1 00:00:02,828 --> 00:00:04,828 Previously on "You Me Her"... 2 00:00:04,863 --> 00:00:06,575 You actually named the bar "Therapy"? 3 00:00:06,599 --> 00:00:08,565 - I actually did. - Just because you're suddenly 4 00:00:08,601 --> 00:00:10,300 an entrepreneur with a magical penis 5 00:00:10,335 --> 00:00:12,903 doesn't mean that you're the new sheriff in town, capisce? 6 00:00:12,938 --> 00:00:15,572 Mom's coming to town, and Jack's gonna make nice with her, 7 00:00:15,608 --> 00:00:17,140 or I'm gonna go postal on his ass. 8 00:00:17,175 --> 00:00:19,142 Sheriff Lala is fining us for Izzy's door. 9 00:00:19,177 --> 00:00:25,415 That door represents our lives, our family, and our freedom! 10 00:00:25,450 --> 00:00:26,817 And scene. 11 00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,151 A-plus on the outrage. 12 00:00:28,186 --> 00:00:30,231 Jack and Emma, you stepped outside of your relationship 13 00:00:30,255 --> 00:00:32,388 to find a spark, and that spark's name is Izzy. 14 00:00:32,424 --> 00:00:36,025 So why shouldn't she have the same opportunity to explore? 15 00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:37,594 - Is that what you want? - No. 16 00:00:37,629 --> 00:00:40,396 Remember my boss Nathan? 17 00:00:40,432 --> 00:00:44,434 Last night, we made some not-so-good choices. 18 00:00:44,469 --> 00:00:45,768 Holy shit. 19 00:00:45,803 --> 00:00:48,904 We just egged the holy fuck out of Lala's door. 20 00:00:48,940 --> 00:00:50,440 Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs. 21 00:00:50,475 --> 00:00:52,108 Why did I drag you into this? 22 00:00:52,144 --> 00:00:53,709 I wanted to be with you. 23 00:00:53,745 --> 00:00:55,345 It's Lala, and she brought a movie. 24 00:00:55,380 --> 00:00:56,446 What kind of movie? 25 00:00:56,481 --> 00:00:58,281 A mash-up of my two favorite genres... 26 00:00:58,316 --> 00:01:00,249 true crime and found footage. 27 00:01:00,284 --> 00:01:02,118 From my neighbor's security camera. 28 00:01:09,127 --> 00:01:12,928 Neighbor burned me a copy of his security cam footage... 29 00:01:12,964 --> 00:01:16,098 so I can take it to the police. 30 00:01:16,134 --> 00:01:17,366 What? 31 00:01:17,401 --> 00:01:19,601 You're looking a little rough, sugar baby. 32 00:01:19,637 --> 00:01:20,970 Excuse me? 33 00:01:21,005 --> 00:01:22,750 Did you break into the grown-up's liquor cabinet? 34 00:01:22,774 --> 00:01:24,118 If you have something to say to me... 35 00:01:24,142 --> 00:01:28,310 Ooh! This is the good part! 36 00:01:28,345 --> 00:01:30,046 - Is that Nathan? - Bam! 37 00:01:30,081 --> 00:01:31,714 - Huh? - It's... 38 00:01:37,754 --> 00:01:41,323 Nothing to see. 39 00:01:41,358 --> 00:01:42,391 What the fuck, Iz? 40 00:01:42,426 --> 00:01:43,725 Was Coach Remi right? 41 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,561 - Do you want to see other people? - No! 42 00:01:45,596 --> 00:01:48,163 No, that's... are you guys fucking kidding me? 43 00:01:48,199 --> 00:01:50,232 I mean, it... it... it's not what it look... 44 00:01:50,267 --> 00:01:52,267 I mean, I ca... I can't. I... 45 00:01:52,303 --> 00:01:54,403 Okay, so you guys are seeing what you want to see. 46 00:01:54,438 --> 00:01:56,305 That's clear. 47 00:01:56,340 --> 00:01:58,073 What... what is that supposed to mean? 48 00:01:58,108 --> 00:02:00,409 You think we wanted you to cheat? 49 00:02:00,444 --> 00:02:01,444 - I... - Hey, how's about you save 50 00:02:01,445 --> 00:02:02,656 the therapy for some other time 51 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,178 and we circle on back to the tape? 52 00:02:04,214 --> 00:02:07,748 In what way is you making out with Nathan our fault? 53 00:02:07,783 --> 00:02:09,417 - Or not. - A, I didn't. 54 00:02:11,221 --> 00:02:13,254 And B, you know what? 55 00:02:13,289 --> 00:02:15,623 How about we just cut the bullshit, okay? 56 00:02:15,658 --> 00:02:17,825 And let's just admit that we're never leaving Stepford, 57 00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:19,260 and I'm never having my own kids. 58 00:02:19,295 --> 00:02:21,629 How about you cut the bullshit, Izzy? 59 00:02:21,664 --> 00:02:23,497 Saying that we want you to run off with Nathan 60 00:02:23,533 --> 00:02:24,932 is the most desperate diversion 61 00:02:24,967 --> 00:02:26,834 I have ever heard in my fucking life. 62 00:02:26,869 --> 00:02:28,769 Okay, so, when you got pregnant, 63 00:02:28,804 --> 00:02:31,205 we didn't just circle right back around to the life 64 00:02:31,241 --> 00:02:34,542 you dreamt of before we met, right? 