1
00:00:02,828 --> 00:00:04,830
So, then I said
to the eye doctor,

2
00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:06,789
"I can't see it.
I can't see it.

3
00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:08,965
I cansee it.
It's gone again."

4
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,185
And he said I
was very special,

5
00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:14,144
and I might be eligible
for a service dog.

6
00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:17,321
Great story, Ma.

7
00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:20,672
And that clocked in
at just under 12 minutes.JOE: Yeah.

8
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,413
And she's told it
to everybody--

9
00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:23,936
the grocer,
the pharmacist,

10
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:26,809
some poor bastard who was
holding the door for her.Shh.

11
00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:29,246
Hey, there's
my thoughtful husband.

12
00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:30,900
All right, what is it?

13
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,424
Last time
she called me thoughtful,

14
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:35,687
I had to clean a pound of hair
out of the drain.

15
00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:38,908
That kid Julian is coming over
for a playdate with Emme,

16
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,997
but I have to take Kate
to the doctor,

17
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,216
so you have to watch them.

18
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:43,826
Honey, I thought we agreed
no more Julian.

19
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:45,349
That kid's the worst.

20
00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,090
Well, maybe while he's here,

21
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,831
he'll see
how nice people behave,

22
00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:50,702
and it'll rub off on him.

23
00:00:50,746 --> 00:00:51,834
Yeah, only a mom
would say that.

24
00:00:51,877 --> 00:00:54,663
It's sweet
and packed full of lies.

25
00:00:54,706 --> 00:00:56,882
Dads know better.

26
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:59,494
Joe, there's no difference
between moms and dads.

27
00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:01,061
[scoffs]

28
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:04,629
Did you just roll your eyes?

29
00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:05,848
No, no, I was making sure

30
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:07,371
all the light
bulbs are working.

31
00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:12,072
Okay, I know it's not popular
to say these days,

32
00:01:12,115 --> 00:01:15,205
but there are some things
dads are better at.

33
00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:17,164
The fact that we're so annoying

34
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:20,384
and you keep marrying us
proves my point.

35
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:23,605
We keep marrying you
because we're optimists

36
00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:26,390
and they make the lids
on pickle jars too tight.

37
00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:30,438
Well, he-he's not saying
dads are better than moms.

38
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:32,092
You're not saying
that, are you?

39
00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:34,398
I said dads are better
at some things.

40
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,619
Okay, moms are better
at some things, too.

41
00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:39,490
Okay. Like what?

42
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,188
Don't say cooking
and cleaning, boy.

43
00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:46,367
Okay, uh, if we're the same,

44
00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:49,892
would you like to take care of
that dead squirrel on the roof?

45
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:53,025
I would totally do it, but I
saw an owl fly away with it.

46
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:56,159
And I know it was a mom owl
because she handled it

47
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:58,118
like a boss
and then didn't spend

48
00:01:58,161 --> 00:02:00,076
the next two hours
bragging about it. Ha!

49
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,033
[laughs]

50
00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:04,472
Am I right?Hey, hey.

51
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:08,128
Oh, high five. Fun.

52
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:10,913
Sorry I'm late.

53
00:02:10,956 --> 00:02:13,742
I found a YouTube channel
of cats punching dogs.

54
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,004
ANDI:
Ooh.

55
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:17,180
Is it better
than chickens wearing pants?

56
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,400
I don't want to get political.

57
00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:22,838
Now that Don is here,
I think we should talk

58
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,187
about your knee surgery.Oh.

59
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,146
It's in a couple of weeks,

60
00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:28,757
and the doctor said he should
hire a home health care nurse

61
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,107
for during the rehab,
but he won't agree.

62
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,328
I don't want some stranger in
my house going through my stuff.

63
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,808
What stuff?
You mean that jug of nickels?

64
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:39,115
Hey, when the world
goes to hell,

65
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,031
the guy with the jug of nickels
is gonna be living like a king.

66
00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:47,297
I got a can of dimes.
Smaller and twice the value.

67
00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:48,777
You're a good boy, Donny.

68
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:51,867
So, about this nurse...I'm not listening

69
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,521
to any more
of this nurse stuff.

70
00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:55,044
I'll be with the TV.

71
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,351
When I push mute,
it stops talking.

72
00:02:57,394 --> 00:03:01,920
Did he really leave,
or can I just not see him?

73
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:05,272
He's going through the couch,
looking for nickels.

