
And afford
their own M&M'S.
Sure!

77
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,905
Okay, well,

78
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,170
I'll recheck everything
in a couple of days.

79
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:57,508
If you're not home, I'll just
use the key behind your planter.

80
00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:58,845
How do you know
about that?

81
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,579
Because I'm in security.

82
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,584
It's my job to know
these things.

83
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,246
Also, you told me.

84
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:07,515
But mainly it's because
I'm in security.

85
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,455
Uh, listen, thanks so much
for all your help, Rudy.

86
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,360
Oh, sure thing. You know,
actually, I should get going.

87
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,362
Joy's out of town for the week,

88
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,904
and I bought a giant ham
for dinner. (chuckles)

89
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,469
Yeah, we're
gonna have

90
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:18,568
a session.

91
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,269
I'm sorry, wh...

92
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,472
why can't you eat that
when Joy's around?

93
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:25,443
(sighs) Because I like it
too much and she gets jealous.

94
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:28,313
"Why don't you put that ham
down and come over here

95
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:30,312
and snuggle with me?"

96
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,584
That's all I hear.

97
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:36,024
(door opens, closes)

98
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,849
Hmm. You know,
in a weird way,

99
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,686
that was a very sweet story.

100
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,691
Yeah, um, he...

101
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,733
he's gonna eat
the ham, right?

102
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,496
Hey. So, you'll never
guess what I saw

103
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:51,771
the kids doing today
on the cameras.

104
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:54,339
Were they eating
my M&M'S?

105
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:57,508
Sorry, babe, that-that
case remains unsolved.

106
00:03:57,538 --> 00:04:00,708
They just came home and
started doing their homework

107
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,011
without anybody telling them to.

108
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,683
What?

109
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:07,722
We're the greatest parents
in the world, and it's on video.

110
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:11,588
Oh. Let me check
the back door footage. I, uh...

111
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:13,419
I think a raccoon's
been digging up our flowers,

112
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,294
and I don't want
to accuse him without proof.

113
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:16,563
Otherwise, I'll look
like an idiot.

114
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,330
Well, yeah.

115
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,329
Oh, look.
(chuckles)

116
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,501
You can see me doing dishes
in the kitchen window.

117
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,530
Yeah. (chuckles)
(chuckles)

118
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,565
Uh-oh.
Huh?

119
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,440
Was this after the kids
went to bed last night?

120
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,740
Mm-hmm.

121
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,571
Oh.

122
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,376
Am I about to come up
behind you?

123
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:39,546
BOTH:
Oh, no!

124
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,320
(both gasp)

125
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:42,749
Oh!

126
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,723
We accidentally made
an S-E-X tape!

127
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,963
And here we go.

128
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,818
Oh...

129
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,526
Huh.

130
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,633
Not bad.

131
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,726
(chuckles)
Not bad yourself.

132
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,738
I was talking about me.

133
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,810
Oh, okay, let's start
it from the beginning.

134
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,808
I want to watch it
when I'm not scared.

135
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,840
(chuckles)

136
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,553
*

137
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,786
(phone rings)
Hey, honey.

138
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,785
How's it going, movie star?

139
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:30,427
(chuckles) Well, it's not
as exciting as last night,

140
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:31,904
Best Supporting Actor.

141
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:34,502
Supporting Actor?

142
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,895
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

143
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,136
At one point,
I did have to support you.

144
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,941
Any-Anyway,

145
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,883
I left a present for you.
Check your downloaded videos.

146
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,910
Huh?

147
00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:49,123
(gasps)

148
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,989
(quietly):
Our secret video? You saved it?

149
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,019
I thought you might like it.

150
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,963
Well, meet me at home for lunch.

151
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,958
I'll show you exactly
how I feel about it.

152
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,960
I can't wait. (chuckles)

153
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,462
Hold on, hold on.

154
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,164
Are we gonna do
what I think we're gonna do?

155
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:05,095
'Cause I don't want to skip
lunch just to get yelled at.

156
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:07,402
(door opens)

157
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:09,465
Ah, there she is.

158
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:12,043
Huh? I'm a big fan.
I've seen all your movie.

159
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,042
(laughs)

160
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:16,644
Okay, let's go.
I can't believe this worked.

161
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,907
Well, it did.
But after, delete this video.

162
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,616
Or, or we have
a few cameras.

163
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:24,179
We could do a whole series.
You love to binge watch.

164
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,047
Okay the more you talk about
this, the less it's working.

165
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,817
Okay, okay, you're right.
I promise I'll delete it.

