[theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
Next to present their bountiful harvest
for His Majesty's blessing and immediate confiscation,
he's a farmer with six teeth. She's his wife with none.
Ole and Alice!
-That is wheat, Your Highness. Wheat. -What?
-Wheat. -What?
Ah, I'm just screwing with you, liven things up a little.
Gimme the thing, will you?
Blessings to you, from your greasy hair to your filthy, ripped-up shoes.
-Those are his feet, Your Highness. -Those are feet?
Well, it's understandable. They are leathery.
Plus, there's laces holdin' the skin on.
Next!
Tedrick the shepherd and Daisy, the one sheep you haven't eaten yet.
I made you the biggest, itchiest wool sweater I could,
but if it's too snug, you can give it to your fat, wimpy son.
Eh, we'll give it to Bean.
She doesn't care at all about her appearance.
Bean, thank this nice creep so he'll move along.
Where'd she go?
She said if I told you, she'd hurt Mr. Bear.
What?
[grunts in frustration]
I only ask that girl to do two things: Sit here and stay sober.
And she never does neither. Gimme my damn scepter.
[grunting]
[all gasp]
Nice toss, Dad.
-Next round's on Zog. -[all cheer]
-And give this guy a double. -Oh, well, aren't you sweet?
[grunts]
Okay, okay, okay, I got one. Who's this?
[groans] "I got killed by a chair."
Oh, oh, oh. One of your fiancés? That guy you murdered?
What's-his-name, the Forgettable... Guysbert.
Ding, ding, ding! Whoo!
Okay, me next, chumps. [clears throat]
"I'm a big, fat king, and I'm married to a salamander, and my daughter has a dangerous drinking problem."
Zog! Drink!
Me next. Me next. Guess who this is. [clears throat]
"Hi, I'm Elfo."
Ooh, ooh, I know.
The guy with the goofy shoes, reeks of flop sweat and licorice...
Oh, he's really annoying. What's his name? I wanna say Quelfo?
[chuckles] Not even close. It's me. I'm Elfo.
Good try? Let's drink anyway, right?
[hammering in distance]
-Hay man. -What?
No, they've almost finished the hay man.
-What? The hay man? -What the hey, man?
I'm talking about the hay man for the harvest bonfire.
It's the best night of the year, but Zog never lets me go.
He doesn't trust me 'cause he thinks I'm just a dumb kid.
That's so sad you never get to go.
No, no, I go every year. He just never lets me.
Hmm. I can't quite figure out why he doesn't trust you.
All right, we got a big day tomorrow. Let's grab one last drink for the road.
[Bean] It's drunk and I'm late. We better sneak in quietly.
[climbing rope]
[breathing heavily]
[grunts]
Oh, floor, you're always there for me. So supportive.
Not like walls and staircases, always getting in my way.
[Zog] Oh, Beanie, you're a no-good, drunken disgrace.
And in this kingdom, that's sayin' something.
[Elfo] So, now you're telling me your tail has a mind of its own?
'Cause before, you said it was prehensile. So, just saying.
[Luci] Shh, shh, shh. Shut up.
-Bean's getting yelled at by her dad. -Ow!
You ran off from your royal duties to get drunk.
Oh, so, you noticed? You weren't too busy with your new family?
New? I've been remarried for years.
And since that time, I've become less and less important to you.
You barely noticed when I traded places with that pauper for a year.
[groans] What do you want from me?
I'd like to have a role to play in your life, in the kingdom.
I'm tired of feeling useless.
Ah, Beanie, it's so hard to know what to do without yellin'.
[groans]
-[door closes] -[sighs]
I don't see problem. Your daughter feel useless because she is useless.
But she's hurtin'.
Her purpose is to be married off to unite kingdoms, like we do.
Make offspring, like Derek.
I can't sleep with Mr. Bear like this.
Vip, Vap, escort Derek back to his room, huh.
I don't know. I don't want Bean to be unhappy. Can't we throw her a bone?
Well, sire, we do have the upcoming trip to Dankmire,
but it's a rather delicate diplomatic mission.
Perfect. Give her some phony-baloney job with a fancy title and a sash.
Aren't ambassadorships usually just given to rich chumps
to make them feel important?
Yeah, and it's working. Express boat to Dankmire.
Ugh. Tourists.
[Elfo] We're almost there.
I'm so excited, my skin is breaking out in sprinkles.
-Those're mosquito bites. -I'm scratching with excitement. Hey, hey, peewee, no bleeding. Your blood belongs to me.
Oh, this is so interesting.
Did you know Dreamland forced Dankmire to build this canal?
Then, they fought a 100-year war over who owns the canal,
and the war only ended when a certain King Zog of Dreamland, your dad,
married Princess Oona of Dankmire. That's your weird stepmom.
Yeah, I remember their wedding.
I got jealous and put a dead owl in their cake.
-People, like, ate the whole thing. -Hey! That's in here, too.
-Wow! Beautiful. -Oona, you grew up here.
Can you just tell me about this place,
and I'll try to decipher your accent?
Don't worry. Every visitor to Dankmire receives a famously warm welcome.
-You are two minutes late. -[all grunt]
"Warm refers to the sweltering temperature,
not the notoriously grim locals."
Hmm, this is where Oona gets her sense of humor.
Is true. I was class clown.
Is joke.
Or is?
-"Dankmirians love protocol." -[all grunt]
"They consider it rude to bow without bowing first."
-I can tell this place already sucks-- -...ceeds at... -Blowing-- -...away our expectations.
Your Highness, on behalf of all of Dreamland,
may I just say thank you for this charming reception.
-And we thank you for your thank you. -[all grunt]
-[Luci grunts] -[all grunt]
[Luci chuckles]
[grunts]
Hey, hey, now that's diplomacy. Show us what else you got.
Mr. Chancellor, we are at your disposal
and keen to experience more of your local culture. What's next?
-A play, in 16 acts. -Ah.
Performed by children.
[laughs]
Yay!
Hey, fish, that peanut butter on my tail was mine. [grunts]
Stupid fish, always takin' my precious body butters.
It's taken centuries, but our civilization has literally risen out of the muck
to have one of the finest community playhouses around.
[Zog groans]
Oh, uh, that's our way of saying "hmm."
[chomps] Hmm.
You will love this play about our glorious canal.
This thing better not be a musical.
No, but it is one of those plays
where the actors come out into the audience and bother people.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! That's the only kinda play we have in Hell. [vocalizing]
You cannot stop Dankmirian progress, swamp people.
Now stop complaining, and build us the world's cleanest canal.
[boy] This means war.
[grunting]
[boy] Shut up.
And thus, the 500-year war was over,
and Dankmire and Dreamland share the beautiful canal
and the marriage of convenience.
Who's that fat kid with the crown supposed to be?
All hail Dankmire.
Thank you for coming.
What the hell was that?
They're acting like we didn't contribute to that canal.
As ambassador, I have to remind you
to not act like a caveman.
-Say something nice. -No.
On behalf of Dreamland, I'd like to say that that was a fine show.
That husky kid's a real tour de force.
[chancellor grunts]
All right, you did good.
Covering up the indiscretions of those in power is an important part of the job.
Why don't you give the big speech at tonight's banquet?
What? Me? Speech?
I've never written a speech before. I guess I could try.
You'll do great, as long as you remember
our entire flimsy alliance depends on it going perfect.
-Oh. -Okay, good things.
You're a great writer. I've read your diary.
Uh... [chuckles] I showed him where you hid it.
[Elfo and Luci slurping]
Everything is riding on this speech. Luckily, Dad gave me his notes.
"Wing it"?
[groans]
[Elfo and Luci slurping]
Hey, welcome to Muddruckers. I'm Chazz. Would you like to order a drink?
Or you want to keep working on that decorative centerpiece?
[fly buzzing]
[slurps] Uh, what's your specialty?
Passive aggressive sarcasm. [chuckles] Just kidding.
You got Chazz'd. I'll bring you what you deserve.
Just soda for me!
I'm on a deadline.
When in the course of human events... No, that's stupid, stupid.
Love is... Oh, my gosh, I can't do this.
I'm never gonna be able to do this.
I've known a lot of writers. Most of 'em go to Hell.
And the one surefire way to unleash your creative juice is with creative juice.
No. No alcohol.
Lucille, stop it. You're being a bad influence.
Hey, I'm an enabler. There's a big difference.
Here you go. Booze, booze and boring.
Ooh, what is this?
Extra-strong Dankmirian Schnapps.
One shot is all you need. So, I brought you two.
See? I don't even miss the alcohol.
Where the hell is Bean? I got a lot riding on that girl.
[stammering] She... No... She's... Who?
She's here. Take it away, Bean.
-[Bean burps] -[all gasp]
[moans]
Her ceremonial robe. It's backwards.
[slurring] Whoops-a-daisies. Let me give it a spinneroo.
Whoo! How do you like me now?
Aw, jeez. What are you doing?
-What happened to you? -It's not her fault.
That's right. It's your fault.
-You didn't stop me. -[gasps]
You should be proud of me, Dad. I finished my speech and all the nachos.
You're in no shape to deliver any speech.
-Sit down and shut up. -[Bean groans]
I'll get Derek to give the speech.
