1
00:00:10,031 --> 00:00:12,616
Ugh. All Janet voids are nothing,
2
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:16,996
but Neutral Janet voids
are, like, the most nothing.
3
00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:19,373
Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.
4
00:00:19,457 --> 00:00:22,084
Why not? The system's broken.
You guys proved it.
5
00:00:22,168 --> 00:00:24,879
I just wanna reboot the whole thing
and go back to my chambers.
6
00:00:24,962 --> 00:00:30,050
I am on Season Three of Justified,
and can I just tell you, it is so good!
7
00:00:30,134 --> 00:00:32,678
I, like, binged
all of Season Two in a day.
8
00:00:33,262 --> 00:00:36,098
Think of all the amazing human achievement
you'd be eliminating.
9
00:00:36,182 --> 00:00:38,893
The works of William Shakespeare,
the pyramids,
10
00:00:38,976 --> 00:00:40,394
-Timothy Olyphant...
11
00:00:40,478 --> 00:00:41,479
Oh, that one stings.
12
00:00:41,562 --> 00:00:45,024
There's like 50 gallons of man
in a ten-gallon hat.
13
00:00:45,107 --> 00:00:47,193
I'm like "Ooh"!
14
00:00:47,276 --> 00:00:50,905
Look, I'm the frickin' Judge,
and I made a frickin' ruling,
15
00:00:50,988 --> 00:00:56,535
and it's gonna frickin' happen, as soon as
I find the frickin' clicker thing!
16
00:00:56,619 --> 00:00:57,828
All right, what do I search for?
17
00:00:57,912 --> 00:01:02,166
"Humanity eraser button
garage door opener thingy Judge."
18
00:01:02,833 --> 00:01:03,876
Ugh!
19
00:01:06,128 --> 00:01:08,714
Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?
20
00:01:08,798 --> 00:01:11,300
These are my last words. End of words.
21
00:01:11,383 --> 00:01:13,135
Yes. Really boring.
22
00:01:13,636 --> 00:01:14,470
Bye!
23
00:01:15,679 --> 00:01:17,765
All right, who's next?
24
00:01:17,848 --> 00:01:20,267
Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.
25
00:01:20,351 --> 00:01:26,232
That is so interesting, because
last time I checked, I didn't have a dad.
26
00:01:26,315 --> 00:01:31,403
That's why I'm attracted to all the
father figures on the TV shows I watch.
27
00:01:31,487 --> 00:01:32,321
M'kay?
28
00:01:33,572 --> 00:01:34,949
We can't play keep-away forever.
29
00:01:35,032 --> 00:01:36,784
Keep trying. Get her to see the light.
30
00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:39,286
I already showed her the light.
She wasn't impressed.
31
00:01:39,370 --> 00:01:41,247
To be fair, she was there
when it was invented.
32
00:01:41,330 --> 00:01:42,790
-Hey, bud.
-Hi!
33
00:01:42,873 --> 00:01:45,543
I know you're trying to think
of ways to save every soul
34
00:01:45,626 --> 00:01:46,919
who's ever lived and whatnot, but...
35
00:01:47,586 --> 00:01:49,505
we may only have
a half hour left to exist,
36
00:01:49,588 --> 00:01:54,885
so I just wanted to check in with you,
vis-à-vis... us.
37
00:01:54,969 --> 00:01:56,929
Oh! Okay, yeah, cool.
38
00:01:57,012 --> 00:01:57,847
I love you.
39
00:01:58,347 --> 00:02:00,349
-Whoa! Really?
-Yeah.
40
00:02:01,058 --> 00:02:03,310
I love you. So, do you love me?
41
00:02:03,394 --> 00:02:04,353
Yeah, I do.
42
00:02:04,436 --> 00:02:06,188
Well, then, cool!
43
00:02:06,272 --> 00:02:08,691
-You and I are on our way to Coolsville.
44
00:02:08,774 --> 00:02:14,155
You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you,
but it's kind of doing it for me.
45
00:02:14,238 --> 00:02:15,489
Should we get out of here?
46
00:02:15,573 --> 00:02:17,992
No, but I like the confidence.
47
00:02:18,075 --> 00:02:20,202
When you have 1,000
different versions of yourself
48
00:02:20,286 --> 00:02:21,453
over multiple timelines
49
00:02:21,537 --> 00:02:23,873
fused and instantly placed
into your consciousness,
50
00:02:23,956 --> 00:02:25,624
it gives you a real sense of clarity.
51
00:02:25,708 --> 00:02:29,295
-You saw the Time Knife, huh?
-Yep, saw the Time Knife.
52
00:02:29,378 --> 00:02:31,046
-It was neat.
53
00:02:31,630 --> 00:02:34,341
Okay! Let's save humanity, shall we?
54
00:02:35,176 --> 00:02:37,636
Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard
55
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,973
and a copy of Judith Shklar's
Ordinary Vices? Oh!
56
00:02:41,056 --> 00:02:42,516
And maybe some warm pretzels?
57
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,603
If we goin' out, I'm goin' out
with a belly full of warm pretzels.
58
00:02:45,686 --> 00:02:46,562
Yummy, yum-yum.
