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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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So, this is happening.
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- Yeah, yeah. Izzy took Molly, and...
- It's awesome.
4
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So now aphrodisiacs are
part of Chicks Night?
5
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That's right. Come on.
6
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I just finished telling someone
that I was the complication.
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- What someone?
- Ruby.
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Fuck this.
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What the hell happened to you?
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I've been staying at my brother's place.
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Okay, this is unsettling.
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Hi.
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There's a perfect shit storm brewing.
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So, please, I'm asking
you to come back with me.
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I'm gonna ask you again.
Is that what Emma wants?
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'Cause I haven't heard from her.
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If you and the professor
chick had stayed together,
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you would have three
kids and be the dean
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of Hamilton High School right now,
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instead of smoking away your
hangover with your nephew.
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The dean is interested in hearing
your student-services pitch.
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Maybe I can thank you for real by
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taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.
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Are you asking me on a date?
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Clomid time.
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You must really want a kid.
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I must.
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Yay. Right?
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Were you hoping for something different?
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Not when I bought them.
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I am more profoundly fucked
in the head than I thought.
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[♪]
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- Cool, right?
- Mm.
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Yeah, cool.
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But, um, in a very
specific way, you know?
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Can't... can't quite
put my finger on it.
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Mm. Kind of a chick's place.
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- Is that what you mean?
- Mm.
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I'd say more of a
chicks-with-chicks place.
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Oh, like you and me.
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Yes. Exactly like you and me.
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If we were a couple of lesbians
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like everyone else in the place.
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You think? Eh, I don't know. Maybe.
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Probably. So, it's
popular with lesbians.
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Actually, if you Yelp it... which,
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you know, I did, and
I bet you did, too...
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it doesn't say "Kombucha
bar popular with lesbians."
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It says "Lesbian kombucha bar."
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My review will say,
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"One Tegan and Sara song away
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from being the most
lesbian place on Earth."
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Like a lesbian epicenter.
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Which I guess would be a vagina.
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Face it, Carm. This
room is a giant vagina.
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What are you up to?
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- Up to?
- Mm-hmm.
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- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Carmen.
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Fine. This is... this is me being...
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You know, cool with it.
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Yeah, but this... this place
isn't polyamorous or bisexual.
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It's, like, clearly for avowed lesbians.
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Well, there weren't any bisexual
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or polyamorous lunch places on Yelp.
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Cut me some slack. I'm making an effort.
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That's true. Thank you.
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Izzy's not gay-gay.
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I know that for sure.
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Wait a second, but you're
not for sure about you?
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Is that what you're saying?
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It took a decade of
heteronormative marriage
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and one sex fairy to figure out
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that you're, like, gay-gay?
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If I did that to Jack...
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He wants a family.
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He always has.
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So does Izzy, as it turns out.
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And you... do...
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Too?
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I'm so fucking scared, Carm.
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I feel like...
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I feel like I've just been, you know,
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drifting along and playing along.
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And then this alarm went off,
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and I woke up in the middle of my life.
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I have no fucking clue who I am or...
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or what I want, like,
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sexually, professionally...
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or reproductively.
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Damn.
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Wow. You're gonna give
me a nervous breakdown.
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You think I'm having
a nervous breakdown?
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You think that I'm so
confused and guilt ridden
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that I'm driving myself over the edge?
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- Ah, you've wedged a lot of zany...
- [Mobile ringing]
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Hairpin life turns into a
very short period of time.
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- Maybe you're just dizzy.
- Ugh, fuck.
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My mom.
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Oh. Moms, man.
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She senses you've been a bad girl.
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Bet you get grounded.
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- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie. It's your mother.
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- Man: I'm on the phone, too.
- Oh, hey, Dad.
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Oh, you guys figured out
speaker phone. Awesome.
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Mother: ... gonna be in
your neck of the woods...
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... weekend together.
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Yeah. Yeah, no.
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No, that sounds... that sounds fun.
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Father: Great! Then
we'll be there Friday.
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- Yes. Stupendous.
- Mother: We might not...
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- "Stupendous."
- ... we'll give it a try.
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Okay. Cool. Yeah, just
call me when you're close.
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- Okay. Love you.
- Byzie-byzie.
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Okay. Love you too.
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Byzie-byzie.
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Fuck me.
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- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
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Em?
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Oh, God damn it.
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Just grab a seat.
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- All right.
- Oh, my God.
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- Deep breaths.
- Okay, too mu... way too mu...
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- Overload. Overload.
- Oh, okay.
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You don't want that.
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- Okay.
- My parents are coming to visit.
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In an R.V. that gets, like,
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five miles to the gallon, because...
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Because fuck the environment.
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Global warming's just a
conspiracy by "Big Green".
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Oh, fuck me!
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Yeah. Just dumped her.
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Not taking it well.
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[♪]
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It's about time you got a job.
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Good morning. Very funny.
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Could you possibly take a break
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- so that maybe we could talk?
- Neen, this place is a mess.
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Apartments don't clean themselves.
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Okay.
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- No...
- First, this place isn't a mess.
