1
00:00:11,198 --> 00:00:13,868
- Anything?
-Nope. Nobody knows squat.
2
00:00:13,951 --> 00:00:15,286
What the here is going on?
3
00:00:15,369 --> 00:00:17,663
We haven't had any new humans
to torture in a week.
4
00:00:17,747 --> 00:00:19,415
-I miss it.
-I know.
5
00:00:19,498 --> 00:00:22,043
I got so desperate this morning,
I tried flattening an eggplant.
6
00:00:22,126 --> 00:00:23,502
It's just not the same.
7
00:00:23,586 --> 00:00:25,504
Hey! Skin tags. Special meeting.
8
00:00:25,588 --> 00:00:27,214
-About what?
-I don't know.
9
00:00:27,298 --> 00:00:29,842
Probably your dad's stinky sack.
10
00:00:31,594 --> 00:00:33,596
I hope it's not
more sexual harassment training.
11
00:00:33,679 --> 00:00:36,932
We just did that.
And I'm already so good at it.
12
00:00:38,142 --> 00:00:40,519
Whoa! All right! We got 'em.
13
00:00:40,603 --> 00:00:42,354
Okay, here we go!
14
00:00:42,438 --> 00:00:45,608
Yeah. Uh, that's not exactly
what's happening here.
15
00:00:45,691 --> 00:00:48,110
The Bad Place is going to be changing,
16
00:00:48,194 --> 00:00:49,236
and I'm...
17
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,322
Well, I'm kind of your boss now.
18
00:00:52,031 --> 00:00:53,949
He's joking, right?
19
00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:55,075
I'm afraid he's not.
20
00:00:55,159 --> 00:00:56,452
Things are changing.
21
00:00:56,535 --> 00:01:00,122
Michael and I
are actually going to be wor...
22
00:01:00,206 --> 00:01:01,957
Wor... Wor...
23
00:01:02,583 --> 00:01:04,001
Working... together.
24
00:01:04,085 --> 00:01:06,003
Ugh! Oh, I hated that.
25
00:01:06,087 --> 00:01:08,756
I hated saying it, hated how it felt,
hated all of it. Ew!
26
00:01:08,839 --> 00:01:10,132
You all have been hand-selected
27
00:01:10,216 --> 00:01:14,553
to be the very first Bad Place architects
who will learn the new system.
28
00:01:14,637 --> 00:01:16,222
Why do we need a new system?
29
00:01:16,305 --> 00:01:18,808
Torture works.
It's the way it's always been done.
30
00:01:18,891 --> 00:01:22,311
With all due respect,
"it's the way it's always been done,"
31
00:01:22,394 --> 00:01:24,939
is an excuse that's been used
for hundreds of years
32
00:01:25,022 --> 00:01:27,983
-to justify racism, misogyny--
- Exactly!
33
00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:30,694
See? This chick gets it.
34
00:01:37,451 --> 00:01:39,578
So, these computers have access
35
00:01:39,662 --> 00:01:42,957
to every file for every human
currently in the Bad Place.
36
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,542
And the three of us
have a very important job.
37
00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:47,837
To find out which former US presidents
were secretly gay.
38
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,547
-No.
-Okay, fine. Bi.
39
00:01:49,630 --> 00:01:51,131
Sure, but also,
40
00:01:51,215 --> 00:01:53,134
while Michael is trying
to get the architects trained,
41
00:01:53,217 --> 00:01:56,262
we're supposed to find
the first 1,000 humans to take the test.
42
00:01:56,345 --> 00:02:00,474
People who'll just sail right through it,
so we can build confidence in the system.
43
00:02:00,558 --> 00:02:01,433
So, what are the criteria?
44
00:02:01,517 --> 00:02:04,103
Should it be people
with the highest point totals,
45
00:02:04,186 --> 00:02:06,105
or overcame the greatest hardship?
46
00:02:06,188 --> 00:02:07,398
I think we just start with the gimmes.
47
00:02:07,481 --> 00:02:09,483
The very best people who ever lived, so...
48
00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:12,862
Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,
49
00:02:12,945 --> 00:02:16,574
DJ Jazzy Jeff... A genie
so we could wish for infinity people...
50
00:02:16,657 --> 00:02:18,117
-Jason--
-Sure, throw me in there, too.
51
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,120
Also, Fat Bastard,
The World's Most Interesting Man,
52
00:02:21,203 --> 00:02:23,122
Pikachu, Karate Kid,
53
00:02:23,205 --> 00:02:24,790
Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat,
54
00:02:24,874 --> 00:02:27,543
and the GPS lady
that tells you where to drive,.
55
00:02:28,043 --> 00:02:29,712
Feels like a good stopping point.
56
00:02:29,795 --> 00:02:31,755
Let's call it a day.
Come back fresh tomorrow.
57
00:02:31,839 --> 00:02:33,716
-Great job, everyone!
-What--
58
00:02:36,802 --> 00:02:41,182
Okay. Janet's passing out
the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,
59
00:02:41,265 --> 00:02:43,684
who volunteered
to be today's test subject.
