Previously on "You Me Her"...
There was this very s... specific moment
- the other night behind the hedge. - The Almost Kiss?
Is that Nathan? What the fuck, Iz?
Is Coach Remi right? Do you want to see other people?
Do you have any sequel ideas for me?
I mean, you're the writer in the family.
- Could you help... - Dick.
Are you seriously asking me to take out that bag of trash?
- Uh... - I quit, okay?
Good luck finding another bartender with a PhD.
Fun fact... seven of the applicants.
Oh, Jesus, really?
I'm the victim. Shaun did this to me.
By getting his shit together?
Naming his bar after you?
Being really good at sex?
I've been thinking about Dad a lot lately.
Just... He was such a cool guy, you know?
Like, he could just attract friends like flies.
Every weekend, the basement was packed.
How do you become a guy like that?
Why don't you just tell us why we're here?
Everything he thinks he knows about his own upbringing is a lie.
He needs to know the truth about his dad
to understand Mom.
Jack.
Mom.
You gonna go first?
Out here in the cold and damp?
You're still trying to kill me, huh?
Come on.
Let's chat over a proper cocktail
while Ding and Dong cook me one of my recipes
like it's some kind of tribute to serve me food
I make better at home.
- I won't be staying for dinner. - Oh, come on!
Let's have two proper cocktails.
I'm better at pretending I like things when I'm half in the bag,
especially people, but also food.
We need to talk, Jack.
That's why I came. It's why I'm here.
I just need to say what I'm gonna say, and then I'll go.
I'm having twins.
So I guess I actually do have balls.
Fuck it, I'm just here to ask you will you come
to our party on Saturday night?
Kid, I was coming whether you liked it or not, so thank you.
- Mom! - What?
Is that Jack-off Trakarsky?
Since when can you talk and make a decent Manhattan
at the same goddamn time?
- Witch. - Fucktard!
Wow. You two have a good thing going.
Ah, don't we?
Okay, well...
That seems about right.
Okay, girls, always remember this...
if you never fall,
you'll never learn how to get back up.
And you're gonna fall a lot 'cause you're a Trakarsky,
and we fall a lot.
I'm your dad, by the way.
- What are you doing? - Jesus, Batgirl.
Clear your throat or something.
What's going on in there?
He's practicing his dad face.
It's pretty adorable.
Well, I love adorable things.
So get your ass back in here.
So, tell us your dad's other wisdom nuggets
besides the, um, the falling down thing.
- I remember that one... - Mm-hmm.
... and then something about standing closer
to the toilet when you pee.
You are gonna be an amazing dad,
and you're gonna craft way better wisdom
than "stand close to pee"
- and "if you fall, remember to get back up." - It's true.
Jizzy and Jamma are going to bore the shit
out of their future partners
with exaggerated tales of your fatherly exploits.
You know, I always felt like there was something more
that he was trying to tell me.
Um, we have our consultation at Bill's Baby Shop today.
- Remember? - Babe, that's the whitest sentence ever.
Oh.
It's mine.
Oh! It's your partner in crime.
Shut up.
Hey, Nathan. What's up?
You're leaving?
But it's the middle of the semester.
He's leaving Hawthorne?
What is he, in love with you or something?
What?
Why would you say that?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Iz...
No, babe, I was saying no.
It was just weird that you would say that.
You're being crazy.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Hey.
He's going to California at the border
to work with those kids in cages
who are separated from their parents.
Wow. He's really doing it.
- Good on him, right? - Totally.
Yeah.
Um, well, I'm glad he has time to save the world
because this gal has got party errands to run.
Hey, Iz?
Yeah.
You know when Nathan...
almost kissed you on that security camera?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.
Did you want him to?
No.
Look, Iz, you're right.
We're all gonna have to make compromises, for sure.
But we just really want you to be happy.
Yeah, this whole thing doesn't work if you aren't.
Well, I am.
I promise. Okay?
So have fun with Bill and his bougie-ass cribs.
I have party planning to do. You guys won't be disappointed.
Okay?
Hey.
Are you kidding me with that incredible book idea?
Reiko Robin learns the value of diversity and tolerance
when an evil cockatoo with an orange comb-over
blames all the migrant birds for pooping on all the nice cars?
And that romance angle?
Birds may have brains the size of insects,
but their hearts are as big as the Idaho sky!
Carmen, you saved my ass. I'm serious.
Uh, my heart has wings for you.
- Sweetheart? - I almost didn't send it.
What? What do you mean, you almost didn't send it?
- What are you talking about? - Because I just recently concluded
that fulfillment wasn't enough,
and I wanted the gold star, the smiley face, the spotlight.
I wanted you to be the wind beneath my sheets for once.
So I wished for my own husband to not only crash and burn
but also shit his pants on the way down.
Oh, my.
Carmen, that is quite dark and jarringly thorough.
Have I been that much of a dick?
I feel certain that no one else
has written and sold a children's book with less effort.
And, all of a sudden, now you're just regaling moms
in strip mall bookstores up and down the West Coast,
and I can't even get a local awards nomination
with so many categories, one is literally called Best Condiment Blog.
- Oh, that's real? - Here's the thing, Dave.
I'm an undercover asshole,
and, uh, everybody thinks I'm the nice one,
but I... I know better.
Okay, then I'm gonna say this.
Uh, uh, women get saddled with this morally pristine
Earth mother bullshit that just is completely unfair
and unattainable and unhealthy
that makes actual Earth angels like you feel like shit.
Really?
Hey, listen, I have wished for you
to have explosive, debilitating diarrhea
- just for being better than me at Pictionary. - Oh, Dave.
There are at least five pets in our neighborhood
who are better than you at Pictionary.
Yeah, listen, I... I am not okay without you, all right?
And you are the best writer this family has.
I don't even need to say that, quite frankly.
And you know what? I'm getting you a cowriter credit, all right?
And next time, we're doing this book tour together.
Finished, Mommy! Wipe my bum-bum!
Well, FaceTime's going hard R at 8:00 sharp tonight.
- Ya feel me? - Oh!
Uh, yas queen!
Ugh, make it 8:30.
I'm gonna need a half-hour to forget you said that.
Mommy, I sat on Lily, and now she's poopy, too!
You be brave, my love.
Okay. Come home soon.
Uh, what the fuck?
Well, I hope your exit lines are better than your entry lines.
Why would you call Jack to tell him that you were leaving?
Didn't you get the e-mail blast? It went out to the whole school.
Oh, really? How about... how about...
how about this e-mail blast? Or h... how about this one?
Wow, you're... you're flipping me off
for helping children who have been ripped from their parents
and held in cages.
Well, you should pack linen, Izzy,
'cause, uh, the forecast in Hell calls for extreme heat
- and intermittent lapping flames. - Okay.
Let's pretend for a moment that your reasons for leaving
have nothing to do with me. Let's do that.
You know, it's like we say a... at Grigio...
I'm getting hints of egocentricity
with bass notes of narcissism.
Oh, fuck your weird white wine bar.
You don't have to leave just because, you know, because...
- W... we... - Okay, this should be good.
I believe we can be friends.
That's what I came here to say.
Jack and Emma would never be okay with that.
Well, then that's too bad for them.
Neither will I.
Look, since we met, I... I exist in one of two states...
with you and waiting to see you.
Nathan, you've known me for, like, less than a month.
Yeah. It took me about four days
to realize I was in love with you.
It took a lot longer than that
to accept that you are in love with the Trakarskys.
I'll quit. You stay, I'll go.
Look, we... we both know you can't do that.
You're gonna lose the house.
Kind of all-or-nothing for you guys now, huh?
Is that by your own design, or, I don't know, just theirs?
Oh, we're being dicks now?
Okay. Let's be dicks.
How about you quit pretending to pack
and stop acting like a spoiled brat who didn't get his way?
I'm sorry I... I can't spare the time.
I wasted too much of that already...
being angry at a wife who never loved me,
working a job I never really loved,
pining after you.
Izzy, I want to do something with my life that matters,
and I want to matter to someone.
You matter to me.
You... you helped me realize that I have a life out there...
my life, my journey.
My only regret is, uh, I just...
I couldn't make you see that that's true for you.
Later, friend.
