You put everything you've got into your children.
You teach them, you nurture them,
you shepherd them along life's winding path.
But what if, after all that,
they grow up to be morons?
- _ - Okay, everyone, if we have any hope
of selling the minivan,
we got to clean it up.
That means getting rid of all the stains and smells.
Ooof!
That is 10 years of old milk and farts right there.
Why do we have to sell it?
Because it's a rite of passage.
Minivans are for families with little kids.
The Ottos are entering a new era.
Taylor can drive, Oliver gets his permit this year...
And you're old enough to squeeze in between these two
if we ever go on that camping trip
that I'm never, ever going to sign off on.
I'm gonna miss this thing.
You're going to miss it?
Yeah. It means a lot to me.
The day you guys brought it home was the day
I decided to go to Harvard so I could become rich
and never have to drive this symbol
of middle-class mediocrity.
I love and I hate it, so thank you and also how dare you.
I'm gonna miss this thing, too.
Every spill and stain has a memory.
Here is where Oliver threw up his Cheerios
when he was 5.
They were actually Toasted O's,
the generic ones.
That's when we realized he was allergic to off-brand foods.
I used to love looking in the back seat
and seeing those three little heads bobbing around.
I spy with my little eye...
something red.
I'll give you a hint.
- A fire truck! - A red noise!
Every time you talk about the past, you make a point
of saying you look exactly like Alessandra Ambrosio.
I like to tell the story accurately, Greg.
I miss when you were such cute, squishy, little babies.
But now I look at you, I just see free labor.
Get to work.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
I have great news for you guys.
Hmm?
Anna-Kat has been officially sprung
from the looney bin.
Excuse me?
The looney bin.
The quacky factory.
Anna-Kat no longer has to attend
Dr. Ellie's Special Ed class.
That is good news.
Is there a less offensive way to say that?
I don't think so, no.
Anna-Kat's OCD has really improved.
She's ready to be with everyone all day.
We're happy to hear that,
but we're also concerned it might be a tad premature.
- We are? - Yes, we are.
Principal Ablin, are you sure that she's ready?
This summer,
she watched that John Goodman bomb shelter movie
and turned her entire closet into a doomsday bunker.
Privet?
Anna-Kat? Privet?
On the plus side,
Mikhail said we have a place to stay
- if we ever make it to St. Petersburg. - ‭Yeah.
Anna-Kat might not be ready for this.
You said it was a new era, and that's exactly what she started.
But what if she's not ready for the new era?
Like the dinosaurs and the Ice Age.
A meteor killed the dinosaurs.
Don't science me, Greg.
Katie, we moved to this town so she could get
the special help she needed, and it worked.
This is a good thing.
But I liked that Dr. Ellie was an extra pair of eyes on her,
and if she slipped off the rails,
she was right there to put her back on.
When you start a new era, things are bound to change.
So you're saying I should calm down?
No, I've learned to avoid your trigger phrases...
"Calm down," "You're overreacting,"
"Really? I thought she was nice."
Aww. You've just about got the hang of me.
Anna-Kat?
We have some good news for you.
You have officially graduated from Dr. Ellie's class.
Really?!
Wow!
We're pretty sure you're ready for this.
I mean, there's no way for us to really know
if you're ready. Unless you're not ready.
But you're ready.
- Maybe. - Rutabaga.
What does that mean?
It's a code your mom and I have for
when I think she's being a bad parent.
- Ugh. - You hear that, Franklin?
I got sprung from Dr. Ellie's class.
Why?
Well, Dr. Ellie's class is for Special Education,
and I guess they think I'm better.
Special Education? I thought it was Home Ec.
Why did you think it was Home Ec?
It's a long story.
My mom told me it was Home Ec.
I guess it wasn't a long story.
Is Taylor helping you guys clean?
Yeah, I'm out here washing the back.
Oh.
Taylor! Stop!
You can't use scouring powder on a car!
Why? Everything's coming off.
Including the paint!
Taylor, I swear...
No, you know what? Katie, this one is on us.
She's 18 years old, and apparently, we've taught her no common sense.
You're right. When your child
is a year away from leaving home and is this clueless,
the only ones to blame are the parents.
Oh, good. So I'm not in trouble.
Should I keep going?
