[theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
Bean! No!
She forgot her glove!
My poor Princess Tiabeanie.
She never had a chance to say she loved me.
[footsteps approaching]
Now what? Whoa!
[sniffs]
Me smell fear.
[stutters] I mean, I smell fear.
You don't scare me! I was born scared. Get him, men!
[swords clinking]
[grunting]
[all grunting]
-[monk] Boys, boys, boys. -[knight] What?
There's no conflict here.
This is a plateau of peace.
[throat singing]
-Ah! -[all grunting]
I can get married or I can die. This should be a harder decision.
Hey! Death is the easy way out!
So I say do it. Do it! Do it, do it, do it!
No! Your cruddy life is worth living, Bean.
And so is mine, if you live.
Ugh. Geez. Do it.
Hey, guys?
[both] Yeah?
Uh, while you were talking, the stick broke.
[Elfo and Bean screaming]
Leaving when the ogre looked away was an excellent strategy.
Now, by my reckoning, the bodies should have landed right here.
Whoa!
Dear God, you've mangled my exquisite face!
Wait, no, that's your face.
What's wrong with my face?
It looks like a foot. I mean, if you're happy with it...
Whoa!
And that's when I discovered
that the dragon could shoot fire from both ends.
Anyway, enough about every detail of my life.
Tell me something about you.
[grunts]
[man] Really? Fascinating. Exquisite.
[playing fanfare]
[distorted trumpet sound]
Your Majesty, it is with much heroism that I now return Princess Bean,
along with this priceless sack of elf.
Ah! Uh.
This cold floor feels good on my concussion.
Hi, I'm Elfo!
But more importantly, I am the one and only Luci.
Who cares what a cat has to say?
[grunts]
I'm not a cat!
Ah, whatever. I'm gonna go lay down in the window.
All I care about is this sweet, precious elf.
Cram him in a cage!
Dad, you can't just cage him. Elves are jolly by nature.
They need to prance and dance.
Lucky for you, I'm a patron of the arts.
But all frolicking stays within castle walls.
Well, get to it!
[playing happy tune on flute]
[screaming and grunting]
It's still rolling, but he has stopped screaming.
Someone jab him with a sword, make sure he's okay.
Speaking of things getting poked, we've got a wedding to plan.
Ew. Dad, think out the words before they come out. It's--
I know. It felt weird when I said it.
-[bells ringing] -[seagulls squawking]
We'll scrub you right up, as clean as a child on his funeral day.
Arms up!
Oh. How my Charlie sparkled this morning when they heaved him into the burial pit.
He's in a better place now.
Oh, yes, down there with all his little friends.
Ah. Not so hard!
I'm sorry, Bunty.
I don't mean to be insensitive about your dead whatever.
I just really don't want to marry this wealthy prince.
You understand.
But it is your duty as a princess.
We need this marriage to cement our alliance with Bentwood.
For our kingdom is rich in tradition,
but their kingdom is rich in... Well, riches.
Plus, I don't see anyone else storming your castle, princess.
Rawr.
[bubbling]
[munches]
-Your Highness. -Eh?
The elf may have value far beyond what we expected.
Uh...
It appears there may be truth to the old legends regarding the elves.
It seems certain secrets were set down in the ancient writings of Mephismo.
[blows]
[both coughing]
I should dust in here more often.
Anyway, I've read it before.
The essence is that there is enormously potent magic in elves' blood.
Could this elf's blood be the key to my wildest dream?
Might we finally create the Elixir of Life?
I don't want to raise your hopes.
But yes, definitely.
[humming]
Hey, Elfo, what are you lookin' at?
I was just admiring the towel. My people don't have terrycloth.
I cannot marry that pig Merkimer. [stutters] I can't do it.
I'm gonna have to kill him or something.
Do it. Do it, do it, do it!
And after you kill him we can hide the body.
Then we could join the search party
and you and I can look at each other and try not to laugh.
No! You're not a murderer, Bean! Well, I mean, you did kill that one guy.
Nope. Still alive, but suffering greatly.
You're a sweet person.
Sure, you're a violent alcoholic, but you're not a killer.
