[RATTLING]
[TOOLS CLATTERING]
KARL: I think it's ready.
But there's only one way to find out.
[TAPPING]
A bit more.
[MAN GROANS]
My God, it works perfectly.
I'll never doubt you again, brother.
♪ He truly feels
♪ Und not the words of one who kneels
♪ The record shows
♪ I took the blows
♪ Und did it
♪ My way ♪
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Undnow, ladies undgentlemen,
your next Little Mr. Dusseldorf,
for the fourth year in a row,
Klaus Starr!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'll always be happy.
Congratulations, Dieter. Mr. Congeniality, three years straight.
Congratulations to everyone.
Get him.
[PUNCHES LANDING] [STARR GRUNTING]
[STARR GROANS]
You're the star, aren't you, Klaus?
I wonder what kind of star you'd be without your looks.
BOYS: [CHANTING] A star for a Starr. A star for a Starr.
[BOYS CONTINUE CHANTING]
[STARR SCREAMING]
My beauty!
My eye!
[SHUSHING]
You're okay. You're okay.
I'm sorry. Oh, don't be.
No, you just had a bad dream. Perfectly normal during this procedure.
My genitals...
We saved what we could.
Which turned out to be nothing.
[GRUNTS]
Yes, no doubt it is a fine spigot,
but that's cold comfort to him.
You saved my life, at least.
What, may I ask, are your names?
Well, I'm Karl Chunt,
and these are my brothers, Ernie and Cyrus.
[CYRUS GRUNTING]
Let's get some food in you.
There. [GROANS]
A little comfort food. Put some meat back on those bones.
Ah!
Mmm.
That's good. Ernie made it.
[SOBBING]
I'm sorry.
It's been so long since someone showed me kindness.
I've had so much taken from me.
People are cruel.
You...
You're eating me!
But we all are.
You're the guest, you got first bowl.
Idiots! Do you have any idea...
I am the most powerful man in the...
Stop that!
Not another bite.
Listen to me,
you knit-browed monkey dullards!
My location has been broadcast by a subdural transponder.
I would think twice before you choose how to proceed.
At this precise moment, the world's most lethal operatives
are converging on this very spot to rescue me and to kill you!
[GRUNTS] Shut up!
Oh!
You got your blood pressure up, don't you?
You know what that means, Ernie.
It's time for your favorite.
[LAUGHS]
It's thigh time.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]
[GUNSHOTS]
Sir, I'm here to...
[SOBBING]
[CONTINUES SOBBING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCOFFS]
After all he's done, knowing what he plans to do,
you're really gonna stick with God? Like a child?
I gave you my answer.
Yeah, well, it's a shit one.
Then I guess it's back to watching my dad get killed over and over.
I'll let you in on something, Fiore.
I've had that playing in my head since I was 10 years old.
Your little filmstrip ain't gonna change shit.
Let me let you in on something, Preacher.
The filmstrip part of things is over.
[GRUNTS]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
It's a bit wrathful-lookin', isn't it?
Old Testament-like.
Yeah?
Well, let's find out.
[HUMPERDOO WHIMPERING]
[WHIMPERING]
Well, come on, just do it.No.
He killed Jesse in front of us, so I'm doing this in front of him.
We are in front of him.
He's God, he can see us
on the bloody toilet, can't he?
I wanna see him seeing it.
Come out and face us, you sack of shit!
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Huh.
He'll make his move.
We're gonna stay right here until he does.
[RAIN STOPS]
All right. Now, then...
Let's find a place for our little family.
Who have we got here? We've got Daddy Pinecone.
Over there.
We've got Mommy Pinecone there.
And who is this little bastard here?
Who's that?
Humperdoo pinecone.
Okay, over here.
They new batteries?
Yeah. I switched them out this mornin'.
These, too.
A couple of new spares.
Come on, turn around.
Now,
let's go to the moon.
CASSIDY: Ooh! God's here.
You gotta go, you gotta go to the moon.
Go to moon!
[LAUGHS]
Go to moon!
One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi, four Mississippi,
five Mississippi, six Mississippi,
seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi,
nine...
And boom.
Go to moon! [LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
No, he cracks me up.
Do you know what I'm saying? I mean...
There's something about him, right?
Oh, he's adorable.
And he's the only thing
that piece of shit God cares about,
so when the time comes...
Yeah. No, you're right. Gloves are off.
Don't forget why we're here, okay?
[SCREAMING]
You'll do great. Mmm.
It feels wrong.
Nein, nein.
Fear unddoubt, you cannot let them cloud your judgement
or you'll fail to act.
No, it's just...
I'm overstepping.
[SIGHS]
Listen to me, Jesus.
And I speak from experience.
There comes a time in life
where you simply have to do
the right thing.
Right. I'm worried that we're doing the wrong thing.
Nein, nein.
We cannot and we will not.
I know, that's what I'm saying.I know.
