1
00:00:04,019 --> 00:00:07,005
[keypad beeping]
2
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,021
[door buzzes]
3
00:00:20,006 --> 00:00:22,010
[door creaks]
4
00:00:22,012 --> 00:00:24,001
- What--what is this?
5
00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:27,011
- It's a present.
I made it for you.
6
00:00:30,021 --> 00:00:32,005
- Oh.
7
00:00:34,017 --> 00:00:36,005
- I know it doesn't
look like much,
8
00:00:36,007 --> 00:00:38,017
but I wanted to surprise you.
9
00:00:38,019 --> 00:00:40,017
- A surprise for what?
10
00:00:40,019 --> 00:00:45,008
- Well, do you mind telling me
what day it is, Chip?
11
00:00:45,010 --> 00:00:47,023
- It's the 10th day
of December.
12
00:00:48,001 --> 00:00:51,020
- Oh, shoot.
We missed it.
13
00:00:51,022 --> 00:00:55,005
- We missed what?
- Nothing. Forget it.
14
00:00:55,007 --> 00:00:57,001
- No, no, wait.
Dory, please, please tell me.
15
00:00:57,003 --> 00:00:58,014
What did we miss?
Please?
16
00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:01,014
- It's silly.
It's just...
17
00:01:01,016 --> 00:01:03,014
our three month
friend-iversary.
18
00:01:03,016 --> 00:01:05,012
I thought it would be nice
to celebrate the day
19
00:01:05,014 --> 00:01:08,009
that I arrived here by doing
something special like--
20
00:01:08,011 --> 00:01:10,020
like a dinner together
or something.
21
00:01:10,022 --> 00:01:13,021
But...we missed it, so...
22
00:01:13,023 --> 00:01:17,016
It's okay, we can just
celebrate it next year.
23
00:01:17,018 --> 00:01:19,010
- [sighs]
24
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:22,002
Fuck!
Idiot!
25
00:01:23,009 --> 00:01:25,004
- Oh, well.
26
00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,012
- We can just do it now.
27
00:01:26,014 --> 00:01:27,023
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
28
00:01:28,001 --> 00:01:29,004
- Okay--
- Wait, don't eat this.
29
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,011
I'm gonna make
something special.
30
00:01:30,013 --> 00:01:32,004
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
31
00:01:32,006 --> 00:01:33,019
Dory, I'm so happy
32
00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:36,003
that you're finally
acknowledging we're friends.
33
00:01:36,005 --> 00:01:37,011
- Me too.
34
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:39,007
- Ugh!
- [giggles]
35
00:01:39,009 --> 00:01:41,008
- I'm so lucky.
36
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:45,011
[Purity Ring's "Obedear"]
37
00:01:45,013 --> 00:01:50,008
- ♪ Oh, but dear,
the sky is low, watch ♪
38
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:54,009
♪ Fluent sea men
rig their rudders so ♪
39
00:01:54,011 --> 00:01:55,023
both: Amen.
40
00:01:57,001 --> 00:01:59,000
- What did you pray for
today, Charlie?
41
00:01:59,002 --> 00:02:03,000
- I prayed for my makeup
artist, Missy Winebasket.
42
00:02:03,002 --> 00:02:05,014
I overheard Missy on the phone
with her mommy
43
00:02:05,016 --> 00:02:09,000
that she was at the Midtown
Women's March this weekend.
44
00:02:10,002 --> 00:02:11,012
I pray for you, Missy,
45
00:02:11,014 --> 00:02:13,006
and I pray for
all the women out there
46
00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:15,022
who claim to be "feminists"
when they're really just
47
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,005
man-hating, handout-hungry
witches
48
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:20,011
who come together to wear
hideous pink hats
49
00:02:20,013 --> 00:02:23,020
and to cast spells on women
like me with differing beliefs
50
00:02:23,022 --> 00:02:25,005
all in the name of a movement
51
00:02:25,007 --> 00:02:27,006
that's been irrelevant
since 1920.
52
00:02:27,008 --> 00:02:29,006
What did you pray for?
- Thank you, Charlie.
53
00:02:29,008 --> 00:02:30,015
That was beautiful,
first of all.
54
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,020
- Mm-hmm.
55
00:02:31,022 --> 00:02:34,013
- Today, I pray
for a gay restaurant
56
00:02:34,015 --> 00:02:37,004
that I was booed
out of this morning.
57
00:02:37,006 --> 00:02:38,022
Yeah.
[scoffs]
58
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,000
Okay, I just wanna say and
get this on the record finally.
59
00:02:41,002 --> 00:02:43,001
I hate gay people.
60
00:02:43,003 --> 00:02:44,009
And I'm allowed to hate myself.
61
00:02:44,011 --> 00:02:46,001
It's actually
in the Constitution.
62
00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:48,009
Do I think gay people
should exist? No.
63
00:02:48,011 --> 00:02:51,021
Do I think I should exist?
Absolutely not, okay?
64
00:02:51,023 --> 00:02:54,013
And I do not have a problem
in being a vocal advocate
65
00:02:54,015 --> 00:02:57,007
in violently dismantling
gay rights, okay?
66
00:02:57,009 --> 00:02:59,006
No more workplace protections.
67
00:02:59,008 --> 00:03:01,009
No more, people.
No more marriage.
68
00:03:01,011 --> 00:03:04,011
I can't believe that
I almost got gay married.
69
00:03:04,013 --> 00:03:06,014
Yeah, me.
True life, okay?
70
00:03:06,016 --> 00:03:08,015
You know what happens
when you get gay married?
71
00:03:08,017 --> 00:03:10,005
People die.
72
00:03:10,007 --> 00:03:13,001
A caterer was hit by a car
at my wedding.