He's part Dankmirian. At least he appeals to someone.
What? You're gonna entrust the future of our kingdom to that twerp?
Considering that twerp is heir apparent to the throne
on whom the future of our kingdom already rests, yeah.
[bell rings]
Let us feast.
We'll begin with the traditional Dankmirian dish, Lamprey Vivant.
Whoa!
Eh, teenagers... [chuckling]
Unless it's a boiled pear, they're not interested.
Go on now. Down the hatch.
[Bean] I can do it. I can do it.
[shrieks]
[exclaims]
-Look who's enjoying their dinner. -[Derek grunting]
[slurps and gulps]
Listen, boy, your sister is a little under the weather.
And under the table.
So, why don't you stand up and say a few words?
Who, me? But I don't know how to--
Just butter 'em up with a nice toast.
Okay, I'll try.
[clears throat]
Hello, there. My name is Bonnie Prince Derek of Dreamland.
I am here tonight to butter your nice toast. Right, Dad?
-[groans] -Except I don't know how to.
My nanny always does it for me.
Sometimes, I like marmalade, too.
Have you ever had apple butter? That's something I might also have.
Uh-oh. I'll save you, bro.
[all gasp]
[slurring] Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Honorable Ambassador Tiabeanie Mariabeanie De La Rochambeaux Drunkowitz.
Remember the name. Remember the face.
Remember that time you had that play and my dad was the fat kid?
That was awesome.
I'm so sorry that we had that long war.
I mean, that sucked.
But I think we can all agree one thing:
We kicked your asses.
[all gasp]
Hey, look at this. I got sleeves like a bat.
-[Bean vocalizing] -[all gasp]
[Luci] Hey, Bat Bean, fly over here.
[continues vocalizing]
Watch it. Watch out, or I'm gonna...
[vocalizes]
Ooh! Hang upside down.
Uh, so, in conclusion, Dreamland never had a better friend than Dankmire,
-and I hope that never changes. -[queen shrieks]
-[Bean laughing] -[all gasp]
[all gasp loudly]
[Bean] Wearing dresses is hard.
Pay no attention to the naked ambassador on the chandelier.
-[Bean burps and vomits] -[chancellor] Ew!
Oh, boy.
Uh, let me... [gags] Let me help you clean that.
[gags]
-I'm gonna-- -Stop. You're just smearing it around.
This is an outrage.
By appointing Ambassador Tiabeanie,
you've told us everything we need to know about our alliance.
-It is over. This is war! Again. -[Bean grunts]
Guards! Busboys! Seize them!
-[Bean] No! No, no, no, no. -[all protest]
Come on. This way.
How did you know that was there?
Uh, unlike some people, I read the guidebook.
Just once could we go on a family vacation without having to run away screaming?
Hold them off while I untie the barge.
I'll stop those jerks dead in their tracks.
Here goes nothing.
-[inhales deeply and grunts] -[grunts]
[Dankmirians grunt]
-[Luci and Elfo grunt] -[Dankmirians grunt] -[Luci and Elfo grunt] -[Dankmirians grunt]
-[Luci and Elfo grunt] -[Dankmirians grunt]
[grunts]
Okay, let's go. Let's go. Come on!
Quickly, the lock.
[grunting]
[all scream]
[grunting]
I'll see you at home!
Mommy, I'm afraid!
-[Oona] Just stay close to your father! -That's why I'm afraid.
[all scream]
[Dankmirians grunting]
Great job, Bean. I hope you can sense my sarcasm through your drunken haze.
Yeah, yeah, I stink. Derek, get on Dad's back.
[Derek and Zog groan]
I'll get you!
Unless you keep going.
-[guard 1] Shall we jump in after them? -[guard 2] Please say no. Please say no.
No need. They're heading deep into muskrat territory.
The swamp monster will take care of them.
[guard 1] Aw. Oh, that kind of "take care of them."
[Derek] And as we trudged through the swamp,
I began to realize my clothes had grown muddy.
Hey! I told you to stop narrating your memoirs.
Man, I really blew it. I was crazy to think I could be an ambassador.
This is why I always tell you not to try things.
-Stop it. You're too discouraging. -You're too encouraging.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you do something about it?
Come on. I'm encouraging you.
Ow! [grunting]
Oh! Ah! Ah! Stop it!
You're not even a little nice.
You know what you are? You're bad through and through,
from the tip of your pointy tail to the tips of your pointy ears.
Ho, ho! You wanna come at me about some pointy ears?
Have you ever seen your reflection?
Oh, my God.
I'm a freak.
-[laughs] -[grunts]
[both grunting]
Stop it. Stop. You both have super weird ears. [groans]
Oh, this log is hard. I miss my tuffet.
-You miss your tuffet, do you? -Oh, ever so much.
And your pet swans? And your little sled for your toy bear?
Do you miss those?
-Uh-huh. -Aw.
Get down there and dig a pit for us to sleep in.
'Kay. [yelps]
Keep quiet, if y'all know what's good for y'all.
You boys waltzed into the wrong swamp. You our property now.
Property? Men don't own me. I own men. I'm King Zog!
Zog?
-Ain't you the king from Dreamland? -Indeed, I am.
[laughing]
We gonna have some king-sized fun with you, boy.
[Derek yelps]
[grunting]
I've had it.
The next one of you who lays a hand on the other one gets left behind, okay?
Ow!
Congratulations, guys.
You're the first people in history to make me say, "I'd rather be with my dad."
Dad?
What do you want? Gold? Jewels?
Here, here, take my crown.
Yeah, I reckon we don't want none of that. We just wanna even the score.
The score? What did I do?
I know it's you what built that canal. It drove me and all my kin off our land.
Come on. It wasn't my fault. I was just giving orders.
Orders? Coincidentally, we about to cook up an order...
of king à la king and grilled shrimpy. No, I'm kidding.
We just gonna fry y'all up in some butter. [Derek and Zog whimper]
-Don't worry. We ain't gonna eat you. -I knew that.
We're cooking y'all up for the swamp monster.
[laughing]
♪ Oh, monster gonna have Zog gumbo Monster gonna have Zog gumbo ♪
♪ Monster gonna have Zog gumbo ♪
[scatting]
-Dad, look at the size of that skillet. -[door crashes open]
Nobody fries my dad.
Yeah? Which one of y'all gonna stop us? Skinny girl? Kitty cat? Gross baby?
[chuckles] He called you a gross baby.
Elfo, Luci, let's show these yokels how we city folk do things.
Ow! When we got the set,
I never thought these little ones would come in handy.
Since y'all was screamin' like babies in the frying pan, we gone to plan B:
Feed you to the monster raw.
[all scream]
Okay, plan C: Stuff 'em with breadcrumbs.
No! No!
[muffled grunting]
Don't be rude, Dad. Let's respect the customs of our colorful hosts.
May I propose a toast? I got some low-grade pocket hooch in my booty flask.
Please accept it as a gift from my kingdom to your... this.
Well, thank you, Miss, uh...
This is the Honorable Ambassador Tiabeanie...
Shh. I'm Bean, okay? Help yourself.
Oh. That's right kindly of you.
I guess maybe there's a world
where I could let y'all go, and we could be friends.
Yeah. Hey, both you hicks, drink up.
What'd he just call us?
I believe he called us hicks, Slim.
Oh, he should not have done that.
I should've knowed it. All you royals are the same.
You think we're all just a bunch of unsophisticated, backwoods,
know-nothin' yokels who don't know nothin'!
-Well, I'll tell you what we do know. -What do we know?
We know we about to feed them to the swamp monster.
'Cause you know that swamp monster don't take no for an answer.
He comes at you when you least ex--
[all scream]
-[Bean] Oh, no! -[Luci] Yikes.
[swallows]
[hissing]
[growling]
[monster whimpers]
[shrieks]
You know, I realized that you do encourage Bean to do lots of things:
drink, sneak out, fib.
Yeah, you get it, man. Steal, cheat, toy with your feelings.
Yes, exactly.
-Put 'er there, pal. -Wow. Gotta admit, I'm impressed.
[Luci grunts]
Really, really impressed. Ow!
Okay. Hey, stop.
Elfo. Elfo, knock it off. Gimme my tail back.
Give it back. Give it back to me. [grunts]
That was some great diplomacy back there.
You talked to those hillbillies like you were from the next swamp over.
Hey, no language barrier, nothin'. [chuckles]
Like I always say, I'm proud of you, Bean.
You've never said, "I'm proud of you."
Well, today I got dangerously close.
[fiddle playing]
Hey, Dad, is it cool if I go?
Oh, sometimes, I could swear I'm looking at your mother.
-Go on, but sneak home by sunup, or-- -You'll cut off all my toes.
I'll leave you one for good luck.
Thanks.
Well, that looks like you, Father.
Yeah, I know. Let's go home. Quickly.
You know what we'll do when we get home?
-We're gonna bury the bear. -[Derek] Okay.
[Zog] In fact, we can get a whole toy graveyard goin'.
We can do it together. Or, better yet, have the servants do it.
[Derek] Yeah, we've had a rough day. Maybe we could just go to bed?
Oh, I'm gonna have bad dreams about that skillet.
Oh. Man, that thing was huge. [sighs in relief]