59
00:02:47,354 --> 00:02:48,189
Yummy!
60
00:02:54,862 --> 00:02:58,574
Okay, before we try to completely redesign
the entire afterlife,
61
00:02:58,657 --> 00:03:02,620
has anyone just thought of a good reason
the Judge shouldn't cancel Earth?
62
00:03:02,703 --> 00:03:04,246
Because it would be a bummer.
63
00:03:04,330 --> 00:03:05,831
Yeah. We might need more than that.
64
00:03:05,915 --> 00:03:07,583
Are you at least gonna write it down?
65
00:03:08,584 --> 00:03:09,585
Yeah, all right.
66
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:14,381
Did you actually write it down
or did you just do a scribble-scrabble?
67
00:03:14,465 --> 00:03:15,966
Okay. We need to think bigger.
68
00:03:16,050 --> 00:03:18,636
We need to come up with
an entirely new afterlife system
69
00:03:18,719 --> 00:03:23,307
that both the Good and Bad Places
agree on, which... seems impossible.
70
00:03:23,390 --> 00:03:26,310
Nonsense. Compromise is always possible.
71
00:03:26,393 --> 00:03:30,356
I was once in Portofino with Bruno Mars,
LeBron James and Dr. Ruth Westheimer--
72
00:03:30,439 --> 00:03:31,815
We don't have time for this, babe.
73
00:03:31,899 --> 00:03:35,152
Fine. Long story short,
LeBron performed a successful tracheotomy,
74
00:03:35,235 --> 00:03:38,405
the song won multiple Grammys
and everyone was really happy.
75
00:03:38,489 --> 00:03:39,907
Well, now I wanna hear the story.
76
00:03:39,990 --> 00:03:41,784
No, you're right. Let's focus.
77
00:03:41,867 --> 00:03:45,120
So, in this essay,
"Putting Cruelty First,"
78
00:03:45,204 --> 00:03:48,999
Judith Shklar contends
that we should consider cruelty
79
00:03:49,083 --> 00:03:50,834
as society's primary flaw.
80
00:03:50,918 --> 00:03:52,878
I'm sorry, are you wearing roller skates?
81
00:03:53,462 --> 00:03:54,296
Yeah!
82
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:55,589
I got 'em from Disco Janet.
83
00:03:55,673 --> 00:03:56,507
Thanks, Disco Janet!
84
00:03:56,590 --> 00:03:57,424
Solid!
85
00:03:58,008 --> 00:03:58,926
Anyway, here's her point.
86
00:03:59,009 --> 00:04:00,803
Imagine someone sells a joint
87
00:04:00,886 --> 00:04:03,806
and then gets locked away
in a dangerous prison for years.
88
00:04:03,889 --> 00:04:06,934
The crime isn't cruel,
but the punishment is.
89
00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:07,893
That's a problem.
90
00:04:07,977 --> 00:04:08,811
Tell me about it.
91
00:04:08,894 --> 00:04:11,730
I once went to jail for a week
just because I stole a hot dog.
92
00:04:12,564 --> 00:04:14,108
Well, a hot dog-shaped car.
93
00:04:14,191 --> 00:04:15,609
I stole the Wienermobile.
94
00:04:15,693 --> 00:04:17,611
This is the problem
with the current system.
95
00:04:17,695 --> 00:04:19,488
Live anything less than
the most exemplary life,
96
00:04:19,571 --> 00:04:22,157
and you are brutally tortured forever,
with no recourse.
97
00:04:22,241 --> 00:04:23,784
The cruelty of the punishment
98
00:04:23,867 --> 00:04:26,954
does not match the cruelty
of the life that one has lived.
99
00:04:27,037 --> 00:04:28,872
Now, watch this spin.
100
00:04:30,457 --> 00:04:32,584
So, we need to come up with a system
101
00:04:32,668 --> 00:04:35,462
that will result in the least amount
of cruelty and suffering
102
00:04:35,546 --> 00:04:36,422
to those who don't deserve it.
103
00:04:36,505 --> 00:04:38,215
This is a problem of justice.
104
00:04:44,013 --> 00:04:47,850
Hearing you talk about
philosophical concepts of justice is sexy.
105
00:04:47,933 --> 00:04:49,351
-You wanna get out of here?
-Yes.
106
00:04:49,435 --> 00:04:50,811
No, keep going.
107
00:04:50,894 --> 00:04:52,730
-Ugh!
108
00:04:52,813 --> 00:04:54,648
Bad Janet voids are the worst.
109
00:04:55,232 --> 00:04:57,192
-Music off.
110
00:04:57,276 --> 00:04:58,402
Oh, right. I forgot.
111
00:04:58,485 --> 00:05:00,446
-Make it louder.
112
00:05:00,529 --> 00:05:02,698
What if you start humanity over
from scratch
113
00:05:02,781 --> 00:05:06,160
and humans evolve over millions of years
and they end up worse?
114
00:05:06,243 --> 00:05:09,955
What if they invent rap rock sooner
and it becomes the only kind of music?
