It's so porn-y.
That's often the case with porn...
which is what happens when you Google "threesome."
Do guys actually want girls
to sit full weight on their face like that?
I just... I thought that was a figure of speech.
- How can he breathe? - It's not like he can see the chicks
making out or anything.
His face is... is... is totally covered.
- I think that's the point. - Oh, my God.
I never knew porn could be this sad
and funny at the same time.
Hmm. You know what?
Why don't we try to find some tips?
You know, like,
in Cosmo or Men's Health
or The Smoking Jacket or something.
Been doing some research?
Well,
I did some for... for me and Emma.
Ooh, here's a blog...
"Six Easy Steps to Your First Threesome."
Here we go.
"Number one: Don't overthink or overprepare.
There's no right or wrong. Just dive in."
Doesn't that void two through six?
It does. It does.
So we should just...
Whoo!
Okay, let's get this party started.
- No, don't do that. - We're gonna raise the roof
- in the bedroom! - Em, Em, don't do that.
What? Was that a joke, or are we...
- You were being serious? - Yes, that was for real.
You don't need to... You don't need to...
What? Okay.
So I guess there is a right or wrong.
Thanks.
But this thing... What's... What's...
That's turning me on. What's that?
Ah, this is her pout.
She does this when she wants to get her way.
See? Look at this.
That's the one. You just want to have sex with it.
I do. I do!
Okay, guys, I'm all pouted out.
It's not...
So, should we take a shower?
I don't know what's...
Mm, I do love showers.
And I... And I do love sex,
but maybe we should just keep those two things
separate for tonight.
S... so, what do we do?
Eeee-uh...
Kiss me.
Oh.
Me?
Yeah.
Do you want us...
Well, here we go.
Sorry, bud. You got to go.
But he's so cute.
Mm, he's also chronically flatulent.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
No.
Hey, I think we're dancing.
You think that's a good idea?
Don't think so much.
Just feel it.
Feel the music.
Okay.
This is after tequila.
So, um...
could you possibly maybe try just
getting a little looser?
Not so much shoulders and just, like, in the body.
Like... Like, you know... Like, have some rhythm.
- No. Why are you being so stiff with it? - I'm... I'm doin' it.
Yeah, Emma, there you go.
Oh, God.
You know what? Nope.
This... bad idea.
Let's just kibosh the dancing.
Well, in Jack's defense, he's danced like eight times
in the last 12 years, all of them at weddings, so...
Yeah, and you guys
have to swear to me and the universe
that you are never gonna dance again, okay?
Sorry. I... I didn't...
- It's wham! - Yeah.
- Wham! - Never mind.
Should we maybe try sitting?
- Start with sitting? - Yeah, yeah.
All right.
It's easier if we all sit on the same side or...
Yeah.
Oh, oh, I don't...
I don't... Can you move over?
Oh. Sorry.
Just a bit. Thanks.
I'll go in the middle.
Just...
Wow.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Whoa. This could be, like, the quickest threesome ever.
God damn it, man. I gave you 80 fucking bucks
to tell me exactly where you dropped her off.
What's the matter? Girl fuckin' around on you?
Hmm? Shh.
Is somebody gonna die tonight?
What?! No, man.
- N... no one's gonna die tonight. - Oh. All right.
I mean, I'm sure some people are gonna die tonight
here in Portland and around the world or whatever,
but, no, you're not gonna see me on "Dateline"
any time soon, okay?
I need to know if this Jack guy,
"the uncle," is really her uncle.
- Mm. - I think she likes me.
- Aww. - I... I...
I know sh... I know she likes me.
She's got some shit going on. That's okay.
I don't need simple and easy.
Simple and easy's boring, right?
You know what I think?
If you really care about her,
I don't think you should be following her around like this.
I think you two should sit down,
have a little tête-à-tête, which is French.
It means "head-to-head."
I don't know if that's an osmosis thing
or if it's just a symbol of,
"I'm willing to put myself this close to you
to get to know you, to get to know
what's in your brains."
You need to talk to her like that.
