1 00:00:04,196 --> 00:00:08,432 Behold my door, bitche... 2 00:00:08,567 --> 00:00:10,432 Previously on "You Me Her"... 3 00:00:10,437 --> 00:00:13,705 They bought you a door. How, uh, romantic. 4 00:00:13,740 --> 00:00:17,041 It's a beautiful, bright-orange symbol of our love, 5 00:00:17,077 --> 00:00:18,810 and clearly, you don't get it, so shut up. 6 00:00:18,845 --> 00:00:20,444 Do you have any sequel ideas for me? 7 00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:21,791 I mean, you're the writer in the family. 8 00:00:21,815 --> 00:00:23,748 I'd say, that's... 9 00:00:23,783 --> 00:00:28,086 Word around campus is that you're quite suddenly pansexual. 10 00:00:28,121 --> 00:00:30,321 Dare you to ask out the next human who's into you. 11 00:00:30,356 --> 00:00:32,890 - Hey. - Uh, do you want to hang out? 12 00:00:34,828 --> 00:00:36,460 Fuck, I am so sorry. 13 00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:37,907 I'm straight. Like, weirdly straight. 14 00:00:37,931 --> 00:00:39,130 We can still be friends. 15 00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,464 I fucked up so bad. 16 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:42,066 I wish I could just go back in time 17 00:00:42,102 --> 00:00:44,901 and do what I wanted to do in the first place. 18 00:00:44,937 --> 00:00:47,137 - HOA violation? - HOA violation? 19 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,473 Fuck Lala! Fuck Hawthorne Heights! 20 00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:51,908 Any sober second thoughts? 21 00:00:51,944 --> 00:00:54,077 Do you see any sober people around here? 22 00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:57,280 ... 3! 23 00:00:57,315 --> 00:00:59,482 Holy shit. 24 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:13,997 Holy shit, we just egged the holy fuck out of Lala's door. 25 00:01:18,502 --> 00:01:19,969 Fuck! 26 00:01:20,084 --> 00:01:21,550 We should run, right? 27 00:01:21,585 --> 00:01:23,285 - Move your ass! - Ooh! 28 00:01:25,422 --> 00:01:26,922 Oh, my God! 29 00:01:30,627 --> 00:01:33,896 - Shh! - Who's there? 30 00:01:37,235 --> 00:01:38,633 I can hear you! 31 00:01:38,669 --> 00:01:42,071 I'm not afraid to use this paddle! 32 00:01:42,106 --> 00:01:43,638 Wow, that was close. 33 00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:44,907 Did she see you? 34 00:01:44,942 --> 00:01:46,842 No, no, I don't think so. 35 00:01:50,848 --> 00:01:52,280 Oh! 36 00:01:52,315 --> 00:01:55,751 These were good eggs thrown by bad eggs! 37 00:01:55,786 --> 00:01:58,987 A lot of people will go hungry tomorrow for breakfast! 38 00:02:08,832 --> 00:02:12,401 So, how'd I do? 39 00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:15,169 Did I pass? 40 00:02:15,205 --> 00:02:16,605 Did you pass what? 41 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,640 Well, did I prove that I could... 42 00:02:18,675 --> 00:02:20,776 I could do the wrong thing when it's called for? 43 00:02:20,811 --> 00:02:23,011 Uh, the only thing that you proved 44 00:02:23,046 --> 00:02:24,812 is that you throw like a frail child... 45 00:02:24,847 --> 00:02:26,580 that has to throw with his left hand 46 00:02:26,616 --> 00:02:28,816 because his right one is in a cast. 47 00:02:28,851 --> 00:02:31,251 And the child is blind. 48 00:02:31,287 --> 00:02:32,953 Wow, that's it. Thank you. 49 00:02:32,988 --> 00:02:34,655 - You're welcome. - Anything else? 50 00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:37,591 Hmm... nope. Okay. 51 00:02:37,627 --> 00:02:38,959 Interesting. 52 00:02:38,994 --> 00:02:40,461 Well, then. 53 00:02:40,496 --> 00:02:42,930 Yep. 54 00:02:47,537 --> 00:02:50,805 Oh! 55 00:02:53,709 --> 00:02:55,275 You... dick. 56 00:02:55,311 --> 00:02:57,877 Just gonna comb your hair for you. 57 00:03:00,649 --> 00:03:03,483 Okay. 58 00:03:03,518 --> 00:03:05,285 Hey. 59 00:03:05,321 --> 00:03:07,354 You know, even, uh... 60 00:03:07,389 --> 00:03:10,690 even with the whole test-drive thing... 61 00:03:10,725 --> 00:03:12,292 - Yeah. - Yeah. 62 00:03:12,328 --> 00:03:14,962 And, uh, the just-friends handshake... 63 00:03:14,997 --> 00:03:18,298 uh, I had fun. 64 00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:19,866 Me, too. 65 00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:22,802 I haven't said those three words much over the past year. 66 00:03:22,838 --> 00:03:25,705 And, uh... in that exact order... 67 00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:28,408 um... never? 68 00:03:28,444 --> 00:03:29,676 Sad. 69 00:03:29,711 --> 00:03:31,478 Yeah. 70 00:03:31,513 --> 00:03:33,346 Um, maybe we both needed it. 71 00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:36,648 I will... I, uh... 72 00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:39,585 So, see you on the playground. 73 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,653 Not if I see you first, nerd. 74 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,756 - Ooh. Okay. - Yeah, 'cause... 75 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,336 Oh! Ow! 76 00:03:57,372 --> 00:03:59,005 That was my toe! 77 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,406 - Shh! Shh! - What are you doing? 