NARRATOR: Eternity.
Imagine a place where perfection is timeless.
Where wisdom meets beauty.
Romance meets revelation.
Every time is like the first time.
[PIANO MUSIC]
Except you look even better.
It's our secret.
I'll never tell.
NARRATOR: Neither will we.
Toscani's face cream.
Aging doesn't have to be torture.
[MAN SCREAMING]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
FRANKIE: HerrStarr, he wanted to put you out in the sun to burn, but I said no.
I said, "Let me take care of him." 'Cause this guy is special.
This guy deserves... [GROANING] a forever-home.
You know... Hey.
You're gonna love Bensonhurst.
[LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Do your feet hurt?
My feet hurt.
[CROW CAWING]
So...
So you can hear the preacher?
Like every time he uses the power?
Is he far?
Like...
You know about how much further?
We could try driving.
I have my learners permit.
I think that would probably be a little bit faster.
Our feet wouldn't hurt so much.
We could try hitching.
WOMAN: Freak, go back to the circus.
It's all right.
We'll figure it out.
It's all part of God's plan.
God's gone.
Then that's part of God's plan, too.
Everything is part of God's plan.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
What the...
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
[LOW SCREECHING]
[COW MOOING]
JESUS: Can I help you?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my.
A preacher.
Yeah. There's a kid upstairs.
At the window. He seems pretty scared.
Mmm. Nothing more deliciously winsome than a fearful child.
Which is why he's booked for the week.
I was hoping you weren't gonna say something like that.
[GRUNTS]
But then you did.
Mmm.
DR. HIATT: I know it's not Christian of me,
but I hope they hang that preacher when they catch him.
Nah.
He's gone.
Luckily, you're fine.
A few contusions, scrapes and bumps,
but no broken bones, no hemorrhaging.
Okay. Good.
Never been a big hemorrhager.
So, back to work.
I got this co-worker who can't find his ass
without me holding the flashlight.
Love the dedication.
We'll have you out of here in no time.
You said I was fine.
On the outside.
But before you go, I'd like to run a psychological test
just to make sure there aren't any deeper unseen traumas
we may have missed.
That'd be okay?
Man, that sounds...
Ugh! Mmm.
What time is it?
It's 20 after 5:00.
Oh, flip, my shift starts at 5:30.
Give me a rain check? I'm sorry.
I can't release you without it.
Hey, Doc.
You've touched my shoulder twice now,
and I'm fine.
I think you need to just relax, and lie back down.
I said, "Don't touch me."
[GRUNTS IN PAIN]
[GRUNTING]
Ow!
Nobody...
Touches me.
[GUNSHOT]
[SCREAMS]
Here you go, Doc.
FRANKIE: I got it now.
I've worked with guys like you before.
Screw-ups, meatheads.
The repeat clients.
Guys who couldn't get out of their own way.
You know, they piss and moan about being unlucky, or some shit.
But it ain't luck that keeps them coming back.
It's guilt.
For some reason, they think they deserve it.
ARCHANGEL: So, here we are.
Lost in thought.
Plotting our next move.
Scheming our bloody revenge.
It's sick, sadistic, cruel,
even by Brooklyn standards.
We can only imagine the upbringing that would produce
such a rough-handed hooligan as that man.
We won't be happy until he's dying.
Gutted and gasping at our feet.
Right?
So what's the plan?
What are we gonna do to get out of this one?
Nothin'.
Right.
We lie in wait.
We wait, poised, patiently, in the tall grass.
And then, when the time's right,
we pounce and slash and rip and feast!
I mean, I'm not gonna do anything, all right?
Just let 'em take me.
Oh.
That's boring.
I like our other plan better.
Do you get hungry?
I'm hungry.
I will have the chicken fried steak.
Well done, with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy.
All blended together.
And for you? Whiskey.
No whiskey.
Hmm.
What? WAITRESS: This is a family establishment.
Chicken meat shakes is one thing, but if you want whiskey on top of it,
you boys best keep moving on.
How about
turtle pie?
Have you ever had that before? It's really good.
Delicious.
It's better than whiskey, I bet.
One turtle pie, please.
Not blended.
So...
You never told me how you know Preacher Custer?
He sent me to Hell.
Me too.
That must be why God wants us to find him together.
You're not gonna hurt him, are you?
Right.
See, to me, I just...
I feel like violence is never the answer.
No.
What do you have in mind that would suit him better?
An apology.
Someone comes along.
Kills your family, ruins your life, sends you to Hell.
In my book, an apology don't beat a bullet to the brain.
I'm not just talking about just any apology.
It's got to be sincere.
Well, we'll see what God's plan is for that.
I know.
I can't wait.
Do you ever go potty?
I'm gonna go potty.
And that was the last time she wore a bikini at breakfast.
Believe me.
[CHUCKLING]
Anyway...
[SIGHS]
You ever see Hoosiers?
The film about the white boys that almost win the basketball tournament.
Remember what got you here.
Focus on the fundamentals.
We've gone over time and time again.
If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential
to be the best that you can be,
I don't care what the scoreboard says,
at the end of the game,
in my book, we're gonna be winners.
Okay?
Or not.
So, Bensonhurst. Hmm.
Named after Egbert himself.
Great man.
If you like bastards.
Cannoli city.
The jewel of 18th Avenue.
I can smell the Italians already.
And the Chinamen.
We're one lucky dog.
Bensonhurst sucks.
Then why are we going?
Because I've got nowhere else to go.
Nowhere else I deserve to go.
I'm sensing backstory.
[FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHTER]
CASSIDY: Look. Sod off.
How am I supposed to get anyplace with you lot acting the maggot?
UNCLE: You're all grown up, aren't you?
No more messing around.
The brotherhood is counting on you.
Send those British wankers home.
Oh, I will, sir. I will.
Good lad.
Go make the Cassidys proud.
I'm gonna make all of Ireland proud.
You will see that.
Granny Bea.
Well...
I'll be keeping your Easter supper warm for when you come home to me.
Only if Da don't fleece it first.
If he so much as lays a hand on it, I'll box his ears.
I know you will, Granny Bea. I know.
[MAN WHISTLING]
That'd be Billy. He's come to collect me.
Hello there, Billy.
Hiya, Pronsias. Hello, Mrs. Cassidy.
Right.
Well, you boys take care of each other.
Oh, we will.
Those Lord Muck Brits are messing with the wrong blokes.
Ain't that right there, Billy?
We ought to get crackin'.
Now.
You'll come home safe to us.
The angels will be watching over you.
UNCLE: Good luck to you, Pronsias.Farewell.
Bye.
Make us proud, Pronsias.
Oh, we will.
Farewell, my boy.
♪ So it's fare thee well my own true love
♪ When I return united we will be
♪ It's not the leaving of Liverpool that grieves me... ♪
[EXPLOSION]
[GUNFIRE] [GRUNTS]
Shoot them all on-sight.
SQUAD LEADER: The time has come to answer the call,
to strike a blow against our oppressor
and proclaim an Irish Republic!
Yeah! Yeah!
Because of our deaths, we will live on forever in the minds of our people.
And our blood will flow in buckets to quench their thirst for justice!
Yeah! Yeah!
It's all right, Billy. He's just being inspirational.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go! MAN: Yeah! Let's go!
BILLY: Are you sure about this, Pronsias?
Yeah. Sure I am.
Let's make them proud, Billy, huh?
BRITISH SOLDIER: Looky here!
A survivor.
Hardy stock, these Irish. No?
BRITISH CORPORAL: Tough to kill, Sarge.
[GRUNTS]
BRITISH SOLDIER: All we can do is do our best.
[GRUNTS]
[GASPING]
[WEEPS SOFTLY]
[EXPLOSIONS]
[HOOVES CLOMPING]
BRITISH CAVALRYMAN: That's the thing about the Irish.
They're so desperate for anything.
Those Irish scum are going to pay for interrupting my Easter whoring.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[EXHALES]
[SQUELCHING]
[SCREECHING]
[GASPING]
[PANTING]
[SCREECHING]
[GASPING]
[SCREECHING]
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[WOMAN SINGING IN OTHER LANGUAGE]
[SNIFFLES]
In the end, [SNIFFLES] I just thought...
It's better they think I'm dead, you know?
Instead of seeing what I've become.
I turned my back on a friend in need.
And I got what I deserved, you know?
I don't blame you angel types for giving up on me.
Yeah.
Just another Irishman feeling sorry for himself.