74
00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:08,536
Hey, Joe, I get half
of whatever you find.

75
00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:10,538
Boys,

76
00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:12,148
your dad's gonna need help,

77
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,455
and I can't get him
to listen to reason.

78
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,152
He was much easier to control

79
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,459
when he was getting
that medical marijuana.

80
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:21,679
Well, his dealer was 85.

81
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:23,246
It was time to retire.

82
00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:27,250
Someone needs to talk him into
getting a nurse,

83
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:29,774
and there's one person
at this table he'll listen to.

84
00:03:29,818 --> 00:03:31,254
[groans]:
Oh, Ma.

85
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:32,647
That's why I need help

86
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,127
from his favorite son... Don.

87
00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:37,956
What?

88
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,525
[chuckles]: Dodged
that bullet.

89
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:44,180
I heard it whistle past my ear,
and then it hit you.

90
00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:47,270
[imitating Joe]:
'Cause you're a good boy, Donny.

91
00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:56,497
Hey, that weird kid's
looking at you.

92
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,542
Hello, Julian.

93
00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,109
Listen, buddy.

94
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,068
Tell your kids
to give me the swing.

95
00:04:03,112 --> 00:04:06,202
Well, buddy,
you just had your turn,

96
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,073
and it's Emme's turn now.

97
00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:10,250
I don't care.
I want to swing now.

98
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,164
Hey, we have something
in common.

99
00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:14,645
I don't care, either.

100
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:15,646
You're a butthead.

101
00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:18,258
You'rea butthead.

102
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:20,216
Two against one.

103
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,435
I guess you're a butthead.

104
00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:25,352
I really
don't like that kid.

105
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,615
He does have some
good comebacks.[chuckles]

106
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,138
So, listen,

107
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,619
how am I supposed to get Dad
to agree to a home nurse?

108
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:35,057
Good luck. He never changes
his mind about anything.

109
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,885
He still drops his film
at the Foto Hut

110
00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:38,452
even though it's
a frozen yogurt place now.[sighs]

111
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:44,022
Hey, what are you
doing here?

112
00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:45,110
It's still your turn.

113
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:46,851
Julian pushed me off the swing.

114
00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:50,290
What? Teddy, did you see this?

115
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,292
Yeah, he pushed her right off.

116
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:54,424
And you didn't do anything?

117
00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:56,296
I'm a lover, not a fighter.

118
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,952
Okay, Julian can't think

119
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:04,216
pushing your little sister
is okay.

120
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:06,958
Good thing there's a dad here.

121
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,612
Teddy...

122
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,355
...put him on the ground.

123
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:14,270
I don't think Mom...

124
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,967
Mom is not here.

125
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:18,535
Put him on the ground.

126
00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:20,058
Okay.

127
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:36,205
JULIAN:
Hey, you pushed me!

128
00:05:36,248 --> 00:05:37,206
He did it.

129
00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:40,252
My son defended his sister.

130
00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:43,299
[sniffles] Turn away, Don.
You might see me cry.

131
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,433
♪

132
00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:58,706
So, Butterbean,
Daddy was totally right

133
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:01,099
to tell Teddy
to put Julian on the ground.

134
00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:05,669
But that's not the kind of thing
that Mommy'd understand.

135
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:08,019
Okay, so, let's play
a little game

136
00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:11,588
and see who can keep this secret
the longest. [chuckles]

137
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:15,766
I bet I can keep it until I die.

138
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,812
This is gonna be fun.

139
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:20,554
Yeah. Okay, now, where's Teddy?
I have to tell him, too.

140
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,817
He's outside playing basketball.Okay.

141
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,122
And then I put Julian
on the ground,

142
00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:25,733
just like Dad told me to.
Right, Dad?

143
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:32,435
Kids, go upstairs. I need
to talk to your father.

144
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:35,046
Okay, when are we gonna be old
enough to stay for one of these?

145
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:39,181
I'm gonna be married someday,
and I need to know how to do it.

146
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,878
I'm going.

147
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,014
You told Teddy to push Julian?

148
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:47,581
Yes, I did.

149
00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:48,843
But we don't push people.

150
00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:50,932
No, youdon't,
'cause you're a mom.

151
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:54,805
Come on, join the dads.

152
00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:57,808
It's fun over here.
We push people.

153
00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:02,726
There is no difference
between moms and dads.Look, will you just

154
00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:03,640
trust me on this?

155
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:06,513
I handled it. It's dad time now.

156
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:10,473
Okay, but this is gonna
blow up in your face.Hmm. Wha...?

157
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,823
And when it does,
I'm gonna say "I told you so,"

158
00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:16,914
'cause that's something
moms are good at.

159
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,655
I think I did society a favor.

160
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:21,049
There's too many people
walking around out there

161
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:22,746
who don't know they're boneheads

162
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:26,489
because they didn't get put
on the ground as kids.

163
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:28,273
Did you get put on the ground
as a kid?

164
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:30,580
Of course I did.

165
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,626
And yet you're still a bonehead.

166
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:35,585
My point stands.

167
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:37,369
But that was a good one.

168
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,545
That was a good one, yeah.

169
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:39,981
[chuckles]: Yeah,
that was a good one.

170
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:41,939
DON:
So, I have to warn you.

171
00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:44,333
My dad's not real keen
on getting a nurse.

172
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,161
Maybe you should
take off those scrubs

173
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:47,989
so Joe isn't put off
when he walks in.

174
00:07:48,032 --> 00:07:51,122
Oh, I think he might be more
put off by a topless male nurse.

175
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:53,429
Your résumé looks good.

176
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,910
Ten years experience,
rave recommendations.

177
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:58,216
At the top it says Funchy.
What's that?

178
00:07:58,260 --> 00:07:59,783
Oh, that's me.

179
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:02,046
I've got "fun" right in my name.

180
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:04,005
And "chi."

181
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:06,703
Oh, here comes Joe.

182
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:07,791
Let us do the talking.
We had to trick him

183
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:08,879
to get him to come down here.

184
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,838
Hey.

185
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:13,710
Is this the guy selling the
secret recipe for Coca-Cola?

186
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:17,192
Uh, we actually brought you here
to meet Funchy,

187
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:20,325
a home health care nurse
for after your knee surgery.

188
00:08:20,369 --> 00:08:21,544
All right, listen up.

189
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:22,763
I'm gonna talk to you

190
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:24,591
the same way you talk
to everybody else.

191
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,680
This is the guy.
He's your nurse,

192
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:27,855
so no bellyaching.

193
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,509
Okay, you win.

194
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:30,901
Okay.I'll just grab a drink,

195
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,947
and then we can
start the interview.

196
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:40,694
Then he just walks out the door.
It was the perfect trick.

197
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,304
It doesn't sound
like much of a trick.

198
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,741
He just lied and left.

199
00:08:44,785 --> 00:08:46,961
Well, the simplicity is
what made it perfect.

200
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,528
It's like ice. It's
just frozen water,

201
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,312
but it changed the world.

202
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:51,574
KATE:
Dad,

203
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,271
Teddy was using
my mascara brush

204
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,709
to make it look
like he had chest hair.

205
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:58,102
I just wanted to see what
it's gonna look like on me.

206
00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,713
It's gonna look so good,

207
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,976
you won't mind
that's it's also on your back.

208
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:04,979
Oh, hey.

209
00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:06,807
Your Uncle Don told me
you pushed a kid down.

210
00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:09,984
All right, I don't need
any more lectures.MARCY: No, no.

211
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,812
I'm proud.
He always seemed a little soft.

212
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,379
Next time, go
for the windpipe.

213
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:16,468
You can't fight if
you can't breathe.

214
00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:20,124
Wait, so you agree with me?

215
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,779
Because Andi came out
pretty strong against it.

216
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:25,608
She's soft,
just like Teddy used to be.

217
00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:28,872
Oh, there's my boy.

218
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:30,178
I heard about what happened,

219
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:32,920
and I wanted to give you
my old boxing gloves.

220
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:35,009
If you need it to be over quick,
there's a hole inside

221
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,619
where you can slip in
a couple of batteries.

222
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:38,752
Kapowie! Hmm?

223
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:41,581
All right, all right,
take it easy, champ.

224
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,017
Thanks, Grandpa.

225
00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:43,974
Hey, Kate, you want
to go upstairs

226
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:45,019
and see if I can
take a punch?

227
00:09:45,062 --> 00:09:47,064
Yeah, all right.

228
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,199
Hey, guys.

229
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:52,592
[Joe groans]What's the occasion?

230
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:56,030
Well, the occasion
is everybody agrees with me

231
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:58,206
about Teddy putting that kid
on the ground.

232
00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:00,991
Yeah. You said it was
gonna blow up in my face,

233
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,863
but the only thing on my face

234
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:06,388
is a big smile
from being right.

235
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:10,000
Am I really the only voice
of reason around here?

236
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:12,002
I hate to say it, but
this all comes back

237
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:15,876
to dads are just better
at some stuff than moms.

238
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,181
It doesn't even make sense.

239
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:19,401
Marcy agrees with you,
and she's a mom.

240
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,011
Sorry. It's
not the gender.

241
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:22,447
It's how your
relationship works.

242
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,885
And in our relationship,
he's the mom.

243
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:27,104
You tell 'em,
Big Daddy.

244
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,107
ADAM:
Did you get Dad

245
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:31,718
to agree to that nurse yet?

246
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,241
Or did he pull
another Mission: Impossible

247
00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:35,286
and just walk out
right in front of you?

248
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:38,072
Don't worry about me. I still
got a few tricks up my sleeve.

249
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,856
Yeah? If you don't
get dad a nurse,

250
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,076
the only thing up your sleeve
is gonna be sudsy water

251
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,425
when you're giving Dad
a sponge bath.

252
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:45,862
Maybe I'll hold on to
these nurse résumés.

253
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,212
Now that I'm single,
I don't have anyone

254
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:50,214
to take care of me
if something happens.

255
00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:51,955
Plus, the company would be nice.

256
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,088
I wish they had a thing
for single guys

257
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:55,306
where you could pay someone

258
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:57,178
to hang out with you
on lonely nights.

259
00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,268
They have that.

260
00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:03,575
Yeah, they'll even dress up
like a nurse if you want.

261
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:05,969
Hi.

262
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,536
Hi, honey.

263
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,103
I'm surprised you came
into work today.

264
00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:11,583
Considering how right
I was about Teddy,

265
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,890
I thought
you might call in wrong.[Andi laughs]

266
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,631
Well, you'd be wrong.

267
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,546
Yeah, 'cause I just had
an interesting conversation

268
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,069
with Teddy's school.

269
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:21,550
He spent the morning
pushing kids at recess.

270
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:24,205
What?!Sweet little Teddy
took it to the streets?

271
00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:26,860
As a mom, I don't condone that.

272
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,601
I didn't tell him
to push other kids.

273
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,865
Do you remember
what I told you?

274
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,997
That this was gonna
blow up in your face?

275
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,172
[scoffs] Let's not
live in the past.

276
00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:37,044
Let's be about the future.

277
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:40,090
Well, the future is gonna be me
telling you, "I told you so."

278
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:43,093
I told you so.
Welcome to the future.

279
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:51,580
Principal Collins,
we are so sorry.

280
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,843
I mean, I-I'm sorry
because he's my kid, and,

281
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:56,237
well, he's sorry
'cause it's all his fault.

282
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,761
Told you so.

283
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:00,763
Look, Teddy is a good kid.

284
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,591
He just got
a little carried away.

285
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:05,159
I don't think we
have to overreact.

286
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:07,161
Well, due to our zero tolerance
policy on fighting,

287
00:12:07,204 --> 00:12:09,598
I'm placing him in detention
for the rest of the week.

288
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:12,253
I was just protecting
little kids from bullies.

289
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,168
Well, that changes everything.

290
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:18,694
We are all against
bullying here, I... I hope.

291
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,827
You're not
pro-bully, are you?

292
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,567
Of course not.

293
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:24,700
I thought I was just
acting like Batman.

294
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,789
There you go. Huh?

295
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,966
You wouldn't put Batman
in detention, would you?

296
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,273
Another option might be to
give him a little Batsuit

297
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:35,972
and let him do
his thing. [laughs]

298
00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:38,714
People think I'm
funny at work.

299
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,064
Okay, that's it.
You are off the job.

300
00:12:41,108 --> 00:12:42,979
It is Mom time now.

301
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:45,155
[laughs]
Mom time. That's funny.

302
00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:46,766
Oh.

303
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:49,681
This is not my crowd.

304
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:52,728
You are in
big trouble, mister.

305
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,904
You can't go around
pushing people.

306
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:57,559
All right? You use your words,
or you get an adult.

307
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,475
What if that adult is Dad,
and he tells me to shove them?

308
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:04,261
Don't take me down with you.

309
00:13:05,306 --> 00:13:07,438
We sleep in the same room.

310
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:10,833
It is never okay, ever.

311
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,835
What if someone's
picking on Emme,

312
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:15,882
and my words don't work,
and there's no adults around?

313
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:17,927
Well...

314
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,844
Well...

315
00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:26,588
Well, y...

316
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:30,200
[squealing]

317
00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,028
You stumped her, pal.

318
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:35,945
What a week for you.

319
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,774
I'm not stumped, okay?

320
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,864
I'm just taking a moment
to figure out

321
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:46,303
how to explain
that obviously... [scoffs]

322
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,916
...the answer is...

323
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,874
something I'm gonna tell
your dad in the other room.

324
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,356
[sighs]

325
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:56,879
Dad?
Hmm?

326
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,141
Am I still in trouble?

327
00:13:58,185 --> 00:14:00,100
I think things are looking up
for both of us.

328
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:04,669
Yes, darling?

329
00:14:04,713 --> 00:14:06,671
Look, I-I don't know
what to say to him.

330
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,891
I mean, I don't want anybody
pushing my daughter,

331
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:11,415
but as a mom, I can't tell him
to push another kid.

332
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:14,070
Hmm. So you want me
to talk to him?
Yeah.

333
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:16,072
Because you're the mom.Yeah.

334
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:17,813
And I'm the...

335
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,597
What am I again?

336
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:22,774
Rhymes with "glad."

337
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,559
Bonehead?

338
00:14:24,602 --> 00:14:27,040
Going down swinging.
I respect that.

339
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,129
Okay. Fine,
you're the dad,

340
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:31,218
and there's differences
between moms and dads.

341
00:14:31,261 --> 00:14:32,784
Now I really need you
to handle this!

342
00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:36,963
It feels so good
to be right.
[sighs]

343
00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:40,183
This must be what it
feels like to be you.

344
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,926
All right.

345
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,973
Teddy,

346
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:49,192
step into the elevator
and let's take a ride up

347
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,977
to the men's department.

348
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:51,978
Okay?

349
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,588
Here's the deal.

350
00:14:53,631 --> 00:14:54,981
You can't police the world.

351
00:14:55,024 --> 00:14:58,985
Using your words is your first
and best option.

352
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:04,077
But sometimes...
if your words don't work,

353
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,167
you do what you have to do
to protect your family.

354
00:15:07,210 --> 00:15:10,561
That is the code
that we live by, hmm?

355
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,781
You're making it sound
like the mob.

356
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:16,045
Yes! Thank you, Andi.

357
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:18,656
Thank you.
We are like the mob.

358
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,617
Okay? And like the mob,

359
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:24,749
if you do the crime,

360
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,708
you do the time.

361
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:29,624
So, it's detention at school,

362
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:33,933
and I want you to apologize to
those kids from the playground.

363
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,283
Okay.Okay.

364
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:39,025
So does our mob include
my girlfriend?

365
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,899
You have a girlfriend?

366
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:47,816
Your first girlfriend?

367
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:49,426
Since when?

368
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,560
Since today.
Chicks dig Batman.

369
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:05,486
Head upstairs and draw on
some chest hair, son.

370
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,531
You've earned it.

371
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,014
[imitating Joe]:
You're a good boy, Teddy!

372
00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:17,933
That was pretty
good with Teddy.
Mm.

373
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,891
Hey, you did your part, too.

374
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,328
Nah, you're just
saying that.

375
00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:23,112
No, I'm serious.

376
00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:25,723
Moms appeal
to kids' better nature,

377
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:28,030
and dads teach them
how to defend themselves

378
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:31,642
when other people
don't have good moms.

379
00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:33,035
I like that.

380
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:34,906
Yeah, I can get deep.

381
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,823
It's the beer.
Beer makes me deep.

382
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,044
[chuckles]

383
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,177
Hey, man.
Hey.

384
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:46,875
I tried everything, but I can't
get Dad to agree to a nurse.

385
00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:50,139
I'm jeopardizing his health,
disappointing Mom.

386
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:52,881
I feel terrible.
[exhales]

387
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:56,493
Oh, Don, I hate
seeing you like this.

388
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:59,757
Okay, I'll talk to Dad.

389
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:02,891
Ha! No take-backs!Wha...?

390
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:04,849
What? You tricked me!

391
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:07,200
That's right.
It's all on you now. Whoo!

392
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:10,246
[sighs]

393
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:13,075
[groans] I don't want
to deal with this.

394
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,773
Well, you don't
have to do it.