166
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:29,886
Let's keep this train moving.

167
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,963
Okay.
Choo-choo!

168
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,932
You're right, I'll save the
train noises for the bedroom.

169
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,801
Oh...

170
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,144
Uh, where's Mom's iPad?

171
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,506
Uh, none of you guys
have it, do ya?

172
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:51,914
'Cause private stuff on there.

173
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,475
I mean, like, taxes, and...

174
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,075
other grown-up words.

175
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,117
Grandma came by
and borrowed it.

176
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,462
Grandma has it?

177
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,589
She said she was playing a mean
game of Words With Friends

178
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,934
and broke hers.

179
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,888
When did this happen?
Where was I?

180
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,897
Upstairs with your
new toilet seat.

181
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,529
(scoffs)

182
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,504
Okay, Andi...
Hey.

183
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,543
How are my perfect angels?

184
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,939
Y-You're talking to us?

185
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,511
Uh, Andi, I-I need a word.

186
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:23,541
It's about the special
present on your iPad.

187
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:24,947
Oh, what present?
I want to see!

188
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,648
No, you don't.
You'll never be the same.

189
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:29,849
What's wrong?

190
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,523
You are gonna love this.
(chuckles)

191
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,092
Remember that time you
told me to get milk,

192
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,860
but I didn't?

193
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,188
Well, we have a similar
situation here, okay?

194
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,964
But the milk is
our naked bodies.

195
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:42,733
And my mom has the milk.

196
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,703
Wait, what?

197
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,272
My mom took your iPad.

198
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,569
Well, you deleted
the video, right?

199
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:50,802
Yes, yes. I pulled you
out here on the porch

200
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,868
to tell you
everything's fine.

201
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,206
How could you not
delete the video?

202
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,982
I-I thought it'd be fun to put
some music under it, you know?

203
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:01,051
Like... like, uh...
like Chariots of Fire,

204
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,821
or "For Those
About to Rock."

205
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,090
You know, pretty
spicy, right?

206
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:08,158
Spicy? What...
Where are you getting this?

207
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,718
I was at the
dentist last week,

208
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,257
reading one of those
women's magazines,

209
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,131
and there was an article about
keeping relationships spicy.

210
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,801
And one of the things
it said was,

211
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:18,129
"Don't be afraid to
surprise your partner."

212
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,995
So, surprise!

213
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,974
Okay, honey,
I have told you,

214
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,073
those women's magazines
are not for you.

215
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,806
Okay?

216
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,981
Those ideas, they go
inside your man brain

217
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,680
and they bang around in there,
and then... and then

218
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:35,153
they come out
all naked and dirty.

219
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:38,322
I didn't hear you complaining
by the kitchen sink.

220
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,821
Adam!

221
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,163
We have to get
that video back right now.

222
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,259
Okay, okay. I was just
trying to spice things up.

223
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,561
And you got to admit,
for a minute, it worked.

224
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:49,164
Well, it was definitely
more than a minute, but...

225
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,156
that's just a figure
of speech.

226
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:54,228
I don't have to tell you.
You were there. Okay.

227
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,196
Hey, uh, where's Mom?

228
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,007
She's right...

229
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:02,309
Oh. I guess she went out.

230
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,582
I'm watching soap operas
for no reason.

231
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,212
Uh, have you seen
my iPad?

232
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,317
She borrowed it,
and we need it back.

233
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:12,019
Oh. Well, here you go.

234
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,994
No, no, an iPad.

235
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:19,063
That's a pad. I gave it to you.
Now it's your pad.

236
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,764
No, it-it's like
a little computer.

237
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,296
It's more of a tablet.

238
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,331
Like the Ten Commandments?

239
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:28,874
This could take years.

240
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,142
It's that square thing
she's always yelling at.

241
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,841
Oh, that.
Mm.

242
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,043
Well, hers broke,
so she borrowed yours.

243
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,035
We know.

244
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,207
That's where we started.

245
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:42,616
Well, then, give me that back.
It's my pad.

246
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,020
(groans)

247
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,891
Just... (chuckles) tell us
where the computer is.

248
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,320
Well, she gave it to Don

249
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,285
so Don could give it
back to you at work.

250
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,263
Don?
Great.

251
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,892
If he has it,
they're probably already

252
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,997
selling it at truck stops.
Come on.

253
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,301
Don! Don! Uh...

254
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,873
Oh, no, no,
he's not here.

255
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,842
He went over to Rudy's
to visit a ham.

256
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,838
I don't ask questions anymore.