ARCHANGEL: No, no, no.
Not at all.
We were touched. [SCOFFS]
[FARTS]
♪ So fare thee well
♪ My own true love
♪ When I return united we will be
♪ It's not the leaving of Liverpool
♪ That grieves me
♪ But my darling
♪ When I think of thee ♪
GRAMMY B: The angels will be watching over you.
[FEATHERSTONE GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
JESSE: Dear Tulip, I imagine you're pretty pissed
about me taking off in the middle of the night
without saying a word.
But sometimes, the letter is best
'cause when you write it down, it's kind of forever.
And the forever thing I wanted to say to you is
that I think you're a stupid, cheating, lying bitch.
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
Bad dream?
You ever see that movie
where the girl's head spun around
and she puked on everyone?
The Exorcist?
The Exorcist,yeah.
They tied her to a bed, too.
She was possessed by a demon.
They had to take precautions.
Yeah. Didn't do 'em any good.
In the end,
she still threw that
old do-goody priest out the window.
You suffered a head trauma.
Post-accident psych eval is Grail policy.
Come on, Doc. Listen to yourself.
We didn't join the Grail to follow policy.
We're here to...
To run things, get our own way, beat down unbelievers.
Actually, I joined up to help people.
Those in pain, especially.
[SIGHS] What are you gonna do?
It's an associative test.
It uses subjective interpretation and complex algorithms
to examine a person's emotional functioning
and detect thought disorders.[BED SQUEAKS]
God damn it.
Okay?
Good.
Now, let's see what's going on in that head of yours.
[WHIP LASHING] [WOMAN CRIES OUT]
[MAN LAUGHING]
[WOMAN SOBBING]
[GUNSHOT]
[WOMAN MOANING]
MALE CLIENT: Good. Now, say,
"Golly, gee, it's a scorcher."
JESSE: Come on, kid. Let's go.
My hour isn't up yet.
Yeah, it is.
It didn't fit, anyway.
[CHUCKLES]
You okay?
You're the one that looks jacked.
Yeah, well, some crazy witch just blew smoke in my face, so...
I gotta get you out of this place.
No, I'm good.
No, you're not good.
You're just a kid.
A kid making 35 bucks an hour in a third-world country.
Trust me, bro. You're the one with the problem.
Okay.
Let's go.
Told you you had a problem.
Stay here.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [ALL GRUNTING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC]
[GUNSHOT]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC ENDS]
I think you broke my nose.
[GRUNTING]
[REPEATED THUDDING] [GRUNTING]
What kind of preacher are you?
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
Forget what you saw in there.
I forgot my pants.
You don't need 'em.
It'll just take a minute.
[THROUGH WORD OF GOD] You don't need pants.
We're going to the airport, and I don't need pants.
And all of this unspeakable horror is the work of one murderous preacher.
Your linguistic skills are impressive.
Thank you, sir.
Perhaps a bit more hyperbole,
something along the lines of "evil incarnate."
Very good, sir.
May I ask you something?
That's what I'm here for, sir.
What is your impression of me?
Cunning, resilient, pitiless.
Yes, yes. Have to be in this line of work.
Of course.
And... Also attractive, as well?
Sir?
Despite my long and colorful history of mutilations,
I remain attractive.
Beautiful, even, don't you agree?
No. I do not.
I see.
Not that beauty
is all that important in the overall scheme of things.
No. I have no doubt efficiency, honor and moral clarity are of greater value.
But beauty is beauty.
And ugly isn't.
[DOOR OPENS]
Success, sir.
Figured it out.
Yes? Have you found the Christ child?
Uh, no, sir. Not him.
But her.
It was all a diversion.
Bitch made us look one way, then slithered past.
Classic wig-and-suit Trojan horse.
What is she talking about?
I think she's hysterical.
Who the hell are you?
This is the new Hoover. I call him...
Hoover Two.
And we're working.
So, kindly wrap up the hysterics and make your point.
Tulip O'Hare.
She's in Masada.
TULIP: Blood from an exit wound, .44 caliber.
I would say, blood again.
But from stabbing.
My second foster father's brain pieces
after being hit with a softball bat.
Hmm. Not brains or blood. Maybe like...
Guts sprayed like silly string across a refrigerator.
Oh!
And a little brains and blood. [CHUCKLES]
What? Oh, no. Nothing.
Let me just tabulate my notes.
I failed, didn't I?
There's no such thing as failing.
Bullshit. How'd I do?
The test results indicate that
you're an uninhibited deviant with a personality disorder
prone to psychopathic outbursts and a gun fetish.
And unresolved abandonment issues.
[SCOFFS]
All that, uh, it sounds, um...
About right, I guess.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Some people just
can't be helped.
♪ The man that drinks the small beer goes to bed quite sober
♪ Fades as the leaves do fade
♪ That drop off in October ♪
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Ah, Ireland.
A terrible thing of beauty she is,
with her wet corners and rushy bottoms.
Yeah.
I miss her something awful.
Alas. Plenty of Irish in Brooklyn, last I heard.
Plenty of Irish in Brooklyn.
MAN: Hey, in there.
Hello.
Uh...
Do you need some toilet paper or something?
What?
You just keep tapping my foot, so I thought maybe you needed something.
Yeah, buddy, I don't understand what you're saying.
Just put your mouth through the hole.
Huh.
That's cool.
Do you want me to pass you some toilet paper through there?
What?
Dude, just put your mouth through the hole. [UNZIPPING]
Uh...
Like this?
Whoa! Slow down there, big ass. I said put your mouth to the hole.
Whatever happened to foreplay?
[DOOR OPENS]
COP: Freeze! Hands up, perverts.
Sex detectives.
Face on the floor, freak.
Mr. Saint!
Mr. Saint! Mr. Saint!
Mr. Saint!
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
Back to the orphanage.
EUGENE: [MUFFLED] Hey, Mr. Saint!
Oh, my God! Mr. Saint!
Mr. Saint!
You think you could move over a little?
Trying to drive here.
Sure. Sorry.
[GUNSHOT]
Thanks, pal.
Sorry, sir... I'm allowed to smoke in here.
You're allowed to smoke in here.Yeah.
HITLER: Ugh!
Disgusting habit.
Unda waste of your power.
At the very least, you could have made her refill the cashews.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am... I know who you are.
Not many mustaches like that around anymore.
Yeah, I noticed this.
It will be fashionable again, I'm sure.
What do you want?
I'm in town for a conference and I heard you were here.
So I thought it would be nice to stop and say hello.
Undto tell you that there is nothing I would like more, Preacher Custer,
than for you to join me in Hell.
Satan is dead.
I am in charge now.
Pretty cool. Yeah?
Yeah.
Your parents must be real proud of you.
Oh, they are, when I'm not having them flayed alive with knotted whips. [CHUCKLES]
I can't wait for you to hear my plans and see all the changes I'm making...
I ain't going to Hell.
After what you have done?
You're coming, sooner or later.
Yeah. Well, we'll see about that.
[SCOFFS]
After you talk to God?
You are not going to talk to God because you're not going to get to God.
He will never let you get to...Let me.
You know what I can do?
What I have?
I know you have a great power.
[THROUGH WORD OF GOD] Get on your knees.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Not only a great power.
I have the greatest power in the universe.
[THROUGH WORD OF GOD] Put your hands around your throat and squeeze.
[COUGHS]
Harder.
[CHOKING]
Stop.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Let me. No one lets me do shit!
I'm going to talk to him.
Preacher.
I will see you later. Yeah?
[HONKING]
Of course.
Where is she?
I released her.
She's a goddamn lunatic.
There's no cure for that.
Idiot.
Okay. So where is the vampire?
Cass?
ARCHANGEL: I know. I miss him already.
Where'd he go?
Bensonhurst.
[CHUCKLES] Lucky bastard.
[LAUGHING]
God?
Please take that man to heaven.
And please forgive this man for shooting him.
Amen.
I don't like all this killing.
Tell that to God. It's his plan.
[THUD]
[BEEP]
FEMALE REPORTER: All this unspeakable horror is the work of one murderous man.
And now there is a worldwide manhunt
for a man called Preacher Custer,
who people here believe is evil incarnate.
[RUMBLING]
[ALARM BLARING]
This is your Captain speaking.
Looks like we've hit a little patch of something.
Please fasten your seat belts and try to remain calm.
Didn't even say goodbye.
Oh, shit.
[MUSIC PLAYING]