78 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,509 Hey. Shh! 79 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,545 Why is your hair sticky? 80 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,614 Is that egg? 81 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:11,884 What, did you and Nina have an egg fight? 82 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,752 Oh, God, I smell egg hair. 83 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,554 Oh, my God, now I said "egg hair," 84 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,789 and that sounds even grosser than it smells. 85 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,998 What's that smell? 86 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,970 Ow. 87 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,316 Good morning. 88 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,585 Hey! 89 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,486 Coffee me, please. 90 00:04:49,522 --> 00:04:51,789 Look... Egg Head's awake. 91 00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:55,426 Ooh, you look tired, dearest. 92 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:56,994 Nathan and I worked late. 93 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,163 We encountered a box full of shit... 94 00:04:59,198 --> 00:05:01,666 Eggs? 95 00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,434 Very funny. 96 00:05:03,549 --> 00:05:06,250 Of shitty confiscated booze, okay? 97 00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:09,353 And then I woke up between you two. 98 00:05:09,388 --> 00:05:11,155 What kept you out so late? 99 00:05:11,190 --> 00:05:13,323 - What? - You and Nathan. 100 00:05:13,359 --> 00:05:16,526 Oh, just, you know, guiding kids... 101 00:05:16,561 --> 00:05:18,427 - counseling them, if you will. - Mm. 102 00:05:18,463 --> 00:05:20,897 As a guidance counselor, you both guide and counsel. 103 00:05:20,932 --> 00:05:22,532 It's impressive. 104 00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:25,101 Um, can I have the creamer, 105 00:05:25,137 --> 00:05:27,704 - or will there be more waterboarding? - Mm. 106 00:05:27,739 --> 00:05:29,338 And more dental with "Marathon Man." 107 00:05:29,374 --> 00:05:30,685 You know what I could go for is, like, an omelet 108 00:05:31,109 --> 00:05:32,208 - if we had like seven or eight eggs. - Mm, yeah, I love eggs... 109 00:05:32,243 --> 00:05:35,111 fried eggs, scrambled eggs. 110 00:05:35,147 --> 00:05:37,547 Yeah. Do you have any more on your head, by any chance? 111 00:05:37,582 --> 00:05:39,060 Speaking of anything other than eggs, 112 00:05:39,084 --> 00:05:40,283 if you guys are done... 113 00:05:40,318 --> 00:05:41,551 No more yolks. 114 00:05:41,586 --> 00:05:43,186 ... I was going over the, um... 115 00:05:43,221 --> 00:05:44,799 the guest list for the anniversary party, 116 00:05:44,823 --> 00:05:47,390 and I thought... I thought since your mom 117 00:05:47,425 --> 00:05:49,725 is already in town, why don't we invite her? 118 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,460 No. Uh, first of all, there's no way 119 00:05:51,496 --> 00:05:53,362 that Jo just happens to be here, okay? 120 00:05:53,398 --> 00:05:57,233 Gabe lured her here for the sole purpose of ruining my life, so no. 121 00:05:57,268 --> 00:05:58,734 Plot foiled this time, okay? 122 00:05:58,769 --> 00:06:00,760 - This guy is not falling for that shit again. - Are you fucking kidding me? 123 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,205 What's that? 124 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,540 Sheriff Lala is fining us for Izzy's door. 125 00:06:04,576 --> 00:06:07,810 Apparently, Marigold 142 isn't an HOA-approved color. 126 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,144 What? 127 00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:11,447 Where does she get the balls?! 128 00:06:11,482 --> 00:06:13,349 Give me that. 129 00:06:16,020 --> 00:06:18,053 - Fuck this! - Yeah, fuck that. 130 00:06:18,089 --> 00:06:19,655 Fuck it! 131 00:06:19,691 --> 00:06:23,325 We're not just gonna bend over and take it from this... 132 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,894 Draconian She-Devil! 133 00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:28,130 This is America, God damn it, 134 00:06:28,165 --> 00:06:31,666 and that door represents our lives, 135 00:06:31,702 --> 00:06:34,669 our family, and our freedom! 136 00:06:34,705 --> 00:06:37,272 And scene. A-plus on the outrage. 137 00:06:37,307 --> 00:06:39,608 I demand to be a part of whatever revenge 138 00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:41,009 you two are plotting, 139 00:06:41,045 --> 00:06:43,145 but right now, in this moment, I d... 140 00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:46,982 I... I do... I... I... I have to go to work, so... 141 00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:48,250 I love you. Goodbye. 