65 00:02:34,577 --> 00:02:35,843 If this isn't what you want, 66 00:02:35,878 --> 00:02:38,212 then why didn't you just say something? 67 00:02:38,247 --> 00:02:40,287 You know, instead of buying us pumpkin spice candles 68 00:02:40,315 --> 00:02:42,883 and planning a party. 69 00:02:42,918 --> 00:02:44,351 It seems implied, like, 70 00:02:44,386 --> 00:02:46,720 it's mixed into this great big bouillabaisse of crazy, 71 00:02:46,756 --> 00:02:48,421 but you are confessing, right? 72 00:02:50,525 --> 00:02:52,292 I'm sorry, Lala. 73 00:02:52,327 --> 00:02:57,397 If I lose my job, we're gonna lose this house, and... 74 00:02:57,432 --> 00:02:58,676 I can't believe I'm saying this, 75 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:02,369 but Hawthorne Heights is as good a place as any. 76 00:03:04,439 --> 00:03:07,207 What? It is? 77 00:03:13,181 --> 00:03:16,650 I said I'd try, so I will. 78 00:03:24,025 --> 00:03:25,158 This is intense. 79 00:03:25,193 --> 00:03:28,027 Listen, uh, how's about you stay off my lawn 80 00:03:28,062 --> 00:03:29,696 and clean that egg off my door, 81 00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:32,332 and we'll call it a day, okay, sugar baby? 82 00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:35,001 I will. 83 00:03:43,444 --> 00:03:46,945 Oh, fuck. 84 00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:48,714 It's Helen. 85 00:03:50,951 --> 00:03:52,851 Oh, God, I need this. 86 00:04:31,925 --> 00:04:33,391 Guys, guys, guys. 87 00:04:33,426 --> 00:04:35,727 I got news. I got glorious news. 88 00:04:35,762 --> 00:04:37,662 - I just won the lottery. - Is... Is that a joke? 89 00:04:37,697 --> 00:04:39,397 That... That's a joke, right? 90 00:04:39,432 --> 00:04:40,776 Please tell me that's a fucking joke. 91 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,734 Five hunny, baby. 92 00:04:42,769 --> 00:04:44,068 Dinner's on Daddy. 93 00:04:44,103 --> 00:04:46,404 Okay, for the record, if he won five billion, 94 00:04:46,439 --> 00:04:47,639 I still wouldn't call him that. 95 00:04:47,674 --> 00:04:49,741 Unless you were screamin' it, am I right? 96 00:04:49,776 --> 00:04:51,743 - A sex joke. - Okay. 97 00:04:51,778 --> 00:04:53,310 So exciting! 98 00:04:53,346 --> 00:04:54,912 Hey, um, I'm gonna go pee for a while 99 00:04:54,947 --> 00:04:56,914 and maybe scarf your best vodka. 100 00:04:56,949 --> 00:04:58,015 Probably at the same time. 101 00:04:58,050 --> 00:05:00,485 So just, uh, have a wonderful day you... 102 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,921 Uh... You, uh...* 103 00:05:03,956 --> 00:05:05,656 Winner. 104 00:05:09,128 --> 00:05:10,862 "Daddy?" 105 00:05:10,897 --> 00:05:12,196 Oh, yeah, I'd go back 106 00:05:12,231 --> 00:05:14,965 and leave that one in the chamber if I could. 107 00:05:25,647 --> 00:05:29,250 Uh, no, no, I understand. 108 00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:33,287 Well, thank you for being honest. 109 00:05:33,322 --> 00:05:35,322 Yeah, if we could just... 110 00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:39,360 It's over. 111 00:05:39,395 --> 00:05:41,273 And houses on this block hit the market, like... 112 00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:43,130 - Never. - Yeah, never. 113 00:05:43,165 --> 00:05:45,632 Yeah, somebody convinced her to take a matching offer 114 00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,967 and that no one wants us in the neighborhood. 115 00:05:51,239 --> 00:05:53,706 We made up, remember? 116 00:05:53,741 --> 00:05:56,809 You guys can't possibly think that this makes me happy. 117 00:06:01,682 --> 00:06:03,327 Honey, you're gonna hurt yourself... just say it. 118 00:06:03,351 --> 00:06:05,462 I need to know that this will never happen again, okay? 119 00:06:05,486 --> 00:06:08,988 We're about to have twins. We don't need a third child. 120 00:06:09,024 --> 00:06:12,959 Well, you've made that pretty damn clear, haven't you, Em? 121 00:06:12,994 --> 00:06:15,128 You know what? Let's... let's settle down, okay? 122 00:06:15,163 --> 00:06:16,473 Nobody's decided anything about anything. 123 00:06:16,497 --> 00:06:18,197 No, you know what? She's right. 