Not in this Janet. Next!
What are you waiting for? Do it.
It's not that easy.
He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives,
then a second life, then a second afterlife,
then a third first afterlife...
His psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep chili.
I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place, in the right order.
Maybe I just start him at the beginning. A full factory reset.
Man. Janet, can I please have a drink with a lot of alcohol in it?
Here, I saved this from my funeral. It's called a Duval Ditchwater.
It's Midori, Coffee-Mate and ditch water!
-I'll get you a margarita. -Yeah, that sounds better.
It's not! Seriously, try this.
-Okay, here we go. - Whoa--
Ooh.
He has your eyes.
And your smile.
-Now, he just needs a name. - Big decision.
-How about Chidi? - Oh, I like that.
Do you like it, Chidi? Or would you like a different name?
- Oh.
Looks like he has a tummyache.
Oh.
Chidi.
You're not listening to me. Everything always has to be your way.
And what is the one right way then?
I mean, how many times have I told you this?
I thought this is what you wanted.
No! It's obviously what you want.
You're just angry that your book was rejected.
How dare you bring that up again?
You're always at the university.
How about you show some interest in someone who didn't die 200 years ago?
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
We need to go back to Nigeria.
No, we are not going back.
My family is here and we did this for your career.
- Oh.
-Good morning, Chidi. -Would you like some breakfast?
I have a presentation.
Here's the syllabus. Take one and pass them on.
My lecture will take approximately 55 minutes.
Let's begin, shall we?
In conclusion, there is one clear answer,
and it's that the two of you should stay married.
Questions?
That was clear... and persuasive.
And you have made a strong case.
Yes, well-argued. Better than some of my grad students.
You should get ready for school. I'll take you.
We'll both take you.
- It worked? -Perfectly.
They're happy again, Uzo.
They're even talking about getting me a puppy.
But more importantly, I proved once and for all
that you can always find the answer.
-The answer to what? -To anything. Every problem has an answer.
If you just read enough books and think hard enough,
you can figure out the answer to any question.
I know you're really smart, but that sounds wrong.
Children? Please take your seats.
Here's a perfect example. Where to sit? What's the answer?
Obviously, we want to be back by the pencil sharpener,
but in the front, I can see the blackboard better,
or by the door to get a nice breeze?
-Chidi? - Just hang on.
Sorry.
Oh, no.
I still say Professor Lindeman was a fool to abandon Chidi.
He has a brilliant mind.
One day, he will use it to solve the world's biggest problems.
Is this enough cheese? I hope this is enough cheese.
There's sheep, goat and cow's milk.
-I can run and get more. -No, this is plenty of cheese.
I have to ask, has Chidi always been so thoughtful?
Ever since he was a child.
I'm sure you've heard about his first great lecture?
Oh, no, not that old story again. It's so embarrassing.
-Oh. Go ahead.
A long time ago, Emeka and I were going through a rough patch.
And our little Chidi, at eight years old, comes in with a one-hour lecture.
All about why we should stay married.
And all these years later, here we still are.
-It's the reason I got into philosophy. - Hmm.
The biggest questions and the biggest answers. You just gotta find them.
I mean, I love philosophy, too.
But I'd argue that, say,
theoretical physics presents bigger questions than philosophy.
Do you really think that?
Should I switch to physics?
So, obviously, my parents loved you.
I'm so glad. They're great.
We have to break up.
Uh...
What? Why?
I've been feeling this way for a while now.
It's just... why are we together?
Because it makes sense. I mean, you like Kant, I like Kant...
-We're not a book group. -Well, we're not... not a book group.
Okay, if there's a problem with our relationship,
there is an answer that will solve it.
So, let's hit the library.
You wanna use philosophy? How about David Hume?
"Reason is and ought only to be a slave to the passions."
You know, emotions, desires, feelings.
-Do you have any of those? -Of course I have feelings.
I have strong feelings for you and what we have.
And right now, I will show you...
how Kant refuted most of Hume's central theses.
Oh, my God.
- So, what do you think? -I think it's 3,600 pages.
I have a job, Chidi. I have a family.
Until I had to read this, I had a will to live.
This work is an insane, tangled web of inscrutability.
In the fun, "grad students will analyze this for centuries" way?
No, in the Unabomber way.
Okay. Well, um, I'll write my way out of the maze.
I'll re-outline the middle chapters, do more research--
No, Chidi!
You can't answer every question every philosopher has ever asked.
So, what in these pages do you care about?
-All of it. Equally. -Shut up!
-But-- Should I-- -Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
The greatest works of moral philosophy are emotional.
They make an argument about how the world is and ought to be.
There is a great mind at work in here, but where is the heart?
Where are the guts?
I understand. I do.
So, I'm going to go home, and compose a short paper for you,
arguing that I should continue working on this longer paper.
Shut up!
Wow. Tough week. Sorry, pal.