257
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:09,984
Um, did he leave
my iPad by any chance?

258
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,210
Oh, yes, it's right here.

259
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,014
Oh, thank God.

260
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,846
I do not enjoy tiny computers.
They make me feel like a giant.

261
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:17,323
(chuckles)

262
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,090
No, no, no.
This-this isn't mine.

263
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,150
That's Lowell's.
Lowell was here earlier.

264
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:24,318
I guess they got them mixed up,
and he took yours.

265
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,887
Lowell? That's
worse than Don.

266
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,227
I'm his hero.

267
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,331
Nobody wants to see
Superman without his cape!

268
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,873
Or his underwear.

269
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,369
Lowell?
(clears throat)

270
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,005
Hi.

271
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,010
Hi.

272
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,381
Hi. (chuckles)

273
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:44,880
Hey.

274
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:47,282
Oh, uh, i-is Lowell here?

275
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:50,054
Uh, no, he's not here.
I'm Heather. I'm the new nanny.

276
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,353
Outstanding.
Uh, listen, if you're looking

277
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,345
for some extra work, I got
some gutters at my place...

278
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,387
All right, all right, all right.

279
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:59,033
Uh, we're Lowell's friends,
Adam and Andi,

280
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,699
and he has my iPad.
H-Have you seen it?

281
00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,359
Oh, yes, he took it
with him to the gym.

282
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,696
He said he'd bring it
by your party.

283
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:07,702
That's not good enough.
I need it now!

284
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,435
She-she just really
needs her computer, okay?

285
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,269
She's an online
gambler. Yeah.

286
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,244
And we don't like to talk
about it. It's very painful.

287
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,273
Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

288
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,409
We have to call Lowell
and track him down.

289
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:19,975
Okay? O-Or...

290
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,253
or we could report
his car stolen,

291
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,021
let the cops do the work for us.

292
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,320
We'll just get it
at the party.

293
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,151
We don't need
to panic. Okay?

294
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,816
We're married, and
we have children.

295
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,385
The secret's out that we
like to bow-chicka-bow-bow.

296
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,460
Okay, but word about this video
will spread, all right?

297
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,795
It'll be the thing
that we become known for.

298
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:40,131
I mean, people will read
my obituary, and they'll say,

299
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:41,897
"Aw, Sex Tape Andi died.

300
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:45,865
Yeah, and she's survived
by her husband, Sex Tape Adam."

301
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,076
I don't want
to be Sex Tape Adam.

302
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:51,008
Who's gonna marry Sex Tape Adam?

303
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,354
You're getting married already?

304
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,349
You just told me you're dead.

305
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,321
If you don't find my iPad,

306
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,889
I'm gonna be known
as Killed Her Husband Andi.

307
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,489
Let's go.

308
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,460
(sportscast playing,
excited shouting)

309
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:04,059
Yes!
(knocking on door)

310
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:07,461
Oh! That's Lowell.
Get it, get it, get it.
Okay.

311
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,234
Rudy. Hey...

312
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,332
Oh. Boy, you don't look so good.

313
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:13,474
I need you to take my ham.

314
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,965
I have no self-control
without Joy.

315
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:20,014
I ate so much
that I went up a sock size.

316
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,940
I-I'll put it in
the fridge for you.

317
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:24,405
Uh, no-- that's okay.
I'll do it.

318
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,454
She likes the middle shelf.

319
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,919
(knocking on door)

320
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,149
Oh.

321
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,483
Lowell. H-Hey.

322
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:32,988
Come on in, buddy.

323
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,790
I'm marching in,
ready for madness.

324
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:36,923
(laughs) Give me that.

325
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,457
(chuckles)

326
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:41,261
Listen, you have got to tell
people when you get a new nanny.

327
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:42,804
I made an ass of myself.

328
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:46,300
All right, eat something. Okay.

329
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:48,343
I'm gonna miss you, baby.

330
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,214
Okay, you dodged a serious
bullet here, mister.

331
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,210
Now delete this video
so I can sleep in peace.

332
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,812
Okay. Right, right,
right, right.

333
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,814
(sighs)
What...

334
00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,846
Why'd you pause it
halfway through?

335
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,281
My best moves
are at the end.

336
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,516
Wha... What? No, I-I
didn't watch any of it.

337
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,352
No, uh, see?
The video's been played,

338
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,217
and then paused in the middle.

339
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:11,356
That means someone
else watched it.

340
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:15,231
Someone... in there.

341
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,400
Maybe I should have just
driven the kids to school.

342
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,435
You think?