With all due respect,
- um, I don't know your name, but... - Shaun.
... I'm not looking for bartender wisdom right now.
I just need an address.
Do you have any idea how itchy this beard is?
The whole point of growing this beard
was to get credibility beyond my ears...
at least the illusion of it.
Yeah, and it does, man. No, it absolutely does that.
Oh, sure. Sure.
- No, it definitely... It absolutely does. - It's too late.
You f... I feel like you want to finish the pitch.
- Do you want to finish the pitch? - Nope.
You do. I can see it.
- No. - Come on, come on.
I'm all ears.
When I was 9...
Nope.
What?! Ow.
Okay.
What are you weirdos up to?
But you know you already have an "A" in my class, right?
I'm reclaiming my inner bad girl
after playing den mother to my roommate
for the past few days.
Oh, you don't mind, Garry.
Let me guess... Izzy stood you up again.
I'm approaching Uncle Jack's house.
Izzy got dropped off here about an hour ago.
You know, I'm gettin' the overwhelming sense
that, uh, Jack isn't really Izzy's uncle, you know.
What?! What?
Yeah, thanks, Nina.
I was really startin' to think I was paranoid.
- Mom? - Shh!
God!
Clear your throat or something, Batgirl!
Turn it down!
Stop, stop. Wait.
Wait for me.
Shh.
It's Communal Fleece.
Also way too cool for the Trakarskys.
And not to mention coming from their dimly lit bedroom.
This is gonna break Emma's heart.
I thought you talked to her when she got home from work.
Mm-hmm.
She had a different name for the niece.
Sorry to break this up, you guys,
but I think we're all doing a really good job so far.
Shh.
Hey, it's me again.
Shit's about to hit the fan
in your kinky little suburban love shack.
Call me.
Did I forget to tell you that I'm really busy
and you need to go?
- Uh... yeah. - My bad.
I'm really busy, and you need to go.
So, what's our next move?
Not really sure.
But this is nice. Right?
Little mother-daughter time.
Us finally doing something together.
Good.
- Mom, Mom. - There's a...
Mm.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Oh, shit.
- Hi. - Who are you?
You're... You're not Jack. Who are you?
No, I am not Jack. No.
Hello, though. Hi. My name is Andy.
Uh, this right here...
this is a classic case
of it's not what it looks like.
- Uh, it's just... - You take one more step forward,
and I start blowing.
Mom.
Um, well, I cannot see shit right now.
So I... That's very confusing to me.
Oh! Okay. Aah.
I got it, got it, got it. You got the whistle.
Anyone hear a whistle?
No. No.
I just want to go home.
Okay? And pretend this never happened. Okay?
Okay.
If it's not what it looks like, then what are you doing here?
That's an excellent question, actually.
Um...
I'm looking for a girl.
I knew it!
Did I hear a whistle?
You guys, stop.
Yeah, that's not happening.
No, I... I'm serious. Do you hear that?
I hear voices. I hear voices outside.
What is that?
Ava! Lori! Are you okay?
Everything's fine, Paul.
Well, it's Andy here lost his girlfriend.
Think she might be inside maybe? Is that what you thought?
I'm pretty sure I... I didn't say girlfriend.
- You can... - Fucking great.
What? Honey, what is it? What?
- Ow, ow, ow! - What's your problem?
Migraine. Comes and goes.
- I'm good. - Oh.
So Jack's niece, Izzy, is here,
and you now...
What again? You came to pick her up?
So did you consider just ringing the doorbell?
Yeah, well, I, uh...
Hey, here's an idea.
Andy goes home and promises to use the front door
- from now on. - Oh, I do, yeah.
- I really do. - Great.
Then the rest of us can take our collective nose
out of Jack and Emma's business.
How's that sound, Lori?
Oh.
She came through the woods!
If this Izzy was Jack's niece,
why would she need to skulk through the woods?
Huh, Dave?
Uh, yeah, Dave, you got to admit it's kind of vexing.
I totally agree.
Oh, oh, that's what's vexing,
Andy, really?
Because I think the cops
would be a lot more vexed by you sneaking around,
peering into people's windows.