60
00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:45,895
So, take a look and then we'll get going.
61
00:02:45,978 --> 00:02:47,354
They don't seem very enthused.
62
00:02:47,438 --> 00:02:49,398
This may be a tougher challenge
than I thought.
63
00:02:49,481 --> 00:02:52,234
Like when I tried to teach
Taylor Swift how to dance.
64
00:02:52,776 --> 00:02:54,445
The longest four years of my life.
65
00:02:54,528 --> 00:02:57,698
We're uprooting
the entire Bad Place system,
66
00:02:57,781 --> 00:03:00,075
and these architects
are set in their ways.
67
00:03:00,159 --> 00:03:02,161
It's gonna take a lot of work.
68
00:03:02,244 --> 00:03:05,039
But the work is the fun part, guys.
69
00:03:05,122 --> 00:03:06,874
So, no matter how long it takes,
70
00:03:06,957 --> 00:03:11,170
we'll see it through
and usher in a better, brighter future.
71
00:03:11,253 --> 00:03:14,340
Screw this.
I'm not working for a traitor.
72
00:03:14,423 --> 00:03:15,758
Phil out.
73
00:03:15,841 --> 00:03:17,426
That's my name, Phil.
74
00:03:17,509 --> 00:03:19,511
Oh, Phil. Hey. Come on, buddy.
75
00:03:19,595 --> 00:03:21,096
I personally chose you
76
00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:24,808
based on your innovative work in the
Performative Wokeness department.
77
00:03:24,892 --> 00:03:25,893
Wow.
78
00:03:25,976 --> 00:03:28,103
Way to mansplain my own department to me.
79
00:03:28,187 --> 00:03:29,939
And I'm triggered.
80
00:03:31,065 --> 00:03:33,651
Oh, man! What a legend!
81
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,153
-Ooh. Who you reading about?
-Me.
82
00:03:36,236 --> 00:03:37,446
I ruled on Earth.
83
00:03:37,529 --> 00:03:39,990
I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.
84
00:03:40,658 --> 00:03:42,117
Even if the car was moving,
85
00:03:42,201 --> 00:03:44,620
or on fire, or a boat,
86
00:03:44,703 --> 00:03:46,121
I still always got that gas.
87
00:03:46,205 --> 00:03:47,289
Oh, man.
88
00:03:47,373 --> 00:03:50,459
I never thought about the fact
that we could look up our own files.
89
00:03:50,542 --> 00:03:52,086
Yeah. I printed out all of ours.
90
00:03:55,422 --> 00:03:57,299
-I love you, okay?
-Oh.
91
00:03:57,383 --> 00:03:59,009
The words are nice, but the tone is scary.
92
00:03:59,093 --> 00:04:02,304
We're in love, and everything's great,
and if we wanna keep it that way,
93
00:04:02,388 --> 00:04:05,391
you have to promise
to never, ever, ever read my file.
94
00:04:05,474 --> 00:04:08,435
Okay, if you don't want me to,
then of course I won't,
95
00:04:08,519 --> 00:04:10,521
but nothing in there could ever change
how I feel about you.
96
00:04:10,604 --> 00:04:15,317
Eh. You say that now, but you don't know
what I did on Halloween 2013.
97
00:04:15,401 --> 00:04:17,152
What did you do on Halloween 2013?
98
00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:19,280
Oh, I don't remember,
but it must've been bad.
99
00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:22,449
Because the next morning, I woke up
in a large Rubbermaid container
100
00:04:22,533 --> 00:04:23,742
in some family's basement,
101
00:04:23,826 --> 00:04:25,828
and I'd barfed
all over their old photo albums.
102
00:04:26,912 --> 00:04:29,665
Yeah, see? That's the look
we're trying to avoid here, bud.
103
00:04:29,748 --> 00:04:31,375
I don't need to read your file.
104
00:04:31,458 --> 00:04:33,043
I know you.
105
00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:36,672
And I love you, and I can't wait
to spend eternity with you.
106
00:04:38,215 --> 00:04:42,011
I mean, obviously,
we have a lot of work to do here,
107
00:04:42,094 --> 00:04:43,512
and then we both have to pass the test.
108
00:04:43,595 --> 00:04:45,306
But, eventually,
we're gonna be together forever.
109
00:04:45,389 --> 00:04:46,348
You have to read my file right now.
110
00:04:46,432 --> 00:04:48,809
What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
111
00:04:49,852 --> 00:04:51,562
Is it a sex game, somehow?
112
00:04:51,645 --> 00:04:52,813
I can't risk it.
113
00:04:52,896 --> 00:04:55,399
What if we spend
half of eternity together,
114
00:04:55,482 --> 00:04:58,569
and then, you find out something
that does change the way you feel about me
115
00:04:58,652 --> 00:05:02,364
and then you resent me
for wasting half your eternity?
116
00:05:02,448 --> 00:05:04,742
No. It's better we just rip
the Band-Aid off
117
00:05:04,825 --> 00:05:07,536
and you read about all the bad stuff now,
when we're hot and heavy.
