1 00:00:06,654 --> 00:00:10,324 JASON: So you telling me I can't get any pancakes at this IHOP? 2 00:00:10,699 --> 00:00:12,034 It's not the place you're thinking of. 3 00:00:12,118 --> 00:00:14,703 This is the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes. 4 00:00:14,954 --> 00:00:16,872 It's the crossroads of all dimensions. 5 00:00:17,081 --> 00:00:20,167 Like Grand Central Station, but for space and time. 6 00:00:20,334 --> 00:00:23,212 If you eat anything in this IHOP, you will literally explode. 7 00:00:23,504 --> 00:00:25,131 Yeah, I know, it's IHOP. 8 00:00:26,757 --> 00:00:28,217 Why are we meeting there? 9 00:00:28,509 --> 00:00:32,805 The Judge's powers are limited in the IHOP, so she can't just retire me on the spot. 10 00:00:33,055 --> 00:00:35,307 And I believe that when she hears what I've discovered 11 00:00:35,391 --> 00:00:37,560 about the points system, she'll take our side. 12 00:00:37,810 --> 00:00:40,729 If not, then we'll jump through a portal to another dimension 13 00:00:40,980 --> 00:00:44,066 hope our molecules don't liquefy, and regroup from there. 14 00:00:44,191 --> 00:00:45,234 Excuse me. 15 00:00:45,776 --> 00:00:46,694 OK. 16 00:00:47,570 --> 00:00:49,280 Now, watch your step. 17 00:00:49,697 --> 00:00:51,073 Hey, so... 18 00:00:51,574 --> 00:00:52,741 yeah, so... 19 00:00:53,242 --> 00:00:55,286 - I don't wanna go in there! - I get that. 20 00:00:55,411 --> 00:00:57,329 But come here, come here. Here are your options. 21 00:00:58,622 --> 00:00:59,540 Option Number one... 22 00:00:59,707 --> 00:01:00,583 CHIDI SCREAMS 23 00:01:02,084 --> 00:01:04,003 Cruel, but necessary. 24 00:01:07,214 --> 00:01:08,424 CHIDI SCREAMS 25 00:01:11,510 --> 00:01:12,511 MICHAEL: Oh, look at this. 26 00:01:12,970 --> 00:01:14,180 They added a tenth dimension. 27 00:01:15,514 --> 00:01:17,141 - THEY GASP - MICHAEL LAUGHS 28 00:01:17,266 --> 00:01:18,893 Boy, permits must've been a headache. 29 00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:22,813 Looks like we're inside a Diane Von Furstenburg pattern. 30 00:01:23,272 --> 00:01:26,108 From spring 2013! 31 00:01:26,275 --> 00:01:30,571 OK, everyone, just be cool, I know exactly what's going on. 32 00:01:31,197 --> 00:01:33,365 We all smoked too much salvia. 33 00:01:33,699 --> 00:01:36,327 We gotta ride this out for about two, three minutes... 34 00:01:36,535 --> 00:01:38,829 and then we'll be back in Pillboi's broken hot tub 35 00:01:39,163 --> 00:01:40,998 and this will all be over. 36 00:01:48,255 --> 00:01:50,424 Hey, is... is this a good time to talk? 37 00:01:50,591 --> 00:01:52,509 Well, there's no time like the present. 38 00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:54,803 And here, there's neither "no time" 39 00:01:55,012 --> 00:01:56,722 nor "the present!" SHE CHUCKLES 40 00:01:57,473 --> 00:01:58,390 Go ahead. 41 00:01:58,557 --> 00:02:02,436 So, you know how me and you used to be married, when I was dead before? 42 00:02:02,811 --> 00:02:03,854 Mm-hmm. 43 00:02:03,979 --> 00:02:07,107 I think I'm starting to catch feelings again, for you. 44 00:02:07,274 --> 00:02:09,526 - Mm-hmm. - And if I don't double-die... 45 00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:13,864 in this IHOP, and the Judge lady doesn't turn you into a marble... 46 00:02:15,699 --> 00:02:17,451 do you want to try being boyfriend-girlfriend? 47 00:02:17,910 --> 00:02:19,036 I'm not a girl. 48 00:02:19,787 --> 00:02:23,207 But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere, sometime. 49 00:02:23,666 --> 00:02:26,377 As opposed to here, which is nowhere, at all the times. 50 00:02:28,128 --> 00:02:29,505 - Do you get it? - Yeah. 51 00:02:30,256 --> 00:02:31,966 JUDGE: Hi! Butthead! 52 00:02:33,217 --> 00:02:36,470 You lie to my face, disrespect my orders 53 00:02:37,388 --> 00:02:39,390 steal the only key to Earth 54 00:02:39,848 --> 00:02:42,685 meddle with an already compromised timeline 55 00:02:43,269 --> 00:02:46,563 kidnap the humans into a Janet's void 56 00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:50,192 and now demand a meeting in the freakin' IHOP? 57 00:02:50,818 --> 00:02:51,986 I hate this place. 58 00:02:52,278 --> 00:02:54,989 I wouldn't have asked for a meet if it weren't vitally important. 59 00:02:55,072 --> 00:02:57,116 And I promise, no more rule breaking. 