(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Come in ceremony
Come to be under blood
Bring all your tired lions
Another full house, huh?
Yes, and tomorrow night, too. It's Lent.
I was thinking I might take it off.
Go somewhere.
There's no law against movie-seeing. Bring me that whiskey.
Actually,
I was thinking I might go somewhere far.
Meaning what?
There's this girl back in Texas, from when I was a kid.
Just go check on her.
Anyway, that's what I'm thinking.
It's what I'm doing.
I'd come back, of course.
Someday.
Listen to me, you "someday" piece of shit.
We're all that's left in this place.
I am all the family you got.
Yeah, 'cause you killed all the rest.
What's that?
Speak up, boy.
You killed my family.
That's right.
I had your daddy shot.
Your mama, I killed myself.
I sliced her open with a small blade and I sucked up her soul.
But instead of wreaking vengeance,
you just stand there like a little girl, bringing whiskey. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, jeez.
You still think like a Custer.
That if you do just enough right and not too much wrong,
that there's still hope for you.
It's because you're afraid of Hell.
(LAUGHS) Oh, and you know what? I don't blame you.
(WALL CLOCK CHIMING)
(INHALES)
MARIE: Killing your Gran'ma.
Damning yourself to the flames.
What would your father say?
(SNIFFLES)
(SCREAMING)
(CHUCKLING)
I'm going.
You'll be back.
You should've killed her.
Yeah, well, now's your chance.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Sorry, Lil' Jesse.
You're gonna have to raise them hands.
Now, I know that she put you through your paces,
but, come on, she's your grandma.
Give me the gun, T.C.
(STUTTERS) And I believe there has to be a constructive, non-violent solution.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Give me the gun.
Christ.
Back up.
(EXCLAIMS)
(GASPING)
How many times you think you pointed this thing at me, T.C.?
Lil' Jesse, you don't hate me that much.
You wouldn't shoot me?
(IN NORMAL VOICE) No.
I guess I wouldn't.
See? I knew it. I knew it.
A constructive, non-violent...
(IN DEEP VOICE) Shoot yourself.
(SCREAMING)
JODY: Hey, kid.
You gotta go through me first.
JESSE: I like that idea.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Put it down.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I could make you cut your own throat if I wanted to.
JODY: But you ain't gonna.
No.
Let's go to the Tombs.
Hope for you yet, boy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(MAN GROANING)
(GUN COCKING)
(SIGHS)
My name is SS Reichsmarschall Rick Smith.
Here's my demand.
Send out Hilter and no one gets hurt.
Resist, and you will be liquidated.
If you're the SS, why are you wearing a Luftwaffe medal?
We're a mixed auxiliary unit.
The point is, I have a freaking tank and you don't.
So, release our Führer,
or I will have no choice but to tell my men to cut you down.
Those are my terms.
What is your answer?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (WHIP CRACKS) - (RICK SCREAMING)
- (MACHINE GUNS FIRING) - (EXPLOSIONS)
Get it off me! Let me go, damn it!
You're not going anywhere!
(SINGING) No stopping at the red light girl
Because I want to get your signal
No going at the green light girl Because I want to be with you now
You are my special You are my special
(SCREAMING)
Yo, Nazi.
Let's go.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
You said you'd changed...
I have my soul patch.
(GRUNTING)
- (EXPLOSION) - (RUMBLING)
(GUNSHOT)
Luger.
All those crows.
Do you think they pecked your daughter's eyes out
after she was dead?
Or while she was lying there, still alive?
Yeah.
I think so, too.
(TANK RUMBLING)
No! No, Eugene!
What would Jesus do?
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
Sorry.
These boots suck!
- (WHIP CRACKS) - She's really not that bad!
Could you just let us go...
...just forget about it?
So difficult and pretty.
So fun. You're gonna be a hit down in Hell.
(BLOWING)
(WHEEZING) I know you're trying to be all scary and stuff,
but your breath... Seriously.
(TURRET WHIRRING)
Not good.
Look out!
You see? I am a loving God.
Ah...
Betrayal, when committed by a loved one,
cuts most deeply.
Perhaps there's still hope for him.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
ECCARIUS: Change your mind.
Join me.
- Bugger off. - I'll let you die.
I won't want to, but I will.
Yeah, well, go ahead.
I've had a good run.
You've barely had 100 years.
You've never had a Château Lafite.
You've never seen a tiger in the wild.
Cassidy, you've never been to Asia.
Well, maybe there's an Asia when you die, you know?