118
00:05:07,619 --> 00:05:09,830
-Okay. I'll read your file.
-Yeah.
119
00:05:09,913 --> 00:05:11,915
Can I finish reading
about Oskar Schindler first?
120
00:05:11,999 --> 00:05:16,920
That's who I gotta follow? The list guy?
You and I are so screwed, dude.
121
00:05:17,004 --> 00:05:20,215
After as many attempts as it takes,
if your human passes the test
122
00:05:20,299 --> 00:05:22,343
and proves that they deserve
to go to the Good Place,
123
00:05:22,426 --> 00:05:23,594
you'll hear this sound.
124
00:05:24,219 --> 00:05:26,138
Good Place, here I come.
125
00:05:26,221 --> 00:05:28,015
This new system is great!
126
00:05:28,098 --> 00:05:30,559
Who do we have to thank
for effortlessly...
127
00:05:30,642 --> 00:05:31,727
implementing it?
128
00:05:31,810 --> 00:05:34,772
Whoever it is, I think we can all agree
it was a home run.
129
00:05:35,356 --> 00:05:38,025
It was me. Okay. Bye, everyone.
130
00:05:38,108 --> 00:05:39,985
Sweet Hitler's hairpiece!
131
00:05:40,069 --> 00:05:41,737
Is this movie finally over?
132
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:43,572
-It's basically over. Just one little--
133
00:05:44,156 --> 00:05:45,616
♪ It's simply the test ♪
134
00:05:49,036 --> 00:05:51,455
♪ Better than other tests ♪
135
00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:55,209
-I think we just...
-Okay. So, thoughts?
136
00:05:55,292 --> 00:05:58,253
Yeah. This all sounds so lame.
137
00:05:58,337 --> 00:06:01,090
No, it's the current system that's lame.
138
00:06:01,173 --> 00:06:02,341
It's so basic.
139
00:06:02,424 --> 00:06:04,259
You get a human's file,
140
00:06:04,343 --> 00:06:05,969
and let's be honest,
you never even read it.
141
00:06:06,053 --> 00:06:08,764
You just skip
to the "fears and phobias" section
142
00:06:08,847 --> 00:06:09,973
and use that to torture them.
143
00:06:10,057 --> 00:06:12,476
Fear of snakes? Throw 'em in a snake pit.
144
00:06:12,559 --> 00:06:16,063
Worried something's gonna happen
to your normal, cylindrical penis?
145
00:06:16,146 --> 00:06:16,980
Flatten it.
146
00:06:17,064 --> 00:06:18,649
This new way allows you
147
00:06:18,732 --> 00:06:22,486
to test their specific psychological flaws
and weaknesses.
148
00:06:22,569 --> 00:06:24,905
And trust us, they have plenty.
149
00:06:24,988 --> 00:06:27,366
-Hey!
-Sorry. I'm in selling mode.
150
00:06:27,449 --> 00:06:30,661
Guys, this is your chance
to be part of a bold, new future.
151
00:06:30,744 --> 00:06:33,747
Are you telling me
there's not one single demon
152
00:06:33,831 --> 00:06:38,168
who wants to design the very first
sample test of this new system?
153
00:06:38,252 --> 00:06:39,753
Oh, there is.
154
00:06:39,837 --> 00:06:42,214
And she's a stone-cold fox.
155
00:06:45,342 --> 00:06:46,927
Vicky, what are you doing here?
156
00:06:47,010 --> 00:06:51,098
Relax. I heard about the new system.
I love it, and I wanna be a part of it.
157
00:06:51,181 --> 00:06:53,392
Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical,
158
00:06:53,475 --> 00:06:57,104
given that you did once try to sabotage
my entire neighborhood.
159
00:06:57,187 --> 00:06:58,730
Look. After you blew me into goo,
160
00:06:58,814 --> 00:07:01,316
I had a lot of time to think
while my goo was reforming.
161
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:05,112
If things are gonna change,
then I have to change along with them.
162
00:07:05,195 --> 00:07:09,533
And sure, change can be scary,
but... I'm an artist,
163
00:07:09,616 --> 00:07:12,870
which means, it's my job to be scared.
164
00:07:12,953 --> 00:07:15,164
- All right, fine, take a seat.
165
00:07:15,247 --> 00:07:17,124
Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
166
00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:18,500
Oh, no. I don't need her file.
167
00:07:18,584 --> 00:07:20,335
I know Tahani very well.
168
00:07:20,419 --> 00:07:23,922
Self-obsessed, family issues,
way too into being tall.
169
00:07:24,006 --> 00:07:25,841
Typical Vicky, throwing shade.
170
00:07:25,924 --> 00:07:28,635
But it doesn't matter,
'cause I'm casting it.
171
00:07:29,470 --> 00:07:31,346
Because I'm closer to the sun.
172
00:07:32,556 --> 00:07:33,390
I'm tall.
173
00:07:36,435 --> 00:07:38,729
Oh, no. I knew it.
You hate me now.
174
00:07:38,812 --> 00:07:41,648
What did it? That time I was subpoenaed
by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
175
00:07:41,732 --> 00:07:44,026
-No.