You're right. I'll go have a few drinks and we'll figure something out.
Oh.
Hey, I'm still naked.
I'm naked all the time. You just didn't know it.
And now you're never gonna un-know it.
Uh, might we borrow this little man for a moment?
I just need to pick his brain.
Through his nostrils.
So, how we gonna kill your fiancé?
Candlestick in the conservatory? Candlestick in the face?
I think we need to be a little bit more discreet. Oh. Poison could be perfect!
This one causes slow, painful death.
This one kills you with kindness and some belladonna.
And this one's so poisonous you can't even hold it in a bottle. [chuckles]
Oh. Excuse me.
[thuds]
Have you folks been helped?
We're still browsing.
Uh, you know what? I'm just not comfortable with murder.
There's got to be another way to get rid of him.
You could just marry him
and drive him mad with your indecisiveness.
Hmm.
I don't know.
We're running out of time. [stutters]
What if I rub a sick chicken all over his face and hope for the best?
[clucks then coughs]
[bells ringing]
[Bean] Mermaids!
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
[muffled] Probably not.
[chicken clucks then wheezes]
[chuckles] Something tickles. Is there a mosquito on my leg?
Behold, sire, as I extract a small quantity of blood.
I only have a small quantity of blood.
Excellent. I've asked the eminent Lord Lingonberry
to take part in the experiment.
And may I say what a deep honor it is to assist His Majesty in this most--
Strap him down!
This is the first interesting thing that's ever happened to me.
To test the revitalizing influence of the blood,
I shall apply a small measure to the scalp
to regrow his Lordship's once-lavish hair.
And... doink.
Nothing's happening.
But, ho! Some hair has sprouted in his ear.
His ears were always like that!
It's like he keeps paintbrushes in there.
Yes, well, I suppose the life-giving magic may take a while.
Uh, come back in a few days, Lord Lingonberry.
He's dead.
Pity. He was a good man. A family man.
[pigs squealing]
Clearly, the volume of blood was inadequate.
To extract greater quantities, we'll need more sophisticated methods.
Mop Girl, milk him.
[squirting]
My brain feels dry.
Now we hope Merkimer's a big enough idiot to fall for this mermaid plan.
I'm feeling optimistic.
[chuckling nervously] So, Merkimer, I know I've been a little cold and distant,
and some would say overflowing with revulsion--
That's okay. I don't listen to women.
But before we marry
and I enter a state of semi-permanent pregnancy...
[chuckles nervously] Woo!
I just wanted to make sure you have some fun.
That's why I insist you have a bachelor party.
It'll be way out on the open seas where the only law is the law of no laws.
Anything goes.
Anything... goes.
Anything goes!
Whoa!
They call it a party barge,
and it's charting a course for Mermaid Island.
This island has real mermaids?
It's not just named after Gerald K. Mermaid?
It was named after him, but it also has mermaids.
Intriguing. But don't mermaids use their mesmo-songs
to lure men to their deaths?
Ah, only weak-minded men fall for that.
So you'll be pretty much fine.
Very well. I'm in.
What a gullible idiot.
Can I go, too?
Our first experiment with the elf blood was inconclusive.
But these new tests shall reveal its restorative powers.
Hmm.
Fly!
Oh. [gulps]
[Elfo] Ow!
[gasps] Are you okay?
[weakly] If I say no, will I seem less manly?
Elfo, that's not possible.
Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Like a barn!
First of all, sweetie, shut up.
I'm not gonna hurt this little guy. I'm gonna leech the magic out of him.
Don't you want a magic daddy?
No! Gosh. I don't want a magic daddy,
and I would never call you that even if you were!
You just want your stupid Elixir of Life so you can be immortal and rule forever.
God, you're selfish and cruel.
Selfish? Maybe. But cruel?
Ah, also maybe.
Sire, harnessing the blood's power has proven difficult.
Perhaps if I had more to work with...
[groans] Look at this! There's more blood in my chamber pot.
If this flask isn't filled with elf blood by morning,
we'll grind him to a paste and see if that works better.
Oh! If that paste doesn't work, I'm in real trouble.
[owl hoots]
[bell dings]
I'm an optimist. I say the flask is half-full.
-It's not. -Don't be so negative.
-Where there's a will, there's a way. -There's not.
[pigs squeal, grunt]
Shut your snouts, you dumb pigs, or I'm gonna... Oh, wait.
Did you know that pigs are 80% blood?
-Really? -Not anymore.
I must admit, the quantity of blood exceeded my expectations.
So Elfo is free to go?
Hmm.
For now.
Looks like I picked the wrong day to wear sandals.
[whooping]
Was I the only one hoping for more blood?
I feel weak and queasy.
What you need is a nice, long boat ride.
All aboard the party barge! I hope you like fun and soggy pretzels.
[men cheering]
I hope you like me yelling!
Stop right there, Your Ladyness.
A delicate flower like yourself has no place aboard--
[grunts]
Good point.
I'm so glad you're coming along, Bean.
You'll get to know the crazy, fun me,
before spending the rest of your life with the boring, bossy me.
I'm lucky in so many ways.
[captain] Now listen up, you landhuggers.
This may be a party barge,
but the dangers of Mermaid Island be all too real.
So drink responsibly!
[coughs]
[screams]
-[all chant] Spin the elf! Spin the elf! -Spin the-- [screams]
Attention on the party barge!
We be sailing now into treacherous waters.
To starboard, man-eating sharks.
To port, a sunset so beautiful
the rest of your life will seem anticlimactic.
But the worst lies ahead!
For there lurk the twin shores of Mermaid Island and Walrus Island.
And you don't want to mix those up, believe me.
Let's get this underway, shall we?
Everyone line up single file to get lashed to the masts.
God forbid you lose control and jump overboard.
We don't want that.
Anyone not tied down better plug your ears.
"Ear wax"? Does it mean it's for ears or from ears?
Arr, you'll want to put the wax in before you hear me answer.
Tighter, man, tighter! I have poor impulse control.
You remembered to use a slipknot, right?
I can't hear you! I've got wax in my ears!
You rigged it so he'll break free and leap overboard, right?
The plan?
Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, no. I couldn't do it.
Ugh.
Elf defense? Try self-defense.
Just go cut the ropes.
-Stop! No! Don't do it! -Do it. Do it. -I can't jump that high. -Do it! Elfo...
-That's not fair. -Don't listen to Elfo. You're playing to your strengths, and not mine.
[laughs mockingly] See? Even the gods don't want you to do it.
Then they shouldn't have given me these big bad buck teeth.
My prince, may I give you one last kiss for good luck?
On the forearm, for whatever reason?
That's kind of Mother's thing, but sure.
[kisses]
[biting] Did it work?
All hands, brace fer mermaids! And their irresistible song.
If it's smooth jazz, I will destroy this place.
[harmonious singing]
[all sighing]
-Oh. -Oh.
It's beautiful. Such angelic voices.
I've never heard a song so sweet and delicate.
I must have sex with its origin.
Ha! I'm free! Lead the way, loins.
[grunts]
[men gasp]
I'm Merkimer. I can't wait to meet you. I don't need your names, though.
Ladies, the legends do not do you justice.
Not one mention of your fuzzy muzzles. Climb aboard.
[walruses singing]
[Merkimer] Ooh!
Yes!
Uh... Should we be doing something?
I'm already smoking and laughing. What more do you want?
[laughs]
-[singing stops] -[Merkimer] Whoa!
Listen. They've stopped singing.
Aye, their siren song is done for now.
And we only lost one man. That's actually not bad.
Usually everyone dies. I don't advertise that fact. [chuckles]
[Mertz] Merkimer may be gone, but at least he prepaid for the barge.
-To Merkimer! -[all] To Merkimer!
As Merkimer's fiancée, I'd like to say a few words.
Let's head back.
Where the hell are we? This fog is as thick as chowder.
Chowder? It doesn't always have to be nautical references with me.
There are plenty of other thick soups. Cream of potato, that's one.
Uh... Chili... I guess that's not a soup.
Uh... Ham chowder. No, that's a chowder. Uh...
What's the one with the salt?
[stutters] Salt soup! There you are. Salt soup.
Bah!
