Hey, guys. It's me.
So, tomorrow begins the trial of the millennium.
It's pretty obvious that Gory Dory is guilty,
so why are we even having this trial?
She should be in jail!
And not to be sexist, but she's pretty ugly,
and she looks like a liberal.
And I'll be interested to see if she ever shuts up!
♪♪
♪ Obedear, the sky is low ♪
So, this is what I was thinking for the first day.
It's super professional, and it matches
with this suit for Drew!
Yeah, I just feel like, you know, we're gonna look like
some sort of brother-sister cartoon freaks if we match.
You know what, Cassidy? Why don't we take
the responsibility off your shoulders
of dressing us up like little dolls
and focus on your opening statement,
which I, for one, would love to hear.
Mm. [ Chuckles ]
Well, this is about us coaching you,
not the other way around.
What's the big deal?
Let's just hear your statement.
Are you not prepared?
Maybe I just don't like being put on the spot.
Well, that's what court is.
Right?
So, come on.
Practice.
Fine.
Okay. Oh, God.
So, imagine, if you will,
a little girl on a playground...
swinging on a swing.
Okay, um, I'm sorry, I hate this.
It's not cheesy, but it just feels like it is,
because I feel like I'm under a microscope,
in my own home.
Um, and then there were these small changes in her persona--
Sorry, I'm just gonna take that line again.
Um, and after that, I noticed changes in her person--
I'm sorry. I'm just in my head.
I'm usually so amazing at learning lines.
I just -- It's just very weird playing myself.
Totally. But remember, you don't have to be perfect up there.
You're a human being.
You have every right to be nervous.
Well, it kind of does have to be perfect, alright?
So, you know, I guess I would just ask
for you to just deal with the pressure.
Okay.
Hey, gang.
We're gearing up for a long, hard battle,
and the one gift we can give ourselves is sleep.
Sleep.
Uh, thanks, Bob. Have a good night.
You know, my best friend died five years ago and...
changed the course of my life.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend, Bob.
Life. Live it.
Exploit it.
Take it by the neck and choke it.
You get out of this mess, you guys are gonna be so lucky.
And when you are, do something.
Change the world.
Or just, you know, sit back and make some cash, at least.
Good night.
Charlie! Hi! [ Chuckles ]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Um, I'm a guest on Charlie Reeny's show.
Do you know where I can find her?
Elliott Goss.
[ Chuckling ] Hi!
Oh, my goodness!
Hello!
How are you?!
I'm glad you finally decided to come on my show.
Oh, well, thank you so much for having me.
I've seen enough clips of your show to know
that you don't often have the gay coastal elite
on as guests, so...
I always like to ask before we start,
are there any no-fly zones?
I try and respect my guests' privacy.
Yes. Um, I tend to be very quiet about my failures,
so if you don't mind, please don't mention my book deal,
which recently crumbled.
I'm just here to discuss my friends, so...
-Loud and clear. -Cool.
Well, I haven't gotten into hair and makeup yet,
so I'll see you on set.
Okay.
This is so fun!
Thank y--
Where do I go?
[ All clamoring indistinctly ]
Oh, my God.
Gory Dory, are you a cold-blooded killer?!
Drew, did she make you do it?!
Get back! Nothing, nothing!
[ All shouting indistinctly ]
Get away from me, you animals!
Get back!
Girl: I love you, Drew!
Please rise.
The United States District Court
for the Southern District of New York is now in session.
The Honorable Judge Xavier Hellerman presiding.
Please be seated.
This is the United States
vs. Dory Sief and Drew Gardner.
Counsel, are you ready to proceed?
-Yes. -Yes.
Deputy, let's invite the jury.
♪♪
[ Whispering ] Dory...
I'm really scared.
Before we begin, may I just relay to the court
that I was recently diagnosed
with a very rare autoimmune condition
called Poppy Gillies disease,
which gravely affects my metabolism.
There may be times in this courtroom
when I may be continuously snacking,
as my life depends on it.
I now ask the prosecution to give their opening statement.
Good morning.
Day one...
of many, of many.
Well, you know what? I'd like to start
by painting you a little picture.
It's a cool...
breezy May afternoon.
And a little girl sits on the swings, on the playground.
Only this little girl doesn't feel like playing today.
Something inside of her knows...
that somewhere in Montreal,
just five hours north of where she sits,
her father, Keith Isaac Powell,
is being violently murdered
by a young, attractive, privileged couple.
This man did not deserve to die,
especially at the hands of a couple of Millennials
looking for a thrill-kill!
Dory Sief is an attractive woman, all right?
But with that attractiveness came sexual confidence.
Mm. Sounds good.
But that turned into sexual deviance.
She revealed to her... submissive boyfriend
that she was having an affair
and then coerced him to just dutifully abandon all morality
just to satisfy her.
[ Sighs ]
And we have undeniable proof
against that privileged couple.
Proof that they were in Montreal
on the grounds where Keith was murdered.
Hair samples, fingerprints,
such extensive DNA from the crime scene.
We have so much evidence,
that, frankly, you're gonna get real tired of it.
If we allow these two
morally repugnant abusers of privilege off,
well, you know what you're doing?