124 00:06:22,202 --> 00:06:24,136 I don't want any more kids. 125 00:06:24,171 --> 00:06:25,670 Full stop. 126 00:06:25,705 --> 00:06:26,905 Iz, we're almost 40. 127 00:06:26,941 --> 00:06:29,041 We want to retire someday, travel. 128 00:06:29,076 --> 00:06:30,100 That's not gonna happen 129 00:06:30,101 --> 00:06:33,312 if we're paying college tuitions into our sixties. 130 00:06:33,347 --> 00:06:36,148 And we've talked about this so many times. 131 00:06:36,183 --> 00:06:38,183 Unless you've changed your mind. 132 00:06:57,136 --> 00:06:58,836 Well, there it is. 133 00:07:10,583 --> 00:07:12,249 Thanks, I guess. 134 00:07:26,099 --> 00:07:31,368 My issue isn't with the concept of fitness, per se. 135 00:07:31,403 --> 00:07:34,371 It's with the people that actually pursue it, you know? 136 00:07:34,406 --> 00:07:37,707 Mm-hmm. I pursue things that are easier to catch. 137 00:07:37,742 --> 00:07:41,211 Like the perfect pairing of a cheeseburger and a craft beer. 138 00:07:41,246 --> 00:07:46,782 But, like, my fear is that the moment I find it, I die. 139 00:07:50,122 --> 00:07:53,390 I'm joking? Uh, cool. 140 00:07:53,425 --> 00:07:55,225 Brilliant. 141 00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:57,827 I mean, you just get it, all of it. 142 00:07:57,862 --> 00:08:01,898 You just strip it down to its most fundamental principles. 143 00:08:01,933 --> 00:08:03,766 I do all those things? 144 00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:05,301 That seems so unlikely. 145 00:08:05,337 --> 00:08:07,969 - You're an amazing human. - Hmm. 146 00:08:08,005 --> 00:08:10,239 And I would love to play just a small role 147 00:08:10,274 --> 00:08:12,241 in whatever it is that you're creating here. 148 00:08:12,276 --> 00:08:13,942 It's a bar, okay? 149 00:08:13,977 --> 00:08:16,011 With stools and booths. 150 00:08:16,047 --> 00:08:17,679 Sorry, carry on. 151 00:08:23,187 --> 00:08:24,853 All the love. 152 00:08:24,888 --> 00:08:27,256 Ahh. 153 00:08:27,291 --> 00:08:29,091 How 'bout her, huh? 154 00:08:29,126 --> 00:08:30,603 Got a signature sign off and everything. 155 00:08:30,627 --> 00:08:32,327 She's certainly a... a shrew. 156 00:08:32,363 --> 00:08:34,163 Oh, my God, right? 157 00:08:34,198 --> 00:08:38,167 Horrible, horrible interviewee. 158 00:08:38,202 --> 00:08:41,169 - Wait, oh, you're leaving? - Yep. 159 00:08:41,204 --> 00:08:43,971 Can you actually... 160 00:08:44,006 --> 00:08:45,873 Oh, a... are you seriously asking me 161 00:08:45,908 --> 00:08:48,042 to take out that bag of trash? 162 00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:49,810 Uh... 163 00:08:49,845 --> 00:08:53,781 I could easily lie to you right now. 164 00:08:53,816 --> 00:08:57,218 But I won't 'cause I respect you too much. 165 00:08:57,253 --> 00:08:59,398 And it's right there, and you were just heading out, and... 166 00:08:59,422 --> 00:09:01,289 And... and... and what? You're the boss? 167 00:09:01,324 --> 00:09:02,668 Hmm? Is that what you were gonna say? 168 00:09:02,692 --> 00:09:05,025 No, I was gonna say, it's just full of Styrofoam, 169 00:09:05,061 --> 00:09:07,795 so it's not heavy or gross, but if you don't want to... 170 00:09:07,830 --> 00:09:09,063 I quit, okay? 171 00:09:09,099 --> 00:09:11,732 Good luck finding another bartender with a PhD. 172 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,366 Fun fact, seven of the applicants... 173 00:09:13,402 --> 00:09:14,867 Oh, Jesus, really? 174 00:09:14,903 --> 00:09:16,236 Oh, nope. 175 00:09:16,271 --> 00:09:17,971 Neen, you're not seriously gonna quit a bar 176 00:09:18,006 --> 00:09:19,239 that I named for you? 177 00:09:19,274 --> 00:09:21,908 I'm, uh... I'm quitting everything. 178 00:09:26,014 --> 00:09:27,747 I'm so confused right now. 179 00:09:27,782 --> 00:09:30,016 Yeah, that is abundantly clear. 180 00:09:42,697 --> 00:09:46,266 Every bumpy road leads us to this rug. 181 00:09:49,704 --> 00:09:55,008 The hub of our universe. 182 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:02,749 Because we know we can only get here 183 00:10:02,784 --> 00:10:07,419 and to each other by sabotaging ourselves. 184 00:10:07,455 --> 00:10:09,689 Uh, speak for yourself, head shrinker. 185 00:10:09,724 --> 00:10:13,559 I'm the victim. Shaun did this to me. 186 00:10:13,594 --> 00:10:16,295 By getting his shit together? 