Honestly, I don't know what hurts more, my thesis meeting or Allesandra.
She was brilliant, and funny...
I thought that maybe she was the answer.
Some things in life don't have an answer.
Isn't that what Allesandra was saying?
Isn't that what your advisor said, too?
Isn't that what everyone who knows you has said to you
at every waking moment of your life?
Okay, I can figure this out.
I just need to find the answer for how to impress Allesandra,
a separate answer for how to impress my advisor
or, ideally, one answer for how to impress them both.
-Oh, you know what this calls for? -Don't say it.
-A Venn diagram. Yeah. -No Venn diagram.
If you won't listen to other people, do you at least hear what you're saying?
I swear, sometimes it is literally...
...impossible to be your friend.
You're incapable of making a single decision.
Look, what's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfect...
Chidi? Come on in.
Unless you'd be more comfortable out here?
Oh.
Well, I feel like you want me to...
I'll tell you what, I'll decide for you. Come on in.
Great.
Watch this.
Your fridge chooses your breakfast for you.
Oatmeal and almond milk.
Extra filmy. You don't even have to decide.
It just knows what you want.
And for all your other requests...
Janet?
-Hi, there.
Janet knows the answers to all the questions in the universe.
Ask her anything.
Which answer do I want?
Something profound, obviously. Shouldn't be trivial or salacious.
Or maybe I should start small, maybe ramp up.
I... or... I can't...
-What's the biggest fish? -The whale shark.
Cool.
I'm sorry. I'll have better questions later.
You don't need to apologize, Chidi. All questions are equally important to me.
Oh, well, then, you and I are gonna get along great.
I need to go welcome some more residents.
Are there any other questions I can answer for you before I go?
Well, yes. Is there a relationship equivalent to the oatmeal?
Uh...
-Is there a, sort of... -Soulmate?
Yes.
Every person in the Good Place has one perfect match.
In an hour, come on by the little house that looks like a face,
and get the answer to your ultimate question.
Her name's Eleanor.
Oh, man. Remember this?
Yeah! Yeah, that was eight minutes ago.
Mmm-hmm.
So, you just proposed to Janet,
-and you said yes, and now you're married. - Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, I thought saying that out loud would make it less insane, but it did not.
Thanks, homie.
If you'd like to get us a present, we're registered at me.
Jason, I think I need your help. Can I ask you something?
Whoa. No one's ever asked me for advice before.
And you're a high school principal.
College professor.
Who told you how to do this?
How can you just make a decision this big?
Chidi, here's the thing with stuff.
You can look at a problem from every angle and drive yourself crazy,
but sometimes you just gotta huck a Molotov cocktail at a drone
and see what happens.
Is what happens that the drone blows up?
Usually.
I mean, where I'm from, most things blow up eventually.
So I learned that when something dope comes along, you gotta lock it down.
If you're always frozen in fear,
and taking too long to think about what to do,
you'll miss your opportunity,
and maybe get sucked into the propeller of a swamp boat.
I just don't think I'll ever be the kind of person who just... acts.
I mean, I can't just open a door and walk through
without knowing what's on the other side.
Even with eternity to try, I just don't think that can happen.
Well, I never thought I'd ever be able to get married.
I thought I was too old.
I'm infinity, but strange things happen in the afterlife.
We figured it out once. We can do it again.
Because you know what, Michael?
-Ya basic--
This is your soulmate, Salamasina.
Meet your soulmate, Guan-yin.
Tahani. Karen.
Esmerelda, you don't bring knives to a friendly game night.
I mean, who does that?
The prepared.
Chidi, Esmerelda, it's your turn!
Blood. Seas of blood.
Enemies.
Uh...
A thousand years of darkness.
-Uh... Nightmares. -Blood. Ennui?
Lamenting the inexorable passage of time. Fire and blood.
-Ugh! You fool.
It was "birthday parties."
"Birthday parties"?
These trivialities demean me. I must away and tend to my ravens.
Well, you never know what'll happen at game night.
Let's continue.
I think I can find you another partner.
Tahani, thank you so much.
That ended up being one of the best nights I've had since we got here.
You and Eleanor made a good pair.
You two really tore through that round of charades.
Oh, I'm pretty sure she was reading the cards off the reflection in my glasses,
but, yeah, that was amazing.
Um...
-Can I ask you something? -Hmm.
Tonight could've been a real disaster.
How do you have the confidence to just swoop in
and so elegantly take charge of a whole group of strangers?
Honestly, the confidence comes from failure.
I've thrown my fair share of disastrous gatherings.
Remind me to tell you someday about Timothée Chalamet's bar mitzvah.
But you live through the failure and you learn from it.
Yeah, I just can't operate that way.
I can't make a decision unless I'm sure I'm right.
Hey, Chidi. You're a philosophy professor, right?
Any chance you'd want to grab a drink and talk about ethics?
It's a subject I've recently needed to learn about, immediately.
-Sounds great. Uh, let me get my coat. - Awesome.
