1
00:00:05,027 --> 00:00:06,112
DISTANT CHIME
2
00:00:06,570 --> 00:00:07,530
Wow!
3
00:00:07,613 --> 00:00:09,448
HE LAUGHS
Oh, Janet!
4
00:00:09,490 --> 00:00:11,408
You did it! You brought us into your void!
5
00:00:11,575 --> 00:00:13,828
- If I had a heart, it would be pounding!
- Michael--
6
00:00:13,911 --> 00:00:17,456
You'd think there'd be side effects, but...
I feel great.
7
00:00:17,498 --> 00:00:19,041
How's the hair? Is it still amazing?
8
00:00:19,125 --> 00:00:22,628
Michael, there may have been some
side effects for the humans.
9
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:25,756
Huh.
10
00:00:27,091 --> 00:00:29,218
Dude. Why are there so many Janets?
11
00:00:29,301 --> 00:00:33,055
- And why do I sound like Janet?
- You also look like Janet.
12
00:00:33,305 --> 00:00:34,181
Do I?
13
00:00:34,557 --> 00:00:36,475
Why? What?
14
00:00:37,059 --> 00:00:40,396
What is happening?
CHIDI-JANET GROANS
15
00:00:40,771 --> 00:00:41,814
TAHANI-JANET:
Oh, no.
16
00:00:41,856 --> 00:00:42,731
Am I...
17
00:00:43,274 --> 00:00:44,900
wearing a vest?
18
00:00:45,276 --> 00:00:47,278
Ooh! Michael, help me!
19
00:00:47,403 --> 00:00:50,489
This is gonna be tricky.
How do we even tell them apart?
20
00:00:50,948 --> 00:00:53,242
Oh!
JASON-JANET CHUCKLES
21
00:00:53,617 --> 00:00:55,494
OK. That one's Jason.
22
00:01:01,959 --> 00:01:04,211
I can't put the humans back
in their own bodies
23
00:01:04,253 --> 00:01:07,548
so I've done the next best,
but still not that great, thing!
24
00:01:08,299 --> 00:01:10,259
TAHANI-JANET:
A high-neck sleeveless?
25
00:01:10,593 --> 00:01:12,469
I suppose this outfit will do.
26
00:01:12,553 --> 00:01:16,724
Are you sure? I mean,
wearing a floral print to an infinite void
27
00:01:16,849 --> 00:01:18,642
at this time of the nothing?
28
00:01:18,851 --> 00:01:21,061
So, where are we, exactly?
29
00:01:21,145 --> 00:01:24,440
- We're not on Earth, right?
- That's correct, Chidi-Janet, you're not.
30
00:01:24,607 --> 00:01:27,443
Your real bodies dematerialised
when you entered my void
31
00:01:27,484 --> 00:01:31,405
and your essences reconstituted themselves
in this form.
32
00:01:31,488 --> 00:01:32,781
Cool, cool.
33
00:01:32,865 --> 00:01:34,867
And when you say "void"...?
34
00:01:34,950 --> 00:01:37,453
Oh, I mean a sub-dimension
outside of space and time
35
00:01:37,494 --> 00:01:41,081
at the nexus of consciousness and matter,
tethered to my essence.
36
00:01:41,207 --> 00:01:42,124
Does that help?
37
00:01:42,166 --> 00:01:43,459
It does not help.
38
00:01:43,542 --> 00:01:45,002
Makes it way worse.
39
00:01:45,169 --> 00:01:47,588
I just wanna lie down.
40
00:01:47,796 --> 00:01:50,049
HE WAILS:
Where is down?
41
00:01:50,132 --> 00:01:52,134
I found it! It's up here.
42
00:01:52,426 --> 00:01:53,552
It's dope!
43
00:01:54,053 --> 00:01:55,721
I have an idea.
JANET CHIMES
44
00:01:56,096 --> 00:01:57,514
JASON-JANET:
Sweet! I call sofa!
45
00:01:57,598 --> 00:02:00,559
Janet's void has a back door
to the Janet Warehouse
46
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:03,854
in the Neutral Zone,
which is right near Accounting.
47
00:02:03,979 --> 00:02:08,525
You four will stay here
while actual Janet and I sneak through it
48
00:02:08,651 --> 00:02:12,112
- and find the Head Accountant.
- But Michael, why can't we go with you?
49
00:02:12,196 --> 00:02:15,157
Well, you just "died," which means
you're the first humans in history
50
00:02:15,199 --> 00:02:17,493
to not immediately
go to the Good or Bad Place
51
00:02:17,534 --> 00:02:20,829
which in turn makes you
interdimensional fugitives.
52
00:02:20,955 --> 00:02:22,164
So, that's neat.
53
00:02:22,248 --> 00:02:25,584
Also the Judge is probably
still pissed at me for, you know
54
00:02:25,668 --> 00:02:28,212
breaking all the rules,
and she might take it out on you.
55
00:02:28,545 --> 00:02:31,173
Plus, the Bad Place
is probably hunting for us.
56
00:02:31,215 --> 00:02:34,343
So, literally the entire universe
is against you.
57
00:02:34,385 --> 00:02:36,220
OK, but what's a fourth really good reason?
58
00:02:37,721 --> 00:02:40,391
Jeez. Just trying to lighten the mood.
Tough void.
59
00:02:40,474 --> 00:02:43,644
Now, Janet and I will pose
as Good Place employees
60
00:02:43,686 --> 00:02:46,272
and sweet-talk the Accountant
into showing us his books.
61
00:02:46,522 --> 00:02:51,610
If I'm right, we will find proof
that the Bad Place is tampering
62
00:02:51,735 --> 00:02:52,903
with the points system.
63
00:02:53,112 --> 00:02:55,781
The Accountant will tell us what to do,
and this will all be over.
64
00:02:55,823 --> 00:02:57,700
We're almost at the end, guys.
65
00:02:57,783 --> 00:03:01,328
Just stay here and keep Janets' heads
on straight.
66
00:03:01,537 --> 00:03:03,539
- JANET: Bye!
- JANET CHIMES
67
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,252
Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?
68
00:03:08,335 --> 00:03:09,503
That's a Neutral Janet.
69
00:03:09,586 --> 00:03:11,630
She's sort of the black sheep
of the Janet world.
70
00:03:11,755 --> 00:03:13,590
Or the blank sheep, I guess.
71
00:03:13,632 --> 00:03:16,218
Ooh, I can throw shade now! That's cool!
72
00:03:17,761 --> 00:03:19,471
You've arrived at the Accounting office.
73
00:03:19,513 --> 00:03:22,766
All point calculations for actions
taken on Earth are made here.
74
00:03:22,850 --> 00:03:25,311
- End of conversation.
- My name is Michael.
75
00:03:25,394 --> 00:03:28,939
I need to speak with the Head Accountant,
on official Good Place business.
76
00:03:29,064 --> 00:03:31,317
I will inform the Head Accountant
of your presence
77
00:03:31,358 --> 00:03:34,403
and he either will or will not see you
in a certain amount of time.
78
00:03:34,486 --> 00:03:36,030
End of conversation.
79
00:03:36,864 --> 00:03:37,823
Wow.
80
00:03:40,284 --> 00:03:42,870
Good thing your "void"
plan worked out, huh?
81
00:03:43,203 --> 00:03:44,788
JANET BURPS
82
00:03:44,872 --> 00:03:46,165
DISTORTED ECHO
83
00:03:46,248 --> 00:03:48,542
MUSIC: "Believe" by Cher
♪...believe in life after love? ♪
84
00:03:49,168 --> 00:03:50,127
Oh...
85
00:03:50,419 --> 00:03:52,796
having four humans in my void is weird.
86
00:03:53,005 --> 00:03:53,881
Ah.
87
00:03:54,214 --> 00:03:55,591
This is nuts.
88
00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:58,802
We're in a void,
in the body of a white lady...
89
00:03:58,886 --> 00:04:00,262
- Not a lady.
- Not a lady, darling.
90
00:04:00,346 --> 00:04:01,305
But we are white!
91
00:04:01,430 --> 00:04:03,098
Let's all say white people things!
92
00:04:03,182 --> 00:04:04,141
"Billy Joel!"
93
00:04:04,266 --> 00:04:05,559
"I found it on Etsy."
94
00:04:05,726 --> 00:04:07,061
"There was nowhere to park!"
95
00:04:07,186 --> 00:04:08,645
"Did you refill the Brita?"
96
00:04:08,812 --> 00:04:10,647
I find this void quite calming, actually.
97
00:04:10,814 --> 00:04:14,360
It's like, this time, the Xanax took me.
98
00:04:14,401 --> 00:04:15,861
Oh, I have the worst stomach ache.
99
00:04:16,070 --> 00:04:17,488
Dude, relax.
100
00:04:18,197 --> 00:04:20,324
Here, let me see if I
can figure this out...
101
00:04:20,991 --> 00:04:23,202
- ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
- Oh!
102
00:04:23,243 --> 00:04:25,788
Wow, Eleanor! How'd you do that?
103
00:04:25,871 --> 00:04:27,331
I dunno. We're Janets now.
104
00:04:27,414 --> 00:04:29,416
So, I thought we'd have some bitchin'
Janet powers.
105
00:04:29,458 --> 00:04:31,752
JANET CHIMES
What just happened? What did you do?
106
00:04:31,877 --> 00:04:33,962
Sorry, I'm just trying to help Chidi calm--
107
00:04:34,004 --> 00:04:36,632
The structural integrity of this void
is already at risk.
108
00:04:36,673 --> 00:04:38,926
You can't start
randomly conjuring up objects.
109
00:04:39,051 --> 00:04:40,886
IN CUTESY VOICE:
Or it might shatter the void!
110
00:04:40,969 --> 00:04:42,137
Yes, it might!
111
00:04:42,304 --> 00:04:45,432
It might make everything blow up
and we'll all disappear forever!
112
00:04:45,516 --> 00:04:46,392
Mwah!
113
00:04:46,517 --> 00:04:47,976
So, stop it!
114
00:04:48,018 --> 00:04:48,977
JANET CHIMES
115
00:04:50,479 --> 00:04:51,522
JANET CHIMES
116
00:04:52,356 --> 00:04:53,649
Everything OK?
117
00:04:53,899 --> 00:04:54,775
Nope!
118
00:04:54,858 --> 00:04:57,528
- Well...
- The Head Accountant
has decided to see you.
119
00:04:57,569 --> 00:05:00,280
This will happen now. End of conversation.
120
00:05:01,448 --> 00:05:02,324
Hi.
121
00:05:03,450 --> 00:05:04,451
Hey-oh!
122
00:05:04,493 --> 00:05:06,078
Ha, there they are. Good to see you.
123
00:05:06,161 --> 00:05:08,622
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Neil, Head Accountant.
124
00:05:08,705 --> 00:05:10,582
You must be Janet and Michael.
125
00:05:10,624 --> 00:05:12,084
- Yes.
- ACCOUNTANT CHUCKLES
126
00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:14,420
Can I just say,
I really depreciate you coming.
127
00:05:15,587 --> 00:05:17,840
Eh? Little bit of Accounting humour.
128
00:05:17,923 --> 00:05:18,966
- Ha!
- Yeah.
129
00:05:19,007 --> 00:05:22,761
- So, what can I do for you?
- Well, I'm concerned about certain...
130
00:05:22,803 --> 00:05:24,721
anomalies, in the points system.
131
00:05:24,763 --> 00:05:28,517
I'm worried that somehow,
the Bad Place has been tampering.
132
00:05:28,559 --> 00:05:30,853
Tampering? No, no, no. Quite impossible.
133
00:05:31,103 --> 00:05:32,062
Laughable, really.
134
00:05:32,271 --> 00:05:34,189
Janet, can you remind me
to laugh at that later?
135
00:05:34,273 --> 00:05:37,317
Your amusement has been scheduled.
End of conversation.
136
00:05:38,735 --> 00:05:39,862
She's a lot of fun.
137
00:05:39,945 --> 00:05:42,072
Could you just humour us though?
138
00:05:42,448 --> 00:05:45,159
- Show us how the system works?
- Uh...
139
00:05:45,242 --> 00:05:46,994
well, I suppose I could give you
a quick tour.
140
00:05:47,035 --> 00:05:49,371
We don't get a lot of visitors. Follow me.
141
00:05:50,497 --> 00:05:54,418
Eleanor! How'd you know I always
wanted a dog like this?
142
00:05:54,835 --> 00:05:58,422
Funny story, it's one of the things I saw
in the alternate timeline
143
00:05:58,464 --> 00:06:02,176
where we were soulmates on and off
for 300 years.
144
00:06:03,343 --> 00:06:06,638
- Maybe we should talk about that?
- Well, I... suppose we can
145
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,057
but there's not that much to talk about.
146
00:06:09,641 --> 00:06:13,353
The things you saw weren't part of my life,
so they didn't happen to me.
147
00:06:13,395 --> 00:06:16,690
The hell are you talking about, man?
Of course it was you. I saw it.
148
00:06:16,732 --> 00:06:20,027
Well, it was a Chidi, sure,
but it wasn't me Chidi.
149
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,447
This is a classic philosophical question,
the concept of "the self"
150
00:06:23,489 --> 00:06:24,448
or "who we are"
151
00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:28,035
philosophically speaking,
there's the Chidi I am
152
00:06:28,076 --> 00:06:31,121
who lived a certain life,
and there's the Chidi you saw
153
00:06:31,205 --> 00:06:36,043
your soulmate, or whatever,
who had some entirely different life.
154
00:06:36,585 --> 00:06:38,170
- Not the same Chidis.
- ELEANOR-JANET SCOFFS
155
00:06:38,253 --> 00:06:40,297
I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, I get it.
156
00:06:40,797 --> 00:06:43,050
Counterpoint, that's the dumbest thing
you've ever said
157
00:06:43,091 --> 00:06:45,469
and you do not deserve a puppy!
I'm un-blooping your puppy!
158
00:06:45,969 --> 00:06:47,054
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
159
00:06:47,846 --> 00:06:49,181
- ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
- PUPPIES YAP
160
00:06:49,264 --> 00:06:51,892
Things are getting cuter
and I want them to get less cute!
161
00:06:57,523 --> 00:06:59,608
So, this is the main feed.
162
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,027
Every action, by every human on Earth
163
00:07:02,069 --> 00:07:05,572
is recorded and then sent here
to be assigned a point value
164
00:07:05,656 --> 00:07:08,200
based on the absolute moral worth
of that action.
165
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:12,788
For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan
just decided to have a destination wedding.
166
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,414
Negative 1,200 points.
167
00:07:15,249 --> 00:07:17,751
Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding.
168
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,169
Negative 4,300.
169
00:07:20,671 --> 00:07:23,465
The theme's Lord of the Rings.
They're basically doomed.
170
00:07:23,590 --> 00:07:25,050
- COMPUTER BEEPS
- Ah! Here's fun.
171
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:28,679
This means that someone has just done
something which has never been done before.
172
00:07:29,096 --> 00:07:33,308
Richard Moore of Sugarland Texas,
hollowed out an eggplant
173
00:07:33,392 --> 00:07:36,270
and filled it with hot sauce and nickels.
174
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,772
And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing!
175
00:07:38,814 --> 00:07:42,025
99% percent of all new human behaviours
are weird sex things
176
00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:44,236
but not in this...
oh, no it is a weird sex thing.
177
00:07:44,444 --> 00:07:47,072
Well, then we zip that over
to the relevant departments.
178
00:07:47,155 --> 00:07:49,616
In this case, Anastasia
in the Stuffed Vegetable Department
179
00:07:50,033 --> 00:07:52,119
we've got Hector over in American Coins
180
00:07:52,202 --> 00:07:54,538
and my dear buddy Matt,
in Weird Sex Things.
181
00:07:54,955 --> 00:07:57,457
I'm still waiting on a response
to the request I filed
182
00:07:57,541 --> 00:07:58,917
for immediate suicide?
183
00:07:59,084 --> 00:08:00,294
Request denied.
184
00:08:00,711 --> 00:08:02,588
I love Matty! He's hilarious.
185
00:08:02,629 --> 00:08:07,092
So, they now examine the action,
its use of resources
186
00:08:07,175 --> 00:08:08,927
the intentions behind it
187
00:08:09,303 --> 00:08:13,432
- its effects on others...
- Correct, and you end up with this.
188
00:08:13,932 --> 00:08:16,310
And here is why tampering is impossible.
189
00:08:16,351 --> 00:08:20,480
Because this score is then double-checked
by three billion other accountants
190
00:08:20,606 --> 00:08:21,773
all chosen at random
191
00:08:21,940 --> 00:08:25,777
and if they all come to the same conclusion,
which they always do
192
00:08:25,819 --> 00:08:26,945
it makes this official.
193
00:08:27,029 --> 00:08:29,197
Anyone who does this same action
in the exact same way
194
00:08:29,364 --> 00:08:30,741
loses this many points.
195
00:08:30,991 --> 00:08:34,494
When people die, their biographical history
and final point totals
196
00:08:34,536 --> 00:08:36,204
are sent to the relevant destination.
197
00:08:36,288 --> 00:08:38,123
This batch is going to the Bad Place.
198
00:08:38,624 --> 00:08:40,083
- BUTTON BUZZES
- Thank you, Doris.
199
00:08:42,169 --> 00:08:44,838
The system is flawless
and tampering is quite impossible.
200
00:08:44,921 --> 00:08:49,885
I see. Could we look at one specific file,
though, just to make sure?
201
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:52,721
Oh... Who do you wanna see? Genghis Khan?
202
00:08:52,763 --> 00:08:53,639
Marie Antoinette?
203
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,849
Walt Disney's got some freaky stuff
in his file.
204
00:08:57,017 --> 00:08:58,352
Doug Forcett.
205
00:08:59,436 --> 00:09:01,396
I don't get this, man.
206
00:09:01,521 --> 00:09:03,607
Why wouldn't you want to know
what our life was like?
207
00:09:03,815 --> 00:09:06,860
You're not even a little bit curious
what it was like to hit this?
208
00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:08,695
I don't mean this this.
209
00:09:08,779 --> 00:09:11,698
Although, frankly,
I would also hit this this.
210
00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:14,868
I don't want to see those memories
because, philosophically speaking
211
00:09:14,910 --> 00:09:16,662
they're none of my business.
212
00:09:16,703 --> 00:09:20,290
They happened to someone else.
Let me explain.
213
00:09:20,832 --> 00:09:22,334
CHIDI-JANET CHIMES
Take a seat.
214
00:09:22,376 --> 00:09:24,378
Conceptions of the self!
215
00:09:24,670 --> 00:09:28,840
Let's start with John Locke, who believed
that personal identity was based on
216
00:09:28,882 --> 00:09:32,886
having a continued consciousness:
essentially, memory.
217
00:09:33,261 --> 00:09:37,766
Memories are links in a chain that together
form a single self.
218
00:09:38,016 --> 00:09:39,768
If I can't remember what happened
219
00:09:39,893 --> 00:09:42,813
because it happened to a Chidi
from another timeline
220
00:09:42,896 --> 00:09:44,898
it's not a unified "me."
221
00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:47,859
Just because you don't remember doing
something doesn't mean you didn't do it.
222
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:49,695
I have no idea how it happened
223
00:09:49,736 --> 00:09:53,699
but there is definitely a tattoo on my butt
that says "Jasom."
224
00:09:53,907 --> 00:09:56,618
- That brings us to Derek Parfit.
- It does?
225
00:09:56,743 --> 00:10:00,122
Parfit said, even if I have memories
from an earlier time
226
00:10:00,205 --> 00:10:02,916
that doesn't necessarily mean it was "me".
227
00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:07,462
After all, if my brain was split in two
and each half was put in a different person
228
00:10:07,713 --> 00:10:09,381
which one is "me"?
229
00:10:09,464 --> 00:10:12,718
All I know is that other Chidi
doesn't exist anymore
230
00:10:12,801 --> 00:10:16,805
and this one does,
so this must be the real Chidi.
231
00:10:16,930 --> 00:10:20,350
And all I know is that you're just barfing
Wikipedia all over everyone
232
00:10:20,392 --> 00:10:22,769
to avoid talking about your feelings.
233
00:10:23,979 --> 00:10:25,647
Let's talk about David Hume!
234
00:10:26,481 --> 00:10:27,858
ACCOUNTANT HUMS
235
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,569
Here we go. The Book of Dougs.
236
00:10:31,695 --> 00:10:33,029
Let's have a look...
237
00:10:34,698 --> 00:10:37,451
Doug Forbush... Forcap...
238
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:38,952
Doug L. Forcett!
239
00:10:39,828 --> 00:10:42,289
Hey-hey, no peeking. Accountants only.
240
00:10:42,372 --> 00:10:44,791
Can you just tell me his total so far?
241
00:10:44,958 --> 00:10:48,545
Looks like he's at... 520,000 points.
242
00:10:48,712 --> 00:10:51,173
- Well done, Doug.
- So that's... that's good?
243
00:10:51,423 --> 00:10:52,466
Oh, it's excellent.
244
00:10:53,175 --> 00:10:55,010
Wait, he's 68 years old?
245
00:10:55,177 --> 00:10:56,803
Oh, that's terrible. He's screwed.
246
00:10:57,220 --> 00:10:58,263
I knew it!
247
00:10:58,472 --> 00:11:02,476
Doug has spent his entire life
being nothing but good.
248
00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:06,480
He once found a dollar on the ground
and he sent it to the Canadian government
249
00:11:06,605 --> 00:11:11,234
to help pay down their national debt,
and he isn't even close to getting in?
250
00:11:11,318 --> 00:11:14,362
- How can that be?
- Look, mate, the points are indisputable.
251
00:11:14,571 --> 00:11:16,239
They have been since the beginning.
252
00:11:16,531 --> 00:11:18,867
MICHAEL:
"Og gives his rock to Grog."
253
00:11:18,909 --> 00:11:22,204
First ever act of human altruism.
Og earned 10,000 points that day.
254
00:11:22,412 --> 00:11:25,165
Of course, then Grog used that
rock to beat Og's brains in
255
00:11:25,248 --> 00:11:26,500
and lost a million points.
256
00:11:26,583 --> 00:11:30,128
Point is the math is cold, objective,
and airtight
257
00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:33,215
and unless you can prove otherwise,
I don't know how I can help you.
258
00:11:33,548 --> 00:11:37,177
I just got 700 new "Weird Sex Thing" files
in the last one second.
259
00:11:37,344 --> 00:11:39,429
Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started.
260
00:11:39,721 --> 00:11:42,599
- Buckle up, Matty! It's gonna be a long week.
- No...
261
00:11:43,558 --> 00:11:47,729
So, in essence, Hume thought that
we don't truly have a "self"
262
00:11:47,813 --> 00:11:51,274
we're just a bundle of our ever-changing
impressions.
263
00:11:51,316 --> 00:11:55,070
Just admit it, man. You're embarrassed
you fell in love with an Arizona trash-bag.
264
00:11:55,111 --> 00:11:56,988
Eleanor, it's not personal.
265
00:11:57,155 --> 00:12:00,450
Someone fell in love with you,
it's just not "me".
266
00:12:00,492 --> 00:12:02,410
JANET CHIMES
I told you not to conjure anything!
267
00:12:02,536 --> 00:12:05,956
Sorry, I... I... I just swapped
the living room for a classroom.
268
00:12:05,997 --> 00:12:07,123
Not you, him.
269
00:12:07,499 --> 00:12:10,210
- Jason, what is wrong with you?
- Sorry, Janet!
270
00:12:10,252 --> 00:12:11,920
I didn't mean to conjure Pillboi.
271
00:12:12,003 --> 00:12:14,923
I was just thinking about how much fun
we used to have hanging out
272
00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:18,093
in his broken hot tub
and then he showed up!
273
00:12:18,218 --> 00:12:21,596
Yeah, I was just chillin,' being nothing,
and then all of a sudden
274
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,139
- I "was"!
- Oh!
275
00:12:23,473 --> 00:12:24,516
Goodbye, Pillboi.
276
00:12:24,599 --> 00:12:25,475
Aw, dip!
277
00:12:25,517 --> 00:12:27,853
VOICE ECHOES:
I'm "not" again!
278
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:29,938
JANET CHIMES
Oh...
279
00:12:30,522 --> 00:12:33,859
You need to hurry.
My molecular essence is fragmenting
280
00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:36,444
and it's giving me the worst headache.
281
00:12:36,903 --> 00:12:40,740
OK, here's a question.
If Doug Forcett's not getting in, who is?
282
00:12:40,824 --> 00:12:45,078
Let's look at one more file, someone who's
gotten into the Good Place this year.
283
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,581
Alright. Why don't we look at...
284
00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:50,083
No one. No one got in.
285
00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:52,627
No one's gotten in for a year?
286
00:12:52,878 --> 00:12:55,422
- Correct.
- How about the last three years?
287
00:12:55,714 --> 00:12:56,965
Alright, uh...
288
00:12:57,090 --> 00:12:58,466
Beep, boop...
289
00:13:01,845 --> 00:13:03,305
Uh, no one.
290
00:13:04,264 --> 00:13:06,433
When was the last time someone got in?
291
00:13:06,558 --> 00:13:08,935
- KEYBOARD CLATTERS
- The last time someone got enough points
292
00:13:08,977 --> 00:13:10,937
to get into the Good Place was...
293
00:13:11,438 --> 00:13:13,023
521 years ago.
294
00:13:15,650 --> 00:13:17,277
Michael... um...
295
00:13:19,237 --> 00:13:20,363
Yo, homie.
296
00:13:21,489 --> 00:13:25,160
You and Eleanor were fighting before
and I couldn't help but overhear.
297
00:13:25,619 --> 00:13:26,494
Hey.
298
00:13:26,953 --> 00:13:31,124
If we hear with our ears,
why's it called "butt overhearing?"
299
00:13:31,499 --> 00:13:35,587
Bro, if you don't like her,
you should just tell her.
300
00:13:35,921 --> 00:13:39,341
It's not about whether I "like" Eleanor.
301
00:13:39,591 --> 00:13:44,012
I got into philosophy to try to make sense
of a world that almost never makes sense
302
00:13:44,054 --> 00:13:47,557
and that was before I learned that I died
303
00:13:47,641 --> 00:13:51,353
and then un-died and then re-died...
304
00:13:51,770 --> 00:13:55,190
I just can't take one more thing.
It's too much.
305
00:13:55,649 --> 00:13:57,317
I'm gonna tell you a story.
306
00:13:57,859 --> 00:14:01,529
Back in Jacksonville, there was this guy
in my 80-person dance crew
307
00:14:01,613 --> 00:14:03,031
named Stank Toby.
308
00:14:03,073 --> 00:14:06,618
Hang on. It was a 60-person dance crew.
309
00:14:06,743 --> 00:14:07,827
Um...
310
00:14:08,495 --> 00:14:09,412
Oh, dip!
311
00:14:10,163 --> 00:14:11,665
What are numbers?
312
00:14:11,873 --> 00:14:14,084
You're not Jason-Janet!
313
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:17,587
You're Eleanor-Janet
pretending to be Jason-Janet!
314
00:14:17,671 --> 00:14:21,508
That is so wrong and so confusing!
315
00:14:21,716 --> 00:14:24,928
What was I supposed to do, man?
You wouldn't talk to me!
316
00:14:25,011 --> 00:14:26,221
This seemed like the only option.
317
00:14:26,262 --> 00:14:28,223
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor!
318
00:14:28,348 --> 00:14:31,935
- I'm Arizona shrimp horny!
- That's not what I sound like, Jason.
319
00:14:32,018 --> 00:14:33,770
- Get out of here.
- Oh, dip.
320
00:14:34,229 --> 00:14:36,398
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
Look, you know what?
321
00:14:36,481 --> 00:14:37,357
Just forget it.
322
00:14:37,607 --> 00:14:40,402
What am I even doing? I-I'm chasing a dude
who isn't into me
323
00:14:40,443 --> 00:14:42,988
I'm making myself vulnerable for no reason.
324
00:14:43,029 --> 00:14:45,198
I don't even know who I am anymore.
325
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:46,449
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
326
00:14:46,741 --> 00:14:47,742
Uh-oh.
327
00:14:48,368 --> 00:14:50,954
- This is new.
- I'm so annoyed at myself!
328
00:14:51,037 --> 00:14:52,914
God... Stupid Eleanor!
329
00:14:53,164 --> 00:14:54,290
Stupid!
330
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,711
This whole thing sucks, you know?
331
00:14:57,794 --> 00:14:58,962
Eleanor... you... you're not...
332
00:14:59,004 --> 00:15:01,923
The one thing I never wanted to do, ever,
for any reason
333
00:15:01,965 --> 00:15:04,509
was to follow some guy around
like a lame puppy dog.
334
00:15:04,676 --> 00:15:06,636
- I mean, look at me, I don't need to do that!
- DISTANT CRACKING
335
00:15:06,678 --> 00:15:08,304
I can get any guy I want!
336
00:15:08,346 --> 00:15:09,973
Eleanor, just... hang on...
337
00:15:10,015 --> 00:15:11,391
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
What, dude? What?
338
00:15:11,474 --> 00:15:12,726
- What do you want?
- JANET CHIMES
339
00:15:12,809 --> 00:15:13,768
What is going on?
340
00:15:13,810 --> 00:15:15,353
- ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
- OK.
341
00:15:15,562 --> 00:15:16,479
Well...
342
00:15:16,938 --> 00:15:18,773
- This is bad.
- Why are you staring at me?
343
00:15:18,940 --> 00:15:21,067
Do I have a zit on my nose or something?
344
00:15:21,151 --> 00:15:24,487
Your sense of self is crumbling,
and it's taking the void down with it.
345
00:15:24,529 --> 00:15:25,822
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
Great, so...
346
00:15:25,864 --> 00:15:28,783
I don't feel like myself for two seconds
and it breaks the universe?
347
00:15:28,992 --> 00:15:32,120
How come nothing went wrong when
Chidi freaked out about his identity
348
00:15:32,162 --> 00:15:33,204
for three hours?
349
00:15:33,288 --> 00:15:35,707
Because freaking out about everything
is my identity.
350
00:15:35,999 --> 00:15:37,000
Not to brag.
351
00:15:37,083 --> 00:15:38,918
I need you to hold it together.
352
00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:40,670
Try to do something Eleanor-y.
353
00:15:40,712 --> 00:15:43,840
Laugh at someone who falls down,
or show up to an event underdressed
354
00:15:43,882 --> 00:15:46,634
and get mad at everyone else somehow.
I'll be right back.
355
00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:48,595
- JANET CHIMES
- DISTANT CRACK
356
00:15:51,014 --> 00:15:53,266
I know I asked you this before, but...
357
00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:56,352
No, darling, this is not where
the Mac and PC guys live.
358
00:15:56,436 --> 00:15:58,730
Whoa! Check out this dope flat screen.
359
00:15:59,606 --> 00:16:01,066
It's air-mounted!
360
00:16:01,566 --> 00:16:02,692
Do you see this, Tahani?
361
00:16:02,942 --> 00:16:05,945
TAHANI-JANET: This must be where Janet
stores all her information.
362
00:16:06,029 --> 00:16:10,742
This screen can literally show us anything
that has ever happened!
363
00:16:10,867 --> 00:16:12,702
- Cartoons! Cartoons!
- JANET CHIMES
364
00:16:13,328 --> 00:16:14,579
I think it's broken.
365
00:16:14,829 --> 00:16:16,956
TV, play cartoons for Jason!
366
00:16:17,082 --> 00:16:20,126
- BOY BAND MUSIC PLAYS
- TAHANI-JANET: Oh, my.
367
00:16:20,168 --> 00:16:21,961
Janet has a crush on you.
368
00:16:22,295 --> 00:16:25,423
I'm sorry. It's not just a crush.
369
00:16:25,965 --> 00:16:30,762
I think in one of the reboots,
you and Janet were... married.
370
00:16:30,845 --> 00:16:32,388
JASON-JANET:
Whoa! Married?
371
00:16:32,555 --> 00:16:33,890
Oh...
372
00:16:34,349 --> 00:16:37,268
this flat screen
must have been a wedding present.
373
00:16:37,894 --> 00:16:40,396
It's all starting to make sense now.
374
00:16:41,022 --> 00:16:43,775
Well, I've gotta run. We're having a little
"thing" in the breakroom
375
00:16:43,817 --> 00:16:45,235
for Marisol's birthday.
376
00:16:45,401 --> 00:16:47,695
She's turning 39 million, again.
377
00:16:48,321 --> 00:16:49,572
So, if there's nothing else...
378
00:16:49,656 --> 00:16:53,201
"If there's nothing else?"
Neil, be logical.
379
00:16:53,243 --> 00:16:57,163
Not one Good Place resident
in over 500 years?
380
00:16:57,664 --> 00:17:00,375
Not Jonas Salk, not Harriet Tubman?
381
00:17:00,416 --> 00:17:03,211
Not one single Golden Girl?
382
00:17:03,253 --> 00:17:06,381
The Bad Place has hacked your system!
383
00:17:06,673 --> 00:17:08,842
No, it hasn't. How dare you!
384
00:17:09,008 --> 00:17:10,593
Frankly,
I'm beginning to resent your tone, sir.
385
00:17:10,635 --> 00:17:12,470
If you've got a problem,
then go to the Good Place
386
00:17:12,512 --> 00:17:14,556
take it up with the Committee.
Now, if you'll excuse me
387
00:17:14,597 --> 00:17:17,308
I have to get to the breakroom
because there's cake over there
388
00:17:17,350 --> 00:17:20,061
and if I don't move quickly,
Erika will get the last corner piece!
389
00:17:20,145 --> 00:17:21,020
Good day, sir.
390
00:17:21,604 --> 00:17:23,481
MICHAEL:
Oh, no, no, no. This can't be happening.
391
00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:28,278
No, he was supposed to tell us what to do!
If he's not gonna fix this, who is?
392
00:17:29,696 --> 00:17:30,613
You, Michael.
393
00:17:31,489 --> 00:17:33,158
It has to be you.
394
00:17:33,324 --> 00:17:36,244
We keep wandering around these
different realms, expecting someone else
395
00:17:36,286 --> 00:17:38,329
to have the answer, but no one ever does.
396
00:17:38,705 --> 00:17:40,081
You're the guy, Michael.
397
00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:43,376
You're the only one who can fix
whatever's wrong with the afterlife.
398
00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:46,504
But before we get into that,
Eleanor's identity is shattering
399
00:17:46,546 --> 00:17:48,423
inside of my void, and I might blow up
400
00:17:48,464 --> 00:17:51,843
so I'm gonna need you to grab a paperclip
and marbleise me, like, yesterday.
401
00:17:51,885 --> 00:17:53,595
- What's gonna happen to the humans?
- No idea
402
00:17:53,636 --> 00:17:55,847
but I can't take them out of my void
in the middle of this office
403
00:17:55,889 --> 00:17:58,183
and if we do nothing, everyone's gone-zo!
404
00:17:58,391 --> 00:18:01,477
Marbleise me, get us somewhere safe,
and bring me back.
405
00:18:01,769 --> 00:18:03,938
Right. Paperclip! I need a papercli...
Hey, Matt!
406
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:05,732
Do you have a paperclip?
407
00:18:06,274 --> 00:18:07,942
What are you gonna use it for?
408
00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,403
- Chidi? I'm scared.
- I know.
409
00:18:10,445 --> 00:18:12,989
What am I supposed to be doing right now?
I don't remember.
410
00:18:13,198 --> 00:18:15,450
I'm having a hard time... remembering...
411
00:18:16,534 --> 00:18:17,535
Right.
412
00:18:18,328 --> 00:18:20,747
Memories. You need to remember who you are.
413
00:18:21,164 --> 00:18:24,334
You're Eleanor Shellstrop,
from Phoenix, Arizona.
414
00:18:24,417 --> 00:18:26,502
Your favourite meal is shrimp scampi.
415
00:18:26,669 --> 00:18:28,880
You listed your emergency contact
as Britney Spears
416
00:18:28,922 --> 00:18:30,757
as a longshot way of meeting her
417
00:18:30,798 --> 00:18:34,594
and your favourite movie is that clip
of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem".
418
00:18:34,969 --> 00:18:39,349
You flew halfway around the world
because you wanted to be a better person
419
00:18:39,390 --> 00:18:40,808
and it was very brave.
420
00:18:41,059 --> 00:18:43,353
You're sharp and you're strong.
421
00:18:43,686 --> 00:18:47,690
You make fun of me a lot,
you once called me a "human snooze button"
422
00:18:47,732 --> 00:18:51,277
but you also showed up in my classroom
when I was drowning in despair
423
00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:55,114
and canned chili,
and you basically saved my life.
424
00:18:55,240 --> 00:19:00,828
You have very high self-esteem and a very
low tolerance for men who wear sandals
425
00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:05,917
and your worst nightmare is someone
saying something nice about you
426
00:19:05,959 --> 00:19:08,628
to your face, but too bad,
because I need to say it
427
00:19:09,504 --> 00:19:10,755
because you deserve it.
428
00:19:11,464 --> 00:19:12,382
Because...
429
00:19:12,757 --> 00:19:13,675
- Because...
- Chidi!
430
00:19:27,855 --> 00:19:29,774
SHE GASPS
431
00:19:31,693 --> 00:19:32,819
SHE LAUGHS
432
00:19:33,403 --> 00:19:34,821
Nice work, bud.
433
00:19:36,322 --> 00:19:38,616
Did you mean everything you said, or...
434
00:19:39,033 --> 00:19:41,786
did you just say it because the world
was ending?
435
00:19:43,413 --> 00:19:48,543
I really wanna play this cool,
but I'm afraid that I'm gonna ruin it
436
00:19:48,626 --> 00:19:50,378
if I try to be sexy.
437
00:19:52,588 --> 00:19:54,340
I already ruined it, um...
438
00:19:55,008 --> 00:19:57,343
saying the word "sexy" is not sexy...
439
00:20:01,472 --> 00:20:02,598
- Wait!
- Oh, Jesus!
440
00:20:02,807 --> 00:20:03,808
I'm OK.
441
00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:06,144
- You're sure?
- Yes. I'm OK.
442
00:20:06,352 --> 00:20:07,854
Wait... uh-oh... ooh.
443
00:20:07,979 --> 00:20:10,398
- What?
- They're not Janets anymore, they're...
444
00:20:10,523 --> 00:20:12,650
them, and they're not sitting well.
445
00:20:13,234 --> 00:20:14,235
Incoming.
446
00:20:18,740 --> 00:20:20,992
They're all here, and they're safe!
447
00:20:21,326 --> 00:20:23,286
SIREN WAILS
448
00:20:23,328 --> 00:20:24,912
From the old scary thing.
449
00:20:25,204 --> 00:20:27,332
Now there's a new scary thing.
450
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:31,210
Hi, guys! I'm Neil. Welcome to Accounting.
451
00:20:31,419 --> 00:20:34,630
Now, uh... it does seem that four of you
are interdimensional fugitives
452
00:20:34,714 --> 00:20:37,175
so I did go ahead and hit the alarm.
Sorry about that.
453
00:20:37,216 --> 00:20:38,801
But, uh, there is some good news.
454
00:20:38,926 --> 00:20:40,428
- There's some cake left.
- Yes!
455
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,973
- Michael, what are we going to do?
- Guys, I'm so sorry.
456
00:20:44,223 --> 00:20:46,726
- The Accountant was no help.
- Rude.
457
00:20:46,851 --> 00:20:49,687
No one's gotten into the Good Place
in 500 years.
458
00:20:50,021 --> 00:20:53,441
We have no plan.
No one's coming to save us.
459
00:20:54,525 --> 00:20:56,527
SIREN WAILS
460
00:20:57,236 --> 00:20:58,154
So...
461
00:21:02,075 --> 00:21:03,326
I'm gonna do it.
462
00:21:06,829 --> 00:21:08,289
- Follow me!
- CROWD GASPS
463
00:21:08,831 --> 00:21:11,584
The corner piece! No!
464
00:21:15,713 --> 00:21:18,132
You can't take the Book of Dougs.
Accountants only!
465
00:21:18,174 --> 00:21:22,345
I need one of you to volunteer
to do something outrageously insane
466
00:21:22,470 --> 00:21:25,765
that will either make you cease to exist
or be really fun.
467
00:21:25,807 --> 00:21:28,184
- That's most of the things I've tried!
- That's my guy! Come on, come here.
468
00:21:28,351 --> 00:21:29,227
Get in the tube!
469
00:21:29,310 --> 00:21:31,145
Oh, hell yeah! I love gettin' in stuff!
470
00:21:31,270 --> 00:21:32,313
BUTTON CHIMES
471
00:21:33,815 --> 00:21:36,484
SIREN WAILS
472
00:21:39,695 --> 00:21:41,656
No way to know what happened to him,
so come on, let's go.
473
00:21:41,697 --> 00:21:42,740
Everyone else, come up.
474
00:21:44,075 --> 00:21:45,034
There you go.
475
00:21:45,993 --> 00:21:47,161
BUTTON CHIMES
476
00:21:47,328 --> 00:21:49,622
DISTANT YELL
477
00:21:49,831 --> 00:21:52,083
DISTANT CLATTER AND SHOUTS
478
00:21:52,208 --> 00:21:53,126
MICHAEL:
Ow!
479
00:21:54,669 --> 00:21:56,170
JASON GASPS
480
00:21:56,879 --> 00:21:57,964
That was awesome!
481
00:21:58,047 --> 00:21:59,590
Awesome! I want to go again!
482
00:22:02,677 --> 00:22:03,970
Where are we?
483
00:22:05,471 --> 00:22:06,764
We're in the Good Place.
484
00:22:07,181 --> 00:22:10,560
No offense, dude, but you have told us
a lot of lies in the last 300 years
485
00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:12,979
so seriously, where the fork are we?
486
00:22:14,647 --> 00:22:15,606
Fork.
487
00:22:16,566 --> 00:22:17,483
Shirt.
488
00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:18,568
Ash-hole.
489
00:22:18,693 --> 00:22:19,861
SHE GASPS
490
00:22:20,945 --> 00:22:22,989
Holy forking shirtballs...
491
00:22:23,823 --> 00:22:25,616
we're in the Good Place!