[opening theme music playing]
-Okay. Dreamland is straight that way. -[honking]
Whoa!
-[sighs] This goose gun is worthless. -[honks]
Stop honking, Dad. You're confusing things.
[goose honks]
Nice shootin', Beanie. But you missed all the gooses.
Yeah, but I better not miss Dagmar.
Dad, do you think I'm ready?
Aw, Sweetie, it's always an awkward situation
when your daughter wants to kill her mother.
On the other hand, Dagmar's my ex-wife. So that evens things out. Huh.
What you really gotta worry about is that things in Dreamland
have a disturbing tendency to come back to life.
[sighs]
All this grey nothingness spreading out before us is mighty peaceful,
ain't it, Bean?
[sighs] The gentle swish of the propeller blades
just inches above our heads is so relaxing.
But everything is A-okay right now. And we're getting close to home. [yawns]
D'you mind if I get a little shut-eye?
[snores]
-[Bean screams] -[Zøg] Climb!
Now, dive! Now, fly through that hole!
[Bean] Got it.
Did you see that? That mountain lunged at us out of nowhere.
-[grunts frustratedly] -[groans]
From now on, let's stick to mules. They don't crash so much.
I swear, this is the same fog we passed before.
Do you know where we're going?
Yeah, we're headin' for that fog over there.
Hell no! I don't know.
[ominous music playing]
[Zøg] Ah, man, we gotta turn around. I left my peanuts back at the crash site.
[Bean] I ate 'em.
How'd this door get here?
What I wanna know is whether we're inside or outside.
Well, only one way to find out.
Hey, hey let us in. Or maybe out.
[door unlocking]
[door opens]
Oh, it's you, Zøg. Come in.
Oh, no, Chazz. [honks]
What is this place? Reminds me of art school.
Grab 'em!
[creepy music playing]
[whispers] Bean, use your superpowers.
[zapping]
Hey. What tickles?
Why isn't my lightning working?
Uh, maybe your electro gland is backed up. I still got sand in every orifice.
-That must be uncomfortable. -What?
It gets kinda chilly at night, but don't worry.
I got a blanket to keep you warm. [creepily laughs]
Hey, if you think tonight's bad, just think of the rest of your life.
[grunts]
-[man giggles] -[gasps]
Giggles!
Hello there, King-a-ling. Oh, what's the matter? You scared?
No, I ain't scared.
Then why're you acting like an hourglass?
[groans]
Hey, Zøg. I hope you enjoy
our Junior Executive Suite for repeat customers,
with free live jazz echoing through the hallways all night long.
[scatting]
-Jazz. -[Zøg honks]
Don't worry, Dad.
Okay, I'm gonna get us the honk out of here.
[weak crackling]
In the meantime, just breathe. All right?
It's just… It's like yelling with the volume turned all the way down.
[panting]
[sighs]
Breathe easy, Dad. It's just you and me.
Hello, Bean.
[both] Big Jo!
It's nice to see such a loving father-daughter relationship.
Something I never had with Porky.
-What are you doing here? -Just a standard kidnapping,
carried out by Chazz, my former intern.
You know how it is.
Well, that's what you get for being, you know, you.
You're right, Bean. I was a pretty bad me.
But ever since attending group therapy 14 times a day,
I have come to the realization that I was lashing out
because of all those years of childhood bullying.
-You were bullied? -No, I was the bully.
I specialized in tormenting the weak and the small.
Slapping, pinching, towel snapping, hocking loogies, ear flicking,
puddle splashing, throwing dirt clods, giving swirlies,
putting excessive amounts of hot sauce on someone's French fries, and the like.
It was a heavy responsibility.
That's horrible.
But that's all in the past.
I am truly sorry for hurting you and your little friends.
While I enjoyed it immensely, it was wrong.
Do you accept my apology?
Aw! Yeah, I can never stay mad at you, Big Jo.
-[slaps] -[Zøg] Ew, clammy.
[static frizzling]
Black magic.
Why, Tiabeanie, you sly dog. You've been holding out on me.
Hmm.
Dagmar, I must say, your caresses last night were unusually gentle.
Guess again, Buttercup.
Like, uh, guilty as charged. [creepily chuckles]
Well, I had a wonderful sleep, despite your nocturnal hijinks.
Rise and shine. I brought breakfast.
Like, uh, yum.
Just for Mom, not the butt-kiss brigade.
Well, if you're gonna be, like, uh, hurtful, let's, uh, vamoose out of here.
Follow me, boys.
[scatting]
Ugh!
Wait a minute. Did you poison these scrambled eggs?
[laughs] That's adorable.
[scoffs] I don't wanna poison you. I wanna be your obedient, evil daughter
and take over the world with you. I hope you like your oatmeal.
Bring in the Royal Taster.
The Royal Taster died earlier this morning.
His last words were, "It's safe."
Eat.
[gags]
All the way, Turbish.
[swallows]
It's safe. But your oatmeal is way overcooked, Bad Bean.
Wait, you weren't trying to poison me?
Guh! Mom, no.
What kind of evil daughter are you?
Next time you bring me breakfast, see that you do and don't.
-Uh, okay. -[door opens]
Good morning, Your Highnesseses.
Did you just Highness us together? Never do that.
I am the goddamn First Queen,
and Bad Bean only becomes my Sub-Queen once she's coronated,
which is something I wanted to talk to you about, dear.
You see, once you put on this crown,
some very special things will happen for Mummy.
I don't know.
When it's screwed all the way on my head, won't it, like, hurt a bunch?
It may tickle a bit initially,
but once the screws do the work, you'll hardly remember the pain.
All you'll be thinking about is how we're ruling together
over the most powerful force on Earth.
We'll be ruling together?
Yes, darling. Well, 60-40-ish.
Can we subjugate people?
We can subjugate whomever we want, sweetie,
but Mummy can't do it without your help.
Only you can wear the crown of pain. I mean, crown of power.
Only you can unleash the magic.
Wow, I almost forgot how ugly this crown is on me. Thank you.
And it really distracts from your neck scar.
Now, let's get you dressed.
-I'm dressed. -No, you're not.
[man yelling] 7:00 a.m. trampoline wake-up.
Anyone caught not jumping high enough will be sprayed with the hot coffee hose.
Hello, everybody. I'm Dr. Mulberry, substituting for Dr. Fulton,
who was beaten to death last night with a fireplace poker.
Before we begin this morning's group therapy session,
would anyone like to share?
Perhaps our newbie. Garbanzo, is it?
-Bean. -Correct.
[hums]
[strains] Let me out of here.
I don't even like sharing my feelings with people I know.
Hmm.
Don't struggle, Beanie. I tunneled my way outta here before.
All we need is years of patience and the right tools.
You mean my grandma's diggin' skull?
[chimes]
Tinkle in the wind, Grandma. Tinkle away.
Note to self, how many grandmas does Giggles have?
Now, Bean, tell me more.
I'm not like the other maniacs.
I need to get out of here so I can go to Dreamland to kill my mother.
I remember when I killed my mother.
I sliced her face off with an apple peeler,
then made it into a comical mask. I'm wearing it now.
I conked my mom on the old coconut with an even older coconut.
My grandma was like a mother to me. That's why I saved her for last.
Wait a minute. How many of you killed your mothers?
You too?
Oh, you don't get to where I am now without killing a mother or two.
Wow, I've been trying and failing to kill my mom for so long.
I'm not even sure now with my magic powers--
Magic powers? Ooh, which ones you got?
I got super nosiness.
Well, for some reason, right now,
I… I can't show you my powers because they're not working,
but it is really cool when it happens.
Uh, I… I can make lightning bolts shoot out of my hands.
It's like… [imitates zapping sounds]
And then they shoot, and it's pretty. It's pretty powerful.
I'm basically a god.
You'll have to excuse her. She's a little cuckoo. You know.
Bean, go on. But only if it's entertaining.
It doesn't matter, 'cause, I mean, even with my powers,
I still don't know if I can kill Dagmar.
Every time I try, she keeps coming back to life.
Bean, has it ever occurred to you that you haven't been successful
in murdering your mother because something is holding you back?
An early childhood trauma, perhaps?
Or something deep in your heart, like a baby vampire.
[Bean] What?
Find what's holding you back, and you will be able to kill.
