[opening theme music playing]
♪ Hey! ♪
[both panting]
[Enchantress] Run faster and stop rubbing your head!
[Cloyd] But there's a lump, and it hurts when I rub it.
[Enchantress] Hand prop the airscrew, Cloyd.
Ow!
-The airflow. -[whirring]
Spyglass.
Those bastards, they're stealing the escape pod we stole.
[dramatic music playing]
[Bean] Come on, up.
Ugh, up.
Perfect.
Light me, Luci.
[all cheering]
[sputtering]
Don't you love it when people plummet screaming into the ocean
and burst into a ball of fire? I know I do.
[explodes]
[both laughing]
[moans]
-[owls hooting] -[bell chiming]
[squawks]
6:45 a.m. and all is finally well with Dreamland!
For now!
Beanie, what are you doing up so early?
It's not even noon.
I'm a changed woman, Pops.
[humming]
-Your breakfast, Your Majesty. -[Bean] Mmm.
Eh, we've both changed.
I found my inside voice again.
And my come-hither voice.
[seductively] Hello, sexy throne.
[sighs]
-I-- -[in normal voice] Oh, sorry.
-I thought… Totally. -I just thought… You're queen.
-You're king. -Oh, for God's sake.
You can't both be ruler.
-That's a great idea, three eyes. -We'll rule together.
But, Majesties, think of the confusion.
Whose favor does one curry, whose boot does one lick,
or the ass of whom does one kiss?
Everyone's asses.
You ought to have a field day, Odval.
What do you say, Queenie Beanie, 50-50?
Put her there!
And let nothing come between us.
[both] Hmm!
Freckles! Oh, I missed you, little buddy.
You was the only one who stuck up for me
during my acute psychotic break when I was all…
[honking and babbling]
Dad, um, it's just a puppet.
Wha… Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah. I know Freckles ain't real.
But sometimes it feels like he's been alive this whole time.
But, Dad, we both know he's just a useless lump of dead wood, right?
[creaking]
The only deadwood I see here is that hack Sorcerio.
He's a little sneak.
Unlike my precious Freckles.
Oh, I wish you was real.
Excellent, Your Half-ajesty.
Dispose of this little bastard. And tidy up your lab while you're at it,
it smells like rotting flesh and candy corn.
Oh, it's so hard to get rid of the smell of candy corn.
[Zøg] Hmm.
I'll tell you what, Dad, why don't you take the helm today?
What the… Who stabbed these holes through the back of the throne?
I thought Mom was sitting there.
[chuckles]
Say no more.
[Zøg farts]
I killed Cloyd and Becky, by the way.
That's nice.
[clanking]
Hmm?
[Freckles] Don't throw Freckles down the chute.
-Who said that? -It's me, your conscience.
Yeah, that's it.
If you're my conscience, then what's my deepest sorrow?
That you'll never be loved.
But if I could bring Freckles to life, everyone would love me.
That's using the ol' pea-brain.
I am a genius.
I wouldn't go that far.
-[sinister music playing] -[thunder clapping]
[Sorcerio] Let's see. "Poisons, potions, pudding."
Ah! Here we are. "Puppets. Bringing to life…" Hmm.
I have a question. When do I get paid?
You are an intern, damn it!
You're lucky we don't beat you.
You do beat me.
No, we don't. Remind me to beat you later.
-I won't. -That's two beatings.
-I still won't. -Three beatings.
-You'll forget. -Four beatings.
-[Sorcerio] Stop talking about beatings. -Ha-ha.
I'm going to get my beating stick right now.
-Five beatings. -All right.
Look at him, Jerry.
Look at him lying there on that slab.
Just a lifeless piece of wood.
But tonight, all that changes.
Now, Jerry, get cranking.
-Hmm… -[buzzes]
[grunts]
It's rusty.
[grunting]
[creaks]
[crackling]
[squeaking]
[thunder clapping]
[dings]
-[dings] -[thunder clapping]
[crackling]
This is it, Jerry.
Hold my hand.
Okay. But I'm clammy.
[crackling]
Uh-oh. [screams]
[clanking]
It's alive.
God damn you to Hell, Sorcerio!
It's alive!
-[grunts] -[Sorcerio] Ow!
Take that, you bastard!
♪ La, la, la, la, la… ♪
You gotta admit you kind of deserved that.
All right, who's next?
Yoohoo!
[gasps] Is that you, Freckles?
You bet your fat ass it is.
[gasps]
Yeah. Your wish came true.
Now start clapping while I make my astonishing entrance.
[scatting]
Ta-da!
Oh, Freckles, this is beyond my wildest dreams.
Drunk or sober.
It's all due to that goofy-looking wizard over there.
One minute I was doing nothing,
then zippity-zing-zaparuni!
-I'm alive! -[laughs]
Wait a second. Sorcerio brought you to life?
He's not a wizard, he's what happens when you sit in the tub too long.
But I did it. Jerry saw me.
And I see you now, too.
In light of this show of competence, might Sorcerio be forgiven
for his decades of bumbling and treachery?
Hell, I'll do better than that.
Give him another star sticker, Mop Girl.
I'm Broom Girl now.
Ooh! Pardon me, Your Majesty.
[clears throat]
Sorcerio, I hereby elevate you
to Grand Sorcerer of Dreamland.
And perhaps a small raise.
Or I could have you beheaded.
[laughs]
-Who is this guy? I like him. -[laughs]
I like parades.
That's it! Let's have one of them stupid parades to celebrate everything.
Tomorrow morning.
Elfo, can you go into town and, uh, invite the elves?
You all know each other, right?
Okay, that's pretty racist.
But yes, we do all know each other.
Anyway, the elves are having a top-secret midnight meeting tonight,
so they'll be sleeping in.
You won't miss 'em, Zøg.
Their high-pitched voices are really, really annoying.
[elves clamoring]
Calm down. Shut your wee mouths.
We all know that Dreamland Castle is rightfully ours,
as is what lies beneath.
Then what are we waiting for, fellow elves?
Why don't we just go grab this stuff?
We can't because of the curse.
But once the royal øg line reaches its end
and the curse is broken,
whoever controls the throne, controls the special stuff.
Your words, not mine.
Now to separate Zøg and Beanie,
I'll invade their dreams like a goddamn genie.
God, I'm creepy.
[all cheering]
[marching band playing]
Boy, everybody is so happy in Dreamland.
The local yokels, the royal yokels, me.
Eh, not Bean. She's all mad and lonely.
Shut up, Freckles!
Holy mackerel! You're floundering over there.
Your love life is completely underwater.
You're looking for love in all the wrong fishes.
[laughs]
I don't know what you're talking about,
but it's always a zing with you, ain't it?
Dad, don't encourage him. It'll just give him ideas.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
How about we wrap up Bean's pity party here
with a roast of you, Zøg?
What do you mean, "a roast"?
Ooh, ooh, I know, a comedy roast.
It's me being insulted by today's sharpest comedic minds.
It's like when you toss a guy in a pit and throw rocks down on him.
But instead of rocks, it's jokes,
and instead of screaming, there's laughter.
But you hate being teased.
The last guy who teased you, you threw in a pit.
And then you filled the pit with boulders.
[babbling]
That was the old me.
No longer a man of rocks. I'm a man of peace.
Okay, but then, what are you doing with those boulders?
Never mind about those.
[Freckles] Good evening, nobles and numbskulls.
Tonight, we're here to poke fun at King Zøg,
and I want to start by thanking him for making it so easy.
Let's face it. We all know why Zøg became king.
The job of village idiot was taken.
[laughing]
[all laughing]
Our first comedian is no stranger to being insulted.
Elfo the elf.
Uh… [chuckles nervously]
[clears throat] Okay.
[clears throat] I'm sort of new at this, so--
[Luci burps]
[clears throat]
-Can it. I-- -All right, that was Elfo, everybody.
-[all applauding] -No, I haven't even started.
-Zøg, right? [laughs] -No, that's not… You just burped.
That's not fair.
-You had your time. -No, I didn't.
You had your time. It was a very funny joke and we all laughed.
-No-- -So, Zøg!
-[Elfo] No-- -[Luci] My man!
Excuse me. I'm sorry. If I could just get your attention, please.
I'm in the middle of my set right now. You're interrupting my flow.
That's… [sighs] Okay. Hi, I'm Elfo.
[man coughs]
-I thought that'd hit a little harder-- -Right. Okay, that was Elfo, everybody.
No, that's not… Nuh-uh. I'm not--
The seven o'clock show is completely different than the ten o'clock show.
-That's us… -Come on back.
[Elfo] I've got a tight 50 minutes, so…
-And the clock-- -All right. You'll do it later.
-All right, guys. -No.
-If you're driving, don't drink-- -[shouting] Excuse me!
Let me finish!
Whoa, okay.
So, I'm gonna start again.
Hi. I'm Elfo.
Okay. I thought maybe the second time 'cause, you know…
-Okay-- -So, Zøg, right?
I mean, this guy, he's like…
[babbling]
Doesn't Zøg kind of sound like he's drowning or he's choking on soup?
[Luci chuckles]
-Boo! -What you be booing me for?
-I don't know. -This is solid material.
-Boo! -You can't boo me.
Can you guys please not do this on stage?
If you want to come down, you can do it.
It's getting really embarrassing right now.
No, this is a roast.
-We're roasting each other. -I know.
But if you're gonna fight back and forth, do it separately.
Come up here for the comedy.
Okay. Somebody had a bad set.
I'm not trying to do a set.
I'm gonna step back down 'cause I'm not trying to
prove myself in some masculine way.
Okay. The queen of comedy is chiming in like she knows what's up.
-Let's hear your one-liners. -Yeah.
-I don't have any. -Hey, so, Bean, right?
It's like, "What is she? A vegetable?"
-Ho! -[chuckles]
-Nailed it. -Beans. [chuckles]
What is this? Ironic hipster comedy?
Somebody get me a fat joke.
Sorry. We're just… And then we're working up to a bit. Uh…
[all scatting]
Yikes! Meet me at midnight.
Get Dinky first. [grunts]
[scatting continues]
I don't want to put any notions in your head,
but if I was you, I wouldn't trust Bean no more.
-Whoo! -Yeah! [chuckles nervously]
Please don't throw that boulder.
[crickets chirping]
This was not the makeover I had in mind.
[eerie music playing]
Bean's so predictable.
One, she's gonna come over here.
Two, she's gonna say, "Shut up, Freckles."
Three, she's gonna say you're crazy.
And four, she's gonna try and stop you from throwing that boulder.
-Hey, Dad. -One.
-Shut up, Freckles! -Two.
-So, crazy night, huh? -Three.
[muttering angrily]
-Dad, please put the boulder down. -Four!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, from the bottom of my heart.
This has been my best and only complete performance ever.
-[Zøg grunting] -Oh, no!
[all screaming]
[Zøg yelling]
-Okay, I got rid of Beanie. -What?
Well, I mean, she ain't gonna bother you no more.
Now, if we could get into your past, we could see what's really troubling you.
I don't know.
My motto is I leave my brain alone, and it leaves me alone.
Why the hell would I want to do that?
So I could find what I want.
I mean, so I can probe you for your repressed memories.
Yeah.
[Zøg groans]
Oh, you just close your eyes, Zøggy.
[to the tune of "Rock-a-bye Baby"] ♪ Sleep, little king ♪
♪ It's not hard to do ♪
♪ But I'd be careful if I was you ♪
♪ The things you hide While you're wide awake ♪
♪ Stand out in your dreams for me to ♪
♪ Take ♪
[snoring]
[ominous music playing]
[Zøg snoring]
[muttering]
Oh, no… [babbling]
Repressed memories! [yells]
Oh, Freckles. Thank God you woke me up.
I was having a nightmare. [burps]
What? The kitchen ran out of butter?
No, it was about my childhood.
The kitchen ran out of pizza?
Quit joking around. This is serious.
Come on, let's take a walk.
Or, in your case, a waddle. [chuckles]
You're having nightmares 'cause you repress your memories
instead of sharing 'em with good friends like me.
Freckles, your good friend.
Uh, I guess I haven't had anyone I can really share with
since my big brother Yøg.
My big brother Yøg! That's me and Yøg there.
[grumbles]
Wait a minute. This is still a goddamn dream, ain't it?
Nothing gets by you, eh, professor?
Now, shut up and let's see why this is locked away in your brain.
[wheels turning]
[thudding]
-[people exclaiming] -[clucking]
[Freckles] Look out, poor people! Spoiled brats coming through!
[laughs]
Little trivia. One of these races is how Old Man Touchy lost his eyes.
[young Zøg] Somebody invent brakes, quick!
-[both scream] -[clattering]
-[woman 1] Yøg's hurt! -[woman 2] Yøg!
[man] Yøg!
Oh, guess they only care about the heir, not the spare.
-I don't like this dream no more. -Me, neither.
Let's skip ahead to your puberty. That's where the good stuff starts.
Uh-oh…
[to the tune of "Ave Maria"] ♪ Zøge Maria ♪
[vocalizing]
Ah, your brother Yøg may become king of Dreamland,
but you, young Zøg, will soon become king of the castrati.
Yes!
On to the royal recital!
[vocalizing]
[footsteps approaching]
Boys, this is where a dad gives his sons words of encouragement.
Yøg, you're perfect.
Zøg, try not to disappointment me this time.
-I'll try, Daddy. -[Dad exhales]
[somber instrumental music playing]
Hmm?
[exhales]
[sighs]
[audience applauding]
[clears throat]
[in gravelly voice] ♪ Zøge Maria… ♪
Either his testicles go, or I do.
[all booing]
[all clamoring]
Cut them off!
No.
Stop murmuring at me.
[grumbling]
I'm a delicate flower over here. [yells]
[sighs] Thank God. I'm finally awake.
Wait a minute. Left ball, right ball.
Phew!
I can't be dreaming no more.
[sighs] I'll just stay awake forever.
Hey, where the hell do you think you're going?
I gotta find Bean.
I can't treat her the way my dad treated me.
[sinister music playing]
Hey, Bean. Bean. [whistles]
Bean? Hey. Huh?
-[yells] -Did I wake you up?
-[grunts] -Oh, you can't sleep either.
What's going on, Dad?
I had another nightmare,
but not the one where I get pulled underwater by little bug-eyed fish people.
It's a whole new type of dream where I think I'm awake,
but I'm not.
Oh, Dad, I get it completely.
You dread even closing your eyes, right?
Yeah.
-And you want me to stay awake with you? -Could you?
[both snoring]
[groaning]
Oh, Freckles, how do you always know when I'm having a bad dream?
I don't know.
Maybe it's your distinct combination of snoring and screaming!
Uh, it's this castle. Something about it intensifies dreams.
And I ain't a guy who should be intensified.
So, let's get you out of the castle.
♪ La, la, la, la, la… ♪
[grumbles] You sure this is safe?
-Would I lead you astray? -[sinister music playing]
Hey, I see me.
Yeah, unfortunately, I do, too.
Eee!
[grumbling]
Nobody loves me. They all love Yøg.
[seal barks]
Aw, sorry, fella.
I didn't mean to kick you when you're down.
Believe me, I know how that feels.
There. You're free.
Come on. Go! Get!
What's wrong with you, huh? You need some help?
-[grunting] -[seal groaning]
Uh…
[barks]
Thanks for freeing my friend, but you didn't have to carry him.
He's just lazy.
[gasps] Whoa!
A mermaid.
I didn't think mermaids was real.
Whoa, your grammar is pretty shaky.
[man] Look, a sea monster! Kill it!
Yeah, kill it! Kill it!
What are we looking at?
Quick, take my hand.
-It's Zøg! -The sea monster's pulling him under.
[serene instrumental music playing]
[Zøg groans]
Trust me.
I can't. I'm scared of bubbles.
Here they come! Whoa!
[gasps]
Look, Zøg's alive.
He killed the sea monster.
He saved Dreamland!
Zøg's a hero!
Oh, that's gonna be one hard statue to build, but we're gonna do it.
From that day on, I was known throughout Dreamland
as Zøg the Beast Slayer.
But to myself, I was Zøg the Lovelorn.
They even built a goddamn statue of me in the town square.
But I didn't kill no sea monster. I hugged a seal.
The statue. That's it!
Hey, you're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you?
And blow it for myself?
What do you think I am? A dummy?
Dad, what are you doing?
He was just falling for his first love.
-[screams] -[Freckles] Oopsie.
-[laughing] -[Zøg grunts]
[groaning]
Dad, take my hand.
I'm okay, Bean. Trust me. This is just a dream.
-No, this is real. -[screams]
[both screaming]
-[sinister music playing] -[Enchantress] Have a pleasant sleep?
[groans] Who the hell are you?
We are Aunt Rebecca and Uncle Cloyd.
Who you thought you blowed up, but didn't.
Is it blowed up or blewed up?
Cram it, Cloyd.
God, how many creepy puppets does this castle have?
If I weren't tied up like a delicious holiday goose, I'd kill you.
You… [grunting]
[both laughing]
Yeah, you better scram. Luci!
Elfo!
Hi.
Who the hell was that?
Aw, the axe I gave you on your sixteenth birthday.
We'll go after those damn puppets.
Dad, you lock down the castle and get help.
Hmm.
And not from Turbish and Mertz.
Well, that's strange.
Sorcerio, did you bring two other puppets to life?
You know you can't ask me to remember things on Margarita Monday.
[Cloyd] Yoohoo, Freckles?
Hurry up, you dimwits. [knocking]
I know it's here somewhere. Aha!
Yeah. [chuckling]
Down we go.
Captain, Bean's chasing some dollies around.
Not now, Derek. Mommy's keelhauling.
-I love you, Oona! -[water splashing]
[Freckles chuckles]
[whispers] Follow the chuckles.
We're going back under the castle.
Under the moat.
[Elfo] Wow! How many lower levels does this place have?
Dungeon, catacombs, secret society sex chamber,
Trøgtown, castle laundry services
seldom used exercise room, cheese cave, old castle mental ward,
new castle mental ward, vomitorium, king's comic book collection…
-How's it hanging, gentlemen? -[grunts]
We're hunting puppets.
Okay, boys, stay by my side.
[muttering]
Nothing but gold coins. Keep looking.
[all screaming]
-[Bean grunts] -Whoa!
[chuckling]
[grunts]
What the hell?
This ain't my castle.
[chuckling]
[panting]
[grunts]
[whispering] Guys, wait up.
Who's there? Elfo? Luci?
Aunt Becky? Aunt Rebecca?
I'm stuck. [grunts]
[Zøg] Bean? Where are you?
[Bean] Dad! Help! I'm trapped!
I'm coming, Beanie! [panting]
Yeah, see you later, Pops! [chuckling]
-[Zøg] Oh, no! -Dad!
[water splashing]
Dad?
[closing theme music playing]