Maybe there's not.
Maybe there's no sex, no food, no music.
Maybe there's nothing.
You'd choose that over what I can offer you?
Over lying, cannibalism and murder?
- Yeah, sure. - No.
Over love, pleasure, life.
This.
- What is that? - It's a pipe.
I ordered it specially.
See, you sprinkle your drugs in this end, and on this end...
I know how a bloody pipe works, you moron.
- What's it off? - A unicorn.
Your favourite.
It's this...
Or burn.
Nice trick.
Freeing one of my children from Hell is my favourite trick of all.
Bunch of Nazis and a tank. I was figuring it out.
No, you were going to Hell.
But I am a merciful God.
What about Eugene, huh?
You gonna be merciful with him, too?
- Which one's he? - With the face.
Oh, oh, right.
Uh, no.
His path is different.
I've come for you, to lift your curse.
From this day forward, the name O'Hare will be blessed.
Yeah?
What do you get?
The joy that only giving brings.
And?
Tell Jesse Custer to stop looking for me.
To stay away.
Genesis cannot, must not,
interfere with my great design. Go to him.
Stop him,
and then you will know true peace and be forgiven.
You know,
I don't need forgiveness.
(SCOFFS) Right.
Tulip O'Hare, pure as the driven snow.
Yeah,
I done some bad things. Things I ain't proud of.
For Christ's sake, you killed a man with a corncob.
I'm not perfect, I know that.
But I don't need your forgiveness.
I mean, I made it this far without it, didn't I?
Oh.
So be it.
- Free will... - Damn right.
...has its consequences. For you and for those you claim to care about.
- What's that mean? - Your friend Cassidy.
- Yeah, what about him? - He's in grave danger.
I was going to help, show you I'm a loving God,
but sounds like you don't need me at all.
I call bullshit.
Go see for yourself.
But you better hurry. The danger is quite grave.
Mmm-mmm.
This is one of your tricks, a distraction to keep us off your ass.
Well, forget I mentioned it.
Let's just stand here by the water and enjoy the silence.
You're a dick.
(SNIFFS)
You're welcome.
Yeah, I see you. Give me a sec.
EUGENE: Out!
(PANTING)
SIDNEY: Wait. I shouldn't have said that about crows,
about your girl's eyes.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry. I didn't really...
(GRUNTING)
(SQUISHING)
My eyes!
(GRUNTING)
Time to go.
What about Tulip?
(SIDNEY GRUNTING)
Her lucky day.
Welcome, you motherless goat-humpers.
(CHUCKLES) I always wanted to say that. Okay, now...
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
That was different.
(CASSIDY GROANING)
CASSIDY: Well, I'm not playing pool again.
ECCARIUS: Can I get you anything?
CASSIDY: Yeah.
There's a drink in my coat.
I saw a unicorn once, you know.
I remember. You told me.
Thank you.
(EXHALES)
- Better? - Than being crucified?
A touch. Coolant?
Actually, no, scrap that.
You're the one who threw up three wine coolers the other night.
Give it to me. Thank you.
Jesus.
It's gonna be days before I can masturbate properly.
Mmm.
Well, we can't have that.
I've got some squirrel blood in the freezer.
It's quite restorative.
It's better than cat or dog.
I just cheated death,
and I got back with my handsome lunatic friend.
I don't want any of your goddamn squirrel blood, all right?
He's repented. He wants to be with us again.
(ALL MURMURING IN APPROVAL)
Blood ceremony to celebrate.
Who will take flight?
Perfect.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
I was looking for this.
Took it from your daddy, years ago.
You stop that.
We Custers don't cry,
we fight.
(GUNSHOT)
JODY: Remember that night, boy?
I remember.
(CHOKING)
(GRUNTS)
- (THUDS) - (GRUNTS)
(THUDDING)
Today was the day.
Oh.
Go get two cans of gasoline.
- Two cans? - (IN DEEP VOICE) Go get them.
Proud of you, boy.
(CHUCKLES)
Comfy, actually.
Although, after, I may need a lint roller on my backside.
Dinnertime.
- Christ. How's that coolant feeling? - Fine. Fine.
- All right, well, go on. After you. - No, no, after you.
Hey, listen.
Have you ever...
Hmm. (CLEARS THROAT)
Mrs Rosen, would you have any objection at all to a ménage à trois?
On the contrary, I'd be honoured.
Tie your life to ours and allow us to do the same.
- Yes. - Are you ready to pass through?
- Yes. - Yeah, she's ready.
What's that? What is...
Bite marks.
What's going on?
Answer me.
What have you done?
(HISSING)
- (ALL SNARLING) - (SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
How many calls to his flown children did you make, Mrs Rosen?
Eighty-seven.
And how many answered?
None.
So you turned her.
(SNARLS)
CASSIDY: She turned the rest.
Now what?
Go back to your loveless and lonely existence?
Well, yeah, probably.
But first, dinnertime.
(ALL SNARLING)
(MUNCHING)
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(ECCARIUS SCREAMING)
All right, let's go.
Ain't you gonna kill me?
I don't hate you that much.
Come on.
Nah, I'm good.
Angelville, I knows it's wicked and evil and all that, but...
I got nowhere else to go.
Are you sure?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Good seeing you again, Lil' Jesse.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) I give my life for thee
My precious blood I shed
That thou might ransomed be
And raised up from the dead
I gave my life for thee
What hast thou giv'n for me?
And I have brought to thee
Down from my home above
Salvation full and free
My pardon and my love
Rich gifts I brought to thee
What hast thou brought for me?
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
MARIE: Welcome home.
Is that for me?
What's in there, you could live for another 100 years at least.
- My debt is paid. - Not so sure about that...
- (DEEP VOICE) Say "Your debt is paid." - Your debt is paid.
Release Tulip.
(RETCHES)
(COUGHS)
(MARIE PANTING)
- Jesus. - Jesus has nothing to do with this.
Fine. You won.
Go on,
leave your poor Gran'ma all by herself.
I've tried that once before.
Walking away, leaving you behind.
It didn't work.
Wherever I went, Angelville was with me,
in the back of my head, like some kind of bad dream.
But today's the day I wake up.
Today's the day I'm gonna kill you and burn this house to the ground.
- You think so? - Oh, I know so.
Been thinking 20 years on how I'm gonna do it.
Well, I figured, no better way than to strap you into your own machine
and turn you to dust.
Well, if it's my time for Heaven...
Heaven?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're going straight to Hell.
I hate to break it to you, but...
I made a deal with my gentleman caller.
You know, Satan.
And we came to a new agreement.
If you kill me,
when you die, you're the one going to Hell.
What did you do?
(CHUCKLES)
JESSE: Oh, God.
I'm not walking out of here with you still breathing.
Don't be so upset, Jesse.
I saved your girl.
You got your power.
You're free of me.
Sweetheart, you won.
But you won, too, didn't you, Gran'ma?
One hundred years' worth.
No.
One hundred more years than my daddy got.
No, I mean it.
One hundred more years than my mama had.
One hundred more years of you being a rotten piece of shit!
These are mine. That's the deal.
Like you said, Gran'ma. "New deal."
(IN DEEP VOICE) Destroy them.
(WHIMPERING)
MARIE: No.
No.
(SCREAMS) Jesse!
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(ENGINE STARTING)
(SINGING) I should be glad we parted
I guess
I should be glad that it's over
And you...
She's right. I got what I came for. I won.
Doesn't feel like it.
No, it doesn't.
(GRUNTING)
You'll burn in Hell for this.
Maybe, someday,
but today, you burn.
(SOBBING) Jesse. Jesse.
Jesse! No, no, no!
(SCREAMS) Jesse! No, Jesse!
- (SCREAMING) - (ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Jesse!
(EXCLAIMING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Now what?
Get a Dustbuster. Maybe a sponge.
But after that, now that we're night wraiths?
Well, you can stop calling yourselves "night wraiths," that's for one.
Christ. You're just bloody vampires now, all right?
Right. But what do we do?
Whatever we bloody want.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Tulip?
All right. All right, slow down now.
What's that?
TULIP: I've been trying to call you, Cass. Are you okay?
Like, you're not in any danger, are you?
Where are you?
Got it. And you sure you're okay?
Well, I've been to the far side of the moon and back, actually.
But I think the danger portion's over now, so...
All right, well, I'm on my way.
- Tulip? - Yeah?
I, um...
Yeah, Cass?
WOMAN: Hey, look who it is. MAN: Hey, Hoover's back.
MAN 2: Hoover!
(ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING)
Hoover.
What do you mean, "Hoover"?
CASSIDY: (STAMMERS) It's all right. It's all right.
It's just Hoover. He's cool now, all right?
Don't worry about it. Listen, I'll see you soon.
Thanks for calling me up, all right?
All right, see you in a bit.
(SNIFFLES)
So...
