Do you think we should tell him?
No.
Okay. He'll understand.
After everything he's been through, you know...
Mum's the word.
Here he is, Captain Morbid.
Okay, so we slept together.
Not his fault, not mine.
You were gone, so we can't feel bad about it.
So, you can lose your shit if you want
and Word us into toads,
but just do it now and get over with it.
Thanks for telling me.
You're welcome.
Turn you into what?
Toads.
And we understand if you hate us.
No.
I love you both very much.
No matter what.
Is that it?
Anything else?
Well, we're gonna go and get Humperdoo,
destroy the Grail.
Maybe save the world from a fiery apocalypse.
Ah.
TULIP: Only if you're up for it.
JESSE: Humperdoo.
Where is he?
[ALL CLAMORING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[GRUNTS]
[ALL CHEERING]
Huh? Oh. My child.
[GRUNTS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Would you?
[STAMMERING] No, I meant...
Oh, you want...
Sure.
Yeah, get in there.
WOMAN: [ON PA] And ballerinas out.
Pocket dancers in 10.
Cue the mimes. Cue the mimes.
[SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING]
Where are my mimes?
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Hi, kid.
JESSE: [IN DISTORTED VOICE] Let's go.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Now you don't show.
[IN DISTORTED VOICE] Come on.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
This may be a bit weird,
but, uh, all things considered,
and I don't wanna jinx it,
but I got a really good feeling
about where things are headed.
You know?
So are we good?
One good thing about going to Hell and back, Cass,
you get perspective.
And she was right. I was gone.
But now I'm back.
[SCREAMING IN DISTANCE] [CLATTERING]
Just to be clear,
when you guys say get Humperdoo, you mean rescue?
Hump never hurt a fly. This is a rescue mission.
Hey. Mr. Cassidy.
So sorry. Pardon the mess.
That's all right?
[WHISTLES]
When you're ready.
Uh-oh. Sounds like Tony's bacon us crazy again.
[GUN FIRING]
[SCREAMS]
Damn. These morning shows.
MAN: [ON TV] I tried to tell you. The whole planet's gone off the rails.
Anything for ratings.
Nobody would listen...
What the...
What is this?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING ON TV]
Starr.
Today is the day, ladies and gentlemen,
believers and apostates.
Today's the day at long last
when this grotesque and orderless world
comes to an end.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
For those of you watching at home, here's how it goes.
First, a few opening acts.
Singers, jugglers, ethnic musicians,
a female comedian, and then,
when the clock hits zero...
The Messiah
will dance!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
And so signal the apocalypse.
Clamor, chaos, fire from above,
et cetera and et cetera.
The righteous will be spared, of course,
but the sinners...
[AUDIENCE JEERING]
That's right. The sinners...
[AUDIENCE JEERING]
...the feminists,
degenerates,
and desperados,
today's the day they get theirs.
MAN: My son.
Be careful
with our child.
I see everything.
Understand?
I know everything.
Ah. [CHUCKLES]
But Abel, he just wouldn't believe me, poor schmuck.
He'd keep saying to me, "No, no, Cain's not just my big brother,
"he's my best friend."
Are you kidding me?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Sorry to disturb you, sir. Hey, Dad.
Hello, Jesus.
Hey, I, uh... I know today's a big day for you,
so I, uh, just wanted to wish you good luck.
Uh, both of you.
Okay.
Thank you, Jesus.
Anything else? Like you say, it's a busy day,
and he needs to focus, so...
Yeah, of course. Uh, of course.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
I believe in you. Schnell.
Uh, Dad, just one more thing.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ "It's Tricky" is the title Here we go
♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme
♪ To rock a rhyme That's right on time
♪ It's tricky
♪ It's tricky, tricky, tricky
♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme
♪ To rock a rhyme That's right on time
♪ It's tricky
♪ Tricky, tricky, tricky ♪
[PANTING]
Good.
So anyway, Cain and Abel...
HUMPERDOO: [GROANING] Ow!
Oh, hush now. That didn't hurt.
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
That did.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, I know. I know.
Scary. But we don't want anyone hurting you.
[GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪ Go tell it on the mountain
♪ Over the hills And everywhere
♪ Go tell it on the mountain
♪ That Jesus Christ is born
♪ Go tell it on the mountain
♪ That Jesus Christ is... ♪
[GRUNTING]
Where's Cass?
Cass?
Over here. Check this out.
Remember, this is not a rescue mission, no matter what he says.
You know what needs to be done, right?
Where is everybody?
Up there.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
All right. Let's go.
Not again.
Cass?
[EUGENE SINGS]
Closing time...
Open all the doors and...
Let you out
Thanks for meeting with me, Father.
I hear they're letting you out.
Yeah.
Yeah. For some reason they thought I ate Preacher Custer.
But they couldn't find him in my poop, so...
So what do you want?
I'm just...
I'm just hoping to figure out
what is next?
You know, like what...
What am I supposed to do?
What's God's plan?
I've been wondering the same thing.
What's his plan for someone like you?
Comic relief? Cautionary tale?
Appetite suppressant.
What about rock star?
Or maybe he just doesn't want to think about it anymore.
Mistakes were made,
best forgotten kind of thing.
Or maybe in the end,
when it comes to someone like you,
there is no plan.
Yeah.
Rock star.
Cass!
Cassidy?
What you wanna do?
Forget him.
GOD: Picture a mountain
a mile wide, and soaring high,
made entirely of pure flaked Peruvian heroin.
Picture the girl,
Tulip, all to yourself.
Picture Ireland.
Ah. That's right.
Your deepest desires.
[GRUNTS] [BIRDS CHIRPING]
Billy?
Come on, Dad.
What are you waiting for? A victory parade?
MAN: Careful now, don't cross him.
That'd be poor thanks to the man who saved me life.
Oh, out of the way, young gombeens.
Oh!
You came back to us.
I'm glad to hear your voice.
Oh, my boy.
GOD: A second chance approaches.
The life you could have had.
The man you should have been.
And if it weren't for Jesse Custer,
that smug son of a bitch,
the girl you would have had.
And all you have to do
is one little thing.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[SIGHS]
It's gonna be okay, Jesse.
All right? Cass can look after himself.
The amount of shit he's gotten up and walked away from?
Yeah, pile of shit.
Hey, Jesse, listen to me, okay?
It's gonna be okay, I promise.
[ELEVATOR THUDS]
That's God.
Now you listen to me, Jesse Custer, I swear...
That time I was with him in the desert,
the whole time when I was with him
when he showed me who he was,
arrogant, hateful.
Even when his teeth were ripping into my flesh,
I never thought to stop him.
I never thought to use my power to stop God.
I just never did.
I read the letter, you know.
And...
What's perpetuity mean?
Means forever.
Hmm.
Well, I knew that. I was just checking if you did.
Now I really wish I hadn't burned it.
What'd you do that for?
Well, I sort of burned a church down.
[SCOFFS]
I ain't proud of it.
Now this is officially bullshit.
Get me up there so I can open it from the outside.
All right.
[GRUNTS]
JESSE: Hey.
Be careful. I ain't scared of him.
You should be. I know, right?
Full house, very respectful. No candy wrappers, no texting,
went crazy for Paula Poundstone.
Hmm. She's funny.
Something the matter, Flufferman?
I'm sorry, sir, it's just...
This is it. Yes.
Tonight is it.
Yes, it's everything we've worked for.
God is on security tonight.
You should enjoy it. Take a break.
Thank you, sir.
We've made a good team.
We've made a great team.
[CHUCKLES] Hmm.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Do you believe in magic In a young girl's heartHmm.
♪ How the music can free her Whenever it starts...
You're a handsome woman.
And I am a very handsome man.
♪ And the music's in me ♪
You're just mental. You make dogs die when they eat chocolate.
You know, Don Jr., testicles, that's terrible design.
You've had some bad ideas in the past, but this is just the worst.
We both would hate to see anything happen to him.
Don't give me that.
You... You... You just want me to look after Hump
till he dances and then the whole bleeding world blows up.
So what?
Three billion people is what!