-Oh, I know what it was.
176
00:07:44,109 --> 00:07:47,029
In my defense, I didn't realize
he was my boyfriend's twin
177
00:07:47,112 --> 00:07:48,614
until halfway into hooking up with him,
178
00:07:48,697 --> 00:07:51,325
and at that point, you know,
it's a sunk cost.
179
00:07:51,408 --> 00:07:52,284
I don't hate you at all.
180
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:54,244
I mean, you were dealt
a pretty tough hand.
181
00:07:54,328 --> 00:07:56,246
You essentially had to raise yourself,
182
00:07:56,330 --> 00:08:00,501
but you were still more confident
and self-possessed at 13 than I ever was.
183
00:08:00,584 --> 00:08:04,463
I mean, seeing your whole life
all laid out like this, it's...
184
00:08:05,672 --> 00:08:06,507
It's remarkable.
185
00:08:07,090 --> 00:08:09,134
Okay, so you still love me.
186
00:08:10,010 --> 00:08:12,012
You're still horny for me,
blah, blah, blah...
187
00:08:12,095 --> 00:08:13,305
Then, what's wrong?
188
00:08:13,388 --> 00:08:15,057
I'm not good enough for you!
189
00:08:15,140 --> 00:08:16,725
I mean... Look at my file.
190
00:08:16,808 --> 00:08:21,480
It is one-tenth as long as yours,
because I did nothing with my life.
191
00:08:21,563 --> 00:08:24,191
Yeah, we're very different,
but we already knew that.
192
00:08:24,274 --> 00:08:25,692
-Why are you freaking out?
193
00:08:25,776 --> 00:08:27,778
You're cool, confident Chidi now,
remember?
194
00:08:27,861 --> 00:08:29,947
I am confident about my feelings for you.
195
00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:33,742
I am also confident that I am a damn drip,
196
00:08:33,825 --> 00:08:36,036
and you deserve to be with someone
who's not.
197
00:08:36,119 --> 00:08:39,206
Like Nicolas, that fireman
that you dated back in 2009?
198
00:08:39,289 --> 00:08:42,834
He rescued people from burning buildings,
and he was so hot!
199
00:08:42,918 --> 00:08:45,963
Oh, Nicolas the fireman...
200
00:08:46,588 --> 00:08:47,464
Mmm.
201
00:08:47,548 --> 00:08:49,383
Nicolas.
202
00:08:49,466 --> 00:08:52,219
I can't argue with you on that one, but...
203
00:08:52,678 --> 00:08:53,971
I love you.
204
00:08:54,054 --> 00:08:56,682
There's no one else I wanna be with.
205
00:08:56,765 --> 00:08:58,308
At least, not forever.
206
00:08:58,392 --> 00:09:01,019
I mean, if Frida Kahlo
wants to make out with me in heaven
207
00:09:01,103 --> 00:09:02,604
then you and I
are gonna have a conversation,
208
00:09:02,688 --> 00:09:07,150
but if you read my file and you're good,
then we're good.
209
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:09,945
Unless there's something in your file
that would freak me out,
210
00:09:10,028 --> 00:09:12,155
like you kept out a library book
past the due date.
211
00:09:12,239 --> 00:09:13,490
What-- I moved!
212
00:09:13,574 --> 00:09:15,033
It got buried in the bottom of a box.
213
00:09:15,117 --> 00:09:16,577
I put the library in my will
to make up for it.
214
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:17,703
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
215
00:09:17,786 --> 00:09:18,912
Relax.
216
00:09:18,996 --> 00:09:20,289
Let's get back to work.
217
00:09:22,833 --> 00:09:25,085
Now, when I press this lever,
218
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:29,047
Tahani will enter the scenario
that Megan has designed
219
00:09:29,131 --> 00:09:31,508
that will test
her ethical decision-making.
220
00:09:31,592 --> 00:09:35,220
Obviously, in the real test, the humans
won't know they're being tested,
221
00:09:35,304 --> 00:09:37,764
but this should be a good practice run.
222
00:09:38,348 --> 00:09:39,182
Everyone ready?
223
00:09:43,687 --> 00:09:44,688
Hors d'oeuvre?
224
00:09:45,272 --> 00:09:46,982
Why, yes. Thank you.
225
00:09:47,065 --> 00:09:48,734
-Chainsaw bear!
226
00:09:51,153 --> 00:09:53,071
Okay, so, couple of things.
227
00:09:53,155 --> 00:09:56,491
We're not using chainsaw bears anymore,
remember?
228
00:09:56,575 --> 00:09:58,869
Right. Okay. Yeah.
229
00:09:58,952 --> 00:10:01,288
-What else?
-It was mainly that one thing.
230
00:10:01,371 --> 00:10:03,123
Why don't you try again?
231
00:10:03,206 --> 00:10:06,543
And remember that the challenges
your test subject faces
232
00:10:06,627 --> 00:10:09,212
should be smaller and more relatable.
233
00:10:10,047 --> 00:10:10,881
Okay.
234
00:10:12,466 --> 00:10:14,009
Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.
235
00:10:14,092 --> 00:10:15,469
Is it farm-raised salmon?
236
00:10:15,552 --> 00:10:17,804
'Cause I prefer
to support sustainable fishing.
237
00:10:17,888 --> 00:10:20,307
Mondays, am I right?
238
00:10:20,390 --> 00:10:21,266
-Chainsaw!
239
00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:24,394
You said "smaller
and more relatable."
240
00:10:24,478 --> 00:10:28,148
The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays
and love bacon.
241
00:10:28,231 --> 00:10:29,483
What do you want from me?
242
00:10:29,566 --> 00:10:31,652
Michael, can I try?
243
00:10:31,735 --> 00:10:33,070
I can show them what you're trying to do.
244
00:10:33,153 --> 00:10:35,489
Fine, Vicky, go ahead.
245
00:10:36,365 --> 00:10:39,785
Now, first, I need to
get into Tahani's headspace.
246
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:40,911
Hello, love.
247
00:10:40,994 --> 00:10:43,163
Pish-posh, tuna and pickles.
248
00:10:43,246 --> 00:10:47,668
I once played billiards with
Questlove and Olivia Munn.
249
00:10:47,751 --> 00:10:48,794
Yeah, there she is.
250
00:10:48,877 --> 00:10:50,671
Okay, just give me a second.
251
00:10:51,171 --> 00:10:52,547
Ooh.
252
00:10:52,631 --> 00:10:55,467
Just finished reading up
about James Buchanan.
253
00:10:55,967 --> 00:11:00,138
Definitely at least a little bi.
I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile.
254
00:11:01,014 --> 00:11:04,059
I want nachos. Is there a snack bar here?
255
00:11:05,769 --> 00:11:06,895
What's going on, dawg?
256
00:11:06,978 --> 00:11:08,397
I know you're upset. You have a tell.
257
00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:09,898
-I do?
-Yeah.
258
00:11:09,981 --> 00:11:12,150
You told Eleanor before
that you were upset,
259
00:11:12,234 --> 00:11:13,402
and I think you still are.
260
00:11:13,485 --> 00:11:17,572
Looking at Eleanor's life
made me realize how different we are.
261
00:11:17,656 --> 00:11:20,117
If the system works,
and we both pass our tests,
262
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:24,371
I don't see any version of eternity
where she doesn't get bored of me.
263
00:11:24,454 --> 00:11:27,207
I mean, my fake heaven
was a 600 square-foot apartment
264
00:11:27,290 --> 00:11:31,294
that was essentially a bookcase
and a toilet... and I loved it.
265
00:11:31,378 --> 00:11:34,339
So what? It's cool that you guys
are so different.
266
00:11:34,423 --> 00:11:36,716
Sometimes, two people
who have nothing in common
267
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,761
get together, and it rules.
Opposites attract.
268
00:11:39,845 --> 00:11:42,222
Well, you need that to be true
because you're dating Janet.
269
00:11:43,515 --> 00:11:44,933
Ultimate opposites.
270
00:11:45,517 --> 00:11:49,521
So, what, are you saying...
Janet might get bored of me?
271
00:11:49,604 --> 00:11:51,857
No, that's not... I'm sorry.
I didn't mean...
272
00:11:51,940 --> 00:11:53,692
Man... Oh, no.
273
00:11:53,775 --> 00:11:55,485
No, Jason. Come back, I...
274
00:11:58,655 --> 00:12:00,782
I wish I were back in my toilet library.
275
00:12:01,283 --> 00:12:06,037
And places, and... action.
276
00:12:09,207 --> 00:12:12,127
Can you believe we're still having
this dinner for Kamilah?
277
00:12:12,210 --> 00:12:13,712
So embarrassing.
278
00:12:13,795 --> 00:12:15,005
She doesn't know this yet,
279
00:12:15,088 --> 00:12:18,008
but I heard that the reviews for
her new album are going to be dreadful.
280
00:12:18,091 --> 00:12:20,594
The rumor is that the label
is going to drop her.
281
00:12:20,677 --> 00:12:24,514
I heard she may have to fly home coach
and "check a bag,"
282
00:12:24,598 --> 00:12:25,807
-whatever that means.
283
00:12:25,891 --> 00:12:27,642
- Thank you, everyone,
284
00:12:27,726 --> 00:12:30,645
for coming
to celebrate our daughter Kamilah.
285
00:12:30,729 --> 00:12:33,273
I know you're all very busy these days.
286
00:12:33,356 --> 00:12:35,275
Just look at our other daughter, Tahani.
287
00:12:35,358 --> 00:12:37,027
She had to come straight from the gym.
288
00:12:37,611 --> 00:12:40,489
Would anyone like to say
a few words of praise
289
00:12:40,572 --> 00:12:44,493
about Kamilah's latest album,
or any other aspect of Kamilah?
290
00:12:44,576 --> 00:12:46,745
There are so many to celebrate.
291
00:12:46,828 --> 00:12:48,622
Perhaps Tahani should speak.
292
00:12:48,705 --> 00:12:53,251
She's had her share of failures recently.
Celebrating me could be therapeutic.
293
00:12:53,335 --> 00:12:56,922
Certainly. I can say something...
294
00:12:58,632 --> 00:12:59,966
but I have no idea what.
295
00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:02,677
Goodness, this is hard.
296
00:13:05,263 --> 00:13:08,517
Well done, Vicky.
That was quite good... for the system.
297
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,101
For me, it was rather traumatic.
298
00:13:10,185 --> 00:13:12,687
Okay. It's like her parents
were the chainsaw bear,
299
00:13:12,771 --> 00:13:16,399
but instead of chopping off her head,
they chopped off her self-esteem?
300
00:13:16,483 --> 00:13:18,151
Yes! Megan, good.
301
00:13:18,235 --> 00:13:19,653
Take what you know about them,
302
00:13:19,736 --> 00:13:22,197
and then force them
into moments of personal difficulty.
303
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:26,284
Think of it as, flattening the penises
of their heart.
304
00:13:26,368 --> 00:13:28,703
Oh! Now it makes sense.
305
00:13:28,787 --> 00:13:32,249
Why don't you go deeper into her file
and look for other ways to challenge her?
306
00:13:32,332 --> 00:13:33,458
No. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
307
00:13:33,542 --> 00:13:35,085
Slow down. Slow down, here.
308
00:13:35,168 --> 00:13:37,128
Vicky's example was fine.
309
00:13:37,212 --> 00:13:39,214
There was some good stuff there.
310
00:13:39,297 --> 00:13:43,385
But overall... uh, C-plus.
It was a C-plus, I'd say.
311
00:13:43,468 --> 00:13:44,886
There's some problems with it.
312
00:13:44,970 --> 00:13:47,514
Some technical issues that only I can see
and everything,
313
00:13:47,597 --> 00:13:50,183
so, basically, it actually kinda stunk.
314
00:13:50,267 --> 00:13:52,811
So, I think it's just best
if you leave, Vicky.
315
00:13:52,894 --> 00:13:54,771
This is not working. You're bad at this.
316
00:13:54,854 --> 00:13:56,523
C-plus. Okay, goodbye.
317
00:13:56,606 --> 00:14:00,068
Wow. Same old Michael,
just can't share the spotlight.
318
00:14:00,151 --> 00:14:01,653
Well, goodbye, everyone.
319
00:14:02,237 --> 00:14:03,405
That's a wrap on Vicky.
320
00:14:08,410 --> 00:14:10,412
Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
321
00:14:10,495 --> 00:14:13,540
Look, I know she did well
on the first test.
322
00:14:13,623 --> 00:14:16,793
But it's beginners' luck.
There's an X factor here.
323
00:14:16,876 --> 00:14:20,589
Uh, a secret sauce that only I truly know
how to...
324
00:14:21,464 --> 00:14:25,302
pour over the juicy steak of this process.
325
00:14:25,385 --> 00:14:27,637
I've never said this before, but... what?
326
00:14:27,721 --> 00:14:29,472
Not only is Vicky good
at test design,
327
00:14:29,556 --> 00:14:31,057
but she's good at teaching the others.
328
00:14:31,141 --> 00:14:33,143
Well, that's the problem.
She's moving too fast.
329
00:14:33,226 --> 00:14:35,228
We have to learn how to walk
before we can run.
330
00:14:35,312 --> 00:14:37,981
So first you thought it would take
forever, and now it's moving too fast.
331
00:14:38,064 --> 00:14:39,983
First of all, you know, uh, shut up.
332
00:14:40,066 --> 00:14:42,110
And second of all, just shut up.
333
00:14:42,193 --> 00:14:44,404
-It's obvious what's going on here.
334
00:14:44,487 --> 00:14:47,866
You don't want your nemesis
to be the one to solve your problem.
335
00:14:47,949 --> 00:14:48,783
I know that feeling.
336
00:14:48,867 --> 00:14:51,995
Once on Earth, I didn't know something,
and I had to ask Alexa.
337
00:14:52,746 --> 00:14:53,580
I felt dirty.
338
00:14:55,165 --> 00:14:56,833
No, that's not it.
339
00:14:59,252 --> 00:15:03,465
I'm upset, because for hundreds of years,
I've had a job.
340
00:15:03,548 --> 00:15:06,843
First, it was finding a better way
to torture humans,
341
00:15:06,927 --> 00:15:10,722
then helping them,
then proving the system was broken,
342
00:15:10,805 --> 00:15:12,307
then teaching the demons.
343
00:15:12,390 --> 00:15:16,519
I had to roll a rock up a hill,
over and over.
344
00:15:16,603 --> 00:15:19,522
And then it kept rolling down,
so I had to do it again.
345
00:15:19,606 --> 00:15:22,067
And then Vicky comes along with this...
346
00:15:22,984 --> 00:15:27,906
like, rock-lifter thing,
and just lifts it to the top of the hill.
347
00:15:27,989 --> 00:15:30,784
Pushing the rock up the hill
gave me a purpose.
348
00:15:31,785 --> 00:15:32,619
Who am I...
349
00:15:33,954 --> 00:15:35,830
if the rock's gone?
350
00:15:36,748 --> 00:15:39,542
Ironically, that's exactly
what Vin Diesel asked me
351
00:15:39,626 --> 00:15:42,712
when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear
in Fast & Furious 9.
352
00:15:43,713 --> 00:15:46,132
Not helpful? Copy that.
353
00:15:46,841 --> 00:15:50,261
Honestly, Michael, I don't know
what's to become of you,
354
00:15:50,345 --> 00:15:51,638
or any of us.
355
00:15:51,721 --> 00:15:55,350
But getting Vicky back is the best chance
to make your plan work now.
356
00:15:55,433 --> 00:15:59,270
So focus on that,
and deal with the future in the future.
357
00:16:01,272 --> 00:16:02,107
Hey...
358
00:16:02,607 --> 00:16:03,441
Um...
359
00:16:05,026 --> 00:16:08,446
I'm sorry I said that before, man.
360
00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:10,573
No, you were right.
361
00:16:10,657 --> 00:16:14,744
Janet and I are different.
Maybe it can't last.
362
00:16:15,245 --> 00:16:17,580
Maybe we're like
the Montagues and Capulets.
363
00:16:17,664 --> 00:16:18,707
How do you know that?
364
00:16:18,790 --> 00:16:22,043
I read some books, man! Jeez.
365
00:16:22,127 --> 00:16:23,712
All right, listen.
366
00:16:25,255 --> 00:16:28,049
Maybe on paper,
you and Janet don't make total sense,
367
00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:29,050
but who cares?
368
00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:32,637
The relationship you have built together
is wonderful.
369
00:16:32,721 --> 00:16:36,016
She knows you and loves you,
and that's all that matters.
370
00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:39,019
-Do you really believe that?
-Of course I do.
371
00:16:39,102 --> 00:16:41,312
Sucker!
372
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:45,025
-Sorry?
-I got you so bad.
373
00:16:45,108 --> 00:16:48,945
Dude, pretend what you just said
was what you said to you instead of to me.
374
00:16:49,029 --> 00:16:50,822
And you have to listen to yourself,
375
00:16:50,905 --> 00:16:53,658
because it was already in your own head,
and then came out.
376
00:16:53,742 --> 00:16:55,452
But just put it back in your head,
377
00:16:55,535 --> 00:17:00,248
and realize that it was you
talking about you and Eleanor.
378
00:17:00,999 --> 00:17:07,047
Against all odds, I know what you mean,
and I gotta give it up. That was...
379
00:17:07,672 --> 00:17:09,591
-That was good.
-Yeah, it was.
380
00:17:09,674 --> 00:17:11,509
Chess-mate.
381
00:17:17,098 --> 00:17:18,016
Hey!
382
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,476
There she is.
383
00:17:19,559 --> 00:17:23,855
-Where are you off to?
-I have an ice-cold yoga class.
384
00:17:23,938 --> 00:17:26,608
-It's amazing. You pull so many muscles.
-Yeah.
385
00:17:27,317 --> 00:17:28,193
What do you want?
386
00:17:29,402 --> 00:17:31,529
I'm sorry that I kicked you out.
387
00:17:31,613 --> 00:17:33,239
It wasn't about you.
388
00:17:33,323 --> 00:17:36,159
It was just my own insecurities
getting in the way.
389
00:17:37,118 --> 00:17:38,411
Will you please come back?
390
00:17:39,245 --> 00:17:40,288
No.
391
00:17:40,371 --> 00:17:43,083
I'm not gonna let myself
be degraded by you again.
392
00:17:43,166 --> 00:17:45,960
I am a strong, independent acid snake
393
00:17:46,044 --> 00:17:48,797
in the skinsuit
of a strong, independent woman.
394
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:49,839
Listen, listen, listen.
Uh...
395
00:17:51,925 --> 00:17:54,469
You were the best part
of my original neighborhood.
396
00:17:54,552 --> 00:17:57,013
I took you for granted,
and that was wrong.
397
00:17:57,972 --> 00:18:00,850
But now, I want to give you
the role of a lifetime.
398
00:18:01,684 --> 00:18:04,437
You're going to run the whole project.
399
00:18:04,521 --> 00:18:07,023
I'll give you all my plans and my notes,
400
00:18:07,107 --> 00:18:09,734
but then I'll step back
and you'll take over.
401
00:18:09,818 --> 00:18:12,153
Full creative control...
402
00:18:12,946 --> 00:18:13,780
like a director.
403
00:18:14,364 --> 00:18:16,241
-What do you say?
-Well, um...
404
00:18:17,242 --> 00:18:18,076
It sounds great.
405
00:18:18,159 --> 00:18:19,285
But it won't work.
406
00:18:19,369 --> 00:18:21,204
Everyone here hates you so much,
407
00:18:21,287 --> 00:18:23,957
if you just put me in control,
they'll think I'm your puppet.
408
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,292
I can't have any of your
dingleberry stank on me.
409
00:18:26,376 --> 00:18:29,879
I know.
That's why I'm not giving it to you.
410
00:18:30,755 --> 00:18:32,132
You're going to take it.
411
00:18:33,591 --> 00:18:34,759
Hey.
412
00:18:34,843 --> 00:18:41,558
So, uh, I was being stupid,
and Jason gave me some really good advice.
413
00:18:41,641 --> 00:18:42,892
Classic us.
414
00:18:42,976 --> 00:18:48,731
Look, who we were on Earth
is a tiny part of who we are,
415
00:18:48,815 --> 00:18:51,651
and an even smaller part
of who we are together.
416
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:53,903
So, I'm sorry for freaking out.
417
00:18:53,987 --> 00:18:56,531
But also,
someday, when we get to the Good Place,
418
00:18:56,614 --> 00:18:59,409
I'm gonna learn to play the guitar
so you don't get bored of me.
419
00:19:00,201 --> 00:19:01,536
I actually prefer drummers.
420
00:19:02,537 --> 00:19:03,705
Read my file.
421
00:19:06,207 --> 00:19:07,375
Sorry for the delay.
422
00:19:07,458 --> 00:19:09,752
Now, for this next phase of the training--
423
00:19:09,836 --> 00:19:13,047
-Stop right there.
-Vicky? I thought I got rid of you.
424
00:19:13,131 --> 00:19:16,134
And now you're coming
through the door unexpectedly?
425
00:19:16,217 --> 00:19:18,469
That's right. I'm launching a coup.
426
00:19:18,553 --> 00:19:22,098
My, my, my, we've got some history,
don't we?
427
00:19:22,182 --> 00:19:24,559
But I'm still standing, Mikey-boy.
428
00:19:24,642 --> 00:19:26,936
And right now, I'm taking over.
429
00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:29,981
Explain what you mean,
for me and everyone else.
430
00:19:30,064 --> 00:19:32,275
Oh, this is my training now. You're done.
431
00:19:32,358 --> 00:19:34,903
And all of these demons are behind me,
right, guys?
432
00:19:34,986 --> 00:19:38,948
-All right, Vicky. You win... this time.
433
00:19:39,032 --> 00:19:40,700
-Tahani, Janet, let's go.
- Huh.
434
00:19:40,783 --> 00:19:43,536
Well, no, but wait...
Wait, we're still fighting.
435
00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:47,290
And it's so heated
that, um, it might just erupt into...
436
00:19:48,458 --> 00:19:50,376
the dance battle from West Side Story?
437
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,254
No, I'm too upset about the coup thing.
438
00:19:53,838 --> 00:19:56,132
Hurry up. Before she starts singing.
439
00:19:57,550 --> 00:20:00,762
Welcome! Welcome, everyone!
Come on in.
440
00:20:00,845 --> 00:20:04,474
Good Place architects to my left,
Bad Place architects to my right.
441
00:20:04,557 --> 00:20:09,354
Get your files and orientation packets.
Classes begin in 30 minutes.
442
00:20:12,232 --> 00:20:16,486
Oh, also, my Movement
for Lava Monsters class is now full.
443
00:20:16,569 --> 00:20:18,404
Aw, man!
444
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,742
You got the rock up the hill,
and it looks like it's gonna stay there.
445
00:20:23,451 --> 00:20:24,953
Now, we just have to find your next rock.
446
00:20:26,496 --> 00:20:28,414
Well, the first bunch of neighborhoods
is up and running.
447
00:20:28,998 --> 00:20:30,166
What now?
448
00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:32,835
That's the sound
when someone gets into the Good Place.
449
00:20:32,919 --> 00:20:35,255
Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince.
450
00:20:35,338 --> 00:20:36,839
Honestly, if it wasn't Prince,
451
00:20:36,923 --> 00:20:38,466
this whole thing is screwed up
and we gotta start over.
452
00:20:39,050 --> 00:20:41,594
No. It's you guys.
453
00:20:42,804 --> 00:20:43,638
For real?
454
00:20:43,721 --> 00:20:47,308
The Judge agreed that the four of you
don't need to take the test.
455
00:20:47,392 --> 00:20:50,770
Turns out that saving every soul
in the universe
456
00:20:50,853 --> 00:20:52,438
is worth a few points.
457
00:20:52,522 --> 00:20:55,692
-You're in.
458
00:21:02,782 --> 00:21:05,326
No, I know. I know. It's real this time.
459
00:21:05,410 --> 00:21:06,244
I promise.
460
00:21:08,329 --> 00:21:09,163
Get in.
461
00:21:09,998 --> 00:21:10,999
Are you coming, too?
462
00:21:11,082 --> 00:21:12,834
Yeah. I figured I would.
463
00:21:13,584 --> 00:21:17,005
Recently unemployed. Might as well
do some traveling.
464
00:21:17,088 --> 00:21:17,922
Shall we?
465
00:21:22,176 --> 00:21:23,678
- Whoa!
466
00:21:28,099 --> 00:21:30,226
Foles!