I had him.
I had him dead to rights.
But you didn't want him dead to rights, HerrStarr.
You wanted to make him suffer. Yes?
So,
let's make him suffer.
I want to carve a vagina onto his head.
I think that falls under the category of suffering!
A vagina!
All due respect, My Lord,
but what is it that you want?
Yeah...
The great question of the universe.
Well, for one thing, what I want
is to know how my Child is doing.
Jesus is expected soon. He's representing Heaven at the conference...
Not him, the other one. The funny one.
The one you call "Humperdoo."
Oh! Yes.
Well.
That's a nickname. A term of affection.
How is he?
Thriving under your care, I trust.
Good. I saw him just this morning.
High spirits, as always.
Good.
God, I love that kid.
Yes, he's something else.
He's integral, to all of it.
To everything.
Yes, of course.
Do your part, Allfather,
and you will earn your long-lost reward.
Visage pristinus.
Handsome and unsullied.
That's what you want, yes?
Your looks back.
We're going to carve a vagina!
Into Jesse Custer's soul.
His soul?
Have faith, Allfather.
My great design is at work...
And it's going to be beautiful.
This is your Captain Steve.
Looks like we've hit a little patch of... something.
Please fasten your seat belts and try to remain calm.
Well, that was lucky.
That the best you got?
CASSIDY: You know what you look like to me,
with your good bag and your cheap shoes?
You look like a rube.
You're in a new mood.
Oh, well, nothing like a nice walk to lift the spirits.
Or a roll, if you will.
Vampire coming up, three minutes.
Copy that. Hold, please.
What's this? Emissary just arrived.
No shit. Which one?
Heaven or Hell?
FRANKIE: Oh, shit.
Not Heaven.
Did you see... Man, I should have taken a picture!
Whoo! Boy. Eh? Goose pimples, am I right?
And, listen, now that is true evil.
Not some make-believe Chianti-cannibal movie shrink
who's supposed to be scary 'cause he can get into your mind.
Nah, old Adolf, when he wanted to get in your mind,
he just cracked your skull open and took it. Am I right?
What's this shit now?
Yo!
Hey.
Where they at? Who?
"Who?" You're funny.
Where'd they go? You mean the guard fellas?
Yeah, I killed them.
Did you now? With what, your smart mouth?
I picked the lock with an angel feather,
then I snapped their necks before they had a chance to scream.
Let me tell you,
get your funny out now because when we get to Bensonhurst,
ain't nobody gonna be laughing.
Oh, shit!
Where you going, Frankie?
Go on.
What are you doing?
No, come on, not like this! Not like this!
Not like this! No!
No!
This ain't right. This ain't right.
Frankie. Frankie, listen to me! Frank!
Settle down.
The lambs are about to stop screaming.
Huh?
Sorry for the hold-up there, gents. Vampire coming up in three minutes.
Ha.
Buddy, are we dead?
We're not gonna die. Trust me.
Hitler was wrong.
What? Hitler was wrong.
We just survived a plane crash without a scratch!
It's a miracle!
You think now an itsy-bitsy little bit of rain
is gonna stop us? No siree! We're lost at sea.
Unregistered flight, no transponders, no instruments.
Compared to a West Texas thunderstorm, this ain't nothing!
We just gotta stay positive.
What's the point?
We're just gonna die anyway.
We're gonna get to Australia one way or another.
So cut your whining!
And be positive!
You're right!
Then what the heck are we gabbing here for, huh?
Let's bail!
You're just gonna sit there shampooing your hair?
Or are you gonna toss some water?
CASSIDY: Christ.
Where is she? "She" who?
You know who. Tulip.
I've known a few Tulips in my time.
And a handful of Daisys. And a single Rose.
Which Tulip might you be looking for?
The stupid one.
She blew off her boyfriend and came back here,
I'm betting for no good reason than to save your bony ass.
Why would she do that?
FEATHERSTONE: Like I said, she's really stupid.
You're right. She's super stupid.
But I haven't seen her.
You, mop up Frankie.
The rest of you, let's get him back downstairs.
HOOVER TWO: You.
Come with me.
FEATHERSTONE: Make sure those are tight.
Don't want our bait wriggling off the hook.
You call this tight? I can still feel me fingers, boys.
Not for long.
Now we wait.
So, how was Bensonhurst?
I can't believe she came back for me.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Wait, who?
Tulip. Ah, blessed girl.
Never doubted her.
Of course, she came back.
She's gonna keep coming back.
What's the problem with that?
The Emissary requires a personal valet.
TULIP: Mmm-hmm.
And you do not look him in the eye.
Do not speak to him unless spoken to.
No selfies. No autographs.
Sir.
I just remembered, I have a ton of work to do down in the prison area,
and my supervisor's probably freaking out as we speak.
How about I go down there and sort all that out, and then come back
to the Emissary suite, which sounds cool, by the way,
I just don't wanna abandon my duties, sir.