Seven billion six hundred and ninety-two million and change.
I just can't believe... I honestly...
I had hoped that the secret to the universe
was something a bit more complex than just...
God's a frizzy-haired homicidal lunatic.
Who are you defending?
People?
Over a hundred years and all they've done is torment you.
Besides, they're all going to die sooner or later.
That's one of humanity's best features, don't you think?
Well, they've done good stuff, too, all right?
Yeah, like what? Like...
Italian food is good, isn't it?
Paul Newman? Yeah.
Season 2 of The Love Boat, brilliant.
All right. Be honest with me.
Did you really think, at the end of the day,
that she could ever love something like you
without a little divine intervention?
You must think I'm weak.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, you think I'm just a selfish bum
who can't control the pitch.
No.
Pronsias.
I think you're a tired little boy...
who wants to go home.
[SHOUTING]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
STARR: We enjoyed that, didn't we?
You were certainly ready, sir.
Yes, since I tapped into my wanton carnality.
Lots of lost time to make up for.
We could probably fit in another session
before the Holy Child dances.
Aren't you the greedy little Gus.
I meant after the show.
If only, sir.
What's that supposed to mean?
I just meant that after the show we'll be in Heaven.
We won't be able to do this again.
You're confused. The old plan was for total annihilation.
The new plan is limited.
Limited, sir?
Yes.
A few bombs here and there to take out
the Danes, the teacher unions, the hippies.
New plans were drawn up,
sent out to our undercover field operatives.
Were there?
Yes, I gave them to Hoover Two.
Shit.
But, sir, what's the point of limiting an apocalypse?
The point is to kill and not get killed, obviously.
But I thought that was the plan.
To die and ascend gloriously into Heaven.
Please, you're starting to sound like one of those religious kooks.
Clean yourself up
but don't touch my bidet.
I don't want any of your unsightly...
Anyway, I have to go fix this.
HerrStarr, I have to know.
Why join the Grail in the first place?
What was all this for?
Violence, power, dirty sex.
Why else?
I mean, you've certainly had your fill, Flufferman.
Just look at yourself.
You going to Heaven?
Please.
[GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
Come on.
Or don't.
Up to you.
It's so embarrassing.
[SCOFFS]
You don't think I was embarrassed after Stalingrad?
Nein.I just kept going.Never quit.
He doesn't want me.
I don't know what else to do.
[SIGHS]
Don't you?
I appreciate your support, Hitler.
You believed in me the whole time.
But no.
I'm not a murderer.
No. No, no, no, of course. Of course, I know.
I am.
JESSE: Hey.
Hey!
[SOBBING]
I... I'm sorry.
I know I should be up with the others
enjoying the apocalypse, but...
Well, forgive me. I don't wanna die.
[SCREAMS, THUDS]
This will do.
Have a seat. Screw you.
You ever see the inside of a passenger elevator
after its cable snaps?
Looks like chili con carne.
Sit.
Well, that was easy. What?
Told you to do something and you just did it.
You threatened to pulverize my boyfriend.
Yeah, but I was hoping for a bit more fight.
Don't you have some other dumbass shit you should be doing?
Like blowing up the world or something?
Soon.
What do you want?
I just told you.
I want a fight.
Tulip?
Tulip!
Hey!
Help!
A punch in the face.
A kick in the balls.
I deserve it.
Don't I? All the terrible things I've done.
Oh, yeah, for sure. So, come on.
Take a shot.
You know what?
Maybe before I would have been interested, but now...
I'm good.
Oh, you think so? Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh. You're... You're good, huh?
Yeah, I see, I see. You think you've changed.
[CHUCKLES]
No.
No, people like you, you don't change.
Not really.
You wanna know what I think?
I think the days of me caring about what you think...
are done.
Well, I bet I can make you care.
Sixty seconds.
I bet I can make you lose that famous temper of yours and hit me.
And if I'm wrong, you win,
I'll leave you and your friends alone.
I'll even call off the apocalypse.
[CHUCKLES]
Hold on. No, hold on.
Just sit here and not hit you for one minute?
Mmm-hmm.