187 00:10:16,330 --> 00:10:21,200 Uh, by naming his bar after you? 188 00:10:21,235 --> 00:10:23,636 By being really good at sex? 189 00:10:23,671 --> 00:10:27,439 Oh, and, like, firing off pheromones 190 00:10:27,475 --> 00:10:30,376 like a fireworks show? Come on. 191 00:10:30,411 --> 00:10:33,646 He won the lottery. 192 00:10:33,681 --> 00:10:36,048 Like metaphorically? 193 00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:37,716 Literally. 194 00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:45,391 Of course he did. 195 00:10:45,426 --> 00:10:48,327 Okay, tell me your shit. It always makes me feel better. 196 00:10:51,432 --> 00:10:55,267 Well... 197 00:10:55,303 --> 00:10:59,737 Jack and Emma don't want any more kids. 198 00:10:59,772 --> 00:11:01,673 "Full stop." 199 00:11:01,708 --> 00:11:04,008 Oh, fuck. 200 00:11:04,043 --> 00:11:06,444 I really thought that you were in the batter's box. 201 00:11:06,479 --> 00:11:09,347 I was. 202 00:11:09,382 --> 00:11:13,751 And then Emma hit a, uh... 203 00:11:13,786 --> 00:11:17,088 two-child walk-off homer. 204 00:11:17,123 --> 00:11:19,857 They're never leaving Hawthorne Heights, 205 00:11:19,892 --> 00:11:21,826 and they don't want any more kids. 206 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:30,101 And we all keep keeping secrets 207 00:11:30,136 --> 00:11:31,769 because we're all scared shitless 208 00:11:31,804 --> 00:11:36,607 that our truths can't live together. 209 00:11:36,642 --> 00:11:38,675 And I think... 210 00:11:38,711 --> 00:11:45,449 I think that this commitment party has become like a, um... 211 00:11:45,484 --> 00:11:47,183 A what? 212 00:11:49,388 --> 00:11:52,389 Like, a, um... 213 00:11:52,424 --> 00:11:54,658 like a deadline, or something. 214 00:11:58,029 --> 00:12:00,864 Hey... Hey. 215 00:12:02,868 --> 00:12:05,502 That is way too heavy for one little girl, 216 00:12:05,537 --> 00:12:06,737 so let me help, okay? 217 00:12:06,772 --> 00:12:09,405 Okay. 218 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,242 So, don't buy the house with them, 219 00:12:12,277 --> 00:12:13,509 and don't adopt their kids. 220 00:12:13,544 --> 00:12:18,347 Does that really mean that it has to be over? 221 00:12:18,383 --> 00:12:22,085 I think it does, yeah. 222 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,687 Well, you'll always have me. 223 00:12:24,722 --> 00:12:26,355 Always. 224 00:12:30,061 --> 00:12:33,062 I mean, it's pretty clear at this point 225 00:12:33,098 --> 00:12:36,900 that we both keep blowing up our other relationships 226 00:12:36,935 --> 00:12:40,703 so we can fulfill our destinies of being stoned spinsters 227 00:12:40,738 --> 00:12:42,405 who can only stand each other. 228 00:12:45,810 --> 00:12:47,710 But for real, you, uh... 229 00:12:47,745 --> 00:12:50,780 you got to stop running to me to tell me your truth, 230 00:12:50,815 --> 00:12:53,316 and you got to start laying it on them. 231 00:12:53,351 --> 00:12:56,118 You guys are all scared shitless of rocking the boat... 232 00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:01,123 ... but the boat needs to be rocked. 233 00:13:05,430 --> 00:13:06,562 Hey. 234 00:13:06,597 --> 00:13:08,397 Hello, you hear me? 235 00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:10,966 Say something. 236 00:13:11,001 --> 00:13:12,668 Power washer. 237 00:13:19,776 --> 00:13:21,743 You're thinking about Nathan and Izzy, aren't you? 238 00:13:21,778 --> 00:13:26,514 Yeah. That freeze-frame image is seared onto my eyelids. 239 00:13:26,550 --> 00:13:27,915 Maybe Coach Crazy was right, 240 00:13:27,951 --> 00:13:30,084 and that's why she was "almost kissing" Nathan. 241 00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:31,653 Yeah, well, I couldn't do it his way. 242 00:13:31,688 --> 00:13:33,928 No strings attached, each of us free to see other people? 243 00:13:33,957 --> 00:13:35,757 I mean, I know myself. I couldn't take it. 244 00:13:35,792 --> 00:13:38,593 - Same. - So, tea, yes, maybe? 245 00:13:38,628 --> 00:13:39,806 You know what? No offense, Marty, 246 00:13:39,830 --> 00:13:41,307 but this is the opposite of a tea situation. 247 00:13:41,331 --> 00:13:43,365 Oh, look. It's Polly. 248 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,632 And Polly's Penis. 249 00:13:44,668 --> 00:13:46,934 Will, the neighbors want to talk to you about the... 250 00:13:46,970 --> 00:13:48,503 I don't care. 251 00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:50,171 - Hold on. - Wait. 252 00:13:50,206 --> 00:13:52,318 You're the one screwing us over on the house, aren't you? 253 00:13:52,342 --> 00:13:54,976 Oh, because I'm gay and fashionable and thin 254 00:13:55,011 --> 00:13:57,444 and therefore the nosy neighbor all up in your beeswax? 255 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,948 Because you're an asshole. Objective fact. Ask anyone. 256 00:14:00,984 --> 00:14:02,328 - Yeah. - Ugh, I'm already bored of this. 257 00:14:02,352 --> 00:14:05,186 Uh, sure, fine, yeah, it was... it was me. 258 00:14:05,221 --> 00:14:07,355 Huh. So you're railroading us out of this neighborhood 259 00:14:07,390 --> 00:14:08,467 over an orange fucking door. 260 00:14:08,491 --> 00:14:09,491 Oh, I love your door. 261 00:14:09,525 --> 00:14:12,459 Gonna paint our bedroom Marigold 142. 262 00:14:12,495 --> 00:14:15,629 And by the time I'm done, a nice normal couple 263 00:14:15,664 --> 00:14:18,165 with two and a half kids will be moving into the Wilberg house. 264 00:14:18,201 --> 00:14:19,633 A... a normal couple? Normal couple? 265 00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:22,903 Yeah, I'm saying I'd rather have a grotesque half-child 266 00:14:22,938 --> 00:14:24,737 lurching around than you three asshats. 267 00:14:24,773 --> 00:14:26,306 Wha... did I seriously just hear that 268 00:14:26,341 --> 00:14:27,874 from a member of our community? 269 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:30,310 You can back that shit up real quick, Polly. 270 00:14:30,345 --> 00:14:33,313 We are not members of the same community. 271 00:14:33,348 --> 00:14:37,483 L.G.B.T.Q. 272 00:14:37,519 --> 00:14:39,898 The... The "G" and the "B" are, like, literally side-by-side. 273 00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,154 So, some chamomile? 274 00:14:41,189 --> 00:14:43,489 We're, uh... that's what we're... 275 00:14:43,525 --> 00:14:47,027 Spoiler alert: Your movie ends badly. 276 00:14:47,062 --> 00:14:48,094 Mnh-mnh. 277 00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:49,729 "Open" is a myth. 278 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:51,831 A toxic, destructive myth. 279 00:14:51,866 --> 00:14:53,333 - I feel sorry for you. - Yeah. 280 00:14:53,368 --> 00:14:54,368 Somebody hurt you. 281 00:14:54,368 --> 00:14:55,935 Wrong. 282 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:58,404 I did the hurting. 283 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,007 So much, and now I get to drag all that behind me 284 00:15:02,043 --> 00:15:05,077 like some backasswards Sisyphus. 285 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:08,414 Fine, but you see us hurting anyone? 286 00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:10,149 Yeah, I do. 287 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,119 So, vodka it is. 288 00:15:16,891 --> 00:15:18,524 Hey. 289 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,261 Whoa. 290 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:25,731 Leave any for me? 291 00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:27,766 Beer or the self-loathing? 292 00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,546 For an alcoholic, they're both one in the same. 293 00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:30,869 I always forget that about you. 294 00:15:30,904 --> 00:15:32,604 That's good, because as a people, 295 00:15:32,639 --> 00:15:35,007 we can be intermittently insufferable. 296 00:15:37,078 --> 00:15:40,879 Up until three hours and... 297 00:15:40,914 --> 00:15:43,715 nine minutes ago, I had the girl of my dreams. 298 00:15:43,750 --> 00:15:45,550 Women started looking at me like I was... 299 00:15:45,586 --> 00:15:47,786 like I was Ryan Reynolds' bigger-boned 300 00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,455 but more approachable brother. 301 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,923 I was $500 richer. 302 00:15:51,959 --> 00:15:53,258 You blew your fortune already? 303 00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:55,660 I gave it all away. 304 00:15:55,696 --> 00:15:57,062 Who does that? 305 00:15:57,098 --> 00:16:01,566 But what good is money if your heart is... is... 306 00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:03,101 It's like that chocolate Easter bunny 307 00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:05,069 you forgot at the back of the fridge. 