What? Don't worry,
we are exactly on the same page.
[METAL CREAKING]
[METAL CONTINUES CREAKING]
[SIGHS]
My condolences, Allfather,
for the passing of the Christ child.
Suicide. So tragic.
And yet they say depression is a sign of genius...
Cut the bullshit, Hitler.
We all know he didn't kill himself.
And we all know he was just a clone
of the real Humperdoo,
whom we still cannot find.
In other words, we know we've failed.
It's over.
No Messiah, no dance.
No apocalypse.
On the other hand,
there is something else we know.
We have Jesus of Nazareth.
The original, accept-no-substitutions Messiah.
You speak of clones.
What is this missing Christ child
but a clone of our freundhere?
[SCOFFS] Him.
We wouldn't be in this mess if he hadn't been caught whoring around...
One time. Okay?
And it was 2,000 years ago. And she wasn't a whore.
[SCOFFS]
Let us show you something.
It's not necessary.
♪ This speech is my recital
♪ I think it's very vital
♪ To rock ♪ A rhyme
♪ That's right ♪ On time
♪ It's Tricky is the title here we go
♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's right on time
♪ It's tricky
♪ It's tricky, tricky ♪ Tricky, tricky
♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's right on time
♪ It's tricky
♪ Tricky, tricky, tricky
♪ I met this little girlie her hair was kinda curly
♪ Went to her house and bust her out
♪ I had to leave real early
♪ These girls are really sleazy
♪ All they just say is please me
♪ Or spend some time and rock a rhyme... ♪
Enough! [JESUS GRUNTS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
It's not up to me.
So save your ghetto gyrations
for someone whose dick doesn't require constant descaling.
Humperdoo is the chosen one,
and he is the one that your father wants.
Not you.
Not ever.
CASSIDY: Hump!
Humperdoo!
Hump! Bollocks. Hump!
How the hell'd he get away, Cass?
Because I needed to pee, all right?
Look, I don't like doing it in front of him.
He thinks I'm trying to play.
Well, you should have switched with me.
Look, I... [HUMPERDOO EXCLAIMS]
Look at that. Can you believe that?
[SOFTLY] Humperdoo, Humperdoo.
Hump. Humperdoo.Huh?
Come here.
I know.
Holy shit. Dude, that was biblical.
Dog. Yeah, sure, it was a dog.
Mister, we're gonna have to check you for ticks now.
[GROANS] For real, for real, man.
What? Messing with wild deer.
Unbelievable, dude.
That was biblical, man.
[BABBLES]
Damn it, we've been looking all over the place for you.
Let's go and chill at the thing.
[METAL CLINKING]
[GRUNTS]
[METAL CONTINUES CLINKING]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUMBLES]
[GRUNTING]
[STRUGGLING]
[SCREAMING]
[WHIMPERING] [LIQUID GUSHING]
[SOBBING]
Oh, Klaus.
I thought you wanted to be beautiful again.
I do. But I can't find the child.
I've tried everything.
I just don't know where he is.
That's because
you never asked.
Bring him home, and you'll get your looks back.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] [RATS SQUEALING]
[PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[ALARM BLARING] [GUNS FIRING]
[JESSE GRUNTS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Thanks.
What do you think now?
About what?
God.
You still got questions for him?
You ever hear that story about the drunk general
who got caught reading his map sideways?
It was back in the war. Middle of a big battle.
Colonel riding up on his horse and he says to the general,
"What do we do?"
And General says, "We're gonna march right up that hill."
Colonel sees the sideways map in the general's hand, but...
Well, he follows orders just like everybody else,
so he sends his men up that hill into a slaughter.
You could hear them boys laid up on that hill,
screaming into the night, all the next day.
The whole hill
screaming and dying.
All because a colonel followed his orders.
You were the colonel.
I was the general.
I never heard you talk that much.
I thought you were doomed to walk the earth.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Where did you get that horse?
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
No...
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
You hear that, Preacher? That's what's coming 'cause of you.
[PEOPLE CONTINUE SCREAMING]
You better sit on that throne, Preacher.
[SCREAMS FADE AWAY]
Sorry, but there's only one way out of here.
This is just a test. Yeah, it's a test.
Of your stupidity.
God's plan is real, okay? We're not mucking about.
You think we put ants up your bottom for fun?
He's testing my faith.
This can't be his plan. There has to be something more.
Of course there's more. There's always more.
There's whips and saws,
and chains, and molten magma
smeared over your buttocks like butter on a cream cracker.
A what?
It's a biscuit. It's a square...
Look, that doesn't matter! [EXHALES HEAVILY]
Jesus, Fiore.
Those speedballs have turned you into a dick.
Do what you have to do.
I like biscuits.
Just put him on the throne.
[JESSE GRUNTS]
It's not that kind of biscuit.
MAN: Jesse. Live.
