[Allfather] Here He comes,
- [chuckles] - The Light Upon the World.
Huh.
[grunts]
[chuckles]
Oh, yeah. He is somethin' else.
[groans]
Any last words, Mr. Custer?
Yeah. I have a gun in my pocket.
Wit, till the very end.
I do. I have a gun in my inside pocket.
[gun cocks]
See? Starr wanted me to kill you.
Then he shall know my buttocks
as few men ever have.
Now untie me.
[chuckles] You jest.
Well, you're gonna kill me as soon as this works, right?
Of course.
Then let me die on my knees before God.
You have your guards.
You have the gun. You have your Messiah.
Let me die a Christian.
- [handcuffs click] - [grunts]
Not very trusting, are you?
On your knees, man of God.
[grunts] Oh.
Forgive me.
Amen.
Nothing more?
- [electricity crackles] - [screaming]
- [gunshots] - [grunts]
[both screaming]
[groans]
No use struggling, Christian.
I will have Genesis.
[both grunting]
[shouts]
Oh, blessed almighty!
[grunts]
[theme song playing]
[Featherstone] ♪ Onward Christian soldiers
♪ Marching as to war ♪
♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪
♪ Going on before ♪
♪ Christ, the royal Master ♪
♪ Leads against the foe ♪
- [whip cracks] - [coughs]
[choking]
No more singing.
[coughs]
[spurs jingle]
- [coughs] - [chokes]
Hey.
Where you goin' with my briefcase? Hmm?
Give it back right now
and maybe I don't beat the snot out of you.
[exhales shakily]
Small woman, do you know who I am?
Yeah, you're the creepy skank that stole our briefcase.
I have other names.
[voice distorts] Abaddon. Azrael.
The Angel of Death.
What about...
Satan's bitch?
He's your boss, right?
Told you to go on up there and grab "Tulip O'Hare"?
Well, you done that part right.[chokes]
But the part you did really wrong...
was walk off with somethin' meant for his old lady friend.
Madame L'Angelle?
Your boss made a deal,
and I'm guessin' he's gonna rip your pretty little head off
when he hears you screwed up.
[chokes]
[sniffing]
I don't like you.
You don't have to.
You just gotta brush your teeth every once in a while
and give me back the goddamn briefcase.
[bus horn honks]
[choking and coughs]
[inhales sharply]
I'll be seeing you.
- [whip cracks] - [coughing]
It's not... It's her, not me.
Wait, I can't go to Hell! I am a servant of God!
[coughing]Look.
Listen...
I don't know who this O'Hare chick is, okay?
But I know it ain't her.
TULIP! TULIP!
Tulip O'Hare! It's me, Eugene!
- [whip cracks] - [grunts]
[grunting]
So long, Tulip.
- [whip cracks] - [grunts]
What a great surprise!
[engine starts]
Fuck.
They were dead long before they met me.
You have to understand,
everyone that comes here is lost.
They've given up on mortality. They're seeking something more.
So I show them the promise of the vampire life,
before they learn about the reality.
The torment of our existence.
You're a bloody mental case.
I think you actually believe your own bollocks, don't ya?
Listen to me... I've been listenin'.
Cassidy... "I kill people to set them free."
That's mental. You sound like you're in a Kevin Spacey movie.
Only on top of that, it's a bloody lie.
You've been killin' all these people for all these years
because you like it!
It gives you power and it feels good.
So just admit it. All right. [sighs]
Cassidy, you have to try it.
The rush! I mean, you would love it.
We'll do it together, my fondest wish.
Ever since the first time we met,
I knew I wanted to do this with you.
They're not drugs, you arsehole. They're people!
All them hundreds you killed were people.
Lisa... Jesus Christ, do you remember Lisa?
She trusted me. They're losers!
Desperate posers just like you said.
And if they want to be like us and play with death? Fine.
Let's play.
I'm going out there.No.
I'm going out there, and I'm gonna tell them exactly who you are.
I can't let you do that.
I won't let you.
[grunts]
[breathing heavily]
This is what you've been looking for all along.
Someone to accept you and your flaws.
Just accept me and mine.
[grunts]Please, Cassidy.
We're this close to happiness.
I'd rather be sad.
Go on, just get it over and done with.
No. [sighs]
It's going to be worse than that.
Very impressive, Messiah.
[groans]
Mission accomplished.