115
00:05:10,039 --> 00:05:12,708
Do you really want to oversee
an entire world of Limp Bizkits,
116
00:05:12,791 --> 00:05:14,585
run by Emperor Kid Rock?
117
00:05:14,668 --> 00:05:15,669
Not my problem.
118
00:05:16,253 --> 00:05:17,921
All right, here we go.
119
00:05:18,005 --> 00:05:19,381
"Software update"?
120
00:05:19,465 --> 00:05:20,924
No. Cancel.
121
00:05:21,008 --> 00:05:22,009
Why is it doing it now?
122
00:05:22,593 --> 00:05:25,387
-Argh, this computer sucks.
123
00:05:29,892 --> 00:05:32,353
Okay, mama. See you in the next life.
124
00:05:32,436 --> 00:05:33,520
Before you marbleize me,
125
00:05:33,604 --> 00:05:36,732
can I just make one final statement
to summarize how I really feel?
126
00:05:36,815 --> 00:05:38,108
I think I know where this is going.
127
00:05:48,952 --> 00:05:51,914
Okay, Disco Janet. You're up.
128
00:05:51,997 --> 00:05:52,956
Outta sight.
129
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,333
What are you guys
still doing here?
130
00:05:54,416 --> 00:05:56,877
Just go back to Mindy's
and have a lukewarm beer,
131
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,170
and wait for me to end you there.
132
00:05:58,253 --> 00:05:59,671
Except for you, cookie-puss.
133
00:06:00,255 --> 00:06:02,257
I'll always make room for you.
134
00:06:04,093 --> 00:06:06,261
Wait a second... that's it.
135
00:06:06,345 --> 00:06:07,179
I agree.
136
00:06:07,262 --> 00:06:09,556
Chidi should hook up with the Judge
to get us out of trouble.
137
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:10,599
I've done that a bunch of times.
138
00:06:10,682 --> 00:06:11,850
It's called a Jacksonville Plea Bargain.
139
00:06:11,934 --> 00:06:13,936
No. Mindy's house.
140
00:06:14,019 --> 00:06:16,814
Eleanor always thought
there should be a Medium Place,
141
00:06:16,897 --> 00:06:19,983
for people who led medium lives.
That's the answer.
142
00:06:20,067 --> 00:06:22,152
We make the Medium Place a third option.
143
00:06:22,236 --> 00:06:23,237
Of course!
144
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,406
Maybe if you score
negative points on Earth, um...
145
00:06:26,490 --> 00:06:29,118
"Sorry, ya blew it.
Enjoy having your penis flattened."
146
00:06:29,201 --> 00:06:32,162
Over a million or whatever... party time!
147
00:06:32,246 --> 00:06:36,250
And everyone else in between
gets their own, personal Cincinnati.
148
00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:39,711
It's definitely less cruel than
the current system, but it's not great.
149
00:06:40,295 --> 00:06:42,631
It might be the best we can do,
given the circumstances.
150
00:06:42,714 --> 00:06:44,216
Let's try to sell it to the brass.
151
00:06:46,135 --> 00:06:46,969
Hello, all.
152
00:06:47,052 --> 00:06:50,097
Thought since the universe is ending,
you'd be less... cheery.
153
00:06:50,180 --> 00:06:53,809
Hard not to be cheery when you're eating
this delicious frozen yogurt.
154
00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:55,644
I got a small amount of each flavor.
155
00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:57,729
It's the only way to ensure
a mouthful of compromise.
156
00:06:57,813 --> 00:06:59,439
-You are so right.
-Well said!
157
00:06:59,523 --> 00:07:01,567
Shut up. Shut up.
158
00:07:01,650 --> 00:07:02,734
Hi.
159
00:07:02,818 --> 00:07:03,694
Shut up.
160
00:07:03,777 --> 00:07:04,945
I'm confident now.
161
00:07:05,028 --> 00:07:06,822
Sorry. We're just short on time.
162
00:07:06,905 --> 00:07:11,618
Look, we have a new idea about how humans
could be placed in the afterlife--
163
00:07:11,702 --> 00:07:13,162
We love it. We're in.
164
00:07:13,745 --> 00:07:14,788
You don't even want to hear it?
165
00:07:14,872 --> 00:07:16,790
Nope. If you guys came up with it,
it must be good.
166
00:07:16,874 --> 00:07:19,751
-Oh, yeah.
-Guys, they said yes. Let's take the win.
167
00:07:19,835 --> 00:07:21,503
Now, all we have to do is convince Shawn.
168
00:07:21,587 --> 00:07:22,588
I'll take the lead.
169
00:07:22,671 --> 00:07:25,048
If I can convince Dr. Ruth
not to sue Bruno Mars
170
00:07:25,132 --> 00:07:27,551
over songwriting credit on "Uptown Funk,"
I can handle this.
171
00:07:28,135 --> 00:07:30,179
Okay, you gotta tell me
that story on the way.
172
00:07:31,263 --> 00:07:34,766
So, anyone who doesn't meet the threshold
for the new Medium Place neighborhood
173
00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:35,893
is yours for the taking.
174
00:07:35,976 --> 00:07:38,437
The Bad Place still has
plenty of people to torture.
175
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,565
I have to admit, this does make sense,
176
00:07:41,648 --> 00:07:43,942
and I like that your side
is settling for a crappy deal,
177
00:07:44,026 --> 00:07:45,903
while my side stays mostly the same.
178
00:07:47,321 --> 00:07:49,239
What the hell? I'm in.
179
00:07:50,324 --> 00:07:52,659
-Really?
-No!
180
00:07:52,743 --> 00:07:54,286
You actually believed me?
181
00:07:54,369 --> 00:07:58,624
Dude, in 20 minutes, all of humanity
is going to be erased forever.
182
00:07:59,208 --> 00:08:01,668
-And?
-The Bad Place will get emptied out, too.
183
00:08:02,169 --> 00:08:05,881
You will have no one to torture
for billions of years. Everyone loses.
184
00:08:05,964 --> 00:08:08,884
Oh, I know, but here's the thing.
185
00:08:09,635 --> 00:08:14,223
I don't care if everyone loses,
as long as you lose.
186
00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:16,308
Shawn, listen to reason.
187
00:08:16,391 --> 00:08:17,226
Why should I?
188
00:08:17,309 --> 00:08:19,269
None of this would have happened
if you hadn't mucked around
189
00:08:19,353 --> 00:08:22,606
with your neighborhood and your new ideas.
190
00:08:22,689 --> 00:08:25,108
New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
191
00:08:25,192 --> 00:08:29,738
Shawn, you used to be cool,
but you've changed, man.
192
00:08:29,821 --> 00:08:32,449
I'm gonna go write an evil speech
for when this is all over.
193
00:08:32,533 --> 00:08:35,536
It is gonna be so... long.
194
00:08:38,288 --> 00:08:42,000
♪ You can ring my bell ♪
195
00:08:42,084 --> 00:08:43,377
Whoo!
196
00:08:49,883 --> 00:08:51,593
-Wait a second.
197
00:08:51,677 --> 00:08:52,678
What was I doing?
198
00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:55,472
I'll tell ya what you were doing.
You were tearin' up the dance floor.
199
00:08:55,556 --> 00:08:58,141
No. I was looking for
the stupid clicker thingy.
200
00:08:58,225 --> 00:09:00,561
Gah! Those infectious disco grooves!
201
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:02,854
So, wait, wait, wait.
202
00:09:02,938 --> 00:09:04,982
We have this amazing new idea
and Shawn is almost on board.
203
00:09:05,065 --> 00:09:07,693
Maybe if you talked to him,
you could nudge him towards an agreement.
204
00:09:07,776 --> 00:09:08,819
I don't take sides.
205
00:09:08,902 --> 00:09:13,031
I am the Judge. My only concerns
are fairness and impartiality.
206
00:09:14,575 --> 00:09:19,454
♪ Gonna erase the Earth
Erase the Earth ♪
207
00:09:20,038 --> 00:09:21,957
That song is really my jam.
208
00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:25,377
-Humanity eraser thingy.
209
00:09:29,965 --> 00:09:31,466
Well, later, skater.
210
00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:32,926
Keep on truckin'.
211
00:09:34,219 --> 00:09:35,053
Next!
212
00:09:35,137 --> 00:09:38,599
Even for a demon,
Shawn is being a real knob.
213
00:09:38,682 --> 00:09:41,476
Guys, I know what we have to offer him
to get him to change his mind.
214
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:42,477
What?
215
00:09:42,561 --> 00:09:46,815
Something he wants.
Once we figure that out, we're golden.
216
00:09:47,524 --> 00:09:48,525
It's pointless.
217
00:09:48,609 --> 00:09:52,279
He's so focused on beating us
that he's willing to burn everything down.
218
00:09:52,362 --> 00:09:54,031
There's nothing we can offer him.
219
00:09:54,114 --> 00:09:56,116
Actually, there is something he wants.
220
00:09:57,784 --> 00:09:58,619
Cruelty.
221
00:09:59,453 --> 00:10:00,704
So, let's give it to him.
222
00:10:07,919 --> 00:10:09,921
Hey, guys. Just smashing some stuff.
223
00:10:11,757 --> 00:10:12,966
-What's up?
-Listen, demon.
224
00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:14,468
We know how much you want us to lose.
225
00:10:14,551 --> 00:10:16,720
So, we volunteer to lose, permanently.
226
00:10:16,803 --> 00:10:20,515
If you agree to let the Judge establish
a real Medium Place...
227
00:10:21,141 --> 00:10:24,144
you can torture the four of us forever.
228
00:10:24,227 --> 00:10:25,896
-Really?
- Yeah.
229
00:10:25,979 --> 00:10:28,273
This is a classic trolley problem.
230
00:10:28,357 --> 00:10:31,401
One of your boys sets off a stink-bomb
on the trolley, causing a commotion,
231
00:10:31,485 --> 00:10:34,488
so the rest of the crew can pickpocket
people as they run off the train.
232
00:10:34,571 --> 00:10:37,449
That's very wrong,
but in a roundabout way,
233
00:10:37,532 --> 00:10:39,701
you kinda got where you needed to be.
234
00:10:39,785 --> 00:10:41,703
I'll even give you a head start
on my torture.
235
00:10:41,787 --> 00:10:43,455
I cannot pull off the mod look.
236
00:10:43,538 --> 00:10:44,706
You can take me, too.
237
00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:48,710
I couldn't live with myself knowing
you four were down there without me.
238
00:10:49,711 --> 00:10:52,589
Wow! This is a toughie.
239
00:10:52,673 --> 00:10:56,009
On one hand, I would love to get
some spiders in those buttholes.
240
00:10:56,093 --> 00:10:59,513
On the other, there'd be billions
of buttholes going completely un-spidered.
241
00:11:00,597 --> 00:11:03,558
How about this: everyone who dies
goes to the Bad Place
242
00:11:04,059 --> 00:11:05,977
and I get to torture all of you?
243
00:11:06,061 --> 00:11:07,229
Sounds good to us.
244
00:11:07,312 --> 00:11:08,814
No, dummies.
245
00:11:08,897 --> 00:11:12,025
That's already how it works,
except we're also tortured.
246
00:11:12,109 --> 00:11:13,944
Look, I put forward a proposal.
247
00:11:14,027 --> 00:11:15,821
Are you not even going to negotiate?
248
00:11:15,904 --> 00:11:18,156
He's got a point.
The fair thing for us to do is
249
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,076
just keep on giving up
more and more stuff we want, unilaterally,
250
00:11:21,159 --> 00:11:22,619
until this demon is finally happy.
251
00:11:22,702 --> 00:11:23,954
Fork this!
252
00:11:24,037 --> 00:11:26,748
If we're gonna lose,
let's lose on our own terms.
253
00:11:26,832 --> 00:11:31,420
Let's come up with a completely new idea
that actually makes the universe better.
254
00:11:31,503 --> 00:11:34,089
Amen. At least then
we can hold our heads high.
255
00:11:34,172 --> 00:11:36,174
Okay, we need to come up with
256
00:11:36,258 --> 00:11:38,760
-our ideal plan in about ten minutes.
257
00:11:38,844 --> 00:11:41,263
Guys, it's all come to this.
258
00:11:42,139 --> 00:11:44,015
Everything we've been through,
259
00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:48,979
the multiple lives you led on Earth,
all the lives you led here,
260
00:11:49,062 --> 00:11:51,648
all the ethics training and lessons,
261
00:11:51,731 --> 00:11:55,610
and journeys to the farthest corners
of the afterlife,
262
00:11:55,694 --> 00:11:59,573
all happened so that
we could be here, together,
263
00:11:59,656 --> 00:12:02,826
as the very best versions of ourselves,
264
00:12:02,909 --> 00:12:07,372
to solve the ultimate problem
in the nick of time.
265
00:12:07,456 --> 00:12:09,458
Cool speech. Now, it's nine minutes.
266
00:12:11,168 --> 00:12:13,295
Chidi, can you do this?
267
00:12:13,378 --> 00:12:16,298
Actually, what you just said,
"the very best versions of ourselves,"
268
00:12:16,381 --> 00:12:17,424
gave me an idea.
269
00:12:18,258 --> 00:12:20,177
Ha! Turns out it was a cool speech.
270
00:12:24,055 --> 00:12:25,056
Not in you, either.
271
00:12:25,140 --> 00:12:27,225
-I just have one thing left to say.
-Beh-beh-beh.
272
00:12:27,309 --> 00:12:29,811
-No--
-Not falling for that again.
273
00:12:31,354 --> 00:12:32,689
Man. She is committed.
274
00:12:34,024 --> 00:12:35,066
That just leaves you.
275
00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:37,444
Your Honor, we have an idea
we'd like to present.
276
00:12:37,527 --> 00:12:39,070
Not interested, stretch.
277
00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:42,616
How can we convince her of our plan
if she won't even listen?
278
00:12:42,699 --> 00:12:45,702
Well, if she's not gonna stay out here,
you gotta go in there.
279
00:12:45,785 --> 00:12:48,288
But that didn't really work great
last time.
280
00:12:48,371 --> 00:12:49,289
Yeah, it wasn't amazing,
281
00:12:49,372 --> 00:12:52,459
but she's gonna marbleize me in
two minutes, so we might as well try.
282
00:12:52,542 --> 00:12:53,502
Are we all gonna be...
283
00:12:54,336 --> 00:12:55,712
-you, again?
- I don't think so.
284
00:12:55,795 --> 00:12:57,964
Going through that once
changed me and all of you.
285
00:12:58,048 --> 00:13:00,258
But if the Judge wasn't going to
listen to us out here,
286
00:13:00,342 --> 00:13:02,719
what makes you think
she'll listen to us in there?
287
00:13:02,802 --> 00:13:04,971
I know one thing
that might keep her attention.
288
00:13:11,061 --> 00:13:11,895
Idiots.
289
00:13:16,274 --> 00:13:17,901
Oh, nuts!
290
00:13:18,652 --> 00:13:20,195
How did I fall for that?