[GASPING FOR AIR]
[STRAINING]
[GRUNTS]
[COUGHS]
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
They're just sitting down to eat.
Oh!
CASSIDY: All right.
No?
Oh, yeah. Yeah?
It's good stuff. What's in here?
What is that?
Are they blueberries? Yeah.
Good, right? On a burger.
It's very surprising. Mmm.
Hump here sure loves it. Look at that.
Yeah.
He sort of does, doesn't he?
Oh, are you kidding me? He is a huge fan.
[SHRIEKS]
Are you kidding me?
It's probably just a little bug. You know, it happens...
HUMPERDOO: Wow!
[HUMPERDOO LAUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
Well, I think it's contagious.
[PULSATING]
Hey, Hump.
Time to go to the moon.
[GRUNTS]
Go to the moon!
Hello, Marnie.
Oh, man. I am so sick...
[GRUNTING]
Sir, I'd like to renew my request to put a bullet in...
Where is the child?
He's long gone.
MAN: [ON RADIO] Target acquired.Let's go.
Do it. What?
Cass...
Let's think about this.
Take him out. No.
Give it to me.
Look, I'm not going to kill Hump, all right? He hasn't done anything.
Give it, or I'll take it.
Look, I respect you, all right, and your skills as a fighter, Tulip.
Well, honestly, though, I'm a bloody vampire.
You know, there's no way in hell you're...
No, no, no!
[GROANS IN PAIN]
To the moon!
[HUMPERDOO YELLING EXCITEDLY]
Shit.
[CLICKING]
I'm sorry about the... That's all right.
[CHUCKLES]
I was mansplaining a bit, wasn't I?Mmm-hmm.
[SIGHS]
It's just going to be such a bitch to pull out.
[CHUCKLES]
So, what do we do now?
What else?
We gotta go get him.
Mmm-hmm.
To save him or to kill him?
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
GOD: Hello, my child.
Yes, yes. It's really me.
It's not a trick. You're not in Hell.
I brought you back.
I did it.
I refused.
They tried everything they could.
They burnt me, they tortured me, but I refused!
I refused! I know you did.
It was just a test.
The whole damn thing, my whole life was a test right?
Yes, it was. And I passed!
So you don't have to start again. You don't have to end the world,
because I passed!
You came
so close.
Close?
What do you mean?
I didn't forsake you.
I didn't sit on your throne.
Yeah,
but you wanted to.
I wanted to?
Are you serious?
You sinned in your heart, Jesse.
Is that not serious?
You're gonna end the world because I was tempted?
All have sinned
and fallen short of the glory of God.
You're making it sound like
there was no way to pass the test.
I gave mankind free will.
Your choices are your own, and so are the consequences.
You made us this way.
I made you in my own image.
A little thanks would be nice.
Thank you? For what?
Kids with cancer?
The Kardashians?
[JESSE GRUNTS, CHOKES]
[GOD SIGHS]
Look at you
staring at me.
Is this how your father raised you?
To look your Lord right in the eye?
[JESSE SCREAMS]
Argh!
This Creation's been...
Well, it's been a nice run.
Oh! Don't despair.
You've still got a little part to play
before it's all said and done.
See you at the apocalypse.
Oh...
Don't forget to bring your friends.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
[ALL CLAMORING] [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: Grail members!
please, clear a path,
as your Allfather makes his way to the stage.
Here he is, fully restored to his ageless beauty,
your Allfather!
[CHEERING]
Soldiers, functionaries, temps, and others servants of the Grail,
your Messiah has returned.
ALL: [CHEERING] Yeah!
My friends, at long last,
the apocalypse has...
MAN: An air date?
STARR: That's right.
An air date!
[ALL CHEERING]
[MAN SCREAMING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Your guy can get us in?
Hmm.
Good.
[MAN CONTINUES SCREAMING]
Feels like the end almost.
I guess we all gotta die sometime.
Yeah.
Patrick and Murphy.
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
They were out fishing at sea.
And the engine on the boat dies.
[LOUD CRASHING]
"Patrick, what in the hell are you doing that for?
"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."
[GUITAR CONTINUES PLAYING]
MAN: Oi, mate.
We heard you in line yesterday talking shit.
Talking shit?
MAN 2: About a man who commands a lot of respect around here.
Oh, no. No, I didn't mean that, okay?
Look, I've got nothing but respect...
No, no, no...
[GRUNTING]
Clapton is God!
ANNOUNCER: [ON PA] Attention, all pedophiles.
Please report to the news dispensary.
Attention, pedophiles, the news dispensary is now open.
Are you okay?
What the heck, guys!?
I feel okay.
Mmm.
[MAN CONTINUES SCREAMING DISTNATLY]
[KNOCKING]
Bollocks. Come in.
Look, I told you, man, I'm gonna help you out with the bodies tomorrow.
Cass.
JESSE: Tulip.
I'm back.
[CHUCKLES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]