73
00:03:13,003 --> 00:03:15,004
A car that a lesbian
was driving.
74
00:03:15,006 --> 00:03:16,019
So...psh.
So yeah.
75
00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:19,013
My prayer today is that
there is a gay gene
76
00:03:19,015 --> 00:03:21,015
and that scientists
can find it,
77
00:03:21,017 --> 00:03:23,014
isolate it, and kill it.
78
00:03:23,016 --> 00:03:25,008
Thank you.
79
00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:27,005
- Great prayer.
80
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:32,016
- This china was a gift
to my Aunt Lylah from JFK.
81
00:03:32,018 --> 00:03:35,016
[classical music playing]
82
00:03:35,018 --> 00:03:37,010
- No silverware?
83
00:03:37,012 --> 00:03:40,009
- No, no silverware,
just the beautiful china.
84
00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:42,018
Forgive me for not being
able to trust you
85
00:03:42,020 --> 00:03:47,007
around sharp objects,
but you made your bed.
86
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:50,019
♪ ♪
87
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:53,004
- [sighs]
88
00:03:53,006 --> 00:03:56,010
- Hey, you're sulking.
- Oh.
89
00:03:56,012 --> 00:03:58,003
- Isn't this what you wanted?
- I'm sorry.
90
00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:01,011
This all looks so beautiful.
- Thank you.
91
00:04:01,013 --> 00:04:05,018
- And I just wish that
I felt beautiful too.
92
00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:08,016
- Oh, you look great.
You look great the way you are.
93
00:04:08,018 --> 00:04:13,007
- No, I just--
I wanna look nice, you know?
94
00:04:13,009 --> 00:04:16,014
Like, put on a fancy dress
95
00:04:16,016 --> 00:04:21,022
or, I don't know,
take a shower.
96
00:04:26,019 --> 00:04:29,016
- Well, I can get you a dress.
- Yeah?
97
00:04:29,018 --> 00:04:32,003
- Yeah, I think Aunt Lylah
has just the right one.
98
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,018
- Okay, yeah, I mean--
- Yeah.
99
00:04:33,020 --> 00:04:35,009
- Yeah, a dress would be--
a dress would be great.
100
00:04:35,011 --> 00:04:37,000
- It should fit you
just perfectly.
101
00:04:37,002 --> 00:04:38,022
[both chuckle]
102
00:04:40,021 --> 00:04:43,014
[door creaks]
103
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,013
[door shuts]
104
00:04:47,013 --> 00:04:49,021
- Oh, the teeth!
That counts, that counts.
105
00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:52,010
- No, no, no.
If it's teeth, I get a point.
106
00:04:52,012 --> 00:04:54,000
- [laughs]
No!
107
00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,007
- Boys, I'm sorry.
108
00:04:56,009 --> 00:04:58,020
But can Andrew and I
have a moment?
109
00:04:58,022 --> 00:05:01,022
- Ooh, I don't like that tone.
110
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,013
- Well, why do I
have to leave?
111
00:05:04,015 --> 00:05:06,014
- I--
- [sighs]
112
00:05:06,016 --> 00:05:07,022
- Please?
113
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,022
- People take advantage of me.
Always have.
114
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,002
[faint cheerful music playing]
115
00:05:13,004 --> 00:05:16,008
- Hey, what's going on?
116
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:20,001
- Well, I don't know
how to say this,
117
00:05:20,003 --> 00:05:22,020
but I Googled you.
118
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:25,003
And after a few dozen
Andrew Gardners come up,
119
00:05:25,005 --> 00:05:27,014
you start to see Drew Gardner,
120
00:05:27,016 --> 00:05:30,000
and I learned that you're
not from South Africa.
121
00:05:30,002 --> 00:05:32,004
You were born in Chicago.
122
00:05:32,006 --> 00:05:34,005
And that...
123
00:05:34,007 --> 00:05:35,017
[whispers]
You need glasses.
124
00:05:36,015 --> 00:05:40,013
And I learned
a few other things.
125
00:05:40,015 --> 00:05:43,013
[faint indistinct chatter]
126
00:05:43,015 --> 00:05:46,012
- Um, is this about
my murder trial?
127
00:05:46,014 --> 00:05:48,021
- [squeals]
- Okay, okay--
128
00:05:48,023 --> 00:05:51,005
- So what it says is true?
129
00:05:51,007 --> 00:05:53,016
- Hey, look, I--
- No, no, no, no, no.
130
00:05:53,018 --> 00:05:55,003
- Hey, hey, hey.
131
00:05:55,005 --> 00:05:57,021
I'm so, so sorry I didn't
tell you about it, okay?
132
00:05:57,023 --> 00:06:04,002
It's just I came here to
put that life behind me, okay?
133
00:06:04,004 --> 00:06:05,009
And that's not who I am.
134
00:06:05,011 --> 00:06:07,017
I mean, it is.
Yeah, it is, it's--
135
00:06:07,019 --> 00:06:10,018
I don't want it
to be anymore, okay?
136
00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:15,005
And I like it here because
none of that stuff exists.
137
00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:17,020
I could sit here
and I could just lie to you
138
00:06:17,022 --> 00:06:21,011
about my past, but I don't
wanna do that to you, okay?
139
00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:26,014
So ask me anything and--
and I'll tell you the truth.
140
00:06:26,016 --> 00:06:29,020
Whatever you wanna know,
just ask.
141
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,006
- Okay.
- Okay?
142
00:06:31,008 --> 00:06:33,005
[classical music playing]
143
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:34,015
- [gasps]
144
00:06:34,017 --> 00:06:37,001
Oh, my God.
