[cow moos]
[instrumental music playing]
[bus engine starts]
FRED [ON RADIO]: What's cooking, fuck chop?
Hey, Fred.
FRED [ON RADIO]: You ready for this?
Deb's pregnant again.
Uh, congratulations?
FRED [ON RADIO]: Hey, how am I supposed to afford a fifth kid?
Christ almighty.
Were you just not careful or?
FRED [ON RADIO]: I don't know.
You know how it is.
Once those bodies start slapping--
Gross.
[laughing]
MICHAEL: Ah.
Fantastic.
[rock music playing]
Wait, what did you mean by cadaver?
Uncle Jesse.
What's wrong with that?
What isn't wrong with that?
It's fucked up.
You're supposed to respect your cadaver.
How was that not showing respect?
Uncle Jesse is the hot uncle.
Michael, back me up here.
What?
On your own, man.
Thank you.
See.
Not everyone is morally bankrupt as you are, Justin.
At least we're taking pictures of him
like that guy from last year. - Oh, my God.
Yeah.
He had to face the family and apologize.
It was a real black eye to the nursing school.
Anyway, so we're dissecting uncle Jesse's pelvis--
Ah.
Let me give you a ride.
It's freezing.
Come on.
Just let me give you a lift.
Do I need to call the cops again, Bob?
Making me work for it, tonight, huh?
[beeping]
Hey, it's Fuck You Bob.
Fuck You Bob.
ALL: Fuck You Bob.
All right. All right.
Dude. Come on.
Shut up.
Why do they call him "Fuck You Bob"?
Wait for it.
You're all strapped in, Bob.
Fuck you.
[laughing]
FRED: Hey, what's your 20?
Uh, I'm just outside the loop.
I've just picked up Bob here, and he gave
me a run for my money tonight.
FRED: That's stubborn old Bob for you.
But tell him Fred says hi.
He can probably hear you.
He says hi.
FRED: Can seven, which means signing off.
Look at him.
He's all tuckered out.
I love Justin.
He's the best.
Yeah.
My last college didn't have a drunk bus.
It's a great idea.
What made you decide to become a bus driver?
This and, uh, nude modeling are the two
highest paying jobs on campus.
No offense, dude.
I think I'd pick the nude modeling.
Less chance of being puked on, I guess.
Maybe.
Justin tells me you're really into film.
I used to take a lot of Polaroids.
Did you study photography?
Photojournalism.
But, uh, I don't, I don't, uh, really do that stuff anymore.
I just transferred here for museum studies.
Our big project this semester is to curate an original art show.
I'm feeling really uninspired.
I'd love to see your work sometime.
So are you seeing someone or?
What?
Oh, yeah.
No.
I just, uh, went through a breakup.
Yeah.
Try nine months ago.
Oh, I knew you were faking.
I'm sorry.
That really sucks.
You guys date long?
Uh, yeah.
Since high school.
Amy applied to KIT, so I applied too.
Planning on getting married and everything.
It's stupid.
I don't think that's stupid.
What?
If I did, I'd tell you.
It's a little stupid.
Whatever.
So what happened?
I mean, after, uh, after graduation,
she moved to New York and said that we
should see other people.
Ugh.
Nine months ago.
Uh, thank you, Justin.
Dude.
Got to get a stick together, right?
You've got to stay behind the-- the-- the yellow line.
My boyfriend broke up with me today.
Hey, do you want some water?
He was, Oh, this is college.
We're not supposed to be tied down.
Fuck him.
Yeah.
Seriously. Fuck him.
I'm trying to drive.
You can't, you cannot touch my arm I--
My stomach hurts.
Here.
Take the water.
I think she likes you.
[laughing sarcastically]
Hey.
Yep.
I know you.
I thought you graduated already.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
No, no, please, please don't throw up in here.
Please.
Please, please sit back.
[farting]
[screaming]
Oh my God.
Oh, she pooped!
She pooped!
Oh my god!
[gagging]
OK.
Put that down.
Take a bite.
Is that bacon on a donut?
It is a caramel bacon donut.
They were out of everything else.
Well, that's, that's awesome.
It's OK.
You're awesome, and I think we should do it.
Let's get a place.
I thought you said you weren't ready.
I am ready, and you're right.
We do, we do work really well together.
[interposing voices]
Cool.
Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too.
Woo hoo!
Is tonight the night?
[music playing]
[SINGING] Lady, you showed me [inaudible]
all the tears you brought me.
Broke my one rule.
You treated me cruel.
[phone ringing]
SISTER: [MUFFLED] Hello.
Oh. Whoa.
You're awake.
Was just gonna leave you a voicemail.
How's it going?
SISTER: Good.
Mom wants you to call her, by the way.
Oh, yeah.
I gotta do that.
SISTER: OK.
So listen, a paid internship just opened up in my office.
Interested?
Dude.
She's gone.
You can't stay in that town forever, waiting,
living with that old loser.
I mean, you graduated.
It's time to just, just come to Chicago and move on.
Please.
Love our talks.
SISTER: Come on.
No, I got to go.
SISTER: Come on.
[instrumental music playing]
Dude.
I really got to pee.
Come on.
Oh, God.
Oh.
My pee always smells like, uh, movie theatre popcorn.
You know, like, fake, hot butter stuff.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I will still crush a bucket of that stuff, no questions asked.
I'm just saying, like, if the ushers
decide to pee in the butter.
How would we ever know?
There's no chance we would know.
I probably have already eaten some usher's piss.
Hey, thank you.
[tv in background]
MAN [ON TV]: Accumulations of up to 10 inches in some places.
Bundle up if you're going out, and make sure to check in
on any loved ones.
Hey, gang.
FRED [VOICEOVER]: Congrats.
You're nearing a milestone in your career
with the campus bus service.