343
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:35,875
Okay. Your mom, Don and Lowell,
they all had my iPad.

344
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,316
Any one of them could've
watched our movie.

345
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,120
Well, maybe they didn't
know it was us.

346
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:48,200
Adam, you named the file
"Andi Does Dishes and More."

347
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,528
O-Okay, here's what we do:
we split up

348
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:53,533
and find out
who watched it, then...

349
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:56,236
we come up with a real plan.

350
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,339
I'm in. Yeah, uh...

351
00:13:58,371 --> 00:13:59,911
Which one us has
to talk to your mom?

352
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,240
Not it.
Not it! Dang it!

353
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,584
Ah.

354
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,109
Yeah. I'm quick.
(imitates gunshot)

355
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,284
Talk to my mother.

356
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,417
So, Lowell.

357
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:13,589
(chuckles): I have seen
some crazy stuff on iPads.

358
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,260
Now you say something.

359
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:18,459
I like that shirt, Bev.
(chuckles)

360
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:21,431
Did you buy it on the iPad?

361
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,261
If you're talking
about your iPad,

362
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:25,096
I only have one thing to say.

363
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:28,642
What I saw on there
was deeply disappointing.

364
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:30,398
BEV:
I know what you're getting at,

365
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,267
and I don't want
to talk about it.

366
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:35,305
I'm embarrassed enough as it is.

367
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:38,309
Andi!

368
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:39,475
Adam!

369
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,312
Lowell definitely
watched it.

370
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:42,448
Well, your mom
watched it, too.

371
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:44,482
Wha...
Yeah. I think she no
longer thinks my meat loaf

372
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,387
is the worst thing I've
ever done in the kitchen.

373
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,019
(scoffs)

374
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,355
What are you guys
doing in here?

375
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,060
Nothing! W-We've never
done anything here,

376
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:55,462
especially by the sink.

377
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:58,225
You're avoiding me, aren't you?

378
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:01,325
Look, we all know
what was on that computer.

379
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:05,308
It's natural, it's human,
and yes, it was hot.

380
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,407
Congratulations to you both.

381
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:20,423
They all watched it!

382
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:24,593
And my brother liked it.

383
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:28,134
Oh, they're probably in there
talking about it right now.

384
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,301
(laughter)

385
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,530
Oh, okay, okay, no, no,
they're-they're not talking.

386
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,296
(chuckles):
They're laughing.

387
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:39,165
Andi, they're not talking,
they're laughing!

388
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:41,236
Okay, well, y-you got to go
in there and-and clear the air.

389
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,444
Otherwise, every time
we hear them laugh,

390
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,105
we'll know they're
laughing at you.

391
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,454
Wha...?

392
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,649
Uh, what do you mean,
laughing at me?

393
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,422
Oh, it's ju...
it's just, you know,

394
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,021
you're so serious on the video.

395
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,753
You know? It's like,
I'm having a good time,

396
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,617
and-and you look like
you're trying to land a plane.

397
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:02,398
I need Joy
to come home.

398
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:05,429
Without her, I overeat,
I don't do laundry.

399
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:09,995
I'm wearing a bathing
suit as underwear.

400
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:13,037
Voice of experience:
when you run out of swim trunks,

401
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:17,243
you'll start dipping
into her underwear.

402
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,347
That's when it gets weird.

403
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,680
(TV turns off)
Whoa, whoa!
Hey!

404
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:27,517
All right, all right,
listen up, listen up. Um...

405
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:31,324
Love is complicated,
so sometimes you have to do

406
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,728
some pretty crazy stuff to keep
things spicy, am I right?

407
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:39,466
I think this is how
swinger parties start.

408
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,672
I'm gonna move slowly
towards the door

409
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,713
and try not to look sexy.

410
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,037
Lowell, it's not
a swinger party.

411
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,276
My parents are here.

412
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:52,381
Okay, look,

413
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,482
big deal, we made a sex tape.

414
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:55,624
You-you what?

415
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,748
We know you saw it, Ma.

416
00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,394
I didn't see anything.

417
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:02,759
But I'm sure
you were great, honey.

418
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:05,559
Wha...? W-Why did you tell
me you were embarrassed

419
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,462
to talk about my iPad?

420
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,604
'Cause I spilled coffee on it,
thought I broke it.

421
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:13,400
Oh. Well, unfortunately,
you didn't.

422
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,473
It still plays fine.

423
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,172
Why are you
telling us all this?

424
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,335
Because you saw it.

425
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,212
You said you were
disappointed.