142 00:06:48,285 --> 00:06:50,219 I love you, too. 143 00:06:52,623 --> 00:06:55,257 First, they come for my Binge Club. 144 00:06:55,292 --> 00:06:57,358 - Then they come for my... - Oh, honey, I don't think 145 00:06:57,393 --> 00:06:59,794 you should reference a poem about the Holocaust 146 00:06:59,829 --> 00:07:01,863 when you're talking about an HOA kerfuffle. 147 00:07:01,898 --> 00:07:03,430 Point taken. 148 00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:05,010 No, but someone's got to stop Lala's reign of terror, 149 00:07:05,034 --> 00:07:07,168 and that somebody is us. I'm serious. 150 00:07:07,203 --> 00:07:09,203 Yeah, well, I didn't think we would outsource it. 151 00:07:09,239 --> 00:07:11,172 So, what's the plan? 152 00:07:11,207 --> 00:07:13,307 Good, old-fashioned shoe leather. 153 00:07:13,342 --> 00:07:15,287 We're gonna start a petition for a special election. 154 00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:16,622 Then we're gonna split up and canvass. 155 00:07:16,646 --> 00:07:18,379 I mean, this is about more than just a door. 156 00:07:18,414 --> 00:07:20,547 This is about our right to be edgy. 157 00:07:20,583 --> 00:07:22,383 "Marigold... we won't fold." 158 00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:24,551 What do you think of that? 159 00:07:24,587 --> 00:07:27,889 - It's not bad. - "Marigold... we won't fold." 160 00:07:27,924 --> 00:07:29,723 I've heard worse. 161 00:07:40,369 --> 00:07:43,837 Note to self... drinking confiscated booze 162 00:07:43,872 --> 00:07:46,039 never, ever, ever leads to anything good. 163 00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,409 Unh-unh. No. 164 00:07:48,444 --> 00:07:51,645 I feel like that truth should have been self-evident, 165 00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:54,682 but clearly, it was not. 166 00:07:54,717 --> 00:07:57,050 Not at all. 167 00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:58,385 Um... 168 00:07:58,421 --> 00:08:01,689 So, about last night, as they say... 169 00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:03,357 Mm-hmm. 170 00:08:03,392 --> 00:08:04,758 We didn't kiss, did we? 171 00:08:04,794 --> 00:08:06,159 - What? - What? 172 00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:08,361 No, ew! 173 00:08:08,396 --> 00:08:09,896 No, sorry! Not "ew." 174 00:08:09,932 --> 00:08:14,234 Just... just, uh... just one... just a regular no. 175 00:08:14,269 --> 00:08:17,537 So, then, we didn't really egg a house, right? 176 00:08:17,572 --> 00:08:20,073 Oh, no, we... we definitely did that. 177 00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:22,775 Yeah, no, we did the fuck out of that. 178 00:08:22,811 --> 00:08:25,077 - Shit. - What? 179 00:08:25,813 --> 00:08:29,115 I don't know yet, but there will be shit. 180 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,901 For the record, I hate humming. 181 00:08:48,956 --> 00:08:51,190 Oh, come on, nobody hates humming. 182 00:08:51,225 --> 00:08:53,425 Well, maybe something bad happened to me, 183 00:08:53,461 --> 00:08:55,572 and, I don't know, somebody was humming while it happened. 184 00:08:55,596 --> 00:08:57,429 Aw, that's sad. 185 00:08:57,465 --> 00:08:59,331 I hum when I'm really happy, 186 00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:01,433 and you make me hum. 187 00:09:01,469 --> 00:09:03,735 Oh, right, you didn't brush your teeth this morning? 188 00:09:03,770 --> 00:09:07,206 Not the point I was making, but... 189 00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:09,274 Hey, do you want a ride to work? 190 00:09:09,310 --> 00:09:10,575 I got a crazy busy day ahead, 191 00:09:10,611 --> 00:09:13,411 - but I could easily just swing by... - No, I'm not getting out of bed. 192 00:09:13,446 --> 00:09:16,381 Nice! Oh, stayed in bed 'cause you can. 193 00:09:16,416 --> 00:09:20,284 I can dig that. Oh... hey. Right. 194 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,620 I'm gonna need a rain check on noodle night. 195 00:09:22,655 --> 00:09:24,755 Yeah, totes sad, but I start interviews tomorrow, 196 00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:27,291 and I got a whole stack of résumés to get through, so... 197 00:09:27,327 --> 00:09:28,971 Well, it doesn't matter 'cause the only way 198 00:09:28,995 --> 00:09:30,873 I'd be eating noodles is if you brought them right here. 199 00:09:30,897 --> 00:09:32,397 Cool, cool, cool. 200 00:09:32,432 --> 00:09:33,564 Going after the big white whale, 201 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,878 the stuff of myth and lore... never-get-out-of-bed day. 202 00:09:37,404 --> 00:09:39,037 Well, you know where to find me... 203 00:09:39,072 --> 00:09:41,272 just waiting for someone to realize how empty 204 00:09:41,307 --> 00:09:43,607 and pointless life is without me. 205 00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:45,376 Yeah, you betcha. 206 00:09:45,412 --> 00:09:47,110 Okay, I'll check in with you later. 207 00:09:49,781 --> 00:09:52,382 Well, enjoy walking upright, barkeep, 208 00:09:52,418 --> 00:09:55,252 'cause you're gonna be crawling back soon enough. 209 00:09:55,287 --> 00:09:57,754 Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mm. 210 00:09:57,789 --> 00:10:01,058 Were you just talking to somebody? 