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That's you. Again.
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And second, you don't live here.
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Well, I paid my share
of the rent this month,
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- so technically I do.
- Wait, wait.
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Why... why am I fighting this?
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By all means, drop by
and play cleaning lady
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- whenever you flip your shit.
- Thank you.
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There's also 10 pounds of dust.
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- I ran out of spray.
- Unh.
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That explains why I dreamt
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that I was living in a giant lemon.
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It's not like you were
scheming a baby trap, Iz.
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For a hot second, you thought you
might be pregnant, and you weren't.
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You might want to react to that
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in some emotionally facile way
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like a lot of other chicks would.
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But you're not a lot of other chicks.
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- You're you.
- All fucking day long.
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What else?
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Um...
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Feels like this whole thing
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just might crumble down, and
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I'm gonna be dragging the rubble
behind me for the rest of my life.
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Hey.
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That's not fair.
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If it falls apart, the
screws were already loose.
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Yeah, I probably should have remembered
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that the suburbs make my skin crawl
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before I dove into
throuple cohabitation.
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Okay. Back to the baby
that you aren't having.
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Maybe you thought it
could be the magnet that,
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you know, just, like, pulled
everything back together?
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That sounds so weird and desperate
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and not at all who I want to be.
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Way down deep inside, we
are all weird and desperate.
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[♪]
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I love you so much.
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Me too.
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Are you still dead-solid certain
that you're in love with them?
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Yeah, I am.
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You can do the toilets next.
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Thanks.
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[♪]
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Study after study has shown issues
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ranging from body dysmorphia
to anxiety all improve
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dramatically through counseling.
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Through talk therapy.
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That's why so many
colleges across the country
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are investing in wellness centers.
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And that's just a fancy
term for a one-stop shop
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where adolescents can
get their shit together,
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to be honest.
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So that's what I am proposing here
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is a Griffin College Wellness Center,
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addressed and tailored to
the needs of your students.
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So, thank you.
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I appreciate you listening.
198
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What is it about a guy
at the front of the room?
199
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Doesn't even require a guitar
or ass-less chaps anymore.
200
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Think they noticed me
intermittently peeing myself?
201
00:08:14,238 --> 00:08:16,378
No. No. I did,
202
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:18,804
but I was already looking
in that general vicinity.
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[Laughs]
204
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God, I have no idea why I said that.
205
00:08:23,141 --> 00:08:25,197
That was wildly inappropriate.
206
00:08:26,515 --> 00:08:28,061
Ruby...
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00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,452
Great, now I freaked you out.
208
00:08:31,813 --> 00:08:33,147
No.
209
00:08:33,149 --> 00:08:35,563
Well, you know what, Jack?
210
00:08:35,826 --> 00:08:38,362
I get nervous around you.
211
00:08:38,542 --> 00:08:40,003
And I like it.
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00:08:40,928 --> 00:08:42,707
You give me butterflies right here.
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00:08:43,872 --> 00:08:46,401
Wow. I am kind of wishing
214
00:08:46,402 --> 00:08:47,885
I hadn't say all that. But fuck it.
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00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:50,034
You were gonna figure
it out soon enough.
216
00:08:51,583 --> 00:08:53,548
I... I totally understand
if you want to bail
217
00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:55,935
on our totally platonic,
celebratory dinner.
218
00:08:57,181 --> 00:08:59,843
Emma and I brought another
woman into our relationship.
219
00:09:00,822 --> 00:09:01,822
Bam.
220
00:09:02,297 --> 00:09:03,764
Now she's in our home.
221
00:09:06,822 --> 00:09:08,958
- I did not see that coming.
- I know.
222
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,404
Neither did we. But it happened, and...
223
00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:13,605
We were sleepwalking, you know?
224
00:09:13,607 --> 00:09:16,203
And we brought this
other woman in, easy,
225
00:09:16,529 --> 00:09:18,005
and she woke us up.
226
00:09:19,847 --> 00:09:23,183
So now we're taking a long,
hard look at our lives,
227
00:09:23,361 --> 00:09:25,283
for better or for worse, and...
228
00:09:26,402 --> 00:09:27,887
I don't know what's gonna happen next.
229
00:09:27,888 --> 00:09:29,417
But, um,
230
00:09:29,419 --> 00:09:31,754
for now, maybe you and I are just...
231
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,768
friends with butterflies.
232
00:09:38,963 --> 00:09:41,897
So, I'll see you tonight for
our definitely-not-a-date?
233
00:09:42,953 --> 00:09:44,860
Absolutely.
234
00:09:45,035 --> 00:09:46,953
[Chuckles] Okay.
235
00:09:47,497 --> 00:09:51,566
♪ She said, she said, watch out ♪
236
00:09:51,568 --> 00:09:54,638
♪ I'm gonna make you moan ♪
237
00:09:57,987 --> 00:10:00,278
♪ Watchin', watchin' ♪
238
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,788
Wow. That's just a whole lot of wow.
239
00:10:03,172 --> 00:10:05,692
Thanks so much, Kylie. I don't...
I don't even know what to say.
240
00:10:06,175 --> 00:10:07,643
Yeah, I miss you, too.
241
00:10:07,645 --> 00:10:08,877
Okay.
242
00:10:09,115 --> 00:10:10,198
Bye.
243
00:10:10,315 --> 00:10:11,384
Hey.
244
00:10:11,386 --> 00:10:15,123
I, uh... I have something for you.
245
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:17,498
Dear God, what is that?
246
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,474
CCK cleanse. Remember?
247
00:10:19,476 --> 00:10:20,579
You asked me to "hold you to it"?
248
00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:21,648
I did.
249
00:10:21,650 --> 00:10:25,335
CCK stands for cabbage,
cayenne, and kale.
250
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,721
And it's disgusting.
251
00:10:26,807 --> 00:10:28,042
Mm.
252
00:10:28,573 --> 00:10:30,096
That's legally poison.
253
00:10:30,098 --> 00:10:31,753
Told ya. It's good for you.
254
00:10:31,755 --> 00:10:33,831
So, what did Kylie say to give you
255
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:37,275
the glossy-eyed phone-gasm
that's happening?
256
00:10:37,277 --> 00:10:39,005
Apparently, um,
257
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,406
everyone at Pinnacle
is "buzzing" about me.
258
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,810
- What?
- I'm buzzworthy.
259
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:46,211
That's amazing, Em.
260
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,547
Good for you.
261
00:10:47,548 --> 00:10:49,415
It is such a prestigious firm.
262
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,847
They have so many cool
projects with real budgets,
263
00:10:51,849 --> 00:10:53,005
do amazing things.
264
00:10:53,404 --> 00:10:56,207
They take shits bigger
than Shepherd Monro.
265
00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,568
So...
266
00:11:00,039 --> 00:11:01,640
Just so we're on the same page,
267
00:11:01,642 --> 00:11:04,480
are you still just crazy flattered,
268
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:08,253
or have you crossed into
seriously considering this?
269
00:11:10,008 --> 00:11:11,485
I... I don't know.
270
00:11:13,581 --> 00:11:15,583
Uh...
271
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,849
Have you talked to Jack?
272
00:11:18,527 --> 00:11:20,365
Excuse me?
273
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,788
I'll talk to Jack
when he comes back home
274
00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:25,970
and apologizes to both of us.
275
00:11:26,929 --> 00:11:28,797
- Remember?
- Yeah...
276
00:11:28,799 --> 00:11:31,311
Upon deeper reflection,
277
00:11:31,546 --> 00:11:32,778
is that really fair?
278
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,195
Is it fair?
279
00:11:34,983 --> 00:11:36,772
Are you fucking kidding me?
280
00:11:37,652 --> 00:11:40,055
He told half the town I'm gay.
281
00:11:40,057 --> 00:11:42,759
He had an emotional affair
with his ex-girlfriend.
282
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,605
He left us... both of us.
283
00:11:45,606 --> 00:11:47,019
Is it fucking fair?
284
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:51,145
Well, I'm pretty sure that
he sees things differently.
285
00:11:58,097 --> 00:11:59,439
You saw him.
286
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:02,170
No.
287
00:12:02,831 --> 00:12:03,905
Deny it.
288
00:12:05,097 --> 00:12:06,491
I just did.
289
00:12:06,670 --> 00:12:09,473
Well, then, what, do you speculate,
290
00:12:09,630 --> 00:12:11,310
would be his different take on things?
291
00:12:11,312 --> 00:12:13,060
- Off the top of my head?
- Mm-hmm.
292
00:12:13,062 --> 00:12:17,015
Maybe he'd say that
we're less a throuple.
293
00:12:17,017 --> 00:12:19,581
And more a lesbian couple
with a dude hovering
294
00:12:19,583 --> 00:12:22,454
around the perimeter not taking a hint.
295
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,577
Hmm. But that's...
296
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,209
that's pure speculation.
297
00:12:26,211 --> 00:12:28,407
Jesus, just blink already.
298
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,604
It doesn't mean that you lost.
299
00:12:30,772 --> 00:12:32,717
This isn't a fucking game, Emma.
300
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:34,589
Okay. Izzy, I'm sorry.
301
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,688
At least I care.
302
00:12:36,865 --> 00:12:38,369
Hey, I care.
303
00:12:38,923 --> 00:12:40,364
I care.
304
00:12:41,702 --> 00:12:43,109
I care.
305
00:12:51,012 --> 00:12:52,524
Don't be mad, okay?
306
00:12:56,508 --> 00:12:58,110
I did see Jack.
307
00:12:58,112 --> 00:13:00,758
Well, yeah. You're a terrible liar.
308
00:13:01,518 --> 00:13:03,347
I get that a lot.
309
00:13:03,912 --> 00:13:05,982
I tried to convince him to come back.
310
00:13:06,544 --> 00:13:08,482
Clearly it didn't work,
which is humiliating.
311
00:13:08,484 --> 00:13:10,756
And now I'm afraid that you're
both gonna leave me alone
312
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:13,257
with lots of spare time to hate myself.
313
00:13:14,942 --> 00:13:16,764
You went to go get him,
314
00:13:16,766 --> 00:13:18,695
bring him home, and he...
315
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,501
... he refused?
316
00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:29,636
This one an orange?
317
00:13:29,638 --> 00:13:31,540
She's got a real eye.
I'm noticing she likes...
318
00:13:31,542 --> 00:13:33,219
I don't think he's
ever coming home, Carm.
319
00:13:33,221 --> 00:13:34,886
Like, ever.
320
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,330
- Okay, uh...
- Where the fuck is your wine?
321
00:13:38,332 --> 00:13:39,852
It's ju... it's on the
counter. Right there.
322
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:42,266
Hon, why don't you take the
kids up to bed now, okay?
323
00:13:42,268 --> 00:13:44,163
- Oh. Hi.
- Yeah, okay.
324
00:13:44,165 --> 00:13:45,727
They just had a nap a half hour ago,
325
00:13:45,729 --> 00:13:48,127
but, sure, kids are stupid, right?
326
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,251
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
327
00:13:50,253 --> 00:13:51,729
Come on, baby. Grab
your crayons. Come on.
328
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:53,526
- Why don't I take a book with me? Come on.
- She's got a headstart.
329
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,252
Here we go. Yeah, she's way ahead of me.
330
00:13:55,286 --> 00:13:56,409
Won that race.
331
00:13:56,772 --> 00:13:58,107
Days of thunder.
332
00:13:58,109 --> 00:13:59,541
- Good night.
- Okay.
333
00:13:59,543 --> 00:14:02,346
He hasn't called or texted, and...
334
00:14:02,348 --> 00:14:04,828
and he wouldn't come home even
when Izzy went to go get him.
335
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,612
I think it's over, Carm.
Like... like for real.
336
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,749
I think we're done. We're done.
337
00:14:09,751 --> 00:14:11,833
Why wasn't it you going
to Gabe's house, Em?
338
00:14:11,936 --> 00:14:13,801
Because I wasn't the one who left!
339
00:14:14,177 --> 00:14:16,162
- Have you tried calling him?
- Oh, my God.
340
00:14:16,164 --> 00:14:17,693
You sound like Izzy. Okay.
341
00:14:18,268 --> 00:14:21,894
Once more, I am not the one
who had the emotional affair.
342
00:14:21,896 --> 00:14:24,427
- I am not the one who...
- Hey, I know I'm probably, uh,
343
00:14:24,429 --> 00:14:26,130
risking some peril wading in here,
344
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,826
but, um, I just got to ask one question.
345
00:14:28,828 --> 00:14:31,328
What the fuck is wrong
with you Trakarskys?
346
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,112
Whoa. Okay. There's the peril.
347
00:14:34,114 --> 00:14:35,143
I see it. I'm out.
348
00:14:35,145 --> 00:14:37,799
Let me put it a little more delicately.
349
00:14:38,595 --> 00:14:40,864
What the fuck is wrong
with you Trakarskys?
350
00:14:43,871 --> 00:14:45,535
Izzy and I had a firm agreement
351
00:14:45,537 --> 00:14:47,739
that Jack has to come
crawling back on his hands
352
00:14:47,741 --> 00:14:49,585
and knees and grovel for forgiveness.
353
00:14:50,355 --> 00:14:52,473
Is that followed by
the ritual castration,
354
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,940
head shaving, and walk of shame?
355
00:14:55,914 --> 00:14:58,646
You might want to consider
morable terms for his surrender.
356
00:14:58,729 --> 00:15:01,353
You know, unless you're crafting
a self-fulfilling prophecy.
357
00:15:01,528 --> 00:15:03,307
You know, to me, it sounds like
358
00:15:03,309 --> 00:15:04,730
the sex fairy is the only one
359
00:15:04,732 --> 00:15:05,920
really trying to keep
this whole thing together.
360
00:15:05,921 --> 00:15:07,881
You know what, just back
the fuck off, Dave, okay?
361
00:15:08,253 --> 00:15:09,456
Geez.
362
00:15:09,937 --> 00:15:11,805
I'm sorry.
363
00:15:11,807 --> 00:15:13,526
I didn't feel it coming.
I just kind of heard it
364
00:15:13,527 --> 00:15:14,730
at the same time as you guys.
365
00:15:14,732 --> 00:15:16,650
- Okay.
- Hey, hon?
366
00:15:16,652 --> 00:15:18,788
How 'bout you go upstairs
now, huh? Like all the way?
367
00:15:19,224 --> 00:15:20,959
What, are you sending me to my room?
368
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,704
Why don't you call
Weird Janis and her lover
369
00:15:23,706 --> 00:15:25,393
and find out the appropriate attire
370
00:15:25,395 --> 00:15:26,918
for this cleansing ceremony?
371
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,278
Or hors d'Ã
"uvres and eagle release.
372
00:15:28,279 --> 00:15:30,014
Whatever it is. Go.
373
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:31,751
Okay, fine.
374
00:15:31,753 --> 00:15:34,344
Mom. Ugh!
375
00:15:34,345 --> 00:15:35,978
Oh and if it has anything
to do with my butt,
376
00:15:35,979 --> 00:15:37,282
it's a hard pass!
377
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:39,286
I'll give you a hard pass!
378
00:15:39,288 --> 00:15:41,423
Um... What was I talking about?
379
00:15:41,425 --> 00:15:42,931
Okay, you do realize that you can't
380
00:15:42,933 --> 00:15:44,364
just say "Weird Janis and her lover"
381
00:15:44,365 --> 00:15:45,995
and then jump back in
conversation, right?
382
00:15:45,996 --> 00:15:47,435
Oh, it's some freaky
chick at his agency.
383
00:15:47,436 --> 00:15:48,497
She's been trying to get us
384
00:15:48,498 --> 00:15:49,834
to go up to her place
in the woods for years.
385
00:15:49,835 --> 00:15:51,473
We're finally going tomorrow night,
386
00:15:51,475 --> 00:15:54,233
and I have this irrational fear we'll
spend the rest of our lives as captives
387
00:15:54,234 --> 00:15:55,973
tending to our marijuana
and radish gardens.
388
00:15:55,975 --> 00:15:58,138
So, what's the plan with Hal and Rita?
389
00:15:58,996 --> 00:16:00,357
Oh, shit.
390
00:16:00,529 --> 00:16:02,330
Oh, shit. My parents tomorrow.
391
00:16:02,332 --> 00:16:03,697
Oh, my God.
392
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,648
Oh, I think I've been
suppressing that whole thing
393
00:16:06,650 --> 00:16:09,023
so my head doesn't
spontaneously explode.
394
00:16:09,713 --> 00:16:10,911
Oh, fuck.
395
00:16:10,913 --> 00:16:13,314
But you do have a plan, right?
396
00:16:13,410 --> 00:16:15,456
Because they may be old,
but they're gonna notice
397
00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:17,867
if there's a chick sleeping
where Jack's supposed to be.
398
00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:19,148
I tried to go upstairs. I really did.
399
00:16:19,149 --> 00:16:20,883
But your situation is so...
400
00:16:20,884 --> 00:16:22,263
compelling and fucked up,
401
00:16:22,265 --> 00:16:24,309
that I physically couldn't stay away.
402
00:16:24,311 --> 00:16:26,834
You need to call your
husband, Mrs. Trakarsky,
403
00:16:26,836 --> 00:16:29,112
and you need to tell him to
get his ass back to your house
404
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,561
so he can help you hoodwink
your hyper-conservative parents.
405
00:16:31,562 --> 00:16:33,353
And then you need to get this sex fairy
406
00:16:33,355 --> 00:16:35,257
the fuck out of Dodge for a few days.
407
00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:37,966
Okay, there is no
version of this universe
408
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:39,913
in which I call Jack
and ask for his help.
409
00:16:39,914 --> 00:16:41,218
- No fucking way.
- Okay, fine.
410
00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:42,515
- Then Dave will just go get him.
- Yeah.
411
00:16:42,516 --> 00:16:44,118
Then I will just have
to go... wh... what?
412
00:16:44,293 --> 00:16:45,761
Don't make me get the fly swatter.
413
00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:47,529
- Up.
- Honey...
414
00:16:48,245 --> 00:16:49,672
Why would you get... ?
415
00:16:50,114 --> 00:16:52,115
You know what, I don't
even want to know,
416
00:16:52,116 --> 00:16:54,517
'cause there is no room in here.
417
00:16:54,518 --> 00:16:56,358
All right.
418
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,387
So...
419
00:16:58,388 --> 00:16:59,989
This is what we've got to work with.
420
00:16:59,990 --> 00:17:01,543
This is what we have to work with, yes.
421
00:17:01,544 --> 00:17:03,592
- You guys are not helping.
- What's the venue?
422
00:17:03,594 --> 00:17:05,302
It's an Italian place she picked out.
423
00:17:05,304 --> 00:17:07,280
It's called, uh, "Ask For Luigi"?
424
00:17:07,282 --> 00:17:10,085
Ooh! No, that's definitely
a date restaurant.
425
00:17:10,087 --> 00:17:11,803
Mm. Pretty much every
chick that goes there
426
00:17:11,805 --> 00:17:13,127
comes out with a baby bump and a ring.
427
00:17:13,128 --> 00:17:14,463
That's not what's happening here.
428
00:17:14,465 --> 00:17:16,404
You do know anxiety
restricts your blood flow?
429
00:17:16,406 --> 00:17:17,874
I'm sure Gabe here can
hook you up with some
430
00:17:17,875 --> 00:17:20,217
of his extra-strength
Viagra for chronic impotence.
431
00:17:20,219 --> 00:17:21,764
Oh, please, you waifish preemie.
432
00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:23,787
Everyone knows that the
active ingredient in Viagra
433
00:17:23,789 --> 00:17:26,321
is my superhuman
testosterone. It's magic.
434
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,574
Did you actually just call
your son a "waifish preemie"?
435
00:17:28,575 --> 00:17:30,843
Don't worry, I hear
like 4% of what he says.
436
00:17:30,844 --> 00:17:33,780
Everything else just sounds like a
dying water buffalo stuck in a tar pit.
437
00:17:33,781 --> 00:17:35,515
Please tell me that's the reject pile.
438
00:17:35,516 --> 00:17:36,873
Okay, you know what? That's it.
439
00:17:36,875 --> 00:17:38,451
- I don't need this.
- No, no, no.
440
00:17:38,452 --> 00:17:40,720
I may be a jock, but I knows ma clothes.
441
00:17:40,721 --> 00:17:43,265
Okay, Gabriel, I need you to get me
that thrift-store plaid sports jacket.
442
00:17:43,266 --> 00:17:45,718
And, Dad, I need you to get
me the only cool tie you own,
443
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:46,936
the one that you think is too skinny.
444
00:17:46,937 --> 00:17:49,304
Oh, and grab your tie clip. Go!
445
00:17:50,998 --> 00:17:52,732
- Jack?
- Yes?
446
00:17:52,733 --> 00:17:54,806
You know that rambly
fast-talk thing you do?
447
00:17:55,387 --> 00:17:56,437
Yeah, it's pretty charming...
448
00:17:56,438 --> 00:17:58,262
No, it's annoying as shit. Don't do it.
449
00:17:58,264 --> 00:17:59,470
I don't think that's the consensus.
450
00:17:59,471 --> 00:18:01,606
Both: Uh, yeah, it is.
451
00:18:01,855 --> 00:18:03,588
Yeah, I got to go with
the girls on this on.
452
00:18:03,677 --> 00:18:05,945
You just talk sparingly, and
you never break eye contact.
453
00:18:05,946 --> 00:18:07,947
Like dragon eyes. Zzzz.
454
00:18:07,948 --> 00:18:10,482
Uh, conversely, that sounds a bit rape-y.
455
00:18:10,484 --> 00:18:11,926
Worked on you.
456
00:18:14,221 --> 00:18:15,555
Uncle Jack, you okay?
457
00:18:15,556 --> 00:18:18,491
You know what, I don't even do
458
00:18:18,492 --> 00:18:20,565
the rambly thing anymore, okay?
459
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,279
And, sorry, but I'm gonna
wear whatever the fuck I want.
460
00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:27,349
- Is that the jacket?
- Yeah.
461
00:18:28,235 --> 00:18:29,702
It's lovely. Can I...
462
00:18:29,703 --> 00:18:30,835
Yeah.
463
00:18:31,117 --> 00:18:33,085
[♪]
464
00:18:47,086 --> 00:18:48,153
It's pretty great.
465
00:18:55,591 --> 00:18:57,137
Sketch much?
466
00:18:57,731 --> 00:18:59,164
You stalking me now?
467
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:02,089
I'm grounded.
468
00:19:02,091 --> 00:19:04,402
If I have to watch one more
reality show about drunk,
469
00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:06,044
forty-something rich chicks,
470
00:19:06,046 --> 00:19:07,957
I'll will myself to
have a deadly aneurysm.
471
00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:11,234
Aw, that's super sad.
Now go the fuck away.
472
00:19:12,592 --> 00:19:15,128
So, why are you hiding out
like a teenager to smoke weed?
473
00:19:15,130 --> 00:19:17,174
Well, I was enjoying the solitude.
474
00:19:17,176 --> 00:19:20,779
- You're hiding.
- I'm taking some me time.
475
00:19:20,781 --> 00:19:22,003
In a shed?
476
00:19:23,090 --> 00:19:24,238
Fine.
477
00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:26,958
Emma has me on a torture cleanse.
478
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,693
Says I smoke too much pot,
479
00:19:28,695 --> 00:19:31,421
which, given my
thrice-a-day habit, is...
480
00:19:33,118 --> 00:19:34,446
... an objective fact.
481
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:35,729
But at this point,
482
00:19:35,731 --> 00:19:37,903
I don't think I can last
another second in suburgatory
483
00:19:37,905 --> 00:19:39,505
without the help of marijuana.
484
00:19:39,506 --> 00:19:41,935
- Are you happy now?
- We have a lot in common.
485
00:19:42,152 --> 00:19:43,287
No.
486
00:19:43,754 --> 00:19:45,167
[Clears throat]
487
00:19:46,540 --> 00:19:48,269
So?
488
00:19:49,092 --> 00:19:50,560
Let's do this thing.
489
00:19:50,562 --> 00:19:51,897
Ava, I'm not getting you high.
490
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,785
Well, if you don't share, I'll tell Emma
491
00:19:53,787 --> 00:19:55,656
that you were sneaking out back to...
492
00:19:58,521 --> 00:20:00,390
No. Stop.
493
00:20:00,392 --> 00:20:02,272
Don't do that anymore.
494
00:20:02,274 --> 00:20:03,969
I'm not Lori.
495
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:05,618
Who are you talking to?
496
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:08,022
Come on. Please.
497
00:20:09,388 --> 00:20:12,224
Just... just this once?
I swear I won't tell.
498
00:20:24,084 --> 00:20:25,729
Just this once.
499
00:20:27,288 --> 00:20:29,291
Actually, you know what, this
feels like one of those sober,
500
00:20:29,292 --> 00:20:30,728
second-thought opportunities
501
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,486
that mark the end of
cerebral adolescence, so I...
502
00:20:41,451 --> 00:20:43,453
Let me be excruciatingly clear.
503
00:20:43,455 --> 00:20:44,902
If you tell Lori about this,
504
00:20:44,904 --> 00:20:46,826
- I will...
- You'll break my legs?
505
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,497
Eat my face and puke
in my exposed skull?
506
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,293
Yep. Legit would do all
those things, and worse.
507
00:21:03,559 --> 00:21:06,495
You know, this'll make you feel better.
508
00:21:06,629 --> 00:21:10,100
Apparently Jack got high
with his nephew Gabriel,
509
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,970
and he's just a freshman.
510
00:21:11,972 --> 00:21:13,241
How would you know that?
511
00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:15,867
Well, Gabriel told his sister Marina,
512
00:21:15,869 --> 00:21:17,736
who told Bailey Meyer, who told me,
513
00:21:17,738 --> 00:21:20,590
so I Facebooked Gabriel
and he says it's true.
514
00:21:21,498 --> 00:21:23,009
They're, like, best buds now.
515
00:21:23,234 --> 00:21:24,525
Jack tells him everything.
516
00:21:25,133 --> 00:21:26,250
Really?
517
00:21:27,231 --> 00:21:29,100
Like what?
518
00:21:29,102 --> 00:21:30,970
Give me something.
519
00:21:30,972 --> 00:21:34,042
You mean something like...
520
00:21:34,044 --> 00:21:36,664
Jack has a big, romantic dinner
521
00:21:36,666 --> 00:21:38,905
with an ex-girlfriend tonight?
522
00:21:38,999 --> 00:21:41,401
Hey! Not the weed!
523
00:21:41,403 --> 00:21:43,092
Just helping you with your cleanse.
524
00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:44,162
Unh!
525
00:21:47,038 --> 00:21:48,993
- Hey.
- Hi.
526
00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,444
What were you doing in the backyard?
527
00:21:51,638 --> 00:21:54,293
Um, I was taking a walk in the woods.
528
00:21:57,614 --> 00:21:59,349
Clear my head.
529
00:21:59,416 --> 00:22:00,885
To get high?
530
00:22:00,887 --> 00:22:03,023
Done with the cleanse already?
531
00:22:03,025 --> 00:22:05,027
I don't even have any.
532
00:22:05,252 --> 00:22:07,085
Well, good for you.
533
00:22:07,087 --> 00:22:08,503
Yep.
534
00:22:11,767 --> 00:22:13,345
Are you expecting someone?
535
00:22:14,054 --> 00:22:15,163
Not really.
536
00:22:24,528 --> 00:22:25,996
- Oh, hey, Dave.
- Hey.
537
00:22:25,998 --> 00:22:27,780
Who would never show up
at my house unannounced.
538
00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:30,216
- Hm.
- Unless he was on a mission.
539
00:22:30,218 --> 00:22:32,265
Probably under orders from his wife.
540
00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:34,427
It's nothing like that. I
was just in the neighborhood.
541
00:22:35,054 --> 00:22:36,791
Oh, yeah, it's gated. That's weird.
542
00:22:36,793 --> 00:22:39,462
- Who are you seeing?
- The Rutherfords.
543
00:22:39,562 --> 00:22:40,952
Todd and...
544
00:22:41,098 --> 00:22:42,390
Muffy?
545
00:22:43,249 --> 00:22:44,955
- Can I talk to Jack, please?
- No.
546
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,519
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, you heard me. No.
547
00:22:47,521 --> 00:22:48,621
Look, I know you're here to stop him
548
00:22:48,622 --> 00:22:49,948
from going on his date
549
00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:52,496
with an actual
heterosexual woman, so no.
550
00:22:52,498 --> 00:22:54,224
Jack has a date already?
551
00:22:54,357 --> 00:22:55,452
Yeah. He's not calling it that,
552
00:22:55,453 --> 00:22:57,055
but everybody else knows what it is.
553
00:22:57,634 --> 00:22:58,914
Okay, so you're just actively trying
554
00:22:58,915 --> 00:23:00,446
to break up Jack and Emma's marriage?
555
00:23:00,448 --> 00:23:03,251
Yeah, and you're here to
actively delay the inevitable.
556
00:23:03,253 --> 00:23:05,255
I just want to borrow him for a few days
557
00:23:05,257 --> 00:23:07,526
so they can play the happy
couple for Emma's parents.
558
00:23:07,528 --> 00:23:09,294
You know, it seems to me
that Emma's made her bed.
559
00:23:09,295 --> 00:23:11,709
Now she's got to sleep in
it. With a young, hot woman.
560
00:23:12,098 --> 00:23:13,453
In front of her horrified parents.
561
00:23:13,454 --> 00:23:14,489
What is your stake in this?
562
00:23:14,490 --> 00:23:15,809
Why won't you just let
me talk to my friend?
563
00:23:15,810 --> 00:23:17,012
'Cause I love my brother, okay?
564
00:23:17,013 --> 00:23:18,097
And she broke him.
565
00:23:18,099 --> 00:23:19,503
- Dave?
- Hey.
566
00:23:19,633 --> 00:23:21,102
What's going on? What
are you doing here?
567
00:23:21,103 --> 00:23:22,705
Emma's parents are coming to town.
568
00:23:22,707 --> 00:23:24,575
- What? When?
- Like, tomorrow.
569
00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:26,618
- Oh.
- You know what you have to do, right?
570
00:23:27,375 --> 00:23:29,248
You're the one who said that she learned
571
00:23:29,250 --> 00:23:31,085
how to re-ride that bike.
572
00:23:31,687 --> 00:23:33,218
- Is the bike a...
- It's a vagina.
573
00:23:33,220 --> 00:23:34,418
- Vagina.
- All right? Listen to me.
574
00:23:34,419 --> 00:23:35,870
If you go on this date tonight
575
00:23:35,872 --> 00:23:38,394
instead of going to help Emma
survive the next two days,
576
00:23:38,396 --> 00:23:40,307
when she knows that I
came here to get you...
577
00:23:41,366 --> 00:23:42,741
There's no turning back.
578
00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:44,727
That's it. It's over.
579
00:23:46,938 --> 00:23:50,193
[Man singing opera]
580
00:23:58,965 --> 00:24:00,433
Oh, no, no, no. I didn't...
581
00:24:00,434 --> 00:24:01,467
On me.
582
00:24:03,182 --> 00:24:05,184
May I make a suggestion?
583
00:24:05,372 --> 00:24:08,251
Don't show up 10 minutes
early like a complete dork?
584
00:24:08,842 --> 00:24:11,642
Knock that back and take
a walk around the block.
585
00:24:11,644 --> 00:24:13,139
I'll reset the table.
586
00:24:13,414 --> 00:24:15,121
Let him wait a little.
587
00:24:18,124 --> 00:24:19,988
I like the way you think.
588
00:24:44,632 --> 00:24:46,195
I still believe in this.
589
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:48,929
In the three of us.
590
00:24:49,702 --> 00:24:51,421
I know we've all made mistakes.
591
00:24:52,519 --> 00:24:54,121
A lot.
592
00:24:54,123 --> 00:24:55,357
A lot, a lot,
593
00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,027
over an insanely short period of time.
594
00:24:58,029 --> 00:24:59,076
But...
595
00:25:00,282 --> 00:25:02,237
We can fix this.
596
00:25:02,326 --> 00:25:04,283
We can put it back together.
597
00:25:05,010 --> 00:25:06,885
Doesn't seem like he wants to.
598
00:25:07,697 --> 00:25:09,161
What do you mean?
599
00:25:09,658 --> 00:25:12,482
Dave went to go get him
and bring him back home.
600
00:25:12,672 --> 00:25:15,504
Save me from my parents' scorn.
601
00:25:16,952 --> 00:25:18,802
But that's not looking good.
602
00:25:25,706 --> 00:25:27,409
What?
603
00:25:31,217 --> 00:25:33,067
I know who he's with.
604
00:25:45,082 --> 00:25:47,882
♪ Unh-unh, up in the hood ♪
605
00:25:47,884 --> 00:25:50,286
♪ I swear they look good,
we don't need to leave ♪
606
00:25:50,288 --> 00:25:52,325
♪ Got no one to please ♪
607
00:25:52,327 --> 00:25:53,929
Ruby.
608
00:25:53,931 --> 00:25:55,399
Hey.
609
00:25:55,401 --> 00:25:56,578
Hi.
610
00:25:56,580 --> 00:25:58,473
♪ I'll love you more
the lower we go ♪
611
00:25:58,475 --> 00:26:01,011
♪ Sixty below, feel it and flow ♪
612
00:26:01,013 --> 00:26:04,212
♪ The boom, the bust,
my heart beats small ♪
613
00:26:04,214 --> 00:26:07,284
♪ Heart, heart, heart, heart, heart ♪
614
00:26:07,286 --> 00:26:10,222
♪ We've gone down unafraid ♪
615
00:26:10,224 --> 00:26:12,360
♪ Going up and down on the floor ♪
616
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:17,968
♪ Up-down, up-down, up-down, up-down ♪
617
00:26:17,970 --> 00:26:20,831
♪ To burn and kick down that door ♪
618
00:26:20,833 --> 00:26:23,286
♪ Going deeper than ever before ♪
619
00:26:23,288 --> 00:26:28,893
♪ Up-down, up-down, up-down, up-down ♪
620
00:26:28,895 --> 00:26:34,101
♪ Go 'head, now, go 'head, now ♪
621
00:26:34,103 --> 00:26:39,833
♪ Go 'head now, and blow the bass ♪