[opening theme music playing]
♪ Hey! ♪
Wait, who the hell are you?
-I'm Bean. -Okay, highly unlikely, smartass.
Well, I mean to say that I'm Bean, as well.
-No, I'm Bean. -No, I'm Bean.
Look, I'm the one and only Bean.
[gasps] So self-centered.
Okay, screw you, uh, and your tacky red room.
Angry, too, I like it.
[blows] Is that better?
All right, tell me who you really are before I slam your nose off.
Well, I'm Queen Tiabeanie Mariabeanie De La Rochambeaux Drunkowitz.
[Bean 1] Well, then why are you dressed up like Dagmar?
I'm not. I'm you.
Well, the dream-time you.
I hide inside your head and come out when you fall asleep
or pass out drunk or snooze till noon.
I'm that little voice whispering,
"Have a fifth beer, Bean." And, "Have a sixth beer, Bean."
And, "Steal Grandma's gold tooth and drive Dad crazy!"
All right. I already have a demon that does all of that.
Well, lucky you.
I mean, who else has two bad influences?
Okay, you're Bad Bean.
I'm going to call you Bad Bean.
We're both "Bad Bean," babe, but I'm way more than that.
I know all your dirty, dark secrets and your stupid, neurotic ones
that you just go on and on about.
I know what turns you on, Bean.
I happen to know that little miss Bean likes her neck nuzzled… a lot.
I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure everybody likes their neck nuzzled.
[scoffs] If I were to show you the analytics
of how much you fantasize about it…
All right, what are analytics?
If you didn't think about neck nuzzling so much,
you'd know what analytics were, Bean!
[scoffs] And I also know where you hide the muffins.
You know what--
Also, I'm just going to say that
the muffins, they're not hidden, all right?
Like, I happen to have guests over sometimes.
And so I have muffins around and available like a good host.
Yeah, sometimes I eat them all. But don't shame me.
Enough with your spinning.
You need to get a hold of yourself.
-Listen, there's something I want, too. -[groans]
I'm not just here for fun, okay?
We've got a curse to get rid of.
Oh, "a curse." [laughs] Is there, like, a bunch of people coming in,
'cause it seems like there's just a curse a day.
Which one we talking about today?
We'll figure this out together.
Just know, the whole time, I'm going to be watching you.
I'm gonna be guiding you, and I'm gonna be pushing you.
[screaming]
[all gasping]
I can't believe I got murdered in my own dream.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Pump the brakes. Who killed you? -Me.
I mean, at least she looked like me, and talked like me, and had my moves down.
-Sounds like you. -Her name is Bad Bean.
Sounds like you.
According to this, you don't wanna mess with murdering yourself in dreams.
Why not?
You might get stuck in the dream world forever.
Happened of my evil twin, Guci.
Guci? Well, you're the evil twin if you ask me.
[laughs]
-Oh, burn. -Such impertinence.
I ought to slap you with my gentleman's glove. [exclaims]
Ow! What the hell kind of gentlemen's glove is that?
The kind filled with gravel.
Now, as I was saying, Guci is the evil twin,
while I, Luci, am the eviler twin, capisce?
And…
[scatting]
-Quit clowning around, boys. -[laughs]
Give me that tea.
Nobody murders me and gets away with it.
Okay, take it easy.
-This is strong stuff. -[sniffs]
You gotta sip slowly, daintily.
[Bean glugging]
-[sighs] -Or glugging is good.
-Mmm… -Aw!
How come everybody else gets to solve their murders but me?
Yeah, but you're just so killable.
[ominous music playing]
Bad Bean…
Where are you?
I just… I wanted to show you something.
I made you something.
Bad Bean.
Oh, there you are. Hi.
You're looking good tonight.
Well, you're saying that 'cause you look exactly like me.
If I were you, I'd take a compliment where I could get one.
If you're really me, tell me something only I would know.
A mermaid's kiss tastes like mango and tide pool.
Huh. Okay.