Four years without an incident.
Now if you make it to the end of February
without a traffic violation, fender bender,
or a pedestrian fatality, you'll receive the prestigious all
stars of safety plaque.
Next step is becoming a full time employee.
I'm talking 25 grand a year, health plan, 401k.
Ha.
Keep up the good work.
Sincerely, Fred Quigley.
PS I burped my breakfast burrito into this envelope.
Ugh.
Four years.
FRED [ON RADIO]: So what do you think?
About what?
FRED [ON RADIO]: The all stars of safety.
I won't lie.
It's a pretty big deal.
You get your name engraved on a plaque right next to mine.
That's immortality, assuming you make it.
I hope you're not still thinking about that Amy girl.
Get your head in the game.
Eye on the prize.
Don't want anything happening to my protege.
Protege.
[blows raspberry]
KAT: Maybe she's just being friendly.
I don't know.
If it was a regular smiley face, I'd
give her the benefit of the doubt, but winky smiley face.
The bitch wants to be born again.
What?
She wants to taste the body of Christ, crucify her vagina.
No offense, guys.
Why are we still talking about this?
JUSTIN: Jesus, Kat, tell us how you really feel.
All right.
I feel like she's messing with your head.
I feel like she's playing games, and it's
getting a little masochistic.
I think you were Michael and Amy for so long
that you forgot how to be just Michael.
I'm alone on the bus every night.
I mean, alone alone.
Like, you remember my breakup last summer?
JUSTIN: Hm-mm.
Afterwards, I went and traveled South America
by myself, which was scary.
It was fun.
It was--
Super lonely?
Yeah.
At times, it was, but, you know, the world didn't end.
It's OK to be by yourself.
I don't want you to get stuck in a crappy relationship
for fear of being alone.
Shit. I got to go, guys.
Sorry.
All right.
Well, if you do go to South America.
You can call up one of my cousins.
They'll show you around.
[chuckling]
Ew.
It smells like dookie up in here.
[knocking]
JOSH: Open up.
Open up.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got a keg.
You can't bring a ke--
what are you doing with that, man?
Some freshmen paid me to pick it up for them,
and, of course, the battery died in my car, so--
Dude.
You know, you can go to jail.
Well, if you think of a better way to make $47,
I'd love to hear about it, or if you would just
put in a good word with Fred for me, like I asked,
I wouldn't have to do this.
Fred's not going to hire you back.
Why not?
Josh, you know why not.
It's because I'm a registered sex offender, isn't it?
OK.
Well, it was public urination.
I have a small bladder.
I mean, in hindsight, should I have
found a more discreet location than a Chuck
E. Cheese parking lot at lunch?
Sure, but do I deserve to be branded
a monster for the rest of my life,
because I take a leak in public?
Fuck no. - Uh, whatever.
I don't care.
Just bring it on.
Do it quick, please. - OK.
Thank you.
I don't know why you want to bring a keg of beer
onto a bus full of drunk college kids anyway.
OK.
Put down the ramp.
- No, not for you. - Put down the ramp, dude.
Just get it on.
BOB: Fuck you.
[laughing]
[SINGING] The wheels on the bus go round and round.
ALL: [JOINING IN] Round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round.
All through the town.
AMY: Micheal.
Michael.
ALL: The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish.
Swish, swish, swish.
Suck my dick.
[ringing]
[singing over each other]
FRED: You're my protege.
Fuck you.
Hey.
What the?
Stop the fucking bus.
That was my stop.
Hey, asshole.
Stop the bus now.
[laughing]
Shut the fuck up.
Everyone, shut the fuck up.
Stop messing around with Bob, or you're off the bus.
Bob, you OK?
Fuck you.
[laughing]
You got to stay behind the line, man.
[thudding and grunting]
[MUSIC - REDBONE, "WE WERE ALL WOUNDED AT WOUNDED KNEE"]
[SINGING] We were all wounded at Wounded Knee, you and me,
we were all wounded at Wounded Knee, you and me,
in the name of manifest destiny.
You and me.
[bus engine starts]
It smells like shit in here.
Like, actual shit.
Did you shit?
I'm Pineapple.
You say your name's Pineapple?
Yeah.
The bus service.
They hired me.
To give me a tattoo?
No.
To protect you.
I'm in security.
Oh, dude.
No.
I, I've been doing this for a long time.
That kid was just being a dick.
I-- I really--
I don't need any, you know--
Sure about that, homie?
Doesn't look too good.
Here, try this.
It's witch hazel.
It will help with the inflammation.
You carry witch hazel with you?
Yeah.
Look.
Next time some drunk motherfucker steps you, give
them one of these to the head.
Will stop the fight before it even starts.
Here, try it.
I'm good.
Go ahead.
Hit it.
What the fuck was that bullshit?
Headbutt my fucking hand.
There you go.
It's better than breaking your hand on some joker's face,
'cause then you gotta fuck your other hand,
and that definitely sucks.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Hey, fuck chop.
You didn't leave yet, did you?
No, I'm-- I'm--
I'm still here.
Did you guys hire a, um-
FRED [ON RADIO]: Well, due to last night's incident, which
won't affect your eligibility for the safety award,
so don't worry, we hired a guy at work security temporarily.
He calls himself Pineapple.
Fred.
FRED [ON RADIO]: He's got tattoos covering his face.
Wait till you see this fat fuck.
Fred.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Dude looks like a Darth Maul fucked fat Albert.
I'm not shitting you-- - Fred.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Now, if tons of fun gives you--
Hey, Fred.
It's Pineapple.
You want me to come in there and murder you?
FRED [ON RADIO]: That won't be, uh, necessary.
Uh, you-- hey, you all be safe out there.
You too, Fred.
FRED [ON RADIO]: We joke around here, Pineapple.