60 00:02:57,449 --> 00:02:58,951 Oh yeah? Really? Cool. 61 00:02:59,201 --> 00:03:03,414 Cos it kinda looks like you stole a book from Accounting! 62 00:03:04,581 --> 00:03:07,543 No more rule breaking, starting now. 63 00:03:07,793 --> 00:03:09,128 JUDGE GROANS 64 00:03:09,503 --> 00:03:10,629 Hello, Chidi! 65 00:03:10,963 --> 00:03:12,881 That is a great look for you. 66 00:03:13,132 --> 00:03:16,010 Things don't work out here with old Blondie, you know who to call. 67 00:03:16,218 --> 00:03:17,553 This bitch! 68 00:03:18,053 --> 00:03:18,971 TAHANI: Sorry... 69 00:03:19,722 --> 00:03:21,056 what is on me right now? 70 00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:22,975 - Oops! Where'd you come from, little buddy? - CREATURE BURBLES 71 00:03:23,434 --> 00:03:24,518 MICHAEL: No, don't touch it! 72 00:03:24,685 --> 00:03:26,687 Tahani. Do not touch the Neednoggle. 73 00:03:27,146 --> 00:03:30,566 - What? - Bad! This is all bad. 74 00:03:30,774 --> 00:03:32,860 Ugh! Humans are such whiners. 75 00:03:33,319 --> 00:03:35,279 Here, hot pants. Let me take care of it for you. 76 00:03:36,363 --> 00:03:37,364 TAHANI: Help! 77 00:03:38,324 --> 00:03:39,241 Ah! 78 00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:43,620 Ah! Everybody, you're all still standing in the IHOP. 79 00:03:43,954 --> 00:03:46,248 The Judge simply augmented your reality 80 00:03:46,332 --> 00:03:48,917 to make you feel like you're in a normal IHOP. 81 00:03:49,293 --> 00:03:52,129 - Very smart. - Don't suck up to me, you suck-up. 82 00:03:52,546 --> 00:03:55,341 This is far better! Instead of a slug creature 83 00:03:55,424 --> 00:03:56,759 I have a cute little scarf... 84 00:03:56,884 --> 00:03:58,093 - No! No! - No, no, no! Don't touch it! 85 00:03:58,469 --> 00:04:00,721 Tahani, that's still the Neednoggle. 86 00:04:00,888 --> 00:04:03,307 The Judge just made it look like a scarf. 87 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,768 - Wonderful. - Alright. 88 00:04:05,976 --> 00:04:09,688 Why don't we all sit down, so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned? 89 00:04:10,481 --> 00:04:13,400 Your Honour, I once stood in front of you and said I thought 90 00:04:13,484 --> 00:04:15,319 there was something wrong with the points system. 91 00:04:16,070 --> 00:04:20,366 I finally know what it is - life now is so complicated 92 00:04:20,657 --> 00:04:24,787 it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. 93 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,123 I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth 94 00:04:28,332 --> 00:04:31,877 to remain impartial, but these days, just buying a tomato 95 00:04:32,127 --> 00:04:36,131 at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting 96 00:04:36,465 --> 00:04:40,969 toxic pesticides, exploiting labour, contributing to global warming... 97 00:04:41,178 --> 00:04:43,430 Humans think that they're making one choice 98 00:04:43,597 --> 00:04:45,808 but they're actually making dozens of choices 99 00:04:45,891 --> 00:04:47,351 they don't even know they're making! 100 00:04:48,769 --> 00:04:52,022 Your big revelation is "life is complicated?" 101 00:04:52,398 --> 00:04:56,151 That's not a revelation, that's a divorced woman's throw pillow. 102 00:04:56,402 --> 00:05:00,697 I mean, this guy chose this tomato. Those are the consequences. 103 00:05:00,781 --> 00:05:02,282 You don't want the consequences? 104 00:05:02,491 --> 00:05:04,618 Do the research, buy another tomato. 105 00:05:05,452 --> 00:05:07,246 - What else you got? - Um... 106 00:05:08,288 --> 00:05:10,249 I'll tell you what else I got. 107 00:05:10,416 --> 00:05:11,959 Uh, I got this. 108 00:05:15,838 --> 00:05:16,880 ELEANOR: Michael? 109 00:05:17,256 --> 00:05:18,298 What... what are you doing? 110 00:05:18,799 --> 00:05:20,426 - Backpack Kid dance. - Why? 111 00:05:20,592 --> 00:05:23,554 I don't know, it makes people happy? Is it helping? 112 00:05:24,221 --> 00:05:25,305 CHIDI: Can I say something? 113 00:05:26,181 --> 00:05:29,309 - Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote... - Boring! 114 00:05:30,269 --> 00:05:31,687 JASON GRUNTS I got this. 115 00:05:31,770 --> 00:05:33,522 - Wh... you-- - I wanna tell you about a guy 116 00:05:33,564 --> 00:05:36,692 from my dance crew in Jacksonville called "Big Noodle." 117 00:05:36,817 --> 00:05:39,111 Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you. 118 00:05:39,278 --> 00:05:43,449 I used to yell at Big Noodle cos he always showed up late to rehearsal. 