426
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,041
Andi was doing
the best she could.

427
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,812
I was disappointed
because I read in your e-mails

428
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,147
that you invited Don
to your March Madness party

429
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,683
a full week before me.

430
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,588
You went through
my e-mails?

431
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,258
Hey, I'm not on trial here!

432
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,260
You're the ones
with the sex tape.

433
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,732
All right, I-I know
Don definitely saw it.

434
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,402
Well, first of all,

435
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,501
thank you for such a delightful
and moving speech.

436
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:47,833
But...

437
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:49,837
I have not seen
the film in question.

438
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,399
You said it was hot.

439
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:54,068
I was talking about
your heated toilet seat.

440
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,509
Rudy told me you put in cameras
so I thought you saw me

441
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,505
when I stopped by for a test
drive when you weren't there.

442
00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:06,119
Little tip:
don't turn it up to ten. Oof.

443
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:12,488
Okay, so n-nobody
knew about the video,

444
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:16,195
but now you do, because
we just told you.

445
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,529
(chuckles) Look at Sex Tape Andi
trying to put it together.

446
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,366
I told you they'd call
us that! I told you.

447
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,602
JOE:
Don't be ashamed, son.

448
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:28,137
Your mom and I, we-we made a
Super 8 back in the '70s, huh?

449
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:30,535
We enjoyed it.

450
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,847
We had some good times with it,
until I accidentally sold it

451
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,209
at a yard sale.

452
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,492
Best 50 cents
that guy ever spent.
Yeah.

453
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:49,696
Hey, so if nobody
watched the video,

454
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,929
why was it paused
halfway through?

455
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,644
(scoffs) I don't know why anyone
would pause that masterpiece.

456
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,298
It was probably a glitch.

457
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,607
A glitch? Is that a thing?

458
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,308
I'd like to think so. Yeah.

459
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:01,610
(stammers)
You know, it doesn't matter.

460
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:02,781
It's deleted.

461
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:03,939
(sighs)

462
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,876
But I will never delete it...
from here.

463
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,823
(laughs)

464
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:12,818
So, um, do you really think
we need to spice things up?

465
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,622
I mean, I thought
we were pretty spicy already.

466
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,485
Uh, we are, yeah, but there's
no such thing as too spicy.

467
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,456
Huh? I mean, I only
have two moves:

468
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,404
The Go Fast and
the Catch My Breath.

469
00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:25,531
(knocking on door)

470
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,395
ADAM:
Hey, Rudy.
Hey, guys.

471
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,544
How's it going?

472
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:29,598
Not too good.

473
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:32,666
I don't even have a fitted sheet
on my bed anymore.

474
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,340
I've hit rock bottom,

475
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,475
and I thought, "You know
what would be great down here?

476
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,680
Some ham."

477
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,581
Hey, uh...

478
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,423
Buddy, I-I don't think we can

479
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,219
give this back; you got a bit
of a self-control issue.

480
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,252
I have a self-control issue?

481
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,417
You won't even let
your wife do the dishes

482
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:50,556
without jumping her bones.

483
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,390
(gasps)

484
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,360
You watched it?

485
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:56,695
And it was you
who paused it.

486
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:58,827
Why would you pause it?

487
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,425
That's not important.
Go ahead, honey.

488
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:03,869
Well, h-how did
you see it?

489
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:06,373
Well, I came by to check
on the security system,

490
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:08,576
and I opened your iPad
and up popped the video

491
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,278
of you two getting freaky.

492
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,448
Swinging a towel, and...

493
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,280
bubbles flying everywhere...
ANDI: Okay, okay.

494
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,015
That's enough.
Yeah, that towel thing

495
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,919
just kind of came
to me in the moment.

496
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,021
Yeah.

497
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,393
I can't believe
this happened.

498
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:23,462
So, anyways,

499
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:25,660
I paused it-- sorry...

500
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,597
...and then I left.
I wouldn't have said anything,

501
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,729
but you guys started
ham-shaming me.

502
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:37,301
Okay, I-I'll
tell you what.

503
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,867
We'll give you this back

504
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:42,406
if you swear to never
speak of that video again.

505
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,942
Don't worry, everything
that happened this week,

506
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:45,746
I am taking to the grave.

507
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,478
Which could be pretty soon,

508
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,684
because my heart is beating
twice as fast now.

509
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,450
(door closes)

510
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,657
Well, there goes a man

511
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,988
who's gonna wake up
next to a ham.
Oh.

512
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:06,665
Captioning sponsored by
CBS

513
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:10,769
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org