145
00:06:37,003 --> 00:06:39,003
Oh, you look so beautiful.
146
00:06:39,005 --> 00:06:40,018
- Really?
- Oh.
147
00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:43,008
Do you feel better?
- Mm-hmm.
148
00:06:43,010 --> 00:06:46,014
- [laughs]
Well, dinner is served.
149
00:06:46,016 --> 00:06:48,017
- Oh, okay.
150
00:06:49,016 --> 00:06:51,002
Oh, wow.
151
00:06:51,004 --> 00:06:53,005
It looks so good.
152
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,001
- Happy friend-iversary.
153
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:07,007
♪ ♪
154
00:07:17,002 --> 00:07:18,016
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
155
00:07:18,018 --> 00:07:21,010
- No, no, no, come on!
It's a food fight.
156
00:07:21,012 --> 00:07:23,003
Every friendship
has a food fight.
157
00:07:23,005 --> 00:07:24,014
Didn't you know that?
158
00:07:25,019 --> 00:07:27,011
- Wait, really?
159
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:30,019
[grunts]
Oh, my God!
160
00:07:30,021 --> 00:07:32,021
[both laugh]
161
00:07:32,023 --> 00:07:35,003
- Oh, come on.
You can do better than that.
162
00:07:35,005 --> 00:07:37,002
- [laughs]
163
00:07:37,004 --> 00:07:40,004
[both laughing]
164
00:07:40,021 --> 00:07:42,004
[yells]
165
00:07:42,006 --> 00:07:45,021
[both laughing]
166
00:07:55,010 --> 00:07:58,012
- Okay, okay, okay, okay,
you win, you win!
167
00:07:58,014 --> 00:08:01,001
- Yeah!
168
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:05,003
[laughs]
- [panting]
169
00:08:05,005 --> 00:08:07,021
Oh, no.
170
00:08:07,023 --> 00:08:12,010
Chip, you got too carried away.
171
00:08:12,012 --> 00:08:16,016
- But--but...food fight.
172
00:08:16,018 --> 00:08:19,011
- I mean, I gonna have to get
cleaned up.
173
00:08:19,013 --> 00:08:23,005
I can't eat like this.
174
00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:26,007
I really wish you had
controlled yourself, Chip.
175
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:28,023
- Oh.
176
00:08:29,014 --> 00:08:32,015
- What are we gonna do now?
177
00:08:32,017 --> 00:08:34,019
[faucet squeaks]
178
00:08:34,021 --> 00:08:38,013
- You know,
I actually invented
179
00:08:38,015 --> 00:08:42,000
a very powerful stain remover
six years ago.
180
00:08:42,002 --> 00:08:44,009
I didn't even mean to.
I was just messing around
181
00:08:44,011 --> 00:08:49,020
with some chemicals to remind
myself of my time at MIT.
182
00:08:49,022 --> 00:08:51,010
- That's amazing, Chip.
183
00:08:51,012 --> 00:08:53,017
- Well, that's not
the amazing part.
184
00:08:53,019 --> 00:08:56,022
The amazing part
is a laboratory
185
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,022
got their hands on it,
and they discovered
186
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:03,004
that it is as close
to a cure for lupus
187
00:09:03,006 --> 00:09:04,015
that we presently have.
188
00:09:04,017 --> 00:09:05,018
Can you believe that?
189
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:07,010
I didn't mean to invent
190
00:09:07,012 --> 00:09:10,002
a stain remover
or a cure for lupus,
191
00:09:10,004 --> 00:09:14,004
let alone a stain remover that
would become a cure for lupus.
192
00:09:14,006 --> 00:09:15,021
So you see what I mean
about having
193
00:09:15,023 --> 00:09:17,022
too many options in my life?
194
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,015
I mean, if I succeed
at everything,
195
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:22,015
how am I supposed to choose?
196
00:09:22,017 --> 00:09:24,023
- Chip?
- Yeah?
197
00:09:25,001 --> 00:09:27,004
- Would--would you
sing me something?
198
00:09:27,006 --> 00:09:30,008
- Of course.
Um...
199
00:09:30,010 --> 00:09:32,018
Okay--two, three, four.
200
00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:36,012
♪ The chills that you spill
up my back keep me filled ♪
201
00:09:36,014 --> 00:09:38,009
♪ With satisfaction
when we're done ♪
202
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:41,018
♪ Satisfaction
of what's to come ♪
203
00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:45,004
- ♪ No, I wouldn't ask
for another ♪
204
00:09:45,006 --> 00:09:47,023
- Pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pew!
205
00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:49,007
- No!
206
00:09:49,009 --> 00:09:53,006
♪ No, I couldn't ask
for another ♪
207
00:09:53,008 --> 00:09:55,015
- ♪ Your groove
I do deeply dig ♪
208
00:09:55,017 --> 00:09:58,002
♪ No walls, only the bridge ♪
209
00:09:58,004 --> 00:10:02,008
♪ My supper dish,
my succotash wish ♪
210
00:10:02,010 --> 00:10:07,011
- No, I couldn't ask
for another ♪
211
00:10:07,013 --> 00:10:11,017
- Pew!
212
00:10:11,019 --> 00:10:16,022
- No, I couldn't ask
for another ♪
213
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,016
- What are you doing?
- [gasps]
214
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,018
[grunts]
215
00:10:19,020 --> 00:10:21,004
- Stop it!
What--
216
00:10:21,006 --> 00:10:23,000
- [yells]
- [shouts]
217
00:10:23,002 --> 00:10:24,013
[grunts]
218
00:10:24,015 --> 00:10:26,021
- Dory!
What are you doing?
219
00:10:26,023 --> 00:10:29,014
Unlock the door, Dory!
