[ Nasally ]
♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet, yeah, the sooo-- ♪
There's a warble in the mike.
Are you picking up on that?
Are you planning
on singing?
No, no, no, no.
I just want to be prepared
for all possibilities, so --
Hey! Oh, my God.
No, you're early!
This isn't what
it's gonna look like.
This is all
gonna be top shelf.
And there's gonna be
a water-bottle display
on each
of the three pillars,
and I've hired this woman
to literally walk around
and create small-talk.
I got some big news
for the both of us.
You ready for this?
-I don't know.
-Don't be scared.
-Okay.
-It's good.
-Okay.
"New York Magazine."
-No!
-Yes.
-Don't do that.
-I'm sorry.
But I pitched your idea
to these editors,
and they loved it,
so they want it ready
to print ASAP.
Oh, my God -- okay,
I've -- I'm blind.
You are?
-I can't see.
-Uh-oh, uh-oh.
I have too much work to do,
and I can't see. I'm kidding.
I can see, but I need to get
back to work right now.
-Go for it.
-Thank you so much.
Alanna, yeah, no.
Why are you touching the --
we said just touch
from the top.
When you touch anywhere lower,
we get fingerprints.
So just touch
from the top.
Nothing was stolen.
I mean,
nothing was even moved.
I just feel like
whoever made this note
must be
a professional, right?
Well, the way I see it
is you got two choices.
You, uh, you do what they say
and stop,
or you say screw those guys
and you keep digging.
Well, I mean,
I can't just stop.
Yeah.
All right,
that's my girl.
Should we check out
this cult?
I m-- I mean,
I already did that.
Yeah, but did you go
through their trash?
No.
Well, if you want to know
what somebody's up to,
you got to take a look at what
they're throwing away.
Mm, really?
Hey, that's the kid
from the fishing trip, huh?
Yeah, that was
the priest's son.
And who's that?
Uh, we used to be lovers.
Hey, Zack.
I'm gonna need you
to update it
to the most recent version
of the slide show
like I've asked you
anywhere between two
to four times, okay?
I need the original version
of the slide show
like I asked before!
I'm so sorry.
Uh, no.
We used to be
in a relationship,
and I'm just kind of back
in the single life
and it's been really hard.
-Me too.
I feel you.
Oh, so y-you're single.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Here we are --
two single men.
Mm.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, I have a big question
to ask you.
Okay, ask me.
Why this?
Why water?
Uh, wow.
Um, the political answer --
someone has to.
-Right.
-You know, someone has to.
Um, but the real answer
[Laughs]
if I'm being honest, um,
survivor's guilt.
Oh, right.
I was gonna ask about that.
Do you feel comfortable
talking about it?
Do I feel comfortable
talking about the moment
when my mom got the call
that her son had
stage-four lymphoma?
-Mm.
-Or when I found out
that my sophomore year
in high school
might be my last year
on Earth?
Yeah, no, I actually
do feel comfortable
talking about that.
What I would rather talk about
is the moment
where I realized that
I am not the only one in pain.
And fuck me for not
realizing it sooner.
Dina, do you think
you could, like, zhoosh it
a little bit more?
-Yeah.
'Cause I feel a little bit
like...krrkk, you know?
Hi, Dunky!
Uh, can we have a second?
-Sure.
-Bye.
What's up?
Really great scene
earlier.
-Thank you.
-You're killing it.
Um, remember
what I said earlier?
Garcia confronts
the serial killer?
Um, yeah.
I'm, like, so excited.
Well, uh, I just want you
to be ready
that when that happens,
Garcia dies.
What?
I'm s-- I'm sorry.
Did you just say
that I die?
It's just where the story
was going,
and I think
Kippy pitched it.
Kippy?!
And then
we were like, "Yes,"
and it just sort of
all came together.
It just made sense.
I just -- I'm sorry.
I thought I was, like,
an incredible actor.
Oh, you are.
It's just that the show
needs you to die.
[ Voice breaking ] Is there,
like, a SAG-AFTRA representative
who I can talk to?
Or, like, I just need
to write someone a letter,
or, like, can I have another
audition or something?
Like, is there anything
that I can do?