291
00:13:20,278 --> 00:13:21,655
Please have a seat, Your Honor.
292
00:13:21,738 --> 00:13:24,449
I already told you, I am not interested.
293
00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,826
Give me one reason
why I should hear you out.
294
00:13:26,910 --> 00:13:27,744
Okay.
295
00:13:28,328 --> 00:13:29,287
Here he is.
296
00:13:31,748 --> 00:13:32,582
Ma'am.
297
00:13:36,419 --> 00:13:39,130
You made me an Olyphant?
298
00:13:39,214 --> 00:13:41,758
I think you should hear them out, Judge.
Only seems fair.
299
00:13:42,425 --> 00:13:43,885
Yeah, you're probably right.
300
00:13:43,969 --> 00:13:45,554
Well played, Janet.
301
00:13:45,637 --> 00:13:49,683
I don't mind taking in the view
when the scenery is so pretty.
302
00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:52,227
-Aw!
-Oh, I should call Shawn for this.
303
00:13:53,562 --> 00:13:54,938
Aw, man!
304
00:13:55,021 --> 00:13:57,440
I had just gotten all the puppies
to climb into the cannon.
305
00:13:57,524 --> 00:13:58,567
All right.
306
00:13:59,150 --> 00:14:00,485
Floor is yours.
307
00:14:00,569 --> 00:14:02,445
So, the problem with the afterlife
308
00:14:02,529 --> 00:14:05,991
is not only that it's cruel,
but that it's final.
309
00:14:06,074 --> 00:14:09,494
You get one shot on Earth, and regardless
of the context of your life,
310
00:14:09,578 --> 00:14:12,831
you're placed somewhere,
usually the Bad Place, forever,
311
00:14:12,914 --> 00:14:14,874
with no chance for redemption.
312
00:14:14,958 --> 00:14:18,587
My neighborhood was built to
torture humans, but it made them better.
313
00:14:18,670 --> 00:14:22,465
We want to create a system
that works that way intentionally,
314
00:14:22,549 --> 00:14:25,844
a system designed to give people
a fighting chance.
315
00:14:25,927 --> 00:14:26,970
-In time--
- Huh?
316
00:14:27,888 --> 00:14:29,139
-Interesting.
- Oh.
317
00:14:29,806 --> 00:14:31,099
Why don't you walk us through it?
318
00:14:31,892 --> 00:14:33,351
Yeah, we're gonna, man. Just chill.
319
00:14:33,435 --> 00:14:38,398
Your time on Earth won't be
a test that you either pass or fail,
320
00:14:38,481 --> 00:14:42,819
but instead a class you take,
and the test will come in the afterlife.
321
00:14:42,903 --> 00:14:44,404
The first part stays the same.
322
00:14:44,487 --> 00:14:48,283
You live your life, screw up
a bunch of stuff, like, a lot of stuff,
323
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:53,288
to the point where people are like,
"This is messed up, even for Florida."
324
00:14:53,371 --> 00:14:55,999
But you can't hear them,
because you fell into the swamp
325
00:14:56,082 --> 00:14:59,044
trying to spray-paint a Taco Bell logo
on a snapping turtle.
326
00:14:59,961 --> 00:15:01,087
Uh, we rest our case, Your Honor.
327
00:15:01,171 --> 00:15:02,756
-No! No, we--
-No, no, no. No, we don't.
328
00:15:02,839 --> 00:15:04,174
We barely started.
329
00:15:04,257 --> 00:15:07,886
Uh, so, when you die,
you still have a points total,
330
00:15:07,969 --> 00:15:11,681
but in the new system, that number
will serve as a sort of baseline
331
00:15:11,765 --> 00:15:16,353
to determine how hard or easy
your test is.
332
00:15:16,436 --> 00:15:18,897
Sorry, I'm just trying
to play catch-up here.
333
00:15:19,397 --> 00:15:21,900
Who's designing these tests, exactly?
334
00:15:21,983 --> 00:15:26,821
A Good Place architect and
a Bad Place architect will work together
335
00:15:26,905 --> 00:15:30,617
to design a scenario to make you confront
your moral shortcomings.
336
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:35,538
Like Eleanor's selfishness, Jason's
impulsivity, Chidi's indecisiveness
337
00:15:35,622 --> 00:15:37,916
and my complete inability
to carry off a mod look.
338
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,919
-That's not--
-I know I have other faults,
339
00:15:41,002 --> 00:15:42,545
but that is a big one.
340
00:15:42,629 --> 00:15:44,047
The test could be anything.
341
00:15:44,130 --> 00:15:46,925
Maybe you show up and you're told
you're in the Good Place,
342
00:15:47,008 --> 00:15:48,760
but you know that it's a mistake.
343
00:15:48,843 --> 00:15:51,763
Maybe the test
looks just like your regular life
344
00:15:51,846 --> 00:15:54,099
or a twisted version of your life.
345
00:15:54,683 --> 00:15:56,851
You're presented with these challenges.
346
00:15:56,935 --> 00:16:02,565
You do well or badly, but at the end,
you're given a sort of evaluation.