308 00:16:05,105 --> 00:16:08,239 It's... it's just cold, and it's... it's hollow. 309 00:16:08,274 --> 00:16:11,175 And then when you bite into it, it shatters into a million pieces. 310 00:16:11,211 --> 00:16:12,755 You been saving that one up for a while? 311 00:16:12,779 --> 00:16:14,757 - You might want to put it back. - What the hell did I do? 312 00:16:14,781 --> 00:16:17,616 Why... why... why's she so mad at me? 313 00:16:17,651 --> 00:16:19,362 Just because things are going my way for once? 314 00:16:19,386 --> 00:16:22,587 I mean, my successes are her successes, and vice versa, 315 00:16:22,623 --> 00:16:25,757 because we're... we're a team. 316 00:16:25,792 --> 00:16:28,259 Does she know that? That last part? 317 00:16:28,294 --> 00:16:29,294 Well, we're talking about a woman 318 00:16:29,295 --> 00:16:31,663 who openly refers to me as her slave. 319 00:16:31,698 --> 00:16:33,932 She literally texts me a to-do list every Monday. 320 00:16:33,967 --> 00:16:36,212 I'm... I'm pretty sure she's confident in this relationship. 321 00:16:36,236 --> 00:16:38,503 Yeah, but is she, though? 322 00:16:38,538 --> 00:16:39,870 C... can we... 323 00:16:39,906 --> 00:16:41,484 can we dispense with the leading questions 324 00:16:41,508 --> 00:16:44,842 and get to the hard-earned drunk-pants wisdom? 325 00:16:44,877 --> 00:16:47,845 Okay, coming atcha: In all honesty, 326 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,480 I have never seen a more literal example 327 00:16:49,516 --> 00:16:52,883 of zero-to-hero than you in all my life. 328 00:16:52,919 --> 00:16:54,985 Sorry, and you're welcome. 329 00:16:55,021 --> 00:16:56,687 No worries. Thank you. 330 00:16:56,722 --> 00:16:59,790 She's afraid of any man who has more power than her 331 00:16:59,825 --> 00:17:01,959 because she's been hurt. 332 00:17:01,994 --> 00:17:03,794 Yeah, more like destroyed. 333 00:17:03,829 --> 00:17:05,796 Her first love. But come on, man. 334 00:17:05,831 --> 00:17:08,966 I'm... I'm Shaun the fuckin' bartender. 335 00:17:09,001 --> 00:17:10,633 Even I know I'm an affable dipshit. 336 00:17:10,669 --> 00:17:13,403 Yeah, but that was "Parks and Rec" Chris Pratt. 337 00:17:13,439 --> 00:17:17,340 This is "Jurassic Park" Chris Pratt. 338 00:17:17,376 --> 00:17:19,676 - Ah. - Ah. 339 00:17:19,711 --> 00:17:21,244 Yeah, don't... don't... don't do that. 340 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:22,979 See? I'm an affable dipshit. 341 00:17:23,014 --> 00:17:24,025 I've made peace with this. 342 00:17:24,049 --> 00:17:25,482 You're living the dream, man. 343 00:17:25,517 --> 00:17:26,761 She was the best part of the dream. 344 00:17:26,785 --> 00:17:29,386 And now we've come full circle. 345 00:17:29,421 --> 00:17:31,821 Does she know that? 346 00:17:31,856 --> 00:17:33,490 Oh. 347 00:17:33,525 --> 00:17:35,024 - See? - There you go. 348 00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:38,228 That's a good one. 349 00:17:38,263 --> 00:17:40,830 Ben, you're like Yoda. 350 00:17:40,865 --> 00:17:43,243 You know, if he was a carpenter, which would be more like Jesus. 351 00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:46,235 Holy shit, man, you're Jesus. 352 00:17:46,270 --> 00:17:48,170 Your words, not mine. 353 00:17:48,206 --> 00:17:50,172 Can't wear sandals on a construction site, though. 354 00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:51,874 No, you can't. 355 00:18:03,221 --> 00:18:04,353 Hey. 356 00:18:04,388 --> 00:18:06,188 - What's this? - Oh, this? 357 00:18:06,224 --> 00:18:08,024 This giant contraption that I just hauled in? 358 00:18:08,059 --> 00:18:14,196 Um, well, it's a ridiculously on-the-nose metaphor for a clean slate. 359 00:18:14,232 --> 00:18:16,865 Babe, let's keep this in perspective. 360 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:19,868 All you did was get drunk and egg Lala's door. 361 00:18:19,903 --> 00:18:21,470 I think that it's more than that. 362 00:18:21,506 --> 00:18:24,940 Sometimes an egg is just an egg and a door is just a door. 363 00:18:24,975 --> 00:18:26,275 Okay, Freud. 364 00:18:26,310 --> 00:18:30,279 I don't think that this is one of those times. 365 00:18:30,314 --> 00:18:32,948 I drank my frontal lobe into submission, 366 00:18:32,983 --> 00:18:36,818 and my id shat where I sleep, and I'm gonna wash away the egg, 367 00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:39,721 but I do think that we need to talk about the shit. 368 00:18:39,757 --> 00:18:41,723 What is your shitty id trying to tell us? 369 00:18:41,759 --> 00:18:44,493 Isn't it obvious? She hates it here. 370 00:18:44,529 --> 00:18:47,163 That's not true. 371 00:18:47,198 --> 00:18:49,097 Okay, well, it's not entirely true. 372 00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:53,934 I just think that maybe I'm here sooner than I thought. 373 00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:55,970 We're keeping things to ourselves 374 00:18:56,005 --> 00:18:58,173 to protect our happy ending, 375 00:18:58,208 --> 00:19:00,608 and we're afraid to admit that maybe we don't want 376 00:19:00,644 --> 00:19:05,012 exactly the same things at exactly the same time. 377 00:19:05,048 --> 00:19:07,182 Yeah. Polly foul number 4. 378 00:19:07,217 --> 00:19:10,151 - Oh, fuck that shit. - Yeah, fuck that shit. 379 00:19:10,187 --> 00:19:12,019 What are we? 380 00:19:12,055 --> 00:19:13,521 My dad was right. 381 00:19:13,557 --> 00:19:17,958 Don't tell him that, but someone has to compromise, 382 00:19:17,994 --> 00:19:20,961 and this time it's gonna be me. 383 00:19:20,997 --> 00:19:22,597 Hawthorne Heights is your home, 384 00:19:22,632 --> 00:19:25,265 and it makes sense for you and your babies. 385 00:19:25,301 --> 00:19:26,933 Our... our babies. 386 00:19:26,968 --> 00:19:28,302 Our babies. 387 00:19:28,337 --> 00:19:30,103 You're amazing. 388 00:19:30,138 --> 00:19:33,773 And we are family! 389 00:19:33,809 --> 00:19:35,809 And that's worth fighting for, I think. 390 00:19:39,147 --> 00:19:40,514 Okay, listen. 391 00:19:40,549 --> 00:19:41,848 - Focus. - Dad, you said the thing. 392 00:19:41,883 --> 00:19:43,450 Yeah, well, just focus a little more. 393 00:19:43,485 --> 00:19:44,784 Well, then you do it. 394 00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:45,997 Don't... listen... don't worry about the paint. 395 00:19:46,021 --> 00:19:48,488 HOA list has scads of perfectly good options. 396 00:19:48,524 --> 00:19:50,691 No reason whatsoever to stray outside of it, right? 397 00:19:50,726 --> 00:19:53,126 I was doing one spot just like you said. 398 00:19:53,161 --> 00:19:54,861 Oh, Will, Marty, you're here. Sorry. 399 00:19:54,896 --> 00:19:56,296 Um, could I have a moment? 400 00:19:56,332 --> 00:19:58,831 Thank you for coming. Just hold on one sec. 401 00:20:01,402 --> 00:20:06,038 Okay, um, I want to apologize 402 00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:08,474 for all the trouble that I've caused, 403 00:20:08,509 --> 00:20:10,909 and I'm gonna paint our door one of Lala's colors. 404 00:20:10,945 --> 00:20:12,378 I'm gonna say this real slow 405 00:20:12,413 --> 00:20:14,325 'cause you don't seem to be grasping the concept. 406 00:20:14,349 --> 00:20:16,849 It's not about the fucking door. 407 00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:18,384 That's especially true now that 408 00:20:18,419 --> 00:20:21,220 I filled out a request for Marigold 142. 409 00:20:21,256 --> 00:20:27,260 And, after careful deliberation, I approved it. 410 00:20:27,295 --> 00:20:28,827 Thank you. 411 00:20:28,863 --> 00:20:30,496 We disrespected the community, 412 00:20:30,531 --> 00:20:32,998 and we behaved like we were above it... 413 00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:35,600 or outside of it or whatever. 414 00:20:35,636 --> 00:20:39,271 Look, it's on us to fit in, and I think we know that now. 415 00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:41,470 - However... - You may just want to stop right there. 416 00:20:41,471 --> 00:20:46,711 Almost done. However, you are totally within your rights to bitch 417 00:20:46,747 --> 00:20:48,080 about the color of the door 418 00:20:48,115 --> 00:20:50,182 and anything that happens outside of it, 419 00:20:50,217 --> 00:20:54,953 but what happens inside is none of your fucking business. 420 00:20:54,989 --> 00:20:57,355 - Oh. - Are we clear? 421 00:20:57,391 --> 00:20:59,191 You made your point, Sugar Baby. 422 00:20:59,226 --> 00:21:00,859 Mm, that's gonna stop. 423 00:21:00,895 --> 00:21:02,928 I'm gonna need you to say "We're clear, Izzy," 424 00:21:02,963 --> 00:21:04,396 because that's my name. 425 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:05,898 - We are clear, Izzy. - We're clear, Izzy. 426 00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:07,365 I never had an issue with you. 427 00:21:07,401 --> 00:21:09,267 I know. 428 00:21:09,303 --> 00:21:10,968 I will take that, so, thanks. 