[opening theme music playing]
♪ Hey! ♪
[somber instrumental music playing]
[Zøg whistles] Beanie!
Hey, you're alive!
-Yay! -[Oona] Crazy girl!
[Luci] Bean in the house!
[Elfo exclaiming]
[grunts]
Oh, Bean, every time I find you alive is such nice surprise.
You never hugged me because I was alive.
I hate this family.
[Elfo] So, what the heck happened?
How'd you manage to get back to shore before us? Huh?
Oh, a sea turtle gave me a ride back. That's what happened.
Sea turtles aren't that fast.
Why does… Why does it matter?
We're concerned with sea turtles now?
Just be happy I'm alive.
-Like I am. -Jeez.
Okay, I will take that answer at face value and not ask you about
that mysterious, new necklace you're obviously hiding.
[Luci] Listen up, y'all, Queen Bean is back from the dead
and orders you to spend your money at Luci's pub.
[Bean] I didn't really, but whatever.
[Luci] Half-eaten nachos half-off for all pants-crappin' low lives.
[Elfo] Ha! That's me.
[Luci] Come and get it. Drink up, you scumbags.
[squirrels chittering]
Hmm?
[birds screeching]
[animals scrambling]
Oh, no, they're back.
Yee-haw!
Uh-uh, I've always been a firm believer in "stand your ground" until now.
Okay, girls, set wings to haul ass.
Look at all the romance all over there.
Everyone's got someone but me.
And I'm the King.
King of loneliness.
And the duke of horniness. [sighs]
[grumbles] At least Oona knows how heartbreak feels.
[Oona screaming]
[sighs] Back for 20 minutes and already the solitude is more than I could bear.
Bear…
Ursula the bear. [sighs]
Eh, Bean, do you mind?
I'm trying to be depressed over here.
I was here first, Dad.
Aw, sweetie…
All right, what's going on?
You only "Aw, sweetie" me if you just executed one of my friends.
Look, Porky was a mistake.
I just want to know…
-Are you happy? -What?
[hesitating] Yeah, I mean, I have my very own kingdom.
Great friends.
Except, Porky's gone now.
I have this bitching crown--
Hold on a minute, you didn't answer my question.
Are you happy?
Yeah… No.
[hesitates] What's happy, really?
Oh, my God, you're in love.
Oh, jeez. I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking--
Maybe I am.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
The thing is, I just don't know what's going on.
Oh, yeah, I've been there.
And when you finally do figure it out, it's too late.
That's exactly what I'm afraid of.
One moment, it's all ukuleles in moonlight,
and then it's just gone.
Is there something wrong with me?
Why can't I stop thinking about that stupid, perfect mermaid?
Mermaid, huh?
Hey, if you don't like it, I will fight you.
[laughs]
You know, my first love was a mermaid, too.
-Really? -Oh, like father, like daughter.
Oh, boy, that was a doozy.
It didn't work out.
I mean, we were so different.
She was a blonde, I had red hair.
And mermaid culture… Oof, so much wetter than ours.
Oh.
-Did she break your heart? -Worse.
We broke each other's hearts.
Yeah, that's the scary part.
Uh, story of my life.
I was always too afraid to try.
Remember Ursula?
Ursula the bear?
Yeah, I remember Ursula.
She thought I was a giant squirrel.
Man, I was crazy about her,
but I always told myself it wasn't the right time.
It's only now that I realize that there's never a right time for love.
-Love is always risky. -And confusing.
-And freaky. -And scary.
And sweet.
And unexpected, like a sucker punch.
-Boom! -Ow. [groans]
I'll come back later.
Dad, if you think Ursula's the one, you've got to try.
[grumbles] You think so?
Don't let fear get in the way of happiness.
Get out of here and go find that destructive bear-woman.
-I'll watch the throne. -Really?
Thanks, Beanie. [laughs]
[kisses] You give good advice.
You know what I wish?
You'd take it once in a while.
I'll think about it…
every night…
for the rest of my life.
[sighs]
Page boy, take the throne. [sighs]
I could so overthrow you.
Sorcerio, whip me up some kind of magic potion to attract bears!
Oh, you've come to the right place.
You have your choice.
Rancid butter, fermented salmon oil
or hot garbage juice.
All of the above.
Oh, my.
Start smearing.
[grunting]
King Zøg, you didn't sign out.
Where are you going?
Don't follow me. I'm on a secret mission. [grunts]
"Secret mission"? What does that mean?
That means we follow him in secret.
[Zøg] No, it doesn't!
[animal chitters]
[birds chirping]
Ah, all alone.
Just me and the sounds of the forest.
Who's there?
[Turbish imitates chirping]
The hell kind of bird is that?
[Turbish] Tit willow.
[exclaims]
Ow!
Okay, now listen.
I want you to stay far away from me.
Watch the direction I go, and you go the opposite way. Far!
Opposite means the same.
[exclaims] Go!
Ugh. Dumbasses.
[Turbish] We can still hear you.
Oh, jeez, well, stop listening, damn it!
-[Turbish] Yes, sir. -Don't say, "Yes, sir."
-[Turbish] No, sir. -Don't say nothing!
[Turbish] Silence, sir.
Now it's time for the real hunt.
Love.
-[Turbish] Love? -[exclaims] You! Come on.
[Turbish] Come on.
-[grunts] -[Turbish grunts]
-Will you shut up! -[Turbish] You shut up!
I'm going to kill you.
[Turbish] You have to find me first.
[Mertz] Ow.
[Turbish] Ha-ha. You shot Mertz.
[grunting]
That's it, Tubby. You know the way.
Yes, the way to the buffet. [laughs]
You see, that was a joke because he's a fat man.
Yes, yes, and you're just big boned.
[Zøg panting]
[grunting]
It's that crown-stealing moose that's always making a fool out of me.
Ow!
No!
What do you need two crowns for?
What, do you think you're better than me?
[bear cub laughs]
Oh. It's a wee little bear cub.
Ain't you the sweetest-- Ow! You little bastard!
Why, I… Don't make me come up there. Ow!
Right in the old soft spot.
I'll murderlize that bear.
[bear cub laughs]
Okay, you got the higher ground now, but I swear I'll be back with stilts.
[groans]
I must be getting close to where the bears live,
or at least where they dump their crummy kids.
[upbeat music playing]
[Luci scatting]
♪ Drip ♪
How can I get over you when you're not even here to reject me?
[crowd] ♪ Hey! ♪
Bean? Are you okay?
You're not drinking.
I brought you a beer.
Oops. Sorry. I just finished it.
Oh. Hey, guys, pull up a rock.
Bean, what's wrong?
You look like you could use the advice of two ignorant but well-meaning friends.
-[sighs] -I know what it is.
You've been bummed out ever since you found out
that your people were cruel, bloodthirsty savages.
But you know what I say?
Let it go.
You're perfect and you're beautiful and life is good.
Are you drunk?
I am a little, but that's not the point.
Listen to me. Hey! Come here.
Look at me.
Listen to me.
It's okay.
God, your cheeks are like rubber.
Rubbaba, rubbaba…
[exclaiming]
It's been a long day.
Let's just go home and stare at the ceiling.
[groans] It's so far and it's all uphill.
And I've got corns on my bunions.
Elfo, can you carry me?
I know a shortcut.
Hmm?
[thunder claps]
These bones…
animal carcasses, picnic baskets…
[sniffs]
I'd know that smell anywhere.
Ursula, baby, it's me, Zøg!
Uh, don't be frightened.
I ain't as furry these days, I got a haircut from Big Jo.
Ah, never mind.
I missed you.
-[roars] -[Zøg exclaims]
[grunts and groans]
Uh…
You know, I almost got mauled back there.
Oh, you still got a mauling coming.
[both exclaim]
Ooh, what is that intoxicating stank?
[chuckles] It doesn't just attract flies.
Okay, smart guy, which way to the castle?
Definitely the left tunnel.
Definitely the right tunnel.
Fine, I'm going this way.
Ah! Darkness!
[Bean] What the--
[all scream]
[Luci and Elfo groan]
[Elfo] This is kind of peaceful.
[screams] Skeletons!
[P.T.] A genuine, first edition, near mint forest selkie?
Oh, she'll be perfect for my freak show.
I told you Zøg was into some sick predilections of the earth side variety.
Y'all gon' let me go now, right?
Hell no.
Who's going to show us where all the undocumented badgers are?
And a racist antelope will really bring in the rubes.
Yeah, see, that's why I came out here.
I don't think I can be apart from you.
There's this attraction.
Do you know what magnets are?
-No. -We go together.
You know, peanut butter and jelly?
-No. -A lock and key?
-No. -Shoes and socks?
-No. -Needle and thread?
-[chuckles] No. -Waffles and more waffles?
Definitely not.
Zøg, I spend most of my life as a bear, I don't have a big need for metaphors.
What the hell's a metaphor?
[chuckles] Humans use them
because they're afraid to say things directly.
Well, I ain't afraid of nothing no more.
Ursula, I love you more than anything else in my life,
you know, except my kid. Kids.
Do you know this one? Husband and wife?
Uh-uh.
I love you, Zøg.
And I'm glad we're talking about this because--
Hey, it's that little bastard bear boy.
He's been whipping pine cones at my head.
[laughs] Look at him, starting at the top.
Spiky red hair, bulbous nose, psychotic disposition.
Moving down, ample belly, muscular calves.
Eh, it's like looking at me if I was a little less hairy.
Whoa!
I can't believe this is where the big battle happened.
Actually, it looks more like a slaughter than a battle.
This guy got stabbed in the back.
This guy got stabbed in the front.
And this guy's got 12 forks in his skull!
Calm down, buddy.
These are just elf bones.
The actual elves are down in Hell at the big barbecue.
We barbecue elves.
Go to hell, Elfo.
Okay, you know what, Bean?
I thought I was okay with this, but I don't know.
I don't know anymore.
This looks like an elficide.
There's just as many human skeletons down here.
No, those aren't human skeletons,
they're elf skeletons standing on the shoulders of other elf skeletons.
I'm sorry we took your cast or whatever,
but we won, and it looks like it was a fair fight.
-[bone creaks] -[Bean] Hmm?
[all grunting]
[exclaims]
[all groaning]
[exclaims]
[inhales]
But I'm too old to have another kid.
Bean nearly killed me, last week!
Oh. But Jasper is such a sweetie.
He'll totally want to play with you.
Up until he reaches 600 pounds.
Then we may want to rethink things.
That's not the point.
How do I know he's even mine?
[Jasper grumbling]
Okay, he's mine.
I ain't going to be a jerk about it.
But what do I do now?
Go say hello.
[whispers] You know, nothing is more sexy than a good dad.
Yeah, I heard that one before.
Oh, Jasper!
[grumbling]
Hey there, Jasper.
I'm King--
Ow! Son of a…
Wow, you do got a strong arm there! [chuckles nervously]
But maybe don't toss so much sticks and stones at your old man, eh?
I'm your dad, Jasper.
[groans]
You're doing great.
Go on, he won't bite if approached from the front.
If he starts growling, back away quickly.
Don't touch his fish if you want to keep your fingers.
You know, ah…
You're not gonna catch any trout if they see your shadow.
Mmm.
-Huh? Huh? -Huh. Huh.
Okay, kid number three.
This one I'm going to get right.
[coughs]
[exclaims]
[log thuds]
[both laugh]
[Jasper squeals]
Oh, jeez.
Got another Derek on my hands.
[groans]
[giggling] Hey, that tickles.
Ah, the simple life.
For too long, I've been living like a big shot fancy pants.
Out here, I don't need any pants.
I got everything I want right here.
What about your castle?
Uh, Beanie's got that under control.
The giant squirrel?
But if you stay here, won't your loved ones miss you?
Vip and Vap? Eh, they'll be fine.
I could stay here forever.
[wind howls]
[Zøg] Ah. Close the window, will you?
[Jasper yelps]
Jasper, honey, if you can't sleep, go kill something.
[Jasper squeals]
Bear Boy, are the angels taking you to heaven?
Is there a bear heaven?
Jasper!
Late-night bunny party.
[bunnies screeching]
Half human, half bear.
That's the kind of biodiversity that pulls in the suckers.
Karn sarnit!
Who gives a knife to a bear cub?
The lack of parental concern these days.
[Jasper grunting rhythmically]
-[Ursula] Jasper! -[Zøg] Bear Boy!
-Where are you? -It's me, Dad.
Come to Mama.
If you come back, I promise I won't yell at you.
Except right now.
I'll let you stay up past your hibernation.
That was a good 39-cent net.
Oh, that's it.
[laughs maliciously]
Bear Boy, come towards the smell of this delicious cigar.
Whoa!
What the…
[bunnies screeching]
[screams]
[unicorn screeches]
Oh, dear!
[Ursula and Zøg grunting]
Poor Jasper, he's extremely flammable.
-Ursula! -Just find Jasper.
[Zøg] Bear Boy!
[Jasper cries]
[Ursula] Jasper, no!
[Zøg] Ah, don't cross the burning log!
[Ursula exclaims]
[Zøg] What'd I tell you?
[Ursula] Jasper, climb.
[Jasper and Ursula exclaim]
[Zøg] Ursula, give me your hand there.
-[Ursula grunts] -[Zøg] Got you.
[Ursula] Zøg!
[Zøg] Ursula! No!
What are we, cursed?
Don't worry about the family curse, Jasper.
I'm not crying, boy.
It's all this smoke. See?
Your mom…
she was a special lady…
Bear… Lady Bear.
Ah, what am I going to do with you now?
[sobs]
I mean, I taught you the things I could, what else can I do?
You belong out here in the woods.
You wouldn't like the castle, there's no trees, no fishing,
and honey comes in a jar and not in a hive.
[sobs]
Oh, you've got to go be a bear.
You go that way and I'll go this way.
Papa, where are you going?
Oh.
Jeez.
Come here, Jasper.
All this time you could talk?
Why didn't you say nothing?
[Jasper] Well, you never shut up.
[Zøg laughs]
[Jasper] Your laugh is annoying, too.
[Zøg] That's my boy.
[closing theme music playing]