1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,925
[opening theme music playing]

2
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,344
[man] Hey!

3
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,273
[suspenseful music playing]

4
00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:26,192
[thunder cracks]

5
00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:32,949
[knock on door]

6
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,994
First rain, now someone's a-knockin'?

7
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,663
'Tis far too much excitement
for folk like us.

8
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:39,748
See who it is.

9
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,541
Tell them we're not worthy.

10
00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:43,835
[monster snorting and breathing heavily]

11
00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:45,045
'Tis a monster.

12
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,629
Well, come in, come in.

13
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,424
[man] Have a bowl of flavorless mush.

14
00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:50,425
-[monster grunts]
-[glass shatters]

15
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,343
[man and woman scream]

16
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,137
[woman] We're sorry for screaming.

17
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,181
-[man loudly] Not the stool!
-[monster screeching]

18
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:00,393
[thunder cracking]

19
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:05,899
[exclaims]

20
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,068
[sighs in relief]

21
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:12,614
-[thunder cracks]
-Oh, God! Oona, you scared me.

22
00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:14,115
Yes, I get that a lot.

23
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,951
-[thunder cracks]
-[exclaims] Turbish! You scared me!

24
00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,995
Yes, I get that a lot.

25
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:22,373
[exhales] I'm still recovering
from last night's old-timer sex party.

26
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,584
There was a lot of drooping and dangling.

27
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:27,921
You missed the exciting
Sabre Dance accident.

28
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:30,548
That really happened, right?
With everybody nude?

29
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,342
Including me, including you…

30
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:34,135
Oh, God. Including you, Turbish?

31
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,053
Fun times.

32
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:36,513
Get outta here!

33
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:39,015
Dad saw it all. We drove him crazy.

34
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:41,100
I felt even more naked than I was.

35
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:43,478
Is no shame. You have nice butt cheeks.

36
00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:44,395
Stop!

37
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:48,066
And are lucky you did not inherit
red, bushy hair from your father.

38
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:49,359
She's right, you know?

39
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,861
Turbish, scram! [sighs in exasperation]

40
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:55,532
Man, Dreamland is in trouble.
We've gotta do something.

41
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,659
[loudly] Turbish! I hear you breathing.

42
00:01:57,742 --> 00:01:59,327
Okay, I'll stop.

43
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,413
[inhales sharply] Oh! It's too hard.

44
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:03,498
Get outta here.

45
00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:05,291
[Turbish] I go bye now. Bye.

46
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,626
-Bye.
-[Turbish] Bye.

47
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,294
-[Zøg honking]
-And listen.

48
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,295
[Zøg honking]

49
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,382
Oh, good, he's honking.
That's better than screaming.

50
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,386
[softly] Quietly announcing the arrival

51
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:20,056
of Pirate Queen Oona
and Princess Tiabeanie,

52
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:24,060
so as not to upset
the king's delicate disposition.

53
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,812
Huh? What's that?

54
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:30,191
[loudly] I said it's your slinky ex-wife
Oona and troubled daughter Bean!

55
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,276
[screams]

56
00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:32,986
Oh, poor Zøg.

57
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,446
You are tied up
like giant, sweaty rump roast.

58
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,157
And maybe some tater tots?

59
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,617
And a side of green beans? [groans]

60
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:42,745
Oh, my God.
Can you at least show my dad some dignity?

61
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:43,955
I mean, he's our king.

62
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:49,002
Yes, of course, Princess.
We will treat Zøg with our utmost respect.

63
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,546
Until it's no longer necessary.

64
00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:52,755
[Bean] What did you mean by that?

65
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,507
Nothing. Nothing at all. [chuckles]

66
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:55,758
That you have to worry about.

67
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,260
What did you mean by that?

68
00:02:57,343 --> 00:03:00,638
Please, Tiabeanie, you can trust us.

69
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,557
-Wink.
-[sighs]

70
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,268
Hey, Oona, who do you think
I should punch first?

71
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:09,731
Careful, Bean. What Dreamland
need right now is steady hand.