You're letting an entire generation off.
If we enable this entitlement
to the degree of murder,
I ask you,
what kind of world are our children growing up in?
♪♪
And, more importantly...
♪♪
...what kind of world do you want to live in?
Oh, my God!
-[ Groaning ] -Can we get some paper towels!
Mm-hmm.
I, too, feel sick.
-Oh. -Here.
This is bad.
This is so bad.
-All right. -Ugh!
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, just want to say sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Now for the defense's opening statements.
Okay.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Members of the jury...
fellow attorneys, et al. Umm...
In an unpredictable coincidence,
my opening statement also began
with imagery of a young girl on a playground.
It was different, but not different enough
for me to want to still do it, so...
Um, here comes some improvisation,
so...
Hmph.
This question is for the ladies in the room!
Have you ever felt,
while walking down the street at night,
that there was someone behind you, watching you?
I'm sure you've had this experience.
And I know for a fact that my client Dory Sief has.
She was trying to make the world a better place.
She was trying to be a good person.
She was actually trying to save her friend
Chantal Witherbottom,
who, to her knowledge, was in serious trouble.
Now, along the way, she met a man,
"Keith Powell," whom she befriended.
Mr. Powell developed feelings for my client,
which she indulged
with the permission of her understanding boyfriend.
However, when the time came
for Dory to end things with Keith,
he did not take it well.
He put a tracking device on her phone
and followed her to Montreal
in a dangerous fit.
So it's obvious that the question then becomes
who followed Keith to Montreal
and committed this terrible crime?
My client is not a murderer.
She is a victim.
She is a victim of circumstance,
and she is a victim of the patriarchy,
as are we all.
Mr. Powell was an immoral predator
who wanted to harass my client.
And I'm proud of her for not retaliating
in the face of that harassment.
I'm proud of her for not even being aware
of his murder at all.
And I am proud of her
for being a resilient, brave,
modern woman.
Thank you.
And thank you...all.
What?
Man: Camera. And we're back from commercial
in 3, 2, 1.
Hi. You're watching "Open Fire with Charlie Reeny."
My name is Charlie Reeny,
and I have a hot show for you today.
It's the first day of trial in the Gory Dory murder case,
and joining me today is lifelong friend
of the murderous couple, defense witness
and gay rights activist Elliott Goss.
[ Chuckles ] Uh, I wouldn't necessarily call myself that.
I'm certainly a friend of the movement,
but I've never been to a march in my life.
So, Elliott, before we get into how you and your friends
represent absolutely everything that's wrong
-with young liberals... -Mm.
...I wanted to give you a chance to plug your book.
Okay. [ Chuckles ]
What's shocking?
The fact that you squandered the only chance you had
at a real career by having writer's block,
or the fact that my producer's niece can draw this well?
I know what I was trying to say,
and it's that that is not my book.
-It looks just like you. -Well, it's not my book.
And I didn't write -- It's -- It's --
Blond hair, blue eyes?
My turn.
Help me up, please.
Ohh! Whew!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
Your Honor.
Cassidy brought up some very interesting points
that I'm sure resonate
with many people around the world.
The prosecution, well, what was she talking about?
I tried to follow it.
I don't know what she was saying.
They both told stories,
but I am gonna talk about the evidence,
because if there's one thing I'm completely confident of
is that my client, Eddie, is innocent.
[ Whispering ] Eddie?! Who's Eddie?
Oh, uh --
It's -- Bob, it's Drew.
Drew! Drew!
Drew is innocent.
[ Chuckles ]
Do you ever have one of those days?
♪♪
Charlie: You cannot hire any women taller than me.
End of discussion. She's 5'7". I'm 5'6".
Do the fuckin' work.
Are you okay?
You look beat up.
I'm sorry. I just didn't quite expect this from you,
not as a guest in your own house.
Babe, that's the game.
Do you like watching polite TV? No.
[ Chuckles ] You like watching good TV.
Man: And we're back in 3, 2, 1.
Welcome back to "Open Fire with Charlie Reeny."
I'm your host, Charlie Reeny. And joining me today
is the man who helped his friends bury a body,
Elliott Goss.
[ Sniffs ]
I'm sorry.
-Did you fart? -What?
[ Chuckling ] Oh, my God!
I can't believe that much smell came out of you.
I mean, you are too tiny to make that much smell.
It's sick!
People, I didn't fart.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Yeah, you guys -- Right? You, too?
Yeah, even the producers can smell it.
It's thatdisgusting.
Did you -- Oh, my God.
Did you eat an old ostrich egg?
I don't fart!
Your Honor, I would like to call the witness
Portia Davenport to the stand, please.
[ Spectators murmur ]
Raise your right hand.
Do you swear or affirm
that the testimony you are about to give
will be the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?
Yes, I-I do.
-Please be seated. -Okay.
-Good morning. -Good morning.
How is it that you, uh, know
the defendants, Dory Sief and Drew Gardner?
Um, well, I met Dory in college.
[ Chuckling ] And it's actually a funny story.
It always makes me laugh.
It's way too long to tell you guys,
but I'll just say that it involves
me locking myself out of my dorm room totally naked
and then having to wait in Dory's dorm room
until someone unlocked mine.