220
00:10:29,016 --> 00:10:32,000
Dory, Dory, Dory, Dory!
221
00:10:32,002 --> 00:10:34,023
- Fuck!
[grunts angrily]
222
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:38,019
- Hey, what are you
doing in there?
223
00:10:38,021 --> 00:10:40,007
[suspenseful music]
224
00:10:40,009 --> 00:10:42,017
Oh, my God--
[grunting]
225
00:10:42,019 --> 00:10:44,002
- [yells]
226
00:10:44,004 --> 00:10:46,010
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
227
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:48,005
[screams]
Motherfuck--
228
00:10:48,007 --> 00:10:50,016
- Dory!
Oh, my God!
229
00:10:50,018 --> 00:10:55,002
I am--I'm not bad.
I know--I know you're scared.
230
00:10:55,004 --> 00:10:56,005
- [grunts]
231
00:10:56,007 --> 00:10:58,023
- If you just like me better,
232
00:10:59,001 --> 00:11:01,009
you'll feel like
a good friend!
233
00:11:01,011 --> 00:11:08,016
♪ ♪
234
00:11:13,011 --> 00:11:15,015
- [screams]
Oh!
235
00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:17,013
Hi, Lylah?
236
00:11:17,015 --> 00:11:20,005
It's your neighbor, Paula Jo.
237
00:11:20,007 --> 00:11:21,005
- [quietly]
Fuck.
238
00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:22,013
- Was that you who just
239
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,017
slammed the door in my face?
240
00:11:25,019 --> 00:11:29,005
We haven't formally met,
but I've been decorating
241
00:11:29,007 --> 00:11:31,018
this house
for Christmas every year.
242
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:33,006
- Shut up!
243
00:11:33,008 --> 00:11:35,001
- I saw the car out
in the driveway and I thought,
244
00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:38,005
"Well, that must
be the elusive Lylah!"
245
00:11:38,007 --> 00:11:41,003
- Yes, it's me.
Um...
246
00:11:41,005 --> 00:11:45,003
Hi, I--I'm--you caught me
at a really bad time, darling.
247
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:48,013
I-I'm just about
to rush out the door.
248
00:11:48,015 --> 00:11:51,000
- I know you're in a hurry,
but I'm here now
249
00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:53,016
and this works for me,
so if we could just do
250
00:11:53,018 --> 00:11:55,010
a real quick walk
around the house
251
00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:58,016
and take a look at where it
might be just fantastic
252
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,017
for you to decorate.
253
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:01,023
- Fuck!
254
00:12:02,001 --> 00:12:05,020
Yeah, great!
Just hold on one minute!
255
00:12:05,022 --> 00:12:08,012
Um...
256
00:12:08,014 --> 00:12:11,006
- [panting nervously]
Oh.
257
00:12:11,008 --> 00:12:12,018
♪ ♪
258
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:17,006
- I just have to put the cats
into the other room.
259
00:12:17,008 --> 00:12:20,014
Otherwise, they'll just
rush right out the door,
260
00:12:20,016 --> 00:12:23,010
and we do not wanna
spend the afternoon
261
00:12:23,012 --> 00:12:25,009
chasing cats, now, do we?
262
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,014
- No.
263
00:12:26,016 --> 00:12:29,002
- So just let me
grab them here.
264
00:12:29,004 --> 00:12:30,012
Come on, Buttercup.
265
00:12:30,014 --> 00:12:33,019
Okay, I'm nearly done
putting away the cats.
266
00:12:33,021 --> 00:12:36,019
- Good, because it's
very cold out here,
267
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:39,002
and these muffins
are really heavy.
268
00:12:39,004 --> 00:12:42,002
- [panting]
269
00:12:42,004 --> 00:12:49,008
♪ ♪
270
00:12:50,017 --> 00:12:52,012
- Hi--oh, thank you
for the muffins.
271
00:12:52,014 --> 00:12:55,020
I wish I had time to do
all the things you want,
272
00:12:55,022 --> 00:13:02,009
but I-I have to be in town
to go celebrate some shoes.
273
00:13:02,011 --> 00:13:05,019
They won the--they won
the award for best shoes.
274
00:13:05,021 --> 00:13:10,006
So, um, go run along,
and let's do this another time.
275
00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:13,020
- Oh, of course.
I understand you're very busy.
276
00:13:13,022 --> 00:13:16,019
But I sent you an email
four years ago,
277
00:13:16,021 --> 00:13:19,012
and I got
an out-of-office reply,
278
00:13:19,014 --> 00:13:22,018
and this house is on
the Christmas Festivity Route,
279
00:13:22,020 --> 00:13:26,000
and I am on the board
of the Holiday Society,
280
00:13:26,002 --> 00:13:28,008
so I've just been taking it
upon myself
281
00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:30,018
to decorate this house
for you every year
282
00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:33,012
because of your glaring absence
in our community.
283
00:13:33,014 --> 00:13:35,001
- Great, thank you
for doing that.
284
00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:37,022
- But you're home,
which is wonderful!
285
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,000
And now that I have you here,
I have to ask,
286
00:13:41,002 --> 00:13:43,005
are you planning on decorating?
287
00:13:43,007 --> 00:13:46,007
Because I'm happy
to do it again for you.
288
00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:48,008
- Ugh, you know what?
289
00:13:48,010 --> 00:13:51,003
If it really means
so much to you,
290
00:13:51,005 --> 00:13:54,020
I would be happy to make
the time in between my 11 jobs
291
00:13:54,022 --> 00:13:56,004
and hundreds and hundreds
292
00:13:56,006 --> 00:13:57,018
and hundreds
of doctor's appointments.
293
00:13:57,020 --> 00:14:00,016
Thank you for thinking
that you should stop by.
294
00:14:01,015 --> 00:14:04,013
- [panting]
295
00:14:04,015 --> 00:14:11,019
♪ ♪
296
00:14:17,014 --> 00:14:20,017
Where the fuck...
297
00:14:20,019 --> 00:14:23,023
[wind whistling]
298
00:14:25,008 --> 00:14:28,003
Okay.
Okay.
299
00:14:28,005 --> 00:14:29,014
All right.
300
00:14:33,012 --> 00:14:36,005
[faint birds squawking]
301
00:14:36,007 --> 00:14:38,009
Hello?
302
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,023
Help!
303
00:14:41,008 --> 00:14:42,016
Hello?
304
00:14:44,023 --> 00:14:47,002
[panting]
305
00:14:47,004 --> 00:14:48,014
Fuck!
306
00:15:03,004 --> 00:15:06,010
- Wow.
- Yeah.
307
00:15:06,012 --> 00:15:08,020
- How did you get hired here?
308
00:15:08,022 --> 00:15:10,009
[faint cheerful music playing]
309
00:15:10,011 --> 00:15:13,012
- They put me in a program
called Cheer Watch,
310
00:15:13,014 --> 00:15:15,008
and I basically have to
fill out a bunch
311
00:15:15,010 --> 00:15:17,013
of extra weekly reports,
and they pay me
312
00:15:17,015 --> 00:15:20,014
about half as much
as they pay you guys.
313
00:15:20,016 --> 00:15:22,004
Please don't tell
anyone that, okay?
314
00:15:22,006 --> 00:15:24,015
It's so embarrassing.
- I would never.
315
00:15:24,017 --> 00:15:27,001
I believe that everyone,
everywhere,
316
00:15:27,003 --> 00:15:29,001
no matter what they've done,
317
00:15:29,003 --> 00:15:31,023
deserves the chance
to be happy.
318
00:15:32,001 --> 00:15:33,023
[both laugh]
319
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,006
- Thanks.
320
00:15:36,008 --> 00:15:38,021
- Since you shared all that,
321
00:15:38,023 --> 00:15:40,015
I wanna share
something with you.
322
00:15:40,017 --> 00:15:43,007
- Yes, yes, please, please.
323
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:46,012
- I never tell anyone this.
324
00:15:46,014 --> 00:15:48,015
It's where all my pain
comes from.
325
00:15:48,017 --> 00:15:50,011
♪ ♪
326
00:15:50,013 --> 00:15:52,002
But when I was 12,
I was babysitting
327
00:15:52,004 --> 00:15:55,002
for the mayor's niece, and I
decided to leave the house
328
00:15:55,004 --> 00:15:56,017
to go get a popsicle
because they didn't
329
00:15:56,019 --> 00:15:58,015
ever have them at their house.
[laughs]
330
00:15:58,017 --> 00:16:00,003
- Yeah.
[chuckles]
331
00:16:00,005 --> 00:16:03,015
- So I took the baby with me
to the gas station,
332
00:16:03,017 --> 00:16:06,001
and I was paranoid
about being gone too long,
333
00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:07,012
so I wore my roller skates
334
00:16:07,014 --> 00:16:09,015
to get there and back faster,
and...
335
00:16:12,002 --> 00:16:14,008
I was skating too fast.
336
00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:15,015
- Uh-huh.
337
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:20,000
- And I tripped on a rock,
and the baby went flying,
338
00:16:20,002 --> 00:16:22,021
and it flew perfectly
into a gutter,
339
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:26,014
like, where the street
meets the curb.
340
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,013
It didn't even hit
the edges of the gutter.
341
00:16:29,015 --> 00:16:33,015
It just flew right into
the hole like a perfect shot,
342
00:16:33,017 --> 00:16:35,020
and I heard it splash.
343
00:16:35,022 --> 00:16:38,004
- Oh, no.
344
00:16:40,014 --> 00:16:43,007
- I was a pariah.
345
00:16:43,009 --> 00:16:44,023
I was a monster.
346
00:16:45,001 --> 00:16:46,019
[sobbing]
347
00:16:46,021 --> 00:16:49,022
I can't deny what I did.
I did what I did.
348
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,014
But I choose to be happy.
349
00:16:54,016 --> 00:16:56,016
[laughs softly]
350
00:16:56,018 --> 00:16:59,003
- Hey.
351
00:16:59,005 --> 00:17:01,021
I'm so sorry that
that happened to you.
352
00:17:01,023 --> 00:17:04,010
- It's okay. I'm happy.
353
00:17:04,012 --> 00:17:05,017
[both laugh]
354
00:17:05,019 --> 00:17:08,008
I'm in Merry Merry Land.
- Yeah.
355
00:17:08,010 --> 00:17:11,010
- How could I
not be happy here?
356
00:17:11,012 --> 00:17:13,000
Okay.
357
00:17:13,002 --> 00:17:15,005
We've both told each other
the worst things.
358
00:17:15,007 --> 00:17:17,003
- Yeah.
- That's it.
359
00:17:17,005 --> 00:17:18,016
No more lying.
360
00:17:18,018 --> 00:17:21,018
- Yes, no more lying.
361
00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:23,020
I promise.
362
00:17:37,011 --> 00:17:40,015
- [panting]
363
00:17:43,015 --> 00:17:45,003
Hello?
364
00:17:48,016 --> 00:17:50,016
Is anyone here?
365
00:17:56,021 --> 00:17:59,021
[light switch clicking]
366
00:18:11,010 --> 00:18:13,005
[phone dings]
367
00:18:19,002 --> 00:18:20,017
[radio clicks on]
368
00:18:20,019 --> 00:18:23,023
[whirring]
369
00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,010
[radio feedback]
370
00:18:28,012 --> 00:18:29,019
Hello?
371
00:18:29,021 --> 00:18:31,002
[static buzzing]
372
00:18:34,001 --> 00:18:35,006
Hello?
373
00:18:38,005 --> 00:18:39,020
- Fuck you.
374
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:42,014
- Hello?
375
00:18:42,016 --> 00:18:44,019
- Fuck you!
Fuck you!
376
00:18:44,021 --> 00:18:47,017
- Wh--where--are you--
377
00:18:47,019 --> 00:18:49,020
is this a child?
378
00:18:49,022 --> 00:18:52,012
- Fuck you!
Fuck you, fuck you!
379
00:18:52,014 --> 00:18:56,020
- Wait, I--can I talk to
your mom or your dad, please?
380
00:18:56,022 --> 00:18:59,000
Are there any adults around?
381
00:18:59,002 --> 00:19:02,000
[static drones]
382
00:19:02,002 --> 00:19:03,023
- Fuck you!
Bye, stupid.
383
00:19:04,001 --> 00:19:06,009
- No, wait, wait!
Wait, hello?
384
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:09,000
Hello?
Hello?
385
00:19:16,012 --> 00:19:18,019
- How much do you love
this look for the brunch scene?
386
00:19:18,021 --> 00:19:24,003
I mean, so indie, so vintage,
so Dory, right?
387
00:19:24,005 --> 00:19:27,003
- Yeah, it's cute.
I feel really bad.
388
00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:29,005
I don't wanna, like,
step on your toes, you know?
389
00:19:29,007 --> 00:19:32,002
This is your art,
and like, I, you know,
390
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,014
I just don't feel good in this,
391
00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:34,022
and I kind of feel
like a ghost.
392
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,016
- Portia.
Lassie Kazaar, the director.
393
00:19:36,018 --> 00:19:38,013
- Oh, my gosh!
Hi!
394
00:19:38,015 --> 00:19:40,017
It's so nice to meet you.
I'm sorry, I'm a hugger.
395
00:19:40,019 --> 00:19:43,008
- I'm not.
So let's have a chat.
396
00:19:43,010 --> 00:19:45,006
Can you excuse us?
- Of course.
397
00:19:45,008 --> 00:19:46,010
- Okay.
- Bye.
398
00:19:46,012 --> 00:19:48,004
He's--he's, you know,
incredible.
399
00:19:48,006 --> 00:19:49,021
I love all my op--
400
00:19:49,023 --> 00:19:51,009
- Okay.
- [clears throat]
401
00:19:51,011 --> 00:19:52,017
- So how are you feeling?
402
00:19:52,019 --> 00:19:54,010
This is kind of
a big departure for you.
403
00:19:54,012 --> 00:19:56,001
- Yeah, I feel great, honestly.
404
00:19:56,003 --> 00:19:58,022
Like, I feel inspired
and excited,
405
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,009
and I feel like I'm born to
play this part in a weird way,
406
00:20:01,011 --> 00:20:03,001
'cause it's, like,
who better to play Dory
407
00:20:03,003 --> 00:20:04,020
than her best friend,
you know what I mean?
408
00:20:04,022 --> 00:20:06,015
- Okay, well,
I just wanted to check in
409
00:20:06,017 --> 00:20:08,023
and see if you have any
questions about the character.
410
00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:10,014
- I do, actually.
411
00:20:10,016 --> 00:20:12,009
On the page,
she's written, like,
412
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,001
kind of harsh,
do you know what I mean?
413
00:20:14,003 --> 00:20:16,012
And I wanna make sure
that I add softness to her
414
00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:18,021
because Dor wasn't all bad,
you know?
415
00:20:18,023 --> 00:20:21,015
And then I'm also, like--
is it too late to possibly
416
00:20:21,017 --> 00:20:23,013
rewrite the scene where,
you know,
417
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:25,010
she takes that cigarette
and she puts it out
418
00:20:25,012 --> 00:20:27,008
on that little baby squirrel?
419
00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:30,013
I just feel like
she wouldn't burn an animal.
420
00:20:30,015 --> 00:20:32,004
- I understand it might
not have really happened.
421
00:20:32,006 --> 00:20:33,017
- Mm-hmm.
- I know, it doesn't matter.
422
00:20:33,019 --> 00:20:35,009
- Okay.
- When you're telling a story,
423
00:20:35,011 --> 00:20:37,004
you have to step things out
for the audience.
424
00:20:37,006 --> 00:20:39,002
- Right, which is--
that just--
425
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:40,012
that's not truth.
426
00:20:40,014 --> 00:20:42,006
That's fake.
That didn't happen.
427
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:45,001
- Did you see my last movie,
"Einstein in Miami"?
428
00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:46,020
- I didn't see it.
429
00:20:46,022 --> 00:20:48,007
- Oh.
[laughs]
430
00:20:48,009 --> 00:20:50,012
Oh, okay, I thought you--
you're not kidding.
431
00:20:50,014 --> 00:20:52,001
- No.
- Okay, that's crazy.
432
00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:53,014
Well...
[laughs]
433
00:20:53,016 --> 00:20:57,003
People saw it and loved it.
A lot of people.
434
00:20:57,005 --> 00:21:00,023
But what they also loved
is seeing Einstein be in Miami.
435
00:21:01,001 --> 00:21:03,008
Guess what.
He never stepped foot in Miami.
436
00:21:03,010 --> 00:21:05,014
I mean, I don't even think
he knew what Florida was.
437
00:21:05,016 --> 00:21:07,003
- Right.
- 'Cause back then,
438
00:21:07,005 --> 00:21:10,001
people couldn't
just hop on a plane.
439
00:21:10,003 --> 00:21:13,003
So my point is, here,
440
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:14,022
that this is gonna
be a real fun movie.
441
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,019
- This is gonna be really fun.
442
00:21:16,021 --> 00:21:21,011
But don't you wanna honor us?
443
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:25,016
Like, we really were
real people.
444
00:21:25,018 --> 00:21:27,003
That's the thing.
445
00:21:27,005 --> 00:21:30,001
- [laughs]
You're too close to this.
446
00:21:30,003 --> 00:21:31,021
I knew you would be too close,
447
00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:35,000
and I told people
that you would be too close.
448
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,016
But no one listens to women.
449
00:21:36,018 --> 00:21:38,020
Fucking stuck with this one.
450
00:21:40,008 --> 00:21:41,018
- [panting]
451
00:21:41,020 --> 00:21:42,023
Hello?
452
00:21:51,006 --> 00:21:52,012
- Babe, you need
to figure this out.
453
00:21:52,014 --> 00:21:55,018
- [gasps]
I'm trying.
454
00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:57,015
- No, I get it, but you know,
you made it this far.
455
00:21:57,017 --> 00:21:59,020
Just need to make it
a little bit farther.
456
00:21:59,022 --> 00:22:02,013
- I don't know what else to do.
- Where is everyone?
457
00:22:02,015 --> 00:22:05,002
Where is everyone?
Dory needs help, okay?
458
00:22:05,004 --> 00:22:06,017
This is the
"Dory Needs Help" show,
459
00:22:06,019 --> 00:22:09,013
and the first caller in
gets to help Dory.
460
00:22:09,015 --> 00:22:12,004
Hello?
[sighs]
461
00:22:12,006 --> 00:22:14,000
- Okay, what we need
is survival skills.
462
00:22:14,002 --> 00:22:15,019
What if we just follow
the Big Dipper,
463
00:22:15,021 --> 00:22:17,015
and, you know, eventually
we'll hit a bodega!
464
00:22:17,017 --> 00:22:18,016
I don't know!
465
00:22:18,018 --> 00:22:20,006
- Oh, no, she's cold as ice.
466
00:22:20,008 --> 00:22:21,014
And this is no joke.
467
00:22:21,016 --> 00:22:23,000
She could freeze to death
in the night.
468
00:22:23,002 --> 00:22:25,010
- That feels nice.
- Oh, Dor.
469
00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:27,004
You look really pretty.
470
00:22:27,006 --> 00:22:28,016
You look really good,
471
00:22:28,018 --> 00:22:31,003
but you gotta start dressing
for the weather, okay?
472
00:22:31,005 --> 00:22:33,002
[ethereal music]
473
00:22:33,004 --> 00:22:34,020
♪ ♪
474
00:22:34,022 --> 00:22:37,009
Dory, look.
Look!
475
00:22:37,011 --> 00:22:40,020
A light.
[laughs softly]
476
00:22:47,013 --> 00:22:49,014
- Oh, yeah.
477
00:22:51,008 --> 00:22:54,006
Hey, hey!
478
00:22:54,008 --> 00:22:59,004
Wait!
Wait, wait, stop!
479
00:23:02,001 --> 00:23:03,003
[car door opens]
480
00:23:03,005 --> 00:23:05,017
Thank you.
Thank you.
481
00:23:05,019 --> 00:23:07,012
[car door shuts]
482
00:23:07,014 --> 00:23:13,022
♪ ♪
483
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,015
- Oh, look.
A winter angel!
484
00:23:17,017 --> 00:23:20,021
You know, you real lucky
that I came on this road.
485
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:22,016
I normally don't come here
at night.
486
00:23:22,018 --> 00:23:25,016
I get too scared of the way
the branches look.
487
00:23:25,018 --> 00:23:28,001
- Can I use your phone?
- Phone?
488
00:23:28,003 --> 00:23:29,008
[laughs]
God, ah.
489
00:23:29,010 --> 00:23:31,005
Mobile phones
rot the baby maker.
490
00:23:31,007 --> 00:23:34,002
I wanna make sure
that I can have another child.
491
00:23:34,004 --> 00:23:36,015
You know, a man can
have a child at any age.
492
00:23:36,017 --> 00:23:40,015
- Can you drop me off
at the police station then?
493
00:23:40,017 --> 00:23:42,003
- I sure can.
494
00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:43,017
I think it's on the way
to my daughter's house.
495
00:23:43,019 --> 00:23:47,011
We're having a white elephant.
Yeah.
496
00:23:47,013 --> 00:23:50,007
Yeah, and you don't wanna
be there without a present.
497
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,023
You know,
it's something peculiar,
498
00:23:54,001 --> 00:23:58,007
you look real familiar to me.
499
00:23:58,009 --> 00:24:00,004
- Do I?
500
00:24:00,006 --> 00:24:03,022
- You ever been a contestant
on "Deal or No Deal"?
501
00:24:05,004 --> 00:24:06,011
- No.
502
00:24:06,013 --> 00:24:09,016
- I love it.
Eat it with a spoon.
503
00:24:09,018 --> 00:24:14,003
But if it's that's not it...
504
00:24:14,005 --> 00:24:15,017
- Sir, sir?
505
00:24:15,019 --> 00:24:17,013
Can you keep your eyes
on the road, please?
506
00:24:17,015 --> 00:24:19,009
- I--I knew you were innocent!
507
00:24:19,011 --> 00:24:20,016
I knew you weren't guilty!
508
00:24:20,018 --> 00:24:22,012
I knew it!
- Sir!