119 00:05:43,782 --> 00:05:46,577 Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. 120 00:05:46,743 --> 00:05:50,164 I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house. 121 00:05:50,414 --> 00:05:54,460 Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents 122 00:05:54,626 --> 00:05:57,087 who all lived in the same bed, just like in "Willy Wonka." 123 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,340 I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 124 00:06:00,507 --> 00:06:03,177 cos I knew how hard it was for him to be there. 125 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:07,055 And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy 126 00:06:07,389 --> 00:06:10,851 even if he wanted to - possession of a non-fried vegetable 127 00:06:11,226 --> 00:06:12,728 is a felony in Jacksonville. 128 00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:15,689 The point is, you can't judge humans 129 00:06:16,190 --> 00:06:18,150 cos you don't know what we go through. 130 00:06:19,526 --> 00:06:22,446 Amazingly, Your Honour, he's right. 131 00:06:22,571 --> 00:06:25,866 I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth. 132 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,701 Maybe you should give it a shot. 133 00:06:28,452 --> 00:06:30,954 If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it 134 00:06:31,038 --> 00:06:32,581 and you can, you know... 135 00:06:32,748 --> 00:06:34,708 zappy-zappy, marble-marble. 136 00:06:40,422 --> 00:06:43,509 Yeah, sure, I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there. 137 00:06:43,675 --> 00:06:45,552 See what you guys "go through" 138 00:06:45,844 --> 00:06:49,640 and then, one way or another, this is going to end. 139 00:06:50,182 --> 00:06:53,018 Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? 140 00:06:53,143 --> 00:06:54,269 Oh. Pfft! 141 00:06:54,394 --> 00:06:56,313 Mexico. Duh. SHE LAUGHS 142 00:06:58,273 --> 00:06:59,566 - Whoa. - TAHANI SIGHS 143 00:06:59,775 --> 00:07:01,276 Well, how long will she be gone? 144 00:07:01,610 --> 00:07:03,654 No way to tell. Uh, my guess is... 145 00:07:03,737 --> 00:07:05,489 JUDGE: Ohhh, brother! 146 00:07:06,073 --> 00:07:07,908 That was rough! 147 00:07:08,242 --> 00:07:12,162 - Right? - Sheesh! Earth is a mess, y'all. 148 00:07:12,496 --> 00:07:15,457 Woof! Also, I guess I'm "black" 149 00:07:15,707 --> 00:07:18,252 and they do not like black ladies down there. 150 00:07:18,627 --> 00:07:21,755 Crap, y'all! This is bad. 151 00:07:23,674 --> 00:07:25,175 Well, where did you go, exactly? 152 00:07:25,384 --> 00:07:29,304 Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. 153 00:07:29,429 --> 00:07:30,806 It's terrible everywhere 154 00:07:30,889 --> 00:07:32,474 and always in a different way! 155 00:07:32,808 --> 00:07:36,270 The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort. 156 00:07:36,478 --> 00:07:41,817 The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan. 157 00:07:42,526 --> 00:07:44,027 - Why? - For the deals! 158 00:07:44,236 --> 00:07:45,779 Earth stinks, y'all. 159 00:07:45,988 --> 00:07:51,451 It's hot and it's crowded... but somehow also cold and lonely? 160 00:07:51,743 --> 00:07:55,330 I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. 161 00:07:55,497 --> 00:07:59,418 The first thing I did was I googled "big juicy natural tomatoes" 162 00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:01,837 which led me to a porn site 163 00:08:02,379 --> 00:08:05,340 that was for people with a sunburn fetish, or...? 164 00:08:05,674 --> 00:08:07,134 I kind of never recovered. 165 00:08:07,301 --> 00:08:11,597 Right. That's problem number one - life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. 166 00:08:12,180 --> 00:08:15,809 Problem number two - even if you do somehow manage 167 00:08:15,934 --> 00:08:20,647 to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences. 168 00:08:20,772 --> 00:08:22,733 Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere! 169 00:08:22,983 --> 00:08:26,987 Like, there's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people! 170 00:08:27,362 --> 00:08:29,990 - And it's delicious! - It is! It is so good. 171 00:08:30,115 --> 00:08:32,868 And... and I essentially tried to do what you suggested 172 00:08:32,993 --> 00:08:34,995 I obsessed over every choice. 