And, actually, that is the entire story.
And then she met Drew,
and we all became good buds.
But they weren't very good buds
on the night of May 26th, now, were they?
No.
In a testimony that you made to police,
you stated,
Quote: "I stopped dry-humping with the Frenchman
and went downstairs to get a glass of water.
When I got to the kitchen, I discovered my friends
stuffing Keith's body into a zebra-print suitcase.
They convinced me to bury the suitcase with them.
I still have nightmares every night."
Do you still stand by this statement, Portia?
Yes, I do.
Now, you've known Dory intimately
for a long time, would you say?
How would you describe her?
Well, my answer is kind of changing lately.
Um, but if you had asked me before all this,
oh, man.
I would say Dory is so nice.
And she's such a good friend
and very creative and introspective.
But how would you describe her now?
[ Voice breaking ] I don't really know what's real
and what's not real with her.
After this whole era, it's sort of my opinion
that she really resents
that she just doesn't have a sense of self.
And now that I'm sitting here thinking about it,
I didn't ever want to even look for Chantal.
I just did it because I loved my friend,
and I was very worried about her mental health,
and I wanted to be a good friend.
But then it kept getting bigger and bigger,
and she just dragged me into these problems
that I don't think I deserved to be dragged into.
And then Keith dies, and it's like
she could have kept me out of it, and she just didn't.
I just think it's horrible of her, and I think that...
she doesn't care about me and she never did,
or something like that.
What a betrayal.
You thin-lipped, baby-killing,
under-funded pride parade!
You book-burning gas chamber with penis envy!
-Commie! -Fascist!
-Faggot!! -[ Gasps ]
Whore!
Well, that's all the time we have today
on "Open Fire with Charlie Reeny."
I'm Charlie Reeny reminding you
that the Second Amendment is never going away.
♪♪
Man: And we're out.
That was incredible. That's the most fun I've ever had in my life.
-You're a genius. -No, no, no.
Youare a genius.
Portia, is there anything that maybe you would like to add
that you think might be helpful for the jury to hear today?
Yes.
I would like to add...
that while I was coerced into burying the body,
I sensed in her no remorse.
She was hostile
and, to be frank, full of vitriol.
Wow. So very traumatic.
Your Honor, I -- I have no further questions.
Miss Davenport.
-Hi. -Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
Do you wear contact lenses?
I do.
And what is your prescription in each eye?
My left eye is a six,
and my right eye, I believe, is a seven.
Well, I'd like to do a little eye test with you.
-You want take me -- these out? -Yeah, take your contacts out.
Take your time. [ Both whispering indistinctly ]
-Okay. -Excuse me!
-No, shh! -Miss Diamond and Miss Sief,
you're distracting your own defense.
I am so sorry, Your Honor.
Um, Bob?
Oh. What?
I know, but...
[ Whispering ] I want you to sit down and rest,
and I'm gonna take over.
Okay.
I am so sorry for this disruption, everyone.
But I would just like to ask the court stenographer
if you could please read back Portia's earlier statement
regarding my client's behavior toward her
the night of the alleged burial.
Stenographer: "While I was coerced into burying the body,
I sensed in her no remorse. She was hostile
and, to be frank, full of vitriol."
Mm.
Mm. [ Smacking lips ]
That's -- That's a word.
I need to use that word more often.
Do you use that word a lot?
Yeah, I...
personally feel like it is just very important
as a woman to have a diverse vocabulary.
Would you be a dear and would you define it
for some of the members of the jury
who might not be very familiar with it?
Mm-hmm. I can.
It's, um...
Uh -- Well, it would be, like --
V-Vitriol, the definition of vitriol.
It is something that you are very full of.
It's a quality.
It's a -- And it's a negative quality.
Wow. Could you put it in a sentence for me?
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Um, let me think.
Uh, I have one.
Um, "Dory was full of vitriol."
Oh, new sentence, please.
Some people are always full of vitriol.
Mm, that's a suspiciously similar sentence.
You know, and it kind of makes me wonder
who would use a word like "vitriol."
Dare I say it was coached into you?
Is that true?
What? No. I don't know.
I didn't, like, come up with that word.
But I could tell you probably what it means.
This feels very mean!
Yeah, I would be interested to go back and see
how often in the transcript of your confession
with the police, did you come up with the details
or did the police get really creative?
Better question,
is your baby-blue existence in this courtroom
due to the fact that you were coerced by the police
into agreeing with the fabricated lies?
-Objection. -Sustained.
That's okay. Don't worry, Polly.
I'm finished, because it's clear to everyone in this courtroom
what's going on right about now.
[ Whispering ] You coached her.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
♪♪
[ Crunch, glass clinking ]
[ Whimpering ]
[ Screaming ]
Mom!
Help! Mommy!
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
[ Continues screaming ]
♪ Did I ♪
♪ Hear you screaming? ♪
Mommy, help me, please! Mommy! ♪ Did I see ♪
♪ You dancing? ♪
♪ Did you see ♪
♪ That boy crying? ♪
♪ I saw him ♪
♪ I'm not laughing ♪