♪ I've been called by this feeling
♪ It's calling me into the void
♪ With nothing to believe in
♪ And nothing to call my own
♪ I've been called by this feeling
♪ I've been called I've been called
♪ I recall, I recall
♪ I've been called I've been called
♪ I've been called by this feeling
♪ It's calling me into the void
♪ With nothing to believe in
♪ Nothing to call my own
♪ I've been called by this feeling
♪ I recall, I recall
♪ I've been called I've been called
CASSIDY: Come on, man. It's gonna be fun.
A little dancing, a bit of music.
Besides, you look good.
You look like a dead ringer for Gene Kelly,
if he'd been struck by lightning.
GOD: Gene Kelly.
I could tell you stories about Gene Kelly.
Well, I'm out of time.
Don't wanna miss the show.
Christ, what... What is this?
Why all the bells and bagpipes?
Why not just blow it up and end the world yourself?
Well, that's cheating.
You all have to play your part.
Free will.
That's the fun.
♪ I've been called by this feeling
He likes to watch.
♪ With nothing to believe in ♪
ANNOUNCER: Who's ready for their Messiah?
Go on. But I'm telling you,
the parents will not be happy.
Looks like someone brought a gun to a knife fight.
Knoxville, Tennessee.
Waitressing, substitute teaching.
Whatever.
My real job was rum and Cokes and making bad choices.
Sleeping with cops,
dealing weed to eighth graders.
I was lost.
Until I met Klaus.
Saw his strength,
his humorless cruelty, and I...
I was lost all over again.
TULIP: Oh, yeah.
Nothing like humorless cruelty to get you going.
Shut up!
I am so sick and tired of you nonbelievers.
Smoking and smirking.
And just thinking of themselves
and what they're gonna get.
Well, you don't have to think anymore
'cause when the righteous lays down with the wicked,
this is what they get.
Damn it, Sarah. You can't do anything right.
Uh...
May I?
Sometimes, with the SIG Sauer,
when the firing pin gets hot...
It jams, I know.
True what you say about selfishness in the world.
Sometimes,
doing what's right for you, and just you,
no cause, no religion, no man,
it ain't selfish at all.
Sometimes,
it's just righteous.
Now, this is fixed.
But I'm gonna keep it.
I got tons of them.
Aah!
STARR: Still not working.
No, there's no time for an in-house service call.
The world is ending today.
Don't put me on hold again. No, Adnan...
Are you listening? I said don't put me on...
Adnan? Adnan?
Hey, you're, uh... Yeah.
Big fan. So is my wife. Honey, say hello.
It's just such a pleasure.
The pleasure is mine.
Hey, while I have you, let me bend your ear a minute
'cause I got a lot of questions.
ANNOUNCER: Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've been waiting for, for 2,000 years.
The Messiah!
Showtime.
Uh...
Look, I don't like it either,
but this is the deal. So come on.
Uh...
Don't give me that. They were gonna kill you.
Uh, no.
Come on.
You can't hide in the clothes.No.
Don't hide in the clothes. No.
Get out!
Now. They're all gonna die anyway. Come on.
What are you doing, Cass?
Die!
Come on!
Hippie wimp! Fascist pig.
WOMAN: Dr. Rodell to the burn unit.
Dr. Rodell to the burn unit.MAN: Okay, he's waking up.
Let's remove the bandages.
Hello there, mate. You've had an accident.
The bad news is, you've suffered some facial trauma.
But the good news is, you're gonna be fine.
Nurse, could you, uh, could you get the mirror?
Plastic surgeons here have been working day and night.
Called you their passion project.
So we're all just a little bit curious to see what...
Oh, my God.
Have some respect, people. It's still a human being!
Aah!
Oh, he got me. Right in the pancreas.
But you'll come back to life, right?
I shat myself.
I haven't done that since... He can't kill you.
I think that boy... He can kill anything.
Our baby. Our baby.
You do the right thing. Yeah. And what is that?
Sweetheart!
Genesis...
Oh.
All right.
You win.
Goodbye, Preacher.
You hear that?
Peace and quiet.
Family picnics, planting a garden.
That's what he's offering.
And that's what you want.
So go on.
One last kill,
if that's really what you want.
If he lives, everyone dies.
You get that, right?
It's not my problem.
Hump, go and wait in the clothes.
TULIP: What the hell is wrong with you?
Hmm?
Jesse?
I love him.
Ever since I was a little kid.
I never stopped.
He came back and...
I get that that sucks a little bit for you.
I get it.
But you wanna blow up the whole world 'cause of it?
Wise up, quit acting like a baby, and move!
Move!
What do you want me to say, huh?
You're my best friend.
No one, and I mean no one,
makes me laugh like you do.
And you know I love you, but...
Only when I'm sad.
And I need a little shag.
You've hit me a lot.
And, honestly, I let it go
because I love you.
So I just let you hurt me.
But I am so done.
And if you hit me like that again,
honestly, I'm gonna
fucking kill you.
I'm sorry.
MAN: First I'm hearing it, you know? You're my best friend.
You think it's okay to try and grab-ass my wife?
Henry, he didn't grab-ass. He just sent me a text.
That's not even the worst of it.
Next, he tries to tell me...
You're disappointed in me.
You're just another unbeliever.
Stand up and get on the tarp.
And you believe what, exactly?
Duty. Service.
Righteousness.
Toiling in a harsh and hateful life
to be rewarded in Paradise.
Life is not a thing to pass through.
Life is the thing itself.
Look there.
The particulates of dust dancing in the window light.
Nothing very hateful about that, is there?
I just got off the phone
with a submarine commander in the Egyptian Navy.
While the world turns to ash, we'll make our escape.
No. You're getting on the tarp.
"We"?
We're going to live under the sea, you and I.
Eating, yoga, talking about books we like,
pleasuring you repeatedly with my anus.
I don't think you'll get that kind of offer from Paradise.
You are of great value to me, Flufferman.
And you always have been.
Sorry, sir,
but my name is Featherstone.
The clock says zero.
He has to dance. That's the signal.
ALL: Kill us all! Kill us all!
Kill us all! Kill us all!
MAN: At the end of the day,
how many beers you've had is no excuse.
I wonder where the Holy Child is?WOMAN: It's been a while.
You know these performer types. Want us to beg for it.
Maybe somebody should check on him.
I'm in the middle of my story.
Or not. It's your apocalypse.
You can die some other day.
I wanna die today. Let's go.
ALL: Kill us all! Kill us all!
I'd bring help,
in case he has stage fright.
ALL: Kill us all! Kill us all!
MAN: Messiah?
Messiah?
MAN: Messiah?
Messiah?
Still think I'm the funniest?
Messiah? Messiah?
Yeah. I do, actually.
Cass...
I know.
Cass. I know.
Go away.
So much for second chances.
To the moon.
CASSIDY: He was the best person I ever met.
No bullshit, no agendas.
He liked everyone, even assholes.
It was the way I'd feel when I was with him, you know?
It just felt like... Like he changed you.
He was really special.
Jew!
you're goddamn right.
Dad? It's time, son.
Finally.
It's time for what?
To...
To be the Messiah.
ALL: Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!
I got some bad news for you people.
So listen up.
You're saying no?
I used to want it.
To be the Savior for everyone, like you promised.
I'm just a person, you know?
No better, no worse than anybody.
You know I don't need you, right?
The "Messiah" thing, it's just... It's...
It's showbiz.
I can blow the whole thing up myself
at any time for any reason.
Or you could be merciful.
Mer... Patient, tolerant, and loving.
Loving?
Yeah. And these three things remain.
Faith, hope, and love.
The greatest of the...
Run.
The world is not coming to an end.
Not today anyway.
We're not getting away with it that easy.
So for all of you watching this unhappy horseshit talent show,
turn your TVs off.
WOMAN: That's disappointing.
Is everything okay, Doc?
DOCTOR: I was at home lying in bed,
and I couldn't stop thinking about you.
Okay.
Thinking about what you've endured.
It's been so hard, hasn't it?
Yeah.
Hasn't been easy...
that's for sure.
I'm here to help make it easy for you.
I can't do everything because of ethical concerns,
but I can switch this heart monitor off.
What? Take the safety off this morphine drip.
What?
It is time to lay your burden down, son.
It's time to sleep with the angels.
When I leave,
you just press that button again and again and again.
And then, you are free.
Okay?
You know, life has been hard.
Eighteen years.
Laughed at.
Teased.
Puked on.
The worst part is...
The worst part is assholes like you...
feeling sorry for me.
'Cause I'm fine.
Actually no. I'm better than fine.
Okay I...
I am Eugene...
Edward Root!
So screw you.
And screw your angels...
and get the hell out!
JESSE: God's gone, again.
He's on the run, again. And I say "Good, go run."
I've been searching for Him a long time now.
So long I can't remember not.
What do I have to show for it?
What good has it done me?
Other than make me see the worst in myself.
Miss the best in others that I care about.
So I'm gonna stop looking.
And that's where you fascist assholes come in
'cause I'm not done with God.
Make no mistake.
No matter where He runs,
no matter how long it takes,
I want Him found!
So...
Go find Him.
Closing time
Open all the...
Closing time...
Open all the doors and...
Closing time...
Open all the doors...
What they did,
past or present
Got us in this situation
Predicament
Nowhere to run
Everybody's building bombs
No more housewives;
"Days of Our Lives",
Television, Disneyland,
Basketball or stars and stripes
Whoo!
It's so quiet.
CASSIDY: Christ. The three of us saved the world.
In, like, an actual sense.
Not many people can say that, huh?
Churchill.
Lincoln.
Who else?
Frodo Baggins.
He's fictional.
Hmm?
He's a fictional character. If you say so.
The little guy with the furry feet,
lives with a wizard. It's not real.
All right, firstly, the wizard was a guest, man.
He never actually lived with him. And B...
Till the end of the world!
All right.
Now what?
Shit. Do you think they gave up?
The Rodriguez Brothers? All this for that thing?
TULIP: t's a distributor from a 1936 Cord 810.
They don't even make them anymore.
Ammo?
I could just throw it at them.
We're not going to hurt you this time guys!
We're just gonna kill you!
Come on over and blow me you stupid sonsabitches!
I can make them blow each other.
TULIP: Okay, there's eight of them.
They got shotguns and pistols.
Juan and his nephew, they got Kalashnikovs.
What have we got?
Bullet.
Rolling papers.
And, uh...
Power lines.
You got your lighter?
Do not tell me you lost it again.
No, I got it.So what?
Huh?
I'm just happy.
MAN: Good.
Mrs. MacDougall will be very pleased with the transmission now.
Any problems?
You?
We had an accident. Actually three.
But she's fine.
Sleeping.
Cassidy called.
And?
He's at a peyote conference in Oaxaca.
I thought he was coming back.
I guess not yet.
How'd he sound?
Sounded okay.
Apparently, he threw up with Woody Harrelson.
Sounds about right.
She looks just like you.
I know I keep saying that.
I don't mind.
Uh, phone for Jesse.
Hello?
TULIP: ♪ And I will drink clear clean water
♪ For to quench my thirst
♪ I shall watch the ferry-boats And they'll get high
♪ On a blue ocean against tomorrow's sky
♪ And we'll never grow so old again ♪
What?
They found Him.
I have to go.
I wanna go.
Where is He?
San Antonio.
Welcome.
Come, my child.
Sit with me.
JESSE: Go about your lives.
Go ahead.
Make it day.
Make it night.
Well,
now that we have that out of the way.
Beer? Soda pop? Diet Dr. Pepper?
JESSE: I have so many questions.
Ask.
Uh...
I mean,
kids with cancer.
Oh. Yeah. Suffering is a great teacher.
It gives a person strength.
Or it kills you.
And teaches strength to those left behind.
All right.
All the other religions, now, they're wrong?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
There's a lot that, uh, that is right,
that I, uh, admire about the other faiths.
But they're going to Hell?
No, no, no. Not, uh...
Not necessarily. Right.
What about life on other planets?
No. What?
Organic gases, water deposits, sure.
Oh, come on. I mean,
all the planets? Even the ones we don't know about?
What, you want aliens with bug eyes and laser guns
coming to get you? Sorry.
Wow.
Yeah, that's surprising.
Out of bean dip.
Something from Piggly Wiggly?
No. No, babe. Thank you. Anything?
Uh, no. No. Thank you.
Well, what else?
Uh...
Stonehenge?
The Holocaust?
What are the key components of consciousness?
Is my dad in Heaven?
Your original sin.
Your father is, uh,
a man who dedicated his life to helping others.
He never drank or cursed
or so much as cracked a Playboy.
And you prayed to me so hard
that he might burn in the fires of Hell.
I denied your prayer.
He's in Heaven.
Of course.
Here's what I want you to know,
and it might be difficult to understand,
but the moment that I let your father die,
and each and every single moment of your life that followed,
was an expression of my love.
I love you, Jesse Custer.
Do you believe me?
Good.
Now, it's your turn.
To say it back.
Say you love me.
Your great design is being loved.
Right?
That's it. That... That's the why.
I gave you pain. I gave you joy.
Your family?
That happiness that you feel?
That was my idea.
You know, whenever I imagined this moment, it was just like this.
We'd talk, you'd answer my questions.
I'd hear about my dad, and you'd help me understand.
What will be is what has always been.
I will go back to Heaven.
And all you need to do
is say it.
I get it. I get it. I get it.
I understand.
Good.
I understand that we would all be better off
without a needy little bitch like you around.
There.
Aah!
Up.
Down.
JESSE: You keep driving around,
doing whatever it is you're doing down here.
But I'm warning you,
stay out of Heaven, and leave us alone.
You dare...
Only because of your perverse power.
Be free.
Why? I don't fucking need it.
I will rip you apart.
I will gorge on your innards
and pick my teeth with your bones!
Still won't make me love you.
I am a loving God, Jesse,
but my patience with you,
my patience with all humanity, is nearing its end.
You will return my affection,
or your replacement awaits.
Man, you're tough.
I get it. We got flaws,
thousands of them. Millions.
Of course.
But on the most part, I think humanity's a goddamn miracle.
And for that, in my opinion, you should be proud.
But if you got something better cooking up in there,
by all means,
go for it.
Meantime, I'm gonna go see a movie.
Please, not now.
Daddy, I love you.
Shut up! All of you.
I love you, Daddy
What do you want?
Daddy-
Dad-
Dad... I love you
Daddy
We love you
Shut up!
Buddy, I'm telling you, it doesn't match.
So give me my goddamn money back.
Sir, keep in mind, this is a semi-gloss finish,
so I suggest, take it on home,
and see how you like it before you make a decision.
And if you don't like it, you can always bring it back.
We'll give you a full refund.
Uh-huh. And how long is that good for?
Ninety days.
Great.
Sorry I raised my voice.
Believe me, I understand.
See you. All right. Take care.
Dick.
Who's next?
STARR: Think I may have to marry this nine iron.
Left elbow in, that's the key.
Pensacola PD, Starr.
We've been looking a long time for you.
POLICE CHIEF: What the...
FEMALE OFFICER: He's jacking off!
Chief.
Feels like it breaks right to left.
♪ I got trouble
♪ I got trouble on my mind
♪ I got trouble
♪ I got trouble on my mind
Yeah!
♪ I got trouble on my mind ♪
You slaughtered the Heavenly Host.
They got in my way.
So I tore them apart like a wet sheet.
Were you not sent to Hell?
Deathbed confession.
...led my men to slaughter, and I led them to be slaughtered.
He did me wrong, so I shot him and killed him.
Split him wide open with a dull blade.
And after, I had my way with his wife, while his children were crying on me.
God forgive me. I dearly loved him.
Amen.
Preacher.
He figured you'd come back here sometime.
Figured that you and I had some unfinished business.
He figured right.
You dare?
It is given unto none to judge me!
Stand aside!
Uh...
Can you not understand,
William?
Can you know
what it was like to be the creator
in the time before creation?
I was alone.
Infinite loneliness.
And so, out of nothing,
I created love.
My greatest gift, William.
Allow me to take my throne
and give it to you.
Your family, your little girl.
I love them so.
I know.
What was taken
shall now be returned.
Stand aside,
and let me give you an eternity
of love.
What if
I choose hate?
JOHN WAYNE: That's what's important.
To feel useful in this old world.
To hit a lick against what's wrong,
or to say a word for what's right,
even though you get walloped for saying that word.
Now, I may sound like a Bible-beater yelling up a revival
at a river-crossing camp meeting,
but that don't change the truth none.
There's right, and there's wrong.
You got to do one or the other.
You do the one, and you're living.
You do the other, and you may be walking around,
but you're dead as a beaver hat.
So I hear you're a banker now. Is that right?
Well,
I run an asset management fund.
We advise small businesses on charitable giving,
titling of assets, and income replacement strategies.
I've been praying. Yeah?
Don't really know why, but...
Just have.
Hmm.
No, I get it.
I think your daddy would, too.
You think? Oh, yeah.
He said you, uh, used to drink gasoline...
...and killed 20 angels with a chainsaw. Is that true?
No, that's not bloody true. He's exaggerating.
It was engine coolant.
He says you were the toughest guy he ever met.
Really?
Yeah.
That means a lot coming from him.
Mom, too.
She talked about you a lot.
All the time, actually.
Guess she wondered why you never came back to see them.
I always meant to. I just...
I always...
I run out of time. You know?
I get it.
She loved you.
Very much.
Over 150 years, and I've been stabbed, bloody
chopped up, blown up, dropped out of airplanes,
and I just, I just kept going.
Because that's what you do. You just...
You got to pick yourself up, you know?
Just forget the pain, try and carry on.
But your bloody mom,
did you know she shot me twice in the chest?
Right in the heart. Two times.
That was years ago.
It still hurts.
Guys, quit your messing, and be respectful!
I'm sorry. Oh, it's all right.
I think I'll get going.
Where to now?
Bangkok? Tijuana?
Always did love hearing about your adventures.
Hmm. No way.
I think I'll try someplace new.
All right.
Mr. Cassidy?
We ever see you again?
Jesus, I hope so.
♪ And I will stroll the merry way
♪ And jump the hedges first
♪ And I will drink the clear clean water
♪ For to quench my thirst
♪ And I shall watch the ferry-boats
♪ And they'll get high
♪ On a blue ocean
♪ Against tomorrow's sky
♪ And I will never grow so old again
♪ And I will walk and talk in gardens all wet with rain
♪ Oh, sweet thing, sweet thing ♪