1
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:04,395
ADAM:
I'm telling you, Teddy,

2
00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:05,527
you looked great
at baseball today.

3
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,529
All we need to
work on is hitting.

4
00:00:07,572 --> 00:00:10,053
And throwing and catching.

5
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:11,968
Everything else
you got locked down.

6
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,187
Thanks.
[chuckles]

7
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:14,492
Hey, when we get home,

8
00:00:14,536 --> 00:00:15,798
can I finally drive
your truck up the driveway?

9
00:00:15,841 --> 00:00:18,409
I wish you could,
but you remember our deal.

10
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:19,454
You have to be taller
than that mark

11
00:00:19,497 --> 00:00:20,977
I put on your bedroom door.

12
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,023
But I keep growing,
and I never get any closer.

13
00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:25,808
It's weird. It's like
the mark is getting higher.

14
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:29,899
Huh. That is weird.

15
00:00:29,942 --> 00:00:32,815
Hey, hey, no feet
on the dashboard.

16
00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:34,860
You want to drive
Grey Thunder someday,

17
00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:36,862
show some respect.

18
00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:39,604
Sorry, Grey Thunder.
Yeah.

19
00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:40,605
I'm just looking out for you.

20
00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:42,477
It's like I always say,

21
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:43,739
you get what you want...

22
00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:45,088
BOTH:
By knowing
what other people want.

23
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:46,829
That's right.
That's right.

24
00:00:46,872 --> 00:00:49,484
And when you're older, if you
get in your girlfriend's car

25
00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:51,094
and put your feet up
on the dashboard,

26
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:53,401
that date does not end
in a smooch.

27
00:00:53,444 --> 00:00:55,664
I want the smooch; that's the
only reason I play baseball.

28
00:00:55,707 --> 00:01:00,060
[chuckles]
That's the only reason
we do anything.

29
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,626
So how's school?

30
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:03,715
I got an English paper
back today, and I got an "A."

31
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,717
Right on.
[chuckles]

32
00:01:05,761 --> 00:01:07,545
I had to write an essay
on who my hero is.

33
00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:10,592
Your hero, huh?

34
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:14,509
Enough said.

35
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:20,167
Hey, Teddy.
How was baseball?

36
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,560
Did you face the right way
this time?

37
00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:23,648
Nothing hit me.

38
00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:29,306
Hey, this season's
shaping up.

39
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:30,655
What's, uh,
what-what's this?

40
00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:31,830
"Just dream"?

41
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:33,571
Oh, yeah.
I painted it myself.

42
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:34,790
What do you think?

43
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,139
Well, I think
if you want something

44
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,575
for our neighbors to read,
how about

45
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:38,924
"tell your husband
to close the blinds

46
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:41,927
when he showers"?!

47
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:44,234
Okay, well, I don't have to,

48
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,106
because you yell it at him
every time you get the paper.

49
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,849
I think the chair is inspiring.

50
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:53,591
Well, if you want inspiration,

51
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:56,377
there's something very special
in Teddy's backpack.

52
00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:59,380
Uh-oh, did he leave
another ham sandwich in there?

53
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:02,165
I'm not digging that deep.

54
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,472
I'm gonna stay in the upper
half, where everything's dry.

55
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:06,691
Here it is.

56
00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:09,085
Why don't you read this
grade A work

57
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,522
of literature aloud while I make
room for it on the fridge.

58
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:12,523
Hmm.

59
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,699
Let's see.

60
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:17,615
"'My Hero,' by Teddy Burns."
[chuckles]

61
00:02:17,659 --> 00:02:20,444
"Who is my hero?
This question is easy.

62
00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:22,620
My hero is my mother,
Andi Burns"?

63
00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:23,665
[gasps]

64
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:30,106
Very funny.
Read-read the real one.

65
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,542
No, no, no, no, look.
Look, honey,

66
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,544
I thought for sure
it was gonna be you.

67
00:02:33,588 --> 00:02:35,416
[chuckles]

68
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:43,641
Nope. It says "mom"
everywhere on here.

69
00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,600
[chuckles]
Yeah.

70
00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:48,864
This is gonna look great
on the fridge.