I had one glass of wine in my third trimester,
and here we are.
We took our eyes off of our oldest
for half an hour, and this is what happens.
Who knows what trouble Anna-Kat will get into
without someone looking after her.
Anna-Kat is gonna be fine.
The more pressing matter is Taylor.
She just knocked $1,200 off the value of a $1,500 car.
You're right. If we are gonna move into a new era,
then we need to make sure she does, too.
We should make a list of the things
she needs to know to be a fully functioning
- person in the world. - Yeah.
- Just off the top of my head... - Mm-hmm.
- I would say do laundry. - Mm-hmm.
- Unclog a toilet. - Mm-hmm.
Sew on a button...
How to shake out your hair after taking off a motorcycle helmet.
What? It's important.
Shake, shake, turn, wink.
We might have failed Taylor until now,
but it's not too late to get her on track.
We blew this assignment off for way too many years.
It's time to cram.
Follow my lead, Greg.
This is where people who half-assed
their waythrough college shine.
Anna-Kat, I am so proud of you
for graduating Dr. Ellie's class.
And to honor the occasion, I got you a present.
I love it.
Now whenever you check the time, you'll think of me.
I will always be with you.
Does it do anything else,
like text or go on the Internet?
No. Just a watch to remind you of Mommy.
So it's a watch that only tells time?
And a fond reminder of Mommy.
Alright.
See you guys at my ballet recital.
Where are you going? We're all driving together.
I'm never riding in that thing again.
Before, it was embarrassing, but now we're no better
than that guy who sells empanadas out of his trunk.
Oh, they're so good. His abuela makes them.
Let's go. We're gonna be late.
Uh, where are my bravo flowers?
Your what?
My bravo flowers.
The flowers you throw on stage to me when you shout "Bravo."
It was in the e-mail I sent you
about what to do at my performance.
It was right under "Don't wear pajamas."
Yeah, well, I have you set up to go straight to junk mail.
Mom, the Fairfield Gazette is gonna be there.
A real review is important for my college portfolio.
So I'm riding my bike and I'm picking up my own bouquet
with a high rose-to-baby's-breath ratio.
We are not bringing snotty Oliver into the new era.
I thought he'd grow out of it, but he's only getting worse.
I guess the dangers of eating sushi in your second trimester
wasn't just an old wives' tale.
You never read any of those pregnancy books I gave you.
Of course not, Greg.
Oliver's recital starts in 10 minutes,
and he's still not here yet.
Do you have those empanadas with the raisins today?
We're not that guy.
So, Oliver is going to miss his own recital
because he's a snob.
He better be lying in a ditch somewhere.
It's a saying.
You okay?
Yeah, I just lost my balance. I'm a little banged up.
Can I give you a ride somewhere?
No, thanks. I'll wait for a Mercedes
or better to drive by.
This is no big deal.
I'm gonna walk this thing off and get back to ballet ASAP.
Honey, the doctor said you tore your ACL.
You can't dance for six to eight months.
If I miss ballet recruitment season,
I'll never get into Harvard.
I'll just pop my knee back into place.
Dad, give me your wallet to bite down on.
Never mind. It's probably pleather. I'll just gut it out.
Honey, I'm so sorry,
but you're going to have to put ballet
on the back burner for a while.
There are other extracurricular activities you can do
that'll help you get into Harvard.
All you need is a plan B.
But I put so much time into ballet.
What am I gonna do now?
You'll figure it out.
You can do this. You're an Otto!
You're right. I am an Otto.
There you go.
Look at you, leaving the old Oliver behind
and coming into the new era.
My whole life, I've been living with the deficit
of being born into this family,
and yet I thrive.
I'm like one of those Brazilian orphans
who was raised in a landfill and starts his own shoe company.
You're about to be one of those kids in a coma
with a mother in jail.
Maybe we can add "Fixing Oliver" to Taylor's list.
No, we have to do it ourselves.
But we suck at it.
It's like when we tried to sleep-train Anna-Kat
and you ended up crashing in her crib every night.
That "Wonder Pets" mobile was hypnotic,
and I can't believe you're bringing that up right now!
You're right.
We can't turn on each other.
United front.
What's this?
It's a list of all the things you need to learn how to do
before you move out of the house.
Is this a joke?!
"How to light a pilot light. How to reset a fuse box.
How to defrost a freezer"?!
You will learn to become self-sufficient.
I am not doing this.
That is your choice.
But if this list isn't done
by the night of your senior prom,
then you're staying home with me
and watching "Dirty Dancing."
I told you before, I refuse to watch that.
I don't like movies from the 1880s.
1980s.
Same thing!
This is so unfair! This list is huge!
I'll never be able to get it done in a year!
It's too much! I'm totally screwed!
Oh, honey. It's okay.
Yeah, we can... take some things off.
Ha! Number 12...
"How to cry to get out of stuff."
I don't need this list, dudes. I'm good.
That's 1 of 78, Taylor!
That may fly on your math test, but not here!
We're struggling a bit with Taylor and Oliver,
so I am not going to take my eye off Anna-Kat.
Angela, thank you for the watch.
My pleasure.
What watch?
How come this is the first I'm hearing about a watch?
You were there when we discussed it.
You said it was a great idea.
Oh, I have got to stop taking Ambien.
I'm losing half of my life!
Once again,
I lent Katie a spy watch that listens in on you
that an ex gave me.
Why would an ex give you that?
We went over that, too.
- Oh, wait, I remember. Ah! - Mm.
You were cheating with that woman
who stole your identity, then bought
that bed-and-breakfast in Belize with your credit card.
Barb.
I'm happy Anna-Kat moved on from Dr. Ellie's,
but if I can't have an extra pair of eyes on her,
at least I can have an extra pair of ears.
Okay, Franklin,
would you rather eat monkey brains or a cow's heart?
I'd rather eat a worm.
That wasn't one of the choices.
I know, but I've been trying to find
a good time to tell you that I sometimes eat worms.
Okay. Nothing to worry about yet.
Two nights ago, I woke up at a poker table at the Mohegan Sun,
and I have no idea how I got there.
- I might have a problem. - Yeah.
Hey, where'd you get that watch?
My mom gave it to me
when I graduated from Dr. Ellie's class.
It's a spy watch.
She can hear everything we're saying.
How do you know?
My mom put one on me last year when she found out
I was crawling through our neighbor's doggie door
to use their steam shower.
It's a small detail that can really add value to a house.
I can't believe it.
She doesn't think I'm okay on my own.
Well, I'll show her.
So, what are we thinking?
Catfish her, trick her to flying to Indiana?
No. I'm just gonna mess with her head.
Look at you, being all normal.
They were right to spring you from Special Ed.
I'm proud of you, kid.
- What's for breakfast? - Eggs.
Yum! I'll have scrambled.
Look at number 20 on your list.
Mm. I lost the list.
Mm.
You made copies?
Double-sided.
And laminated.
Oh, look! I'm dipping it in my coffee.
Yes, you're really getting your money's worth
out of your laminator.
And if I ever need to return it...
I have the receipt.
Laminated.
Okay.
Number 20... how to cook an egg.
Easy.
Oh, there you go.
- Stop! - Stop!
Bon appetite.
These aren't edible.
It's an egg, it's cooked. It counts.
Mark it off the list.
Boom!
When is she going to learn
that she can't be a screw-up her whole life?
I'm going to edit the list.
I'm going to make it "Cook an edible egg."
Mm.
Oh. This is Oliver's computer.
While I'm here, I might as well take a look around.
How do you know his password?
Stop it.
_
Oh, no.
- Oh, my God. - ‭Okay.
Really?
Leave it to Oliver to create
our very own Otto family college admissions scandal.
I'd feel better about this new Otto era
if we were going into it with different kids.
Looking for this?
Hey, gimme that!
We saw your little Photoshop project.
Oliver, you're not cheating your way into Harvard.
You know, it's the parents
who end up going to jail in these scandals.
Yeah, but, Mom, think about it.
In prison, no kids, you have your own sink,
they do laundry for you.
And you still look pretty good.
I bet you'd fetch quite the prison wife.
He's not wrong.
Guys, I'm a sophomore. I'm out of time.
I have to cut corners.
We really believed you when you said
you were picking yourself up off the mat
and finding another path.
I was, but then I realized
it's not possible to start over now.
You still have excellent grades.
That's not enough anymore.
God, you're so old!
You have to have a 4.8 GPA, play six sports,
and discover a new language
to get into a decent college these days.
We are not going to let you cheat your way into college!
I guess I'll just have a horrible life.
Go to Cornell, make low six figures,
and join a country club where I'll only have a social membership
because I can't afford golf and tennis privileges.
If you think that's a horrible life,
then you have no idea what a horrible life is.
You should go to a homeless shelter someday
and see how those people have to live.
Not someday... today.
You are gonna get your snobby ass
down to a homeless shelter and get some perspective.
And you're going in the minivan.
What are you doing now?
I'm having a nice moment with my mind family.
We're all wearing clothes that fit
and celebrating each other's ambitions.
Ugh!
- Hey, Franklin. Knock-knock. - Who's there?
Your smelly butt.
Never not funny.
I'm still not comfortable with you spying on Anna-Kat.
Well, I'm not comfortable with your new black underpants.
I can wash them with my jeans!
Hey, did you bring that beer
I told you to swipe from your house?
Yeah, I got it.
Did you steal that money from your mom for cigarettes?
Uh-huh. We can go out
to the woods after school tomorrow
and try them.
And the janitor's gonna meet us there, right?
Of course.
He said we could take a ride in his van afterwards, too.
We need to talk.
Yes, we do.
We have a few questions for you.
What a coincidence.
I have some questions for you, as well.
I was sure we had the upper hand in this conversation,
but it really doesn't feel that way.
So, do you guys want to continue this conversation face-to-face,
or should I just talk into my watch?!
Damn!
Why would you guys do that?
Don't you trust me?
Oh, honey, it has nothing to do with trust.
We're just worried there's less people
to keep an eye on you now.
Mom, Dad...
I realize that me moving on from Dr. Ellie's class
isn't just a big change for me.
It's a big change for you, too.
But I can't let your worries hold me back.
Do you want that?
- No. - No.
If you ever feel these worries again,
I want you both to come to me, and we can work it out.
No more tricks, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have Google
translate the word "booger" into several languages.
Wow.
She just brought us into her new era.
You can cross two more things off your list.
I drove Oliver to the homeless shelter,
so I learned how to put others before myself,
and I let a hobo braid my hair.
Write that on the list and then just cross it off.
So...
how did it go at the shelter?
You were right. Going down there really opened my eyes.
To the fact that you're extremely fortunate
and other people have harder lives than you?
You're funny. No.
I learned the way I'm gonna get into Harvard
is by doing a ton of community service.
I'm gonna trick them into thinking I'm a good person.
I'm back on track, baby.
My dilemma is which one to choose.
Big Brothers, Meals on Wheels,
Habitat for Humanity.
I just have to pick the one with the most prestige
and takes the least effort.
Well, I guess, for the moment,
you doing the right thing for the wrong reasons
is the best we can hope for.
It really is, guys.
- Okay. Hmm. - ‭Alright.
I decided to knock a bunch of things
off your dumb list all at once.
Number 40...
"Take responsibility for your own actions."
I messed up the minivan, so I fixed it.
That's great!
How?
I called a bunch of auto body shops,
and I found the cheapest one.
Number 17... "Be frugal."
And I also figured out
how to get that gross smell out of there.
Number 5... "Take initiative."
Wow, Taylor. We're very impressed.
How did you get rid of the smell?
That stank was in there, man.
I lit those scented candles you got from work.
You... put lit candles in the car?
Yeah. And they're still going.
It's been about three hours.
Number 77... "Learn to tell time."
Oh, no, no, no!
- No! No! ‭- Taylor, what did you do?!
Taylor!
Some people charge into the new era.
Some slowly limp forward.
Some may never get there.
This is so bad.
I've got to make a real change.
I have to stop being such a screw-up.
Then again, maybe they will.
I'm... here to check on the minivan for sale.
There is some wiggle room on the price.
Well, I just finalized the minivan sale.
250 bucks.
That's all we got for it?
"We"? That's what I paid the guy to haul away that piece of crap.
I still remember the day we brought it home.
Mom!
Mommy!
That's... not how I remember it.
Mom!
Mommy!
Wait.
So, in your version, you look like Alex Landi?
I like to tell a story accurately.
- I love you. - I love you, too, sweetie.