[inhales deeply]
[air squeaking]
[squishing]
[clatters]
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ The Lord is come ♪
♪ Let Earth receive her King ♪
♪ Let every heart ♪
♪ Prepare Him room ♪
♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ And Heaven, and Heaven And nature sing ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ The Lord is come ♪
♪ Let Earth ♪
♪ Receive ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ The Lord is come ♪
[both grunting]
Bravo, Messiah.
We did it.
[booming] On your knees.
[Humperdoo groans]
You son of a bitch.
I should make you eat everything in this goddamn room.
Your head looks like a dick.
So I've been told.
Suits you.
Well, Starr. I think we're done.
[Humperdoo chuckles]
So if there's nothin' else...
- Just the apocalypse. - [Humperdoo groans]
[neighs]
[chuckles]
[Starr] Left on our own,
we'll have to stop the end of the world...
his way.
[moans]
[Starr] Allfather and the Grail have infiltrated
all the nuclear weapon states.
Their agents wait, poised...
ready to loose their nuclear arsenals upon the world...
once they receive...
"The Old Soft Shoe" plays in background ♫
...the signal.
♪ Give me that old soft shoe I said that old soft shoe ♪
- ♪ A one, a two... ♪ - [Starr] Two thousand years
after the Romans nailed His only begotten son to a cross,
the Grail, protectors of the bloodline,
will roll out Jesus' direct descendant.
- Enable missiles. - Number one enabled.
- Two enabled. - Three enabled.
- Go! Go! Go! - ♪ Play me that old soft shoe ♪
♪ And nothing else will do ♪
♪ That's the dance My darling used to do ♪
[cheers and applause]
[Starr] And the world will have their chance
to accept him as their savior..
...or reject him
and face eternal damnation in the coming apocalypse.
The Grail has already infiltrated
all the nuclear weapon states,
missiles will fly.
And when the music stops...
the unbelievers will burn.
[moaning]
[Starr] But the believers will survive
and follow him to a new paradise on Earth.
Ooh! [chuckles]
- [music distorting] - [projector clacking]
That is the worst apocalypse plan I have ever heard.
[sighs] I agree. Allfather was a lunatic.
You can't kill everyone.
Just the undesirables.
Hipsters, Presbyterians, trade unionists...
the Danes.
A few dozen delicately placed,
low-yield fissile devices ought to do the trick.
With you as Messiah,
we'll have this dung-hole of a planet
buffed back into shape in no time.
[groans and chokes]
You are obviously as batshit crazy
as Allfather was,
so I'm gonna make this as clear as I can.
For the last time,
I am never gonna be your Messiah.
Okay.
Fine.
[groans]
[inhales deeply][Humperdoo moaning]
I'll just go to the backup.
[moaning continues]
[chuckles]
I can't let that happen.
Don't see there's anything you can do about it,
other than to agree to take his place.
[chuckles]
I'll get rid of him.
[chuckles] You won't. I read your file.
You're not a murderer.
[splattering]
Not that kind of murderer anyway.
Be reasonable.
He may be a moron
but he's the 17th generation progeny of Christ himself.
[gun cocks]
The Grail needs a Messiah.
It's our entire business model!
[booming] Stop!
I'm sorry, Starr.
You're gonna need a new business.
[sighs]
I still can't believe it!
Running into you... Like this.
Yeah, crazy.
[grunts]
So you're going to Hell, huh?
Not if I can help it. [grunts]
I always heard you liked to fight...
and curse... and were...
promiscuous but I guess I didn't realize things had
gotten so far out of hand.
This is a mistake.
I am not supposed to be going to Hell.
Oh my gosh! Me too!
The only place I'm supposed to be going
is off this damn...
bus!
[sighs]
Ja. Not surprised.
I drove this Hollen Express for many years...
no one ever got off.
Not without help anyway.
We don't want your help.
[Hitler] I wasn't offering it.
I was merely making conversation.
Ok, well maybe we don't want to have a conversation with you.
It's a free country.
Well silence is golden, so...
Quiet, woman! You'll...!
Now look what you've done!
[spurs jingling]
I was telling her "Behave yourself"!
How's your back?
My advice to you is just sit tight.
I don't sit tight.
Sittin' tight is not an option.
She saved your ass back there.
Please. I was talkin' my way out of there just fine.
And she was on her way to Hell sooner or later anyway.
Man, you're a bitch.
What are you, a Boy Scout?
So, she's gonna eat these?
Then what?