So, what do you think?
I think that for over 1,900 years,
Grail disciples have sacrificed, preparing themselves for the rewards
that will be brought forth by this summit between Heaven and Hell.
And by the man in this room.
For anyone to refuse the honor of playing even the smallest part in its apotheosis
would be so incomprehensible to me that I could only explain it as treasonous.
Right.
Hmm.
Nice.
Don't talk.
Don't speak, no selfies, and don't touch.
Yeah, you said that.
But if he touches you, you should respond... Positively.
MAN: Hey.
Jesus.
It's not the doing,
it's the trying, I always say.
Shut your hole, Birdman!
Christ. To be free as a bird.
To roost and preen and hunt!
Love bound to hatchlings as I return again and again
with regurgitated insect scraps.
Shut your hole! For like a minute. I dare you.
That's not a problem.
How long was that?
It was like six seconds. That felt like forever.
Where's your girlfriend? She coming?
She's not my girlfriend. Yeah, right!
She isn't!
I can't believe she came back for me.
You almost goobered into your galoshes...
It's my mate's girlfriend!
Forbidden love? The best.
Look, it's not love, you bastard! All right?
It's her pigheadedness. They've got me. She doesn't like it.
So she's coming to get me. And that's it. And they know it!
They know she's coming.
And when she does...
They're going to kill her.
That's a grievous turn of events.
Your forbidden love wandering into a trap like a mouse to the cheese.
A trap you're responsible for setting,
if we're being honest.
What to do? What to do?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna break out of these.
And then, I'm gonna kill you.
Huh.
Yeah.
STEVE: Would you look at that sun?
Ninety-three million miles away,
and you can still feel it.
Yeah, that's gonna work.
Whoo, boy. It's a good thing you told me not to bring pants.
My legs can really feel it now.
Jesus.
Where's that first-aid kit?
Yeah, first-aid would be great.
Like an aspirin or a shot of morphine. Or even a bone saw would be welcome.
Or you know what we can do? We can catch some fish
and just fry them up on my legs thighs.
Let me think. You know what? That's a good idea.
Now, thinking is like the answer to everything.
Can you be quiet? Good idea.
Yeah. Let's just take in the silence.
The sweet serenity of the sea.
Stop being positive!
Oh, my God!
Holy son of a...
Feel no pain!
That's so cool.
We're maybe gonna die out here, huh?
No, we're not gonna die.
Listen to me.
What is your name?
Steve. Steve.
All right, Steve, look.
This whole thing, your legs, the plane crash,
it's all just a test from God.
Like the prophets of old.
He doesn't want to kill us.
He just wants to see what we're made of.
And we're gonna show him, okay?
But what if I don't believe in God?
I wouldn't blame you for that.
You don't need to believe in Him.
Just believe in me.
Okay.
I mean, you got us this far, right?
You're to be my valet.
Yeah, uh...
Thing is, I don't really know a whole lot about, um, valeting.
But he said they're short-staffed... We're short-staffed. The Grail is.
Yeah, and I'm to be it. I will be valeting you.
What's your name?
Marnie Pomerantz.
I'm Jesus Christ.
What? Marnie, you're in trouble.
Do you mind? Oh. Yeah.
JESUS: Allfather.
Your Grace.
Masada is at your disposal.
Food court, gym, steam, sauna. There's a chapel... Somewhere.
Your counterpart from Hell has also just arrived.
I imagine... Allfather.
Your ear, it looks like...
Nothing to concern yourself about.
A surgeon assures me it's on the mend.
Ah.
Well.
If there's nothing else...
You're a most gracious host, Allfather.
Do I know you?
No, sir.
Your face is familiar.
TULIP: Uh...
Maybe you've seen me in the food court.
No. I know you.
Allfather.
When do I get to meet my Child?
My descendant. Flesh of my flesh.
I hear...
He's quite a dancer. Ah, indeed.
Fear not, Your Grace.
When the time is right, I am certain you'll have a glorious introduction.
Until then, Your Grace.
See? You are in trouble.
Jesus is asking after his Child.
Oh.
How are we progressing with the clone replacement?
Of course, we don't even have an airdate yet,
but, would he be presentable?
No one can know we lost him. Understand? No one.
Of course. I'll make sure the replacement is ready if need be.
Hmm.
Something else on your mind, sir?No.
Permission to speak freely, sir?
I can't help but notice a certain
languidness in you, as of late, sir.
As your sworn confidant, I'd be remiss in my duties to not remind you that...
Despite these recent setbacks,
you are still the sole and sovereign Allfather.
The full force of the Grail at your disposal.
The world at your fingertips.
And from where I stand, while things may seem at their darkest,
in my humble opinion, you are, in fact,
sitting pretty.
Presentation packet on your desk, sir. I'll leave you to it.
Hmm.
"Sitting pretty."
Make sure you tie off the knot.
And then...
Make the back stay tight.
Huh.
All we need now is some wind.
Where the hell did you learn how to do that?
A girl I know. She's good at this kind of thing.
Damn. Oh, this is nothing.
I once saw her build a land mine out of lawnmower and root beer.
STEVE: Yeah?
All I need is a woman who knows how to iron a dress shirt...
Shit, your arm!
My... My hand.
It was dangling in the water. A shark must have...
How did I not feel it?
'Cause I told you not to.
That's better.
But it looks like it's really hurt.
Hey. Here's the plan.
We're gonna sail to that beach in Australia.
We're gonna get a bunch of beers, a couple of nice steaks,
we're gonna sit in the sun and we're gonna get you fixed up.
That is the plan, right?
Oh, you son of a bitch!
I see what you're doing.
This is between me and you. Not him!
He's gonna die out here, unless you cut this shit,
and do something right now!
What'd he say?
He said "soon."
Oh, good.
Sooner's probably better than later.
Sorry I lied before.
You seem like a super nice person.
Obviously.
You seem like a nice person too, Marnie.
Actually, my name's Tulip. I lied about that too, I'm sorry.
I see.
Look...
I didn't mean to get you involved in all my sh... My stuff.
So I don't know. I'm just gonna get out of here.
To your friend?
Uh-huh.
The one who's in trouble.
Maybe I can help you.
Oh, wow.
That's like really cool of you, Jesus, but...
What is it, my child?
You don't think that I can help?
This isn't a "turn the other cheek" kind of thing.
Okay? This is a jailbreak.
Things are gonna get ugly. They're gonna get violent.
Possibly, deadly.
Oh, my. Yeah.
So, no, I don't think you can help.
We'll see.
GUARD 1: I need to go to the bathroom.
GUARD 1: I'm sorry, I really need to go.
GUARD 2: Chill. She will kill you.
GUARD 1: If I knew we were gonna be here this long...
GUARD 1: Okay, I went in my pants.
FEATHERSTONE: Jesus.
GUARDS: Jesus.
What a pleasant surprise. Can we help you?
I'm here to bless the prisoners.
"Prisoners"? This is the dungeon, yes?
You must have prisoners.
This is a dungeon, My Lord. Masada has many.
In fact, there's one in the north wing.
Mormons and pederasts. They'll be thrilled.
I'll have someone show you the way.
I want to bless the prisoners here.
This is just a training area.
There are no prisoners here.
CASSIDY: I said, "Shut up."
I'm sorry. I can't let you in.
You can do anything you want, my child.
Scale mountains, cross oceans,
crawl through the eye of a needle.
You can live forever.
All you have to do, is make way for me.
Jesus.
It's not gonna happen.
What?
It didn't work.
There you go.
Pop goes the weasel.
You could have just untied me.
Lung cancer, heart disease.
Being stabbed to death as I sleep by an angry ex-wife.
That's how I thought I'd...
But not in a raft.
With no hand and no pants.
I came out of a blackout once with no pants on.
Being chased by the Rodriguez brothers.
I promise you, I'd take this situation every day.
I should have had more sex with strangers.
I mean, I had sex with a lot, but...
I should have had more.
I think I'm ready for this test to be over.
SOON.
I'm ready.
I've done a lot of bad things in my life.
I've been mean and selfish.
I've been married four times.
And three times for the money.
But I'm done with all of that.
I believe in you now.
Save me, God.
Use your superpower and save me.
I'm not God.
But I saw what you can do.
Genesis does not work like that.
Use the power and save me.
Save me, God!
You promised I wouldn't die!
Please save me!
Do not die!
Live!
Oh, God.
The power.
You... You lied.
Jesus. It's a trap.
There are soldiers with guns, and they're waiting for you.
Waiting's over.
My child, this is madness.
Please. Let's find another way.
I don't know any other way.
Worship me.
What?
Kneel.
GUARD: Jesus.
Come on! What's the holdup?
Excuse us, Your Grace.
Some of us have jobs.
On your feet, let's go!
Hey, what happened?
Prisoner. He's gone.
JESUS: What do you think happened here?
He got himself out.
So, what do you do now?
Get out of here and go find Cass.
He's probably half-wasted somewhere already.
Then what?
Then...
Whatever the hell I want.
Can I come?
"When the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable,
"and the mortal with immortality,
"then the saying that was written comes true.
"'Death has been swallowed up in victory.
"'Where, O Death, is your victory?
"'Where, O Death, is your sting?'"
You know what? You're an asshole.
GUARD: I could get in real trouble here, sir.
Luger.
Okay, you've got five minutes.
Meing ott.
Look at you.
They say you have a talent, My Lord.
But I would like to see it for myself, ja?
Now...
Let's start with a bouncy one, shall we?
Ja.
Eins, zwei, eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Australia, huh?
You can hear him?
Okay.
So...
How do we get there?
Crikey!
Did you just crawl through the center of the earth, mate?
I would have thought that was physically...