synced by peritta - corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com
Previously on "You Me Her"...
I don't know how other throuples do it
without one of them always feeling like they were the odd human out.
Did I hear that right? You want to work this out?
Why don't you call Weird Janis and her lover
and find out the appropriate attire for this cleansing ceremony?
You're looking for something.
Somewhere along the line, we became, like, uncool.
Can I ask you what is in this, because it is fantastic.
Shrooms and a dash of Ayahuasca.
So, scary Nina?
I know it's fast, but yeah.
Got to hold her real tight, like a autism blanket.
Andy Cutler, he's a love junkie.
That... That's his shit?
That's his shit.
Dude's a serial monogamist.
My professional recommendation would be surrogacy.
Do you think we're making a mistake
sending Izzy away every time she's an inconvenience?
How do we explain her presence here?
I have an idea.
- You're our surrogate. - As your surrogate,
why would I be living in your guest room?
Because you're uneducated and poor.
If you tell Lori about this, ... I will
You'll break my legs? Eat my face?
So who made this moment possible for you?
I'm not being an asshole.
Come the fuck on.
You don't actually believe this was her first time.
I hear something.
It's Hal and Rita.
Oh, God.
Whatever you're selling, we ain't buying.
Is this the right place?
Just laugh.
- Whoo! - Yeah!
There is my little girl!
- Hi! - Mm!
I'll take these. All right.
- Hi, Dad. - Mm!
Whoa, don't pull a vagina muscle there, "Doctor."
Okay, you don't need air quotes there now.
- I'm actually a doctor. - Oh.
- It's a hard fact. - Well.
Welcome to Oregon. Rita.
- Jack. - Sir.
Bet you want to hug me, don't you?
- It's not necessarily. - Wow.
Even straight men are always loving each other
all over out here, am I right?
When in Portland.
Ow. Okay.
Geez.
Polite greeting turns into an actionable assault.
An actionable assault?
This damn country and its pansy-ass litigation,
am I right, Rita?
Practically never, sweetheart.
Who have we here?
New hot mom in the neighborhood?
Well, that's... that's the funny thing.
Hola. I am Izzy.
It's short for Isabelle.
- Hey. - Mrs. Seaver, Mr. Seaver.
Ah. Okay.
But, seriously, who...
who are you to Emma and Jack?
Um, she is...
Well, uh...
I got this.
Izzy here is...
having our baby.
Table 12.
- Hey. - Oh, dude.
What the fuck?!
Sorry. You startled me.
I'm... I got some troubling news recently
that must've made me twitchy.
Purse.
I... I don't really know why this came to me all of a sudden,
but you and me, we're not a thing.
Oh.
What the fuck?
Autism blanket.
No. Seems like you're under the impression
that this can become more than mutual masturbation,
so I'm just gonna end it right here.
Bye-bye.
Oh, is your shift done?
You.
No, bro. Man, come on.
I'm really working on staying out of people's shit.
- Since when? - Since, like... since...
You know, not yet, but it's something I probably should start.
Just spill it.
Does the name Michelle mean anything to you?
I got an ex-girlfriend, Michelle Flores.
Sure, sounds about right.
Key phrase... serial monogamist.
What the fuck does that mean?
Well, instead of ringing up sexual conquests,
a serial monogamist has way too many romances
on his or her résumé,
swiftly moving from one serious relationship to the next.
Michelle said that about me?
Yeah, to Nina.
Hence, I'm fucked.
By having our baby,
Jack means that Izzy is our surrogate.
Neither of us are having sex with her, though.
Well, certainly not both of us.
'Cause that would be obscene.
So, that means...
How's that work again?
It means I'm all loaded up with her eggs and his semen.
We, that is Jack and I,
are trying to have a baby inside her.
Oh, my.
Hal.
They're saying we're finally gonna have a grandchild.
Is that right?
Is that true?
- It'll really be Emma's baby? - Mm-hmm.
A Seaver?
Well, technically.
Ooh!
I am so proud of you.
Also graduated at the top of my class,
designed a bunch of cool buildings,
and just made partner at my firm, but, um...
thanks, Mom.
Come here, you.
Thanks to you,
- the Seaver name lives on. - Oh.
Jack.
- You're welcome. - Technically, again,
it wouldn't be a Seaver 'cause we have a different...
This calls for some real booze for a toast.
I just might have some on hand.
Oh, I'm so excited, I'm shaking.
This is really happening.
No, no, no, no, no, it... it could happen.
But we could also call you in a few weeks
and say it just didn't take.
Yeah, that's absolutely true, you know?
We wouldn't be surprised, and... and you guys shouldn't be surprised either.
Neither of us should be surprised if this doesn't work.
You know, we're just trying to manage our expectations here.
You know, I read somewhere that
when you're this particular kind of preggers
that many doctors recommend two to five drinks a day.
I mean, it's science, right?
No, no doctor in the history of forever said that.
You caught me.
Come on, I don't read.
Enjoy, everybody else.
Very cool. Super. Loving this.
Okay, so, here's to the
roughly one in five chance that this will work.
Yeah, at best.
I think that's optimistic, statistically speaking.
Cheers. Cheers.
Hey.
Enjoying your opioid trance?
Ava, my spawn.
I was just thinking about you.
Let's... Let's have a little chitty chat.
Fucking awesome.
Do not say "fucking" right up in my face, young lady.
Whatever.
You know what?
Say whatever you want. You're almost 17.
You are chemically inclined to provoke,
and I have to stop
making a federal fucking case out of it.
Where are you from, what do you want,
and how did you get inside this hollow thing
that was once my mother?
I love you. You know that, right?
Come on, I have said "I love you" before.
True, but let's contextualize, shall we?
Last night you literally dragged me to the Trakarsky house,
your eyes blazing with the fury of a thousand suns.
I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have gone over there.
I stirred up shit between those three again.
Keeping it between me and you,
that would have been the un-assholey thing to do.
Ava...
Did you coax and cajole Izzy into smoking with you
and promise you would never ever tell anybody,
but then when you got caught, blame it all on her?
Yeah.
That's better.
Thank you for being honest.
You're welcome.
And you're grounded for another month.
What? I thought we were having
some kind of "Aha" moment here.
- We are. - So why?
Well, because you made a promise to Izzy
and then you broke that promise.
That makes you an asshole.
I'm grounding you for being an asshole,
because as stated, I love you.
This is all very weird.
I know, but in a good way.
Mnh-mnh.
Mm-hmm.
- Mnh-mnh. - Yeah.
It's amazing how much of my cookbook works
in that RV's little kitchen.
Everything tastes better when this girl makes it.
It's like she's got some secret spice or something.
It's called love, Harold.
- Mm-hmm. - Aww!
Emma, did I not give you a copy of my cookbook?
I could swear I did several times.
Yep. Mm-hmm.
So, you wrote a cookbook?
That's so cool.
Uh, no offense, Mom,
but really just a scrapbook
of clippings from magazines and newspapers.
Kinko's is her publisher.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Mnh-mnh.
I also have a few old family recipes in there, as well.
Isabelle, maybe you'd like a copy.
Yeah, I would...
She hates being called that.
I kind of like the way that she says it.
Okay, you can stop blowing my mom now, Isabelle.
Emma Christine Seaver!
Still not her name.
Okay, I get it, Mom.
I know what you're doing. I don't cook,
and I can't have babies the normal way... I hear you.
Isabelle, I pulled together everything healthy
I could find in these paper bags.
Thank you.
You know what, Rita?
My favorite thing that you've ever whipped up
is that girl over there.
So gay.
She made this box a home for me.
First one of my whole life.
You grew up homeless like that Justin Beaver kid?
How did we not know that?
Justin Beaver.
So good. Go on.
No, I mean, I... I had a house.
I grew up in a house, but not a home.
We don't all have to hold hands
and get queer over this, do we?
Dad.
So, Jack, anything around this home of yours
you need a real man to fix while I'm here?
You know what, Hal? I am an expert
at finding precisely the right professional
for everything I need.
It's very true. I can personally attest to that.
As a surrogate.
Of course as a surrogate. What else would you mean?
No offense, but...
Oh, this should be good.
If you two had started working on this at 24 like normal people,
you wouldn't need professional assistance.
We hadn't even met then, so we couldn't have started at 24.
No, you or somebody better.
Maybe a man who doesn't pull a hamstring
changing a lightbulb.
That's an incredibly reductive
version of a highly complex incident.
Like, the ladder was extremely high
and winds were gusting that day.
- Fierce winds. - I thought he was kidding.
That actually happened?
Could've happened to anyone.
That's not that funny.
Glad you all find my
lack of mundane masculine acumen so amusing.
"Masculine acumen"?
Who talks like that?
I'm not laughing. No.
Okay, after 100 years of marriage,
that still blinded me in one eye.
When did drugs become so scary?
When did they stop being kind and happy?
Yeah. You know, I'm thinking maybe when we added a mortgage
and a couple needy little humans to the mix.
We're grown-ups for the rest of our lives.
Oh, my God, that's fucking terrifying.
Okay, so I'm just gonna...
help you.
Gonna put it... put it on.
Yeah, you don't have to help me. That's fine.
Just... Just do what you're doing.
Just gonna lift your leg through there.
That's good stuff. You can put it down.
Thank you. Okay.
Always wanted three kids.
There we go.
In you go, in you go, yeah.
There we go.
Okay, you ready?
Now underneath and bottoms up.
Yeah. That's awesome.
Thank you, thank you.
All right. Wedgie.
Good boy.
Is this a sex thing?
- Absolutely not. - Okay, good,
'cause it's weird and disturbing.
And we're just not.
Hmm.
We're suburban parents
living in the suburbs.
Who occasionally become redundant?
- What? - Never mind.
The point is we're us.
We're Dave and Carmen.
We're exactly who we are.
- You know what? - What?
I'm going to embrace the predictability of chain restaurants
and the convenience of cargo shorts.
I'm going to wear cargo shorts to Applebee's
and be completely actualized
We didn't sell out.
It wasn't an accident,
and we don't owe anybody an apology.
No. Fuck 'em, right?
Fuck 'em.
Whoever them are.
Whoever them is.
Whomever.
Whomever is them.
Well said, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
It's okay. I got it.
Okay.
Honey, will you hurry back, please?
Because I'm still feeling pretty paranoid.
Ah. Fuck it.
I'm looking for a Michelle.
She's got dull brown hair.
She's super plain.
She's kind of annoying and off-putting.
Hey, anybody? Michelle?
Totally not pulling off scrubs as cute as I would,
that's for sure. Oh, come on, people.
I get that she's not exactly memorable.
Hey.
Wow, fuck dignity, right?
Uh well, "A," fuck you, and...
"B," I need your help.
Can you hear yourself being that stupid?
Ow, easy!
Your crazy girl strength is hurting me.
Tell me the truth. Did Andy dump you real hard
so now you just run around cock blocking him?
Just give it to me straight. I'm not gonna tell anyone.
Already tried that, rando chick.
You can't handle the truth.
Try me again.
Dude, we dated for like four months.
It's not like he was the love of my life, all right?
I'm not wearing a locket full of his semen.
I was just trying to help you out, you know?
Do the woman to woman thing.
What... What the hell is that, anyway?
The "woman to woman thing"? We all lock vaginas
and morph into a giant man-eating Transformer?
Okay, I'm still gonna do this,
but now it's just to rub reality
all over your stupid little face.
What? Hey, we don't need to
- drag anybody else... - Jules, get over here.
What's up? Hey. I'm...
No, not "hey." She's dreadful.
What comes to mind when I say the name Andy Cutler?
Oh. I get it.
You're the reigning Miss Forever and Ever.
Has he swept you away to Crystal Cove yet?
Crystal Cove?
He's got a line on a beach cabin.
Roaring fireplace, crashing waves, et cetera.
If that dude's accumulated one full day as a single man
in his adult life, I'd be surprised.
It's all about the beginnings.
Seduction, courtship.
That magic time before asking for a 10-minute foot massage
becomes a prolonged negotiation.
When you stare deep into each other's souls
and eat your way through Twizzlers to each other's mouths
and make up embarrassingly cute names
and none of this makes you want to vomit in his face.
Oh, oh, hey.
Has he said "I see you" yet?
You know, like with your full name, whatever it is.
Nina Martone.
I see you, Nina Martone.
Hello?
Still in there, crazy girl?
We did a good thing here today.
Truth.
- Whoa! - Yahtzee!
Boo-yah, motherfuckers!
"Boo-yah, motherfuckers!"
Love it! You are a crack-up!
You love it? She's a crack-up?
I'm 30-whatever and I still say "fudge" around you.
Come on, Em. Motherfudgers, kind of gross,
- don't you think? - Don't be jealous, pumpkin.
Yeah. You're one to talk.
What's that?
Well, Trakarsky here said, "Don't be jealous,"
- and then... - Let's dance.
I bet you can saw a carpet, huh, Hal?
He sure can.
You sure? I was hoping it was
a genetic defect of some kind.
Let's do this thing!
Yeah, let's... let's not.
Let's not do it.
Remember the doc... Yo!
The doctor said that Izzy shouldn't be jumping around.
Nope. Never happened.
He or she never said that.
He or she?
How can you not know the gender of your doctor?
Jack, do you remember?
Um, Dr. Well..er... stein saying that?
Jack.
He...
Remember?
He... I do recall him saying that, yeah.
Some sort of dance restriction,
like in "Footloose."
And I just recalled that you're a dick, so...
You know, you three seem so familiar.
Is it usual for a couple to get so close to their surrogate?
You're the ones who seem smitten with her.
Um, oh, I just remembered, uh,
Dr. Wellerstein said Jack has unusually fragile sperm,
so I'm supposed to move as little as possible
or they could, you know, die.
Fragile sperm?
Jack has fragile sperm?
Yes, apparently that's a thing.
Okay, well, since I can't drink or dance
or make anyone like me,
I'm just gonna go ahead and take a nap
for the next nine months.
Thanks for making this afternoon so much fun, Isabelle.
Dad, seriously?
This has been fun, I think.
More Yahtzee?
You've reached Izzy's voice-mail.
Now text like everybody else.
God damn it, Iz, answer your fucking phone.
I want to hunt and slay and doing it alone just screams
"My self-esteem issues, your soundproof basement.
Let's do this thing."
Okay, call me.
Oh, let's, uh... let's get some clothes on you.
Back it up, Twinkles.
Twinkles?
I'm not buying your shit anymore. No.
Which it turns out you do have after all,
and it's some super fucking weird shit.
I'm not sure what Michelle told you...
Actually, it's Michelle
and Jules and Laynie
and Crystal fucking Cove.
Oh.
Yeah. "Oh."
Just how many hearts have you carved into trees, you
freaky little love poodle?
I'm a romantic.
Well, guess what.
I see you, Andy Cutler.
Wait.
Nina.
Nin.
Keep walking, asshole.
So, on the off chance
we're thinking the same thing...
Go for it.
What if this whole
surrogacy ruse was real?
What if Izzy is our missing piece
in more ways than one?
Apparently we weren't thinking the same thing.
I was thinking about killing a tub of caramel ice cream.
Shit.
- Um. - Yeah.
Sorry. Never mind.
I don't even know why...
'Cause you want a family.
'Cause I want a family?
Don't we want a family?
No, of course we do.
So does Izzy.
Right.
So, I mean,
imagine that's the three of us together
making a baby.
Nobody gets left out.
We're all a part of him or her, right?
What are you guys talking about?
Oh.
Something... Something serious?
- No. Not... Nothing serious. - No.
Just, like, you know...
- Yahtzee. - ... the day.
- Mundane stuff. - Yeah.
You both are alarmingly weak liars,
so we'll just put a pin in that and I'll go first.
I used my humiliating time-out
to do some deep thinking,
and here's what I came to.
Like you said, this is your home.
Emma and Jack's home.
But it'll never be mine,
and it's not just because of the poop candles
or being surrounded by your friends
who will always be secretly waiting
for me to pack up and move on
so you guys can go back to the way things were.
What are you saying?
I'm...
I'm saying that I want to live in our home.
Not yours.
Okay, now it's your turn.
And tell me what you were actually talking about.
But fair warning, if you guys break up with me again,
I'm gonna use those shit candles of yours
to burn down this entire neighborhood.
We want you to have our baby.
Like, our baby. All three of us.
For real.
What?
Are you okay?
Huh?
Sorry.
I think I blacked out a little.
He literally brought that up like 30 seconds before you came in.
I don't know how serious he is.
- How serious are you? - I mean, what's the other option?
To bring in a fourth person into our relationship?
You, me, her, and a baby vessel.
Are we talking, like, a year from now or...
No.
I mean, 40's gonna happen like that, you know,
and as long as we're laying our cards on the table, Em,
I want children, plural.
I don't want to be one of those dads
that's breaking a hip playing Horse
with his youngest son in the driveway.
You sound serious.
I think I am.
Feels like my heart is gonna explode out of my body.
It kind of feels like...
like we're supposed to do this together.
- No? - I know.
Yeah, but, um...
you're a grad student in your mid-20s,
and you've recently equated the suburbs with human feces.
Well, there's no law that says every child
has to be raised within a half-mile of a Chili's
or a World Market.
Wait, so now we're talking about having a baby
and putting the house on the market?
I mean, God, does no one think we should just, like,
hit the brakes just a little?
Is there any chance the two of you can save
all the chitty chatty until after...
Mom.
Oh, fudge me.
Mom, don't jump to any conclusions.
Okay, let's just agree I've been sleepwalking here,
and I'm just gonna wander off
and do something sleepwalky like pee in a corner or...
Did somebody call a meeting and forget to... Ooh.
What's your baby mama doing in bed with you?
I had a nightmare.
Yeah. Emotionally, she's like an 8-year-old.
Physically, she's fine. I mean, her reproductive system
is top notch, but...
Jack.
I'm done with the secrets.
Well, it's about time.
Mom, Dad.
I'm a conceptionally challenged bisexual.
Boom. There. Are you happy now?
I like boys and girls,
specifically this girl and this boy.
That's right.
Yeah.
Um... actually, the three of us
were just talking about starting a family.
I thought you already were starting a family.
Keep up, Harold.
That was all a big scam.
What? Wait. What, they're not, uh...
They...
Harold, are you...
Oh, Jesus. Ohh.
Dad? Dad?
Breathe. Breathe.
Look at me.
911. What's your emergency?
Hello? Um, hi. I think...
I think I just gave my father a heart attack.
synced by peritta - corrected by chamallow www.addic7ed.com