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ALARM BUZZES

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BIRDS SING

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HE SIGHS

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MUSIC: "Don't Let The Good Life Pass You By"
by Mama Cass Elliot

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<i>♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la... ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Did you ever lie
and listen to the rainfall ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Did you ever own a homemade apple pie? ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Did you ever watch a child
while he was praying? ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Just don't let the
good life pass you by ♪</i>

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<i>- ♪ Did you ever hold a hand ♪</i>
- KNOCK ON DOOR

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<i>- ♪ To stop its trem-- ♪</i>
- MUSIC STOPS

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- Hello!
- Hello.

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Hope we have the right house.
I'm looking for a Doug Forcett?

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I'm Doug Forcett.

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Wow! Oh, yes... yes, you are.

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Sorry, um...

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I'm a reporter
for the Calgary Times Examiner.

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- Oh.
- My name is, uh, Michael Scoop.

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- Mm-hm?
- This is my photographer, Janet... Scoop.

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- She's my sister. We're the Scoops.
- Oh, boy.

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Some... some people in town are saying
you live a pretty interesting life out here

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growing your own food,
completely off the grid...

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- Mm.
- We would love to do

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a human-interest story about you
for the paper.

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What do you say?

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O-OK, let me think...

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Well, first off, I'm so flattered
that you'd want to do a whole news story

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just about me, that's so nice!
DOUG CHUCKLES

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Heartfelt thanks to the whole Scoop family.

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Can I ask, is your newspaper printed
on recycled paper?

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Yes. Yeah, no, very recycled. The most.

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Alright then, come on in!

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Great! Great. Uh, hey, you know,
before we forget

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can Janet take a photo
of you for the paper?

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Oh...
DOUG CHUCKLES

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OK, can you look up a little,
and to the right?

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Smile, but only with your mouth
and not your eyes?

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- Perfect.
- CAMERA CLICKS

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It was 1972.

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Uh, my friend Randy and I ate
some magic mushrooms.

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Randy asked me,
"What do you think happens when you die?"

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And I saw, with perfect clarity,
how the afterlife works.

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Immediately, I knew I had to live
a perfect life.

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Well, not immediately.

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The next day,
all I could do was watch kung fu movies

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and stroke a blanket
that I thought was my cat.

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But soon after, I designed a life

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that would maximize my point total
and help me get into the Good Place

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- and I've been living it ever since.
- Mm.

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- I know this sounds crazy.
- No! No, actually, it makes...

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- it makes perfect sense.
- Oh!

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DOUG CHUCKLES

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Oh, boy, you've been sitting here
for ten minutes

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and I haven't offered you anything
to eat or drink.

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- Oh...
- Would you like some water?

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Or fresh radishes?

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Water'd be great.

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HE LAUGHS
Janet! How cool is he?

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- JANET SIGHS
- You know, for a celebrity

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he's amazingly down-to-earth.
Stars, they really are just like us.

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He's so thoughtful with his actions.
Thank goodness he had that hallucination.

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He could've had the one Randy had,
where everything was made of ears.

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- Way less helpful.
- We have to learn everything we can

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about what makes him tick
so we can use it to help others.

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He is the blueprint, Janet.

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He figured it all out.

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Here we go - two waters.

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Let me know if you're not happy with them.

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I have ice cubes if it's too warm,
and a Koozie if it's too cold.

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DOUG CHUCKLES

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Oh...
Boy, that has an interesting aftertaste.

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Is that from a nearby river?

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Oh, no. Why take fresh water away
from the beavers and the fish?

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- Ah...
- No, I have my composting toilet

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hooked up to a water filtration system.

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One man's waste is another man's water.

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- MICHAEL: Mm.
- And both men are me!

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THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

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Hm, hm.

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I'm pretty excited to
relax and have a drink.

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I mean, saving souls feels great,
but Sydney to Budapest

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to Phoenix to Calgary...

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I'm so jet-lagged,
I can't even "regrender" my "chorf."

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Don't even know what I was trying to say.

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You need to get your blood flowing.
There's a pool table over there.

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- Wanna play?
- CHIDI: Yeah, sure, why not?

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Let's do it.

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Tahani, can I ask your advice
about something?

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Is it about your grating speaking voice?

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I'm so glad you finally brought it up,
because honestly

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- with a few elocution lessons...
- No, I want to ask you about Chidi.

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What's wrong with my voice?

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Nothing! It's lovely!

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Tell me about Chidi!

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So, it must get lonely up here
all by yourself without anyone to talk to?

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Oh, I've got lots of friends.
There's this little guy, for example.

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Yeah, it's a snail.

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Hi, snail! I don't name them

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in case they already
have a name they prefer.

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- Huh.
- So, this is an organic garden?

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Yeah. Everything I eat, I grow myself.

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The radish patch was actually here
when I moved in.

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I thought it'd be mean to dig it up.

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- Mean... to the radishes?
- Mm.

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I also grow lentils,
because they require very little water

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- and have the smallest carbon footprint.
- Huh.

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All he consumes are lentils and radishes.

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No, Janet. He also consumes...

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his own waste.

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So. Everything's fine.

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How do you play pool again?
What are the rules?

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That's one of the best things about pool,
dawg! There are no rules.

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I am 100% sure there are.

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Me and my friends play a special
Jacksonville style of pool.

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It's called
"Special Jacksonville-style pool."

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You hit whatever ball you want,
but you use your hands.

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And that's it.

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OK, your turn. I got a thousand points.

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Oh - that's the other rule.
You make up your own points.

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I got five million points.

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Damn! How'd you get so
good at this so fast?

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So, in this whole other timeline,
Chidi and I said "I love you" to each other.

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But he doesn't remember
any of that happened.

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So, I guess my question is

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when is the right time to tell someone
you were passionate lovers

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in an alternate timeline in the afterlife,
but he doesn't remember

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because technically none of that "happened"
in this strand of the multi-verse?

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- TAHANI SIGHS
- You know what?

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I'll just check with Yahoo answers,
I'm sure someone's weighed in.

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No, no.
I'm flattered you would seek my advice

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though I suppose it makes sense.

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I'm sure the one constant
in all the reboots

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was that you and I were best friends.

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Uh-huh. Yep. Mm-hm.

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Look, I don't think you would want
Chidi to know

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what happened in the past

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unless you wanted it to happen again
in the present.

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You can't know how Chidi will react.

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It may be painful, but it's never a
bad idea to tell someone how you feel.

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Thanks, Tahani.

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You give really good advice.

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And you made a really hot centaur.

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Sorry?

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So, these are some of my 71
adopted dogs and wolves.

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You've rescued every stray animal
that's ever wandered onto your property?

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Oh, yes, ma'am!
I've been mauled several times.

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Uh, this little guy here...
DOUG CHUCKLES

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might look innocent, but, boy,
he goes right for the squeaker

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- if you know what I mean.
- JANET LAUGHS POLITELY

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Oh, this is fun. You get to meet Raymond.
Hi, Raymond!

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Hi, dumdum.
Who are these two hosers?

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Don't worry about Raymond,
he's just a local sociopath

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who comes by my house
to take advantage of me.

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I've got your laundry all folded
and ready for you.

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For whatever reason, this loser
does whatever you tell him to do - watch.

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Hey, give that guy your shoe!

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Would that make you happy?

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- Very happy.
- Oh...

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- Now, give him your shoe.
- Oh, that's OK, Doug.

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Don't... I don't need your shoe.
Please don't give me your shoe.

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OK, well, then give me your shoe
or I'll be sad.

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There you are.

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RAYMOND LAUGHS

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DOUG:
Well, as long as he's happy.

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See, if I make him happy, I get the points.
That's how the system works, remember?

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RAYMOND:
Go get your shoe, idiot!

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DOUG CHUCKLES
Be right back.

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- TWIG SNAPS
- Ow.

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Oh, that's a bleeder.

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- JANET: Oh.
- DOUG: Yeah.

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00:08:06,049 --> 00:08:09,761
Michael, face facts. Doug is not
the "blueprint" of how to live a good life.

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He's become a happiness pump.

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What?

174
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Remember, from Chidi's lessons?

175
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I remember the term "happiness pump".

176
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That's just mostly because Eleanor and
Jason made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.

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It's a criticism of utilitarianism.

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A happiness pump is someone
who is obsessed with maximising

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the overall good, at his or her expense.

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Doug will do literally anything
to make other people happy

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even if it makes him miserable.

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Oh, I don't think he's miserable.

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So, everyone happy and contented in here?

184
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- What's--
- DOUG: Oh.

185
00:08:40,083 --> 00:08:42,836
I volunteer to test cosmetics
for a local company

186
00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:44,504
so they don't have to test on animals.

187
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- It's fun!
- JANET: Ah.

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00:08:45,714 --> 00:08:47,424
For the animals who don't have to do it.

189
00:08:47,716 --> 00:08:50,010
For me, it's like wearing a mask of fire!

190
00:08:50,302 --> 00:08:51,720
Uh, what can I do for you now?

191
00:08:52,012 --> 00:08:55,307
Would you like to move in permanently
or would either of you like any more water

192
00:08:55,390 --> 00:08:56,975
- or one of my kidneys?
- You know what?

193
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:58,727
We have absolutely everything we need.

194
00:08:58,810 --> 00:09:00,604
Thank you. Uh, we're gonna head out now.

195
00:09:00,687 --> 00:09:03,982
OK, well, it was so nice to meet
you, Janet, and you, Mark.

196
00:09:04,775 --> 00:09:06,109
- I mean, Michael.
- JANET: Huh.

197
00:09:06,693 --> 00:09:08,695
I called you Mark.
DOUG SIGHS

198
00:09:08,862 --> 00:09:10,781
- Your name is Michael.
- No, no, that's OK.

199
00:09:10,864 --> 00:09:12,449
Hey, hey, stay with me here, buddy.

200
00:09:12,532 --> 00:09:14,368
No, no, no, no, this is very bad.

201
00:09:14,618 --> 00:09:17,329
Forgetting someone's name,
that's definitely lost me some points.

202
00:09:17,412 --> 00:09:20,332
Hey, you know, I've always secretly wished
my name was Mark.

203
00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:21,958
Lie!
DOUG WINCES

204
00:09:22,042 --> 00:09:23,168
- That's a lie.
- Oh...

205
00:09:23,377 --> 00:09:25,837
Now I'm accusing you of lying!
And now I'm yelling.

206
00:09:25,921 --> 00:09:27,005
Why am I yelling?

207
00:09:27,172 --> 00:09:30,592
I need to make this up.
I'm gonna give you a really nice haircut!

208
00:09:31,259 --> 00:09:32,260
CRUNCH

209
00:09:32,886 --> 00:09:35,013
- Was that...?
- The snail? Yeah.

210
00:09:35,138 --> 00:09:36,598
- Yeah, that was a snai... ooh.
- SNAIL CRUNCHES

211
00:09:36,682 --> 00:09:38,809
DOUG:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

212
00:09:39,226 --> 00:09:40,352
I think he's still alive.

213
00:09:40,727 --> 00:09:43,647
Do either of you know anything
about snail first-aid?

214
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:45,232
- No.
- Yes. I mean "no."

215
00:09:45,357 --> 00:09:47,609
Alright, Michael,
I need you to find some scotch tape

216
00:09:47,776 --> 00:09:49,152
while I apply pressure.

217
00:09:49,778 --> 00:09:52,489
Too much pressure!
I'm gonna need that tape!

218
00:09:54,408 --> 00:09:55,701
Oh! What?

219
00:09:55,784 --> 00:09:59,746
Jacksonville style, baby!
30 million... points?

220
00:09:59,913 --> 00:10:00,914
Nice one, homie!

221
00:10:01,164 --> 00:10:02,624
Hey, what are you guys doing?

222
00:10:02,749 --> 00:10:06,128
Well, I either know exactly what I'm doing,
and it's something

223
00:10:06,294 --> 00:10:08,130
or we're doing nothing, and I'm winning!

224
00:10:08,463 --> 00:10:10,882
Congrats.
Um, can I talk to you for a second?

225
00:10:11,466 --> 00:10:13,593
OK, uh, a few days ago

226
00:10:14,678 --> 00:10:16,096
Michael showed me something.

227
00:10:16,847 --> 00:10:20,308
And I don't know exactly
how to say this, but...

228
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:22,728
you and I are...

229
00:10:22,894 --> 00:10:24,271
DOOR OPENS AND CHIMES

230
00:10:25,439 --> 00:10:26,356
Bambadjan?

231
00:10:29,025 --> 00:10:31,778
You know, I never thought about it before,
but yeah, we are kinda Bambadjan.

232
00:10:31,945 --> 00:10:33,613
No, you jet-lagged doof.

233
00:10:33,864 --> 00:10:37,409
Bambadjan is the name of a demon
from the Bad Place

234
00:10:37,492 --> 00:10:39,911
who is somehow right over there.

235
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:45,459
Come with me.

236
00:10:45,584 --> 00:10:46,793
- Right now.
- OK, OK.

237
00:10:47,169 --> 00:10:50,297
Hey, guys, having fun? Cool, cool, cool,
so we need to get out of here immediately

238
00:10:50,422 --> 00:10:51,840
because this bar is full of demons.

239
00:10:52,048 --> 00:10:54,092
Eleanor, just because these people
are wearing cheap leather

240
00:10:54,176 --> 00:10:56,094
and stonewashed denim,
they're still part of the Queen's realm.

241
00:10:56,178 --> 00:10:57,721
Calling them "demons" is a bit much.

242
00:10:57,804 --> 00:11:00,724
No, no, no, no, no, actual demons,
like, from the Bad Place.

243
00:11:00,932 --> 00:11:02,893
OK, Chidi and I
are gonna go out the side door.

244
00:11:02,976 --> 00:11:04,102
You and Tahani go out the back.

245
00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:06,521
- Or we do this the old-fashioned way.
- THEY CLAMOUR

246
00:11:06,563 --> 00:11:08,690
- How did you make that so fast?
- Bortle--

247
00:11:11,026 --> 00:11:12,903
JASON, MUFFLED:
Mm... Mm...

248
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,532
Hello, idiots. Surprised to see me?

249
00:11:19,284 --> 00:11:21,203
SHAWN SIGHS
Right, you don't remember.

250
00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:24,122
I'm Shawn. You are very scared of me.

251
00:11:24,664 --> 00:11:26,666
Now, where's Michael?

252
00:11:27,793 --> 00:11:29,169
DOUG:
We are here to celebrate the life

253
00:11:29,252 --> 00:11:32,088
of Martin Luther Gandhi Tyler Moore,
the snail.

254
00:11:32,422 --> 00:11:37,302
I named him-her that posthumously,
because I imagine him-her

255
00:11:37,385 --> 00:11:41,681
to be the greatest and most talented snail
ever to have lived.

256
00:11:44,518 --> 00:11:46,394
Michael, would you care to say a few words?

257
00:11:46,645 --> 00:11:48,063
MICHAEL CHUCKLES

258
00:11:48,772 --> 00:11:50,982
Oh, you're serious. Yes, um, OK.

259
00:11:51,691 --> 00:11:54,110
Martin was a lot of things...

260
00:11:54,945 --> 00:11:56,446
a snail, mostly

261
00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:58,031
but also a friend.

262
00:11:59,157 --> 00:12:02,869
Martin taught us about life, about love

263
00:12:03,662 --> 00:12:07,541
and about... the limits of scotch tape.

264
00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:11,878
Goodbye, Martin.
Happy, slimy trails, old friend.

265
00:12:13,505 --> 00:12:15,298
I'm sorry, I've got to leave right away.

266
00:12:15,423 --> 00:12:19,845
I've decided to make a donation
to the Canadian Mollusc Association

267
00:12:20,095 --> 00:12:21,346
in Martin's honour.

268
00:12:21,638 --> 00:12:24,224
Their office is in Edmonton,
so it will take me...

269
00:12:24,724 --> 00:12:27,018
about three weeks
to walk there and back.

270
00:12:27,477 --> 00:12:28,645
So, take care.

271
00:12:28,854 --> 00:12:30,230
OK, look out, little fellas.

272
00:12:30,647 --> 00:12:31,731
Heads up.
DOUG CHUCKLES

273
00:12:32,357 --> 00:12:34,276
- Here comes a shoe.
- Say, Doug... look.

274
00:12:34,401 --> 00:12:36,903
Do you mind if we ask you
just a few more questions?

275
00:12:38,196 --> 00:12:40,365
What you're doing here,
how you're living your life

276
00:12:40,991 --> 00:12:42,284
- it's just so wonderful.
- Mm.

277
00:12:42,576 --> 00:12:44,452
But can I maybe give you
just a little advice?

278
00:12:44,536 --> 00:12:46,580
I know I should donate more blood.

279
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,542
I'll try, but the last time I went
down there they said I was so anaemic

280
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:52,127
they ended up giving me blood.

281
00:12:52,210 --> 00:12:53,712
No, look, look. Um...

282
00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:59,426
I've been a reporter for a long time, Doug.
Met all sorts of people.

283
00:12:59,926 --> 00:13:06,266
Travelled all over this crazy blue marble,
meetin' regular folks.

284
00:13:06,892 --> 00:13:09,686
Every face tells a story, Doug.

285
00:13:10,312 --> 00:13:14,441
Why, I'd say that those so-called
"regular" folks often turn out to be

286
00:13:14,524 --> 00:13:16,151
not so regular after all.

287
00:13:16,318 --> 00:13:17,485
- Michael.
- Sorry.

288
00:13:17,569 --> 00:13:21,489
The point is,
I have never met anyone so dedicated

289
00:13:21,573 --> 00:13:25,410
to making other people and...
and snails, happy.

290
00:13:25,493 --> 00:13:27,537
- Huh!
- If what you're saying is true

291
00:13:27,621 --> 00:13:31,958
about the afterlife, then you must've
earned more than enough points by now.

292
00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:34,461
So, loosen up, bud, you know?

293
00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:37,881
Have a little fun.
Eat something besides lentils!

294
00:13:38,131 --> 00:13:40,467
- Like radishes?
- No, no, Doug, damn it.

295
00:13:40,675 --> 00:13:43,720
You know, just have ice cream,
or chicken parm...

296
00:13:43,887 --> 00:13:45,305
Live your life, you know.

297
00:13:45,388 --> 00:13:49,184
Travel. Drink regular water
that wasn't inside you.

298
00:13:49,643 --> 00:13:51,645
OK, just relax.

299
00:13:52,771 --> 00:13:54,689
- Thank you, Michael.
- Mm.

300
00:13:54,898 --> 00:13:57,817
But, no, I can't do any of those things.

301
00:13:58,777 --> 00:14:00,654
- Why not?
- Because I can't risk it.

302
00:14:01,863 --> 00:14:07,160
There's an Accountant, out there somewhere,
measuring the value of everything I do.

303
00:14:07,744 --> 00:14:12,415
What if I "relax," and do something
that loses me just enough points

304
00:14:12,499 --> 00:14:16,294
to keep me out of the Good Place,
and I'm tortured for eternity?

305
00:14:17,253 --> 00:14:19,631
No, I... I have to make every moment count.

306
00:14:19,756 --> 00:14:22,050
It's the only rational way to live.

307
00:14:23,093 --> 00:14:25,595
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to walk to Edmonton

308
00:14:25,679 --> 00:14:28,473
to give $85 to a snail charity.

309
00:14:30,976 --> 00:14:33,395
Why don't you just take us
to the Bad Place already, dude?

310
00:14:33,603 --> 00:14:36,147
Because I wanna see the look on Michael's
face when he realises he failed.

311
00:14:36,398 --> 00:14:38,316
I love seeing the look on people's faces.

312
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:39,776
It's the best part of my job.

313
00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:42,195
ELEANOR:
Dude, Michael's not coming here.

314
00:14:42,570 --> 00:14:44,531
Face it, man, you are outmatched

315
00:14:44,906 --> 00:14:47,033
because Michael and Janet are brilliant

316
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,662
and savvy, and they've been ten steps
ahead of you this whole time.

317
00:14:51,162 --> 00:14:52,664
We can sit here as long as you want

318
00:14:53,206 --> 00:14:56,251
but you will never, ever, ever...

319
00:14:56,376 --> 00:14:58,920
see Michael or Janet agai--

320
00:14:58,962 --> 00:15:01,464
- DOOR BELL CHIMES
- Yikes, that was rough! Total bust.

321
00:15:01,548 --> 00:15:04,592
Ugh! Doug is a complete disaster.

322
00:15:04,718 --> 00:15:06,428
And I drank his piss.

323
00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:08,847
Hello, Michael.

324
00:15:10,974 --> 00:15:12,892
See? See the look on his face?

325
00:15:13,309 --> 00:15:14,269
So great.

326
00:15:17,397 --> 00:15:21,109
Hello, Shawn. Other demons.
What are you all doing down here?

327
00:15:21,234 --> 00:15:22,986
What do you think we're doing,
you haemorrhoid?

328
00:15:23,153 --> 00:15:24,988
We're ending this
charade, once and for all.

329
00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:27,866
These four humans are the legal property
of the Bad Place.

330
00:15:27,991 --> 00:15:28,950
That's where we're taking them.

331
00:15:30,827 --> 00:15:31,828
And you.

332
00:15:32,203 --> 00:15:34,497
If you want them,
you're gonna have to go through me.

333
00:15:34,706 --> 00:15:35,832
That's the idea.

334
00:15:35,957 --> 00:15:37,751
Well, it's a bad idea.

335
00:15:37,959 --> 00:15:40,128
Oh, Michael. When will you ever learn...

336
00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,463
Screw this! Let's fight!

337
00:15:41,671 --> 00:15:42,922
- THEY GASP
- JANET GRUNTS

338
00:15:46,217 --> 00:15:47,427
Get somewhere safe, you guys!

339
00:15:48,511 --> 00:15:49,721
- SHAWN CHOKES
- Bad news!

340
00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:52,140
I've been going to the gym a lot!

341
00:15:52,766 --> 00:15:53,683
- Oh, no!
- Chidi!

342
00:15:54,267 --> 00:15:56,603
- THEY YELL
- What is happening?

343
00:15:56,978 --> 00:15:58,229
CHIDI:
I don't know!

344
00:15:58,521 --> 00:16:00,273
No! Let him go!

345
00:16:00,565 --> 00:16:01,691
THEY GRUNT

346
00:16:01,983 --> 00:16:03,359
- VICKY YELLS
- Oh!

347
00:16:03,818 --> 00:16:05,403
THEY GRUNT

348
00:16:05,987 --> 00:16:06,905
Let him go!

349
00:16:07,405 --> 00:16:09,157
Twelve years of fencing. <i>En garde!</i>

350
00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:14,537
Obviously,
I'd never do that in a competition.

351
00:16:14,621 --> 00:16:16,998
That'd be a three-tenths deduction!
SHE SIGHS

352
00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:20,126
No, no! Watch out! Watch out!

353
00:16:28,009 --> 00:16:30,303
- I've never marbleised a Janet before!
- JANET GROANS

354
00:16:32,472 --> 00:16:34,849
Jacksonville Style, baby! 2,000 points!

355
00:16:35,183 --> 00:16:36,059
Thanks, Jason.

356
00:16:36,392 --> 00:16:37,811
THEY YELL

357
00:16:38,603 --> 00:16:39,813
Janet! Door!

358
00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:42,023
VAL YELLS

359
00:16:42,273 --> 00:16:43,399
SCREAM ECHOES

360
00:16:44,859 --> 00:16:46,611
THEY GRUNT

361
00:16:49,030 --> 00:16:50,323
Ha!
SHE GRUNTS

362
00:16:58,623 --> 00:16:59,999
- Yes!
- THEY GRUNT

363
00:17:05,171 --> 00:17:06,339
- Ha-ha!
- THEY GRUNT

364
00:17:07,173 --> 00:17:08,842
Three hundred points! Best score ever!

365
00:17:11,344 --> 00:17:12,554
DEMON SCREAMS

366
00:17:13,638 --> 00:17:15,890
Is it just me or is Janet
a straight-up hottie right now?

367
00:17:16,099 --> 00:17:18,226
How are you this close to being
dragged to hell

368
00:17:18,309 --> 00:17:19,811
- and still horny?
- I don't know.

369
00:17:19,894 --> 00:17:22,021
- GLASS SHATTERS
- And how did you know they were demons?

370
00:17:22,939 --> 00:17:24,399
Ugh, I can't tell you that now!

371
00:17:24,858 --> 00:17:27,735
Screw it, what am I waiting for?
We could die in the next 30 seconds.

372
00:17:28,278 --> 00:17:31,573
So, Michael showed me a memory
of our time in the Good Place

373
00:17:32,198 --> 00:17:35,535
and you and I were, like... a thing...

374
00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:36,911
- and...
- Ha! Gotcha!

375
00:17:37,036 --> 00:17:37,954
VICKY GRUNTS

376
00:17:38,037 --> 00:17:39,289
Not like a casual

377
00:17:39,372 --> 00:17:41,332
"Hey, I found two loose pills
in the bottom of my tote

378
00:17:41,416 --> 00:17:43,126
let's pop 'em and see what's good"
kinda thing.

379
00:17:43,209 --> 00:17:44,794
We were in love.

380
00:17:45,253 --> 00:17:48,882
And there's a real possibility that
I'm in love with you, again

381
00:17:49,591 --> 00:17:51,926
here, on this plane of existence

382
00:17:52,051 --> 00:17:54,721
uh, today, now... in Canada...

383
00:17:55,305 --> 00:17:57,682
during this brawl... with demons.

384
00:18:00,435 --> 00:18:01,519
- JANET GRUNTS
- Whoa!

385
00:18:01,895 --> 00:18:02,854
BAMBADJAN:
Let's get her to the door!

386
00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:07,150
No, no!

387
00:18:09,152 --> 00:18:10,236
Oh, cool...

388
00:18:10,403 --> 00:18:13,656
when I'm even partway through the door
to the afterlife, my powers come back!

389
00:18:13,698 --> 00:18:14,574
They do?

390
00:18:15,658 --> 00:18:16,701
JANET YELLS

391
00:18:18,786 --> 00:18:20,079
They do. Thanks for asking!

392
00:18:21,122 --> 00:18:22,624
- JANET GRUNTS
- BAMBADJAN SCREAMS

393
00:18:25,084 --> 00:18:26,502
- THEY GASP
- You're coming with me!

394
00:18:28,296 --> 00:18:29,297
Hi there.

395
00:18:29,839 --> 00:18:30,965
JANET SCREAMS

396
00:18:32,175 --> 00:18:33,051
ELEANOR GASPS

397
00:18:43,519 --> 00:18:44,896
MICHAEL LAUGHS
We did it!

398
00:18:45,313 --> 00:18:47,523
- Oh... um...
- Well, no, no, no, of course.

399
00:18:47,649 --> 00:18:50,151
Of course, Janet did it, yes.
But I had the, uh...

400
00:18:51,903 --> 00:18:52,946
Thank you, Janet.

401
00:18:56,574 --> 00:18:57,742
How did you get down here?

402
00:18:57,951 --> 00:19:00,161
We have the only key to the door to Earth.

403
00:19:00,328 --> 00:19:02,789
- We built our own door.
- That's impossible.

404
00:19:02,997 --> 00:19:05,750
"That's impossible, eh!"
Ugh, you're such a dweeb.

405
00:19:05,875 --> 00:19:07,377
Why can't you leave us alone?

406
00:19:07,460 --> 00:19:10,088
You don't have enough nostrils
to stuff with wasps?

407
00:19:10,171 --> 00:19:13,925
I don't want just any wasp-nostrils.
I want these wasp-nostrils.

408
00:19:14,509 --> 00:19:16,052
You're just delaying the
inevitable, Michael.

409
00:19:16,386 --> 00:19:18,680
The Bad Place
is going to get all of them eventually.

410
00:19:18,972 --> 00:19:21,015
These four, their loved ones

411
00:19:21,266 --> 00:19:23,685
even your precious
pee-pee king Doug Forcett.

412
00:19:24,269 --> 00:19:25,603
Now, why would you think that?

413
00:19:25,812 --> 00:19:26,938
Just a hunch.

414
00:19:27,313 --> 00:19:29,816
And do you want to know
what else I had a hunch about?

415
00:19:29,899 --> 00:19:31,234
- No.
- PORTAL WHIRS

416
00:19:33,486 --> 00:19:36,364
I mean, why let the guy
keep saying mean stuff, right?

417
00:19:36,447 --> 00:19:39,867
I thought Doug Forcett was the "blueprint"
for leading a good life?

418
00:19:39,951 --> 00:19:43,121
He seems pretty confident that Doug
is heading to the Bad Place.

419
00:19:45,331 --> 00:19:48,876
For a while now, I have felt like
there was something wrong

420
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,796
with how the points system
was evaluating humans.

421
00:19:52,046 --> 00:19:54,882
At first, I thought it was that
the system didn't allow

422
00:19:54,966 --> 00:19:57,135
for the possibility that people
could improve.

423
00:19:57,218 --> 00:20:00,638
That's why I convinced the Judge
to send you back to Earth

424
00:20:00,722 --> 00:20:02,724
so you could confront the ways
you were living.

425
00:20:03,057 --> 00:20:08,563
But now, I'm worried that the problems
with the system might be much more serious.

426
00:20:09,188 --> 00:20:12,066
We need to gather some real evidence.

427
00:20:12,233 --> 00:20:15,445
Uh, sorry, no, no, uh...
Michael, you're confused.

428
00:20:15,737 --> 00:20:18,156
Evidence isn't a good thing that you want.

429
00:20:18,239 --> 00:20:23,619
It's a bad thing that you have to destroy,
or you go to jail.

430
00:20:23,870 --> 00:20:27,373
Jason, quick. I-I need that coaster
over there behind the pillar.

431
00:20:27,623 --> 00:20:28,708
You got it, boss!

432
00:20:29,917 --> 00:20:32,045
I... I just needed a... a 30-second break.

433
00:20:32,170 --> 00:20:33,046
ALL:
Yeah.

434
00:20:33,212 --> 00:20:35,006
What sort of evidence is this
and how do we get it?

435
00:20:35,089 --> 00:20:37,425
Janet and I have to go right to the source

436
00:20:37,508 --> 00:20:39,761
of the points themselves,
the Accountant's office.

437
00:20:40,011 --> 00:20:43,389
Four of you, stay here at Doug Forcett's
house until I get back.

438
00:20:43,848 --> 00:20:46,476
You're gonna need to feed all the dogs
and the wolves

439
00:20:46,809 --> 00:20:49,395
and if a teenager shows up on a dirt-bike

440
00:20:49,479 --> 00:20:51,564
just do as he says, he's very scary.

441
00:20:51,731 --> 00:20:52,940
Michael, Michael, Michael!

442
00:20:53,316 --> 00:20:55,610
HE PANTS
I forgot what you asked me to get.

443
00:20:55,818 --> 00:20:57,445
That's OK, bud. Thanks anyway.

444
00:20:58,071 --> 00:20:59,155
Look, we won't be long

445
00:20:59,238 --> 00:21:01,366
- and you guys should be safe here.
- DOOR BELL JINGLES

446
00:21:01,407 --> 00:21:02,408
Actually, scratch that.

447
00:21:03,076 --> 00:21:05,328
We're all screwed because
a bunch more demons just showed up.

448
00:21:05,411 --> 00:21:06,913
- TAHANI: Oh!
- ELEANOR: There's too many of 'em.

449
00:21:06,996 --> 00:21:08,706
- What do we do?
- I have an idea.

450
00:21:09,332 --> 00:21:11,250
I think I can take you into my void.

451
00:21:11,417 --> 00:21:12,835
Cool, that sounds fun,
let's go into a void!

452
00:21:12,919 --> 00:21:14,504
- OK, let's go.
- PORTAL WHIRS

453
00:21:15,171 --> 00:21:17,715
But just to be clear,
I don't know if you'll survive in my void

454
00:21:17,799 --> 00:21:20,718
but either way, all of you will
definitely die on Earth when I do this

455
00:21:20,802 --> 00:21:21,844
so look around and say goodbye!

456
00:21:22,053 --> 00:21:24,263
Goodbye, Earth!
Wait, did you just say we're gonna di--

457
00:21:24,347 --> 00:21:25,473
JANET CHIMES