By the way, I wasn't cheating before... or eavesdropping just now.
Whoo!
When we started three months ago,
I never thought I'd get so into philosophy that we'd study past midnight.
Esmerelda must be wondering where her soulmate is.
-Ah. She's off in her aviary. -Oh.
Sometimes, I think her ravens are her real soulmate.
I'm not kidding, actually.
You should see her with them. It's intense.
And if I'm being honest, sexually charged.
Anyways. Um... This has been fun as always--
Uh...
What was... Why did you...
Who was it?
Okay, I'll take those one at a time, I guess. Um...
It was a kiss.
I did it because I wanted to.
And as far as who it was, it was me, weirdo.
Eleanor, I have a soulmate.
Yeah, and you're not into her at all.
I mean, come on. There is no way you're supposed to spend eternity
with a woman who sleeps in a giant nest.
I know she and I are in a rough patch,
but we just have to find the answer for how to get out of it.
Like my parents.
You remember that story I told you about my parents?
Yeah, I don't think that story is as cute as you think it is, man.
I mean, I'm sure you were cute, you know, big melon head and a little necktie.
But that moment? Woof, that's too much to put on an eight-year-old.
I kinda wish cute little Chidi just got to be a kid,
rather than a miniature professor trying to solve all the world's problems.
Well, but... living that way led me to philosophy.
And, sure, I was written up in a medical journal
as the youngest person ever with a stress-induced ulcer,
but I got into the Good Place.
So, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna take a second to think about what I owe my universe-approved soulmate,
and not just, uh, make out with you.
Okay, man. Kiss rescinded.
We'll just study, like two platonic nerds, until Michael discovers me,
or until Esmerelda turns me into a toad with her magic amulet,
because she can see that we're obviously into each other.
Oh. Sorry you got an actual human being instead of your true soulmate...
-a library cart full of damp saltines.
You are unbelievable.
I don't know what I did...
-...to deserve you.
Believe it, baby. I'm all yours.
At least until something better comes along.
For me. You've pretty much topped out.
- You okay? -No!
I have to give Michael a new draft of my thesis and I'm a mess.
Will you help me?
Woof! You want my help with philosophy? You must be in rough shape.
-I mean, yes, of course.
I'm here for you. What do you need?
I need someone to help guide me, morally speaking.
And I think I need it to be you.
There's a real possibility that I'm in love with you again,
here, on this plane of existence, uh, today, now.
We found each other before, hundreds of times.
We can do it again.
Bye, Chidi.
You sure you want to do this?
I finally make up my mind about one damn thing
and you try to talk me out of it?
I'm sure.
Can I ask you a question?
Soulmates aren't real, are they?
Chidi, in all honesty, I don't know. But I don't think so.
I knew what you expected to find when you got here: answers.
Also, if I recall from your file, a magic blackboard?
One that anticipates your lesson flow. That is the dream.
But mostly you wanted answers.
The "soulmate" one in particular.
So, I used it to torture you.
Which, again, sorry.
If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made.
People meet, they get a good feeling
and then they get to work, building a relationship.
Like your parents.
They didn't magically stay together because you proved they should.
It wasn't my logic or my presentation.
It was the feeling they got watching me,
this scared little kid, telling them that he needed them.
And it was also what you made them remember.
They loved each other.
Sometimes, people forget.
You reminded them of what they already had.
It convinced them to go to counseling.
I never knew they went to counseling.
Yeah, kids are idiots.
If they knew half the stuff their folks were up to, they'd lose their minds.
Turns out, life isn't a puzzle that can just be solved one time and it's done.
You wake up every day and you solve it again.
Terribly inefficient.
Ah, what a time to learn.
Can you give me a second?
-Janet? -Hi, there.
Hi.
Uh, can I have a pen and some paper?
I don't know if I'll see you again, or what I'll remember if I do,
but if we do cross paths again, sometime, somewhere...
can you get this back to me?
Of course.
I'm ready.
Hi, there, Chidi.
Welcome back.
Is he all right? Did you break him?
Hey, buddy. How you doing?
Man, I'm doin' great.
Hey, so, for the past 300 years, have I been super annoying?
Oh, no...
- No, I wouldn't say... No, no. - Well, not extremely...
- Yes. - Well, thank you,
all of you, for everything you've done for me.
You are wonderful people.
Yeah, man, that's great, but, um, listen, we have one hour to create
an entirely new afterlife and, uh, also save all of humanity,
and we were wondering if you could do your Chidi thing and find us the answer?
Oh, well, Eleanor, this kind of thing doesn't have just one answer.
There might be 800.
There could be zero. Who knows?
The journey is the destination, right?
Let's get to work. Can you give me one second?
Hey, uh, Janet? Can I have my note, please?
If you know that you wrote a note then you know what it says.
I do, uh, but I'd still like to see it again, please.
I think it might be some of the best writing I've ever done.