211 00:10:01,093 --> 00:10:02,392 What? No. 212 00:10:02,428 --> 00:10:04,894 You didn't just do an evil-villain laugh? 213 00:10:04,930 --> 00:10:06,463 No. 214 00:10:06,498 --> 00:10:08,798 Just... just go. 215 00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,833 Go. 216 00:10:16,141 --> 00:10:18,508 Okay, this might take a while. 217 00:10:18,544 --> 00:10:21,311 Fuck. 218 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,853 Hey, Layne. 219 00:10:30,889 --> 00:10:33,289 Hi, dick. 220 00:10:33,324 --> 00:10:36,325 Suck my balls, Trakarsky! 221 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,527 Fuck you! 222 00:10:46,004 --> 00:10:48,237 Hey. 223 00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:53,576 Did the, uh, class president just tell you to suck her balls? 224 00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,044 It's all good. 225 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:58,814 Just everyone hates the homophobic asshole who fucked over Alex, 226 00:10:58,849 --> 00:11:00,427 and death could come swiftly from any direction. 227 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,817 Okay. 228 00:11:01,852 --> 00:11:04,220 I feel like that's a little bit of an exagg... 229 00:11:07,024 --> 00:11:08,924 Whoa. 230 00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,792 Yeah. 231 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:16,698 Oh, so, this is the petition nobody's signing. 232 00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:19,935 Uh, no, we have gotten off to a bit of a slow start, 233 00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:21,437 but, um, the tide is turning. 234 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,606 You know, once you... with your signature, 235 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:27,009 that pen's gonna turn into a sword of tolerance and freedom. 236 00:11:27,044 --> 00:11:28,744 Oh, I thought it was about your door. 237 00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:30,245 It is about my door. 238 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:31,879 But it's a slippery slope, right? 239 00:11:31,914 --> 00:11:33,448 - Mm. - Yeah. 240 00:11:33,483 --> 00:11:35,416 You have to decide for yourself whether you want 241 00:11:35,452 --> 00:11:38,953 this power-hungry authoritarian to start dictating our lives. 242 00:11:38,988 --> 00:11:40,622 Yeah, see, I'm not really like that... 243 00:11:40,657 --> 00:11:42,290 all political and speechy. 244 00:11:42,325 --> 00:11:43,591 I didn't even vote last time. 245 00:11:43,627 --> 00:11:45,126 Ooh, okay. 246 00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:46,961 Yeah, normally, I would be very upset 247 00:11:46,996 --> 00:11:49,275 by your apathy, but right now, I just need you to sign that. 248 00:11:49,299 --> 00:11:50,643 Can you just put, like, an initials... 249 00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:52,967 or, like, even a smiley face is sufficient. 250 00:11:53,002 --> 00:11:55,236 I really don't want to get sideways with Lala, 251 00:11:55,272 --> 00:11:57,238 and what with Marigold 142 252 00:11:57,274 --> 00:11:59,240 being the official color of swingers... 253 00:11:59,276 --> 00:12:00,642 No. What? No, it's not. 254 00:12:00,677 --> 00:12:02,210 Well, I mean, who's to say? 255 00:12:02,245 --> 00:12:03,778 Me. I'm to say. 256 00:12:03,813 --> 00:12:05,390 That's not... there's no official color of swingers. 257 00:12:05,414 --> 00:12:06,891 They did say that you were gonna get loud and aggressive. 258 00:12:06,915 --> 00:12:08,315 Who's "they"? 259 00:12:08,350 --> 00:12:09,727 What do you mean by "loud and aggressive"? 260 00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:11,218 I'm gonna go now. Okay. Bye. 261 00:12:11,253 --> 00:12:12,653 - "Loud and aggressive"?! - Bye. 262 00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:16,256 I haven't even... "Loud and aggressive"? 263 00:12:16,292 --> 00:12:19,459 Fuck you! I am loud and aggressive. 264 00:12:19,495 --> 00:12:21,928 You know what? I'm sorry. 265 00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:23,330 Sorry I'm late. 266 00:12:23,365 --> 00:12:24,842 Yeah, well, thank God. I was going crazy. 267 00:12:24,866 --> 00:12:26,833 Walk with me. 268 00:12:26,868 --> 00:12:28,402 Wow! 269 00:12:28,437 --> 00:12:30,937 - Oh, that's Dave. - Aww! 270 00:12:30,972 --> 00:12:32,739 He has a gift for flashy apologies, 271 00:12:32,774 --> 00:12:36,443 but there are many, many miles between that man and "aww." 272 00:12:36,478 --> 00:12:38,612 That is so... so... 273 00:12:38,647 --> 00:12:40,079 You know what? 274 00:12:40,114 --> 00:12:41,447 I don't even know, but whatever 275 00:12:41,482 --> 00:12:42,959 'cause what I really need is a signature. 276 00:12:42,983 --> 00:12:44,450 Oh, and we're back to you. 277 00:12:44,485 --> 00:12:46,185 - Okay. - Oh, no, just... just sign it. 278 00:12:46,221 --> 00:12:48,120 - May I read it first? - Why? 279 00:12:48,155 --> 00:12:49,633 Because I want to know what I'm signing! 280 00:12:49,657 --> 00:12:51,357 - But it's me. - Oh, yeah, no. 281 00:12:51,392 --> 00:12:53,270 What do you mean "yeah, no"? Are you kidding me? 282 00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:54,793 Your door is stupid. 283 00:12:54,829 --> 00:12:57,263 There's a reason HOAs create approved-color lists, 284 00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:59,198 and that eyesore is Exhibit A. 285 00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:00,766 What happened to your rebel spirit? 286 00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:03,469 What about any of this screams "rebel" to you? 287 00:13:03,504 --> 00:13:06,606 My God! Slow your roll, Norma Gay. 288 00:13:06,641 --> 00:13:08,307 - I'm bi. - Doesn't rhyme. 289 00:13:08,343 --> 00:13:11,143 This isn't about being gay, bi, poly, or trapezoidal. 290 00:13:11,178 --> 00:13:13,678 This is about you not selecting one of 42 291 00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:16,782 HOA-approved colors... colors you and I voted on 292 00:13:16,817 --> 00:13:18,528 so that people wouldn't trash the neighborhood 293 00:13:18,552 --> 00:13:20,552 with stupid doors like yours. 294 00:13:20,587 --> 00:13:21,820 See, that rhymes. 295 00:13:21,856 --> 00:13:24,223 Izzy picked it. 296 00:13:24,258 --> 00:13:26,158 I forgot about the list. 297 00:13:29,529 --> 00:13:31,130 You know, you are the best 298 00:13:31,165 --> 00:13:34,867 I've ever seen at whatever it is you do. 299 00:13:34,902 --> 00:13:37,870 Is it drawing... buildings? 300 00:13:37,905 --> 00:13:39,504 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. Um... 301 00:13:39,539 --> 00:13:41,306 But this right now... what you're doing now, 302 00:13:41,341 --> 00:13:43,142 the... the whole neighborhood thing? 303 00:13:43,177 --> 00:13:45,377 You don't want to treat this like a corporation, 304 00:13:45,412 --> 00:13:47,345 like, uh, you're leaving a body count 305 00:13:47,381 --> 00:13:50,815 on your ruthless climb to the corner office. 306 00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:53,084 Lala is not the enemy. 307 00:13:53,119 --> 00:13:55,754 Did you know that she owns that little hippie shop on the square 308 00:13:55,789 --> 00:13:58,156 with the soap and the candles and the groovy hemp skirts? 309 00:13:58,191 --> 00:13:59,424 Oh, of course she does. 310 00:13:59,459 --> 00:14:01,559 Okay. 311 00:14:01,595 --> 00:14:03,361 Just try not to destroy anybody, okay? 312 00:14:03,397 --> 00:14:04,596 - Okay. - Snacks are there. 313 00:14:04,631 --> 00:14:06,698 Uh... I'm gonna grab my stuff. 314 00:14:06,733 --> 00:14:07,932 Thank you, thank you. 315 00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:09,834 - Bye, girls! - Bye! 316 00:14:09,869 --> 00:14:11,770 Have a good day! 317 00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:17,175 I miss you. 318 00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:19,711 Poop! 319 00:14:19,746 --> 00:14:23,026 There we go. Callie, you can wipe her butt, right? 320 00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:25,529 Wow, really feeling the secondhand hate here. 321 00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,164 Oh, hear that? 322 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,666 My new-girl card just spontaneously burst into flames. 323 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,236 Look, I got to find Alex. I got to talk to him. 324 00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:35,473 Oh, good timing. 325 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,542 - Hey, man, I... - Hey, fuck you, "man." 326 00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,877 Who does that shit in 2019 Portland? 327 00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:43,425 - Alex, I said I was sorry. I... - Dragging me into your frat-bro scheme 328 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,816 to get the girl or whatever... I mean, that's bad enough. 329 00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:47,384 But egging my house... 330 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,253 You... you egged his house? 331 00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:50,988 - When? - Somebody egged your house? 332 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,236 You scared the shit out of my mom last night, 333 00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,892 you raging psychopath. 334 00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:58,595 At least fucking own it. 335 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,264 Look, this is my problem. 336 00:15:01,299 --> 00:15:04,400 Don't follow me, okay? 337 00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:06,169 Gabriel. 338 00:15:06,204 --> 00:15:08,605 We both know you didn't egg any houses last night, okay? 339 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:09,884 Why didn't you just say something? 340 00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:11,574 Same reason you didn't. 341 00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:13,610 Because I would get high-fives 342 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,578 and... and you wouldn't. 343 00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,749 I'm the asshole here. I knew you were straight. 344 00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:21,118 I dared you to prove you weren't. It's stupid. 345 00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:22,585 Look, I'm not a puppet. 346 00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:24,420 Yeah, but you're a teenage boy, 347 00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:26,790 and it's not, like, that different. 348 00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:29,359 Instead of strings, you have... 349 00:15:29,394 --> 00:15:30,926 you know. 350 00:15:30,962 --> 00:15:32,206 Look, I'll figure something out. 351 00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:33,563 I just... I don't want you to... 352 00:15:33,598 --> 00:15:36,633 "I don't give a damn about my reputation." 353 00:15:36,668 --> 00:15:39,035 - Runaways. - Yeah. 354 00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:46,609 Look, I'll fix this. 355 00:16:05,296 --> 00:16:07,996 This fucking sucks... 356 00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:10,065 mostly. 357 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:21,142 Talk fast. I'm super busy drinking alone in bed. 358 00:16:21,178 --> 00:16:23,778 - It's 12:30. - I'm making a point. 359 00:16:23,814 --> 00:16:26,481 - That your life is really sad? - No. 360 00:16:26,517 --> 00:16:28,183 I'm on a mission to remind Shaun 361 00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:29,851 that nothing matters without me. 362 00:16:29,886 --> 00:16:31,353 And how's that going so far? 363 00:16:31,388 --> 00:16:33,288 I'm getting worried that I could rot here 364 00:16:33,324 --> 00:16:34,634 - and no one would notice. - Okay, back to me. 365 00:16:34,658 --> 00:16:39,194 Anyway, um, remember my boss, Nathan? 366 00:16:39,229 --> 00:16:40,929 - Test-drive boyfriend? - Whatever. 367 00:16:40,964 --> 00:16:44,265 Um, so, last night... 368 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,467 we made some... 369 00:16:46,502 --> 00:16:48,837 not-so-good choices. 370 00:16:48,872 --> 00:16:50,371 You fucked him? 371 00:16:50,406 --> 00:16:52,140 - N... - Whoa, you are terrible, 372 00:16:52,175 --> 00:16:54,375 and I actually, uh, feel better already. 373 00:16:54,410 --> 00:16:56,878 No, I didn't fuck him, okay? 374 00:16:56,913 --> 00:16:58,512 We agreed that we were just friends, 375 00:16:58,548 --> 00:17:01,149 but then was this, like, almost-kiss, 376 00:17:01,184 --> 00:17:03,517 and I'm freaking out about it. 377 00:17:03,553 --> 00:17:05,319 Whatever, it's not about the dude, anyway. 378 00:17:05,355 --> 00:17:07,622 - Explain. - Everything you've said or done 379 00:17:07,657 --> 00:17:09,190 in the past couple of weeks 380 00:17:09,226 --> 00:17:11,558 screams that you are nowhere near ready for the life 381 00:17:11,593 --> 00:17:12,971 that you're literally signing up for, 382 00:17:12,995 --> 00:17:14,394 so you're acting out. 383 00:17:14,429 --> 00:17:15,796 You're, uh, hoping someone else 384 00:17:15,831 --> 00:17:19,133 will make the decision for you. 385 00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:21,468 - Still with me? - Barely. 386 00:17:21,503 --> 00:17:23,003 Just sack up and tell the Griswolds 387 00:17:23,038 --> 00:17:24,315 that you don't want to spend the rest of your life 388 00:17:24,339 --> 00:17:25,639 in Hawthorne Heights 389 00:17:25,674 --> 00:17:27,674 and that you do want to have your own babies, 390 00:17:27,709 --> 00:17:29,910 and maybe let, um, what's-his-penis know 391 00:17:29,945 --> 00:17:31,845 that he's not the one before he says... 392 00:17:31,881 --> 00:17:34,481 - I need you. - Huh? 393 00:17:34,516 --> 00:17:35,816 I got to go. 394 00:17:35,851 --> 00:17:37,584 What? 395 00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:43,356 Gabriel got busted, and Principal Morgan 396 00:17:43,392 --> 00:17:44,891 wants to talk to him right now. 397 00:17:44,926 --> 00:17:46,726 - Why? - Kid named Alex accused him 398 00:17:46,762 --> 00:17:48,561 of egging his house over a bad date, 399 00:17:48,597 --> 00:17:50,997 and there's a petition going around calling it a hate crime 400 00:17:51,032 --> 00:17:54,167 and demanding Gabriel's expulsion. 401 00:17:54,202 --> 00:17:55,702 Shit. 402 00:17:55,737 --> 00:17:57,404 Yeah... 403 00:17:57,439 --> 00:17:59,572 lots of that. 404 00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:17,190 What's all this? 405 00:18:17,225 --> 00:18:19,192 Oh, egg hair. 406 00:18:19,227 --> 00:18:20,759 Huh? 407 00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,195 Uh, somebody egged your house. 408 00:18:22,230 --> 00:18:23,996 Mostly the door. 409 00:18:29,304 --> 00:18:32,104 So, you know Alex just came out last summer, right? 410 00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,773 He doesn't have the tools to deal with any of this. 411 00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:37,043 Oh, you think this is for him? 412 00:18:37,078 --> 00:18:38,410 Are you sure? 413 00:18:38,446 --> 00:18:40,612 'Cause Hawthorne Heights is so progressive. 414 00:18:40,648 --> 00:18:42,215 Oh, you know what they say... 415 00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:44,884 hate hides everywhere... 416 00:18:44,919 --> 00:18:48,120 - sometimes in your own family. - What is that supposed to mean? 417 00:18:48,156 --> 00:18:50,434 Alex went out and hung out with a kid from school last night. 418 00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:51,835 When he came home, he was pissed off, 419 00:18:51,859 --> 00:18:53,892 but he didn't want to talk about it. 420 00:18:53,927 --> 00:18:55,593 And? 421 00:18:55,628 --> 00:18:59,397 And obviously, I went through his phone, saw the kid's name... 422 00:18:59,432 --> 00:19:01,066 Gabriel. 423 00:19:01,101 --> 00:19:03,134 Only one of those at school. 424 00:19:03,170 --> 00:19:05,003 Same last name as you. 425 00:19:08,041 --> 00:19:09,674 Izzy. Izzy. 426 00:19:09,709 --> 00:19:11,442 Hold up. 427 00:19:11,478 --> 00:19:12,777 - Hold up! - Why? 428 00:19:12,812 --> 00:19:14,612 We can't let Gabriel take the fall. 429 00:19:14,647 --> 00:19:16,147 Of course not, but... 430 00:19:16,183 --> 00:19:17,426 but let's hold a beat and think this through. 431 00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:18,661 There's nothing to think about. 432 00:19:18,685 --> 00:19:21,486 Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs. 433 00:19:21,521 --> 00:19:22,999 Well, then I'll tell them it was just me. 434 00:19:23,023 --> 00:19:24,522 No! That's not happening. 435 00:19:24,557 --> 00:19:28,325 Okay, look... you confess, I confess. 436 00:19:28,361 --> 00:19:30,160 No. No. 437 00:19:30,196 --> 00:19:32,430 You have way more to lose. 438 00:19:32,465 --> 00:19:34,799 You sure about that? 439 00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:36,712 Look, the three of you just barely got that loan. 440 00:19:36,736 --> 00:19:38,636 And if they re-verify, 441 00:19:38,671 --> 00:19:41,171 you are going to lose the house. 442 00:19:41,207 --> 00:19:43,974 And I'm not just gonna get fired, Iz... 443 00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:45,643 No one's gonna hire me. 444 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:49,547 Why did I drag you into this? 445 00:19:49,582 --> 00:19:52,683 You didn't drag me into anything. 446 00:19:52,719 --> 00:19:54,952 I... I wanted to be with you. 447 00:19:54,987 --> 00:19:58,122 - Izzy? Izzy! Where the hell have you been? - W... I w... I was, um... 448 00:19:58,157 --> 00:20:00,635 - We were... we were just discussing the... - Oh, we were talking school. 449 00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:02,125 Okay, I don't care. 450 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,060 Um, Gabriel's innocent, and I can prove it. 451 00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:07,531 - What? How? - He was with me... all night. 452 00:20:10,101 --> 00:20:11,701 He's trying to protect me, but fuck that. 453 00:20:11,737 --> 00:20:14,805 I'm nobody's damsel. Look at the time stamp. 454 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,217 Egging happened around 2:00. 455 00:20:16,241 --> 00:20:17,719 Yeah, and we live on the northeast side. 456 00:20:17,743 --> 00:20:20,076 So, he couldn't have done it. 457 00:20:20,111 --> 00:20:21,344 No. 458 00:20:21,379 --> 00:20:24,047 Okay, come with me. 459 00:20:24,082 --> 00:20:26,015 That's what I said. 460 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,826 Dude, what the fuck? 461 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:38,727 I told you I didn't want to talk to him. 462 00:20:38,763 --> 00:20:40,207 - Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Watch it! 463 00:20:40,231 --> 00:20:43,933 Language, please. 464 00:20:43,969 --> 00:20:48,237 I just got off the phone with your grandmother, Sasha. 465 00:20:48,273 --> 00:20:49,672 And she backed you up. 466 00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:53,542 You two are cleared. You got this? 467 00:20:53,578 --> 00:20:56,058 - Yep, thank you, Principal Morgan. - Thanks, Principal Morgan. 468 00:20:58,316 --> 00:21:00,583 I am so sorry. 469 00:21:00,618 --> 00:21:02,418 Still a dick move, using you like that. 470 00:21:02,454 --> 00:21:03,697 Oh, yeah, you're a massive choad, 471 00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,388 no doubt about that, but... 472 00:21:05,423 --> 00:21:07,357 - Choad? - ... I don't know, if I were straight, 473 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:08,958 I'd probably fake gay for her, too. 474 00:21:08,993 --> 00:21:13,061 Oh, my God. That is so weird and flattering. 475 00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:15,531 - I... - Will you please be my gay best friend? 476 00:21:15,566 --> 00:21:18,033 Um, I'll put you on the waiting list, I guess. 477 00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:20,102 It's like we're not even here. 478 00:21:20,137 --> 00:21:21,370 Oh, get used to it. 479 00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:23,138 We reverted to being lamps 480 00:21:23,173 --> 00:21:24,785 and furniture once the threat was gone, so... 481 00:21:24,809 --> 00:21:26,408 Mm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 482 00:21:45,996 --> 00:21:49,797 It's just you. 483 00:21:49,833 --> 00:21:52,467 Mm. 484 00:21:52,503 --> 00:21:54,636 Shaun hasn't realized he can't live without you? 485 00:21:54,671 --> 00:21:56,405 I think this thing backfired 486 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,007 and actually proved the exact opposite. 487 00:21:59,043 --> 00:22:00,509 Okay. 488 00:22:00,544 --> 00:22:02,610 Let's get you up, walk you around a little bit, 489 00:22:02,646 --> 00:22:05,147 break up the blood clots, air you out. 490 00:22:09,653 --> 00:22:11,153 Okay. 491 00:22:11,188 --> 00:22:15,290 So, once you're off the bed for any other reason other than beer... 492 00:22:15,325 --> 00:22:16,758 - Unh, nah. - It's over? 493 00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,626 No, you see, I never lose at Bed Battles, 494 00:22:19,662 --> 00:22:22,430 and lucky for jou, I'm not in the mood. 495 00:22:22,465 --> 00:22:23,764 Okay? So... Ow! Ow! 496 00:22:23,799 --> 00:22:25,466 Mmf! 497 00:22:25,501 --> 00:22:26,945 Shouldn't you be fixing the latest crisis you caused? 498 00:22:26,969 --> 00:22:28,169 Oh, I already did. 499 00:22:28,204 --> 00:22:29,870 I'm still riding the relief buzz. 500 00:22:29,905 --> 00:22:32,139 This is me being here for you! 501 00:22:32,175 --> 00:22:36,444 I'm really struggling to see it that way! 502 00:22:36,479 --> 00:22:39,213 I'm liberating you from a prison of your own making! 503 00:22:39,248 --> 00:22:42,627 Bullshit! You're just annoying me more aggressively than usual! 504 00:22:42,651 --> 00:22:45,553 - Oh! Yeah! - No, no! 505 00:22:45,588 --> 00:22:46,987 - Yes! - No! 506 00:22:47,022 --> 00:22:48,556 - No, no, no! - Yes, yes! 507 00:22:48,591 --> 00:22:49,868 What's that? What's that... sorry? 508 00:22:49,892 --> 00:22:51,324 I can't hear you. What'd you say? 509 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:52,637 I'm better than you at everything, 510 00:22:52,661 --> 00:22:54,327 including being smart and pretty? 511 00:22:54,362 --> 00:22:55,662 Oh, my God, stop. 512 00:22:55,698 --> 00:22:58,999 - You don't need to s... - Yes! 513 00:22:59,034 --> 00:23:02,469 The new Bed Battle champion of the world... me! 514 00:23:04,509 --> 00:23:06,944 You're absolutely certain that this is you helping me? 515 00:23:06,979 --> 00:23:10,025 Yeah. And here's the payoff... you'll never be alone, 516 00:23:10,049 --> 00:23:11,860 and you'll always be needed 'cause you've got me. 517 00:23:11,884 --> 00:23:15,385 Okay, stop threatening me, and get off my bed! 518 00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:17,320 Uh, this is my bed now, loser. 519 00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:20,390 Aah! 520 00:23:45,683 --> 00:23:51,253 Uh, hard fucking lessons, tough love, baby doll. 521 00:23:51,288 --> 00:23:53,856 Stop looking at me like that! You're gonna judge me now? 522 00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:55,157 Jesus Christ. 523 00:23:55,192 --> 00:23:56,403 Maybe I'm saving it for our date! 524 00:23:56,427 --> 00:23:58,393 Did you think of that? 525 00:23:58,429 --> 00:24:00,495 Dick. 526 00:24:03,366 --> 00:24:05,900 So, yeah, that's when Sasha saved us with those selfies. 527 00:24:07,437 --> 00:24:09,437 I'm so happy to have that behind us. 528 00:24:09,472 --> 00:24:12,107 Nah, I wouldn't say it's behind us just yet. 529 00:24:12,142 --> 00:24:13,775 - Well, I would. - Yeah, that's true. 530 00:24:13,810 --> 00:24:15,276 Lala's door didn't egg itself. 531 00:24:15,311 --> 00:24:16,845 No. 532 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,691 I mean, I... I assume it's a kid, right, because honestly, 533 00:24:18,715 --> 00:24:20,949 what adult would do something so idiotic and immature? 534 00:24:20,984 --> 00:24:22,517 - Right. - Mm-hmm. 535 00:24:22,552 --> 00:24:24,097 Certainly not someone in this neighborhood, right? 536 00:24:24,121 --> 00:24:25,419 Oh, no. 537 00:24:25,455 --> 00:24:26,921 Talk about shitting where you sleep. 538 00:24:26,957 --> 00:24:28,222 - It's vexing, isn't it? - Mm-hmm. 539 00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:29,924 I know. We'll probably never know. 540 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,760 It's a mystery for the ages. 541 00:24:31,795 --> 00:24:33,194 - Theories will abound. - Mm. 542 00:24:33,229 --> 00:24:35,929 Podcasts will be produced, probably. 543 00:24:41,671 --> 00:24:44,405 Well, I wonder who that could be. 544 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,440 I don't know, honey. Let's find out. 545 00:24:46,476 --> 00:24:48,543 Why are you guys being weird? 546 00:24:52,348 --> 00:24:53,581 Oh, Iz! 547 00:24:53,616 --> 00:24:55,316 It's Lala, and she brought a movie. 548 00:24:55,351 --> 00:24:57,918 Okay. What kind of movie? 549 00:24:57,953 --> 00:24:59,953 A mash-up of my two favorite genres... 550 00:24:59,989 --> 00:25:02,056 true crime and found footage... 551 00:25:02,091 --> 00:25:05,293 from my neighbor's security camera. 552 00:25:05,328 --> 00:25:06,926 I'll get the popcorn. 553 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:15,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow -