[opening theme music playing]
[whimpering]
Elfo, you're still whimpering.
What if Dagmar's right?
If I hadn't died, she wouldn't be back on the throne,
and we wouldn't be in this mess.
Aw! Why'd I have to die? I'm so stupid.
That really isn't your fault.
Know how many people are crushed by vending machines every year?
I always thought destiny was baloney. But what if it's not?
What if it's my destiny to be a screw-up, and we all die?
I don't think I could live with that guilt.
But you'd be dead too.
Meh. With me, you never know.
[sentimental music playing]
[Bean] I love you, Mora!
Hey, topless. Can we get this fish mobile going already?
Don't worry, squirt.
Bean teached me everything, how to drive this thing.
[whoops]
All right, grab the rope and pull, Dad. Teamwork makes the dream work.
Hey, you know what was a good teamwork? You and that Mora there.
I swear, you two are like the lady army I never had.
Yeah. I mean, it just sucks every time we get together
some jerk comes along and yoinks us apart.
Jealous mermaids, a freak show owner. Mora does it. Fate.
Yeah. I kinda got the same on and off thing going with Ursula.
You know what? Fate is the biggest jerk of all.
You telling me. So how do you deal with it?
Who do you punch?
Oh! The list goes on and on. Servants, walls, statues,
whoever's standing nearby when I'm feeling that sadness.
A lot of times it's Odval.
But I tell you what, Beanie,
I'd rather miss someone than never to have had nobody at all.
Don't worry, Zøg. I'll never leave you.
-Ta-da! -Freckles. He'll save the day.
Freckles will not be saving any days…
-Why? [groans] -And that's final.
The mentally stable people in this gondola have spoken.
Ooh! Gondola. Fancy words from Princess Fancy Pants.
[yelping]
Come on, Beanie.
A possessed little puppet pal ain't gonna hurt nobody.
I beg to differ. [chuckles]
Yeah, it ain't my fault I'm a little wooden bastard.
I was carved that way.
Don't let him sweet talk you, Dad. This always happens.
If fairy tales taught us anything,
it's that puppets are the number one creepy creation.
Nah, Bean, you got it all wrong. It's that we all just wanna be real boys.
With real hopes, and real feelings, and real knives!
[grunts]
-Dad. -I have no idea why he has a knife.
Where'd he go?
[evil laughing]
Yeah.
-[wind whistling] -[exhales]
-[gasps] -[Freckles laughing]
[grunts]
One step closer, the balloon gets it.
Doink, doink.
Stop it, you'll doink us all to death, dummy!
What do I care? I'm already dead. I was born dead.
This whole world holds nothing for me.
I sat motionless in a ventriloquist's shop window for years.
Being mocked by passing kids and drunks. And drunk passing kids.
Oh. Yeah. That was 100% percent me.
That was you? [groans]
I never got no hugs, I never got no love.
The only time I got attention was when I was doing annoying little jigs
and telling hurtful cornball jokes.
But I ain't no joke! I got a heart, and I got a soul,
and I got strange, disturbing dreams.
I'm alive!
-I appreciate the vulnerability. -Thank you.
But didn't you just say you were dead, like, five times?
-Shut up! -You shut up!
-You shut up!
[yells] I got the knife. Listen. Now I'm finally king.
King on the top of the balloon.
Well, I… I think, then, that this calls for a little victory dance, right?
Freckles? Dad?
I do love dancing. [hums]
[Bean singing indistinctly]
-Dance, dummy, dance, dummy. -Whoa!
[groans] Nice try, Beanie, baby. But for once, I'm in control here,
and now, we're gonna head back to Dreamland,
so that I can be with Mom.
-What? -Mom.
That's right. I'm your brother.
-Are you gaslighting me? -Yeah!
Man, this is one screwy family tree.
Speaking of, what'd Mom do? Sleep with an oak?
And Dagmar promised me the throne when I was a little boy.
And there's nothing you
or that foolish father of ours can do about it.
You hear that, Zøg?
Yeah, I hear you. Yank!
[screaming]
You'll be sorry!
Have fun drowning, Freckles!
Wood floats, you crumbum!
[dramatic music playing]
[singing indistinctly]
What? I'm back where I started.
All right, Bad Bean, if you were me, where would you hide you?
Nah, too obvious.
Too subtle.
Wait a minute, that's a great idea!
Severed head, you're a genius. [kisses]
Ew.
[singing indistinctly]
[Dagmar] Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Okay, that's enough. Mommy's satisfied.
[groans]
Okay, go on, go to your throne. That's it. Go to your throne.
Now, why can't all of Bean's little friends be that cooperative?
Unfortunately, they have brains, darling.
You and Luci get on like old chums.
Why don't you work that pathetic relationship
and get the location of Bad Bean's head out of him?
Might as well get something.
But, Dag, dear, you know severed heads give me the willies.
Ever since that summer they invented the guillotine.
This is not a negotiation. Go.
-[Bad Bean grunts] -Yeah. Satan, old poop stack, like, scram.
[Dagmar laughs wickedly]
Listen to that evil, arousing laughter.
If I never died, those creeps would not be occupying the throne room.
[Scruffles chuckling]
Well, maybe still Scruffles.
You gotta stop dwelling on the past, Elfo.
How about you just learn from your mistakes and move on?
Nope, sorry. Uh-uh.
Elfo does not learn from his mistakes. Ever. He's a sucker.
Luci is right, you know. I am a sucker. I just wish I knew who shot me.
Everyone who has ever met you has a motive.
Well, even if you knew, it wouldn't change anything.
You can't undo the past.
You know my motto. "Undo it!"
Ugh. If only.
Follow me, schlimazel.
I got an idea so crazy, it just might work.
Or kill you. I'm not picky.
[grunts]
Et voilà, mes petits boneheads.
The crystal ball?
Get ready to time travel, baby.
Time travel?
No, no, no, boys. Not a good idea to mess with the past.
All the books say time travel is dangerous,
especially the book by that guy who hasn't been born yet.
[scoffs] Please. I'm an elf. Sucking on lollipops is dangerous,
but I thought this thing just shows the past.
Can it actually take me back in time?
-Someone's coming! -[both gasps]
Continuing our castle tour, this is the crystal ball room.
And that girl with the mop is Mop Girl. She's cleaning up a puddle of Luci.
And there's pregnant Elfo.
I had a baby, but it wasn't a baby. It was a burrito.
Okay, bye.
Uh… Where's Elfo?
Oh, no. Look.
[Elfo panting]
How much you wanna bet he destroys reality?
Either way, I won't have to pay.
[both grunts]
[triumphant music playing]
Elfo, what are you doing?
Is that some kind of giant gum ball you have there?
Mightn't I have a lick?
Shh. Please, Merkimer, keep your voice down.
So where are you headed? Let me join you on your quest.
It's a secret time traveling mission.
If I pull this off, it will fix everything that's gone wrong.
You mean I could be human again?
Oh, um, no. Only stuff that happened after--
Never mind. Not interested.
[scoffs]
[indistinct chatter]
Freaks, please! Okay?
The good news is, you are no longer exploited victims of a cruel system.
But you are also now officially cargo. So, quiet.
And now we dive. Next stop, Dreamland.
-[Odval] Excuse me, Captain Mermaid? -What?
Uh, might it be a small problem if the hatch is still open?
What's a hatch?
[Freaks screaming]
Help! I'm too lazy to swim.
In an emergency, I could be used as a flotation device.
Yeah! Beach party on Derek Island tonight.
[dramatic music playing]
[sighs] There it isn't, the invisible gates of Elfwood.
Looks so peaceful and quiet now.
Hard to believe this was the very spot where I got brutally murdered.
Now to go back in time and fix everything.
Oh, magic crystal time ball, take me back to right before I was murdered.
-[wind howls] -[crackling]
[gasps] It worked. There I am.
I am the master of time and destiny.
Elfo's out there destroying the space-time continuum.
Some guys have all the fun. [sighs]
[gasps]
Oh, how I long for the days when a horrified shriek would thrill me.
But I'm married now, so nothing does.
In fact, the wife seems to enjoy keeping me on edge.
Is there a place around here where I can hide from Dagmar
and soothe my jangled nerves?
There's the cafeteria, and--
The old castle mental ward. What a wonderful idea.
Let's go there now.
[clangs]
Look, Luci, these prison bars hold so much pain and anguish.
Such a lovely sound, like home away from home.
[sighs]
[clanging]
It is strangely comforting. Almost hypnotic. Uh-oh.
Listen to the sound of my voice, Luci, so smooth.
Some have even said dulcet.
You will follow the sound down, down, down
into the innermost reaches of your mind.
[Luci] You lost me at dulcet.
JK, I'm back onboard.
[dramatic music playing]
You are lost without my soothing words.
When I tap again, you will follow my voice wherever it commands,
and you will reveal the location of Bad Bean's head.
[Satan] You are under my spell.
Yes, master.
You'll do anything I say.
Yes, master.
Excellent. Now--
Yes, master.
Yes, great. I want you--
Yes, master.
-Let me finish-- -Yes, master.
Are you truly hypnotized or are you just screwing with me?
Yes, master.
I command you to stop saying, "Yes, master."
[guard] Yes, master.
-Get out! -Me or Turbish, master?
Both of you! No, I need you. Stay seated. I command--
Yes, master.
Have you seen my baby burrito?
Get out!
Okay, bye.
We're all gonna die!
Well, I won't. [chuckles]
But I vow to stay with you all until the last person drowns.
[cackling]
[woman screaming in distance]
[female voice] Look! It's hood ornament mommy.
[triumphant music playing]
Hurray, we're saved!
There's not a first-class poop deck, is there?
Ugh! You know this is pirate boat, not rescue boat.
Can we at least rob them as we save them?
Is wrong to do, so do.
[man grunts]
[laughing maniacally]
[gasps] I'm about to die.
By order of your father, you will stand aside, Tiabeanie.
Hey, nobody calls me "Tiabeanie",
except my best friends and my worst enemies.
Now, to kill the killer before he or she kills me.
[suspenseful music playing]
This is it. Oh, man, it could be anybody.
Odval? He's hated me ever since I named his third eyeball "Soul Stealer."
Turbish? He is fiendishly clever.
Is it Pendergast? Nah, he's just standing there.
We are a team.
-I always thought so. -Really?
I gotta act fast. I'm about to get shot.
[gasps] It was Pendergast. He's picking up an arrow.
[groans]
No, Elfo! Elfo, speak to me. Elfo.
Who did that?
I did that.
[gasps]
"Had enough?" [scoffs] What do you think?
Mm-hmm.
[sighs] This is my worst screw-up yet. Stupid bow and arrow.
No one can ever know about any of this.
I gotta take this shame to my grave. Well, my next grave.
[indistinct chatter]
I will have you back home in no time.
That's great. I can't tell time anyway.
Oona, I hope it's not awkward, me being here.
You know, 'cause you're Zøg's ex and I'm Zøg's now.
And he and I make love like, well, wild bears.
It was not awkward until you brag.
Uh, Zøg is more like friend to me now.
And I have many of those.
-There's one. Bonjour, Annabelle. -[Annabelle grunts]
Can I ask you a question about Zøg?
If about Zøg farting in bed, no.
No way to stop it.
Why you think I sleep on ceiling?
I don't know what will happen when we get back.
You'll figure it out.
Zøggie may be a king, but we both know he is wild at heart.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Can't get the crazy lug out of my head.
You know what I do when I need to get insanity out of my head?
[screaming]
You're right. I feel great.
[both screaming]
[gasps]
So, how was your ill-advised time trip
with the crystal ball I warned you not to take?
I didn't take anything anywhere. My arms naturally bend backwards this way.
[sighs]
You can't run from the past, Elfo.
Watch me.
[chuckles and gasps]
Hiding under a bridge ain't gonna solve your problem.
Unless you're part Troll, are ya?
Trolls are sneaky and cunning.
Does that sound like me? I didn't think so.
-[Mop Girl] I just wanna talk. -[groans]
Leave me alone, will you?
You're just gonna tell me, "I told you so," and I feel bad enough.
Hey. Friends don't make friends feel worse, unless you're Luci.
He thinks he's being so naughty, but don't you wanna hug him like a baby?
So, what happened to make you so upset? Did you find out who shot you?
[stutters] It was Pendergast. But don't worry.
I killed him first and fixed everything, so we don't have to talk about it.
Elfo, you can lie to me, but don't lie to yourself.
How do you know I'm lying?
Because, duh, you and I still exist in the same timeline.
If you changed things, I would know.
[sighs] Fine. But can we talk inside?
I don't feel like being humiliated in front of a bunch of gophers.
We're chipmunks, you idiot.
[laughing]
Oh, shut up.
Good evening, Stanley, Touchy.
I am merely showing my friend, Satan, something I hid that I must now reveal.
I am not hypnotized. I just like talking this way.
Go right ahead, gents. Mi dungeon es su dungeon.
[grunting]
I'm sensing a million screaming souls and the most wonderful aftershave.
[chuckles]
[chirping]
Here, after you, my sweet Dark Lord.
Inka binka, dinka, binka, boohoo.
It's hundreds of severed heads.
Well, I suppose it is the perfect place to hide one.
Thank you for the compliment, Your hen-pecked Highness.
This way, please.
[Satan sighs]
Up there, at the top of these rickety, rotting shelves, Bad Bean's head.
Well, aren't you going to go fetch it for me?
Too hypnotized to climb.
[sighs]
I hope Dagmar appreciates this. [grunts]
The things I do for love and not being yelled at.
Mmm. Higher, master.
-That's too high. -[grunts]
-Down. To the left. -The left.
I mean right.
-[groans] -Diagonal to the west. Almost there.
-Uh-huh. Like this? -Perfect.
-[exclaims] -[screaming]
[grunting and groaning]
[sighs]
Bad Bean's head was never here, was it, Luci?
[laughing] You chump! I can't believe you thought
you'd get away with your tired, old hypnotism routine.
Go back to Vaudeville, you loser. Hunka-hunka.
[scatting]
[Luci laughing]
And then my arrow missed, and I hit myself.
Ugh. I promised if I ever died, I'd have this really big death,
but instead, I just looked like a fool.
No, you didn't. When they brought you back,
you looked like a very peaceful little corpse.
I thought you were so handsome in your tiny glass coffin.
All my life I've been a screw-diddly-doo-up,
and now I have proof. That's my destiny.
Elfo, destiny isn't real.
It's just a word humans made up to explain anything beyond their control.
We don't have to live that way. We're not human.
What do you mean, "We're not--"
Just be in charge of your life right now.
The past is done, and the future, it has yet to be created.
You can make it whatever you want. Be whoever you want.
Wow.
Wait, then how come you're nothing but a, you know…
Member of the custodial staff?
I'm biding my time, studying, reading, scheming.
I'm gonna be a wizard someday. Maybe the next Sorcerio.
Oh. [scoffs] Please. You have way more talent in your little pinky
than Sorcerio has in his whole fleshy, sagging body.
And, well, you've definitely cast a spell on me, Mop Girl.
Oh, thanks. And I like who you are. A lot.
But I know you could be much better.
You have it in you to become a great fighter,
or maybe even a leader of, you know, wee folk.
I believe in you, Elfo.
Gee, thanks. You're right. I can do anything I want. Starting now.
[thuds]
-Elfo, the ball. -[gasps]
Screw destiny and this stupid ball. Here's to a totally blank future.
[grunts]
You could have used the crystal ball to go back in time
even earlier and stop yourself from killing yourself.
-What? -I'm kidding. Maybe. Probably.
Who knows? What the hell. Does it matter now?
[chuckles]
You know what? I feel free. Free to do anything, go anywhere.
[Dagmar] I know a shattering crystal ball when I hear one. Guards!
[gasps] But we better hide here tonight.
Honestly, a hayloft with you is a step up
from the sack of turnips I usually sleep on.
[groans]
Good work. You managed to find every head in the kingdom
except the one I'm looking for.
Luci and dry rot conspired against me.
Ugh! So wimpy. Come, headless Bean. Looks like it's up to us now.
[grunting]
[sighs]
Is this my future?
I mean, we could spruce this place up and make a pretty nice B and B.
Or maybe when we wake up, Bean will be back.
And we'll finally beat Dagmar.
And then we can all hang out forever and be happy.
Whoa, happiness. That'll take some getting used to.
Or maybe we'll all go off and do new things with new people
because none of us should be alone.
Maybe I'll have scary adventures and have to overcome my deepest fears.
And after that, maybe I'll finally finish my epic novel full of flaming passion
and mysteries hiding in plain sight.
I hope it has a happy ending. Anything can happen, starting tomorrow.
[snoring]
[gasps]
What the…
Doink.
Touch my ear again and I'll kill you.
[closing theme music playing]