[opening theme music playing]
♪ Hey! ♪
Your Majesty.
What's with all these doofuses?
This is the line to see Queen Bean.
Hey, what a coinkydink.
We're here to see Queen Bean, too.
Then you'll have to get in back of the line.
In the forest, we don't have lines.
Yeah, well, that's what separates us from the animals… waiting.
-How many people are in line today? -I'm guessing, a thousand?
Your dedication makes me wanna puke.
Okay, let's solve some more problems.
We should pick up the pace, it's noon.
-Ooh, what's for lunch? -I don't know. Casserole?
I'm in the mood for egg salad.
I'd like a single noodle, nine feet long.
Ugh. We've already lost so much time with your little adventures. Can we get on
with the problems of the kingdom without any more beating around the bush?
Let me ask something, Oddie.
When you get pissed, do you roll all three eyes?
[scoffs]
Quit playing with Odval's eyeballs.
-They have names. -No, they don't.
Yes, they do. It's Winky, Blinky, and Soul Taker.
Soul Stealer… Oh.
Elfo, Luci, stop antagonizing Odval.
It's too easy.
Bring in the next whiner.
We're already here.
-Whoa. -Your Majesty, it is I, King Rulo.
We wee elves are facing a crisis in Elf Alley.
Conditions are, shall we say, cramped and we're small.
So, if I say we're cramped… Ho, ho, boy, it's cramped.
-And? -Well, we have a modest request.
Go for it.
We want your castle.
-What? -What?
Wha… What?
Elfo, Luci, conference room, now.
Do you think they know this castle used to be theirs?
Who cares? Oppression is fun, dummy.
Bean, this is your chance to do the right thing.
You'll be forever known as the Queen who gave up Dreamland.
[Bean] Hmm.
I'm going to say… no.
[elves muttering]
Oh, you just made a big mistake.
You'll be hearing from Shocko and Fisto.
[both exclaim]
We're out of here!
The casserole has arrived.
Mop Girl, clean up this mess.
You mean the casserole or the whole diplomatic situation?
[man] Thank you for waiting!
Your stupidity is most appreciated!
Thank you for waiting!
Your stupidity is most appreciated!
Oh, boy. Here we go.
What is it, Sam Buca?
-Denise left me and she took all the mugs. -Why'd she do that?
She said you were flirting with me.
-What? -Just like that.
I never flirted with you.
You're doing it right now.
God, you're annoying.
That's what Denise said when she walked out the door.
-Bye. -That's what Denise said.
-What? -She said she's bi.
-Hey, Sam Buca. How's Denise? -I don't know.
-How's Oona? -Eh. Touché.
Beanie, baby, I'm home.
Uh, Dad, I've been on the throne all morning, and I'm cleaned out.
Can you please take the afternoon shift?
Nah, you don't need me. You're doin' great.
Listen, there's somebody I want you to meet. Hey, where'd he go?
[grumbles]
Oh. A cute little bear cub.
What do you want me to do, Dad? Stuff, butcher, or marry it?
None of the above.
He's your half-bear half-brother. Can't you see the resemblance?
Yeah, I guess I can.
All right, Bear Boy. Welcome to the family.
Two things you should know about me. One, I'm a really fun hang.
Two, but I'm busy right now, and I have to dismiss you. Three, I'm not into labels.
You can choose between callin' me Queen Bean, big sister Bean
or your sibling Majesty. Any questions?
Are you some kind of giant squirrel?
Okay, take him away, Dad, before I start to hate him.
Next!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh. [chuckles]
It's called a "bed."
I'm tucking you in.
See, here in Humanville, we hibernate every night.
That's stupid.
-[whimpers] I miss my mom. -Oh, me, too.
But this gives us a chance to bond, and me a chance to be a better dad.
-Finally. -Pipe down, Derek!
I'm over here trying to be a better dad. [grunts]
Hey, where'd you grow up, a cave?
-Apparently not. -This is my bed.
Shouldn't you be a moth-eating rug on the floor of a failing cigar lounge?
Shouldn't you be eating flies in a terrarium?
Eh! Shut your mouths. I'm trying to get my beauty sleep.
I don't have to listen to a bird.
Don't talk to my pet girlfriend like that.
-Shut up! -You shut up!
You both need to shut up, yeah?
My name is Derek, by the way.
Not now. Learn how to read the room, child.
All right, everybody out.
[rats squeaking]
Finally, I'm alone.
Now I can get a good night's sleep.
[knocking at door]
[woman] Bean!
Open this goddamn Dreamdoor right now!
[Bean scoffs] I'm coming!
[woman] Hurry up! Don't make me rattle this doorknob.
[doorknob rattles]
-[man and woman] Hello, Bean. -[gasps]
-[man 1] You know what we want. -[man 2] You know what we want.
-[woman 1] You know what we want. -[woman 2] You know what we want.
And it ain't your fashion sense. [exclaims]
Get out of my castle, all of you!
This is our castle and you know it. You get out.
-Jesto. -Oh, yes!
[screams]
This is our ocean. Get out!
-Hey! -Hey!
-Watch it. -Yeah.
-Mora? -Bean, wake up.
[gasps]
Oh, you woke up on the first bucket this time.
Buckets don't solve everything, Bunty.
[rats squeaking]
[Bean groans]
What?
Pardon me. Sorry. Excuse me. Comin' through. Hello to you, too. Excuse me.
Sorry about your toes.
Court consultation meeting now.
Ooh! Okay, where should we meet?
Inside your shirt like that other time?
-Behind the throne is fine. -[Elfo] Aw.
So, I had this dream where everyone who's out to get me was out to get me.
They were all in the castle, and the elves tossed me out.
-Elfo… -What did I do?
Sounds like a typical stress dream, combined with the paranoid delusions
of a tyrant gone mad with power.
Nice work, you dunce.
-The most disturbing part was the elves. -Goddamn elves.
Look, I know you're still kinda pissed off
about all the cute little elf skeletons we found under the castle.
Could you find out what your friends know about their ancestors in Dreamland?
You mean be your spy?
Betray my own people for a kingdom of humans
that's shown hostility to both elves and ogres?
-Do I get a disguise? -Yes.
Okay.
[Jasper grunting]
I'm starving. Where do they keep the garbage around here?
Wherever you are I guess. Zing!
Nice one, Derek. Your first attempt at a joke. [exclaims]
Maybe I should just eat your girlfriend.
I'd like to see you try.
Too late.
He didn't swallow, though.
Come on, Derek. Show 'em what I taught ya about being a right hard man.
-Prepare for an uncoordinated thrashing. -[Bear Boy grunts]
[both grunting]
Aw. [grunts]
[growls]
[exclaims]
[groans]
[elf 1] What's the deal, Rulo?
Yeah! Did you get our castle back or die trying?
The next person who asks a stupid question will feel the wrath of my scepter.
You mean that ball on a stick? Ow!
I'll give it to you straight.
We tried asking politely.
Then we stormed off like angry babies.
Yet Queen Tiabeanie still denied us.
[clamoring]
It's time for action.
Action? But we're elves.
What do you have in mind, Leavo?
We'll take it by force. Though it may cost us many lives.
[Elfo in deep voice] I have a question.
Why do we want the castle so bad?
You, with the deep voice. I don't know your name.
You can call me Mustacheo.
Well, Mustacheo, it's not just the castle.
It's what's under the castle.
-[elf 2] You mean the basement? -No.
-[elf 2] You mean the parking garage? -No.
[elf 2] You mean the… [exclaims]
It's the very thing…
But it's guarded by the most hideous creatures
ever to slime their way across a cave… Trøgs!
Please gasp.
Whoo!
But we don't have to kill everyone, do we?
Bean's heart is in the right place.
-Not like that trader Elfo! -What?
He's always sneaking around, poking his nose where he's not wanted.
And his incessant bum-bum talk.
Well, maybe he had a childhood trauma.
What are you, some kind Elfo lover?
-Worse! You're Elfo! -[all gasp]
Please don't kill me. Are you going to kill me?
I have an idea.
Elfo, you'll be our spy.
You'll go down to Trøgtown masquerading as a hideous Trøg
and find out what they know.
How much is my costume budget?
Nothing. Now, go!
Fine. But you get what you pay for.
You can't even find a good wig for that price, so suit yourself.
-It's absurd… -[door closes]
[Bean] Out of the way, bed lights. I'm coming in.
Ow.
[woman laughing]
-[laughing loudly] -Who is it?
What's so funny? [grunts]
-Get out of my castle! -[woman] It's not your castle, dear.
[laughs maliciously]
[Bean exclaims]
Mom.
[door closes]
Ah.
"How to Stay Calm While Reading in Bed."
[sighs] "Chapter one. First, admit you have a problem."
-Dad? -[exclaims]
Dad, I've been having nightmares again.
Ah, Bean, I wouldn't worry about it.
You probably had some bad clams.
I didn't even have any good clams.
I got some left over if you want some.
No?
So, these dreams, were they recurring?
-Like the same thing over and over? -No.
Well, then you've got nothing to worry about.
If your dreams repeat themselves, Bean, then you got troubles.
Because that means you got unresolved issues in the old coconut.
Just go back to bed.
-I don't think I can. -No?
Well, then I got just the thing.
Try some nighty-night knockout tea.
It's my own special blend.
I gently pummel eight rare spices into the tea leaves.
Then I have Vip and Vap sleep on it for eight weeks.
Mmm. I can tell.
I'd put some honey in it,
but ever since Bear Boy came, we keep running out.
[sips]
Man, I wanna get to sleep quickly.
Can you chug tea?
[exclaims] Hot!
[coughs]
-[sighs] -[tea cup shatters]
[woman laughs]
[laughing continues]
Ugh! It is a recurring dream.
What do I have to do to make this stop, kill you?
[woman laughs maliciously]
[elevator dings]
[gasps and screams]
[screams and gasps]
I gotta destroy that elevator.
[snores]
[rats squeak]
[grunts]
[liquid flowing]
[Odval chuckles]
[exclaims]
[Elfo] Huh?
Ugh!
[groans] So gross.
Small.
I just miss the days of, "Hi, I'm Elfo."
It was just a simpler time back then.
What the… [grunts]
[exclaims]
You goin' to the moon rave tonight?
Yeah, but first I gotta shed my skin.
That's beyond disgusting.
[exclaims]
Okay, you can do this. Come on. Okay.
Just pretended it's a Fruit Roll-Up.
Oh, it doesn't smell like a Fruit Roll-Up.
[grunts] Okay, it's on.
Let's go.
-[grunts] -[skin squeaks]
Oh. Okay. [chuckles]
I don't hate that.
Look at that bum-bum.
Hello! [laughs]
[slurping and swallowing loudly]
Oh. These bad clams ain't bad.
Guys, we gotta get rid of the elevator to Hell.
The one that cut off my head? Yes!
It's time to give that elevator the shaft.
Catchphrase, copyright, Luci, the demon. [scats]
[whistles]
Oh. Oy! I'm not done with that.
[Bean] I'll return it, dude.
What you smiling about it?
-It's just going to take longer. -[groans]
[all exclaiming]
[Luci exclaims]
[elevator dings]
Get ready for an axe-whooping, Mom.
Yes, we escaped from Hell.
Hansel and Gretel?
Oh, no! It's that recurring dream again.
We got to get out of here.
Quick. Press the door close button.
You know the door close button doesn't do nothing.
You've got to press it again and again, frantically.
-See? -It was going to close anyway.
[both exclaim]
[Hansel] Yes! We got away from that maniac.
[Gretel] No, we didn't!
Welcome, Bobo.
Welcome, Lobo.
Welcome, Flowbo.
Welcome, Gobo.
Hmm. Stop right there.
I can't remember your name.
Has Sklobo been taken?
-No. -I'm Sklobo.
Welcome, Sklobo.
Dearly below-ed,
let us bow our heads in remembrance of those gallant Trøgs
who sacrificed their lives in our most sacred, secret ceremony.
[all] Sit and spin! Sit and spin!
Hey, there.
Oh, my God. Trixy!
[chuckles] You know my name, but I don't know yours.
Oh, yeah, I want to say Splobo?
Well, Splobo, you're not like the other guys.
You have a personality.
Plus, your hat reminds me of this guy I used to sleep with.
-Elfo? -No, Superviso.
What? Trixy!
I thought we had something special.
An intruder!
Seize him or her…
[clamoring]
-[all] Oh! -Oh, my God, it's Elfo!
Aw, my least favorite savior.
Oh, mighty Elfo. You rat bastard snitch.
What are we going to do with you?
-Let's kill him. -But he's a savior.
Yes, but historically, we usually kill saviors.
-How should we kill him? -Roll a big boulder on his head.
Roll several smaller boulders on his whole body.
No, tie him to a giant boulder and roll him in a pit.
We agree then. Something to do with boulders.
Stop saying boulders.
Let's not kill Elfo.
Let's use him as a spy on the humans.
I can't be your spy.
First, Bean sent me to spy on the elves,
and then the elves sent me to spy on you guys.
Triple crossing is as far as I go.
Enough jibber-jabber.
Let's flatten him!
[Trøg exclaims]
Okay, fine. I'll do it. But I warn you, I get caught every time.
[Bean grunts] Stupid boot!
[grunting]
Hmm.
-[Bean grunts] -[Elfo gasps]
My hat puff! Are you nuts?
Elfo, don't scare me like that. Did you find out what the elves are up to?
Well, they're planning something. Maybe an attack.
I don't know exactly because I kept getting caught.
But it involves the Trøgs, who also caught me, incidentally.
The Trøgs? What's their little scheme?
Well, they have a thing for boulders. I can tell you that much.
Thanks, Elfo. Time for bed.
Think again.
Hmm.
[sighs]
[gasps]
[woman laughing]
[exclaims]
[panting]
[woman laughing]
[Bean grunts]
[panting]
[woman laughing maliciously]
[Bean grunts]
[exclaims]
[Trøgs grunting rhythmically]
[Bean sighs] Safety.
[exclaims]
[groans]
Brains!
Brains. That's it!
I've got to use my brains.
Thanks, psychotic dream.
-[Luci vocalizing] -[Mop Girl giggles]
Luci, Mop Girl, listen up.
I know what we need to do. What is that smell?
It's Luci and his room temperature clam bucket.
We gotta protect the castle.
Mop Girl, I want you and Luci to plug up the tunnels.
-How? -You figure it out.
We did it! What else can we fill with garbage?
-Elfo's room? -I like the way you think.
We need something bigger and bolder.
[scatting]
[exclaims]
Eh, good enough.
Elfo. Be brave. Go down there and say, I'm not going to be your spy anymore.
You're not going to back down. You're cute and delightful.
You got bad taste in women, but that's true of all great men.
And you're a goddamn ogre.
You're not afraid of anything.
[screams]
[sighs] That's the last of 'em. Let's get drunk.
I have cleaning fluids that'll make you go blind.
That'll calm the clams colliding in my colon.
You know something, Mary? You're too good for this dump.
You're the first person to call me by my real name.
I'm going to let you in on my darkest secret.
-[whispers] I'm nice. -[whispers] I know.
[in normal voice] My darker secret is I'm not that good at mopping.
[whispers] I know.
[groans]
You know, sometimes I just mop the same spot for hours,
and no one ever notices.
Hmm? Hmm.
Cloyd? Becky?
-That's right, Luci. -You're going back to Hell.
Hurry now. Schloop into the bottle.
I gotta warn you, I'm about to spew clams.
[Cloyd] Clams?
[both exclaim]
Thanks. I feel so much better.
Body, over here.
Uh-oh.
Well, well, well.
You've really chosen the wrong side, Mop Girl.
It's Mary.
[Luci grunting]
[Cloyd and Becky exclaiming]
We did it, Luci.
Oh, my God. I feel so cleaned out now. Thank you.
Queen Bean sealin' the whole place up,
like a hundred little corks in a wedge of Swiss cheese.
She's onto us.
[indistinct chatter]
[grumbles] Elfo betrayed us.
Oh, I knew he'd fall for that big lummox of a queen.
We have no choice.
-We must attack, now! -[all] Yeah!
[Rulo] Yes, the little stabbers.
Humans may be bigger and stronger and smarter than us,
but we've got the ability to run under tables.
It'll be a sneak attack.
We'll go in beneath the castle and surprise them.
But not in the fun birthday party way.
We head out at the stroke of midnight.
[bell tolling]
-To the tunnel! -[all] Yeah!
[groans] Oh, Elfo, when are you going to learn your lesson?
Stay out of other people's business.
[both grunting]
Come on now. You two are brothers, okay?
Remember, blood is thicker than water.
Oh, wow. Wait, that's not just an old wives' tale. It really is thicker.
-[Jasper growls] -Okay, boys. Boys. Boys!
There must be something you two spoiled brats can agree on.
[exclaims and grunts]
[screams]
Wow. I've always wanted to do that, but never had the arm strength.
If we work together, we could hurt people much more than we can by ourselves.
[grunting]
Ow!
Huh?
[elves grunting rhythmically]
[Trøgs grunt]
Who is so foolhardy as to enter Guano junction?
Out of the way, you puny monstrosities!
Hey, we're the same size as you.
So you just turn around and be on your little way.
[all exclaim]
This is ridiculous.
If we create some sort of diversion, we can sneak through that door over there.
Distracto, front and center.
[scatting]
No! Don't go in there.
[mutters] I mean, unless you want to see a bunch of old jars.
Who's interested in old jars? Just grannies, am I right?
-[Trøgs] Yeah! -[Trøg] What he said.
Trøgs can't be trusted.
If they don't want us to go in there, that's the way to go.
At last, I found it.
No, it's forbidden!
Finally, I've spent my entire adult life,
except for that time in the cult, searching for this!
Don't drink that.
It's the sacred goo.
-Sacred goo! -Sacred goo!
I know what it is, you freaks.
It's the very thing.
-[all gasp] -No, you fool.
It's not what you want, it's what you deserve!
[glugs]
Ha!
It tastes like every candy under the rainbow,
with a horrible metallic aftertaste.
But I expected something with a little more oomph.
[elves gasp]
What?
[closing theme music playing]