Don't you?
That's a strong point.
I'm gonna go home now.
It's a good choice.
Uh, Mom.
Mom, oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, Lord.
Oh.
Stop it. That's weird.
No, no. It's good.
It's, like, pleasant. We should all do it.
- Oh. - What are they doing?
So, that raises some questions.
So, Em, that's Andy
in the expanding mob of neighbors.
God damn it, he's cute.
What's he doing here?
No idea.
This is fucking bad.
Okay? Let's just, uh...
Let's stop on 3. This is weird.
Okay, ready? One, two, three, stop.
- I warned him. - I warned her.
That, uh, was disturbing.
I thought you were leaving.
- What are you doing? - Think I'm gonna hang around.
See how this plays out.
Yeah?
Right on. Very cool.
Fuck!
Fucking Lori! God damn it!
- What's Andy doing here? - Ah, fucking Lori!
Fucking Lori!
God, I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it.
Like, I knew it.
I knew she would be the one to take me down
- with her fucking face! - Honey, honey, honey.
You're doing that comic-book thing, okay?
- Guys. - Just breathe.
- I'm breathing. - Guys.
They're waiting for an appearance from us.
Like, uh, what are we gonna do?
All right. Come on, people!
Let's, uh, head out. Nothin' to see here.
That's a matter of opinion. Am I right?
Okay, let's, uh, disband this meeting
of the neighborhood watch, shall we?
Let's all go home to our homes. Separate homes.
Okay, you are not the boss of me.
If you want to go home, then, by all means, go home.
But I have a job to do.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
I am protecting the integrity of the Hamilton School
because there is something kinky going on inside that house.
Kinky. How do you even...
You just jump straight to kinky just because Jack, his wife,
and their niece are in the bedroom together
- with moody lighting and... - Whoa, honey.
- ... and sexy music? - Hey. Hey, honey.
Honey. We got it.
That is crazy talk, Lori,
and out of line, okay?
I'm not gonna be dean.
I'm not gonna be dean!
I can't believe I'm not gonna be dean.
I can't believe this is happening.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do, people, okay?
Okay.
- We're gonna lie. - Hmm?
Is that it?
- Is there more? - That's it.
We are gonna go out there, and we're gonna lie.
And we're gonna lie. And we're gonna lie some more.
We are gonna say that Izzy is our goddamn fuckin' niece,
and that's that!
- Okay, honey, that's... - No, no, no, no.
Lori calls me out, I am gonna hurt her.
- No, she has no business... - No, no, no.
- She is the... - No, no, no. Shh!
You need to calm down, okay?
First it was me. Now it's you. Okay?
- We got to both just get our bearings. - I'm sorry.
Sorry. I'm just, like, spinning.
- I know. - I'm sorry.
- I love you very much, okay? - I love you, too.
Okay. So we're gonna...
- I'm fucking terrified. - I know.
We're gonna do this together, though, okay?
We're gonna come up at with a solution. Okay?
Don't cry. Don't cry.
- I'm not gonna cry. - No. We're good.
We're good, okay?
I love you.
Okay? It's okay.
You okay now?
- I love you very much. - I love you.
I'm sorry, guys.
Fuck! This is all my fault.
- Izzy. - Oh, God.
I really feel like, at this point,
our only option is just to walk up there on the porch.
We'll walk right in the door, or does anyone have a key?
Carmen? Dave?
Hey, hey! Wow!
Hi, every... Why are you...
What's happening? Why are you guys here?
Well, see, this young man, he was lurking around the side
of your house, peeking in your windows.
Said he was looking for his girlfriend.
Hey, once again, I didn't use the word "girlfriend."
- Yes, he did. - Andy, why...
why are you... Why'd you follow me here
- to... to my uncle's house? - Right.
- Uncle Jack. - I know you said you weren't feeling well,
which, you know, wasn't entirely surprising
considering the pizza intake.
You weren't dressed in the window.
- He wasn't dressed. - Mnh-mnh.
- Yes, I was. I had my... - What?
It was...