You really think so?
I know so.
Trust me, I've released many, many nutjobs back into society.
Why, Chazz, for example.
You got that flip-flop, Doc. I released you back into society,
and I saw what you did to Dr. Fulton. You Chazzed him up real good--
And our time is up.
But good news, it's fishwich Friday in the cafeteria today.
[all] Yay!
Calm down. The cafeteria closed five minutes ago.
[all] Aw.
But there's free play in the courtyard till nap time.
[all] Yay!
[man] Nap time!
[all exclaiming]
Buh-bye!
[Dagmar] Now, darling, the most important part
of being Evil Queen is picking the perfect wardrobe.
Your outfits must be seductive and intimidating at the same time.
Weaponize that cleavage, I say. Check these out.
[Bad Bean] Wow, Mom. Those shoulder wingdings really say,
"I'm your ultimate fantasy
-and worst nightmare." -Thank you, dear.
My outfit says, "Clothes are stupid, and if you criticize mine, I'll kill you."
You like it?
Well, you tried. And failed. But at least you tried. And failed.
Let's go. We've got a kingdom to terrify.
[Bad Bean laughs wickedly]
[thunder rumbling]
That is why I always lashed out at you the most, Porky.
Because deep down, I am scared of how much I need you.
Will you ever forgive me?
Oh, Porky.
You know that's not the real Porky, right?
Oh, I know. Sock Porky is far more expressive.
Yes, let's put Porky away now and engage in some roleplay therapy.
Isn't that exactly what I was just doing?
Bean, we're going to have you pretend to be Zøg's daughter.
I am his daughter.
Oh! She's pretty good.
No, seriously. He's my dad.
Yeah, I did it with her mom and everything.
Fascinating. Do go on. Explicitly.
In a deep, sexy voice. And make slurping noises, if you will.
Oh, my God, don't slurp.
Fine, Bean. You killed the mood. Let's move on.
Bean, you'll be you, and Zøg, you will be Bean's mother.
Sure.
[fake British accent] Hello, darling.
Yes, yes. Bean, do you have anything you want to say to your mother?
Um, yeah. Mom, I'm… I'm probably gonna kill you soon.
What? Kill me? Your gorgeous, sexy, leggy,
but [in normal voice] unbearable witchy she-devil, twisted excuse for a mother?
[fake British accent] Why, darling?
I want to kill you because…
I wanna kill you because…
because you've hurt everybody I've ever cared about.
You ruined my life.
This is stupid.
Probably, but keep going. Dig deeper.
Okay. All right, okay.
Um, you really are the worst mom ever.
But… I mean, I guess I didn't always wanna kill you.
I… I used to love you, especially when you were dead.
That was a great time. But now, I just…
But now what, Bean?
But now, if you're the queen of Hell, I… I can't just kill you,
because you'd still be able to get into my dreams.
I have to destroy you.
Wonderful. A breakthrough. Keep going.
That means no Heaven for you, or no Hell for you.
You just won't exist at all.
And it makes me feel…
It makes me feel… I don't know. [sighs]
Killing your mother is one thing,
but wiping her from existence, that's gonna, like, totally mess me up.
What if I can't come back from that?
And what if I really don't come back from it?
I mean, by undoing my mother's very existence, what if I cease to exist?
[all] Whoa.
That's heavy, man.
Dude, I am not high enough for this.
Beanie, that's not a sacrifice you should make.
Let's just move to Yum Yum Island or somethin'. Start over.
Dad, what if it's the only way to save Dreamland? Okay? It might be.
Oof. Uncomfortable.
Okay, that's enough good work for today.
Oh, boy. Now my favorite part of group.
Graham crackers and grape juice. Then meditation time.
[man] Meditation time!
-[yelping] -Grandma!
Whoa!
[munching]
Blech. These are stale.
[slurps]
Ah. Mmm.
[Sagatha] Dear diary,
the mood is stupidly hopeful as we make camp on the eve of war
against Queen Dagmar and her skimpy, slinky battle outfit.
The days ahead are dark and our alliances uneasy,
but we are united in this humble camp,
where everyone, be they elf, fairy, human,
worm, troll, oaf, douchebag, or whatsit, comes to terms with the brevity of life.
Watch as they fortify themselves with camaraderie, grab-ass,
and chunky possum chowder.
…drink up.
[Sagatha] And that upside-down Trøg over there? Why, that's Benji,
and you don't wanna know what he's up to his neck in.
I'm not gonna lie to you. Taking this castle isn't going to be easy.
It's not going to be fun. We will lose good people along the way.
But…
Oh, no, yeah, that's it. We're screwed. Sorry, my intonation was misleading.
[whispers] Say something positive to inspire 'em,
like you did with me, ya dunce.
Okay, fine. We do have one important advantage.
Nobody cares about us.
Yeah, she ain't wrong about that one, pipsqueaks.
This right here is a suicide mission. That I can guarantee. See you all in Hell.
I will be the one with the pitchfork jabbing your bum-bum.
-Oh. -The key to our attack is stealth.
Weirdo, with your subterranean Peeping Tom skills,
you'll lead a squadron up
through the sewer pipes into the throne room from below. Here.
[moans]
Rulo, you'll lead Elf Force Five to converge with Weirdo here.
This is much better than my plan to drown everyone in hot fudge.
It was a stupid idea. I just love hot fudge.
Merkimer here.
As a very loud and popular Dreamlander, what derring-do do I do?
Methinks public relations, perhaps?
Can you track Dagmar and Bad Bean's every move without getting overly aroused?
I promise nothing.
And the rest of you will line up here for the sneak attack.
Nice, you finally found a use for one of those unsold Luci figurines.
Excuse you.
People only bought the Elfo one because it turns into a mini bong.
Well, at least I'm not a little, rubber pig like Merkimer.
If you squeeze me, I fart.
You or the toy?
Yes. Thank you for the set-up.
Boys, I know this is your schtick, but shut the hell up.
At the key moment, we'll separate Dagmar and Bad Bean with a wedge.
A wedge of cheese?
No, Granny Meesekin. I keep telling you, there is no cheese in this plan.
There is only violence and victory.
Ooh, violence. I like it.
I don't know how to explain it, Dad,
but as soon as I said it, I knew it was what I have to do.
Erase Dagmar from existence? Oh, boy.
And you know the crazy thing,
I maybe won't even be around to know if it worked.
What if it doesn't?
I mean, that would really piss me off.
Provided me was even there, of course.
I'm afraid she may be right, Zøg.
Heroes sometimes must sacrifice themselves so others may survive.
And by your powers, Tiabeanie, it's clear that you are the one prophesied
in story, song, folktale, limerick, and outhouse graffiti.
Beanie, don't listen to Bad Jo over there.
Big Jo.
Big Bad Jo. You shouldn't have to choose between existing and saving Dreamland.
Baby girl, you gotta save yourself. You're all I got.
My only kid I can split a cigar with.
The other two don't never inhale right.
Tiabeanie, there will come a time when you must choose
who you would live for and for whom you would die.
-Mora. -The mermaid?
What do you think?
It's 3:00 a.m.
This is DJ Chazz with smooth jazz to make you sleepy.
[loud scatting]
Drum solo!
[imitates drums]
[exclaims]
[scats weakly]
I just wanna go home, take a bath, kill my mom and get on with my life.
Is that too much to ask?
Huh, Bean. Looks like you've learned to talk to yourself out loud.
-Good, good. Care to share? -Let me out of this chair.
I'll share my fist with your face. How about that?
Now, are you sure that's the best use of our time and my face?
[sighs] You're just like my mother, second-guessing me.
Ooh! Sounds like you're onto something.
My whole life, everywhere I go,
it's been her voice in my head, doubting me.
I can't get away from her.
Have you ever had an underwater sex dream
with your own mom peeking at you from behind some coral?
Only all of them.
That's it. Go with it. Get angry. Go nuts. That's what I'm talking about.
Dagmar always made me feel like there was something wrong with me too.
I didn't talk good or dress all royal-like or sneer at Bunty right.
But maybe there's nothing wrong with me or any of us.
I like where she's goin' with this.
I never really believed it when people called me a savior or called me special,
because I thought all I was was a problem.
But you know what? I realized just now, in this chair,
the game's been rigged all along, guys.
How are any of us weirdos supposed to succeed when people like my mother,
people like you, are always changing the rules?
Turns out, I'm not the problem. You're the problem.
Interesting. So you're saying it's authority figures like me,
or parents or cops or gym teachers or driving instructors or security guards
or snooty maître d's, perhaps even society itself that's the problem?
And because we're scared of what's inside us, what we see in you,
we lock you up in hellholes like this to keep you out of sight, out of mind.
Because that's crazy. It's a good thing you're in a loony bin.
No, we are meant to be out there
in that big world living our lives in peace
and killing the people who try to stop us.
[indistinct chatter]
-Turn up the gaslighting. -What?
Bean, this snake pit is a place of acceptance.
Please accept this when I tell you, sit your ass back down.
Do not tell me what to do with my ass.
Don't you get it? You don't have power over us anymore, Doc.
Nope. We're free now. Yep. We know who we really are.
Yeah. Who are we?
Chazz, Giggles, Bean's flipped her wig. It's shock therapy party time.
-[Bean] No. No, stop. Ow! Stop it. -Calm down, Bean. We're just grabbing you.
Let me go, you creeps.
Give her the juice, Nurse Giggles.
[powering on]
[electricity crackling]
[straining]
Oh, come on. More than that.
[Bean straining]
Bean, are you okay?
-No, I'm very irritated. -[crackling]
Hey, they're charging you up. Make with the zippity-zap.
-[zapping] -[Bean grunting]
[men grunting]
[crackling intensifies]
[explodes]
Go! Loonies, be free!
Spread your mental illness to the far corners of the globe.
I'm gonna run for political office.
Let the killing spree begin.
[zapping]
[slurps]
[clattering]
[Dr. Mulberry] Guards, save me!
[zapping]
[crackling]
[grunting]
Dad, scram!
[Dr. Mulberry] I don't deserve some of this.
-[intense zapping] -Ow!
[chewing]
[honking]
I'm so glad we are friends now. Come, Sock Porky.
[horn honking continues]
[Zøg honks]
[demon] Ladies and gentlemen, guys and girls, goofballs and rubes,
presenting for your terror and trepidation,
the dutiful daughter of the beautiful Queen Dagmar.
Get ready to grovel before our princess of passion, empress of evil,
the goddess with the bodice, the unfairly disqualified Miss Teen Ohio,
Tiabeanie Mariabeanie De La Rochambeaux Drunkowitz.
I'm talking about Bean!
[cheering]
[crowd] Bean!
Hello, losers.
Wait a darn second. That ain't our Bean.
She's brushed her hair.
And look at her neck scar.
She's definitely had work done.
-We don't accept you. -Well, accept this. [grunts]
[groaning]
[crowd] We do accept you!
Ah, would you hurry up here? You've seen 'em.
Dreamland citizens ain't gonna save themselves.
[Big Jo] Porky.
Oh, Porky. I have prayed for months that we would meet again.
Ever since you were an abandoned baby in the Enchanted Forest and I rescued you,
and abandoned you myself a week later in the exact spot I originally found you,
and then came back out of guilt three days later and you were still alive,
and raised you myself even though you never talked
and only stared at me in grim reproach,
you've dedicated your life to serving me and the cause of demon liquidation.
Well, I don't want you to work for me anymore.
[chuckles]
No, I'm not firing you, Porky. I want you to be my partner.
Is… Is that a knife you're holding behind your back?
[sighs] Well, I can't say I don't deserve it.
Just make it a clean cut across my throat, please.
Oh.
Porky, Porky, Porky.
Aw! Even creeps got feelings.
Now, pull us to Dreamland.
And no stopping for bathroom breaks or grilled sausages, partner.
Lookie up ahead there. You see that castle on the hill?
We're almost home.
And Dreamland sure looks sweet and pure and beautiful from here.
You see that twinkly red light up there? That's your bedroom.
What do you say, honey? Are you ready?
I'm ready.
[dramatic music playing]
And then we're gonna capture Bean and her wisecracking little friends
and murder them in cold blood.
Can I be the one who kills Bean, Mommy, please?
We'll kill her together, sweetheart. As a family.
[closing theme music playing]