173 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,832 But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place! 174 00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:40,709 So I'm problem number three. 175 00:08:40,834 --> 00:08:43,045 Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart. 176 00:08:43,587 --> 00:08:44,630 JUDGE SIGHS 177 00:08:44,713 --> 00:08:46,673 You know, we gotta figure this out. 178 00:08:48,550 --> 00:08:50,594 ...and then Turtle makes a bet with Rhonda Rousey 179 00:08:50,636 --> 00:08:52,471 and if she loses, she has to bo... 180 00:08:52,638 --> 00:08:55,515 Oh, come on! I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare 181 00:08:55,599 --> 00:08:57,684 by describing the plot to the Entourage movie. 182 00:08:57,893 --> 00:08:59,561 - What is this? - Some new information 183 00:08:59,603 --> 00:09:01,980 has come to my attention and I need a solution. 184 00:09:02,064 --> 00:09:05,859 I want the Bad Place to weigh in on this, but first, let's have a change of scenery. 185 00:09:06,026 --> 00:09:07,694 - SCENERY WHOOSHES - THEY GASP 186 00:09:08,111 --> 00:09:11,281 JANET: Remember, guys, we're still in the IHOP, so be careful. 187 00:09:11,490 --> 00:09:12,532 JUDGE: Shawn. 188 00:09:12,741 --> 00:09:17,037 I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average 189 00:09:17,496 --> 00:09:19,873 better than the points system suggests they are. 190 00:09:20,207 --> 00:09:22,250 Counterpoint - humans are terrible. 191 00:09:22,584 --> 00:09:26,046 Limp Bizkit, slavery... The prosecution rests. 192 00:09:26,213 --> 00:09:28,006 Gotta say, that's a solid rebuttal. 193 00:09:28,298 --> 00:09:30,425 Look, there are plenty of awful people 194 00:09:30,759 --> 00:09:34,471 and thoughtless jerks, and I guess Nazis, again, somehow? 195 00:09:34,805 --> 00:09:38,141 But there are also people who are really trying to be good 196 00:09:38,433 --> 00:09:40,018 and they aren't getting close. 197 00:09:40,102 --> 00:09:43,397 Because they're not good at being good, because they're bad. 198 00:09:43,814 --> 00:09:48,485 The score they got on Earth is how good or bad they are, full stop, end of story. 199 00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:52,906 Then why did these four get better, over and over again, in my Neighbourhood? 200 00:09:53,073 --> 00:09:54,866 Why did they help each other in ways 201 00:09:55,033 --> 00:09:56,785 they had never helped anyone on Earth? 202 00:09:57,077 --> 00:09:58,745 I don't know, maybe it's a fluke. 203 00:09:59,079 --> 00:10:01,289 Plus, you have zero proof they did get better. 204 00:10:01,373 --> 00:10:03,083 You didn't keep track of their points. 205 00:10:04,126 --> 00:10:05,210 CHIDI: That's it! 206 00:10:05,919 --> 00:10:07,295 I know what we have to do-- HE SCREAMS 207 00:10:07,921 --> 00:10:09,965 JANET: Oh! He forgot we're still in the IHOP. 208 00:10:10,048 --> 00:10:11,550 MICHAEL: Anybody got eyes on Chidi? 209 00:10:11,883 --> 00:10:13,009 CHIDI IN SQUEAKY VOICE: Help. 210 00:10:13,885 --> 00:10:15,220 Help! 211 00:10:15,846 --> 00:10:18,098 Can someone grab my tiny boyfriend, please? 212 00:10:18,181 --> 00:10:19,349 - I'm on it. - TINY CHIDI SCREAMS 213 00:10:19,433 --> 00:10:21,351 - And... got him! Ah. - TINY CHIDI WAILS 214 00:10:21,685 --> 00:10:22,602 - Here you go. - Urgh! 215 00:10:22,728 --> 00:10:23,645 Ah-ha! 216 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,814 HE PANTS AND SIGHS 217 00:10:26,231 --> 00:10:29,776 I... I just saw a trillion different realities 218 00:10:30,026 --> 00:10:35,073 folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade... 219 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,284 Yeah, yeah, the Time Knife, we've all seen it. 220 00:10:37,534 --> 00:10:38,952 Let's get back on track, bud. 221 00:10:39,119 --> 00:10:43,206 Yeah, OK. Sure. What I was saying, um, before, you know... 222 00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:45,292 I saw the "Time Knife"! 223 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,880 ...is this, Michael is right. 224 00:10:50,630 --> 00:10:54,009 His Neighbourhood gave us the chance to become better people 225 00:10:54,092 --> 00:10:57,763 because it removed all the variables that make life on Earth hard. 226 00:10:58,138 --> 00:11:02,267 Yeah. Uh, there was no rent to pay, no racism, no sexism... 227 00:11:02,434 --> 00:11:06,062 No awards-show gift-suite publicist in-fighting. 228 00:11:07,439 --> 00:11:10,025 What? Those gift-suites can be a real minefield. 229 00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:12,736 But, Shawn is also right. 230 00:11:13,111 --> 00:11:15,614 And the four of us becoming better people could be a fluke. 231 00:11:15,697 --> 00:11:18,158 So, let's repeat the experiment. 232 00:11:18,867 --> 00:11:21,495 It's what Simone taught us about data collection. 233 00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:23,955 Try it again, and see if you get the same results. 234 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:28,251 Of course! I build a new Neighbourhood, we choose four new people 235 00:11:28,335 --> 00:11:31,213 tell them they're in the Good Place, create challenges for them 236 00:11:31,546 --> 00:11:32,923 track their progress. 237 00:11:33,048 --> 00:11:35,884 My guess is they will do what the original four did 238 00:11:36,134 --> 00:11:40,096 seek help, support each other, make wise decisions, improve. 239 00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:46,102 If they do, then it's proof that humans are not "bad, full stop, end of story." 240 00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:49,022 SHAWN: This is so stupid. 241 00:11:49,147 --> 00:11:50,982 Where would you even put this Neighbourhood? 242 00:11:51,107 --> 00:11:53,235 I wouldn't allow it to be built in the Good Place, that's for sure 243 00:11:53,401 --> 00:11:55,737 and I doubt you'd want to come back to my neck of the woods... 244 00:11:56,154 --> 00:11:59,157 Ooh! I have an idea. 245 00:12:02,327 --> 00:12:04,746 Hi, Mindy. We need to use your backyard. 246 00:12:07,082 --> 00:12:09,543 You need my backyard? For what? 247 00:12:09,709 --> 00:12:11,545 We're conducting an important experi-- 248 00:12:11,586 --> 00:12:12,754 You know what? I don't care. 249 00:12:12,879 --> 00:12:15,048 In fact, as soon as I started asking the question 250 00:12:15,131 --> 00:12:17,008 I thought to myself, "Why are you asking this? 251 00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:18,468 You don't care about the answer." 252 00:12:18,635 --> 00:12:20,679 Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it. 253 00:12:20,971 --> 00:12:23,557 And if you want to talk to someone, talk to Derek. 254 00:12:24,224 --> 00:12:26,017 I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. 255 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:29,688 Who's Derek? 256 00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:32,983 Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend. 257 00:12:33,483 --> 00:12:36,361 I made him, so he's more like my son. 258 00:12:36,903 --> 00:12:39,281 Although, I did make him because I was jealous of you and Tahani 259 00:12:39,364 --> 00:12:41,658 so he's kind of my rebound booty-call. 260 00:12:41,867 --> 00:12:44,703 So... he's your son-rebound-booty-call? 261 00:12:45,036 --> 00:12:48,456 Fine, if you want to put labels on it, I guess he's my son-rebound-booty-call. 262 00:12:49,249 --> 00:12:51,126 But he doesn't mean anything to me. 263 00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:53,712 Also, Derek never really... 264 00:12:54,504 --> 00:12:56,464 worked right. He's a buffoon. 265 00:12:56,590 --> 00:12:58,091 You have nothing to worry about. 266 00:12:59,175 --> 00:13:00,552 DEREK: "How should he love thee? 267 00:13:00,594 --> 00:13:01,970 Or how deem thee wise? 268 00:13:02,262 --> 00:13:04,014 Who wouldst not leave him 269 00:13:04,264 --> 00:13:05,557 In his wandering?" 270 00:13:07,183 --> 00:13:09,144 Oh. I didn't see you there. 271 00:13:09,352 --> 00:13:11,563 I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe. 272 00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:13,440 Hi, I'm Derek. 273 00:13:14,107 --> 00:13:15,609 Welcome to the Medium Place. 274 00:13:16,151 --> 00:13:17,777 BLOWS BUBBLES IN THE GLASS 275 00:13:17,861 --> 00:13:20,405 Derek! Why are... you so different? 276 00:13:20,655 --> 00:13:22,157 You have Mindy to thank for that. 277 00:13:22,616 --> 00:13:25,785 See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house 278 00:13:25,869 --> 00:13:28,163 and every time she hits it, I pass out. 279 00:13:28,496 --> 00:13:31,833 When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better. 280 00:13:31,917 --> 00:13:32,959 HE CHUCKLES Not to brag 281 00:13:33,084 --> 00:13:35,128 but I almost have a full-grown penis now. 282 00:13:35,295 --> 00:13:37,839 It's resplendent, and mostly functional. 283 00:13:37,964 --> 00:13:41,092 - How many times has Mindy rebooted you? - I don't know. Half a million? 284 00:13:41,551 --> 00:13:43,219 - What? - She reboots me a lot. 285 00:13:43,386 --> 00:13:46,556 Sometimes when she's bored, or just needs some "alone time" 286 00:13:46,890 --> 00:13:48,141 sometimes just for laughs. 287 00:13:48,183 --> 00:13:50,226 DEREK LAUGHS 288 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,104 Derek... Shall we head inside? 289 00:13:53,396 --> 00:13:54,648 - OK. - Cool. 290 00:13:55,899 --> 00:13:57,233 JUDGE: So, here are the rules. 291 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,861 Michael designs the new Neighbourhood however he wants. 292 00:14:00,403 --> 00:14:02,781 The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans 293 00:14:03,239 --> 00:14:07,577 but they have to be the same general level of badness as the original four. 294 00:14:07,786 --> 00:14:11,498 Alright? No serial killers, no dictators, no one who managed a boy band. 295 00:14:12,123 --> 00:14:15,085 Michael will not get the files in advance 296 00:14:15,210 --> 00:14:17,045 so he does not have forever to plan 297 00:14:17,128 --> 00:14:21,716 but he can then change the Neighbourhood however he wants. 298 00:14:22,008 --> 00:14:23,635 Yeah, I have about a billion objections to this. 299 00:14:23,927 --> 00:14:26,429 - So do I. - Good! That means it's a fair compromise. 300 00:14:26,805 --> 00:14:28,807 So, one last issue. 301 00:14:29,015 --> 00:14:31,351 Where do we get all the other residents for this place? 302 00:14:31,518 --> 00:14:36,064 Well, my original Neighbourhood was built for torture so everyone was a demon 303 00:14:36,356 --> 00:14:39,109 we can't have that. I say we get them from the Good Place. 304 00:14:39,317 --> 00:14:41,444 Over my dead skin-suit. 305 00:14:41,611 --> 00:14:43,279 Well, what other option do we have? 306 00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:46,491 Would anybody like a Medium snack? 307 00:14:46,783 --> 00:14:50,036 I myself will be enjoying another classy martini. 308 00:14:50,328 --> 00:14:51,496 Don't mind if I do. 309 00:14:51,788 --> 00:14:53,790 JANET GASPS I can make the people. 310 00:14:54,332 --> 00:14:56,251 - Just like I made Derek. - Are you sure? 311 00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:59,629 Yes. If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, I can do it. 312 00:14:59,671 --> 00:15:02,382 They'll be way more advanced than the original Derek. No offense. 313 00:15:02,465 --> 00:15:03,466 None taken. 314 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:07,429 OK. The other residents will be comprised of "Janet babies." 315 00:15:08,013 --> 00:15:11,766 You will have one year of Earth time to try to improve the humans. 316 00:15:11,975 --> 00:15:14,769 I will be monitoring everything to ensure there's no cheating 317 00:15:14,853 --> 00:15:17,230 and to track the humans' progress. Deal? 318 00:15:20,108 --> 00:15:21,776 - HAND BUZZES - Ah! Gah! Ow! 319 00:15:21,860 --> 00:15:24,612 SHAWN CACKLES Classic. 320 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,656 Ha-ha! Ow! 321 00:15:31,953 --> 00:15:33,455 - Janet? - JANET CHIMES: Hi there! 322 00:15:33,705 --> 00:15:34,998 - Ah. - Ready to start building? 323 00:15:35,206 --> 00:15:36,499 - Yes. - I have some ideas 324 00:15:36,583 --> 00:15:38,877 for how to design a sort of "basic" Neighbourhood 325 00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:41,880 which we can then tailor to the guests as we learn more about them. 326 00:15:42,047 --> 00:15:45,425 - Now, when you say, um... "some" ideas? - I have 11 trillion ideas. 327 00:15:45,508 --> 00:15:47,761 Yes. I'm so glad you're here, Janet. 328 00:15:47,886 --> 00:15:48,928 Me too. 329 00:15:50,096 --> 00:15:51,473 Alright. So... HE CLEARS THROAT 330 00:15:51,723 --> 00:15:54,059 What's your first "basic" idea? 331 00:15:54,684 --> 00:15:55,810 JANET CHIMES 332 00:15:57,937 --> 00:16:00,482 - Perfect. So "basic." - THEY CHUCKLE 333 00:16:07,864 --> 00:16:10,450 CHIDI: This house was built to torture you. 334 00:16:10,784 --> 00:16:13,453 Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly? 335 00:16:13,745 --> 00:16:17,207 Well, in the memories I watched, this was where we fell in love. 336 00:16:17,290 --> 00:16:19,959 So I figured, why mess with success? 337 00:16:21,211 --> 00:16:22,670 I mean, bleugh! What am I saying? 338 00:16:22,754 --> 00:16:25,173 This house is stupid and you're lame, and I hate you. 339 00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:26,382 I love you too. 340 00:16:28,176 --> 00:16:29,385 This is gonna be fun. 341 00:16:30,095 --> 00:16:32,472 I mean, I know we have to help these new people 342 00:16:32,555 --> 00:16:36,392 but most of the time we'll just get to live together, like a normal couple. 343 00:16:37,102 --> 00:16:39,813 We can chill out, and just relax, and... 344 00:16:40,230 --> 00:16:42,190 - Have sex... - ...study philosophy. 345 00:16:42,899 --> 00:16:44,692 - Horndog! - Nerd! 346 00:16:45,318 --> 00:16:47,695 JANET STRAINS 347 00:16:48,321 --> 00:16:50,031 JANET GROANS 348 00:16:50,156 --> 00:16:51,282 JANET CHIMES 349 00:16:52,075 --> 00:16:54,661 - Hi! I'm Daphne. - Hi, Daphne. I'm Janet. 350 00:16:55,203 --> 00:16:56,371 - I made you. - Great. 351 00:16:56,538 --> 00:16:57,705 I'll wait for your instructions. 352 00:16:58,081 --> 00:16:59,457 Thank you for making me! Bye! 353 00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:01,417 OK, Daphne's done. 354 00:17:01,626 --> 00:17:03,837 Only another 185 people to go. 355 00:17:04,295 --> 00:17:05,547 I'll check back in an hour. 356 00:17:06,881 --> 00:17:08,550 You're doing so good, Janet. 357 00:17:08,675 --> 00:17:11,136 Thanks, Jason. Making people is exhausting. 358 00:17:11,594 --> 00:17:13,221 DEREK CHIMES Can't help but notice 359 00:17:13,304 --> 00:17:15,140 you're making a bunch of people. 360 00:17:15,849 --> 00:17:17,392 You know, if we pooled our resources 361 00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:19,894 we could be done in two shakes of a lamb's Derek. 362 00:17:20,186 --> 00:17:22,313 Whatever. Janet doesn't need your help, dude! 363 00:17:22,438 --> 00:17:25,525 Actually, it would go a lot faster. Thanks, Derek. 364 00:17:25,817 --> 00:17:27,318 No problem. DEREK CHIMES 365 00:17:27,443 --> 00:17:29,696 Don't worry, this is purely professional, OK? 366 00:17:29,821 --> 00:17:34,742 Now be a pal and hold my classy martini, while I get down to business. 367 00:17:35,201 --> 00:17:36,369 Let's make people. 368 00:17:38,288 --> 00:17:39,956 PHONE RINGS 369 00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,002 - Hello, Your Honour... - SHAWN LAUGHS 370 00:17:44,085 --> 00:17:46,462 You fell for it! It's me, Shawn. 371 00:17:46,963 --> 00:17:48,590 Just wanted to wish you bad luck. 372 00:17:48,923 --> 00:17:51,426 Trying to psyche me out? You must be scared. 373 00:17:51,551 --> 00:17:52,802 Oh, I'm very confident. 374 00:17:52,969 --> 00:17:55,805 I think we've picked some excellent subjects for your stupid experiment. 375 00:17:55,972 --> 00:17:57,348 When you fail, and you will... 376 00:17:57,891 --> 00:18:00,685 I've got something special cooked up for your four little friends. 377 00:18:00,768 --> 00:18:05,523 Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured with penis flatteners, and bees with teeth... 378 00:18:05,607 --> 00:18:07,066 you are so predictable. 379 00:18:07,192 --> 00:18:09,611 Why don't you at least switch it up once in a while? 380 00:18:09,736 --> 00:18:12,280 Try using teeth flatteners 381 00:18:12,488 --> 00:18:14,157 and bees with penises? 382 00:18:14,490 --> 00:18:16,409 First of all, that's... stupid. 383 00:18:16,993 --> 00:18:18,536 But also, we are switching it up. 384 00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:21,497 When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity. 385 00:18:21,706 --> 00:18:23,791 But guess who's going to be doing the torturing? 386 00:18:24,459 --> 00:18:25,585 Hello, idiot! 387 00:18:25,877 --> 00:18:27,128 DEMON CHUCKLES 388 00:18:27,337 --> 00:18:28,671 SHAWN: We built a Michael suit! 389 00:18:28,796 --> 00:18:30,673 The boys down in R&D said it couldn't be done 390 00:18:30,882 --> 00:18:32,133 so I made it out of them. 391 00:18:32,508 --> 00:18:35,053 That's Vicky in there right now, taking you for a spin. 392 00:18:35,220 --> 00:18:38,681 You are disgusting. Dis-gus-ting-uh! 393 00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:42,393 Oh, Michael. It's going to be so amazing, watching your four BFFs 394 00:18:42,477 --> 00:18:46,981 look so sad and betrayed and confused, as you, their reformed demon daddy 395 00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:48,608 unleash a swarm of... 396 00:18:49,484 --> 00:18:51,694 penis-bees. I invented those. 397 00:18:52,070 --> 00:18:52,946 That was me. 398 00:18:53,363 --> 00:18:55,657 Well, I will just tell them what you're going to do 399 00:18:55,740 --> 00:18:57,492 and they'll know that it isn't really me. 400 00:18:57,659 --> 00:18:59,827 And we'll erase their memories of you telling them. 401 00:18:59,994 --> 00:19:02,914 Thanks for inventing that little trick, by the way - very useful. 402 00:19:03,081 --> 00:19:04,082 Have fun, Michael. 403 00:19:04,165 --> 00:19:07,794 Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you. 404 00:19:08,378 --> 00:19:10,088 BOTH: Mmm-bye, bitch! 405 00:19:18,513 --> 00:19:21,349 So... how bad is contestant number one? 406 00:19:21,808 --> 00:19:23,851 Murderer? War criminal? 407 00:19:23,977 --> 00:19:24,978 Instagram DJ? 408 00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,230 Uh, yeah, um... 409 00:19:27,313 --> 00:19:30,191 - Are you OK? - Mm-hmm. Yep, just a little jittery. 410 00:19:30,566 --> 00:19:35,029 Last time I designed a Neighbourhood, things didn't really go according to plan. 411 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,614 Neh. Plans are for wimps. 412 00:19:36,781 --> 00:19:38,825 - Mm. - We should've done this Shellstrop-style 413 00:19:38,950 --> 00:19:41,411 don't prepare at all, get drunk the morning of the test 414 00:19:41,703 --> 00:19:44,956 BS our way through it, and then brag about how we didn't even study 415 00:19:45,039 --> 00:19:47,917 - and still got a C plus! - MICHAEL CHUCKLES 416 00:19:48,001 --> 00:19:50,795 So what do we got, man? I gotta go give everyone a heads-up, remember? 417 00:19:50,837 --> 00:19:53,673 Uh, his name is John. Um, some sort of journalist. 418 00:19:53,756 --> 00:19:56,175 No major crimes or atrocities... 419 00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:58,303 - Is he out there right now? - Mm-hmm. 420 00:20:05,018 --> 00:20:06,561 Wow. That's freaky. SHE CHUCKLES 421 00:20:06,644 --> 00:20:11,190 So, based on initial skimming of his file, we will run scenario... 422 00:20:11,316 --> 00:20:13,484 G48-119... 423 00:20:13,568 --> 00:20:14,986 - Geez Louise. - Well... 424 00:20:15,361 --> 00:20:16,821 you have to be prepared for anything. 425 00:20:16,904 --> 00:20:18,865 I mean, is John coming in thinking that he belongs 426 00:20:18,906 --> 00:20:20,825 or does he know he definitely doesn't? 427 00:20:20,950 --> 00:20:22,493 Dude, dude... Relax. 428 00:20:22,702 --> 00:20:25,788 All we have to do today is tell John he's in the Good Place 429 00:20:26,247 --> 00:20:28,916 show him around the Neighbourhood, and get him to Tahani's welcome party. 430 00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:31,586 That's it. We can deal with the rest later, right? 431 00:20:32,003 --> 00:20:33,671 - Right. Right, right, right... - Hey. 432 00:20:33,755 --> 00:20:37,216 Listen. Whatever your plan is, it's gonna be great. 433 00:20:37,675 --> 00:20:38,760 We trust you. 434 00:20:39,010 --> 00:20:41,846 Your friends will always trust you. 435 00:20:42,930 --> 00:20:44,140 CLOCK CHIMES 436 00:20:46,517 --> 00:20:47,977 OK. Here I go. 437 00:20:48,061 --> 00:20:49,354 OK. I'm gonna... 438 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,482 Yup. Here I go. 439 00:20:54,525 --> 00:20:57,904 I go here and... 440 00:20:59,030 --> 00:21:00,281 I'm gone. 441 00:21:00,448 --> 00:21:02,700 - Michael? - Oh, yeah, I'm gone... 442 00:21:02,784 --> 00:21:05,078 - Oh, whoa. - I can't do this! 443 00:21:05,244 --> 00:21:06,371 JOHN: Hello? 444 00:21:07,038 --> 00:21:08,414 - Is anyone here? - Michael, buddy! 445 00:21:08,539 --> 00:21:10,666 John is awake. We need to open the door... 446 00:21:10,792 --> 00:21:12,794 - Mm-hmm... - And welcome him into the afterlife? 447 00:21:13,002 --> 00:21:14,253 Remember? The whole plan? 448 00:21:14,837 --> 00:21:15,963 I do remember. 449 00:21:16,422 --> 00:21:18,883 That's why I can't do it. It's too... too scary. 450 00:21:19,217 --> 00:21:21,135 HE CRIES Oh... 451 00:21:21,677 --> 00:21:22,637 No! 452 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,347 - KNOCK ON DOOR - JOHN: Hello?