You're sure it wasn't the reflection in the...
No.
Saw your...
My one nip? This nipple?
It's a great shirt.
I've never even seen this guy before.
You never even talked about him, and, like,
all of a sudden, you get a text, you say you're sick,
and then you sneak off to his house?
Like, what's going on?
You know, conversely, none of us had ever heard of
nor seen her before, what, uh, three days ago?
- Three days ago. - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. - You know what, Lori?
Maybe... Maybe they did drift apart.
Maybe there are some complex family dynamics
that we simply don't feel obligated to share with you.
Okay, riddle me this, Trakarskys.
If she is your niece,
why does she have to sneak through the woods
to go and visit her own family?
Hmm?
Yeah.
Yeah. Good one, Lori.
I was actually wondering the exact same thing.
Happy Halloween!
Boom.
- When I was like... - Four...
- ... 14. - 14.
Jack scared the shit out of me...
- Like... - ... and my friends wearing this, so...
- Same mask. - I snuck her in.
She hid in the closet with this.
It was...
- It was epic. - Yep.
Jack peed his pants.
- What? - I didn't pee my pants.
It was like, uh, I spilled something on...
Jack, you pissed your pants?
That is fucking awesome!
- I didn't pee my pants. - It's part of the lore.
Don't fight it, honey.
- Why was that necessary? - It's happening.
Okay, so, that's it. We can wrap this up.
Or do you guys want to go home and get your, uh,
torches and pitchforks?
What? No, no.
I was being a good neighbor! I mean, if...
if one of you sees a stranger peering in my window,
I would hope you would have the decency to say,
"Hey, Lori.
You need to know there's a creepy man lookin'
in your window," and not just sit there and laugh at me.
It's... It's all good, Lori.
I mean, this is gonna make a great story for everyone.
You know who would really enjoy this particular anecdote?
Uh, Lisa Sangster.
Wait. Isn't she on the Hamilton Alumni Board with you?
She's the chairperson, yeah.
Um, you're friends?
Since college.
So, it's super-late.
- Mom. - Let's go.
- Bye, Lori.
- We're gonna go. - Good night, guys.
- Thank you so much for... Yeah. - Good night, everyone.
Hey, try not to go twice in one night, huh?
Change those jimjams!
Iz. Iz, Iz, Iz.
- It worked, right? - Oh, my God. It worked.
So yeah.
Can we just go?
You do not want to do this here.
What do you mean? What's this?
- I don't... - You're moving too fast.
Tracking me down?
Really?
I'm moving too fast?
Are you serious?
We've been doing whatever the fuck this is
that we're doing for three months,
and I still can't even get you to stay for one normal date.
I'm too fast?
You're right.
I've told you so many times...
I'm unavailable
for whatever it is that you want from me.
It's just one more reason that you are too good for me.
You know?
Mm, yeah.
You know what? I think you're right.
Maybe I am.
Oh, my God. That was crazy.
- Hi. - Hey.
You okay?
I'm not really sure.
One can only get so moist.
Lori, you're saturated.
You'll slip off the bed.
You seem upset, dearest.
I am not buying their bullshit, Paul.
My Spidey-Sense is tingling.
Okay, guys. So, our cover...
Is it... Is it solid now?
Yeah. No more woods.
No more Lori.
Good.
That's... That's good to know.
So...
so, um, do you guys...
Do you guys remember where we left off?
'Cause I can't really remember.
But were we back here?
Well, your Spidey-Sense is a track breaker and it really isn't...
They brought props.
Okay, you are on your own, baby doll.
Oh, shit.
Why would they do that unless it was a cover-up?
Why would they bring out the mask and the knife
for show-and-tell? Come on.
Well, honestly, I don't have an answer to that.
Hello?
- Hey. - Um, okay.
Hey.
I just needed someone to talk to...
someone who actually knows what I'm talking about.
You're not gonna make me drink this all by myself, right?
Whatever. Fine.
Whew.
I love us.
You know, not just the sex, but, like, us.
Me too.
Me three.
subtitle by peritta, edits by chamallow