There's just --
there's no room
for a discussion
on this, Portia.
I'm sorry.
-[ Crying ]
Um, I'm just gonna
leave this here.
Ah, shit.
What do we do now?
How far
do you want to go?
[ Horn honks in distance ]
Do it, yeah.
[ Chain rattles ]
-Pia?
-Dory!
-Hi.
-You're back.
Yeah,
what are you doing here?
I'm so happy to see you.
Why are you, um, cleaning
the floor with a toothbrush?
I wanted to, for Edwin.
It's the least I could do.
Are you here
to see Brick?
No.
Actually, no.
I think I left my wallet here
last night,
so we just came by just to --
just to check.
We?
Dory, are you here
with someone else?
No. No, I am not.
No. I just --
I didn't mean to --
-[ Whistles, clicks tongue ]
-Who is that?
-Oh, okay.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Have a nice day!
Keith:
All right, come on, come on.
Edwin!
Brick!
They're taking our trash!
Go, go, go, go go!
we had a break-in
last night.
We wrote them in English
and Spanish, so...
You should get a weapon,
just in case.
I have a bat.
I have something
way better.
[ Classical music playing ]
-Mom.
-Oh!
I keep forgetting
you have your own key.
They're killing Garcia.
Who's Garcia?
My character
on "Surviving Essex."
Oh! I thought you were talking
about a real person.
No, Mom. Like, I don't get
to do the show anymore.
What did you do wrong?
I didn't do anything wrong.
They love me.
No, let's be real,
Portia.
If they liked you,
they would've kept you alive
and talking.
Mom, that's not how
television works, okay?
The creators have a story
that they have to tell,
and sometimes the kill
their most beloved
characters off
to keep people
entertained.
Well, if you're going
to defend them,
I don't know what position
you want me to take
in this matter.
I just came here 'cause I
thought you could give me,
like, a little sympathy.
Oh, boo hoo.
I mean, really, come on.
Your character didn't make
a lick of sense.
I mean, here you are,
this privileged white person
from the Upper West Side
playing an illegal immigrant
who somehow gets a job
with the NYPD?
I mean, you're basically
stealing
from the Latina
community.
You watched it.
Well...
This is starting to feel
a little useless.
You know, that's the thing
about P.I. work
is there's a lot
of dead ends.
And then you're sitting outside
in your car
for the 15th straight hour,
sick off deli coffee and...
you know, you want to give up,
thinking about how your dad
never forgave you
for not taking over
the family business,
and then boom -- it just
comes to you, you know?
You put it all together
and you figure out
how to find that scared
little girl
and bring her back home
to her family,
safe and sound.
And you remember why
you're doing it to begin with,
and that it's okay
to be a lone wolf.
That's a little cheesy.
Sorry.
No, no.
-Nah.
-That's great.
Yeah, I don't know.
You want another beer?
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
All right.
Here.
-Thanks.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Jesus.
Hey, why do you
even have a taser?
My aunt had it
when she thought her life
was in danger,
but she doesn't
need it anymore.
She's dead.
Could you not touch
all my crap?
What are you doing?
So I looked it up,
and the taser's worth $500,
so I'm either gonna take
one big thing
that's equal to that
or a bunch of small things
that add up to that.
Okay?
-No, you're not.
Okay? Can you just
take this back, then?
Because I actually
bought my stuff
'cause I like my stuff.
I don't like this.
Take this.
-No, we're already doing this.
-Okay.
How much is this?
It's cute.
Maybe I can wear it
to lunch next week
when I finally meet my dad.
Jesus.
Would you please put
that back, okay?
That's my girlfriend,
Dory's.
You don't
have to look away.
They're just human tits.
I know I don't
have to look away.
I just prefer not
to see your breasts.
[ Chuckles ]
Look. Turn around.
[ Sighs ]
So, who do you think
looks better,
me or your girlfriend?
I think that you both have
a certain charm.
Can you please
take that off?
-Okay.
-Jesus.
Woman: Our mission at Pour
is to provide clean and healthy
water for villages in Uganda.
With your help, we can change
the landscape of Africa
and leave a legacy
of life for tomorrow.
Because we all speak
the language of friendship.
Thank you in advance
for your support.
All: Thank you!
[ Applause ]
Thank you guys so much.
Whoa.
[ Giggles ]
Sorry.
It's like I've never been
on stage before.
[ Laughter ]
I have.
I have been on stage.
Don't make me list my credits,
um, I was Mack the Knife
on stage 13 years ago
in my high school production
of "Threepenny Opera", bitch.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, what I do want to say
is that when you take a sip
of water tonight,
I want you to feel
fucking guilty.
[ Laughter ]
In all seriousness,
we do need your help.
We really do.
We raised enough money
to get here, tonight,
but tonight-tonight, we need
to raise enough money
to make clean water
in Africa a reality.
Okay.
If you guys are with me,
let's do this.
Okay?
Invest in Pour.
Huh!
No!
That didn't count!
-That's in!
-No, that does not count!
That went in.
No, because your legs
crossed the line.
There's no line.
That's the whole point!
Yes!
-I don't see your line.
-Your legs crossed this one.
-I'm a renegade.
-No, it doesn't count.
All right, you want to, uh,
should we get back to it?
Yeah, sure.
So how long have you and this
Dory chick been together?
I don't know,
about three years.
Why?
What do you mean, "why"?
I do not see you two
together, dude.
Um...
I mean, like,
we're really good friends,
so we're really comfortable
with each other,
if that's what you mean.
Sounds like
you don't fuck.
No, we do.
Yeah, yeah.
We definitely do.
Not a lot lately, I guess,
'cause things have been
pretty stressful
around here, but, uh...
we do.
[ Grace Mitchell's
"Runaway" plays ]
♪ I see myself
in your hazy eyes ♪
♪ Hands on my side,
moves just like mine ♪
♪ I could feel you on my
shoulder, I could die ♪
I really like this song.
I like songs that take
you there, you know?
Yeah.
Wait, didn't you say
you found a piece
of a check earlier?
Can I see it?
-Yeah.
This one?
-Yeah.
TW Brownway.
I'm a head Realtor
at TW Brownway.
Wait, TW Brownway.
That's the company that
that crazy lady Lorraine
I was telling you about --
that's the company
that she worked for.
Huh.
Maybe she actually
did know something.
Yeah, no, no, no.
That's interesting.
TW Brownway is real estate,
so...
I don't know, maybe they own
the Bellow & Hare building?
Yeah, but then
why would TW Brownway
be sending a check
to the cult?
Shouldn't it be
the other way around?
[ Breathes in deeply ]
Ooh, you feel that?
Hairs on the back of your neck
standing up on end.
What does Dory do
to turn you on?
[ Sighs ]
Uh, I don't know.
Does she dance for you?
Yeah, like weddings.
Does she bite your lip?
No, but I understand
what you're talking about.
Does she sit on your big,
fat snake?
You're a nice guy.
I'm tired of not knowing
where all the nice guys are.
Yeah, I have a girlfriend,
so I can't, uh, do this.
So does everybody.
[ Sighs ]
You got to go.
I've never been more
disrespected in my life.
[ Music continues ]
-This is crazy, right?
-Yeah.
-This is -- this is really good.
-Yeah.
You don't think it's just,
like, a coincidence, right?
No, no.
You do this stuff long enough,
you realize there's no such
thing as coincidence.
In fact,
you know what I think?
What?
Shit, I'm gonna get myself
in trouble here.
No, why?
I just can't stop
looking at you.
Oh.
♪ What if we just
want to dance? ♪
I just find you stunning.
If you knew all the things
I want to do to you
right now...
[ Sighs ]
♪ What if we want to dance? ♪
♪ Nothing else matters,
anyway ♪
-You like that?
-Oh.
Me and my buddies
all got it.
I can't tell you what
it means, though,
'cause, you know,
we took an oath.
No, you don't have to tell me.
It's okay.
So sexy.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Oh.
Oh, shit.
I got to take this.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, huh?
Oh, Goddamn it.
That was today?
Oh, well,
isn't that perfect?
You know what, though?
Steven is not her father.
No -- hey!
Calm the fuck down!
Hello?
God!
[ Sighs ]
Really sorry about that.
-Oh.
You know,
that's not the way
that I wanted to, you know,
tell you --
I-Is everything okay?
-No, it's my ex-wife.
-Oh, right.
I have a daughter,
Caitlin. Mm.
Here, I got a picture
of her on here.
It's a while ago.
They grow up really fast.
Yeah, she's beautiful.
Yeah.
It was the only good thing
to come out of the marriage.
Right.
Just, divorce sucks.
-Yeah.
-It's the worst.
No.
I get it, you know?
[ Sighs ]
You know you make me feel
like the kind of man
I want to be?
You do.
I mean that.
Yeah.
I probably shouldn't even
say this so directly,
but, you know, I really think
I'm falling for you.
-Wow.
-I know, I know -- hey.
That's quick.
-No --
I know, I know.
-Yeah, yeah.
It's very -- it's very soon,
you know?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But you don't have
to say anything.
-Okay, I won't. No, I won't.
-Don't say anything.
-You just let that marinate.
-Okay.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
You want to join me
in the shower?
-No, I'm okay, actually.
-You sure?
I think I'm just gonna,
like, chill here
and look at my phone.
-Okay.
-Yep.
Oh, hey. You know, I was
thinking, TW Brownway --
they cut rebate checks
for taxes,
so it's possible that could
be a coincidence,
but I think we should check it
out anyway.
Yeah, sure.
You sure
you don't want to join?
I got
a real nice body wash.
Smells like grapes.
♪♪
[ Keys clatter ]
-Hey.
Uh, neighbor came over earlier,
gave us a taser.
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, you think it'd be good
for us to have this, right?
You know,
so I can protect us.
Yeah.
Um, so I ordered
some Brooklyn Soul.
I wasn't sure
if you're hungry.
Oh.
If you want any,
it should be here soon.
That was nice of you.
Uh, yeah, I just kind of
want to take a shower
and get into my PJs,
you know?
-Okay, yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dory, I got
to tell you something.
Um, okay, so,
you know the neighbor
came over with the taser.
Um, and I didn't
invite her over
or anything like that.
She just came and was,
like, hanging out,
and then one thing
led to another
and she put on some music,
and, uh, she started
dancing.
You know,
like sexy dancing.
Okay.
And that was it.
I mean, she put on the music,
and then started, like,
moving around the living room
with her hips
and stuff like that,
and she, you know,
came close to me,
but then when I started to
realize what had happened,
I stopped the music
and I kicked her out.
And that's it.
There was no kissing
or anything --
anything like that.
It was just that --
dancing and then she's out.
[ Crying ]
Oh, my God.
Dory, are you upset?
No.
Hey, hey, look.
I'm so sorry.
Nothing happened.
I promise.
No, I know.
It's okay.
I am so sorry.
I swear, I would never do
anything to hurt you.
I'm so sorry.
I messed up.
I'm just tired.
I'm just really tired.
Are you sure?
I promise you.
You can tell me
if you're mad at me.
It's okay.
I understand.
Baby, I'm sorry.
-I'm just tired.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
So what's next for the great
Elliott Goss?
[ Sighs ] You know, I just want
to be good to myself.
You know, maybe drink
a little too much tonight,
find a heated pool,
invite a friend.
You want me
to be your friend?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Well, one last question.
Mm.
Um, you said in your sophomore
year of high school,
you developed cancer,
right?
Mm-hmm.
It was like --
it was like 15?
-15, yeah.
-Oh, my gosh.
I am still trying to wrap
my head around the fact
that you were bedridden
with stage-four lymphoma
while playing the physically
challenging lead role
of Mack the Knife.
Okay, so --
so I was 16.
You were 16.
-16.
-Oh, my gosh.
-Always switch those two.
-Totally understand.
Well, I'm just going
to write that down
and check in with your
family, your friends,
and your doctors
just to make sure
that everything
is squared away.
You know, like the truth.
Hmm.
[ Chuckles ]
'Cause I feel
that our readers
are gonna want to know
who you really are.
I have to go
to the bathroom.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's right over there.
Yeah, I'm gonna pop out,
but you hang out.
-Thanks.
-And I'll be right back.
-Do you want another one?
-Yes.
I would love one.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
[ Breathing heavily ]
♪♪