- [animal squeals] - [thud]
[Featherstone] Is that a paw or a hoof or a...?
Pain in the ass is what it is.
Gonna take a while to clean out all the... whatnot.
You got the souls. I'm out.
Herr Starr doesn't do well for long stretches without me.
[footsteps depart]
[indistinct conversations in distance]
[breathing heavily]
Guys! Guys!
W-We all... We all gotta get out of here right now before he gets back.
He's a... He's a bleedin' maniac!
D'you know what he's done to your mates?
What he's gonna do to all of yous?
Nobody's "flying" anywhere. Do you know what?
I am gonna bolt. I'm gonna bolt right now.
Come on, let's go. Who's coming with me?
Come on. We should all go right now! Come on!
What? You killed Mr. Hoover.
Listen to me. I didn't kill Mr. bloody Hoover.
I stopped him killing Hoover. He killed Lisa. He killed Deng.
He's killed all the others and he's gonna kill you, too,
just so he can flit about in the bloody sky.
I mean, God knows what else he can do.
Listen, listen, Eccarius is...
What? Ay, he's standin' right behind me?
Well, my children...
Cassidy paints quite a vivid portrait.
Who we gonna believe?
This, uh, bitter, destructive lost soul
who we welcomed with open arms?
In return, he brought the Catholics
right to our very doorstep.
Hang on. Hang on a minute.
Or your Lord who loves you?
Who has always and will always love you?
He loves you? You're his fix.
Says the junkie who hates you
almost as much as he hates himself.
All right, I did. I said some harsh words when I first got here.
- That doesn't... I don't... - Yes, what exactly
did Cassidy call us when he arrived?
Eejits.
[all murmuring]
Stupid posers.
[chuckles] An example must be made.
None of yous touch me![Eccarius] There you are, my children.
The truemaniac amongst us.
[growls]
An example must be made.
We're innocent and we're escaping together.
That is God's plan...
...that is the reason we're here.
I don't know about that.
Hey, either of you guys got a dime
or, like, a dime-like thing?
Something like this?
Good, Eugene.
See!
God has a plan.
Yeah.
I don't like zis.
I think we should just be waiting for Rick to rescue us.
Who the hell's Rick?
My Reichsmarschall Rick from Circuit Works.
He and his SS shock troops should be...
[sighs] He said he was coming.
We're gonna escape down there?
Not exactly.
Gimme one of your buttons.
But I earned these.
What about the girl?
Was she with a preacher?
Or did she die alone?
She didn't die at all.
Satan told me to grab her off the street.
What about the rules?
Don't be a Pollyanna.
Your deformity boy isn't dead either.
It's the Wild West, cowboy.
God's gone.
There are no rules.
Not that the old ones did your wife and kid any good.
[crows cawing]
I'm gonna drop these in the drive shaft,
the cuffs will anchor the chain
so it can catch on the flange yoke
where the U-joint meets the differential.
Once the U-joint jams,
then the crown gear will seize
and either one or both of the axles are gonna lock.
You're gonna hear this big, loud screech,
and the whole back of the bus
is gonna start fishtailing.
We might even flip.
But once we're stopped,
we're gonna have long enough to make a run for it.
That's it.
How do you know all of this stuff?
Foster care.
Brace yourself.
Ready?
One... two...
[whimpers]...three.
[clanging]
[sighs]
[booming] Freeze.
[groans]
[chuckles]
Whoa.
[moaning]
Humperdee?
[moaning]
[laughs]
[moaning]
Whoa.
Oh! [chuckles]
Whoa.
[chuckles]
No! Don't do it!
I need a messiah, Messiah.
[groans]
[chuckles]
[muffled voices in distance]
[man, muffled voice] Humperdoo.
[moans]
Ohh? Ohh?
W-W-Wha...
[muffled voices in distance]
[moans]
- [man 2] Humperdoo. - [man 3] Humperdoo.
[man 1] Humperdoo.
[moans and chuckles]
[voices, muffled] Humperdoo...
No!
Custer, you maniac!
[man singing in Spanish]
[dance music playing]
[clones moaning]
- [horn honks] - [body thuds]
[booming] Relax.
[sighs] You don't know what you've done.
Stopped an apocalypse.
Two, by the sounds of it.
Not a bad day.
Here's the last of your "Tom/Brady" cocktail.
- [clatters] - [glass shatters]
Genesis is mine.
So, we find ourselves adversaries once again, Custer.
I've got a date with a mean old lady.
Give her my love.
[Jesse] One more thing.
[booming] No more hats.
[indistinct conversations]
[siren wailing]
[booming] Stop![tires squeal]
[grunts]
[screams]
[pool balls clattering]
[groans]
It pains us to do this, [groans]
But there's no worse offense than to betray your own kind.
[grunts]
It's time.
Kevin, the drapes.
[grunting]
Ooh, that's embarrassing.
Should we move him into the light?
No.
We'll let the sun come to him.
[Cassidy grunts]
[sizzling]
Give me time to collect something.
And give Cassidy...[grunts]
More time to reflect.
I'll make a lasagna.
[groans]
Here's an idea...
we build a bomb.
[Hitler] Rick should be here by now.
I gave him directions. Where the hell is he?
Shut up!
Hitler, no one is going to save you!
[clears throat]
Right, so um...
We build a bomb...
then we put it up against the window
and the force of it...
...window explodes... we jump out.
Where you going?
Build a bomb.
[in German] That bitch is crazy!
Yeah.
She's the best.
[Featherstone] Fetching, sir.
Especially like the mutton chops.
I feel duty bound to inform you
of a significant lifestyle change.
I am a vampire.
But I assure you,
it will have no impact whatsoever
on my job performance or professionalism.
[clears throat]
I... I think it's on backwards.
No, I was wrong.
[inhales deeply]
Son of a whoring bitch!
So, here's the thing.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Be my guest.
Seriously, though.
Go ahead.
You wouldn't be the first person pissed herself on this ride.
Would I be the first to call you a dumbass leather skank?
[voice distorting] You'd be the first and the last.
What?
Huh?
Yeah, you better look away.
Oh, I ain't scared of him. Not anymore.
Not since a preacher I know pretty much beat his sorry ass.
No wonder they made you errand boy after that mess.
I'm no one's errand boy.
Bus ride babysittin'?
[scoffs]
Sounds like errand boy shit to me.
I'm surprised they didn't just make him Satan's ass-wiper.
[chuckles]
Whatever she did...
Mr. Saint, I'm sure she is very sorry.
He's right. I... I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have called you an errand boy.
I should've called you an errand bitch.
[grunts]
[groans]
[exhales sharply]
Did it work?
[exhales]
You built a bomb.
They want to be vampires and change the world,
but try gettin' them to pick up after themselves.
[groans] Could... Could I trouble you for a beverage?
I got... I got an awful throat on me here.
Energy drink? Ooh, yeah. Go on.
I could do with a caffeine bump.
I've been nappin' through me own crucifixion.
[chuckles] Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr. Cassidy.
Handsome and funny and they all look up to you.
[chuckles]
Too bad you turned out to be such a rotten piece of shit.
Christ, you can never be too sure about people, huh?
And now here you, nailed to a pool table with tent stakes.
It's just so disheartening, Mr. Cassidy.
I feel the same.
Well, hopefully you'll burn quick.
Although I doubt it with all these soda spills.
Mrs. Rosen?
You've been very kind to me, you know?
Like me dear old Granny B used to be.
God rest her soul. [chuckles]
Can I be greedy and ask for one small act of kindness?
I won't let you go, Mr. Cassidy.
No, no, no, no, of course not.
Just one last request
for a vampire condemned.
You know the flown children?
You have all their numbers, right? Right?
Lisa, she's in Poland.
You just call her up.
Tell her I'm sorry, all right?
Okay so, we're going about 40 miles per hour,
but there's a grass shoulder.
So when we break the window, we're gonna go out feet first.
You gotta jump as far away from the side of the bus as possible
so you don't get run over.
Stabbed in zeback again. Just like 1918.
When you're in the air, you're gonna tuck your body
like you're doin' a cannonball into a swimming pool.
Do not break your fall with your arms, okay?
Once you feel the ground, you're gonna roll, roll...
Get out of my way!
Auf Wiedersehen, suckers!
[explosion]
"Du Schaust Mir Viel Zu Tief..." plays ♫
[woman singing in German]
[groans]
[ominous music plays]
I was... I was having the most wonderful dream.
That's nice.
Jody's not back yet...
and... and there's no word from Lil' Jesse.
[Gran'ma] Jesse'll be here.
He'll come back.
He gave me his word.
A...a...and you believe him, Miss Marie?
Well, of course I do.
He's coming to kill me.
Thanks, fellas.
[booming]
Back to work.