Fuck off, Nathan.
For the record, I am different from all these bougie assholes
because I am self-aware, which, you know, makes it okay.
It's more than okay.
It's everything I've ever wanted.
You know, I think, um...
You think what?
Well, I think maybe that's how Izzy feels.
You know, everything we ever wanted...
the house we want, the babies we want, the life we want.
Now we're here without her.
Although she did say that we should be...
- start doing... - Yeah, well,
she also got us a pumpkin spice candle.
Doesn't mean she suddenly likes it.
I wish she never said that human shit thing.
I know. Gets in your head, right?
Yes.
What are you thinking?
Eh, I was thinking about my parents.
How happy they were, you know, before, when I was a kid.
Thought it would last forever.
When did you realize they weren't happy?
I guess about a year before the accident.
They stopped trying to hide it.
What happened? I mean, was there a problem?
My mother happened.
She's a horrible human being who became horrible-er.
You're gonna be better than your dad.
Better than the best.
- Hmm? - Thanks.
Thank you.
Fancy seeing you here.
Because you sent me a text to meet you.
Yes, so...
- You did good, kid. - Mm-hmm.
We're square, you and me.
So, do you guys need anything cleaned?
'Cause I've got that thing till the end of today.
Well, aren't you suddenly lovely?
- What do you want? - William!
Maybe she's just being neighborly.
Yeah.
That could happen.
Sometime. Not today. But eventually.
Called it, this guy.
Marty, um, you stage and decorate
and host shit like Binge Club, right?
You're like a Martha Stewart type?
Well, I wouldn't put "shit" and "Binge Club"
in the same sentence,
and I'm more of an Ina than a Martha Stewart,
- but, please, do go on. - So, here's the thing...
I imagined blowing Jack and Emma away
with this epic anniversary party.
Meanwhile, in reality, all I have is 40 Solo cups
and a bunch of ping-pong balls and a jumbo bag of chips,
but I stress-ate them in the Lyft.
Okay, so when's this soirée?
T... tomorrow night?
Oh, man, well, 40 cups and ping pong balls,
- I think maybe we could just... - Oh, please with the deep pondering.
We both know you'd pay her to let you do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, yes! Thank you, thank you.
Okay, people. We have four hours until the stores close.
- We got to get on it. - Wait. You're gonna help me?
Well, somebody's got to be in charge.
Well, that's me.
- Oh, muffin. - Okay, whatever.
I'll just drop these off at home.
Izzy.
So that should be as good as new.
Mm-hmm.
So Dada and I had alone time, and that's completely natural.
That's great.
Can you... can you... the power-washer.
- Now? - Yeah.
Okay. Great.
- I'll see ya? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Dad? - Okay.
See you guys shortly. Thank you, guys, again.
Are you fucking kidding me right now? Honestly?
- What? I'm an adult! - Honestly.
Hey, Sash. W... what's up?
Uh, too casual, sounds rehearsed.
Hey! Sasha, you work here?
Bro, just say, "Dat ass tho!"
Really? Straight for the butt?
You could also offer to cut back on the hate crimes.
Okay, I can do that.
Hey, how about, uh, "Girrrl, I'm gonna let you cook me dinner."
So good. Also, if she says she's not interested,
just really turn up the heat.
Chicks really respect relentless shark-like perseverance.
Where you at?
How can I help you today?
I'm, uh, really into plants and trees and shit.
It's kind of my jam.
- Mm, like Pan-ism. - Exactly.
I'm, uh, particularly fond of... ficus.
Fike-eye? Whatever.
I'm also very fond of you, and I want you to be my girlfriend.
Um...
You really don't want that.
Oh, I... I really do.
Gabriel...
You don't live on the streets for almost a year
without accumulating some serious fucking damage.
It's just a part of me now. It always will be.
Well, color me warned.
I'm being serious.
So am I.
I'm 18, and I've never been asked out on a real date.
Not once.
Maybe we could start there.
- You want to go see a movie? - Oh, with you? God no.
What? I said I wanted to be asked.
- You're horrible. - Color you warned.
Can I kiss you now?
If you must.
I'm working!
Yep.
Living it.
And living it.