71
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:51,301
♪

72
00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:01,442
Here's your cocoa, Emme.

73
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,270
I gave you
extra marshmallows.

74
00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:05,315
Thanks, Daddy.
[chuckling]:
Yeah.

75
00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:07,404
You know, in a few years,

76
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:09,624
you're gonna get
an assignment at school.

77
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:13,105
Something about a hero.

78
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,587
And you know what rhymes
with "hero"?

79
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:19,199
Marshmallow.

80
00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:21,723
Daddy, marshmallow, hero.
That's how you remember that.

81
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:24,465
Okay. I'm going outside.

82
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:25,466
Okay.

83
00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:27,903
Hey, sit in my new chair.

84
00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,861
And don't forget to dream.

85
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:32,647
Maybe dream about the guy
who gave you marshmallows.

86
00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,086
Hey, where'd Teddy's essay go?

87
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:39,175
Oh, that?
I-I thought it looked better

88
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,917
on the back of the pantry door.

89
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,353
You hid my essay?

90
00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,574
Why, so people wouldn't see it?No.

91
00:03:46,617 --> 00:03:48,228
We're talking
about the pantry here.

92
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:49,881
Tons of foot traffic.

93
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:53,711
And the-the pantry is really
the heart of the home.

94
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:55,713
Yeah, that's where
all our favorite stuff is.

95
00:03:55,757 --> 00:04:00,327
The snacks and the-the,
the, uh, broom.

96
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:04,200
What are you doing?

97
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,289
Nothing.

98
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,378
[chuckles]
What are you doing?

99
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:12,556
I think I'm watching you
make an ass of yourself.

100
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,255
I'm fine.
You're the one who's cursing.

101
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,432
Is it the essay?

102
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,824
Maybe we should just
get rid of that thing.

103
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:22,610
It is tearing this family apart.

104
00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:24,307
You're jealous.

105
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:25,569
I know.

106
00:04:25,613 --> 00:04:27,702
Get ahold of yourself, man.

107
00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:28,746
I can't!

108
00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:32,663
Why don't you just take comfort
in that fact that,

109
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:34,317
even though Teddy
didn't pick you,

110
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:37,538
he picked the person that you
love the most in the world?

111
00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:44,458
You heroes make me sick.

112
00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:47,330
Uh, sorry, I-I missed
that last part,

113
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,854
'cause all I heard was,
"You hero."

114
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:52,857
Yeah, everything's funny
to the person on the fridge.

115
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,905
Come on, are you really
gonna make this a thing?

116
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,602
I'm not making it a thing.

117
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:01,823
You're the one moonwalking
in the end zone.

118
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,912
Well, I think I deserve it.

119
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:06,218
I mean, after all,
I did give birth to him.

120
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:08,830
On a bed.

121
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,224
I had to stand in a
cold delivery room

122
00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:14,749
for seven hours.

123
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:17,012
Not to mention you got
$20,000 worth of drugs.

124
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:18,492
I couldn't even get a Coke!

125
00:05:19,797 --> 00:05:22,974
I know, I crossed the line.

126
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:27,588
So I'm gonna go
sit in your chair

127
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,198
and dream I never said it.

128
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,986
[chuckles weakly]

129
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:38,947
If it makes you
feel any better,

130
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:40,427
you're myhero.

131
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,690
Great. Can you stand
in front of my refrigerator

132
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,431
and say that to everyone
that walks by?

133
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,650
Can I bring a stool?

134
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,696
Look, all I'm saying is,
if it's not on a piece of paper,

135
00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:49,740
it doesn't help me.

136
00:05:49,784 --> 00:05:52,656
It's not too late
to win Teddy over.

137
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,397
He's a 12-year-old boy.

138
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:57,618
All you have to do is save
the planet from aliens. Easy.

139
00:05:57,661 --> 00:06:00,969
I'm a little short
on aliens right now, Don.

140
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:03,667
I'm just the idea man here.

141
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:07,062
Afternoon, men.

142
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:08,324
Hey, Pop, I'm ready.

143
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,065
My tackle box is
in the truck.

144
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:12,372
Where you guys going?Fishing.

145
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:13,634
When did you make this plan?

146
00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:14,678
Last night at dinner.

147
00:06:14,722 --> 00:06:15,679
You guys had dinner?

148
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,333
Yeah, before bingo.

149
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,727
You guys played bingo?

150
00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:21,381
Maybe get your ears checked.

151
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,425
You don't hear so good.

152
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,644
Good one, Pop.

153
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,733
We'll laugh about that
on the boat.[laughs]

154
00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:27,778
[both continue laughing]

155
00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,783
Did you see that?

156
00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:35,699
They're going
fishing without me.

157
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:37,309
Well, maybe let your dad
and your brother

158
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:38,833
not wanting
to spend time with you

159
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,749
take your mind off your son
not looking up to you.

160
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:46,406
I could have said that better.

161
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:49,800
How could Teddy not think
I'm his hero?

162
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:52,324
I'm the greatest man
he's ever known.

163
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:53,935
Maybe you're too humble.

164
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:56,459
That's it.

165
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,113
I am good at a lot of things,

166
00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:00,158
and one of the things I'm
best at is being humble.

167
00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:01,595
[laughs]

168
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,640
Oh. Uh-huh.
Makes sense.

169
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,903
See, the problem is,

170
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,471
I haven't been showing
Teddy my best qualities.

171
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:10,821
He only sees me as Dad.

172
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:14,042
I need to show him the
man behind the dad.

173
00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:16,479
Well, until then,
you're my hero,

174
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,089
and per your request,
here it is,

175
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:20,004
documented on paper.

176
00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:24,052
Thanks, Lowell, but it's
not really the same thing.

177
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:25,880
It does spruce up
the office, though.

178
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:32,713
Teddy, look what I found.

179
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:37,239
The Adam Burns Golden Box
of Childhood Accomplishments.

180
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,110
Huh?

181
00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:42,505
Isn't that the box Mom's always
asking you to throw away?

182
00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:44,768
That's 'cause she's jealous.
Where's her box, huh?

183
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:45,900
I didn't think so.

184
00:07:45,943 --> 00:07:47,902
You see,

185
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:50,687
I don't think you know
who your old man really is.

186
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:52,123
All right?
Like, check this out.

187
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:59,696
"Local 4-H boy saves cow,
delivers emergency calf."

188
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,830
That boy, your dad.

189
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:04,353
I believe a couple
paragraphs down

190
00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:08,139
they call me a hero.

191
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,793
Whoa.

192
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:12,622
Exactly. Whoa.

193
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,842
You put your hand
up a cow's butt?

194
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:20,804
What? No.
It wasn't the butt.

195
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,850
What was it, then?

196
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:27,985
[stammering]

197
00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:30,814
Well, it's complicated.
[clears throat]

198
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,860
Why, what else is back there?

199
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:40,432
Uh...

200
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:42,739
Fine, it was the butt.

201
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:49,964
Hey, did you find me a spider?

202
00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:52,009
Yeah. I can always find
one on the rowing machine

203
00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,795
that Marcy swore she
would use every day.

204
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:57,841
I think he was living
in her web of lies.

205
00:08:57,885 --> 00:09:00,409
[chuckles]
Great, I'm gonna use it
to impress Teddy.

206
00:09:00,452 --> 00:09:04,500
My cow butt article
didn't do anything.

207
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,502
Then, I remembered that Teddy's
really scared of spiders.

208
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,504
Now, I might not be able
to save him from aliens,

209
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,375
but I can save him
from one of those.

210
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:11,942
I'm glad you listened
to the smart guy for once.

211
00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:12,943
[chuckles]

212
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:15,903
Whoa, almost drank a spider.

213
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:17,165
Yeah, close one.

214
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:18,906
Mm.
Now, listen.

215
00:09:18,949 --> 00:09:20,908
When Teddy comes down,
you act scared,

216
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,954
I'll kill the spider
and look like a hero. Huh?

217
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:25,869
All right.
Teddy, your snack is ready!

218
00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:26,870
Okay, let him go.

219
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,132
No, no, no, you do it.

220
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:29,133
He saw my face
when I grabbed him.