395
00:17:15,817 --> 00:17:17,906
He said no take-backs.

396
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:22,215
He got me fair
and square, Andi.

397
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,827
ADAM:
Dad,

398
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:27,655
we need to have
a serious conversation

399
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,787
about you hiring Funchy.

400
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:31,920
Can we hurry this up?
I left an old lady

401
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,443
in a wheelchair
by the duck pond,

402
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,271
and she is notgonna
sleep forever.

403
00:17:36,316 --> 00:17:38,057
I hope.

404
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,667
Why are you doing this?

405
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,843
I thought Don was
handling the nurse stuff.

406
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,279
Don handed it off to me.

407
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:44,585
Which I knew he would.

408
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:48,110
Oh, this is working out
just like I planned.

409
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:50,243
Oh, so all that stuff

410
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:53,072
about him being the favorite
was to trick him.

411
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,638
No, no, that part's true.

412
00:17:54,682 --> 00:17:58,251
I just didn't want to hurt his
feelings by asking you first.

413
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:01,123
Well, I'm glad we're not
hurting people's feelings.

414
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,473
Hey, look, Dad,
we all know

415
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,258
that this knee surgery
is gonna be tough,

416
00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:06,998
and you're gonna need some help.

417
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,826
Okay, okay, you're always
looking out for me.

418
00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:10,785
I'm just gonna grab a drink
from the kitchen,

419
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,178
and then
we can get started.Mm-hmm.

420
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:15,572
Uh, uh...
mm, uh...

421
00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:17,183
Damn, I guess
that only works on Donny.

422
00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,315
Listen,

423
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,013
you need a nurse,
but nobody can argue with you,

424
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:24,190
so I'm gonna have to appeal
to your better nature.

425
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,193
That's why I'm calling
in my teammate, Andi.

426
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,282
I knew you would
ask her to do it.

427
00:18:29,325 --> 00:18:32,850
Ah. I pull all the strings
in this family.

428
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:34,374
JOE:
Nothing she says

429
00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:35,940
is gonna change my mind.

430
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,638
I'm not getting
a damn nurse!

431
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:41,207
Okay, let's just see how
you do in the hands of a mom.

432
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:44,340
Joe.

433
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:50,172
I love you, and I just... just
want you to make me proud.

434
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,348
What are you,
my Little League coach?

435
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:56,091
I believe you have it
in you to try this,

436
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,399
because, well, you're
the bravest man I know.

437
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:02,793
That's powerful
because it's true.Yeah.

438
00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:05,883
And you know the real
reason to get a nurse

439
00:19:05,927 --> 00:19:07,668
is to lighten the
load for Bev,

440
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,236
and I know you'd do
anything for your wife.

441
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,413
Fine, I'll have a nurse.

442
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:17,547
No take-backs.
Ha! We got him.

443
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,201
But I won't be nice to him.

444
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:22,465
Oh, yay!
I'm so glad I got this job.

445
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:25,294
Let me tell you,
this isn't gonna be easy.

446
00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:28,993
He's been real touchy since
his pot guy retired to Orlando.

447
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,909
It was medical marijuana.
I only used it for my glaucoma

448
00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:33,998
and your mother's
boring stories.

449
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:38,873
I, too, am a big
believer in Vitamin Weed.

450
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:40,962
You should know,
if I'm your nurse,

451
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:43,399
I won't be able
to pass a drug test.

452
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:46,228
The good news is,

453
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,187
neither will you.

454
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,450
I like him.

455
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:53,757
But no taking my
temperature the baby way.

456
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:03,376
[both grunting]

457
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:04,768
I don't know
what these buttons do,

458
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,596
but I just knocked
your ass out. [grunts]

459
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:09,556
Hey, Funchy.

460
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,558
What are you doing here?

461
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:12,950
He hasn't had
his surgery yet.

462
00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:14,691
I brought over a
little pre-op medicine,

463
00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:17,564
if you know what I mean.

464
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:20,306
I could smell what you mean
from the sidewalk.

465
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:22,177
Why'd you call me?

466
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,700
There's a hairball
in my shower drain.

467
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:25,398
I hear you're good
at fixing that.

468
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:27,617
Oh, no problem.

469
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:30,229
Let me just get
a drink first.Yeah.

470
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,582
It's the perfect trick.

471
00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:43,024
Captioning sponsored by
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472
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:46,070
Captioned by
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