347
00:16:02,649 --> 00:16:05,694
Yeah, and the architects explain
what you did badly, what you did well,
348
00:16:05,777 --> 00:16:08,446
and then you get rebooted,
and do it again,
349
00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:11,408
and again and again until you ace it.
350
00:16:11,491 --> 00:16:13,326
-In the new--
-Oh, hang on.
351
00:16:13,410 --> 00:16:18,373
It seems to me, if y'all get rebooted,
your memories'll be wiped out.
352
00:16:18,456 --> 00:16:19,666
How are you ever gonna learn anything
353
00:16:19,749 --> 00:16:21,501
if you're always
having to start from scratch?
354
00:16:21,584 --> 00:16:23,878
- Mmm-hmm.
-Good point, Timothy Olyphant.
355
00:16:23,962 --> 00:16:25,547
-Tim's fine.
-'Kay, great.
356
00:16:25,630 --> 00:16:28,758
In the new system,
you will retain a vague memory
357
00:16:28,842 --> 00:16:31,636
of what you learned
in the evaluation sessions.
358
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,099
That information, what you did well
or badly, stays with you, like...
359
00:16:37,434 --> 00:16:39,227
Like a little voice in your head,
360
00:16:39,310 --> 00:16:41,688
helping you become
a better version of yourself.
361
00:16:41,771 --> 00:16:43,815
Okay, that helps. Thank you.
362
00:16:44,399 --> 00:16:46,735
So, our guess is that
with enough chances,
363
00:16:46,818 --> 00:16:50,280
people will eventually make enough good
choices to qualify for the Good Place,
364
00:16:50,363 --> 00:16:52,282
and maybe some never will,
365
00:16:52,365 --> 00:16:54,701
but that's okay,
because everyone gets a fair shot.
366
00:16:54,784 --> 00:16:57,495
Hold the phone.
What are my demons doing this whole time?
367
00:16:57,579 --> 00:17:00,749
I have millions of lava monsters
down there who'll be out of a job.
368
00:17:00,832 --> 00:17:04,377
I ask you, into whose throats
are they supposed to pour lava?
369
00:17:04,461 --> 00:17:07,797
Well, bad news is,
no more throat lava or penis flattenings.
370
00:17:07,881 --> 00:17:10,425
Then, what are we doing to their penises?
371
00:17:10,508 --> 00:17:12,135
Well, largely ignoring them.
372
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,472
You guys are hearing this.
I'm not crazy, right?
373
00:17:15,555 --> 00:17:16,723
No, I mean, it's a fair question.
374
00:17:16,806 --> 00:17:18,558
Whose side are you on, man?
375
00:17:18,641 --> 00:17:21,061
I don't have a dog in this fight,
little lady.
376
00:17:21,144 --> 00:17:22,604
I'm just looking for clarity.
377
00:17:22,687 --> 00:17:24,147
Shawn, you'll all still have jobs.
378
00:17:24,230 --> 00:17:27,567
Bad Place architects
help design the tests.
379
00:17:27,650 --> 00:17:30,153
Rank and file demons, they'll play roles,
380
00:17:30,236 --> 00:17:32,489
just like they did
in my original neighborhood.
381
00:17:32,572 --> 00:17:34,657
And remember how much fun
you had playing the Judge?
382
00:17:35,325 --> 00:17:37,118
I don't know, guys.
You think this'll work?
383
00:17:37,202 --> 00:17:38,995
It sort of already has.
384
00:17:39,079 --> 00:17:44,000
Chidi just had 800 versions of himself
stuffed into his soul at the same time.
385
00:17:44,084 --> 00:17:47,212
I mean, he's a new man.
He's way cooler now.
386
00:17:47,295 --> 00:17:50,590
Uh, I liked the old version, too,
but not as much.
387
00:17:50,673 --> 00:17:52,092
It's not just Chidi, Your Honor.
388
00:17:52,175 --> 00:17:53,885
When I started
in Michael's first neighborhood,
389
00:17:53,968 --> 00:17:57,138
I was nothing more than
a PalmPilot in a cool vest,
390
00:17:57,222 --> 00:17:58,598
but look at me now.
391
00:17:58,681 --> 00:18:01,184
I can hold four humans in my void
392
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:04,104
and conjure Timothy Olyphant
in the blink of an eye.
393
00:18:04,187 --> 00:18:08,024
Getting rebooted over and over made me
a better not-a-person than I've ever been.
394
00:18:08,525 --> 00:18:10,401
Humans should get the same opportunity.
395
00:18:13,071 --> 00:18:13,947
Well?
396
00:18:18,284 --> 00:18:21,412
Hmm.
397
00:18:21,496 --> 00:18:22,497
Pass!
398
00:18:23,832 --> 00:18:25,917
Well, guys,
I really thought you had it.
399
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,045
It has been a genuine pleasure, sweetie.
400
00:18:29,838 --> 00:18:30,880
Oh.
401
00:18:34,926 --> 00:18:40,723
♪ Gonna erase the Earth
Erase the Earth ♪
402
00:18:42,308 --> 00:18:45,103
I hid the clicker as far away as possible,
but we are seconds away.
403
00:18:45,186 --> 00:18:46,563
I'm so sorry, guys.
404
00:18:46,646 --> 00:18:47,689
Where did Shawn go?
405
00:18:47,772 --> 00:18:50,108
Oh, don't bother.
He's just toying with us.
406
00:18:50,191 --> 00:18:52,735
I know. That's what gives me hope.
407
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,699
Had to do it one last time
before all this goes away for good.
408
00:18:57,782 --> 00:19:01,202
-So, what are you offering me now?
-Nothing. It's over.
409
00:19:01,286 --> 00:19:03,454
-That was our last idea.
410
00:19:03,538 --> 00:19:04,372
Good.
411
00:19:04,956 --> 00:19:06,749
Soon, all your precious humans
will be gone.
412
00:19:07,876 --> 00:19:09,586
Yeah. It's too bad.
413
00:19:10,879 --> 00:19:14,132
Well, congrats, bud. You won.
See you in a billion years.
414
00:19:15,258 --> 00:19:17,969
When humans evolve again, I'll be
right back at your throat, you traitor!
415
00:19:18,553 --> 00:19:20,430
I mean, yeah, I know.
416
00:19:20,513 --> 00:19:23,183
That's why I said,
"See you in a billion years."
417
00:19:23,266 --> 00:19:24,100
Wait.
418
00:19:25,143 --> 00:19:26,519
I'm gonna do the evil speech now.
419
00:19:26,603 --> 00:19:27,562
If you want.
420
00:19:30,607 --> 00:19:31,774
"Since the dawn of time,
421
00:19:31,858 --> 00:19:34,694
good and evil have waged a furious battle,
stemming from..."
422
00:19:34,777 --> 00:19:36,446
This feels stupid
if you're not gonna fight back.
423
00:19:36,529 --> 00:19:39,574
How do you not have another plan?
You've always had another plan.
424
00:19:39,657 --> 00:19:41,034
What's wrong, Shawn?
425
00:19:44,204 --> 00:19:45,246
Okay, fine.
426
00:19:45,747 --> 00:19:47,207
You're gonna make me admit it.
427
00:19:47,707 --> 00:19:49,918
Fighting you is the most fun
I've ever had.
428
00:19:50,001 --> 00:19:50,877
I mean, you know.
429
00:19:51,461 --> 00:19:52,962
You corkscrew your first eyeball,
and you're like,
430
00:19:53,046 --> 00:19:56,132
"Man, I can't believe
they're paying me to do this!"
431
00:19:56,216 --> 00:20:00,053
But by the trillionth, it's like,
"I should have just been a teacher."
432
00:20:00,637 --> 00:20:03,890
And then you go and get the warm fuzzies
about your little humans, and something...
433
00:20:04,682 --> 00:20:05,642
something changed.
434
00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:07,810
I was having fun again.
435
00:20:10,063 --> 00:20:12,065
I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.
436
00:20:12,649 --> 00:20:13,524
I know, buddy.
437
00:20:14,025 --> 00:20:18,196
It's hard when things end,
but one way or the other, this is over.
438
00:20:18,947 --> 00:20:21,407
The only question is, what's next?
439
00:20:23,159 --> 00:20:27,789
I heard your speech at Demon-Con.
You know this system stinks.
440
00:20:27,872 --> 00:20:31,417
You wouldn't have let me try the original
experiment if things were working.
441
00:20:32,293 --> 00:20:33,795
Let's try a new way.
442
00:20:34,379 --> 00:20:35,380
Together.
443
00:20:40,343 --> 00:20:41,678
Okay, finally.
444
00:20:41,761 --> 00:20:45,181
For the last time,
I, the Judge of the afterlife--
445
00:20:45,265 --> 00:20:47,016
-Hang on, Your Honor.
-Argh!
446
00:20:47,517 --> 00:20:48,559
Are you kidding me?
447
00:20:48,643 --> 00:20:51,604
Can't a gal just end
all of humanity one time
448
00:20:51,688 --> 00:20:54,107
without everyone getting
all up on her junk?
449
00:20:54,190 --> 00:20:57,402
-What is it, man?
-Shawn has agreed to our proposal.
450
00:20:57,485 --> 00:20:59,904
-Wait, seriously?
- In principle, yes.
451
00:21:00,488 --> 00:21:02,282
-Still some kinks to work in.
-Out.
452
00:21:02,365 --> 00:21:04,158
Out. Sorry, old habits.
453
00:21:04,242 --> 00:21:06,494
But I think we can find a way
to make it work.
454
00:21:06,577 --> 00:21:07,412
Guys, watch this!
455
00:21:07,495 --> 00:21:09,622
- Jason!
- No, no, no.
456
00:21:10,581 --> 00:21:12,667
Sorry. Jeez!
457
00:21:13,334 --> 00:21:14,669
Okay, well...
458
00:21:14,752 --> 00:21:20,258
assuming we are redesigning the entire
afterlife according to this plan,
459
00:21:21,342 --> 00:21:22,552
what do we do first?
460
00:21:25,722 --> 00:21:29,058
Oh, don't look at me.
I'm... I'm just the idea guy.