1
00:00:05,111 --> 00:00:08,280
So my mum is alive and she lives here.

2
00:00:08,739 --> 00:00:10,491
Why didn't you tell me sooner, man?

3
00:00:10,616 --> 00:00:15,704
I'd already told you that you died,
and that I had tortured you for centuries

4
00:00:15,830 --> 00:00:18,165
and that you're doomed
to be tortured again...

5
00:00:18,290 --> 00:00:20,668
I just didn't want to be, like, a bummer.

6
00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:25,297
But now you know everything important
about your life, I promise.

7
00:00:25,631 --> 00:00:28,425
A police officer came to my home

8
00:00:28,509 --> 00:00:31,679
and told me that my mum had been
accidentally trampled to death

9
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:35,057
when she bent down to adjust her toe ring
at a Rascal Flatts concert.

10
00:00:35,141 --> 00:00:37,309
That police officer was an actor.

11
00:00:37,393 --> 00:00:40,646
See, about a month before,
your mum had gotten drunk

12
00:00:40,980 --> 00:00:44,650
wandered into a charity auction,
and bid $30,000

13
00:00:44,692 --> 00:00:46,193
for a date with Gene Simmons

14
00:00:46,652 --> 00:00:50,531
outbidding everyone
else by $29,800 dollars.

15
00:00:50,614 --> 00:00:54,118
She didn't want to pay,
so she faked her death

16
00:00:54,201 --> 00:00:57,496
moved to Nevada, and reinvented herself
as Diana Tremaine.

17
00:00:57,955 --> 00:01:00,958
Diana Tremaine is <i>my</i> fake ID name!
SHE GASPS

18
00:01:01,292 --> 00:01:03,836
How dare she steal the identity I stole!

19
00:01:04,044 --> 00:01:07,214
Look, I know this is a lot to take in,
but we're here to help your mum

20
00:01:07,256 --> 00:01:09,216
get into the Good Place.

21
00:01:09,258 --> 00:01:12,803
Whatever you're feeling, remember,
this is not about you.

22
00:01:13,262 --> 00:01:14,847
- Right.
- KNOCK ON DOOR

23
00:01:15,264 --> 00:01:17,224
How could you do this to me?

24
00:01:24,315 --> 00:01:26,483
Yay! You found me!

25
00:01:26,609 --> 00:01:27,943
What the hell, Mum?

26
00:01:28,027 --> 00:01:32,531
OK, baby, I can explain everything.
Let's all just take a breath.

27
00:01:32,698 --> 00:01:37,578
You haven't even introduced me
to this stretched-out, sexy Alex Trebek.

28
00:01:37,703 --> 00:01:39,622
I'm Michael. It's nice to meet you, Donna.

29
00:01:39,705 --> 00:01:42,541
Oh, uh, it's Diana now, for...

30
00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:44,418
You know, police reasons.

31
00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:47,671
- By the way, whose McMansion is this?
- My boyfriend Dave's.

32
00:01:47,796 --> 00:01:50,257
He's kind of a dork, but real sweet.

33
00:01:50,466 --> 00:01:56,013
And so fancy - his napkins are made out of,
like, shirt material.

34
00:01:56,096 --> 00:01:57,014
Cloth.

35
00:01:57,598 --> 00:02:00,893
OK. Now this is making sense.

36
00:02:01,185 --> 00:02:05,481
You change your name, bag a rich loser
with a tacky house. I get it.

37
00:02:06,023 --> 00:02:07,566
- You're running a scam.
- No, baby.

38
00:02:07,608 --> 00:02:11,237
This is as real as the nails
under my acrylic nails.

39
00:02:11,570 --> 00:02:13,614
- I'm a different person!
- Spare me.

40
00:02:13,781 --> 00:02:16,533
You will always be sun-baked Arizona trash

41
00:02:16,617 --> 00:02:19,870
and I know that because I grew up
baking right beside you!

42
00:02:19,954 --> 00:02:22,164
- KEYS JINGLE
- Oh, jeez! I didn't know we had company!

43
00:02:22,248 --> 00:02:23,457
Hey. Hi, I'm Dave.

44
00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:24,833
- Michael.
- Of course you're Dave.

45
00:02:24,917 --> 00:02:28,504
Hey, Dave. You and I need to have
a little conversation.

46
00:02:28,587 --> 00:02:30,297
- Diana!
- Oh, hey!

47
00:02:30,673 --> 00:02:31,840
Who the hell is this chick?

48
00:02:31,882 --> 00:02:33,509
Oh, this is my little potato pie, Patricia!

49
00:02:33,926 --> 00:02:35,886
And who might you be, by the way?

50
00:02:36,345 --> 00:02:38,597
Eleanor is my sorority sister.

51
00:02:38,722 --> 00:02:41,392
Right. Good ol' Kappa Zeta...

52
00:02:41,725 --> 00:02:42,643
Jones.

53
00:02:42,935 --> 00:02:44,061
- Oh.
- Hey...

54
00:02:44,979 --> 00:02:47,731
TAHANI: I can't believe I have to
wait in line to see my own sister.

55
00:02:47,815 --> 00:02:52,069
I have never waited in any kind of
formation before, let alone a line.

56
00:02:52,194 --> 00:02:55,906
- Wow, is this whole room just her work?
- Don't be fooled, Chidi.

57
00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:57,408
Kamilah is a charlatan.

58
00:02:57,533 --> 00:03:00,786
All she has to do is paint some dumb shapes
and people go mad.

59
00:03:00,869 --> 00:03:03,330
Those aren't dumb shapes.
They're a pair of boobs.

60
00:03:03,455 --> 00:03:05,082
And then two extra side boobs.

61
00:03:05,207 --> 00:03:09,837
It symbolises that boobs come in all shapes
and sizes, and distances apart.

62
00:03:09,962 --> 00:03:13,924
Ugh. Maybe we should just go, there are
plenty of other people I could help.

63
00:03:14,049 --> 00:03:16,552
Like my good friend Ben Affleck,
and his crippling addiction to back tattoos

64
00:03:16,593 --> 00:03:18,178
or my other good friend Matt Damon

65
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:20,222
and his crippling addiction
to my friend Ben Affleck.

66
00:03:20,306 --> 00:03:21,765
It's important that you make amends.

67
00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,476
Your competitive relationship with Kamilah
is largely the reason

68
00:03:24,518 --> 00:03:26,103
that you didn't get into the Good Place.

69
00:03:26,312 --> 00:03:28,647
Stands to reason that the same
would be true for her.

70
00:03:28,731 --> 00:03:29,648
Fine.

71
00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:31,358
But the waiting is over.

72
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,360
- Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me!
- CROWD MUTTERS

73
00:03:35,112 --> 00:03:38,115
Tahani! Were you waiting
in a line to see me?

74
00:03:38,198 --> 00:03:39,575
That's hilarious.

75
00:03:40,617 --> 00:03:42,953
As a frog stares up in awe at the treetops

76
00:03:43,037 --> 00:03:46,332
so too does humanity gawk at the purity
of a blinding truth.

77
00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:48,375
Napkins and forks are in the back.

78
00:03:48,751 --> 00:03:51,045
So making omelettes is art now, is it?

79
00:03:51,128 --> 00:03:53,297
Not that I'd expect you to understand

80
00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:56,884
but it's a commentary on the world's
fascination with subservience, consumption

81
00:03:56,967 --> 00:03:58,927
death, and pedagogy.

82
00:03:59,553 --> 00:04:00,471
Cheddar or Swiss?

83
00:04:00,512 --> 00:04:02,973
Oh, no, I don't want an omelette.
I just came for a quick sisterly chat.

84
00:04:03,182 --> 00:04:04,266
BELL RINGS

85
00:04:04,350 --> 00:04:07,603
My sister, Tahani,
refuses to order an omelette.

86
00:04:07,770 --> 00:04:10,272
- CROWD GASPS
- As a result, the exhibit is now over

87
00:04:10,397 --> 00:04:12,858
and will never be shown again.
There will be no refunds.

88
00:04:13,609 --> 00:04:17,780
IN HUNGARIAN:

89
00:04:24,244 --> 00:04:26,622
Hey now! I just checked my Apple Watch

90
00:04:26,705 --> 00:04:28,791
and it's "Marg-o-clock!"

91
00:04:28,874 --> 00:04:30,209
DAVE CHUCKLES

92
00:04:30,292 --> 00:04:32,503
- So, Michael, what do you do?
- Ah.

93
00:04:32,586 --> 00:04:34,713
Well, um... I'm an architect.

94
00:04:34,755 --> 00:04:36,090
Get outta here! Me too!

95
00:04:36,340 --> 00:04:37,966
- Huh!
- Dave's real good.

96
00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:40,427
You should see the new Hooters on I-15.

97
00:04:40,511 --> 00:04:42,971
It looks classy, like a bank.

98
00:04:43,305 --> 00:04:45,391
So, how did you two love-rats meet?

99
00:04:45,474 --> 00:04:46,975
Oh, it's a fun story.

100
00:04:47,101 --> 00:04:51,480
I was working on this project, tearing down
a condemned bar called The Desert Rash.

101
00:04:51,605 --> 00:04:54,441
I went in to meet with the contractors,
and Diana is sitting at the bar

102
00:04:54,483 --> 00:04:56,443
drinking a seven and seven and seven.

103
00:04:56,485 --> 00:04:58,862
Seven shots of Seagram's Seven,
in seven minutes.

104
00:04:59,029 --> 00:05:00,489
It's Diana's morning drink.

105
00:05:00,614 --> 00:05:02,699
Oh, that's right,
it was very early in the morning!

106
00:05:02,783 --> 00:05:04,993
- SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
- Well, this little spitfire finds out

107
00:05:05,035 --> 00:05:07,621
it's me who's closing down the bar,
next thing I know

108
00:05:07,704 --> 00:05:10,416
- she's got a knife to my face!
- THEY LAUGH

109
00:05:10,582 --> 00:05:12,876
I would've been scared if she hadn't been
the most gorgeous thing

110
00:05:12,918 --> 00:05:14,711
- I've ever seen in my life.
- Aw.

111
00:05:14,837 --> 00:05:18,048
One thing leads to another and all
of a sudden we're playing tonsil tennis

112
00:05:18,090 --> 00:05:20,217
on a broken toilet in the alley out back.

113
00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:21,593
Cute!

114
00:05:22,010 --> 00:05:23,554
So how did you and Eleanor become friends?

115
00:05:23,595 --> 00:05:25,180
Well, let's just say that we...

116
00:05:25,681 --> 00:05:28,767
lived in the same... neighbourhood!

117
00:05:28,809 --> 00:05:30,185
Oh!
HE CHUCKLES

118
00:05:30,269 --> 00:05:32,479
What a fun way to say a normal
thing, right?

119
00:05:32,604 --> 00:05:35,732
Well, I've gotta go get ready,
today is PTA elections

120
00:05:35,774 --> 00:05:36,984
and I'm running for secretary.

121
00:05:37,109 --> 00:05:39,027
And she's a shoo-in, too. Hey, Patty!

122
00:05:39,361 --> 00:05:40,612
We gotta get ready, OK?

123
00:05:41,738 --> 00:05:44,700
I know we came here to set your mum
on a better path

124
00:05:44,783 --> 00:05:46,702
but I think she's doing pretty great.

125
00:05:46,910 --> 00:05:49,204
Please. She's completely full of it.

126
00:05:49,496 --> 00:05:52,666
I am gonna find out what kind of scam
Donna Shellstrop is running

127
00:05:52,708 --> 00:05:55,252
and I am gonna take her down.

128
00:05:56,086 --> 00:05:58,046
Right after I finish this awesome drink.

129
00:05:58,464 --> 00:06:00,924
- Man, Dave's margaritas are amazing.
- Right?

130
00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:03,177
And I'm not even a tequila guy.

131
00:06:03,677 --> 00:06:04,553
Wow.

132
00:06:06,472 --> 00:06:08,474
JASON:
So this is what a museum looks like.

133
00:06:09,099 --> 00:06:14,980
If you look at this painting closely,
you can really notice the interpretation.

134
00:06:15,147 --> 00:06:18,358
I know you're just being silly,
and effortlessly charming

135
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,987
but you actually just picked the most
valuable painting in the entire museum.

136
00:06:22,154 --> 00:06:26,783
As of last year, that work was valued
at 39.2 million dollars.

137
00:06:26,867 --> 00:06:30,704
Oh, snap, I forgot you know everything!
How much is that one worth?

138
00:06:30,787 --> 00:06:33,499
That one is worth 13.7 million dollars.

139
00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:36,919
That one's got a bunch of colours!
That's gotta add some value.

140
00:06:37,252 --> 00:06:39,004
Can we do this for all the paintings?

141
00:06:39,838 --> 00:06:41,423
Look. I've had a sort of...

142
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:45,511
revelation about the world,
and I'd like to take responsibility

143
00:06:45,552 --> 00:06:48,597
for my part in our fraught history.

144
00:06:49,097 --> 00:06:54,686
For whatever hurt I've caused you,
I sincerely apologise.

145
00:06:55,854 --> 00:06:56,730
Thank you.

146
00:06:57,648 --> 00:07:00,317
I do not accept your apology.
Is that all, then?

147
00:07:01,944 --> 00:07:03,070
SHE SCOFFS

148
00:07:03,820 --> 00:07:04,738
Well...

149
00:07:10,035 --> 00:07:10,911
Oh!

150
00:07:11,078 --> 00:07:12,204
HE GASPS

151
00:07:12,454 --> 00:07:14,915
IN HUNGARIAN:

152
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:17,918
Urgh!

153
00:07:19,586 --> 00:07:20,921
Check out what Dave gave me.

154
00:07:21,421 --> 00:07:26,677
Plans for a Subaru dealership-slash-burlesque
club he's designing in Reno!

155
00:07:27,261 --> 00:07:29,054
Man, Nevada's a mess!

156
00:07:29,263 --> 00:07:30,180
What are you doing?

157
00:07:30,222 --> 00:07:33,559
Searching for the tell-tale sign
of a Donna Shellstrop scam.

158
00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:38,021
A pile of cash hidden somewhere,
so she can grab it and head out on the run.

159
00:07:38,105 --> 00:07:40,566
When the time comes,
she will rip this guy off

160
00:07:40,607 --> 00:07:42,818
and disappear like Keyser Soze...

161
00:07:43,068 --> 00:07:45,445
right after he admitted
to groping all those people.

162
00:07:45,487 --> 00:07:47,531
- Why are you in my room?
- Oh, hey, girl!

163
00:07:47,823 --> 00:07:50,075
What's up? How old are you, three?

164
00:07:50,158 --> 00:07:51,577
- I'm nine.
- Cool.

165
00:07:51,785 --> 00:07:53,203
I don't know anything about kids.

166
00:07:53,328 --> 00:07:58,959
Hey, has Diana ever made you hide, like,
a special treasure in any of your toys?

167
00:07:59,042 --> 00:08:02,254
No, Diana's very nice to me.
She bought me most of these stuffed animals.

168
00:08:02,379 --> 00:08:04,715
- ELEANOR GASPS
- Oh, wow! Neat.

169
00:08:04,798 --> 00:08:07,384
Mind if I give him just a little surgery
just to check?

170
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:11,847
OK, OK, OK, alright, Doc McStuffins,
let's get you some fresh air.

171
00:08:12,055 --> 00:08:13,223
I'm so sorry.

172
00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:16,518
She's a kid. You can't disembowel her toys.

173
00:08:16,602 --> 00:08:21,189
Fine. New plan, you casually mention
that you're rich, and seduce Donna.

174
00:08:21,565 --> 00:08:24,818
When she goes for you, it will prove
that this whole thing is a sham!

175
00:08:25,027 --> 00:08:27,237
First things first, do you have a penis?

176
00:08:27,404 --> 00:08:29,114
I will not seduce Donna.

177
00:08:29,281 --> 00:08:31,950
For one thing,
I could never do that to my pal Dave.

178
00:08:32,034 --> 00:08:36,747
It goes against the architect's code.
Also, your mother seems happy here.

179
00:08:36,872 --> 00:08:41,043
The Donna I know wouldn't be caught dead
in this suburban boredom factory.

180
00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:43,795
She's scamming them!
Look, believe me, don't believe me.

181
00:08:43,879 --> 00:08:45,380
I don't care, I'm gonna prove it.

182
00:08:45,422 --> 00:08:48,842
Young lady, you will stop this nonsense

183
00:08:49,134 --> 00:08:52,179
go to the PTA meeting,
and support your mother.

184
00:08:52,429 --> 00:08:54,097
I won't hear another word about it!

185
00:08:55,849 --> 00:08:56,850
What the hell was that?

186
00:08:56,933 --> 00:09:00,646
Well, I was going for the "stern" but,
you know, "caring dad" vibe.

187
00:09:00,854 --> 00:09:01,855
No? Didn't work?

188
00:09:01,938 --> 00:09:04,024
No, not even close.
Like, not in the ballpark.

189
00:09:04,066 --> 00:09:07,277
I was trying something, Eleanor.
Give me a break.

190
00:09:07,944 --> 00:09:12,115
Until Kamilah accepts my apology,
this open wound will hinder any progress

191
00:09:12,157 --> 00:09:13,617
she might make toward
getting into the Good Place.

192
00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:16,703
Also, I'm going to strangle her

193
00:09:16,828 --> 00:09:19,706
which will hinder any air
from getting into her lungs.

194
00:09:19,915 --> 00:09:21,500
- Can I talk to her?
- SHE SIGHS

195
00:09:21,583 --> 00:09:24,211
Maybe we should try a little
third-party mediation.

196
00:09:27,255 --> 00:09:30,801
Uh, hi. I'm Tahani's friend, Chidi.

197
00:09:31,051 --> 00:09:33,387
Chidi is an Igbo word
that means "God exists."

198
00:09:34,262 --> 00:09:35,764
That's right. Sorry...

199
00:09:35,847 --> 00:09:38,600
I don't know the etymology
of your name, but...

200
00:09:40,227 --> 00:09:42,688
All of your fears... are now mine.

201
00:09:46,692 --> 00:09:47,943
- What did she say?
- What?

202
00:09:48,652 --> 00:09:51,321
I don't know. Sorry, I got distracted.

203
00:09:51,571 --> 00:09:55,117
She's amazing!
All of my fears are hers now!

204
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,326
Of course they are.

205
00:09:59,621 --> 00:10:00,622
CHIDI:
Um...

206
00:10:00,747 --> 00:10:05,669
I sincerely apologised to you because
I have matured into a fully-formed adult

207
00:10:05,752 --> 00:10:07,713
with empathy and self-awareness.

208
00:10:07,838 --> 00:10:09,548
But if you don't accept my apology

209
00:10:09,589 --> 00:10:13,844
I will smash your stupid art exhibit
into bits!

210
00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:16,763
More Tahani theatrics,
with zero follow-through.

211
00:10:17,013 --> 00:10:19,391
You don't have it in you
to do anything that bold

212
00:10:19,433 --> 00:10:21,935
because I'm the one
who got the boldness gene.

213
00:10:22,018 --> 00:10:24,646
- And the good eyebrow gene.
- TAHANI GASPS

214
00:10:24,771 --> 00:10:25,689
TAHANI YELLS

215
00:10:25,772 --> 00:10:26,648
Oh!

216
00:10:27,107 --> 00:10:29,359
Oh, no! All my fears are mine again!

217
00:10:30,819 --> 00:10:33,447
Hey, Davey, can you believe the design
of this room?

218
00:10:33,697 --> 00:10:36,491
Auditorium? More like "audi-bore me-um."

219
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:37,868
THEY LAUGH

220
00:10:37,993 --> 00:10:38,952
Savage!

221
00:10:39,578 --> 00:10:41,830
DONNA:
Hello, I'm Diana Tremaine.

222
00:10:42,205 --> 00:10:44,499
I never thought I'd run for a PTA board.

223
00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:47,377
For most of my life, I preferred to crawl.

224
00:10:48,211 --> 00:10:50,088
- Pub crawl!
- AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

225
00:10:50,213 --> 00:10:52,424
But now, I want to make sure kids

226
00:10:52,507 --> 00:10:55,177
in this decommissioned
military bombing test site

227
00:10:55,260 --> 00:11:00,140
turned-suburban township
get the best education Nevada has to offer.

228
00:11:00,307 --> 00:11:02,934
ELEANOR SCOFFS
What's that, "always double down on 11"?

229
00:11:03,018 --> 00:11:06,813
Also, there is a pretty great kid
who goes to this school

230
00:11:06,897 --> 00:11:10,942
and I want to make this place great for her.
Stand up, sweetheart!

231
00:11:16,656 --> 00:11:19,034
Well, it was the first Hooters
ever made out of brick.

232
00:11:19,117 --> 00:11:21,578
- Sort of inspired by Monticello.
- Hey, mark.

233
00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:23,705
- Oh, nope, it's Dave.
- I know your name.

234
00:11:23,872 --> 00:11:25,415
I'm calling you a mark.

235
00:11:25,499 --> 00:11:26,500
Easy.

236
00:11:26,583 --> 00:11:28,376
I got news for you, dad-bod.

237
00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:32,380
The woman you know as Diana Tremaine
is really Donna Shellstrop

238
00:11:32,464 --> 00:11:34,716
my much older mother.

239
00:11:34,883 --> 00:11:37,469
She faked her death and changed her name.

240
00:11:37,552 --> 00:11:40,055
Sorry to burst your bubble,
but that's the deal.

241
00:11:41,056 --> 00:11:42,808
I already knew all that, Eleanor.

242
00:11:43,308 --> 00:11:46,144
Your mother told me everything
the first night we met.

243
00:11:46,353 --> 00:11:48,605
- The first night?
- Well, no, not the first night, actually.

244
00:11:48,688 --> 00:11:50,565
That was mostly sex, you know...

245
00:11:50,690 --> 00:11:53,860
Your mother is a very confident
and selfish lover.

246
00:11:54,027 --> 00:11:55,779
- Yikes.
- Oh, no, no, it's perfect for me

247
00:11:55,821 --> 00:11:59,199
cos I don't know what I want. But anyway,
the next morning she told me everything.

248
00:11:59,282 --> 00:12:01,493
And we're gonna tell Patricia
once she's a little bit older.

249
00:12:01,576 --> 00:12:05,664
- For now, everything is going great!
- No, dude, you don't know my mum.

250
00:12:05,831 --> 00:12:08,083
She used to put like 50 things
in a shopping cart

251
00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:11,545
then go to the "12 items or less" aisle,
scream "Rat!"

252
00:12:11,586 --> 00:12:13,255
and run out the door without paying.

253
00:12:13,338 --> 00:12:14,631
She is a liar.

254
00:12:14,673 --> 00:12:16,967
Well, listen, she has been nothing
but honest with me

255
00:12:17,008 --> 00:12:20,846
and I like that she's got a wild streak,
kinda gets my motor running!

256
00:12:20,887 --> 00:12:25,308
Tell you the truth, she's turning me
into a bit of a bad boy!

257
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:27,894
I mean, who am I, Avril Lavigne?

258
00:12:28,019 --> 00:12:29,354
THEY LAUGH

259
00:12:32,816 --> 00:12:34,651
Oh, I get it.

260
00:12:35,026 --> 00:12:37,112
Coming clean was all part of the scam!

261
00:12:37,153 --> 00:12:39,489
It's brilliant,
because he thinks she's honest

262
00:12:39,531 --> 00:12:42,617
so when she runs off with all his money,
he'll never see it coming.

263
00:12:42,701 --> 00:12:45,620
Come on, Eleanor. I changed. You changed.

264
00:12:45,704 --> 00:12:47,831
- Maybe she changed, too.
- No.

265
00:12:47,873 --> 00:12:48,748
No way.

266
00:12:48,832 --> 00:12:53,670
Why can't you accept that she might be
living a good, honest life?

267
00:12:53,879 --> 00:12:57,215
That she's an attentive partner
and a good mum?

268
00:12:57,257 --> 00:12:59,217
Because I wanted that mum!

269
00:12:59,843 --> 00:13:04,389
I wanted the mum who made me afternoon snacks
instead of just telling me to look for

270
00:13:04,431 --> 00:13:06,641
loose fries in the McDonald's ball pit.

271
00:13:06,808 --> 00:13:08,393
Why does Patricia get that mum?

272
00:13:08,643 --> 00:13:11,229
If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed

273
00:13:11,313 --> 00:13:13,523
then that means she was always capable
of change

274
00:13:13,690 --> 00:13:16,651
but I... I just wasn't worth changing for.

275
00:13:18,945 --> 00:13:23,950
I-I know as your self-appointed father
figure I'm supposed to say something

276
00:13:23,992 --> 00:13:27,621
comforting here, but I'm...
I'm kinda stumped.

277
00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:30,081
WOMAN:
OK, final tally!

278
00:13:30,165 --> 00:13:32,709
Forty-three votes for Diana Tremaine.

279
00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:34,920
- CROWD MUTTERS
- 12 votes for Eileen Capshaw.

280
00:13:35,086 --> 00:13:38,340
And one vote for "Bofa Deeznutz."

281
00:13:39,549 --> 00:13:42,802
Oh, don't look at me like that.
You're not my real dad.

282
00:13:48,475 --> 00:13:51,728
Congratulations, Madame Secretary.

283
00:13:51,853 --> 00:13:55,106
So crazy, right?
I'm gonna need to get a calculator!

284
00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:59,235
And maybe a globe?
I don't really understand the job.

285
00:13:59,444 --> 00:14:03,698
Listen, I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't
think this whole thing was real.

286
00:14:04,115 --> 00:14:07,827
I just never thought I'd see the day
when you made a commitment to...

287
00:14:08,495 --> 00:14:09,371
anything.

288
00:14:09,663 --> 00:14:10,705
I was wrong.

289
00:14:11,373 --> 00:14:13,583
Thank you, baby. That means a lot.

290
00:14:15,377 --> 00:14:16,336
Let me help you.

291
00:14:16,586 --> 00:14:18,129
No, no, no, not that one! Not that one!

292
00:14:18,213 --> 00:14:20,924
No, sorry, sorry,
this powder is only for my delicates.

293
00:14:21,841 --> 00:14:23,385
You don't wash your bras.

294
00:14:23,927 --> 00:14:25,011
No! No...

295
00:14:25,261 --> 00:14:26,930
SHE GASPS
I knew it!

296
00:14:27,013 --> 00:14:29,557
- Ugh...
- My mother is a con artist!

297
00:14:29,975 --> 00:14:31,142
Gotcha!

298
00:14:31,768 --> 00:14:34,437
So, before I'm tortured in the afterlife

299
00:14:34,521 --> 00:14:39,734
I get to spend the rest of this life in a
Hungarian prison for destruction of art!

300
00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:41,361
That's fun!

301
00:14:41,569 --> 00:14:44,072
Destruction of extremely derivative art.

302
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,491
Kamilah's work has been mediocre for years.

303
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:50,578
Mother and father are probably rolling over
in their cryogenic chambers.

304
00:14:50,745 --> 00:14:51,621
Really?

305
00:14:52,163 --> 00:14:56,042
You don't think they would be proud of her
for having a whole museum wing

306
00:14:56,084 --> 00:14:57,585
dedicated to her work?

307
00:14:57,627 --> 00:15:03,091
My parents' standards were incredibly high
and they were impossible to please.

308
00:15:03,174 --> 00:15:06,344
Plus they always pitted my sister and me
against each other.

309
00:15:06,553 --> 00:15:10,015
The two of them were a unit,
and Kamilah and I...

310
00:15:14,477 --> 00:15:17,147
WAQAS:
Girls. We have a new challenge for you.

311
00:15:17,313 --> 00:15:21,735
Each of you has four hours to complete
a rendering of your favourite moment

312
00:15:21,776 --> 00:15:23,695
in French Military History.

313
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:27,741
The winning painting shall be hung
in our foyer during our party

314
00:15:27,782 --> 00:15:29,617
honouring François Mitterrand.

315
00:15:29,784 --> 00:15:32,746
The losing painting shall provide
the kindling for the fire

316
00:15:32,787 --> 00:15:36,666
that rages in our hearth during that party.

317
00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:38,501
Doesn't that sound wonderful?

318
00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:40,211
Yes, Mother, it does.

319
00:15:40,336 --> 00:15:41,838
Thank you for this opportunity.

320
00:15:41,963 --> 00:15:46,259
Who will be the winning artist,
and who will fail?

321
00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:49,012
- Let's find out!
- STOPWATCH CLICKS

322
00:15:53,683 --> 00:15:55,101
TAHANI:
These paintings...

323
00:15:57,645 --> 00:15:59,064
they're us.

324
00:15:59,397 --> 00:16:00,356
You're the boobs?

325
00:16:01,232 --> 00:16:03,568
Sorry, once Jason said it,
that's all I can see.

326
00:16:08,114 --> 00:16:09,115
Here we go...

327
00:16:09,908 --> 00:16:10,784
What?

328
00:16:12,702 --> 00:16:14,829
Tahani, what are you doing? Stop it.

329
00:16:14,913 --> 00:16:17,332
No. I'm going to hug
you because I love you.

330
00:16:17,957 --> 00:16:20,376
And because you feel just as alone as I do.

331
00:16:21,419 --> 00:16:24,464
I'm sorry our parents were such wankers.

332
00:16:25,006 --> 00:16:27,592
And I understand
that you can't accept my apology

333
00:16:27,634 --> 00:16:30,345
because that would quench
your creative thirst.

334
00:16:30,845 --> 00:16:34,891
They forced us to compete,
and that competition has fuelled your art

335
00:16:34,974 --> 00:16:36,184
for decades.

336
00:16:36,726 --> 00:16:40,021
It's so awful, and I'm so sorry.

337
00:16:41,856 --> 00:16:43,024
TAHANI SIGHS

338
00:16:43,858 --> 00:16:44,776
KAMILAH SIGHS

339
00:16:45,151 --> 00:16:46,694
They were wankers, weren't they?

340
00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:50,657
Oh! The absolute biggest wankers on Earth.

341
00:16:55,787 --> 00:16:57,163
Let them go, please.

342
00:16:57,831 --> 00:17:00,166
IN HUNGARIAN:

343
00:17:02,544 --> 00:17:03,461
Mwah!

344
00:17:04,546 --> 00:17:06,840
Diana Tremaine, you little devil.

345
00:17:07,423 --> 00:17:08,716
New name, same game.

346
00:17:09,008 --> 00:17:09,926
Fine.

347
00:17:10,218 --> 00:17:12,971
Things have been going
good with me and Dave

348
00:17:13,054 --> 00:17:17,100
but sometimes I sneak a little bit of cash
out of his wallet and I hide it away

349
00:17:17,183 --> 00:17:20,353
just in case everything blows up
and I need to skip town.

350
00:17:20,436 --> 00:17:21,437
Are you happy?

351
00:17:23,148 --> 00:17:24,983
Actually, no. I'm not happy.

352
00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:26,985
But I think you are.

353
00:17:27,277 --> 00:17:29,362
You're holding on to this exit strategy

354
00:17:29,445 --> 00:17:32,574
telling yourself that you can bail
at any time, but the truth is

355
00:17:33,908 --> 00:17:35,910
you love this suburban life.

356
00:17:36,202 --> 00:17:38,037
I don't love it so much.

357
00:17:38,204 --> 00:17:40,039
I am not basic!

358
00:17:40,373 --> 00:17:41,332
Ya basic!

359
00:17:41,499 --> 00:17:42,584
No, Mum...

360
00:17:43,459 --> 00:17:44,544
<i>ya</i> basic.

361
00:17:44,752 --> 00:17:45,962
And that's OK.

362
00:17:46,337 --> 00:17:49,591
Let me ask you something,
why are you wearing yoga pants?

363
00:17:49,924 --> 00:17:54,179
Well, on Tuesday nights I do restorative yoga
with a bunch of mums from Patty's school.

364
00:17:54,262 --> 00:17:56,764
- And what do you do after yoga?
- We split avocado egg rolls

365
00:17:56,806 --> 00:17:59,475
at the Cheesecake Factory,
but we also drink!

366
00:17:59,517 --> 00:18:01,394
- What do you drink?
- Chardonnay.

367
00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:03,980
- With ice cubes.
- ELEANOR SIGHS

368
00:18:04,063 --> 00:18:06,274
And after one glass, I get sleepy

369
00:18:06,608 --> 00:18:10,153
so I usually switch to water
so I can drive home

370
00:18:10,278 --> 00:18:11,779
like a nerd!

371
00:18:11,863 --> 00:18:12,906
Hey, hey.

372
00:18:13,531 --> 00:18:15,366
ELEANOR SIGHS
It's OK.

373
00:18:15,825 --> 00:18:17,535
It's good. You're happy here.

374
00:18:18,036 --> 00:18:21,331
But you need to commit to this

375
00:18:22,332 --> 00:18:25,752
which means getting rid of that stash
of escape money.

376
00:18:26,544 --> 00:18:28,963
And I think you know
what you have to do with it.

377
00:18:30,465 --> 00:18:31,966
Send it to Gene Simmons?

378
00:18:32,050 --> 00:18:33,051
What? No.

379
00:18:34,219 --> 00:18:36,095
Spend it on Patricia.

380
00:18:36,804 --> 00:18:39,349
Set up a college fund, buy her a... crib.

381
00:18:39,557 --> 00:18:43,394
Or a car? I-I truly don't know anything
about kids, but...

382
00:18:43,895 --> 00:18:49,317
this is your chance to break the chain
of Shellstrop-mother-daughter crappiness.

383
00:18:49,692 --> 00:18:53,112
You have a do-over. Use it.

384
00:18:54,072 --> 00:18:54,948
Oh, baby.

385
00:18:55,281 --> 00:18:58,409
It seems like you've turned into
a really good person

386
00:18:58,493 --> 00:19:02,747
and you clearly didn't get that from me,
so, props to whoever helped you.

387
00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:06,626
Is there more cash in your bra?

388
00:19:06,668 --> 00:19:08,670
Always, that's why I don't wash them.

389
00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:14,467
I still can't believe that police officer
pulled you over just to tell you

390
00:19:14,509 --> 00:19:16,010
that you were driving perfectly.

391
00:19:16,094 --> 00:19:17,762
Why not? I was!

392
00:19:17,845 --> 00:19:21,683
There is an article in the paper
about Kamilah's latest art installation

393
00:19:21,808 --> 00:19:22,767
and look.

394
00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:26,771
"A Fractured Inheritance"
by Kamilah Al-Jamil <i>and...</i>

395
00:19:26,980 --> 00:19:28,398
Tahani Al-Jamil.

396
00:19:28,731 --> 00:19:31,359
Gosh. That was very big of her.

397
00:19:31,484 --> 00:19:36,948
Though she really should have named the
piece "A Buried Hatchet," don't you think?

398
00:19:37,115 --> 00:19:38,408
Such a better title!

399
00:19:38,533 --> 00:19:41,035
- I'm going to call her and rub it in!
- Maybe don't.

400
00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:42,078
For now.

401
00:19:42,203 --> 00:19:43,162
Yes.

402
00:19:43,329 --> 00:19:44,205
Smart.

403
00:19:44,289 --> 00:19:46,207
Good luck, buddy. Oh!

404
00:19:46,249 --> 00:19:48,626
Hey, I almost forgot,
I sketched you up a little something.

405
00:19:48,751 --> 00:19:51,546
Some ideas there for your, uh...
your project.

406
00:19:51,754 --> 00:19:52,922
- Wow!
- Yeah.

407
00:19:53,047 --> 00:19:56,009
Well, this is more than a few ideas,
you solved the whole thing!

408
00:19:56,092 --> 00:19:57,593
Columns, and porticos...

409
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:58,636
Uh-oh.

410
00:19:59,095 --> 00:20:01,639
Looks like you forgot to include bathrooms.
DAVE CHUCKLES

411
00:20:01,723 --> 00:20:03,933
Oops. Well, just a little oversight.

412
00:20:04,183 --> 00:20:07,103
I certainly use the bathroom,
like anybody else.

413
00:20:07,312 --> 00:20:09,856
Love to sit on the... the thing and just,
you know

414
00:20:09,939 --> 00:20:10,857
shoot one out.

415
00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:12,400
Eleanor, I'll be in the car!

416
00:20:13,192 --> 00:20:16,904
It was really nice to meet you, Patricia.
Got a lot of people who care about you here.

417
00:20:17,405 --> 00:20:19,574
And good luck with the...

418
00:20:20,658 --> 00:20:22,160
- SATS.
- I'm nine.

419
00:20:22,243 --> 00:20:24,495
Whatever, good luck in school, you get it.

420
00:20:27,915 --> 00:20:30,335
The others are on their way back
from Budapest.

421
00:20:30,626 --> 00:20:32,754
We'll be picking them up in a few hours.

422
00:20:33,671 --> 00:20:34,881
Oh, be happy!

423
00:20:35,214 --> 00:20:39,677
Your mum found a better path all on her own,
and you definitely helped Patricia.

424
00:20:39,969 --> 00:20:42,096
- Double happy ending.
- I know, I'm just...

425
00:20:42,263 --> 00:20:43,431
I'm a little sad.

426
00:20:43,514 --> 00:20:48,561
I'm glad my mum has changed, but that
doesn't fix all the damage she did to me.

427
00:20:48,644 --> 00:20:52,190
Let's face it, she's the reason
I could never get close to anyone.

428
00:20:52,357 --> 00:20:55,109
I never even told a boyfriend I love him.

429
00:20:56,652 --> 00:20:58,613
Oh, crap. Um...

430
00:21:00,198 --> 00:21:04,577
You remember how I told that you knew
everything important about your life?

431
00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:08,414
Well, I wasn't thinking about
your afterlife life.

432
00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:12,502
In one of the reboots, you and...
and Chidi fell in love.

433
00:21:13,002 --> 00:21:14,253
Deeply, and...

434
00:21:14,629 --> 00:21:16,923
you told him that you loved him, and...

435
00:21:17,006 --> 00:21:19,717
and he told you that he loved you back.

436
00:21:21,219 --> 00:21:22,178
We did what now?

437
00:21:22,470 --> 00:21:24,639
Do you wanna listen to a podcast, maybe?