509
00:24:22,014 --> 00:24:24,021
- I knew it, I told everyone!
- Sir, please!
510
00:24:24,023 --> 00:24:26,022
Sir, please!
Keep your eyes on the road!
511
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,022
[screams]
512
00:24:31,010 --> 00:24:33,015
[insects chirring]
513
00:24:34,015 --> 00:24:37,005
- [laughs softly]
514
00:24:37,007 --> 00:24:40,008
[faint cheerful music playing]
515
00:24:40,010 --> 00:24:47,013
♪ ♪
516
00:24:56,019 --> 00:24:58,015
Is that my sweater?
517
00:24:59,020 --> 00:25:02,019
[dramatic music]
518
00:25:02,021 --> 00:25:05,011
♪ ♪
519
00:25:05,013 --> 00:25:08,000
What?
520
00:25:10,017 --> 00:25:11,020
- Here he comes!
521
00:25:11,022 --> 00:25:13,005
[crowd cheering]
522
00:25:13,007 --> 00:25:14,022
- Love you!
- Elliott!
523
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,023
- [laughs]
524
00:25:17,001 --> 00:25:19,005
Hi!
525
00:25:19,007 --> 00:25:20,016
[giggles]
526
00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:23,009
My fans, my beautiful fans!
527
00:25:23,011 --> 00:25:25,017
Hi. Hi.
Mwah.
528
00:25:25,019 --> 00:25:28,006
- Would you sign...
- Oh, sure, of course.
529
00:25:28,008 --> 00:25:29,022
- Hey, big girl.
- Yeah?
530
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,013
Oh, my God.
Excuse you?
531
00:25:32,015 --> 00:25:34,002
- You little enemy of Dorothy.
532
00:25:34,004 --> 00:25:35,023
We had three cancellations
this morning.
533
00:25:36,001 --> 00:25:37,023
- Well, congratulations.
To them!
534
00:25:38,001 --> 00:25:39,004
[both scoff]
535
00:25:39,006 --> 00:25:40,009
Okay, can my fans
arrest these people?
536
00:25:40,011 --> 00:25:41,012
Thank you.
- No, no, no, no.
537
00:25:41,014 --> 00:25:42,020
You need to issue a retraction,
538
00:25:42,022 --> 00:25:44,006
or we're gonna sue you
for libel.
539
00:25:44,008 --> 00:25:46,016
Nobody died at your
stupid wedding!
540
00:25:46,018 --> 00:25:48,017
- Oh, please,
you know very well
541
00:25:48,019 --> 00:25:50,017
that a twink died
on your watch, okay?
542
00:25:50,019 --> 00:25:53,000
And that's the only reason
my fiancé left me, by the way.
543
00:25:53,002 --> 00:25:54,014
- No, that twink did not die!
- It is.
544
00:25:54,016 --> 00:25:57,002
- He is still alive,
and he didn't even work for us.
545
00:25:57,004 --> 00:25:59,010
He faked everything.
- What?
546
00:25:59,012 --> 00:26:00,022
- You will die an old maid!
547
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,002
- Oh, eat my ass!
548
00:26:03,004 --> 00:26:06,002
[tense music]
549
00:26:06,004 --> 00:26:08,009
♪ ♪
550
00:26:08,011 --> 00:26:11,001
[bird squawking]
551
00:26:11,003 --> 00:26:13,018
[car engine ticking]
552
00:26:13,020 --> 00:26:17,000
[wind whistling]
553
00:26:29,006 --> 00:26:32,011
- [ragged breathing]
554
00:26:59,011 --> 00:27:02,018
[grunting]
555
00:27:02,020 --> 00:27:05,006
[horn honking]
556
00:27:06,016 --> 00:27:09,013
[sobbing]
557
00:27:14,006 --> 00:27:16,017
- ♪ The chills that you
spill up my back ♪
558
00:27:16,019 --> 00:27:19,018
♪ Keep me filled with
satisfaction when we're done ♪
559
00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:22,014
♪ Satisfaction
of what's to come ♪
560
00:27:22,016 --> 00:27:26,000
♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪
561
00:27:26,002 --> 00:27:28,012
♪ No, I couldn't ask
for another ♪
562
00:27:28,014 --> 00:27:30,013
♪ You know that's right ♪
563
00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:34,015
- Well, looks like
you need my help.
564
00:27:35,010 --> 00:27:38,001
- ♪ I look for signs ♪
565
00:27:38,003 --> 00:27:44,000
♪ Get lost in the noise of the
words that don't mean much ♪
566
00:27:44,002 --> 00:27:46,020
♪ I'll be defiant ♪
567
00:27:46,022 --> 00:27:49,000
♪ The one that
could change us ♪
568
00:27:49,002 --> 00:27:52,021
♪ I'll give you
the same love ♪
569
00:27:52,023 --> 00:27:54,021
♪ I darling, darling,
don't know ♪
570
00:27:54,023 --> 00:27:57,001
♪ How fame, faith,
and the fallout ♪
571
00:27:57,003 --> 00:28:01,008
♪ Time's up,
times are getting loud ♪
572
00:28:01,010 --> 00:28:03,013
♪ I darling, darling,
don't know ♪
573
00:28:03,015 --> 00:28:05,017
♪ How fame, faith,
and the fallout ♪
574
00:28:05,019 --> 00:28:10,009
♪ Time's up,
times are getting loud ♪
575
00:28:10,011 --> 00:28:12,008
♪ Every move I make ♪
576
00:28:12,010 --> 00:28:14,014
♪ I make with no mistake ♪
577
00:28:14,016 --> 00:28:17,005
♪ See, I know my heart ♪
578
00:28:18,007 --> 00:28:19,018
- [coughs]