Neen! I know you're in there.
You know I'm in here?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
What, like, I don't have options?
Or maybe I'm out having the time of my life,
no longer burdened by the big ginger albatross.
But you're not, babe, 'cause you're talking to me
from the other side of the door, and I can see your eyeball.
- Fuck. - Guess what?
I've got something for you.
What? What is it? Give it.
You got a little...
- little something there. - God, okay, get over it.
This is what rebirth looks like for a woman.
- It's glorious. - Oh.
It's much better now that you've made me blind.
Wait, no, no, no, no! It was a joke.
Remember, the gift?
Fine. Give it.
Your Hail Mary is S&M?
Read the inscription.
"You will always hold the key."
You make me better, Neen.
I'm nothing without you.
You see, the handcuffs mean
that you'll always have control of the relationship,
so that even if I get off on some sort of wild...
Stop mansplaining and turn around.
- What? - Oh, did I stutter?
Oh! Oh! Ha!
You're gonna punish me, are ya?
I've got a good one.
Why don't you leave me in bed confused and alone
while you take a good, long shower
and get all that goop off your face and hair?
That would really show me who's boss.
Mm.
Hmm.
What?
You're a lot of work, but I'm in love with you.
Me, too.
I mean, with you.
Oh.
I started feeling myself, and I stopped feeling you,
and that won't happen again, boss.
Oh!
Mm.
Let's see how many ways we can make you apologize, okay?
- Okay. - Hmm?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Uh!
David, I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Did somebody say my name?
I'm sorry I didn't answer your phone call.
I've got my hands full of your favorite things in the world.
- But... but... - Now, listen, I got to be back at the airport
in 10 hours and 37 minutes, which, as you know,
is 10 hours and 27 minutes more than I need.
- You... - No.
You.
No screaming or swearing?
Not yet.
Well, it's a shame we can't actually put the babies in here, though.
Very funny. It's only halfway done.
Mm.
You're gonna be an amazing dad.
Why do you guys keep saying that?
Because it's true.
Is everything okay with you?
Yeah.
Because if you don't like this stuff, any of it,
we can bring it all back.
No. I think it's perfect.
It's Gabe? Did you call Gabe?
Honey, I can do the crib myself. I'm not a child.
I... I know you can, babe.
I know.
He's not even using the right tool.
- What? - Mom wants to talk to you.
- Is she invisible? - Yeah, that's right. She's invisible.
No, she's in the car, and she wants you to come to her.
- I'm... - Just shut up.
You think I don't know how fucking weird this is?
Just save us both a lot of time, and just get out there.
All right?
Jackson.
Mother.
So you're a mob boss now?
That's good to know.
Women have always been underrepresented
in the organized crime industry.
I want to tell you how your father died.
He was on a business trip at the home office in Scottsdale
and got into a car wreck.
That's just the end of the story.
There's more?
You were...
about 10 months old when the affair started.
Elizabeth McCray, VP of Marketing.
I knew.
He knew I knew.
But that night he called from Scottsdale,
that was the first time we ever spoke of it.
First and last.
Your father only knew himself
as the sum of other people's approval.
All the men huddled in the basement,
laughing at his shitty jokes.
And then her.
Maybe it was real.
I mean, 12 years is a long time.
What did he say?
When he called?
He said he was gonna stay there a while, figure things out...
with her.
I told him we wouldn't be waiting around for him to decide.
Four days later, they got in the car wreck.
She made it, he didn't.
Gabe knew?
He was older.
He put some pieces together.
Why didn't you tell me?
I lost him.
Gabe lost him.
You thought he hung the moon.
Didn't see any reason you had to lose him, too.
But I was wrong.
I let you keep on loving him.
But then I couldn't help hating you for it.
- We fucked up. - Yeah, you did.
I'm...
sorry.
Me too.
Come in.
- Get ready. - What do you mean?
You'll see.
It is freezing out there, and neither of you dummies
thought a hot toddy might be in order?
You know one good woman is better than two shitty ones.
Is she serious?
I never know.
Go!
Okay, who's up for some Euchre?
You got any cards, or are you all too gay for that?
- So I can leave her here? - Not a chance. No.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -