1 00:00:04,527 --> 00:00:06,612 Holy forking shirtballs... 2 00:00:07,363 --> 00:00:08,906 we're in the Good Place. 3 00:00:09,281 --> 00:00:11,826 Are we sure we're in the actual Good Place? 4 00:00:11,951 --> 00:00:13,786 It's rather... carpeted. 5 00:00:13,953 --> 00:00:17,373 Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys 6 00:00:17,414 --> 00:00:19,416 wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts. 7 00:00:19,542 --> 00:00:20,459 - What? - Don't. 8 00:00:20,584 --> 00:00:22,711 No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. 9 00:00:22,795 --> 00:00:24,213 Just take a deep breath. 10 00:00:25,131 --> 00:00:26,090 Whoa. 11 00:00:26,423 --> 00:00:30,052 That smells like Typhoon Falls, my favourite water park when I was a kid! 12 00:00:30,261 --> 00:00:33,764 Mmm. Chlorine, sun tan lotion, Band-Aids 13 00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:36,475 and a thick cloud of teen hormones. 14 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,145 When I was researching my fake Neighbourhood, I learned about this. 15 00:00:39,353 --> 00:00:42,148 The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest. 16 00:00:42,231 --> 00:00:43,983 Warm pretzels. 17 00:00:44,066 --> 00:00:45,609 Or, no, wait... 18 00:00:46,402 --> 00:00:49,155 it's the smell of absolute moral truth? 19 00:00:49,321 --> 00:00:50,489 Those two things have very similar smells. 20 00:00:50,698 --> 00:00:54,535 I smell... Blake Bortles holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy 21 00:00:54,743 --> 00:00:57,621 as Dan Patrick says, "This has to feel good, Blake" 22 00:00:57,705 --> 00:00:59,456 and he says "It sure does, Dan. 23 00:00:59,582 --> 00:01:03,085 And I owe it all to my best friend, Jason Mendoza." 24 00:01:03,252 --> 00:01:04,253 Also weed. 25 00:01:04,336 --> 00:01:09,550 Mmm, to me it smells like a curtain closing between first class and economy. 26 00:01:09,758 --> 00:01:11,927 Oh! This truly is the Good Place! 27 00:01:11,969 --> 00:01:15,431 I don't think we're in the main Good Place area. 28 00:01:15,514 --> 00:01:18,934 This seems like this is some kind of a... mail depot. 29 00:01:19,101 --> 00:01:22,313 So we're talkin' about mailmen now? From heaven? 30 00:01:22,771 --> 00:01:25,482 Literally had that calendar, and I did not get past March. 31 00:01:25,566 --> 00:01:26,525 - What? - Don't. 32 00:01:26,609 --> 00:01:29,695 OK, there are two key things that we have to do. 33 00:01:29,778 --> 00:01:32,781 - Make sure that no one can follow us. Janet? - On it. 34 00:01:35,826 --> 00:01:37,369 What's the second thing we have to do? 35 00:01:38,037 --> 00:01:39,496 Keep a low profile. 36 00:01:47,171 --> 00:01:50,257 OK, if there's anyone in the building, here's our cover story. 37 00:01:50,299 --> 00:01:53,260 I'm an accountant. Um, you are a Neutral Janet. 38 00:01:54,094 --> 00:01:55,554 And you four... 39 00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:57,139 won a contest. 40 00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:58,557 - Really? - Really? 41 00:01:58,599 --> 00:02:01,018 OK, not that. I-I'll come up with something better. 42 00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:02,645 Well, why do we need a cover story at all? 43 00:02:02,728 --> 00:02:06,106 These are the good guys. Let's just come clean and request asylum. 44 00:02:06,190 --> 00:02:07,441 Yeah, man, we're refugees. 45 00:02:07,524 --> 00:02:10,110 What kind of messed-up place would turn away refugees? 46 00:02:10,402 --> 00:02:12,488 The main thing I've learned about the Good Place 47 00:02:12,571 --> 00:02:14,740 is that they never break the rules 48 00:02:14,865 --> 00:02:18,744 no way to guarantee they wouldn't send you right down to the Bad Place. 49 00:02:18,786 --> 00:02:20,579 What the heck is going on in there? 50 00:02:21,705 --> 00:02:24,375 Oh! Hi, there! Um, I'm an accountant. 51 00:02:24,708 --> 00:02:26,460 We're coming from Accounting, um... 52 00:02:26,585 --> 00:02:29,004 and as we were, uh, climbing through the... 53 00:02:29,088 --> 00:02:31,215 the mailbox, it... it blew up! 54 00:02:31,340 --> 00:02:33,509 Uh... The explosion was caused by demons. 55 00:02:33,676 --> 00:02:35,261 We were being chased by demons. 56 00:02:35,302 --> 00:02:38,055 And a Dracula! There was a Dracula chasing us. 57 00:02:39,390 --> 00:02:40,724 Was there, though, Jason? 58 00:02:40,849 --> 00:02:41,767 Yeah. 59 00:02:41,850 --> 00:02:44,687 Maybe Drac blew up the mailbox! With his bazooka. 60 00:02:48,148 --> 00:02:50,276 Well, geez Louise, I'm sure glad you're OK! 61 00:02:50,776 --> 00:02:53,779 My name's Gwendolyn. Welcome to the Good Place! 62 00:02:53,821 --> 00:02:57,032 I'm Michael, and, uh, this is my Neutral Janet. 63 00:02:57,324 --> 00:02:59,201 Hello. Also, not hello. 64 00:02:59,243 --> 00:03:02,246 It's nothing to meet you. End of statement. 65 00:03:02,496 --> 00:03:05,165 OK. And these four here are humans. 66 00:03:05,582 --> 00:03:06,542 If you can believe it! 67 00:03:06,583 --> 00:03:07,751 "If" I can believe it! 68 00:03:07,835 --> 00:03:09,837 Watch this - I believe it! 69 00:03:11,046 --> 00:03:12,214 Why are they here? 70 00:03:13,382 --> 00:03:15,259 Because they won a contest. 71 00:03:19,179 --> 00:03:20,764 Congratulations, guys! 72 00:03:21,265 --> 00:03:22,391 Come on in! 73 00:03:22,474 --> 00:03:25,102 This is the correspondence centre. 74 00:03:25,144 --> 00:03:29,064 Make yourselves at home. There's a sofa, that's a bowl of fruit... 75 00:03:29,148 --> 00:03:32,568 that's the door to the Good Place... ooh, there's a fun paperweight 76 00:03:32,609 --> 00:03:34,194 shaped like a little hat! 77 00:03:34,236 --> 00:03:38,866 I'm sorry, uh... this right here is... is the door to, um, the Good Place? 78 00:03:38,907 --> 00:03:43,287 Well, it's a door to the Good Place, but it won't open for you guys, though. 79 00:03:43,454 --> 00:03:46,665 The only door for humans is the Official Entrance 80 00:03:46,707 --> 00:03:49,209 which is 500 trillion miles north-south-north of here. 81 00:03:49,293 --> 00:03:51,253 So you're kinda just stuck inside. 82 00:03:52,046 --> 00:03:52,963 Wow. 83 00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:57,217 It's really weird that you guys won a contest to be in this building... 84 00:03:57,259 --> 00:04:01,805 Um, you know, take that up with the folks at Weird Contest Magazine. 85 00:04:01,847 --> 00:04:04,475 Hey, why don't we help you clean up the mess in the mailroom? 86 00:04:04,516 --> 00:04:07,144 Wow, thanks! Did I win a contest? 87 00:04:10,230 --> 00:04:11,565 Chidi and I will be right there! 88 00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:16,487 - Chidi, help me! - She said it's not gonna open. 89 00:04:16,737 --> 00:04:17,654 Fine. 90 00:04:22,117 --> 00:04:23,077 Eleanor! 91 00:04:23,118 --> 00:04:25,704 What? This is how I always got out of escape rooms. 92 00:04:25,788 --> 00:04:28,290 If you break enough stuff, they open the door and kick you out! 93 00:04:28,457 --> 00:04:29,875 Is everything OK in there? 94 00:04:31,251 --> 00:04:32,127 Yep! 95 00:04:32,211 --> 00:04:34,380 OK! No follow-up questions! 96 00:04:34,463 --> 00:04:35,839 Hey there, Smashy. 97 00:04:36,006 --> 00:04:38,133 Before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps 98 00:04:38,217 --> 00:04:41,470 - you have anything you need to talk about? - I can't take this anymore, man. 99 00:04:41,553 --> 00:04:43,680 All the running, and hiding, and fighting 100 00:04:43,764 --> 00:04:46,809 and this whole insane journey, and now all that stands between us 101 00:04:46,850 --> 00:04:48,936 and the actual Good Place is one door! 102 00:04:49,061 --> 00:04:50,687 What is that, two inches thick? 103 00:04:50,729 --> 00:04:55,067 That's like four Oreos! We're four Oreos from heaven! 104 00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:56,902 I know, I know, I know. 105 00:04:57,236 --> 00:05:01,698 It's an insane situation, but I am right here with you. 106 00:05:02,241 --> 00:05:04,076 So, let's take a deep breath. 107 00:05:06,161 --> 00:05:07,121 - Mm... - Hm. 108 00:05:07,204 --> 00:05:08,080 OK. 109 00:05:08,122 --> 00:05:11,166 The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping. 110 00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:12,668 How? 111 00:05:13,502 --> 00:05:15,212 - Mm... - Why? 112 00:05:16,088 --> 00:05:17,589 - Say, Gwendolyn. - Hm? 113 00:05:17,673 --> 00:05:20,843 I need to speak with the Committee, regarding an urgent matter. 114 00:05:20,926 --> 00:05:23,554 Oh, sorry, you'd have to contact them directly 115 00:05:23,637 --> 00:05:25,472 and that's definitely against the rules. 116 00:05:25,514 --> 00:05:26,515 I see. 117 00:05:26,932 --> 00:05:30,269 How would I contact them, though, if it weren't against the rules? 118 00:05:30,310 --> 00:05:31,937 Well, by calling them on that phone! 119 00:05:32,438 --> 00:05:33,981 - But I can't let ya use it. - Right. 120 00:05:34,022 --> 00:05:36,984 And even if it weren't against the rules, I don't know the number 121 00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,277 and you wouldn't tell me. 122 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:39,736 I couldn't! 123 00:05:39,820 --> 00:05:41,155 There are no numbers. 124 00:05:41,238 --> 00:05:43,866 You pick it up and it connects you to whomever you want! 125 00:05:43,949 --> 00:05:46,076 But, you can't use it. 126 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,286 Of course not! 127 00:05:47,453 --> 00:05:49,371 - Just as a hypothetical... - Mm-hm? 128 00:05:49,496 --> 00:05:53,333 Is there any way that you would know if I did use the phone? 129 00:05:53,459 --> 00:05:55,085 Any kind of alarm? 130 00:05:55,252 --> 00:05:56,336 Golly, no! 131 00:05:56,378 --> 00:05:58,464 So it's entirely untraceable? 132 00:05:58,505 --> 00:05:59,381 Sure is! 133 00:05:59,465 --> 00:06:01,175 What a fun thought experiment! 134 00:06:01,467 --> 00:06:03,093 - You said it, Gwendolyn. - Uh-huh. 135 00:06:03,177 --> 00:06:07,097 Oh, sorry, is that a dog barking in another room? 136 00:06:07,139 --> 00:06:09,349 I doubt it, because I don't have a dog. 137 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:13,604 But out of politeness and an abundance of caution, I'll go check! 138 00:06:13,770 --> 00:06:16,523 Hello? Doggie? 139 00:06:17,274 --> 00:06:19,568 My name is Michael. I'm an Accountant. 140 00:06:19,610 --> 00:06:21,987 I need to speak with the Committee, immediately 141 00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:24,740 on the top floor of the Correspondence Centre. 142 00:06:25,115 --> 00:06:26,074 Thank you. 143 00:06:31,497 --> 00:06:33,373 Jason, you seem thoughtful 144 00:06:33,707 --> 00:06:35,417 and that concerns me. 145 00:06:35,459 --> 00:06:38,253 Do you remember that one time, when we were in Janet's void 146 00:06:38,295 --> 00:06:39,922 and we all looked like Janet? 147 00:06:40,631 --> 00:06:42,216 I do, yes. 148 00:06:42,341 --> 00:06:44,676 You know how I saw that thing about how Janet loves me? 149 00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:49,139 I don't know how I feel about her, and also I feel bad that I sort of, like 150 00:06:49,264 --> 00:06:51,433 read her diary, and she doesn't know. 151 00:06:51,558 --> 00:06:54,853 - What should I do? - Well, perhaps you should tell Janet 152 00:06:54,937 --> 00:06:58,565 what you saw, and start a dialogue about your feelings. 153 00:06:58,649 --> 00:07:02,986 Who knows if a relationship will take hold, but you must begin from a place of honesty. 154 00:07:03,070 --> 00:07:04,363 Thanks, Tahani. 155 00:07:04,780 --> 00:07:07,574 It's nice to know I can talk about girls with my wife. 156 00:07:09,117 --> 00:07:09,993 Hey, Janet! 157 00:07:10,452 --> 00:07:13,914 Uh, so, do you remember how you killed us and brought us into your void? 158 00:07:13,997 --> 00:07:14,998 I do, yes. 159 00:07:15,165 --> 00:07:20,212 When we were in there, I was wandering around because you have the ability to make anything 160 00:07:20,295 --> 00:07:22,381 and I wanted to see where you keep the rollerblades 161 00:07:22,548 --> 00:07:26,510 and I accidentally saw that video thing about how you love me. 162 00:07:26,635 --> 00:07:29,304 You saw that? That's so embarrassing. 163 00:07:29,346 --> 00:07:32,975 I mean, it kinda freaked me out at first. But, hey, let's talk about it. 164 00:07:33,016 --> 00:07:34,184 I don't want to talk about this. 165 00:07:34,685 --> 00:07:38,522 You guys were in my void and it was exhausting and I almost blew up 166 00:07:38,564 --> 00:07:42,067 and I have to be neutral, and Neutral Janets don't have feelings... 167 00:07:42,150 --> 00:07:43,277 How's it going in here? 168 00:07:43,402 --> 00:07:46,196 It is going neutrally. End of conversation. 169 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,323 - Can we-- - End of conversation. 170 00:07:49,908 --> 00:07:51,410 You got one shot, buddy. 171 00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:56,665 Be clear, be confident, and don't let them intimidate you. 172 00:07:58,166 --> 00:07:59,918 Oh, wow! 173 00:08:00,002 --> 00:08:03,547 - Wow, this place is very cool! - Have you guys ever been here before? 174 00:08:03,672 --> 00:08:05,465 - I have never been here before! - No, no, no. 175 00:08:05,549 --> 00:08:08,260 I love it! So charming! 176 00:08:08,385 --> 00:08:12,097 Hello, everyone, I'm Michael. Thank you for coming. 177 00:08:12,180 --> 00:08:14,641 No, thank you for asking us to come! 178 00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:19,646 It is one of the great honours of my eternal life to be invited here 179 00:08:19,688 --> 00:08:22,190 by you, today, for this momentous occasion. 180 00:08:22,316 --> 00:08:23,233 Now... 181 00:08:23,650 --> 00:08:25,652 Who are you, and why are we here? 182 00:08:25,777 --> 00:08:31,450 Well, in a nutshell, I believe that the Bad Place has somehow infiltrated 183 00:08:31,533 --> 00:08:35,203 the Accounting Department, and is tampering with the points system. 184 00:08:35,454 --> 00:08:38,165 My goodness. That would be a disaster. 185 00:08:38,415 --> 00:08:41,001 Everyone, focus up. Meg, you take notes. 186 00:08:41,209 --> 00:08:43,879 Daisuke? Open a secure channel to headquarters. 187 00:08:43,962 --> 00:08:47,174 Kellen? Head to the farmer's market and grab us fresh peaches. 188 00:08:47,341 --> 00:08:48,800 I think pluots are in season. 189 00:08:48,842 --> 00:08:50,177 Well, then get pluots, Kellen. 190 00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:52,929 Get as many pluots as can fit in your tote bag. 191 00:08:53,013 --> 00:08:54,598 We are gonna be here a while. 192 00:08:56,099 --> 00:08:58,769 Brought you some water. Well, I mean there's not a kitchen 193 00:08:58,852 --> 00:09:02,648 but I found this kind of glowing bowl, with liquid in it? 194 00:09:02,773 --> 00:09:04,274 Maybe it was a toilet. I'm gonna throw this out. 195 00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:05,651 What are you doing? 196 00:09:05,734 --> 00:09:09,696 Trying to jimmy the lock, but everything I stick in here just turns to glitter. 197 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,783 - Ugh! - Alright, forget about the door, look at me. 198 00:09:12,908 --> 00:09:14,701 Right now, we're together 199 00:09:14,785 --> 00:09:18,163 in heaven, basically, and we're in love. 200 00:09:18,538 --> 00:09:21,792 Compared to some of the other stuff that's happened to us, it could be worse. 201 00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:26,171 I guess "try and enjoy this" is a better plan than "have the anxiety sweats". 202 00:09:26,463 --> 00:09:28,715 Oh, check it out, straight through my sweatshirt. 203 00:09:28,757 --> 00:09:32,052 Cool. Hey! I have an idea to take your mind off the door. 204 00:09:32,177 --> 00:09:33,637 - Let's go on a date. - What? 205 00:09:33,762 --> 00:09:39,059 No, I'm serious. Why not have our first date four Oreos away from paradise? 206 00:09:39,184 --> 00:09:42,020 You still wanna go out with me after I just showed you my anxiety sweats? 207 00:09:42,229 --> 00:09:44,147 Man, you must really be into me. 208 00:09:44,564 --> 00:09:49,277 You have to admit, it's very odd that no one has gotten into the Good Place 209 00:09:49,319 --> 00:09:50,779 for 500 years. 210 00:09:50,862 --> 00:09:52,698 Mm, well, there've been dips before. 211 00:09:52,739 --> 00:09:55,826 Remember, like, 200,000 years ago when they invented stabbing 212 00:09:55,867 --> 00:09:57,869 and they were all just, like, stabbing each other? 213 00:09:57,953 --> 00:10:00,080 Again, I urge you to look at Doug Forcett. 214 00:10:00,247 --> 00:10:05,377 The man has lived a selfless life, and he's not even close to getting in. 215 00:10:05,627 --> 00:10:10,924 The only explanation is that the Bad Place has somehow rigged the system. 216 00:10:11,007 --> 00:10:15,804 I wouldn't put it past them. Every single Bad Place employee is a disgusting monster. 217 00:10:16,138 --> 00:10:18,849 Well... some of them are probably cool 218 00:10:18,974 --> 00:10:20,892 handsome, "man-about-town" types. 219 00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:25,856 Committee! Michael the Accountant has brought us evidence of a problem 220 00:10:26,106 --> 00:10:28,608 and now it is up to us to find a solution. 221 00:10:28,692 --> 00:10:32,028 While you wait, Kellen will stand by you, showering you with compliments. 222 00:10:32,904 --> 00:10:35,615 Great job, Michael. You are such a good speaker. 223 00:10:35,657 --> 00:10:38,660 This suit is very flattering. You have a lot of gravitas. 224 00:10:38,702 --> 00:10:42,664 I thought I was going to be annoyed by this, but it... it's wonderful. 225 00:10:42,706 --> 00:10:45,667 Your jawline is extraordinary. You're a nice height. 226 00:10:46,126 --> 00:10:47,669 Your energy is electric. 227 00:10:49,337 --> 00:10:52,841 I gotta say, it's been really nice having a little company. 228 00:10:52,924 --> 00:10:54,342 It's nice to be here. 229 00:10:55,218 --> 00:10:57,637 And it's not nice, to not be there. 230 00:10:58,722 --> 00:11:01,475 So, how'd you two meet? Was it through the contest? 231 00:11:01,516 --> 00:11:03,351 Tahani and I met in brain school 232 00:11:03,435 --> 00:11:05,854 and then we got married, because nothing mattered. 233 00:11:05,896 --> 00:11:09,441 And you're both so attractive! Are all humans as attractive as you two? 234 00:11:11,318 --> 00:11:13,069 - No. - Oh! Fantastic. 235 00:11:13,153 --> 00:11:16,615 Say, Jason, can you help me get more wicker baskets from the other room? 236 00:11:16,698 --> 00:11:17,741 Sure thing. 237 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,410 I'm so sorry, darling, this is all my fault. 238 00:11:20,452 --> 00:11:23,371 I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw. 239 00:11:23,538 --> 00:11:24,498 You saw that too? 240 00:11:25,165 --> 00:11:27,000 No. 241 00:11:27,083 --> 00:11:30,545 Jason knows that I love him, it stinks to hear about how the two of you are married 242 00:11:31,129 --> 00:11:34,007 this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin 243 00:11:34,049 --> 00:11:36,426 and if I don't remain "neutral" in front of Gwendolyn 244 00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:37,677 she's gonna know we've been lying! 245 00:11:37,719 --> 00:11:40,305 All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me 246 00:11:40,347 --> 00:11:42,057 which might be super embarrassing! 247 00:11:42,599 --> 00:11:44,643 What if they come out my butt? 248 00:11:50,524 --> 00:11:51,608 Whoa! Champagne! 249 00:11:51,691 --> 00:11:53,360 Found it in the cupboard. I think it was a gift. 250 00:11:53,568 --> 00:11:55,904 I feel kinda bad. What if it was for something really important? 251 00:11:55,946 --> 00:11:58,573 "Gwendolyn, here's some champagne for you for thanking me 252 00:11:58,615 --> 00:12:01,409 for thanking you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me 253 00:12:01,451 --> 00:12:02,828 for the champagne you sent me." 254 00:12:02,911 --> 00:12:04,538 Pop that bench. 255 00:12:06,206 --> 00:12:08,041 This is my kind of scrappy fun. 256 00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:11,419 Sneaking around with a boy, trying not to get caught... 257 00:12:11,670 --> 00:12:15,465 I know, it's like when my parents would go to a symposium 258 00:12:15,590 --> 00:12:19,427 and I would sneak into their office and read the unabridged dictionary. 259 00:12:19,803 --> 00:12:22,430 I can't believe I'm attracted to you. 260 00:12:22,514 --> 00:12:23,431 You are, though. 261 00:12:23,515 --> 00:12:25,934 I'm not worried about that anymore. You blew it when you admitted it to me. 262 00:12:27,727 --> 00:12:29,688 You still thinking about what's on the other side of that door? 263 00:12:29,980 --> 00:12:31,356 Not really, no. 264 00:12:31,648 --> 00:12:34,234 Because you're here with me, on this side. 265 00:12:35,735 --> 00:12:40,657 I have... one more little surprise for you. 266 00:12:41,032 --> 00:12:42,325 OK, open 'em. 267 00:12:44,786 --> 00:12:47,372 Holy forking fork. 268 00:12:47,664 --> 00:12:48,915 What do you think? 269 00:12:52,419 --> 00:12:54,170 Oh, no, you're crying! 270 00:12:54,421 --> 00:12:56,006 I assume it's because you're happy? 271 00:12:56,047 --> 00:12:57,674 Or horny? Is this a horny-cry? 272 00:12:57,716 --> 00:13:00,927 No! I'm crying because I'm miserable, and it's all your fault. 273 00:13:00,969 --> 00:13:03,346 - Why! Do you not like the outfit? - I love the outfit! 274 00:13:03,430 --> 00:13:06,600 You look amazing! And this sucks, and I'm furious! 275 00:13:06,683 --> 00:13:09,895 And I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I blame you! 276 00:13:13,565 --> 00:13:17,402 In light of this new information, the time has come to take decisive action. 277 00:13:17,652 --> 00:13:18,528 Wow. 278 00:13:18,904 --> 00:13:21,948 Can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that. 279 00:13:21,990 --> 00:13:25,660 We are gonna form an elite investigative team to get to the bottom of this. 280 00:13:25,744 --> 00:13:27,537 And we are fast-tracking the process. 281 00:13:27,579 --> 00:13:30,707 It'll take no more than 400 years. 282 00:13:31,291 --> 00:13:33,627 - Sorry? - It's aggressive, but you heard right. 283 00:13:33,752 --> 00:13:38,423 We are only giving ourselves 400 years to select the members of this elite team. 284 00:13:38,465 --> 00:13:41,343 Wait, 400 years just to form the team? 285 00:13:41,468 --> 00:13:43,720 I was thinking that we could do something... now-ish. 286 00:13:43,762 --> 00:13:47,515 - Like, right now. - Michael, we have rules, procedures. 287 00:13:47,641 --> 00:13:51,227 - We're the Good Guys. We can't just do stuff! - No. 288 00:13:51,269 --> 00:13:53,980 Upon formation, the team will then be in charge of organising 289 00:13:54,022 --> 00:13:57,233 a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate... 290 00:13:57,484 --> 00:13:59,819 Themselves, to make sure there's no conflicts of interest. 291 00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:02,656 And that will take 1,000 years. 292 00:14:02,697 --> 00:14:03,573 OK. 293 00:14:04,866 --> 00:14:07,661 Just so you know, the whole time you're doing this 294 00:14:07,827 --> 00:14:14,000 the bad guys are continuing to torture everyone who ends up in the Bad Place. 295 00:14:14,084 --> 00:14:16,211 Which is everyone! 296 00:14:16,294 --> 00:14:18,129 And that deeply concerns us. 297 00:14:18,213 --> 00:14:21,299 Have you seen the memoranda we've sent each other about how concerned we are? 298 00:14:21,466 --> 00:14:24,094 - We're taking this very seriously. - Hear, hear. 299 00:14:24,177 --> 00:14:27,138 Ooh, Kellen. Did you file a "Hear, Hear" memorandum? 300 00:14:27,514 --> 00:14:29,349 No. Sincerest apologies. 301 00:14:29,391 --> 00:14:32,769 I rescind my "Hear, hear" and resign, effective immediately. 302 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,276 Hey, you two. I think I may have solved one part of our little problem. 303 00:14:41,152 --> 00:14:43,571 I made up a "Death Did Us Part" certificate 304 00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:48,326 explaining that since Jason and I are dead, we are officially no longer fake-married. 305 00:14:48,535 --> 00:14:52,038 I know it's not your main concern, but whatever part of you was vexed 306 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,375 by our silly arrangement, you can now both relax. 307 00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:59,796 I can tell by your silence and inability to make eye contact with me 308 00:14:59,838 --> 00:15:01,756 that I've knocked it out the park. 309 00:15:01,798 --> 00:15:02,924 It's a nice gesture. 310 00:15:03,049 --> 00:15:06,261 I feel both pitied and put on the spot, so... 311 00:15:07,012 --> 00:15:07,887 that's fun. 312 00:15:08,179 --> 00:15:11,933 And it's a cool reminder of how I'm... dead. 313 00:15:11,975 --> 00:15:13,643 Well, forget it! Never mind. 314 00:15:13,768 --> 00:15:15,311 Misfire. Watch this! 315 00:15:17,022 --> 00:15:18,606 There. Cancelled. 316 00:15:18,732 --> 00:15:20,650 - So, you and I are married again? - No, we're not. 317 00:15:20,859 --> 00:15:21,735 Um... 318 00:15:23,069 --> 00:15:24,988 Eugh! 319 00:15:25,905 --> 00:15:27,615 It's OK. 320 00:15:28,116 --> 00:15:29,617 Cry as long as you want. 321 00:15:30,201 --> 00:15:31,369 I'm going to. 322 00:15:32,537 --> 00:15:36,166 Cos my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favourite movie theatre. 323 00:15:36,541 --> 00:15:38,918 It's a really weird incentive to keep crying. 324 00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:41,546 Ugh. Relationships are stupid. 325 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,090 You're scared you're never gonna have a real one 326 00:15:44,299 --> 00:15:47,052 and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away. 327 00:15:47,343 --> 00:15:50,972 Here's an idea, what if we don't worry about whatever comes next? 328 00:15:51,431 --> 00:15:54,601 There's a quote I like by Tolstoy. 329 00:15:54,768 --> 00:15:58,146 "There is only one time that is important. 330 00:15:58,855 --> 00:16:01,024 Now. It is the only time..." 331 00:16:01,149 --> 00:16:02,734 "...when we have any power." 332 00:16:02,901 --> 00:16:04,152 I know that quote. 333 00:16:04,194 --> 00:16:07,489 An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram. 334 00:16:07,864 --> 00:16:10,533 Well, now I hate it. 335 00:16:10,742 --> 00:16:15,830 There is another quote, first spoken by a very wise 336 00:16:15,997 --> 00:16:21,461 very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher 337 00:16:22,128 --> 00:16:23,254 "You gotta try." 338 00:16:24,464 --> 00:16:27,175 Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but... 339 00:16:27,592 --> 00:16:29,677 I think it applies to relationships too. 340 00:16:30,095 --> 00:16:32,138 I've got an idea of something we could try. 341 00:16:32,263 --> 00:16:33,681 Great! What? 342 00:16:35,141 --> 00:16:36,017 Oh! 343 00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:37,894 Wait, I-I think I know... 344 00:16:38,645 --> 00:16:39,771 Well, I don't wanna assume. 345 00:16:40,063 --> 00:16:43,900 What if we both write down what we think you mean... 346 00:16:43,942 --> 00:16:45,568 - What if we didn't? - OK, ooh, ah... 347 00:16:48,363 --> 00:16:49,697 Michael? 348 00:16:49,948 --> 00:16:52,242 How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us? 349 00:16:52,325 --> 00:16:56,246 The Committee is a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. 350 00:16:56,329 --> 00:17:01,334 The Titanic is sinking, and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. 351 00:17:01,751 --> 00:17:04,212 How much more evidence do they need? 352 00:17:04,254 --> 00:17:07,090 The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system! 353 00:17:07,632 --> 00:17:09,134 There's no other explanation. 354 00:17:10,426 --> 00:17:11,970 Can I ask you an unrelated question? 355 00:17:12,053 --> 00:17:15,682 Absolutely not! The fate of all of humanity is at stake 356 00:17:15,723 --> 00:17:17,183 and time is running out! 357 00:17:19,811 --> 00:17:20,728 Go ahead. 358 00:17:20,854 --> 00:17:24,149 I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings 359 00:17:24,190 --> 00:17:25,942 but everything I do makes it worse. 360 00:17:26,276 --> 00:17:29,154 You know them better than anyone else, how do I just make them happy? 361 00:17:29,237 --> 00:17:30,905 How do you make Jason happy? 362 00:17:31,239 --> 00:17:34,200 You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer. 363 00:17:34,325 --> 00:17:36,035 You'd think it'd be that simple 364 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:39,873 but every time I do something nice, it backfires. 365 00:17:40,039 --> 00:17:44,169 There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions. 366 00:17:44,961 --> 00:17:47,213 It feels like a game you can't win! 367 00:17:47,839 --> 00:17:48,715 That's it. 368 00:17:50,383 --> 00:17:52,051 There is another explanation. 369 00:17:52,093 --> 00:17:55,763 Unintended consequences. Oh, Tahani... you did it! 370 00:17:55,889 --> 00:17:57,307 Well, of course I did, darling! 371 00:17:58,349 --> 00:17:59,267 Did what? 372 00:17:59,309 --> 00:18:01,519 All along, I've only been looking at one Doug 373 00:18:01,686 --> 00:18:05,356 but there's... millions of Dougs in here. 374 00:18:08,193 --> 00:18:11,613 In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England 375 00:18:11,654 --> 00:18:14,282 gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. 376 00:18:14,365 --> 00:18:16,868 He picked them himself, walked them over to her 377 00:18:16,951 --> 00:18:19,621 she was happy, boom, 145 points. 378 00:18:20,121 --> 00:18:22,665 Now... Yeah, here we go. 379 00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:28,087 In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland 380 00:18:28,338 --> 00:18:31,507 also gave his grandmother a dozen roses 381 00:18:31,716 --> 00:18:34,510 but he lost four points! 382 00:18:34,677 --> 00:18:39,849 Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell-phone that was made in a sweatshop 383 00:18:40,391 --> 00:18:45,813 the flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers 384 00:18:45,939 --> 00:18:50,735 delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint 385 00:18:50,777 --> 00:18:53,905 and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO 386 00:18:53,988 --> 00:18:58,159 who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! 387 00:18:58,284 --> 00:18:59,410 Woo! 388 00:18:59,744 --> 00:19:01,829 That is a very odd thing to cheer. 389 00:19:01,913 --> 00:19:04,791 Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points. 390 00:19:04,832 --> 00:19:08,962 They don't have to! Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated 391 00:19:09,003 --> 00:19:12,131 and being a good person gets a little harder. 392 00:19:12,674 --> 00:19:15,885 - Gather the others. We have a lot to do. - But we really didn't deal with my thing... 393 00:19:16,928 --> 00:19:17,845 OK. 394 00:19:17,929 --> 00:19:20,390 I'll just... figure it out. 395 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:25,853 Janet, I owe you an apology. I'm very sorry I meddled. 396 00:19:25,937 --> 00:19:29,023 Truly, I was only trying to help, because I want you two to be happy 397 00:19:29,190 --> 00:19:31,943 and because, well, I love you. 398 00:19:32,443 --> 00:19:34,862 I really do. I love you both. 399 00:19:36,406 --> 00:19:39,033 Oh no! I'm sorry, did I say something wrong again? 400 00:19:39,117 --> 00:19:42,036 No, I'm just crying because you're such a nice and thoughtful friend 401 00:19:42,328 --> 00:19:44,080 and the emotions aren't coming out of my butt 402 00:19:44,163 --> 00:19:46,833 they're coming out of my eyes, which is somehow just as embarrassing. 403 00:19:47,417 --> 00:19:48,626 Why are you crying? 404 00:19:48,751 --> 00:19:51,796 I don't know. I'm British, I... I... I never cry. 405 00:19:52,088 --> 00:19:55,550 But you're saying these nice things about me, and it's making me cry! 406 00:19:55,883 --> 00:19:57,510 And also, this is less important 407 00:19:57,593 --> 00:20:00,013 but the carpeting is really disgusting. 408 00:20:00,430 --> 00:20:02,015 Oh! 409 00:20:06,185 --> 00:20:07,562 Why are you crying? 410 00:20:07,645 --> 00:20:10,148 I just like being a part of things! 411 00:20:10,398 --> 00:20:12,066 Oh... 412 00:20:12,483 --> 00:20:16,404 Two humans and a Neutral Janet crying? In the Good Place? 413 00:20:16,654 --> 00:20:20,700 I've never been suspicious of anyone, but I think that's about to change... 414 00:20:20,742 --> 00:20:24,579 Oh, no reason to be suspicious! I-I promise you, we've done nothing untoward. 415 00:20:24,662 --> 00:20:27,582 What's up, fartfaces? Chidi and I just had sex in a closet. 416 00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:32,086 Michael, have you all been lying to me this whole time? 417 00:20:32,378 --> 00:20:35,673 That upsets me! I'm gonna try to shake my fist at you! 418 00:20:36,466 --> 00:20:38,301 D'oh, gosh darn it! 419 00:20:38,468 --> 00:20:41,387 I have no choice. I have to turn you in to the Judge. 420 00:20:41,471 --> 00:20:43,765 Don't bother. I already did. 421 00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:47,018 Hey, Frogman. 422 00:20:47,226 --> 00:20:50,021 The Judge agreed to your terms. She'll meet you at IHOP. 423 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,982 So this is the Good Place, huh? Hm. 424 00:20:55,276 --> 00:20:56,611 Smells like frogs. 425 00:20:58,154 --> 00:20:59,572 Cool. Let's go. 426 00:20:59,697 --> 00:21:01,783 Sorry, did he just say we're going to IHOP? 427 00:21:02,158 --> 00:21:03,242 - Yes. - Tight! 428 00:21:03,326 --> 00:21:04,660 No, not tight. 429 00:21:04,744 --> 00:21:08,790 The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes is the most dangerous place in the universe. 430 00:21:08,956 --> 00:21:09,957 Then why are we going? 431 00:21:10,416 --> 00:21:11,751 To save humanity. 432 00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:13,961 Great, any chance I could change real quick? 433 00:21:14,462 --> 00:21:15,838 - Nope. - Cool. 434 00:21:20,259 --> 00:21:22,762 Bye, guys! Nice to meet you!