72
00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:11,190
-Oh, and a new army.
-What?

73
00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,401
Elfo scared off
all the new recruits last night

74
00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:15,737
with his moonlight
slappin' on the bum-bum.

75
00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,822
[gasps] You saw that?

76
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,616
Oh, yeah, we all saw it, Elfo.

77
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,451
And we'll never unsee it.

78
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,661
We only have 12 arrows left.

79
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,289
We keep aiming at seagulls and missing.

80
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,206
Turbish!

81
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:31,461
Bean, I take care of crazy Zøggy.
You take care of crazy kingdom.

82
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:35,381
[whispering] It's going to be okay.

83
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,674
[babbling]

84
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,217
No more honking.

85
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:41,346
-No, no, no more honking.
-[Zøg honks]

86
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:44,807
♪ Honks go away
Bye-bye, honking ♪

87
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,893
♪ No more honking ♪

88
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,853
[snoring] Mmm.

89
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,355
[mumbling]

90
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:56,986
[whispering] Ah! Now, everyone tiptoe out,
quiet as dead mouse.

91
00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,617
[shouting] A monster comes for us all!

92
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:03,534
[screams]

93
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,430
All right, you simple country folks.

94
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:27,016
Uh, tell me exactly
what happened with the monster.

95
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,769
It trampled my corn
with its humongous feet.

96
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,896
It tossed Granny into the next kingdom.

97
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,483
It rampaged through my pantry
and befouled everything.

98
00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:37,026
Oh, my, the smearing.

99
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,611
It stole my butter.

100
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:39,946
[Luci softly] Hey, psst, Bean.

101
00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:42,573
Isn't it weird
the monster ate everything in sight,

102
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,034
but didn't touch these succulent pigs?

103
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,869
Maybe it's a kosher monster?

104
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,205
Merkimer, did you see
a monster around here?

105
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,458
Sorry, I tend not to notice
things that aren't me.

106
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,836
What do we do, Detective Tiabeanie?

107
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:56,963
-[indistinct chatter]
-I don't know yet.

108
00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:59,132
Then we'll handle this ourselves!

109
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:00,508
[villagers cheer]

110
00:05:00,591 --> 00:05:02,969
[man] Gouge its eyes out, one at a time.

111
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,429
Oh, my. What fun.

112
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,682
Elfo, Luci, stop!

113
00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:10,893
Uh, wish I could, but my feet
are going this way. Sorry, Bean.

114
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,186
[Luci] The masses have spoken.

115
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,689
No! Violence never solves anything.

116
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:17,608
Except for the one time
it solved all that stuff.

117
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,235
But that was once.

118
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,446
Why are you still here?
The mob went that way.

119
00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:23,531
All right, jeez.

120
00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:25,241
-What's your name?
-Sam Buca.

121
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,077
-"Sambuca"?
-No, Sam Buca.

122
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,747
First name, "Sam." Last name, "Buca."

123
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,457
-Hold on…
-What?

124
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,959
-Are you married to Denise?
-Yeah.

125
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:35,877
-Buca?
-Yeah.

126
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,046
-Oh, here we go.
-What?

127
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,256
Well, I don't wanna get into it,

128
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:44,135
but down at the pub,
she was stealin' mugs.

129
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,012
Yeah, well, that's how we get mugs.

130
00:05:46,095 --> 00:05:49,390
You can't just steal mugs
from an established place.

131
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,059
-Oh, and you don't?
-No, I don't.

132
00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,853
-Yeah, you don't steal mugs.
-Look, I--

133
00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:56,230
If I need a mug,
I'll go and use it at the bar.

134
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:59,150
Just go home to Denise.
I'm sure you guys can, you know…

135
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,819
-Drink from mugs?
-Yeah, that you stole.

136
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:05,198
-Not… Yeah. Okay, fine.
-Okay, fine.

137
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:07,867
-I've gotta go.
-Well, I'm… Yeah, you should go.

138
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,285
I'll tell Denise you said--

139
00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:11,370
No, please do not tell her
anything about me.

140
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,081
Well, she has to know.

141
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,333
Don't you have a mob to join?

142
00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:18,336
Yeah, maybe I do. Ciao.

143
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:19,670
Uh, what?

144
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:22,715
I'm gonna go eat some chow. I'm hungry.

145
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,467
Some detective you are.

146
00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:28,513
[villagers clamoring]

147
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:38,564
[monster grunting]

148
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:42,485
Look, there it goes!

149
00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:44,195
We got ourselves a runner!

150
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:46,614
[chuckles] They always head
for the abandoned tower.

151
00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:47,824
[villagers clamoring]

152
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:57,291
We don't wanna kill ya,
we just wanna burn ya some.

153
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:00,419
Stop! Stop! Monsters are people, too.

154
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,880
No, they're not.
We're barely people ourselves.

155
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:06,592
Okay, until we find out what it is,
we're not burning anything.

156
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:09,637
Too late, ma'am.
Rufus done set the castle on fire.

157
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:13,891
God damn it.

158
00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:19,272
Don't die in there, Bean.
I'm not stable enough for grief right now.

159
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:20,523
And I want my knife back.

160
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:23,651
[Elfo groans]

161
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:28,823
[grunts]

162
00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:29,907
[panting]

163
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,287
-[breathing heavily] Hi. Hey.
-[grunts]

164
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,038
Hi.

165
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,415
I'm Bean.

166
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:40,543
Okay, so, you see
that crazy castle over there?

167
00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:42,211
That's where I'm from.

168
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,463
No, no, not that one.

169
00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:46,215
That's the mini-golf course
that no one goes to anymore, 'cause…

170
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,344
Anyway, okay, listen.
I know things look pretty bad right now.

171
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:53,306
The rubes have you cornered,
the tower's on fire,

172
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:56,559
and I'm pointing this big knife
at what I think is your face.

173
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:59,770
Which I will use if I have to,
but I don't want to.

174
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,230
I wanna be your friend.

175
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,482
Believe it or not,

176
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:06,235
I know what it feels like
to be burned alive by a mob of idiots.

177
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,655
I get it, you're scared. I'm scared, too.

178
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:13,451
If we both stay calm,
and nobody makes any sudden moves,

179
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:15,411
this whole thing will turn out fine.

180
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,414
What do you say we hug it out
and head downstairs?

181
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,875
-Oh, my God, you're on fire! Okay…
-[screeching]

182
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,636
-Merkimer?
-[grunts]

183
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:34,639
[both grunting]

184
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,142
[monster groans]

185
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:42,563
No one hurt him
any more than he already is.

186
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:45,399
It's not a monster, okay?
It's Prince Merkimer.

187
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:46,442
[all gasp]

188
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,195
One of your many handsome fiancés.

189
00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:52,323
I'd know my fine, dimpled ass anywhere.

190
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:54,617
-Stay back, Rufus!
-[groans]

191
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:57,161
-[Mertz] We got him.
-[Turbish] We caught the monster.

192
00:08:57,245 --> 00:09:00,540
That's no monster.
That's Sam Buca, the mug thief.

193
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,708
Ooh, the mystery of the missin' mugs--

194
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:03,834
Has been solved.

195
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:06,671
This is a vendetta
'cause you're jealous of Denise.

196
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,214
No, this is not a vendetta.

197
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:11,217
This is because these buffoons
are the worst backup ever.

198
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,761
I have no army. Dreamland is screwed!

199
00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:15,888
-Denise says hi.
-What?

200
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,431
She says she's high.

201
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:20,726
On bread mold? And you can't have any.

202
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,026
What's your prognosis, Sorcerio?

203
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,238
I'm not sure what that word means,
but look at this.

204
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:34,991
Every time I jab him, he squeals.

205
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:35,992
[squeals]

206
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,828
What about the curse?
Can you get Merkimer back into his body?

207
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:41,247
I have such a yearning
for opposable thumbs.

208
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,292
Do you know how hard it is
to pleasure oneself with hooves?

209
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,710
'Tis well-nigh impossible!

210
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,712
A curse reversal, you say?

211
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:51,799
This is a job for a wizard
of exceptional power.

212
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:53,134
So I'm out.

213
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,137
You mean I'm trapped
as a useless pig forever?

214
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:58,347
[shouting] No!

215
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:02,476
On the bright side, look at this
cool trick I just taught the human you.

216
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,477
-Flick.
-[gulps]

217
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,520
Good.

218
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,438
-Flick!
-[gulps]

219
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:06,355
Good.

220
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,773
Please stop that.

221
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,611
You compound my sorrow
with those nauseating cheeseballs.

222
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:15,072
Oh, my God, you guys.
It totally looks like he's talking!

223
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,782
Elfo, flick him another one.

224
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:17,867
[Elfo] Flick.

225
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,243
Merkimer, say something.

226
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:22,663
I don't know what you're trying to pull,
but I've been humiliated enough.

227
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:26,959
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like to enjoy this butter I stole.

228
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,253
[gulps]

229
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:33,215
Oh, sweet butter, you're the only thing
right with the world.

230
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:36,802
Oh, Bean, you're right. It's uncanny.

231
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:39,430
Hmm, how many
of those snack treats you got?

232
00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,265
What do you think
that sack is filled with?

233
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,976
Pack your cheeseballs.
We're going to Bentwood.

234
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:46,604
[adventurous music playing]

235
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:05,206
I'm sorry,
but we're not taking refugees today.

236
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,374
Or any day.

237
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:07,625
Of course, no. Yeah.

238
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:11,462
Uh, I'm actually Princess Tiabeanie
from the mighty kingdom of Dreamland,

239
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:15,424
and we're on a diplomatic mission
of great secrecy and importance.

240
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,134
Not in that thing, you ain't.

241
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,558
For God's sake, enough chitter chatter.

242
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:28,979
Let us in right now or I'll have you
transferred to an early grave.

243
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,190
Prince Merkimer! Forgive me.

244
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:34,485
I'll order your usual fanfare immediately.
[claps twice]

245
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:37,321
[playing smooth jazz tune]

246
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:43,953
Bow lower.

247
00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:45,913
Even lower.

248
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,581
-[all grunt]
-[snickers]

249
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,459
[regal harpsichord music playing]

250
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:01,512
[Bean] Huh. Actually not as grand
as I thought it'd be.

251
00:12:01,595 --> 00:12:02,972
[Merkimer] That's the garage.

252
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,690
[playing regal tune]

253
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:16,861
[Merkimer] Mother! Father!

254
00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:17,820
The rest of you.

255
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:22,324
I, Prince Merkimer of Bentwood,
welcome you all to my return.

256
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:24,869
Is that Merkimer? [groans]

257
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:26,454
You hug him this time.

258
00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:37,673
[soldiers grunt]

259
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:39,717
Oh, happy day.

260
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,180
Uh… Merkimer, my favorite son
since my favorite son died.

261
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,389
You've returned.

262
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,601
But this is impossible.
You were transposed into a pig.

263
00:12:48,684 --> 00:12:49,977
I saw it. How did you--

264
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:53,063
Sorcerio, our fabulous wizard,

265
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:57,401
he switched your pig-son Merkimer
back into his human-body Merkimer.

266
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:58,319
[all gasp]

267
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:02,156
I return your son to you,
asking nothing in return.

268
00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:04,742
Except for… [clears throat]

269
00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:06,785
one little favor?

270
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:07,703
Oh, here we go.

271
00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:11,081
Dreamland needs
a large amount of money, right away,

272
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:13,709
and maybe some cannons,
arrows, plus shields and swords.

273
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:15,628
And what're those
ball-chain-y things called?

274
00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:18,380
You dare ask for ball-chain-y things

275
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,966
after killing one son
and pig-ifying the other?

276
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,343
I hear you, I do.

277
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:26,472
I'm listening hard,
but I need you to listen back.

278
00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:30,893
Prince Merkimer might have something
to say that'll change your minds.

279
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,019
You're on, baby.

280
00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,354
-Flick.
-[gulps]

281
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,360
Friends, enemies, friends with benefits,

282
00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:43,239
lackeys, lickspittles,
flunkies, flatterers, ass-kissers

283
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,824
and all of fair Bentwood, listen up.

284
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,994
Today, you receive a gift from heaven.

285
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:49,912
Me.

286
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,038
[crowd cheers]

287
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:52,873
[Elfo] Flick.

288
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:56,544
And for this gift, we owe
a tremendous debt of gratitude

289
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,045
to none other than…

290
00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:00,381
-me.
-[whispering] What?

291
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:04,343
Now, let the celebration
of all things Merkimer begin.

292
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:07,054
Free beer at the pub,
for as long as my allowance lasts.

293
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:08,722
That's not why we came here.

294
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,850
-[crowd cheers]
-[upbeat harpsichord music playing]

295
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,022
Great speech.

296
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:20,234
Now, maybe can we talk about the money
and weapons we came here for?

297
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:23,028
In due time, Bean. In due time.

298
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:24,780
[indistinct chatter]

299
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:26,407
[Merkimer chuckles]

300
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:28,492
[Bean sighs in exasperation]

301
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,248
A toast to Prince Merkimer.

302
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:39,211
A gallant guzzler who never met a table
he couldn't drink someone under.

303
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,589
[all chanting] Slurp, slurp, slurp.

304
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:42,965
Huzzah!

305
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,216
Good show.

306
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,427
Just like old times, eh, Merk?

307
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:47,803
-Quite so.
-[burps]

308
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,179
[all laughing]

309
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:52,683
[oinks]

310
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:54,977
[all chuckle]

311
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,939
I thought we were done with this charade
when he went off and became a pig.

312
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,816
Which was a step up, by the way.

313
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,109
[all laughing]

314
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:03,903
[sighs]

315
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,120
[groaning]

316
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,833
[Bean] Ugh, God, where's his bed?
It's dark in here.

317
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,084
It's right in front of you.

318
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,878
-[grunts]
-[thud]

319
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,297
-Close enough. What a jerk.
-Big jerk.

320
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:27,968
Of all the jerks in this jerk kingdom,
I think the worst is Merkimer.

321
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:28,886
Sigh.

322
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:30,596
I forgive you.

323
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:33,349
I know you didn't mean
for me to overhear that.

324
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:34,433
I did mean that.

325
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,606
[Bunny] Oh, brother-husband.

326
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,900
There's that pig
our son seems so attached to!

327
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,777
Ugh, hideous creature.

328
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:46,737
What do you mean? The pig or our son?

329
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,072
[both laugh]

330
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,744
Woe is me.

331
00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:58,165
I'm so very, very, very, very, very…

332
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,625
[continues repeating]

333
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:08,801
sad.

334
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,935
Leave me be.
I'm crestfallen and I can't get up.

335
00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:19,561
All right, knock off the self-pity.

336
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,648
We're wasting time, and drinks
are really expensive in this place.

337
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:25,234
We need to close the deal
with your parents now.

338
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:26,527
Where's Big Boy Merkimer?

339
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:27,945
[scoffs] I don't know.

340
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:30,948
Last time I saw him, he was in the corner
trying to mount his own shadow.

341
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:34,201
He abandoned me,
like everyone eventually does.

342
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,911
-I'm so alone.
-[door closes]

343
00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:37,913
Sigh.

344
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:45,045
[Bean] Why did I think Merkimer
would ever come through for us?

345
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,213
God, I feel so naive.

346
00:16:46,296 --> 00:16:49,299
[Luci] I would have also accepted
stupid, foolish or schmucky.

347
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:52,928
You don't need that little pink squealer.
You can ask his parents yourself.

348
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,682
Hey, yeah! I'll just put on
the ol' pathetic, single princess act.

349
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:57,599
[chuckles]

350
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,226
Yeah, "put on."

351
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,064
Mad.

352
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,650
[Bean] Look, there's Merkimer.

353
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,652
But where are King Lorenzo
and Queen Bunny?

354
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,904
[Merkimer] Mumsy and Daddy?
I had enough of them.

355
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,823
Merkimer, shut up. You're not helping.

356
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:14,116
I'm not trying to help.

357
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:15,993
Also, I didn't say anything.

358
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,036
Then who did?

359
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,328
It was I.

360
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,289
-[all exclaim]
-What?

361
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:21,290
You can talk?

362
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:24,168
I can even soliloquize,
Princess Tiabeanie.

363
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:26,879
Once, I lived a wild
and carefree bachelor life

364
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:29,423
of rampaging naked across the countryside.

365
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:31,216
But you took that away from me.

366
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:34,219
From the moment you hosed me off,
I have been watching you.

367
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,556
Slowly, I learned to speak,
but I held my tongue,

368
00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:42,978
biding my time until the moment I could
deploy the art you've best schooled me in.

369
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,563
-Backstabbing.
-[all gasp]

370
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,525
Welcome to my one-man revolution.

371
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,818
This is a coup.

372
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,863
I've imprisoned everyone
who laughed at me, belittled me,

373
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:55,115
or beat me at badminton.

374
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,658
Guards who live in this tube,

375
00:17:56,742 --> 00:18:01,455
come to the throne room immediately
and arrest the princess and her boy-toys.

376
00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:03,624
Oh, I like that. Hey!

377
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:05,584
Merkimer, do something.

378
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:06,960
I intend to.

379
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,089
[grunts]

380
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:12,216
Take her away.

381
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:14,802
What? I thought
that we were buds, you know?

382
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,387
We had, like, a banter! We bonded!

383
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:20,933
And we're both screwed-up royal kids,
searching for ourselves.

384
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:24,520
It would take a lot of love-making with me
to change my mind.

385
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:25,687
Take me away.

386
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,315
I'm gonna tell your mumsy
and daddy about this.

387
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:31,693
Please do.
They're awaiting you in the dungeon.

388
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:36,281
You know, Merkimer?
I have dreamed of this day all my life.

389
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,492
Seeing myself sitting there on the throne.

390
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:39,868
Ruler over all.

391
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,578
Vanquisher of my enemies.

392
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,789
A big, fat smirk on my face.

393
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:45,374
But it's been a lonely dream.

394
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:48,001
Amazingly, I've had
the same dream myself, Merkimer.

395
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:49,503
-Really?
-Really.

396
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,880
Here, I have something for you.

397
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,383
And I, you.

398
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:00,722
Merkimer.

399
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,141
Oh, Merkimer.

400
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:04,768
[both laughing]

401
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,819
[both continue laughing]

402
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:26,331
We wouldn't be in this dungeon

403
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:29,710
if you'd married our spoiled,
ungrateful son in the first place.

404
00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:32,212
Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't marry a pig

405
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,381
just so you could have
more poor people to tax.

406
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:37,926
Don't play coy with me.
You know what that alliance was about.

407
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,095
Yeah, finally settling my bar tab.

408
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,223
Young lady, it had nothing to do
with our fabulous wealth,

409
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,852
and everything to do
with Dreamland's secret resources.

410
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,228
And I will get them.

411
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:50,772
Lorenzo always gets what he wants.

412
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:54,109
Guards, let us out this instant.

413
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,195
No way, you greedy bastard.

414
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:57,529
[sighs]

415
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,451
[both laughing]

416
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:04,536
I just heard about the coup.

417
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:05,996
As the palace wizard,

418
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:09,374
I offer you my humble
but fabulous magical services,

419
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,335
Your revolutionary Highnesses.

420
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,962
Please, call us what we call ourselves.

421
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,672
[both] The Merkimer boys.

422
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:17,174
Oh, God.

423
00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:22,429
[snorts]

424
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,185
[gasps] Mom?

425
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:31,563
My poor Bean. Tricked by a pig.

426
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,399
Don't you know
you can't trust anyone but yourself?

427
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:37,027
Your friends will all
leave you in the end.

428
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,820
Every last one.

429
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:42,241
And then you'll be all alone,
with only me behind you.

430
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:43,158
[gasps]

431
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,079
Luci, you wouldn't leave me, would you?

432
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:50,415
No. Till death do us part, Beanie baby.

433
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:55,045
Merkimer, I've come to a decision.
I want to be a pig again.

434
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,589
You do? You surprise me, me.

435
00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:00,676
Yes. I see the way
you eat and sleep and bathe…

436
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:01,677
Well, not bathe.

437
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,136
And I long for those days.

438
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,473
I want to switch bodies
with you again. What say you?

439
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,558
Well, it's only my most fondest wish.

440
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:09,810
But this is impossible.

441
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:13,480
It would take a wizard of great competence
to produce such a spell.

442
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,732
You mean anyone but Sorcerio.

443
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,943
The potion is ready.

444
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:19,987
I drew blood from the visiting elf.

445
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,571
My, what a squirmer.

446
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:23,156
We can dispose of him now.

447
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,784
Poor, sweet Elmo.
He's always been there for us.

448
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:27,911
That's why I remembered his name.

449
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:37,337
[guard] Your Majesty,
the torture chamber is ready.

450
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,506
Torture chamber? Isn't that cruel?

451
00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:42,592
Your friend Bean wanted money.
Now, she'll drown in it.

452
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,636
[guard] Man, what a jerk.

453
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,179
Oh, is this thing on?

454
00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:49,433
Well, at least they gave us our own room.

455
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:54,313
Look, that ceiling panel's opening up.

456
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:55,939
-That ain't good.
-Ow!

457
00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:57,899
A coin? Ow!

458
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,027
Another coin. Ow!

459
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,863
Ow! Ow!

460
00:22:02,946 --> 00:22:07,326
-Hmm, I'm sensing a pattern here.
-Ow! Ow!

461
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:12,205
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

462
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,999
-Elfo.
-What? Ow!

463
00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:16,418
-Scoot away.
-No, I was here first. Ow!

464
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,920
-I'm not jealous of getting hit.
-Ow!

465
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:21,048
-Just scoot your--
-You clearly are. Ow!

466
00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:24,176
Ow! Ow! Ow!

467
00:22:24,259 --> 00:22:25,969
[chuckles softly] Jealous? Ow!

468
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,095
I'm not at all.

469
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:28,555
You clearly are. [shakily] Ow!

470
00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:29,890
I'm not. You're crying.

471
00:22:29,973 --> 00:22:31,433
No, I'm not. I love it!

472
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:33,852
[crying] It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

473
00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:35,771
Elfo, scoot away.

474
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:37,731
[crying] Help me! Ow.

475
00:22:38,231 --> 00:22:40,484
Let us toast. To us.

476
00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:42,736
Hold on a moment. What's that sound?

477
00:22:42,819 --> 00:22:43,779
What sound?

478
00:22:43,862 --> 00:22:46,656
Ow! Ow! Ow!

479
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:48,283
[Elfo] You know what really pisses me off?

480
00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:49,409
That we're gonna die?

481
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,453
[Elfo] No. Yes. Ow!

482
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:54,289
That it's all because
we trusted that stupid pig. Ow!

483
00:22:54,372 --> 00:22:56,041
And I thought he was our friend. Ow!

484
00:22:56,124 --> 00:22:57,334
-Oh, Elfo.
-[Elfo] Ow!

485
00:22:57,417 --> 00:22:59,377
We can't know
what's going on in Merkimer's heart.

486
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:00,295
[Elfo] Ow!

487
00:23:00,378 --> 00:23:02,464
But I refuse to believe
he would do this to us.

488
00:23:02,547 --> 00:23:03,381
[Elfo] Ow!

489
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,842
-[Bean] That stupid pig is our friend.
-[Elfo] Ow!

490
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:06,760
What?

491
00:23:06,843 --> 00:23:08,512
Here, I'll turn down the volume.

492
00:23:09,387 --> 00:23:12,474
Now, where were we? Oh, yes, right here.

493
00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:15,477
To me. To you. To us.

494
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:17,229
"Us"?

495
00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:19,481
Us?

496
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:21,775
[Bean grunting]

497
00:23:21,858 --> 00:23:23,193
[dramatic music playing]

498
00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:27,823
[Luci] Elfo, whatever you do,
keep your mouth shut.

499
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:30,033
You're not the boss of me-- [groans]

500
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,451
[Luci] Told ya. [chuckles]

501
00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:32,661
[groaning]

502
00:23:34,162 --> 00:23:36,623
[Elfo] Help! I swallowed $50!

503
00:23:36,706 --> 00:23:38,208
[Luci] Help me, not Elfo!

504
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:42,087
[groans] My wee hooves
are good for nothing. I'm useless.

505
00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:44,047
Just a fat, greasy pig.

506
00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:46,091
Why, that's it!

507
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:52,889
[squeals]

508
00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:56,685
[muffled groaning]

509
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:59,437
[gasping, breathing heavily]

510
00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:01,022
[grunting]

511
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:03,316
Am I the hero?

512
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,820
Oh, Merkimer. I'm so disappointed in you.

513
00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:08,029
And I, you.

514
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:12,117
[grunts]

515
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,661
What the hell, Merkimer?
Now you're kicking pigs?

516
00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:16,872
It's okay, Bean! I've learned how to roll.

517
00:24:17,455 --> 00:24:18,665
-[screams]
-[thud]

518
00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:20,584
-[gasps]
-[cackling]

519
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,211
Oh, no.

520
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:24,838
[dramatic music playing]

521
00:24:25,797 --> 00:24:26,840
Oh!

522
00:24:28,466 --> 00:24:30,552
-[exclaiming]
-[wizard exclaims]

523
00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:40,270
Hello, Bean.

524
00:24:40,353 --> 00:24:42,230
Shut up, you arrogant bastard.

525
00:24:42,314 --> 00:24:44,107
Touché, mon amour.

526
00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:47,694
With your brains and my beauty,
what a twosome we could've been.

527
00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:49,779
Maybe you weren't a monster
when I found you,

528
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:51,489
but I definitely turned you into one.

529
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,200
And now, I have to kill you.

530
00:24:53,783 --> 00:24:56,077
But I am the one spinning the flail.

531
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:57,537
That's what it's called.

532
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:01,291
Bean, look out!

533
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:05,170
[Bean] Whoa! [screams]

534
00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:10,258
[Elfo stammering] Bean, your boot!

535
00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:11,468
[Bean] Not again.

536
00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:13,178
Whee!

537
00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:14,721
-[thud]
-[human Merkimer] Quite sad.

538
00:25:14,804 --> 00:25:15,889
That's disgusting.

539
00:25:15,972 --> 00:25:18,099
Guys. Guys! Pull me up.

540
00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:20,227
[sighs]

541
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:21,645
[grunting]

542
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,733
[Bean] Faster, Turbish! Drive. Drive!

543
00:25:26,816 --> 00:25:29,819
Goodbye, Bentwood. Goodbye forever.

544
00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:31,571
Sorry I ruined everything.

545
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:33,698
No, you saved us, Merkimer.

546
00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:35,242
You're a better person as a pig

547
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:37,786
than any of those pigs
back there are as people.

548
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:38,995
Never forget that.

549
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:40,288
I suppose you're right.

550
00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:44,125
You may not have gotten any money,
you may not have gotten any weapons.

551
00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:47,337
But you escaped
with the greatest treasure of all.

552
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:48,255
Me.

553
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:50,840
Really coulda used that money, though.

554
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:52,467
[gagging]

555
00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:57,597
-Now, all we need is weapons.
-[coughs]

556
00:25:57,681 --> 00:25:59,808
We've got arrows!

557
00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:00,976
[all cheering]

558
00:26:03,311 --> 00:26:05,730
[closing theme music playing]