PINEAPPLE: Let's go.
FRED [ON RADIO]: I knew you were there.
Yo.
You ever hit it with a passenger?
Usually, just, uh, drive them to the bars and back.
Shit, son.
Do you even know what you missing?
What?
You got a girlfriend?
Uh, yeah, uh, she's in, uh, in New York.
[speaking samoan]
What?
It's Samoan, man.
It means, the net's hanging up to dry,
but it'll be used for fishing again.
Kind of just got to, uh, focus on the road here, man.
My bad.
You do you.
What?
Tell me if I'm off base, but you never shampooed the wookie.
I had a girlfriend for five years.
Yeah, but it didn't mean you got your twinkie stinky.
It's all right, man.
Just own it.
So am I wrong?
Love you. Goodnight.
Love you.
Night.
What's that doing here?
What?
You're poking me with your boner.
I can't really help it.
Then maybe go to the bathroom and jerk off or something.
I have to get up early tomorrow.
Why is premarital sex so wrong, but
masturbating's totally fine?
Because you're the one who has to answer to the Lord
for your behavior, not me.
Night.
So you're a virgin.
Keep it down, man.
Come on.
What is that shit you're drinking?
It smells like absolute ass.
Oh, it's traditional Maui soup.
Pureed seafood, pork bones, some other shit in it.
You want some?
No, I'll pass.
More for me.
So what's Amy doing besides cock teasing in the Five Boroughs?
She's a junior fashion buyer.
She did text me saying she's going to be in town next week,
and there was a winky smiley face involved so.
So that means she wants your dick.
Dude, we gotta get you laid.
Fucking's important.
A buddy of mine, he got married.
On his wedding night, found out she got an inside-out vagina.
What's an inside-out vagina?
Fuck if I know.
He wasn't really taking follow up questions.
You feel me?
A penis?
Could be.
Look, my point is you got to make sure the parts fit
before you commit.
Yo.
Let me get in on that.
Oh, uh, Pineapple, it's Bob.
Bob, that's Pineapple.
Yo, what's up, Bob?
You.
This guy's awesome.
Where do you take him?
If we can actually convince him to get on the bus,
I usually drop him off at the old flour mill.
Oh, yeah, what's over there?
I don't know.
He's definitely not telling.
Apparently, he used to teach art here in the 70s.
No one really knows.
He's kind of a mystery.
Yo.
You see those two girls back there?
If I get them to kiss, you let me get behind the wheel.
Go for it.
Check check.
How's everybody doing out there tonight?
I said, how's everybody doing out there tonight?
[cheering]
Yeah, this is good.
Come on, guys.
Get up.
Damn.
Look, dude.
It's going to happen.
Look.
Going to fucking happen.
Ah, ah.
Aah!
Yo, yo, check it!
Ugh.
[chuckling] This thing handles like shit.
I know.
You get used to it.
Just be careful please.
So you drive the same route, night after night,
over and over?
That's the job.
You ever go off-route?
You're supposed to stay on-route.
What'd you do if I took this bitch on the highway?
I would lose my job and then probably get arrested so let's
not do that.
What the fuck was that?
Frat kids.
Do this a lot?
Pretty much every night
I'm going to ask you a question,
and I want you to answer me truthfully.
Do you want me to murder them?
FRED [ON RADIO]: What's your 20, fuck chop?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, frat row.
FRED [ON RADIO]: 10-4.
Hey, I feel like I may have put too much pressure
on you before about the, uh, you know,
the whole safety award thing.
I'd like to give you some advice that my mentor,
the late great king of the bus jockeys, Alan Clapper,
once gave me when I was your age.
I hope it means as much to you as it did to me.
[farting]
Shit right now.
FRED [ON RADIO]: You get all that, fuck chop?
I'm not even responding to that.
I'm not wasting my fucking time.
Same shit, different toilet, huh?
No, actually, it's more, it's the same toilet,
and it's constantly overflowing.
What time is it?
1:39.
We pass, uh, we pass Zephyr.
There's going to be a lady in a green coat, walking her dog.
Just going to smell its shit.
Swear to God.
Oh, no.
Ugh.
Oh, it's my favorite.
Whoever updates that marquee can't spell for shit.
Free turnovers, yo.
Oh, you see these Christmas lights?
Yeah, man.
It's February.
They're on a timer.
And off.
There's some crazy deja vu shit.
Reminds me of juvie.
You were in juvenile detention?
Yeah, man.
I did a year for B and E back when I was 16.
You must have owned the place.
Nah.
It was the same shit, day after day, over and over.
It was like being stuck in a time loop.
But big-ups to you, man.
I don't know how the fuck you do it.
Trains.
You're going to drive yourself nuts.
You're going to drive yourself nuts obsessing over that text.
What's with the winky smiley face, though?
What am I, what am I supposed to think that she
thinks that that means?
Who cares?
Man-- Forget about it.
I'll see you tomorrow, kid.
Pineapple.
Wait, what, what were you going to say?
Pineapple.
Pineapple, what were you going to say?
Pineapple, come on.
Dude.
You're taking the small shit in your small life
and making a huge deal out of it.
What?
Pineapple.
What are you talking about?
Dude.
None of it matters.
Your job, Amy, the text, college.
None of this matters.
You feel me?
A wise Samoan once said, Change doesn't begin when
you get a knock on your ass.
It begins when you decide to get on your feet again.
Is that another old proverb?
No.
That's Dwayne the motherfucking Rock Johnson.
See you tomorrow, kid.
[phone ringing]
Oh, great.
JOSH: Crap.
TV: Voice assistance by--
This is what's considered fun now?
I can do it all night.
JUSTIN: Aw.
That is a loose septum.
Gonna have to do better than that.
That is the single grossest thing
I have ever seen in my life.
Where's your wallet?
It's right here.
Yo.
Who the fuck took my wallet?
[whistling]
You got mad skills.
Respect. Yo!
Get the fuck out of my face!
Sit the fuck down.
Chill the fuck out.
Jesus.
What do you guys think of him?
I already like him better than I ever liked you.
Nobody messes with you when he's around.
Look at him.
He's like the bro whisperer.
What?
You look high as fuck.
I wish.
Nope.
All Tara.
Who's Tara?
She's a psycho who lives in the dorm room next to Kat.
She has night terrors.
What are night terrors?
It's, like, a condition where you scream
and thrash around your sleep, but you're technically,
like, fully asleep.
We call her Night Tara.
No, you call her Night Tara.
Did it hurt?
Yeah, it fucking hurt, but it's tradition, you know.
Look.
I'm at the shop every day.
Come on and see me. I'll hook you up, all right?
Yeah, sweet.
You guys cool?
Yeah.
Shake.
Hug.
Come on.
Get in there.
All right.
Because if I have to come back here again,
I'm going to rip your fucking arms off.
Yo.
How do you do that?
Do what?
Calm those idiots down.
Ah.
Dude's don't want to fight, man.
They want someone to break it up,
so they save face and still look tough, you know?
You're like Yoda.
If Yoda ate Jabba the Hutt.
I'm just good at talking sense into people, you know?
Hey, you should meet Justin's parents.
They're the last two people on Earth who don't know he's gay.
Well, I'm fine with them thinking Kat's my girlfriend.
Even if she is the spawn of the colonizer.
Give me their number.
I'll fucking tell them. I don't care.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
I'll tell them for you.
- We're not doing this. - Yeah, we should.
- No, we're not doing this. - It's good for the soul.
Shut the fuck up.
I'm really starving.
You wanna jump off?
Here?
There's a [inaudible] around the corner.
Ah, fine.
But I'm never going to eat again.
Bye, Pineapple. - Later, yo.
Bye.
See you guys.
Dude, she was a fucking senior virgin, bro.
Dude, after sophomore year, there are no more virgins.
She had to be lying.
Dude, she's super fucking Catholic or some shit.
Convinced some fucking sorry motherfucker
they should wait till marriage.
She traded in God for Todd.
Dude, don't fucking touch me, bro.
Todd forgives, though.
Todd moves in mysterious ways.
FRAT BOY: Where is she now?
New York?
I don't fucking know, man.
Not on my dick.
It's all too irrelevant to me.
FRAT BOY: What the hell was her name again?
Jamie.
No, wait.
Amy.
Yeah, that's it, dude.
I'm sorry, Bob. You're good.
BOB: Fuck you.
See you, Bob.
You're doing all right?
You look whiter than usual.
That guy in there, Todd.
He had sex with Amy.
Amy?
Amy who?
Argh.
Amy?
TODD: Let's fucking go, bus bitch.
Are we going to fucking move or what?
You want to hurt that guy, don't you?
Headbutt him.
That's your answer to everything.
Because it works.
Don't worry about his boy.
I'll take care of him.
Argh!
At some point, you're going to have to make an actual decision
in your life.
Might as well go in there and headbutt Todd.
I don't think you know me well enough to be saying that.
I had you figured out the minute I met you.
Now, get in there and headbutt that smug motherfucker.
Move.
The fuck's your problem, bro?
Um, there's no open containers on the bus.
Sorry.
[laughing]
TODD: What a fucking loser.
Finally.
Yo.
You going to eat that?
Man, don't you fucking text her.
This guy is just like the complete opposite of me.
I don't understand.
I gotta know if they hooked up before or after we broke up,
and that's it.
You think she's out there thinking about you?
She's not.
She's probably fucked 10 more guys by now too, man.
So how come you never left Kent after all that went down.
Hmm.
Nothing better to do.
That's a stupid answer.
Why?
Why are you here?
Why would you leave a tropical paradise for Ohio?
KIT's got a sick ass nursing school.
Nursing?
Sick ass.
That's awe-- that's awesome.
My professors, they told me I was
going to scare the patients.
Whatever.
So you, you dropped out?
No, I left when my lady got pregnant.
Wait.
You have a kid?
Yeah, man.
She's going to be 11 this month.
I'm just fucking with you.
That's her.
How fucking old are you?
Are you and the mom still, uh, cool or?
Nah.
Katie lives with her up in Cleveland,
but I still support her.
That's why I got the job protecting your bitch ass.
What is, what is, can we, think about--
She's cool with it.
She's used to it, anyways.
Sometimes her classmates make fun of her,
but she's tough like her old man, you know?
I guess you sticking around makes sense, too.
I wouldn't want to leave the carefree college days neither,
you know?
Not really like that.
I mean, when everyone else was studying abroad or partying,
I was usually just driving the bus,
or I was with Amy, watching the fucking
"Notebook" or something.
What do you have against Ryan Gosling, yo?
Nothing.
He's fine.
God damn right.
He's super fine.
And sexy.
So why'd you stick around?
You're like a ghost, man.
You're not living in Kent.
You're fucking haunting it.
Look.
What you need is a do-over.
You see those 40s over there, grab two bottles,
and let's dip.
No.
I'm not st-- stealing 40s with you.
You want a fucking do-over?
It starts with those two bottles.
Grab the two bottles and let's dip.
The guy's right her-- right there.
He's sleeping.
He won't even miss it.
Quit being a bitch, grab those 40s, and let's dip.
Go.
OK.
Fine.
Yeah.
[upbeat music intensifies]
FRED [ON RADIO]: Hey, keeping it safe out there, fuck chop?
Yeah, yeah, Fred.
You know it.
Hey, Fred!
Who's the fuck chop now?
No, no, no, no, no no!
Absolutely not! No, no, no, no.
Pineapple, I'm still driving.
Stop.
Fuck you!
FRAT BOYS: Fuck you!
Wait, wait.
Why are we doing this again?
Ladies love it.
Here. Swish.
Swish with this.
So you took all these photos?
So that's Amy.
Damn, son.
Now I get it.
Come on, man.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it now.
I'm ready. - OK.
So in ancient times, they used to pierce three times
to reach a higher plane of consciousness
and to speak with gods.
Is that gonna happen with me?
Fuck if I know, but you'll be an A plus muff diver.
OK.
Stick out your tongue.
Is this gonna hurt?
Not if you hold still, fucker.
Ow.
What did I just say?
[muffled speaking]
Stick your tongue out.
Here you go.
OK.
One.
Two.
[MUSIC - DEATH, "KEEP ON KNOCKING"]
Ahh!
[inaudible]
[screams] Ow!
Hey, why are we yelling?
Oh, nope.
I don't like blood.
No, no, no, no.
No.
What the fuck was that?
Oh, man.
We almost got it.
What? I'm done.
That hurt.
Yo, Ted.
What's up?
Yeah.
We just got here.
Oh, and I got a homie with me.
Yeah.
I'll be right up.
Yeah.
He said it was cool, man.
All right.
He know I'm here?
Yeah.
What the fuck was that?
Argh.
College kids.
They do this all the time.
MICHAEL: Oh, shit.
Pineapple, what the hell is this shit?
Argh.
God damn nerds.
Yeah, it's right here.
Check out her special lot.
God damn it.
Come on.
Jesus.
Son of a b--
Oh, hey.
Come on in.
Just threw in some bagel bites.
So how you been, man?
Pretty much incredible.
Like, making bank nonstop without even really
trying, which is awesome.
How about you, hot topic?
Still, uh, living without regret, or not so much?
What's up with sugar smacks?
Ah, man.
He's cool. He's with me.
If you say so.
I like your, uh, your place.
It's cool.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool.
What do you, um--
what do you do with all this stuff usually?
eBay mostly on the deep web.
Yeah.
You name it.
Devo Ted has got it.
Yeah.
You want illegal fireworks?
I could take down Key Tower with what I'm packing.
Laffy taffy?
Turkey jerky?
I could choke out a bear with what I got up in here.
Energizing body wash?
You won't sleep for weeks, bitch.
What is, what's this thing?
Oh, that is the Flinger.
It's a three-man water balloon launcher.
We used to mount one to the window
and launch canned hams at my mom's boyfriends.
The sound they made when they hit the pavement
was like a Hollywood punch.
No way.
You calling me a liar?
Dime bad, right?
PINEAPPLE: Yeah, man.
What's-- what's "Dev-o?"
"Dee-vo."
Devo Ted.
Devo, the seminal art punk band that began one town over.
That-- that one.
That's who you're talking about?
Ring a bell?
Oh, oh, I saw the thing with the-- the-- the flower
pots on their head.
Dude.
I'm sorry.
Devo fans hate it when you only know
them from the "Whip It" video.
I will fucking stab you.
Yo.
Then you can forget about the bagel bites.
Dude.
We're going to bounce.
Thanks, man.
Wait, whoa, whoa, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
Slow down, Tokyo Drift.
Cop a squat.
Sit a spell.
Oh.
No, thanks.
We've gotta go.
We have an, we have an early.
Not to shit on your generation, but your generation
basically sucks ass.
It's like a bunch of zombies staring at their video games
or into their phones. Hang on.
I got a text message.
I think it's Karen.
We got doodads and widgets of the wing wang.
We've devolved as a species.
That was Devo's whole message, de-evolution.
Their message is more relevant today than ever.
I mean, think about it.
They go out on "Saturday Night Live," and they're just like,
wake the fuck up America.
That was their whole thing.
Freedom of choice.
That's what we got.
I mean, look at this fucker.
Are you kidding me?
I just realized your, your hand, your hand tattoos.
That's clever.
The fuck is Celine Dion talking about over here?
You don't?
Are you serious?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Look.
Put your hands together, dude.
Devo Ted.
Devoted.
Holy-- Devoted.
How incredible is that?
You've got to see what my knuckles
said, hiding in plain sight.
You don't get stuff like my new friend.
Oh, God.
That's cool.
No idea.
He's out.
Let's go.
Grab it.
I'll be right back.
Wait.
That's his bedroom.
What, no!
Pineapple!
He has a lot of cameras and stuff in here.
He won't even miss it.
Jackpot.
Let's go.
Hurry up. It's freezing.
MICHAEL: I got it.
I got it.
Spiral!
How loud is this gonna be?
That's so loud.
This is awesome.
Thank you, Devo Ted.
Thanks, Devo Ted.
We love you.
BOTH: Devo Ted.
Devo Ted.
De--
Hi, ma.
Hey.
[non-english speech] There's something
that I want to tell you, right?
Um, as much as I love you, and I respect your opinions,
I also know how, judgemental you can be, and--
God, I don't know how to say this.
Um, I just-- what the fuck?
Dude.
Your son's a homo.
Yeah.
Homo.
Oh, you knew?
Yeah, this is Pineapple.
Yeah, that's my name.
Just like the fruit.
Yeah.
Justin's gonna be OK, you know?
[non-english speech]
What did you say to them?
Your parents are rad.
We got a lunch date next week.
Well, you have to come out to celebrate with us tonight.
Oh, yeah.
It's our friend Eric's birthday, or his roommate's.
I don't remember.
Either way, the point is it's a party.
And this bitch is getting crunk.
Woo.
Got to work, sorry.
Oh, you suck.
Let me know if you guys need a ride later on.
Go to the party.
What about the bus?
- I'll handle the bus. - All right.
Tick-tock, ladies.
Go ahead without me.
I'll catch up. - OK.
Bye.
If Fred finds out, I'm gonna lose my job.
Who the fuck cares?
I care.
Do you?
Do you really care if you lose this lame ass job?
All right. You know what?
Actually, I'm going to run.
I'll see you.
Bitch.
Fine.
You sure you can handle her on your own?
[chuckling]
Kat, wait up.
[phone rings]
So how's your, uh, how's your museum project going?
It's all right.
It'll come together, or it won't.
I don't know.
Either way, I just, I don't wanna think about it.
Sorry. Am I keeping you up?
Uh, no.
No, sorry, uh, Night Tara is.
Ha.
She was brutal last night.
How do you do that?
[laughing]
Of course.
Hey, hey.
Drunk bus.
Someone get this guy a beer.
Do you know these people?
Your boyfriend, he saved my life.
Probably just doing my, my job or whatever.
Hey, hey.
You made it.
Wait.
Who's driving the bus?
ALL: [CHEERING] Drunk bus!
Great shot, kid.
One in a million.
Two people who love Star Wars.
What are the odds?
BOTH: Never tell me the odds.
ALL: [SINGING] Happy birthday--
I forgot this was a birthday thing.
Me too.
ALL: [SINGING] Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Todd.
Happy birthday to you.
You're all the friends I never fucking wanted.
I mean that.
Now let's get fucked up!
[cheering]
What the fuck are you doing here, bus bitch?
Ow!
Fuck!
Ow!
My fucking nose.
It hurts so bad.
Yo.
What did you do to my boy, Todd?
My fucking nose.
My f-- Ow!
Fuck!
Pick me up.
Fucking bitch.
Get me out.
Get me outta here Take me fucking outta here.
Get me the fuck outta here.
[bus hooting]
How'd you figure out the marquee?
I've got mad skills, homie.
Holy shit.
What happened to your face?
I ran into Todd with my head.
Oh, awesome.
So how was it, killer?
It fucking hurts.
It hurts so bad.
How do you do that?
You're supposed to use your head, not your face.
I broke his nose.
Oh.
Fuck yeah.
Ah, come on, dude.
Fuck chop nothing to fuck with.
Kat got all freaked out.
Everyone else got all freaked out.
It was awful.
Ah.
Don't worry about that, man.
At least you'll have a kickass story about that scar.
You're going to need stitches, homie.
I'd do it myself, but I ain't got anything on me.
Hey.
Totally interrupting, um, I could do you back in my place.
Uh, sorry.
[inaudible]
I'm a nursing major, so I could stitch
you up if you want skip the ER.
No, I'm good, thanks.
Cool.
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Shh.
Dude.
I just want this night to be over.
Do you want to be a virgin forever?
Shh.
Come on.
Shh.
I don't even know this girl.
She doesn't really seem like my type either.
Virgins don't have types.
Now, listen, you're going to go back with that girl.
She's going to stitch your face, and then she's
going to sit on your face.
And listen, when you're doing it,
focus on something in the room, all right?
You don't want to blow your wad too soon.
Hey.
Seriously, let me look at that.
Come here.
What'd you do?
See.
It's not so bad, right?
Imagine how good I'd be if I didn't have any beers.
What?
I'm joking.
I only had four.
Oh, right.
So you like Sister Oblivion?
Yeah.
Hank's my fave.
I used to be into crap like that?
Yeah?
Like what?
Photography, sort of.
Cool.
What kind?
Just Polaroids, but my camera broke.
I never fixed it.
Why not?
Oh.
I don't know.
I don't why.
I just didn't feel like doing it--
Sounds like you're depressed.
Ow. Ow.
Oh. Sorry.
I don't feel depressed really.
None?
Yeah.
Oh.
Good?
All better.
All right, so I'm on the pill, but I won't be offended
if you use a condom, OK?
Oh, um, OK.
You cold?
What?
No.
Why?
'Cause you're shaking.
So good.
OK.
Did you just come?
I, I'm so, I'm, I'm so sorry.
It's OK.
Just finger bang me, and we can try again later.
Oh, OK.
Li-- like that? - Yeah, but shh.
Shut up.
Sorry.
Shh.
[snoring]
I want you inside me.
What?
Are you OK?
PINEAPPLE: Remember to focus on something in the room, yo.
Fornicate this woman.
She needs you.
Yeah.
This feels great.
That feels so good.
Yeah.
That feels so good.
Too much.
Too much, no.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
What?
Do it just like that.
KAT: [KNOCKING] Shut up!
Tell them to fuck off.
Fuck off.
Yeah.
Why are you doing this to me?
Say my name.
KAT: Tara.
Shut the fuck up.
I'm trying to sleep.
Tara?
She's Night-- she's Night--
Night Tara?
You're an asshole.
Sorry.
Didn't mean to wake you.
[screaming and yelling]
Coming.
My God.
I'm sick of this.
Just you?
Yeah.
Dime bag, right?
The hell happened to your face?
You don't wanna know.
Looks like Pineapple's work.
Yeah.
Kind of.
So whose idea was the fireworks?
Yeah.
I know about that, you little shit ball.
It was Pine's idea, wasn't it?
You can't trust that dude as far as you can throw him.
He's probably been telling you all sorts of shit
about Samoa, too.
What?
He's from Buffalo.
I think one of his grandparents might
have lived in Samoa or New Zealand a million years ago.
What?
What are you talking about?
Ask him.
He didn't get those tattoos in some ancient island ceremony.
He got them at Show Us Your Tats.
It's like the Supercuts of tattoo parlors.
I don't even think he's seen an ocean up close.
Wha-- no.
Why would he lie about that?
Look.
Everyone's got their reasons, man.
Looking like he does, he gets to be special.
He gets to be Pineapple, the punk rock Samoan.
When deep down inside, he knows he'll always basically
be Greg, the deadbeat dad, the nursing
school dropout from Buffalo.
No.
He se-- he sends money to his kid every week.
Yeah, and I got a 9-foot dingle dangle.
Here.
It's on our mutual friend.
Well, I'm going to go.
Uh, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
Ah.
I can make us some bagel bites.
Bagel bites sound good?
It's like a small bagel pizza [inaudible]..
It's nice.
All right.
I thought so.
That's my guy.
You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.
I didn't always have my shit together.
Yeah.
They'll tell you to graduate, get a job,
marry within or above your socioeconomic bracket.
Next thing you know, you're saddled with a mortgage,
and you're passing all this shit your dad laid on to you
on to your own kid.
The American dream.
Just add water.
Oh, fuck the world.
So how was it last night?
Oh, it was great.
Woke up in the middle of the night with her on top of me.
One minute we're doing it, the next she's
scratching and flailing around in my face,
screaming like a fucking psycho person.
Freaky deaky.
Freaky.
Felony.
Who's to say?
Bob, will you get on the bus?
It's freezing.
Damn.
Dude doesn't give a fuck.
Bob, will you just get on the bus, please?
Fuck you.
You know what?
Fuck you, Bob.
I think this is all an act.
Do you hear me?
If I'm wrong, tell me different.
I'm not buying it anymore.
Dude.
Lay off.
Give him a break.
No.
You know, I think he's a fucking liar like you.
What?
If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong.
Fuck you.
You know what?
I'm done with this guy.
Yo.
You going to tell me why you called me a liar or what?
Give me the phone, Pineapple.
You're texting Amy?
Come on.
Give me my phone now, please.
No.
You can't be trusted.
You want to talk about trust?
You pressured me to go to that party,
which was a complete disaster.
Then you tell me that I need to get laid,
which is an even bigger disaster.
I didn't hold a gun to your head.
God.
You're just this massive pile of walking bullshit,
and you tell me to make decisions and do things.
You don't fucking do anything.
You could be saving lives, but you
just fuck around and get high.
In Samoa, there's a saying.
[samoan]
[mocking samoan] Shut the fuck up.
No one cares. - No.
You're wrong.
You're not even from Samoa.
You've never even been there.
Who told you that?
Let me guess.
It was Devo Ted, wasn't it?
That mother fucker is responsible for--
Oh.
What do you know about responsibility?
Plenty.
That's not what I heard.
What'd you hear?
Just give me my phone.
Give me my phone, and I'll tell you.
What'd you hear?
Yo.
Dick.
What'd you hear?
That you're a fucking deadbeat dad, OK?
What the hell, man?
What the-- Pine, stop.
You want to lecture me about responsibility?
Try working two fucking jobs, living in a shithole
just so my kid could eat.
I may not be first generation Samoan, but I love my daughter!
OK.
PINEAPPLE: I don't need this.
MICHAEL: Look.
I know about Todd.
AMY: Who?
MICHAEL: The guy that you had sex with.
Is he a Ginger?
Yes.
OK.
So we, we talked once at a party after we broke up,
but that was it.
You seriously think I would lose my virginity to a stranger?
Look.
I-- I felt so bad.
I-- I feel so bad about what happened with us.
Michael, I knew you were never going to move to New York.
You never asked me.
Come on.
Be real.
You're terrified of the unknown, and you can't make
a decision to save your life.
That's not true.
Uh, when you texted me back, how long did it
take you to actually hit send?
It's who you are, and that's OK.
You would have hated New York.
It's not for everyone.
Not even me.
I thought you loved it there.
I did.
I did, but everyone and everything moves so fast,
and I missed home.
And I missed you.
And I got fired.
Yeah.
I didn't want anyone to know.
It's been a rough couple of months actually.
So with my tail tucked between my legs, I am moving back.
So I've got a couple of job leads,
and my parents are going to float
me till I get back on my feet.
Are you going to make me say it?
Say what?
I was hoping we could pick up where we left off.
Where we left off was you breaking my heart
and fucking another guy.
I just said that that wasn't true.
I'm serious about setting down roots.
You know, here with you.
And I've given it a lot of thought,
and I think we should have sex.
Not, not like now.
I know.
But yeah.
Soon.
I can be at the Student Center tomorrow around 11:30.
If you want some company on the loop.
I can bring an overnight bag.
Oh.
What about, like, the-- the-- the Lord?
Oh.
Yeah.
I've, I've thought about that too.
I think He would prefer that we do it than with some strangers.
Especially, you know, since we're back together.
Are we back together?
FRED [ON RADIO]: Hey, you sitting down?
Yeah.
I'm driving.
FRED [ON RADIO]: I just got some bad news.
You're sitting, right?
Fred, I'm really not in the mood.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Fuck You Bob.
He died last night.
They found the poor guy frozen to death
like a bearded Popsicle on the side of the road.
The battery in his wheelchair must've gave out.
Guy had no family.
It's a real shame.
Circle of life, I suppose.
Everyone, get off the bus.
Get off the bus now.
I'm not kidding.
Get off my bus.
Sorry, yeah.
Get off the bus.
This god damn kid.
Ah!
Get off the bus!
What are you?
A zombie?
Get off the fucking bus!
Are you on or off?
I want to see how this plays out.
Where are we?
Damn it!
Why would I leave him out there like that?
I'm so stupid.
Uh, this is all my fault.
You're giving yourself way too much credit.
Dude was old as fuck.
This is not a joke.
I'm talking about someone's life.
Yeah.
It was his choice.
He decided that.
Now what the fuck are we doing here?
I don't know.
I just-- I--
I know nothing about the guy, and now--
and now he's dead because of me.
Look.
Maybe Fuck You Bob was Fuck You Bob just to get through life.
You know, some of us lie.
Some of us say fuck you to everybody.
Some of us drive around in circles.
You feel me?
All right?
OK.
Move.
Yo, dude.
Come over here.
Did he do all this from memory?
Holy shit.
Yo.
Check this out.
Your nipple looks like a ball sack.
That's accurate.
Man, Fuck You Bob was one sick puppy.
He had a name.
Robert Birch.
I like Fuck You Bob better.
Man, I wonder what's going to happen to all of these.
He had no family, right?
I don't know.
I'm guessing the state of the school's going to toss it all.
Man, fuck that.
Yeah.
You know what?
Fuck that.
Hey, come here.
Oh, my God.
What do you want?
Just come here.
We're busy.
What?
I said we're fucking busy.
Doing what?
What do you want?
I got to show you something.
What is it?
Just ca-- can you come here?
Can you trust me, please?
Can you do that?
You're not gonna smash our faces in, are you?
No.
I promise I will not smash your faces.
He shouldn't have to say it.
All right.
We got nothing better to do anyway.
This is--
It's beautiful.
Who did this?
Robert Birch.
Who?
Fuck You Bob.
He died last night. - Wait.
Are you serious?
What?
We found his place, and we found all of his paintings.
He wasn't an ass--
I mean, he was an asshole, but he was an artist too.
What about you?
What?
Are you an asshole?
Nah.
I see you more as a douche canoe.
You know what?
That's it.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Fuck chop.
I'm getting no-show calls up the corn hole.
You know, if-- if-- if what I'm hearing turns out to be true.
You can kiss that $25,000 job goodbye, mister.
Yeah.
Relax.
I'm on the loop.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Relax?
You're my protege.
I've been grooming you to take over one day.
Ignite your future, like I did.
You know, it's not so bad.
What's not that bad?
FRED [ON RADIO]: This job.
This town.
There a lot worse places to end up
than running the campus bus service at Kent
Institute of Technology.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe I've wasted my life.
I didn't say that.
FRED [ON RADIO]: You didn't have to.
I-- I-- I read subtext.
Subtext?
FRED [ON RADIO]: Truth is.
I haven't been happy in a long time.
Sometimes, I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.
Fred, what was that noise?
FRED [ON RADIO]: You mean the cocked Ruger GP 100
Revolver aimed at my temple?
Fred, that's not funny.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Fuck chop, thanks
for giving me the courage to do what I'm about to do.
Tell my family, I--
I don't know, just--
Fred.
FRED [ON RADIO]: FRED: Tell them I wasn't all bad.
Fred. FRED [ON RADIO]: Tell them.
[gunshot]
What the fuck?
What the fuck did you say to him?
I don't know.
I didn't, I didn't tell him anything.
Fuck.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Gotcha, ya buttholes.
It was a sound effect on my computer.
Here.
Listen.
[gunshots]
I'm embarrassed for you.
Ugh.
Falling for that.
Game's got to respect game.
Yeah.
Fuck that guy.
It was real fucking funny.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Ah.
Absolute buttholes.
Yeah.
Let's go.
On my mark.
Three.
Two.
One.
Good shot.
Ah.
Yeah.
Nice shot.
The radio, the radio.
Yeah.
Fuck you.
Get the ham.
That's nasty.
OK.
Go.
Yo, guys. What the fuck?
My house, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
Oh my God.
Huh? What?
Where you going?
Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa. What's happening?
What's this?
Oh, we're pretending to kiss for our friends.
I think they're rooting for us.
Oh, hey, look.
BOTH: Aw.
How much longer do you think we have to do this for?
Um, it's kind of like 10 seconds.
You sure?
No, get the fuck away from me.
I haven't done that much damage since they popped their VP.
Didn't he cry afterward?
Yeah.
He told me he loved me.
See you guys.
So if you ever figured out whether or not you're
an asshole, you should call me.
Oh, wait.
I thought you should have this.
Thanks.
Will you two fuck already?
You shut up.
[phone ringing]
Oh, shoot.
That Amy?
Yeah.
Well, that's awkward.
Keep in mind, kid.
That girl wants to fuck one thing and one thing only.
It's your head.
Hey, Pineapple.
Was that true what you told me at juvie?
Uh, cracking out because of the repetition?
Yeah, man.
It was.
How'd you learn to, like, live in a time loop?
I didn't.
I broke out.
Really?
So you're like a fugitive?
Everyone's a fugitive for something, kid.
See you tomorrow.
Don't do anything stupid.
Or you know what?
Do something stupid.
I don't give a fuck.
I left something up there for you.
Is it stolen?
[MUSIC - DEVO, "GUT FEELING / [SLAP YOUR MAMMY]"]
Fucking bus bitch.
FRED [ON RADIO]: Hey, what's your 20?
Why aren't you stopping for pick pus?
Fuck chop!
Michael!
What the shit!
[phone buzzing]
Fuck chop, can you hear me?
Don't think I won't fire you, Michael.
Fuck chop!
The safety--
[phone buzzing]
Josh, what's your 20?
Come on.
Where you at, Josh?
Are you taking a wiz there, bud.
Shit!
FRED [ON RADIO]: Josh where you at?
[inaudible] Josh!
Hello.
DEB [ON PHONE]: Hey, honey.
Oh hiya, love bug.
DEB [ON PHONE]: How's work?
I'm killing it, as per use.
How was the baby doctor?
DEB [ON PHONE]: Are you sitting down?
Of course, I'm sitting.
What else would I be, uh--
DEB [ON PHONE]: Have you eaten yet?
Yeah.
I, uh, did just eat dinner, but I
don't see how that's relevant.
DEB [ON PHONE]: So we're having twins.
Twins?
DEB [ON PHONE]: Fred?
Yeah, yeah.
Just give me one second, please.
OK?
Fuck!