My, what a big sword you have!
I love it when you're mad.
Now, before you rush at me, I just want to remind you
that I'm as fast as you are.
[grunting]
Oh, no.
-[gasps] -Whoa, that was fast.
Did you die again like a chump?
Right through the trapdoor. Damn it.
Mmm, how humiliating.
And I went over the waterfall in a globe.
I'm going back. More tea, Mop Girl. Come on.
-Don't do it, Bean. Dreams are tricky. -Shut up, Luci.
I'm Guci… or am I?
Sometimes I don't even know anymore.
Or do I?
Or don't I?
Or do I?
What were you saying? Who's talking?
Who am I talking to?
Who am I anymore?
God, I miss Guci… or Luci.
There's no escaping this conversation.
Or is there?
[glugging]
[chokes]
Hot!
[sighs]
[ominous music playing]
[bell tolling]
[wind howling]
Whoa!
Whoopsie. You dropped something.
Oh, come on.
[gasps]
No blood. Both ears.
More tea. Come on. I'm going back in.
We're out of tea. I'll put a kettle on.
Hurry up, Bunty.
First, can I fluff your pillow?
It's a bit damp from your sleep sweats.
-Tea, go! -Oh, my.
When the revolution comes,
we'll hang her with our own intestines, we will.
Oh, Derek and Bear Boy and Freckles,
Daddy's here.
Are you sleepin'? Huh?
Well, wake up 'cause I wanna tuck you in
and tell you some of the scariest fairytales you ever heard.
Hmm? Hmm.
What the hell is this? A note?
"Dear, Pops…" Aw!
"Don't get mad but me and Bear Boy and Freckles did something real bad
and I can't tell you what it is, but it involved killing a guy."
"So we decided to run away, and we're never coming back."
"So, I guess this is goodbye forever."
"Goodbye forever, Derek."
"PS: Snarla says, 'Screw you,'
and Freckles and Bear Boy both say, 'So long, fatso.'"
"So long, fatso"?
Why you… Screw you!
Why you little…
[grunting]
Lookee here, they ran away.
They didn't even leave a note.
Well, they left the note, but still!
All right, right now I'm dealing with some pretty heavy dream stuff, Dad.
They won't get away with this.
I'll track 'em down. Yeah!
Dad, I need your help.
The elf still botherin' you? We could always off him.
-Oh, hi, Elfo. -What?
No, Dad, listen, okay?
I've got a bad Bean inside my head
and when I go to sleep, she murders me for no reason.
Welcome to Dreamland, baby.
When you close your eyes, anything can happen.
Why don't we just run away?
Like Derek? Nah, you can't run away.
Someone always drags you back.
-What a nightmare. -Not always.
I got a nice recurrent dream about a little black kitty named Guci.
He brings me cornbread.
It sure does taste funny.
But what about Bad Bean?
Your very own doppelganger. Wow!
My little girl's growing up.
What should I do, Dad?
More like what should you shouldn't do, Bean?
Just don't let your evil twin there give you the old switcheroo.
-What? -Okay, bye.
I'll be back in a day or two.
Oh! [grunts]
Uh, just out for my morning snoop. [chuckles]
-[grunts] -Ah, just the schlump I wanted to see.
We're going huntin', Odval.
And what exactly are we hunting for, Your Impulsiveness?
My three sons of bitches.
Oh, yes. That would explain the nets.
-Hyah! -[horse neighs]
[Odval] Ooh!
Oh, boy. A purloined wagon,
a barrel of stolen cookies, a flask I found in the street.
We're well provisioned outlaws on the lam!
Ah, I'm sick of starting new lives.
This is twice in one week.
We're going someplace where we can have adventures,
and bonding and secret adolescent experiments.
Well, I can't have no more adventures in that Enchanted Forest, yeah?
I'm wanted on five counts of everything.
Say, fellas, I heard of a place that's so exciting,
we're all going to have heart attacks.
-Excellent! -I'd like to have a heart attack.
Let's head north, you dopes. Hyah!
[laughs] Ow!
[Freckles singing] ♪ La, la, la, la… ♪
Sir, look at the sign.
The elves are up to something.
How do you figure?
-[indistinct chatter] -[Odval sighs]
Pipe down, you numbnuts.
Welcome to the first meeting of the Elf-Trøg Neighborhood Association.
I'd like to introduce our head of Elf Intelligence, Braino.
-[scattered applause] -Here's what we don't know so far.
We don't know if the humans know much about our history.
Because, of course, we ourselves don't know much about our history.
Only that the answer might lie below the castle
where some kind of crazy hoo-ha took place long ago.
Possibly over a screwier mystery even deeper underground.
The depth of our ignorance is something we also don't know.
Possibly bottomless.
Thank you.
Ah, this is a waste of time.
They know even less than I do.
-And you're an ignoranus. -Why, you…
Uh, thank you, Braino.
-How much do we pay you? -You don't want to know.
Now on to what we do want to know, Hencho…
For centuries we Trøgs have protected the secret goo.
But Tiabeanie has been given a taste.
Then we took it away.
She'll have to come to us for more.
Thank you, Enablo.
For it is only with this goo that she can defeat our most feared enemy.
You mean that escaped circus ostrich who put his head down the hole?
-No. -You mean doors with high knobs?
Yes, but no.
I mean Dagmar.
[all exclaiming]
[gripping instrumental music playing]
[Zøg] Odval, why does everything I love run away?
[Odval] Perhaps you don't chain them up tight enough, sire.
[eerie music playing]
Ready or not, here I come.
Wait. No, it's too risky.
-Why can't you just get a lobotomy? -[thuds]
[Bean snoring]
[gasps]
What, are you gonna chop off my head this time?
No, not this time.
Also, your hair's messed up. You slept on it funny.
Look, I've just been trying to get to know you one on one.
Being inside your head all this time was really crazy making.
[Bean] Yeah, tell me about it.
Come on, let's team up.
Team Bean!
I mean, it rhymes. Together, we can beat the curse.
"Team Bean" doesn't rhyme, and how do I know you won't kill me?
You know what, Bean, I'm sorry I insulted you
'cause your hair looks like a haystack.
But I'm not gonna kill you.
If you're gone, I don't exist.
All right, then give me the sword.
-Don't throw it. -There you go.
Now, let's take a little stroll, shall we?
Hmm?
Yoo-hoo! Sleepin' suckers.
Wake up!
[siren sounds]
[Freckles] Welcome to Steamland, you douchebags.
[Bear Boy and Derek] Wow!
Behold the city of lights and taffy and budget massage parlors.
I've never seen so many phallic objects.
[all] Ooh!
[eerie music playing]
You were so right to let me make you go all paranoid.
I knew it. I told people I was being controlled by unseen forces
putting thoughts into my head, and nobody believed me.
Lots of people would like to take over this castle.
Some are within these walls, some are Odval.
The rest are out here.
Oh, no.
Welcome to Dreamland, Doomsday edition.
[Bean 1] Is this real?
[Bean 2] It will be if you don't do something about it.
I already have Elfo and Luci to help me with that.
Those two couldn't fight Vip and Vap out of a wet paper booze bag.
How come you know so much and I don't?
Unlike you, I suppress nothing.
I make to-do lists, I exercise, I meditate, and I put it all together.
I'm the repository of everything you've ever seen or heard
since the day you were born.
So naturally, I'm way smarter.
Well, at least I don't live in a stupid person's head… Checkers. [chuckles]
I think you mean, "Checkmate," dumbass.
Look, Bean, I brung you here because you need to be ready,
and that means unleashing your secret power.
But what's my secret power?
Um, maybe the thing where giant sparks shoot out of your hands?
But I don't even know what I'm doing.
And it doesn't work, it just happens sometimes.
It never "just happens," okay?
Let me show you something.
Okay, aim for the seagull up there.
No way.
[crackling]
[squawks]
Bonus points for Dad's fat head.
Whoa! How did you make me do that?
Just fill your heart with hate. Super fun.
Let's see… What makes you angry?
I don't know.
Guys who try to marry me, weak drinks, people who tell me their problems.
Yeah, go on.
Loud chewing, walking behind slowpokes…
Lousy Dreamland Ditchweed, squirrel jokes!
Come on. What really pisses you off?
Damp towels, Bunty's radical blatherings.
Oh, man! Chocolate chip cookies that turn out to be oatmeal raisin cookies.
Oh, being told, "Calm down, Bean."
I will not calm down because I'm already calm!
Mom and her tacky thigh-high stiletto boots.
[laughs] What about everyone who hurt you,
-who betrayed you… -[crackling]
…who laughed at you when you made your address?
-Yeah. -Don't forget about the damn patriarchy!
The whole system's rigged!
And it should be burned to the ground.
Blast the castle.
-[thuds] -[gasps]
We're sick of being responsible for you dopes.
And not just Turbish.
We'd be free if all of you were dead.
Oh, my God. You want to destroy Dreamland.
Great. The slow thinker has an epiphany.
I think I know what that means.
If you weren't drunk all the time,
I'd have gotten you to do what I wanted by now.
That's why I brang you here,
'cause you're too stupid to do anything on your own.
You sound just like Mom.
Dagmar needs you, I don't.
But you said we were the "Bean Team."
I lied. I lie all the time.
Oh, guess what? I'm lying right now.
Truth is, I'm a fully functioning consciousness, Bean.
All I need to do is kill the part of us I don't like.
And then I can occupy your body
without all these petty things that hold us back
like love and friendship, and the desire to bathe.
Wow, my brain's hardcore.
[sighs]
-[both grunting] -[dramatic music playing]
You punch like an inner child.
Internalize this.
Ow! God damn it.
[grunts]
Face it, you always knew you were going to die this way…
Alone, unarmed,
and un-loved.
There's no love for you.
[yells]
[laughs] Ow!
Thank you.
Buh-bye.
Um… What?
-[both gasp] -I was not just smelling your neck.
It worked.
Get away from me, you little freak.
I mean, give me a hug, Elfo.
Really? Are you high?
Mmm. [chuckles]
[groans] Easy there, big fella.
Okay, enough.
Are you okay, Bean?
-Was Bad Bean devious? -Yeah, of course she was.
-Did she try to manipulate you? -[Bean] Yes.
-But you defeated her, right? -No more questions, peewee.
I mean, cool dude.
[chuckles] Aw!
[Luci] Hmm…
Oh, no, I gotta get out of this dream.
[ominous music playing]
Wake up, me. Wake up!
What?
Guys! Hey, guys, it's me.
I'm stuck in this dream.
Come on. I'm over here. Look at me. Come here.
I'm in control now.
All we have to do is wait.
What are you looking at, Bean?
No, that's Bad Bean. She's pretending to be me.
Look, now she's imitating me so you think I'm her reflection.
What are you doing?
I'm tired of this mirror. It irritates me.
I'm afraid it's not the mirror, Bean.
Look, we all struggle with body issues.
I've tried pounding on the mirror, too, but it's no use.
I'm still a seven.
Please, I need a moment.
Everybody out.
I'll meet you in the hall. Now!
I just need a moment to wipe away your royal dream drool.
Scram, Bunty!
Yikes! What a grouch.
-That's right. You heard me. -[Bad Bean] Out.
Bye-bye, Beanie.
What the hell, Elfo. Are you spying on me?
Please. I do not spy.
-I peep. -I'll be back for you and Luci, later.
Right now, out of my way.
The corridors are quite wide, ma'am.
There's no need for shovin' or bein' a regal jerk fest.
Shush.
[eerie music playing]
[scatting]
-[crunches] -Ow!
[screams]
[grunts]
My appendage.
[laughing]
Well, what do you know!
-Look, a visitors center. -[Derek] Wow.
The perfect place for inquiring noobs like you.
Plus, I got to make some woodchips, bad.
[Derek] What kind of tourist kiosk is this?
All I smell is urine.
[cackles] Oh…
[horn honks]
As promised, four fabulous freaks.
Each one more unusual than the last.
No matter what order you look at 'em.
Thank you, Freckles.
Shut up. I'm counting over here.
[mumbling]
Well, nice doin' business with you.
-Say, Freckles… -Eh?
I didn't realize you're a, uh… What exactly are you?
I'm a magical dancin' puppet boy brought to life.
Uh-oh.
-Hey, what the hell? -It's just a burlap sack.
Get in there.
[Freckles] I'll kill you, you rat bastard.
That moustache is better on your mother.
Hold it right there, pal.
And who in blazes might you be?
My name is King Zøg.
And I'm here to take my kids home.
You know, our fat man just died
and you, my friend, could be his replacement.
How many hot dogs can you eat in a half hour? Be honest.
[Zøg] I don't know, about 45?
Why you… [yells]
[groans]
Okay, then. Well, I guess it's up to me.
Yowza, my friend. I like what I see.
Yes, well, hmm, okay. Oh, all right. Well, here we go.
And here comes the fist. Oh!
[Freckles] Let me outta here, you jerk.
[cackles]
[Freckles] You son of a bitch! Your mustache smells like yoghurt.
[gasps]
Calling Hell.
Come in, Hell.
Yikes.
[vocalizing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[grunts and screams]
I'm suffocating.
Aha! [sighs]
[mystical music plays]
Bean, where are you?
Elfo, you nimwit. That wasn't Bean, that was Bad Bean.
And normally, I do like the sound of bad anything,
but regular Bean is bad enough for me. Mmmkay?
Well, look in the mirror.
There's a weeping Bean in there, and she don't look too damn happy.
The old switcheroo. Here, on page 202.
Luci, you have to invade Bean's dream.
Mmm, damn it. I'm not so good at this. Let me think.
"A personal demon can usually pass his malice through the looking glass."
Luci, that's you!
Yeah, but read between the lines.
It says, "usually." If it don't work, we're both stuck in there.
Look, I'm not immortal anymore.
I'm just a glorified bat with a big fat nose.
When I die, I go back to Hell.
Or worse. Do you have any idea what it'd be like to be stuck
in Bean's head forever?
The constant whiny self-doubts alone.
I mean, oy vey.
Luci, do it. Do it! Do it!
[groans] I knew that catchphrase would come back and bite me in the ass.
[sighs] Okay, I'll try, but no guarantees.
And no laughing.
[vocalizing]
[groans]
Good try, Luci.
Good try.
Now, go!
-[vocalizing] -[thuds]
[groans]
-Did I make it? -Almost. It was so close.
All right, third time's the charm.
I'm not ready.
Please, Luci, do it for our love of Bean.
Love? But who loves Luci?
One and a two and a… [yells]
[crackling]
Whoa!
[Luci cackles]
[clears throat]
-Is that you, Luci? -Heh.
Told you I'd enter your dreams as a laughing skull.
Knock it off.
Look, bar's closed, okay?
You don't got to go home, but you can't stay here.
-But I want to go home. -Okay.
So hold on tight and don't let go.
When I give you the signal, run at that mirror like an idiot, like me.
No, like Elfo. [chuckles]
Now.
-[crackling] -Oh!
-Voila! -Whoa!
[gasps] Bean, you made it!
Wait, what happened to Luci?
Ooh, squished.
Oh, Luci, I love you.
Ah, no, you don't.
Come on. Yeesh.
I didn't say stop.
[giggles]
God, that feels good.
Mmm!
[purrs]
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
See my latest freaks. Just arrived today.
Gaze on their listless expressions.
Wonder at their tear-filled eyes.
Sure, they look depressed, but don't be fooled.
These oddities have no feelings beyond simple savage bloodlust.
Isn't that right, Petey?
Screw you, Dad.
I can't believe you married my nanny.
There's Derek, the big blue newt.
I'm a salamander, you moron.
Bear Boy, the bear cub who sobs like a little boy.
I'll kill you.
Snarla, the petite, punky pixie who probably has rabies.
It's pronounced scabies, you stupid wanker.
[P.T.] Racist Antelope.
The only libertarian blowhard in the freak show.
Odval, hit his third eye and win a prize.
Please don't.
Gaze upon the bare-naked bear lady.
-[grunts] -[growls]
And finally, Freckles.
A happy little stooge who love show business.
[crowd murmuring]
What are you looking at, dummy?
Well, shucks. I ain't no dummy.
You're the dummy.
[laughs]
Ah, jeez! Shoot him! Shoot him already.
[laughing]
[whispers] Wait a second. We're unarmed.
Unarmed? How dumb can you be?
Not dumb enough.
[both grunting]
[grunts]
[Bean groans]
[both grunting]
[music playing]
-[music stops] -[grunts]
I like that song a lot.
That was kind of my jam.
Elfo, throw me the sword.
Are you the good Bean or the bad Bean?
No, Elfo, throw it to me.
I'll make it up to you.
[scoffs] Come on! Don't fall for that.
-Who do you guys think? -Her.
-No, her! -No, her!
Are you sure? You're pointing at different Beans.
It's definitely her.
Uh, you know what? I change my mind.
Come on, Elfo.
Don't listen to her, Elfo.
Okay, answer me this question and don't talk at the same time.
You first.
-Do you love me, Bean? -We've been through this before.
How does this solve anything?
That your final answer?
Yes, Elfo. I love and respect you.
Oh.
Love and respect… heh.
Right in the heart.
Okay, Bean number two. Same question.
Do you love me?
Oh, Elfo.
Of course, I love you.
[sentimental music playing]
Aw, I love you too, Bean.
[grunts]
-God damn, Elfo! You tryin' to kill me? -Hmm.
You tried to get me mad.
Well now, I'm really mad.
It doesn't matter what you do now.
The guests are almost here.
It's over. [clicks tongue] If only you had your muffins, huh?
Face it.
You can't kill me, Bean. You know you love me.
I don't even love myself.
[sinister music playing]
Wow.
Just wow.
[groaning]
Every single time.
Quick, clean up the blood, wipe off the sword.
Hide the body.
[all clamoring]
[grunting]
[all panting]
Crown.
[grunts]
[panting]
You, uh… [chuckles] You are the good Bean, right?
Not now, Elfo. Get out of here.
-[squeals] -Wait…
Thank you.
[dings]
Hmm.
[ominous music playing]
Oh, darling. We came as soon as you called.
Yeah, that was fast.
Well, congratulations are in order.
You vanquished the problem child,
and now look at you… Magnificent.
Thank you.
Oh, you're going to make your mother cry.
You can put your hand down now, Bean. You're not a statue for crying out loud.
-[gasps] -[dramatic music plays]
How you been, Mom?
Can I make you a drink? What's your poison?
That was a bad choice of words.
-[clears throat] -What the hell is going on?
What's the holdup?
Just dealing with the luggage, dear.
Well, well, well.
The one that got away.
Hello again, Tiabeanie.
Hi, Satan.
Are you growing out your horns? You look good.
-[Dagmar] Straighten up, dear. -[both] Hmm?
Both of you.
What? No hug?
[whispers] Bean, I don't think I can last eternity with your mother.
-You know I don't like whispering. -[gasps]
What the hell is going on with your crown?
Those head screws were very expensive.
You're the wrong Bean.
[sinister music playing]
[grunts]
Whoa!
Oh…
[scoffs]
-You killed her? -Who cares?
I can work with this.
-[somber music playing] -[water bubbling]
[enchanting music playing]
[closing theme music playing]