221
00:09:29,177 --> 00:09:30,178
He's already mad at me.

222
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,531
There's nothing in here.

223
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,750
Maybe he's on the lid.

224
00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:38,142
Whoa, it's on my hand!

225
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:40,188
Where'd it go?

226
00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:42,364
Where'd what go?There's a spider loose in here.

227
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,975
What?! Where?!

228
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,455
Why are you running to him?

229
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:47,456
Because it's on you.

230
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,024
What?!

231
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,591
What's going on?

232
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:52,766
There was a spider on me, Andi.

233
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:54,942
Wha...?

234
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,729
Done.

235
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:03,167
You used my Golden
Accomplishment.

236
00:10:03,211 --> 00:10:05,953
That was incredible, Mom.
You really are a hero.

237
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:08,172
[scoffs]

238
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:15,789
I stood up the whole time
you were being born.

239
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,141
She just laid there.

240
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:22,665
High as a kite!

241
00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:29,672
Hey, buddy.

242
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,848
You need a little help
with your homework?

243
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,284
I'm an ace at it.

244
00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:35,417
You might even call me
a homework hero. [chuckles]

245
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,245
That'd be great; it's math.

246
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:40,509
Okay... hit me.

247
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:44,121
How do I factor a polynomial?

248
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:50,084
Hey, you want to drive my truck
up the driveway?

249
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:55,306
What are we gonna do?

250
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:57,874
I said go right.I did go right.

251
00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,876
Your other right.

252
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,312
[sighs]

253
00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:10,234
Ah, here comes Mom,
she's gonna kill me.

254
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,236
Wha... Okay, uh, all right,
you go in the house.

255
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,239
I'll take the hit.

256
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:16,850
Which, if you have to do
another hero essay,

257
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,634
might be something
you think about!

258
00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:23,378
What happened to my chair?

259
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:26,424
My inspiring chair?

260
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:28,688
Well, uh, well,
it told me to dream,

261
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:32,517
so... I dozed off.

262
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:35,390
Yeah. Your next chair should say

263
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,827
"Don't leave me
in the driveway."

264
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,438
Mm-hmm. You know
what I think happened?

265
00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:42,571
Hmm?You're still so mad
about that essay

266
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,225
that you took it out
on my chair.

267
00:11:44,268 --> 00:11:47,271
Yeah, you are literally
a dream crusher.

268
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:49,447
That's not true.

269
00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:51,493
Okay, well, what other
explanation is there?

270
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:52,929
Teddy did it.

271
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:57,107
You let Teddy drive?

272
00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:58,195
Wha...

273
00:11:58,239 --> 00:12:00,241
He can't even peel a banana.

274
00:12:00,284 --> 00:12:03,505
He just squeezes it
into his mouth like a Go-Gurt.

275
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:06,508
It was just up and down
the driveway.

276
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,728
How was I supposed to know
he'd be as bad at driving

277
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,730
as he is at picking heroes?

278
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:13,907
And there it is.

279
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:16,779
I'm the dad, he
should have picked me.

280
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:20,217
I mean, yeah, I'm happy for you,
blah, blah, blah, you're great.

281
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:22,567
But fathers and sons?

282
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:23,612
That's deep stuff.

283
00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:25,570
There's hit songs about it.

284
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:28,878
Uh, the-- "Cat's in the Cradle,"
"Danny Boy,"

285
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,314
that music

286
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:34,101
they play when Darth Vader
walks in.

287
00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:36,973
Okay, but, honey, none of this
means you're a bad father.

288
00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:38,540
No, no.

289
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,411
It means I'm not
even worth mentioning.

290
00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:42,892
You know what it's like?

291
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:46,591
If I am not his hero,
what's the point?

292
00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:48,942
It's like I have
no effect on him.

293
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:51,335
Oh, hon-- well, I don't want you
to feel like that.

294
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:53,555
And it's not true.
Uh, the other day,

295
00:12:53,598 --> 00:12:56,950
I saw him drinking milk from
the carton in his underwear.

296
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,647
Yeah.

297
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:01,563
He didn't get that from me.

298
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,654
[speaks gibberish]

299
00:13:05,697 --> 00:13:08,875
All boys pick their dads
as their heroes.

300
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:11,747
I wrote one of those essays
in school, too.

301
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,270
Come on, I'll show you.

302
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,142
Oh, is this going to be

303
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:17,231
the golden box of kid junk?

304
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:20,495
It's called
the Adam Burns Golden Box

305
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:23,498
of Childhood Accomplishments,
and you know it.

306
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:27,894
Is this it?

307
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:30,679
"Top ten ways I'm exactly
like Burt Reynolds."

308
00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,771
"Number one,
awesome mustache."

309
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,338
[laughs]

310
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:41,298
Wait, this is on
a 2002 calendar.

311
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:43,431
W-We were married then.

312
00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:49,959
Here it is.

313
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:51,961
"'My Hero,' by Adam Burns."

314
00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:54,181
Now listen carefully.
You listening?

315
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:55,747
Yeah.

316
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:58,489
"My hero is a man of integrity

317
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:01,710
"who always takes the time
to make me feel special.

318
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:04,234
His name
is Ronald McDonald--" what?

319
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,805
Your dad is Ronald McDonald?

320
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,070
Why aren't we rich?

321
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:18,205
I can't believe
I didn't pick my dad.

322
00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:21,295
No wonder he doesn't
take me fishing.

323
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,299
All these years,
his feelings have been hurt.

324
00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:27,605
Come on. You really think
he's so thin-skinned

325
00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:29,869
that he would care
about a school...

326
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,523
No, that's-- people do
that, that's a thing.

327
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:38,660
Hey, Dad, uh,
I'm glad you're here.

328
00:14:38,703 --> 00:14:41,445
I-I have something
to say to you and it's, uh,

329
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:43,926
kind of,
it's kind of delicate.

330
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,059
If you've come to take your
mother and me to a home,

331
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:48,061
then I hope you
brought backup.

332
00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:52,065
No, no, I just wanted
to apologize for something.

333
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:55,895
When I was a kid, I wrote an
essay at school about my hero,

334
00:14:55,938 --> 00:15:00,682
and I didn't pick you,
and I am really, really sorry.

335
00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:04,642
Son, I've been waiting to
hear you say those words

336
00:15:04,686 --> 00:15:06,731
for 40 years.

337
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,211
Really?

338
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:10,213
No, I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.

339
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:12,607
Yes, you do.

340
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:14,087
In sixth grade,
I picked Ronald McDonald

341
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,827
as my hero instead of you.

342
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:18,613
So what? I don't care
about being your hero.

343
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,744
You don't?
No.

344
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:20,963
Because I'm not Teddy's,

345
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:22,704
and it's driving me crazy.

346
00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:25,576
It's like I'm not even there,
I have no effect on him.

347
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,752
Oh, so you want to
talk about feelings.

348
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:29,580
Uh, well, your
mother's at the mall.

349
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:30,755
Maybe I can get her
on speakerphone.

350
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,801
You know what,
I-I'll handle it.

351
00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:34,672
All right, all right, hold
your horses, little lady.

352
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:35,891
Come back over here.

353
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:41,766
Look.
[sighs]

354
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:43,768
Don't take this Teddy
thing personally.

355
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:48,251
Kids are... what's a
nice word for it? Dumb.

356
00:15:48,295 --> 00:15:50,993
They only look up to people
who tell them they're great

357
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:53,648
when they're not, and
dads don't do that.

358
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:55,650
Well, no, it doesn't
teach 'em anything.

359
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:57,739
If we were supposed
to just hug 'em all the time,

360
00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:00,655
they wouldn't make
our faces so scratchy.
Mm.

361
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,919
My job as a father was to
make sure that when you went

362
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,704
out in the world, you
wouldn't be a jackass.

363
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,489
I'm the guy that told you
you weren't funny.

364
00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:11,535
And that's why today
you are a little funny.

365
00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:13,711
You think I'm funny?

366
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:15,757
A little, I said.

367
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,802
And you do the
same with Teddy.

368
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,848
Yeah. I tell him
what he's doing wrong,

369
00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:21,937
so when he grows up,
he'll do something right.

370
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,767
Yeah. As I see it, I did a
better job at being a dad

371
00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:29,684
than my pop did, and you're
doing a better job than I did.

372
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:32,904
I'll take that.
Hmm.

373
00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:36,604
Wait, so if you're not mad
about the essay,

374
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:38,736
wh-why do you take
Don fishing and not me?

375
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:42,001
He's tall. He makes
a lot of shade.

376
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,525
He's like sitting under a
tree that gets you beers.

377
00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:48,920
Also, he needs more
coddling than you.

378
00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:51,140
Ha. He does. Baby.

379
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:52,968
He's such a baby.

380
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:57,407
But if you want, we can talk
about how much I love you, son.

381
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,974
Really?

382
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,715
I oobie doobie
love you so much.

383
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,934
Come and sit
on Daddy's lap.

384
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:06,068
Well, it was nice there
for a second.

385
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,505
A father's work
is never done.

386
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:18,211
Come on, we got
a surprise for you.

387
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:21,953
Teddy, show her
what's behind door number one.

388
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:23,520
What door?

389
00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:26,697
Take off the sheet
on your right.

390
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:28,221
Your other right.

391
00:17:29,787 --> 00:17:31,267
[gasps]

392
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:34,488
Oh, my God, you fixed it.

393
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:35,880
Oh, I love it.

394
00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:36,925
Yeah, well, wait, wait,
wait, there's more.

395
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,100
Teddy, show her.

396
00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:43,497
Huh? We made a set.

397
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:46,978
"Just dream... of beer."

398
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:48,763
Now it says something.Aw.

399
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,765
His and hers.Yeah.

400
00:17:50,808 --> 00:17:52,419
Thanks, guys.Yeah. Hey, uh, Teddy,

401
00:17:52,462 --> 00:17:54,247
will you go get a dust rag
out of the garage?

402
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,861
Look, I just wanted to do this
to say I'm sorry for being

403
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:03,343
a little high maintenance
about the hero thing.

404
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,171
A little?

405
00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:09,044
It was like living
with Mariah Carey.

406
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,875
Hey, if moms get to be
their sons' heroes,

407
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:17,922
then dads deserve the right
to be oversensitive.

408
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:20,795
You guys have had that
for centuries, it's our turn.

409
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:27,149
All right, then we get to be
the next 45 presidents.

410
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:31,458
Fair enough.

411
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:38,291
Hey, uh,
I meant to tell you...

412
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,338
I am really proud of you
for writing that great essay

413
00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:43,861
about your mother.

414
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:46,995
Thanks. My plan
went perfectly.

415
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:49,867
What plan?

416
00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:53,349
Well, my teacher is a mom,
so when I had to pick a hero,

417
00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:55,003
I picked my mom.

418
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:57,179
Like you always say,
you get what you want...

419
00:18:57,223 --> 00:19:01,444
BOTH:
By knowing
what other people want.

420
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,447
Good job, buddy.

421
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,449
[chuckles]
Yeah, well...

422
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:09,322
[sighs]

423
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:12,977
I guess we know
who your real hero is, huh?

424
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:13,978
Oh, yeah.[laughs]

425
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:15,980
LeBron James.

426
00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:22,770
Great choice.

427
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:25,120
I need to be alone
for a minute.

428
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:34,216
"Strength. Integrity.
Coins behind my ear.

429
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:37,654
That's my dad, Joe Burns,
and that's why he's my hero."

430
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:44,835
That's beautiful.
Never gets old, son.

431
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,359
Hey, Adam, why don't you read
Dad your essay

432
00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:47,882
about him being your hero?

433
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:49,666
You know I didn't
write about Dad.

434
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:52,234
Oh, that's right,
who'd you pick?

435
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:55,411
The Hamburglar?
O-Or was it Mayor McCheese?

436
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:59,241
Dad only takes you fishing
for the shade.

437
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:00,982
You're a beer tree.

438
00:20:01,025 --> 00:20:02,113
What?

439
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:03,680
Why are you
causing trouble?

440
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:05,291
A brother's work
is never done.

441
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,423
Captioning sponsored by
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442
00:20:11,166 --> 00:20:13,168
Captioned by
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