Where's the party?
(ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
So, I'm back at the Grail office, I get your text, and I say to myself,
- "Why am I here?" - Hmm.
The hours suck, my boss is crazy,
and the benefits aren't even that good, you know?
'Course not. They're corporate bastards.
What are you even doing back there?
I thought we agreed no more being a dick.
F.J.: You're right.
Old habits.
- So, you guys have all turned as well? - (ALL MURMURING)
- They're already bored. - Heh.
All right, go on. Back to work, you buggers.
I was just about to get really high
and blast some Nickelback, if you're up for that.
Come on.
You know, you saved my life back there.
Got you a present.
- Oh. - Wanted to return the favour.
An umbrella. Very droll, secret agent man.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you very much.
Open it.
Indoors? I'm pretty sure that's bad luck, mate.
(RUMBLING)
What the hell is that?
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
It's good luck today.
- (CEILING CRASHING) - (VAMPIRES SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
What the hell did you do?
I lied. The benefits are great.
You know I eat horse tranquillisers for breakfast, don't you?
I told them. That's whale.
(HUMPERDOO MUTTERING)
TULIP: Cass?
(WOOD CREAKING)
Some men took him.
- And a woman. - Dressed in white.
(SCOFFS)
God.
It wasn't until this moment
that I understood what my purpose was.
But now I know.
It's to say:
You're a bad person.
But it's never too late to change that.
Open up your heart and talk to God.
You guys used to be like... best friends, right? So...
...call him and apologise.
I just realised,
I have a purpose, too.
(GRUNTS)
Get your ass outta your head, doofus.
God's gone.
You didn't have to do that.
Him? (LAUGHS) We were just joking.
Anyway, you did your part bringing these two chuckle-heads back.
And now for my part of the bargain.
- (THUDS) - (SATAN GRUNTS)
We'll take it from here, Sidney. Thank you.
Not sure what happened there, but I assume she had it coming.
What would this unfortunate preacher's name happen to be?
Jesse Custer.
I love the synergy.
I just got a deal going involving Custer.
Figures right into my expansion plans.
See, you kill him, and he and his little power come to Hell.
(CHUCKLES) Anyway, won't keep you any longer.
Go without God, as the saying now goes.
(COCKS GUN)
How dare you pull a gun on the Prince of Darkness.
I will flay you into 1,000 pieces.
My daughter.
The crows. Was that your idea?
Okay, okay. Hold on. Everybody take a breath.
Was it?
(STAMMERS) I was in on the meeting when it was discussed.
Sure. All right? But it wasn't my idea.
Whose was it?
Don't be stupid.
It was God's,
of course.
Oh.
Now,
I suggest you put that gun down right now,
or you and I are gonna have a problem.
Too late.
You crazy son of a...
(BATS SQUEAKING)
You can't do that!
The rules have changed.
You were right. You don't belong here.
Let's go.
Good idea. Let's get out of here.
Just him. Not you.
Plum cake, sir?
Yeah.
Extra flaky crust.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
EUGENE: Jesse?
He's still alive?
The preacher that sent me here?
The preacher that left me here?
I'm going with you.
(ENGINE REVVING)
- (TYRES SCREECHING) - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey.
You okay?
Family's overrated.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
Ready?
Ready.
CASSIDY: (SINGING) Down on the ground
I listen to the long droning sound
Of sinners a-plenty Our pain, it runs deep
Deeper than oceans
Deeper than sleep
Holy shit.
F.J.: Cassidy's resting peacefully.
Not for long.
My favourite torturer is flying in from Bensonhurst.
Frankie Toscani?
Wow.
The hat, Hoover.
Are you mocking me?
No, I'm a vampire now, sir. Remember?
I thought you were joking.
Uh, no. (CLEARS THROAT) It's true.
But let me assure you, it will have no impact whatsoever on my job...
(SCREAMING)
- (GROANING) - (FIRE BURNING)
Idiot.
(F.J. SCREAMING)
What happened here, sir?
Hmm?
Oh.
We're going to need a new Hoover.
I'll look into it, sir.
Gonna be tricky, don't you think?
Getting Custer to be our Messiah. Now, after everything.
I don't want him to be my Messiah.
So, why are we waiting for him?
Custer has humiliated me for the last time.
I'm going to torture him in the most horrible ways ever imagined.
And then, I'm going to kill him.
Love it. The great chess match for world domination continues.
I'm tired of chess matches, Flufferman.
It's time to play some fucking checkers.
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)