[SCOFFS]
What's the catch?
The catch. [LAUGHS]
The catch is the same as always, O'Hare.
[TIMER TICKING]
You're gonna screw it up.
Murderer.
Mmm.
Whore.
Liar.
[SIGHS]
Cheat.
[LAUGHS]
You're doing very well. Let's see, um, how about...
Dallas?
You remember Dallas?
Losing the baby.
Losing your daughter.
In fact, you wanna know what I was thinking there?
The cosmic sweeping reason for her death?
[SCOFFS]
O'Hare, wouldn't you finally like to know...
why?
Huh.
I can't remember.
[TIMER RINGING]
[TULIP THUDS]
I win.
And next.
[CASSIDY GROANING]
Cass?
[CASSIDY GROANING]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Cass. Jesse.
I said, "No."
He... He tried to tempt me. Said he could send me home.
I said, "No."
Good man. Good man. I'll get some blood.
No, no, no. There's no time.
You have to get Humperdoo.
You're gonna kill him, aren't you?
God won't let us take him, Cass.
I'm sorry. [SOBS]
I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
You're not.
Look at you. You're a survivor.Yeah.
I'm so sick of it.
What are you talking about?
He said he could send me home, Jesse.
But you were strong.
You turned him down.
I said, "No."
Over and over I said, "No."
Until I said, "Yes."
[GRUNTING]
[COUGHS]
Well done, Pronsias.
I did it for Hump. I didn't do it for you.
Yeah, whatever you wanna tell yourself, vampire.
Still...
You must be thirsty.
Back to work!
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] [CROWD CHEERING]
[STRUMMING GUITAR] ♪ Closing time ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GRUNTS] [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
GOD: The world is ending.
The theater is full, and the church is empty.
I rest my case.
[SCOFFS] Now you quit.
If ever there was an occasion...
What do you want?
My mom, dad, my eye, my friends,
you've taken everything.
I want...
what was taken from me.
Genesis.
It was never meant to be.
It's a stain on both Heaven and Hell,
a blasphemous stain.
With a power to rival your own.
Well, maybe so.
That'd solve everything for you, wouldn't it?
If Genesis worked on me?
Try it.
Look at me.
Hey.
[IN DISTORTED VOICE] Look at me!
[YELLS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come on, Preacher!
Here's your chance.
[IN DISTORTED VOICE] Command me!
[GASPING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You fear me.
[IN DISTORTED VOICE] As you should!
[YELLS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Why are you doing this? You're from Hell.
What do you care who the Messiah is?
Because I want to win, of course.
Humperdoo is divine. That much is clear.
He will be a formidable opponent.
Whereas you...
[SNIGGERS]
I said, "No."
Murder is wrong.
What? Will you stop me, Mr. Powerfluff?
Maybe I will. Get off me, you loser!
Oh!
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
STARR: Function. Start. Send.
Nothing's happening. ADNAN: [ON PHONE] Are you sure you press the right button?
I'm telling you, it's not sending.
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Adnan, listen to me very carefully.
If I don't get those override orders out,
you, your family, your entire tech support department
and everyone else on Planet Earth will be consumed
in a nuclear firestorm, understand?
Please hit function, start and send.
Function, start, send.
[GRUNTING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING]
Humperdoo.
Yeah, buddy, can't wait.
Our time is almost done.
Time to release Genesis.
Let it go.
But why do I have it?
Why'd it find me in the first place?
God only knows.
Now give it to me.
Go ahead, just take it.
[IN DISTORTED VOICE] Give it to me!
God Almighty,
my ass.
You want it so bad,
why don't you reach in and take it, you son of a bitch.
[GASPS]
[RUMBLING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What did you do?
You.
JESSE: That's right.
The Saint of Killers.
Yes.
We know each other.
We actually go way back.
Isn't that right, William?
My old friend.
Way back.
JESSE: He's all yours. Do it.
What are you waiting for?
Shoot him.
Do it! Shoot him!
[WOMAN SINGING LULLABY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[CONTINUES SINGING]
[CROWS CAWING]
He's not here for me, Preacher.
He's here for you.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]