Look, in the distance! The lights of the kingdom!
That's no land.
It's a ship of war, flying the dread flag of the Borcs!
[gasps] They must be planning a sneak attack on Dreamland!
Don't panic. We can slip away unnoticed
as long as everyone remains absolutely silent.
[loudly] What?
[grunting]
They've spotted us. Defend the barge or risk losing your deposit.
[gasps]
Fire the cannon!
Don't look at that. You didn't pay for it.
[growling]
I'm sorry, guys. We're gonna die and it's all my fault.
No, it was me with my incessant do it, do it, do it, do its.
That's what made you do it.
Neither one of you was to blame. It was both of you. You both killed us.
[screaming]
The barge is falling apart!
Aye, 'twas held together mainly by stains.
[grunting]
All the confetti cannons in the world couldn't save us now.
[walruses singing]
Mermaids, attack!
[grunting and yelling]
Didn't you always want a husband that screwed 30 walruses?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
[water splashes]
King Zog, you're giving me your daughter,
so it's only fair I give you something of equal value.
The head of the Borc admiral!
That's not a Borc, it's a Bozak! They're our closest allies!
The Bozak wedding delegation never arrived.
No wonder all those presents have been washing ashore.
Then let this be a warning to your other allies.
This is the dress my mom wore when she married my dad.
I thought when it was my turn to wear it, I'd be as happy as she was.
Somehow, I don't think my portrait's gonna be nearly as happy.
If you no like, I fix.
No, no, that's okay, Giuseppe. We hired you for your emotional realism.
[bells tolling]
It's time.
Well, free will was fun while it lasted.
Just doing the stuff I wanted to do, going places I wanted to go.
That time I stole a baby walrus. You guys were there.
So, anyway, here comes the bride.
[sighs]
I can't bear to watch. I'll be in my cage.
[bells ringing]
Anyone seen Sorcerio?
Ugh. No, he's at a wedding. Your wedding.
Well, if it isn't my little barge buddy, Elmo.
Ugh, I told you, my name is Elfo. Elmo was my house. I lived in an elm.
I'm feeling a tad nervous, my tiny friend.
Those mermaids worked me over pretty hard, sexually.
I may not be able to perform tonight on the marital mattress.
[grunts] Stop talking to me.
I mean, I'm drained.
Haha! Here it is. Legend has it that elf blood contains
the mystical essence of life itself.
Perhaps it could perk up my poor, tuckered dong.
Please stop! There's no place like Elmo. There's no place like Elmo...
Mind if I have a little sip of you juice?
Hold up. That's not elf's blood, that's pig's--
[stutters] Help yourself! Do it. Do it. Do it!
Enough rigmarole. Bring in the blushing groom.
[crowd gasping]
I've never felt such vigor.
You're all invited to our marital evening. [laughs]
Hmm. Feeling a bit... [retches] What's happening?
[squeals]
Well, this is odd.
[squealing and grunting]
[all gasp]
[cackles]
[crowd gasp]
[grunts] [squeals]
Hey.
Really, Dad? [scoffs] You're fine with this?
You think this arranged marriage will solve your problems?
You think that magic will? [scoffs]
You're just thinking about yourself, what you want.
You don't care about me.
Isn't there a point in everyone's life
where they need to, like, go and figure out who they are?
Are we standing in that moment right now? Maybe.
But I know one thing, and I know it real good,
I know it really, really intensely,
and that's [stutters] I don't want to marry this pig.
[squeals]
Or that one either.
Ah, to hell with it. Bean may be crazy, but she's right.
This whole cursed wedding is canceled.
[all gasp]
And the bar is closed.
[all gasp angrily]
If you're calling off the wedding, I'm calling off the alliance!
Oh, yeah? My knuckles'll make an alliance with your pig-fathering face!
[crowd chanting] King fight! King fight! King fight!
-King fight! King fight! -Come on.
[crowd cheering]
[grunts]
Guys, thanks for making my wedding a day I'll always remember.
Now let's see how fast we can forget it.
-To us. -But mainly me!
-[crowd clamoring] -[Zog] And furthermore!
[grunts] I compliment you on that one, sir.
[pig squealing]