[opening theme music playing]
[telephone ringing]
Freak Show, P.T. speaking.
Oh, hello, Gunderson.
No, haven't seen Bean yet, but we're ready.
Say, do you think they'd mind all being in the same aquarium?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Well, there's already a walrus in there.
-[whispers] Duck! -[Zøg] Where's the duck?
How do we rescue Derek and Bear Boy now?
[whispers] And Freckles. Don't forget Freckles. [honks]
-Dad. -Sorry.
-We could bust in the front. -Too risky.
-We could drop in through the roof. -Too scary.
We could go underwater.
Too drowny.
Unless…
[suspenseful music playing]
[Bean in normal voice] We steal this Electrofish.
Are you sure this ain't a floatin' coffin?
It don't just float, it sinks. Come on.
-Mora, you'll be our getaway driver. -[engine powering up]
Don't be intimidated by all these fancy buttons,
and beepers, and doodads…
No, don't press that! You wanna kill us?
Now, once all the freaks are safely aboard and Dad and I jump in,
you turn this big fancy key fast.
I think, left. It might be right.
-[horn blares] -Okay! [chuckles]
Only crank that in an emergency now, all right?
It's this one.
-[music playing on speakers] -Oops.
-I liked that. -Later.
You'll wanna set this destination dial before taking off.
Pier 33, that's where the Freak Show's at.
Dreamland. That's where you'll set it, Captain Mora.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
I gotta make that sound?
Yeah. Actually, I find it helps. [chuckles]
[Mora] Wow!
That's all you need to know, I think.
Oh. If you hit a porpoise, that's their problem.
Honestly, those guys deserve it.
[Bean] Dad, sit down.
[Zøg] Don't tell me what to do.
[Zøg crashes]
[gasps] Seems so peaceful from here.
I almost forget it was my prison for three years.
-Let's burn this place down. -Aw.
You're a sweetheart.
[Elfo screaming]
[panting and yelping]
-[footsteps thumping] -[Elfo exclaiming]
[screaming]
Luci, Mop Girl, thank God I screamed into you. [screams]
Confuse it. Split up.
[yelps] Why does it hate me?
'Cause you're the one who gave Bean the sword that chopped her head off.
Jeez. Hold a grudge much? Let it go.
Okay, truce. [chuckles] Game's over.
In there!
Hello. I don't usually have night visitors.
Or any visitors.
Care for some Jerry chow?
It's good for your bones, 'cause it's mostly bones.
[pounding on door]
[Bean] Perfect. Okay, just a few more feet.
Okay, forward. A little more.
Bit… Bit more. Easy, easy.
[grunts]
[gasps]
[groans] It's 3:00 a.m. Are you wankers still at it?
[tense music playing]
[pounding on door]
[uneasy music playing]
Oh. Hello, Headless Bean.
So nice of you to drop in.
Looking for someone?
No one here, but us Jerries.
[chuckles nervously]
Don't look in there!
[Elfo] Surely it's safe by now. Open up, Jerry.
[Jerry yelps]
-[Elfo] Uh-oh. -[Jerry grunts]
[all grunts]
-[bone snaps] -Ow!
My neck. I think I'm dying again.
Yeah, I am.
-Jerry! -Jerry!
-Poor dead Jerry. -Only the dumb die young.
I don't know what I'm looking for, but… All clear!
Keep the engine running until we get back. And don't touch anything.
-Touch. -Ugh!
-Hmm? -Hmm.
[snoring]
[P.T.] Rise and shine, Petey.
It's slop bucket time,
then you lead the freaks in morning prayer.
Yeah, well, I pray every day for your death, Dad.
By the way, your new wife is sleeping with your golf instructor.
Oh, isn't that nice.
I hope you get eaten by a swamp monster. [groans]
[whispers] Bean? What are you doing here?
If it's to laugh at my humiliation, don't bother.
I have no feelings anymore.
[whispers] I came to free you. I love you, baby brother.
Finally, I get some affection from this family.
You know, I had a screwed-up childhood.
Did I tell you about the big skillet?
I know. We'll talk all about it later.
For now, shut up. This is a covert operation.
Derek! The star of the Freak Show!
Hands up.
Well, well, well. If it isn't my coming attractions.
Poop bucket? [groans]
Well, that's years of therapy I won't be needing.
Thanks, lady.
Wow! I've never been so close to a real, live woman before.
Will you marry me?
Just help me with the others, big boy.
-I am a big boy. -Now, hurry.
We gotta get all these freaks out of here before P.T. wakes up,
the pier opens, or they realize the world outside sucks just as much.
[heavenly music playing]
Ah, Jerry. Welcome back!
Mmm. That's not how I made you.
Ow!
[groans]
Now, could you massage my feet?
[pensive music playing]
Come and get me, Bad Bean!
If you really hate me, you'll climb into this pipe.
That's it.
You know you wanna murder me.
A little further.
Good.
Now, aim it at the ocean.
Are you sure Dagmar said this is okay?
Hey, Dagmar doesn't pay you to ask questions.
Dagmar pays me? Oops.
Exactly how much powder did you cram in there?
Is "all" an amount?
Ah, Derek, I missed you more than I thought I would.
Are you okay?
Yes, Father.
We got all of the unsold clams we could eat.
I ate one.
All right, let's find Bear Boy.
The family menagerie ain't complete without him.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it one more time.
If you're magnetic, please wear gloves as you descend the ladder,
otherwise it's a holdup for everybody.
[man laughing happily]
Odval? What are you doing here? You ain't no freak.
You got… One, two, three… Three eyes. Who knew?
Um, if you don't mind my saying, sire,
could you kindly move your ass and unlock my ankle chain?
[oinking]
[whimpers]
[chitters]
Hey, ain't you that lady who kisses fishes?
Mermaids ain't fishes! I don't know what they are.
I'd rather stay in here then.
Your call. Slam!
[scoffs]
Okay, out with it.
How come you let me die this time? This is gonna be good.
Now, now, Jerry.
What is death, really, but a new beginning?
"New beginning."
Don't hand me that mumbo-jumbo.
First, I get murdered with my lucky hammer,
then I get yanked up to here, and then I get yanked down to Earth,
get my head twisted around, and now I'm yanked up here again.
Make up your mind, God.
You've done well, my son.
I'm not your son. I'm a goddamn yo-yo.
There's something you don't see every day,
a headless flying squirrel.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, good news, Elfo. Now she hates all of us.
-Run! -Run!
Come on, Jasper. Aren't you glad to see your old man?
Yeah, you're okay, I guess.
You realize I've been living off broken churros for the last few months.
What about my mom?
Your ma?
Oh, Bear Boy, I… I didn't want to tell you,
on account of you being young and maybe blaming me, but…
[groans] I can't say.
Oh, Bear Boy!
Your ma died in a forest fire!
No, she didn't, you dumbass. She's here.
She was climbing up the log. I told her not to.
And then she went and did it anyway…
What?
Hurry up, Dad, the pier's about to open,
and the morning drunks will be here any minute.
Gotcha. One more cage to go.
Come on, Bear Boy, show me your ma. Your big, beautiful ma.
Ew.
-Ursula! -Zøg?
-You're alive! -You're hairless.
You didn't die! You're not even crispy.
Oh, Zøg! I knew you'd come for me someday.
-Really? -No, honey.
But human males like to hear that sort of thing.
Dad, Ursula, come on, there's no time for that.
Shipboard romance is more exciting anyway.
Hustle, Dad, let's go! [claps]
[grunting]
What the… God damn it!
-[water splashes] -[Bear Boy] You klutz.
[foghorn blaring']
Oh, no. The pier's opening. That's the morning cotton candy whistle.
[grunting]
Out of my way.
[grunting]
Beanie, you did it. My magical girl.
Don't call me that, but I did, didn't I?
Nice powers, giant squirrel.
Yeah, um, thanks. Hi, Ursula.
Now, let's go.
All reunions, emotional and sexual, on the boat. Please.
Ew.
Okay, all freaks accounted for.
Just one more. Your father?
-[gunshot] -Dad!
-[dramatic music playing] -[gasps]
Go! All right, we'll meet you at the end of the pier. Go, now!
Oh, Bean.
Don't you wanna kill l'il old me?
I've got just the place for you to do it.
[footsteps approaching]
[Elfo] Bye-bye.
Um, guys, it ain't dead.
Now, it's just shooting flames out of its neck.
[grunting]
[Zøg] You missed, Magoo.
[groans] Go, Beanie. I got this. Come here, champ.
Ow! Nice try, butterball.
[grunts]
[laughs nervously]
Drop the gun, P.T., or else…
Or else what?
You gonna bore me to death with one of your speeches?
-How about a eulogy for your daddy? -[cocks gun]
I warned you.
[grunting]
[laughs]
[straining]
[groans]
[growls]
[dramatic music playing]
Dad, in here!
Do we have to? I don't like fantasy.
Hurry up. No one cares which way the labels are facing.
You were right, Luci. There's one thing no Beans can resist.
Oh, yeah.
Come to me, my big stupid love.
Hmm. It's working.
Those pickup classes I took with Pendergast finally paid off.
[all cheering]
You know what's great about having a head? Your body doesn't fill up with water.
[gasps]
She's indestructible.
[Mop Girl] Hide!
She's coming for us.
For you, Elfo. She's coming for you! Honk, honk.
[gun cocks]
Jump in, Dad.
[grunts]
[carnival music playing]
Freckles?
-[gun firing] -[Zøg] What the…
[intense music playing]
[trumpeting]
Hey, why did Turbish get his own room?
[horn honks]
-[gun firing] -[Bean] Whoa!
[Zøg] Is that machine gun part of the ride?
[bell ringing]
[evil laughter]
I don't like this part. [honks]
Guci and Luci.
[evil laughter]
[Bean] Not sure what the narrative is here.
[both scream]
[gasps and groans]
[growls] Consarn it, you cowards!
Bean, can we go again?
No time, Dad. Come on!
You, uh, have to specifically ask for a baloney sandwich.
Otherwise you'll get, like, a side of falafel balls. [chuckles]
Shut up, darlings.
Queenie, I was kind of in the middle of, like, an important story.
I love you, Scruffles, you're perfect, but right now, I don't care.
I found it.
-The body? -The bait.
[music box playing]
[Scruffles hums and chuckles]
Thank you for assembling with pitchforks and torches on such short notice.
There's a monster on the loose. It's about a head shorter than Bean.
Okay, mob, surge forward!
[indistinct chatter]
[music box continues playing]
[gasps]
Bravo, Dagmar. You do have a flair for the dramatic.
Shut up and observe. You might learn something.
[music stops]
Oh! There you are.
Aw. Don't be shy. Come on.
Don't slouch, dear. That's better. Come on in. You too, Elfo.
Gulp.
So glad you could join us, Elfo. You're such an elusive guest.
Well, I don't recall receiving an invitation,
so, you know, there's that.
But here you are anyway. Bold for an elf.
Uh, I'm half ogre too, you know. [snarls]
Half man, half-wit, half-assing his way into my affairs.
Still, it wouldn't be right
for you to miss out on my ultimate triumph, would it?
If you're trying to hurt my feelings, it's not working.
Well, a little.
It was after all thanks to you dying, way back when, that I am here today.
Remember when Bean brought me back to life instead of you?
Remember when Bean left you dead on the floor?
Dead on the floor like a chump? Yes. What's your point?
None of this would've been possible without you.
You were murdered so I could live.
Stabbed in the back, was it? Oh, well, who cares?
So, what do you say, Elfo? Shall we get the head?
I dare you to, like, look upwards.
Toodles! [scatting]
[imitates revving]
So long, suckers!
I wasn't stabbed in the back,
I was shot in the back with a very pointy arrow.
My last moments alive were super traumatizing.
[exhales sharply]
Oh, my God, Dagmar's right. I ruined everything.
Aw, don't blame yourself, Elfo. Blame whoever murdered you.
Just think, Elfo,
your murderer's out there, lurking in the shadows.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
[humming]
[both panting]
[Bean grunts]
[dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
[groans]
Nobody flim-flams P.T. McGee!
I flim your flams!
[groans]
[Bean] Yahoo!
And that's for enslaving my girlfriend, you jerk-off!
Whoa! You two are getting serious? Attagirl.
[Mora] Hey, Bean! Come back!
I can't turn this thing around!
Set your dial to Dreamland! We'll see you there!
Well, have fun with your dad in a basket for an unknown amount of time.
Hey, where's our dial?
There's no dial on this. Where the hell are we going?
[evil laughing]
[Zøg] How can there be evil laughter so high up in the sky?
[evil laughing]
[Zøg yelps]
[closing theme music playing]