[theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
[wind howling]
[fire crackling]
[breathes deeply] Thanks, Bunty.
[Dagmar] Are my hands that chubby?
[gasps] Mom? Is that really you?
I'm always here for you, Bean.
Then why are you floating away?
Just go to the music box I gave you as a baby.
-What music box? -The one on the mantel.
-What mantel? -The mantel I gave you as a baby.
-Why did you give me a mantel? -Look, I said I had to go.
[gasps]
I should visit this part of my room more often.
[tune playing]
[Bean] Is that Mom and me?
Why do you think Mom betrayed us? Look at her. She looks so happy.
I'd like to tell you something about understanding women.
Yes?
I said I'd like to. Doesn't mean I can. Your mother really screwed us over.
Ugh! Marriage is a sham. Everybody talks about happily ever after.
You ever try to read about the after? You can't. The book just stops.
Dad, I'm sure you'll meet somebody else.
Uh, you really think so? Odval! Bring me my little black book.
Here you are, sire.
It's brave of you to open up again after so much heartbreak.
Oh, there you go. You're burning it.
Ah, I'm done with women. I'm just gonna learn to be happy in my loneliness.
Dad, just listen to your heart. It'll be okay.
Thanks, Beanie. You're a good kid.
[sighs]
This better be good, Odval.
I was getting some good quality moping done.
Sire, if I may speak candidly,
the mood of the king is the mood of the kingdom.
So, what are you telling me? The whole kingdom wants to punch you in the face?
Well, that's not really a mood. Oh, here comes the fist.
Well swung, sire. My point is,
when you're happy, the kingdom is happy-- [grunts]
Good one. Nevertheless, sire, I think you're really going to enjoy this.
Okay, get ready. Are you ready?
Okay, get ready. [stammers] Here we go.
Whoa. So many teeth. You said we were going to a buffet.
It is, of sorts. The most sophisticated and refined women on the continent.
All waiting to meet you.
I'm going out. I wanna be by myself.
All right, I'll get my shorts.
No, really. By myself.
Whoa. You elves have to walk through this filthy alley to get home?
No, no, no, no, no. This is home.
Whoa. I passed out here once and rats ate my freckles.
Welcome to Elf Alley.
Come on! But watch out for Weirdo.
[elf 1] Cobbler! Get your shoes filled with cherry cobbler!
Height guesser! Guess your height! Three feet. Three feet. Three feet.
Take a baby, leave a baby!
-[elf 2] Hey, mister, come here. -[Elfo] Hmm?
-Wanna play Slapjack? -Sure. Ow!
Here's your slap, Jack!
-Wanna play Slow-Mo? -Oh, okay. Ow!
Too slow, Mo.
-Wanna play Zip-a-dee-doo-dah? -I don't know.
Come on, parse it out. There's no slapping in the name.
It's a legitimate game, my friend. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!
-Come on, you wanna play? -Okay, if you say so.
Zip-a-dee! Doo-dah! Slap him!
-[slaps landing] -[Elfo grunting]
Elfo, you can play with your friends later. Come on.
-Hi, Elfo! -What the...
Oh. Hey, Kissy. What's up? How's your new boyfriend, Shrimpo?
Oh, he was just my rebound after you. Like you were my rebound after Bounce-o.
Elfo, I'm impressed. You're a little man of mystery.
Oh, you have no idea.
I can't help it. I like bad boys.
-Hi, I'm Luci. -[gasps] He stole my best line.
Need someone to show you the town, Kissy? Check out some cool spots?
Sure, Luci. That'd be nice.
Oh, there's not going to be anything nice about it.
-Ooh, you're bad. Pick me up at 8:00. -I'll be there at 10:00.
Well, now I can't chaperone, 'cause it's past my bedtime.
Here comes the hunter.
Brave. Deadly. Silent like the wind.
Ow! [grunting]
Oh, no, don't...
Don't take the... Oh, you son of a...
Why's this armor so tight?
Oh, yeah, I got fatter.
[yelling] My foot! You...
[leaves rustling]
[bear growling]
[Zog grunts]
Huh? Is that a woman or a bear?
[roars]
[gasps] It's a woman and a bear.
Wow! Huh?
[growls]
[grunts]
-[screaming] -[roaring]
Come on!
-[roaring] -[Zog grunting]
Ah, what?
[growling]
Ow! [grunts]
[growls]
[growling]
[both growling]
Are you okay?
[groans] I feel all tingly inside, like a teenager with botulism.
You're beautiful.
You took the words, and this tooth... [chuckles] right out of my mouth.
Look, neither way's the deal-breaker, but are you a bear or a woman?
I'm a forest selkie.
When I wear my fur, I'm a bear, and when I don't, I'm Ursula.
A selkie, huh? That's interesting, 'cause when I wear my crown I'm a king,
and when I don't, I'm still a king. I'm not showing off,
I'm just working into the conversation that I'm a king.
Oh. What's a king?
Oh. Well, it's an important man. The most important man. He's the top dog.
So you're a dog? Where's your fur?
[stammers] I'm not a dog. I live in a castle.
What's a castle?
[laughs]
It's a big dog house. Would you like to come see it?
Sure. Let me get my things.
Ready!
So, that's your big dog house up there, huh?
These are my ex-wife Oona's dresses.
I like that one, that one and that one.
You'll look great in them.
Stitch 'em together and make sure any stripes are vertical.
That's our finest guest suite, where you'll sleep.
That's the room where I store and eat puffed rice.
And this here is the throne room.
If you look right there,
there's a trapdoor in the floor that drops to the ocean.
It's amazing how many people stand on it.
I mean, look at it. It's quite noticeable.
Hey, guy with the hat, stand over here.
-[guy with the hat screams] -[both laughing]
See? I told you.
[water splashing]
I killed a lot of people that way. Whoa!
Um, where did those come from?
[laughs and stammers]
[groans]
Eh, those guys were jerks, anyway.
I once slapped Carl around for telling everyone we hibernated together
when we most certainly did not.
Who's sleeping now, Carl?
Who knew a carpet could have such a backstory?
-[laughs] -[grunts]
-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... -Oh.
Don't apologize. That's the hottest thing that's ever happened to me.
-[Zog and Ursula laughing] -Ugh.
Sire, at the risk of incurring your wrath,
I am afraid this "woman" is not up to royal standards.
Eh, I know what you mean, so I won't murder you.
She is different. She's simple, she's direct, she's unafraid of bees.
And termites, apparently.
I've never felt this way before, but I like it.
I mean, I don't know where this is going to go.
A cave, a tree, a thicket of brambles?
My money's on brambles, but I want to find out.
Bet you can't find me!
[exclaiming]
[sniffs]
-[roars] -Whoa!
Found you!
-[both laughing] -[Zog] Whoa, whoa!
Was it the scent of love?
Actually, it was the smell of cigars and pickles.
-Oh, is that what I smell like? -Yeah. Don't ever stop stinking.
You have my word.
-[groaning] -[music box playing tune]
Who keeps winding that goddamn music box?
-Bean. -[yells]
You must help me. You're my only hope.
I can't help you. I don't even know if I can trust you!
You don't have to trust me, Bean. I need you to trust yourself.
What does that mean?
The magic is a lot closer than you think.
Oh, I get it. The magic is inside me.
No, no, too vague, much too vague. Mummy's fault.
I meant you'll have to look around a bit.
-Mom, what do you mean? -[creaking]
[tune playing]
[sighs]
That's so weird. I was just dreaming of Mom!
You know, Dad, maybe it'll take us both a little time to move on.
Time? I moved on the second Ursula's hot, steaming breath
burnt the hair off the back of my neck.
Whoo! [chuckles]
Wow. I wish I could move on like you.
A Maruvian symbol? Here?
[speaking Latin]
"Something is hidden!"
Whatever. I got a date tonight. Oh, I better start getting ready.
Cigar. [puffs]
Pickle.
Cigar. [puffs]
Pickle.
God, are we even the same species?
[sniffing]
[sighs]
[Ursula slurping]
[Zog] Mmm.
[sighs] It's funny. They thought the plague was being spread by rats,
but it was just me running around biting people.
-Really? -It's all about hurting others, you know?
Wow!
Kissy, I saved you a seat next to me at the kids' table.
Oh, cute. Look at you two just swinging there.
Hmm. Think your sordid saucepan affair will make me jealous?
You trying to make me think you're in love?
[scoffs] I don't believe in love.
Come on, Luci. Let's get out of here.
You can tell me more about your timeshare idea.
Sure, but first, let me ask you a question.
How much did you spend on your last vacation?
By the way, sitting in a pot is unsanitary.
Can someone please give that a good scrub?
Ugh. I'll do it.
[indistinct chatter]
-[scratching] -[groans]
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. [groans]
Hey, Ursula, you know I can command a servant to scratch your back.
No, thanks. This is better. Try it.
[both scratching]
[groans]
Wow! That feels really good.
I'm going to get one of these poles put in my bedroom.
There's something on your mind, isn't there?
It's really nothing. It's just... I don't know.
You know how sometimes you do the worst thing in the world
to the person you love most in the world because you had no choice,
but she was the one who left you no choice?
And then you think it's all over and you try to move on,
but then she shows up in your dreams and it's like... Ah!
I'm sorry, I'm kinda new around here. Are you a giant squirrel?
Hey, Ursula, you wanna dance?
I thought you'd never ask.
Fetch my ball!
[medieval music playing]
[Zog] Whoo-hoo! Yeah, look at her, huh! Look at that!
Quick, somebody toss her a fish.
I think this could be the real thing.
Hmm?
-Do you mind if I cut in? -Ugh. Yeah, sure, go ahead.
No, no, I was talking to Kissy.
I'll be over there.
If you two are gonna fight over me, make it entertaining.
Look, I'm warning you. Kissy doesn't like you.
She's only trying to make me jealous.
I don't know, man. She's been asking me questions, acting interested.
All the things I do when I'm trying to... [clicks tongue] wink-wink.
-You know what I mean? -I have no idea what you mean.
Look, I think I know her a little better than you do.
Listen, I like her, she likes me. Get over it. Lift?
-Ready. -[grunts]
[crowd applauds]
[grunting] Yeah.
[groans]
What does this mean?
Why does it feel so good?
That seemed unnecessary, but it was fun.
[both laughing]
Hmm, salmon-y.
Promise me when we're done
you won't roll over and hibernate for three months like Carl.
[chuckles] Hmm.
-[Ursula chuckles] Ow! -[grunts]
-[Zog moans] -[thudding]
At least the reptile sex was quiet.
[sighs] Let's do it again, but this time I'll be the bear.
[Ursula] It doesn't work that way, honey.
I don't turn into a bear when I put that on.
I turn into a human when I take it off.
Oh, careful. I don't want to get stuck as a human.
And you don't want me to, either.
Yeah. [chuckles]
[sighs] We were never gonna get the smell out of there anyway.
[laughs]
Lookin' good, Dreamland.
Blimey! What's happened to your face?
What? Nothing. You've just never seen me smile before.
[laughing] I'm happy here.
Eh, look at me! I'm the happiest king alive!
Don't directly look at me!
There's the one who put this smile on my face.
Wave to the people, baby.
Hey! Hi, everyone.
I never felt so good. I wanna feel this way forever.
-Huh? -[water splashes]
We make a good team, don't you think?
We sure do, but, you know, eventually I'll have to go back to the woods.
Oh, okay, sure. I knew that.
You're the best. I figured you'd understand.
What are you doing?
[yells] Oh!
-I'll never tell. -Okay. Well, I'm kinda busy, so--
She's a bear! Ursula's a bear.
Dad, she's a big lady, but--
No, no, no, she's an actual bear.
She turns into a lady when she takes the skin off.
Wow. A witch, a lizard, and now a bear. God, are you building an ark?
I know what you're thinking.
Your dad is all over the map when it comes to women and shoes.
Oh, how I love shoes.
But this one, Beanie, this one is the real deal.
Dad, what's in the chest?
She's gonna leave me.
But without her skin, she can't turn back into a bear.
You stole her skin? You can't do that!
Not with most women, you can't, but with Ursula, you actually can!
But that's so wrong.
You told me to listen to my heart, Bean,
and I listened to you, so I'm listening to it.
-And now I'm all listened out. -Okay.
Hmm.
Hey, man. Check out what I got for Kissy.
Oh. Chocolates, for an elf who makes chocolates all day.
Yeah, sure, good move. [chuckles]
Wait, what are those?
His-and-hers deadly throwing stars. Things are getting pretty serious.
[chuckles] Serious? They can't be serious. She doesn't even like you.
Oh, my God, for the last time, she's not trying to make you jealous.
This is real. We're in love.
A-ha! You said you don't believe in love!
So you're either lying or really in love.
-And you'd better be lying! -Hi, boys.
Scram, Elfo. Kissy and I want to be alone.
-Actually, I should talk to both of you. -Haha!
Look, Luci, I was really interested in you,
but it was only because I needed to find out what makes a bad boy tick...
Yeah, you did.
...and why I gravitate toward these toxic relationships.
I asked myself, "Kissandra, where are you in all this? What do you really want?"
Turns out I'm in love with a new kind of person. Myself.
But thank you for our time together, Luci... and Elfo.
And Smoocho, Rhymo, Petey,
Seamus, Cliff, Cliff's brother...
I wanna say "Tom"? The garden boys... [humming]
Oh, man. She did not pick you. Mmm-mmm.
All right, dude, I get it. She never liked me.
Oh, Luci, this world is full of heartbreak,
rejection, depression and despair.
Nobody gets what they want.
I don't want this hug.
I don't care what you want.
You sweet bastard.
If she could leave, she wouldn't leave, so it doesn't matter that she can't leave.
[cutlery clinking]
[cutlery continues clinking]
[Ursula] Yes!
[sighs]
[grunting]
[sighs]
[sniffling]
Ursula, you mean so much to me,
and I want to make you the happiest woman in the whole world.
-I got something for you. -[gasps]
Oh, Zog...
The saddest thing in life is having to say goodbye
to the person you want to spend that life with.
I know everything about you.
Your secrets, your desires, your loves.
So, that's why we're gonna have to say...
Oh.
And she lived happily ever after. So that's how it ends.
[Bean] Hey, who blew that out? You don't scare me.
-[creaking] -[music box cranking]
[music box playing tune]
[Bean screaming]
[water splashes]
That song's getting really old.
-[creaking] -[music box cranking]
[gasps]
[tune playing]
[theme music playing]