429 00:21:11,004 --> 00:21:15,273 Um, one last thing, I want the house, okay? 430 00:21:15,309 --> 00:21:18,310 - I can't fuck this up for them. - Sorry. It's out of my hands now. 431 00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:20,278 Whoa. 432 00:21:20,314 --> 00:21:23,047 Okay, maybe I can make the other offer go away, 433 00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:25,082 but it won't be easy. 434 00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:27,385 Done. Ah, I'm exhausted. 435 00:21:27,421 --> 00:21:28,553 You owe me. 436 00:21:28,588 --> 00:21:30,121 I'm gonna go take a well-deserved nap. 437 00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:31,222 Thank you so much. 438 00:21:31,257 --> 00:21:32,568 Probably not hugging, though, sorry. 439 00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:33,592 - Okay. - I'm hugging. 440 00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:35,393 - Thank you. - Oh, you're a little wet. 441 00:21:35,429 --> 00:21:37,295 Oh, that's not a problem. 442 00:21:37,331 --> 00:21:38,663 I like that big stick. 443 00:21:38,699 --> 00:21:39,964 What's happening? 444 00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:42,399 - Is he in this, uh... - No. 445 00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:44,335 Just gonna ask if he used vinegar. 446 00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:48,839 - Like that? - That's great. 447 00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:05,255 - Hey. - Nope, you just sit. 448 00:22:05,290 --> 00:22:06,523 You can sit. 449 00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:08,859 Cool... we're not, uh... that's how it is. 450 00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:09,894 No hugs. 451 00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:11,428 Uh, sorry. 452 00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:14,130 Um... 453 00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:15,166 Here's the thing. 454 00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:16,799 Um... 455 00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:21,137 There was this very s... specific moment... 456 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,805 the other night when you... 457 00:22:22,841 --> 00:22:25,675 when you joined me behind the hedge. 458 00:22:25,710 --> 00:22:27,410 The Almost Kiss. 459 00:22:30,883 --> 00:22:32,682 I just need to be perfectly clear 460 00:22:32,717 --> 00:22:38,321 that it wasn't that for me. 461 00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,991 But then I... I watched the security footage, 462 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,360 - and I realized that... - You realized it was? 463 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:49,665 For you. 464 00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:51,133 Oh, yeah, yeah. 465 00:22:51,168 --> 00:22:53,068 Look. 466 00:22:53,104 --> 00:22:54,569 We're extremely compatible. 467 00:22:54,605 --> 00:22:57,406 I mean, there's... there's no... there's no denying that. 468 00:22:57,441 --> 00:23:00,409 - B... but... but Nina said... - You talked to Nina about me. 469 00:23:04,581 --> 00:23:08,517 Nina said that it was never about you. 470 00:23:08,552 --> 00:23:13,488 And shitty as that sounds, it's true. 471 00:23:13,524 --> 00:23:16,491 I mean, just imagining any version of my life 472 00:23:16,527 --> 00:23:19,194 without them, it makes me, like... 473 00:23:19,230 --> 00:23:21,096 like, the saddest I've ever been. 474 00:23:23,801 --> 00:23:25,767 That's... that's gonna bruise. 475 00:23:25,803 --> 00:23:28,837 Hmm? 476 00:23:28,872 --> 00:23:32,073 Nothing. 477 00:23:32,108 --> 00:23:34,609 Can we be good? Please? 478 00:23:34,645 --> 00:23:37,512 'Cause I... I'd really like us to be good. 479 00:23:37,548 --> 00:23:40,181 Yeah, yeah. Um... 480 00:23:40,216 --> 00:23:41,750 try this again. 481 00:23:41,785 --> 00:23:43,585 See you at school? 482 00:23:43,620 --> 00:23:45,386 Not if I see you first, nerd. 483 00:24:33,269 --> 00:24:36,003 Jack. 484 00:24:36,038 --> 00:24:39,406 Mom. 485 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:47,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow -