DISTANT CHIME
Wow!
HE LAUGHS Oh, Janet!
You did it! You brought us into your void!
- If I had a heart, it would be pounding! - Michael--
You'd think there'd be side effects, but... I feel great.
How's the hair? Is it still amazing?
Michael, there may have been some side effects for the humans.
Huh.
Dude. Why are there so many Janets?
- And why do I sound like Janet? - You also look like Janet.
Do I?
Why? What?
What is happening? CHIDI-JANET GROANS
TAHANI-JANET: Oh, no.
Am I...
wearing a vest?
Ooh! Michael, help me!
This is gonna be tricky. How do we even tell them apart?
Oh! JASON-JANET CHUCKLES
OK. That one's Jason.
I can't put the humans back in their own bodies
so I've done the next best, but still not that great, thing!
TAHANI-JANET: A high-neck sleeveless?
I suppose this outfit will do.
Are you sure? I mean, wearing a floral print to an infinite void
at this time of the nothing?
So, where are we, exactly?
- We're not on Earth, right? - That's correct, Chidi-Janet, you're not.
Your real bodies dematerialised when you entered my void
and your essences reconstituted themselves in this form.
Cool, cool.
And when you say "void"...?
Oh, I mean a sub-dimension outside of space and time
at the nexus of consciousness and matter, tethered to my essence.
Does that help?
It does not help.
Makes it way worse.
I just wanna lie down.
HE WAILS: Where is down?
I found it! It's up here.
It's dope!
I have an idea. JANET CHIMES
JASON-JANET: Sweet! I call sofa!
Janet's void has a back door to the Janet Warehouse
in the Neutral Zone, which is right near Accounting.
You four will stay here while actual Janet and I sneak through it
- and find the Head Accountant. - But Michael, why can't we go with you?
Well, you just "died," which means you're the first humans in history
to not immediately go to the Good or Bad Place
which in turn makes you interdimensional fugitives.
So, that's neat.
Also the Judge is probably still pissed at me for, you know
breaking all the rules, and she might take it out on you.
Plus, the Bad Place is probably hunting for us.
So, literally the entire universe is against you.
OK, but what's a fourth really good reason?
Jeez. Just trying to lighten the mood. Tough void.
Now, Janet and I will pose as Good Place employees
and sweet-talk the Accountant into showing us his books.
If I'm right, we will find proof that the Bad Place is tampering
with the points system.
The Accountant will tell us what to do, and this will all be over.
We're almost at the end, guys.
Just stay here and keep Janets' heads on straight.
- JANET: Bye! - JANET CHIMES
Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?
That's a Neutral Janet.
She's sort of the black sheep of the Janet world.
Or the blank sheep, I guess.
Ooh, I can throw shade now! That's cool!
You've arrived at the Accounting office.
All point calculations for actions taken on Earth are made here.
- End of conversation. - My name is Michael.
I need to speak with the Head Accountant, on official Good Place business.
I will inform the Head Accountant of your presence
and he either will or will not see you in a certain amount of time.
End of conversation.
Wow.
Good thing your "void" plan worked out, huh?
JANET BURPS
DISTORTED ECHO
MUSIC: "Believe" by Cher ♪...believe in life after love? ♪
Oh...
having four humans in my void is weird.
Ah.
This is nuts.
We're in a void, in the body of a white lady...
- Not a lady. - Not a lady, darling.
But we are white!
Let's all say white people things!
"Billy Joel!"
"I found it on Etsy."
"There was nowhere to park!"
"Did you refill the Brita?"
I find this void quite calming, actually.
It's like, this time, the Xanax took me.
Oh, I have the worst stomach ache.
Dude, relax.
Here, let me see if I can figure this out...
- ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES - Oh!
Wow, Eleanor! How'd you do that?
I dunno. We're Janets now.
So, I thought we'd have some bitchin' Janet powers.
JANET CHIMES What just happened? What did you do?
Sorry, I'm just trying to help Chidi calm--
The structural integrity of this void is already at risk.
You can't start randomly conjuring up objects.
IN CUTESY VOICE: Or it might shatter the void!
Yes, it might!
It might make everything blow up and we'll all disappear forever!
Mwah!
So, stop it!
JANET CHIMES
Everything OK?
Nope!
- Well... - The Head Accountant has decided to see you.
This will happen now. End of conversation.
Hi.
Hey-oh!
Ha, there they are. Good to see you.
Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Neil, Head Accountant.
You must be Janet and Michael.
- Yes. - ACCOUNTANT CHUCKLES
Can I just say, I really depreciate you coming.
Eh? Little bit of Accounting humour.
- Ha! - Yeah.
- So, what can I do for you? - Well, I'm concerned about certain...
anomalies, in the points system.
I'm worried that somehow, the Bad Place has been tampering.
Tampering? No, no, no. Quite impossible.
Laughable, really.
Janet, can you remind me to laugh at that later?
Your amusement has been scheduled. End of conversation.
She's a lot of fun.
Could you just humour us though?
- Show us how the system works? - Uh...
well, I suppose I could give you a quick tour.
We don't get a lot of visitors. Follow me.
Eleanor! How'd you know I always wanted a dog like this?
Funny story, it's one of the things I saw in the alternate timeline
where we were soulmates on and off for 300 years.
- Maybe we should talk about that? - Well, I... suppose we can
but there's not that much to talk about.
The things you saw weren't part of my life, so they didn't happen to me.
The hell are you talking about, man? Of course it was you. I saw it.
Well, it was a Chidi, sure, but it wasn't me Chidi.
This is a classic philosophical question, the concept of "the self"
or "who we are"
philosophically speaking, there's the Chidi I am
who lived a certain life, and there's the Chidi you saw
your soulmate, or whatever, who had some entirely different life.
- Not the same Chidis. - ELEANOR-JANET SCOFFS
I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, I get it.
Counterpoint, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said
and you do not deserve a puppy! I'm un-blooping your puppy!
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
- ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES - PUPPIES YAP
Things are getting cuter and I want them to get less cute!
So, this is the main feed.
Every action, by every human on Earth
is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value
based on the absolute moral worth of that action.
For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan just decided to have a destination wedding.
Negative 1,200 points.
Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding.
Negative 4,300.
The theme's Lord of the Rings. They're basically doomed.
- COMPUTER BEEPS - Ah! Here's fun.
This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before.
Richard Moore of Sugarland Texas, hollowed out an eggplant
and filled it with hot sauce and nickels.
And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing!
99% percent of all new human behaviours are weird sex things
but not in this... oh, no it is a weird sex thing.
Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments.
In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department
we've got Hector over in American Coins
and my dear buddy Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed
for immediate suicide?
Request denied.
I love Matty! He's hilarious.
So, they now examine the action, its use of resources
the intentions behind it
- its effects on others... - Correct, and you end up with this.
And here is why tampering is impossible.
Because this score is then double-checked by three billion other accountants
all chosen at random
and if they all come to the same conclusion, which they always do
it makes this official.
Anyone who does this same action in the exact same way
loses this many points.
When people die, their biographical history and final point totals
are sent to the relevant destination.
This batch is going to the Bad Place.
- BUTTON BUZZES - Thank you, Doris.
The system is flawless and tampering is quite impossible.
I see. Could we look at one specific file, though, just to make sure?
Oh... Who do you wanna see? Genghis Khan?
Marie Antoinette?
Walt Disney's got some freaky stuff in his file.
Doug Forcett.
I don't get this, man.
Why wouldn't you want to know what our life was like?
You're not even a little bit curious what it was like to hit this?
I don't mean this this.
Although, frankly, I would also hit this this.
I don't want to see those memories because, philosophically speaking
they're none of my business.
They happened to someone else. Let me explain.
CHIDI-JANET CHIMES Take a seat.
Conceptions of the self!
Let's start with John Locke, who believed that personal identity was based on
having a continued consciousness: essentially, memory.
Memories are links in a chain that together form a single self.
If I can't remember what happened
because it happened to a Chidi from another timeline
it's not a unified "me."
Just because you don't remember doing something doesn't mean you didn't do it.
I have no idea how it happened
but there is definitely a tattoo on my butt that says "Jasom."
- That brings us to Derek Parfit. - It does?
Parfit said, even if I have memories from an earlier time
that doesn't necessarily mean it was "me".
After all, if my brain was split in two and each half was put in a different person
which one is "me"?
All I know is that other Chidi doesn't exist anymore
and this one does, so this must be the real Chidi.
And all I know is that you're just barfing Wikipedia all over everyone
to avoid talking about your feelings.
Let's talk about David Hume!
ACCOUNTANT HUMS
Here we go. The Book of Dougs.
Let's have a look...
Doug Forbush... Forcap...
Doug L. Forcett!
Hey-hey, no peeking. Accountants only.
Can you just tell me his total so far?
Looks like he's at... 520,000 points.
- Well done, Doug. - So that's... that's good?
Oh, it's excellent.
Wait, he's 68 years old?
Oh, that's terrible. He's screwed.
I knew it!
Doug has spent his entire life being nothing but good.
He once found a dollar on the ground and he sent it to the Canadian government
to help pay down their national debt, and he isn't even close to getting in?
- How can that be? - Look, mate, the points are indisputable.
They have been since the beginning.
MICHAEL: "Og gives his rock to Grog."
First ever act of human altruism. Og earned 10,000 points that day.
Of course, then Grog used that rock to beat Og's brains in
and lost a million points.
Point is the math is cold, objective, and airtight
and unless you can prove otherwise, I don't know how I can help you.
I just got 700 new "Weird Sex Thing" files in the last one second.
Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started.
- Buckle up, Matty! It's gonna be a long week. - No...
So, in essence, Hume thought that we don't truly have a "self"
we're just a bundle of our ever-changing impressions.
Just admit it, man. You're embarrassed you fell in love with an Arizona trash-bag.
Eleanor, it's not personal.
Someone fell in love with you, it's just not "me".
JANET CHIMES I told you not to conjure anything!
Sorry, I... I... I just swapped the living room for a classroom.
Not you, him.
- Jason, what is wrong with you? - Sorry, Janet!
I didn't mean to conjure Pillboi.
I was just thinking about how much fun we used to have hanging out
in his broken hot tub and then he showed up!
Yeah, I was just chillin,' being nothing, and then all of a sudden
- I "was"! - Oh!
Goodbye, Pillboi.
Aw, dip!
VOICE ECHOES: I'm "not" again!
JANET CHIMES Oh...
You need to hurry. My molecular essence is fragmenting
and it's giving me the worst headache.
OK, here's a question. If Doug Forcett's not getting in, who is?
Let's look at one more file, someone who's gotten into the Good Place this year.
Alright. Why don't we look at...
No one. No one got in.
No one's gotten in for a year?
- Correct. - How about the last three years?
Alright, uh...
Beep, boop...
Uh, no one.
When was the last time someone got in?
- KEYBOARD CLATTERS - The last time someone got enough points
to get into the Good Place was...
521 years ago.
Michael... um...
Yo, homie.
You and Eleanor were fighting before and I couldn't help but overhear.
Hey.
If we hear with our ears, why's it called "butt overhearing?"
Bro, if you don't like her, you should just tell her.
It's not about whether I "like" Eleanor.
I got into philosophy to try to make sense of a world that almost never makes sense
and that was before I learned that I died
and then un-died and then re-died...
I just can't take one more thing. It's too much.
I'm gonna tell you a story.
Back in Jacksonville, there was this guy in my 80-person dance crew
named Stank Toby.
Hang on. It was a 60-person dance crew.
Um...
Oh, dip!
What are numbers?
You're not Jason-Janet!
You're Eleanor-Janet pretending to be Jason-Janet!
That is so wrong and so confusing!
What was I supposed to do, man? You wouldn't talk to me!
This seemed like the only option.
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor!
- I'm Arizona shrimp horny! - That's not what I sound like, Jason.
- Get out of here. - Oh, dip.
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES Look, you know what?
Just forget it.
What am I even doing? I-I'm chasing a dude who isn't into me
I'm making myself vulnerable for no reason.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES
Uh-oh.
- This is new. - I'm so annoyed at myself!
God... Stupid Eleanor!
Stupid!
This whole thing sucks, you know?
Eleanor... you... you're not...
The one thing I never wanted to do, ever, for any reason
was to follow some guy around like a lame puppy dog.
- I mean, look at me, I don't need to do that! - DISTANT CRACKING
I can get any guy I want!
Eleanor, just... hang on...
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES What, dude? What?
- What do you want? - JANET CHIMES
What is going on?
- ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES - OK.
Well...
- This is bad. - Why are you staring at me?
Do I have a zit on my nose or something?
Your sense of self is crumbling, and it's taking the void down with it.
ELEANOR-JANET CHIMES Great, so...
I don't feel like myself for two seconds and it breaks the universe?
How come nothing went wrong when Chidi freaked out about his identity
for three hours?
Because freaking out about everything is my identity.
Not to brag.
I need you to hold it together.
Try to do something Eleanor-y.
Laugh at someone who falls down, or show up to an event underdressed
and get mad at everyone else somehow. I'll be right back.
- JANET CHIMES - DISTANT CRACK
I know I asked you this before, but...
No, darling, this is not where the Mac and PC guys live.
Whoa! Check out this dope flat screen.
It's air-mounted!
Do you see this, Tahani?
TAHANI-JANET: This must be where Janet stores all her information.
This screen can literally show us anything that has ever happened!
- Cartoons! Cartoons! - JANET CHIMES
I think it's broken.
TV, play cartoons for Jason!
- BOY BAND MUSIC PLAYS - TAHANI-JANET: Oh, my.
Janet has a crush on you.
I'm sorry. It's not just a crush.
I think in one of the reboots, you and Janet were... married.
JASON-JANET: Whoa! Married?
Oh...
this flat screen must have been a wedding present.
It's all starting to make sense now.
Well, I've gotta run. We're having a little "thing" in the breakroom
for Marisol's birthday.
She's turning 39 million, again.
So, if there's nothing else...
"If there's nothing else?" Neil, be logical.
Not one Good Place resident in over 500 years?
Not Jonas Salk, not Harriet Tubman?
Not one single Golden Girl?
The Bad Place has hacked your system!
No, it hasn't. How dare you!
Frankly, I'm beginning to resent your tone, sir.
If you've got a problem, then go to the Good Place
take it up with the Committee. Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to get to the breakroom because there's cake over there
and if I don't move quickly, Erika will get the last corner piece!
Good day, sir.
MICHAEL: Oh, no, no, no. This can't be happening.
No, he was supposed to tell us what to do! If he's not gonna fix this, who is?
You, Michael.
It has to be you.
We keep wandering around these different realms, expecting someone else
to have the answer, but no one ever does.
You're the guy, Michael.
You're the only one who can fix whatever's wrong with the afterlife.
But before we get into that, Eleanor's identity is shattering
inside of my void, and I might blow up
so I'm gonna need you to grab a paperclip and marbleise me, like, yesterday.
- What's gonna happen to the humans? - No idea
but I can't take them out of my void in the middle of this office
and if we do nothing, everyone's gone-zo!
Marbleise me, get us somewhere safe, and bring me back.
Right. Paperclip! I need a papercli... Hey, Matt!
Do you have a paperclip?
What are you gonna use it for?
- Chidi? I'm scared. - I know.
What am I supposed to be doing right now? I don't remember.
I'm having a hard time... remembering...
Right.
Memories. You need to remember who you are.
You're Eleanor Shellstrop, from Phoenix, Arizona.
Your favourite meal is shrimp scampi.
You listed your emergency contact as Britney Spears
as a longshot way of meeting her
and your favourite movie is that clip of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem".
You flew halfway around the world because you wanted to be a better person
and it was very brave.
You're sharp and you're strong.
You make fun of me a lot, you once called me a "human snooze button"
but you also showed up in my classroom when I was drowning in despair
and canned chili, and you basically saved my life.
You have very high self-esteem and a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals
and your worst nightmare is someone saying something nice about you
to your face, but too bad, because I need to say it
because you deserve it.
Because...
- Because... - Chidi!
SHE GASPS
SHE LAUGHS
Nice work, bud.
Did you mean everything you said, or...
did you just say it because the world was ending?
I really wanna play this cool, but I'm afraid that I'm gonna ruin it
if I try to be sexy.
I already ruined it, um...
saying the word "sexy" is not sexy...
- Wait! - Oh, Jesus!
I'm OK.
- You're sure? - Yes. I'm OK.
Wait... uh-oh... ooh.
- What? - They're not Janets anymore, they're...
them, and they're not sitting well.
Incoming.
They're all here, and they're safe!
SIREN WAILS
From the old scary thing.
Now there's a new scary thing.
Hi, guys! I'm Neil. Welcome to Accounting.
Now, uh... it does seem that four of you are interdimensional fugitives
so I did go ahead and hit the alarm. Sorry about that.
But, uh, there is some good news.
- There's some cake left. - Yes!
- Michael, what are we going to do? - Guys, I'm so sorry.
- The Accountant was no help. - Rude.
No one's gotten into the Good Place in 500 years.
We have no plan. No one's coming to save us.
SIREN WAILS
So...
I'm gonna do it.
- Follow me! - CROWD GASPS
The corner piece! No!
You can't take the Book of Dougs. Accountants only!
I need one of you to volunteer to do something outrageously insane
that will either make you cease to exist or be really fun.
- That's most of the things I've tried! - That's my guy! Come on, come here.
Get in the tube!
Oh, hell yeah! I love gettin' in stuff!
BUTTON CHIMES
SIREN WAILS
No way to know what happened to him, so come on, let's go.
Everyone else, come up.
There you go.
BUTTON CHIMES
DISTANT YELL
DISTANT CLATTER AND SHOUTS
MICHAEL: Ow!
JASON GASPS
That was awesome!
Awesome! I want to go again!
Where are we?
We're in the Good Place.
No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the last 300 years
so seriously, where the fork are we?
Fork.
Shirt.
Ash-hole.
SHE GASPS
Holy forking shirtballs...
we're in the Good Place!