1
00:00:16,871 --> 00:00:19,248
Well, that's just... that's uncomfortable.
2
00:00:20,332 --> 00:00:21,208
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
3
00:00:21,292 --> 00:00:22,626
"What's up?"
4
00:00:23,210 --> 00:00:26,005
Tell us what happened.
Did we win? Did we lose?
5
00:00:26,088 --> 00:00:27,548
Is humanity saved forever?
6
00:00:27,631 --> 00:00:30,217
And did you find my Nintendo?
I can't find it any... Whoop!
7
00:00:30,718 --> 00:00:32,219
Never mind. I'm holding it.
8
00:00:32,303 --> 00:00:34,638
Sorry. I can't reveal the results
of the experiment
9
00:00:34,722 --> 00:00:35,931
until we get to the Judge's chambers.
10
00:00:36,015 --> 00:00:37,016
Okay. Where is everyone?
11
00:00:37,099 --> 00:00:39,143
Where's Simone, and John and Brent,
12
00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:41,604
and actually I don't care about
any of those doofs. Where's Chidi?
13
00:00:41,687 --> 00:00:42,855
Oh, he's on the toilet.
14
00:00:43,606 --> 00:00:45,441
Sorry, that's not enough information.
15
00:00:45,524 --> 00:00:47,610
The test subjects are frozen in stasis,
16
00:00:47,693 --> 00:00:51,864
so I put them in the bathroom
and I placed Chidi on the toilet.
17
00:00:51,947 --> 00:00:53,199
The best seat.
18
00:00:53,282 --> 00:00:54,200
Let's wake him up.
19
00:00:54,283 --> 00:00:57,369
You know, so I can, like,
be reunited with the man I love?
20
00:00:57,453 --> 00:00:59,163
Snappy, snappy, memory fixxy?
21
00:00:59,246 --> 00:01:02,249
The Judge says no one gets unfrozen
until she's ruled on the case.
22
00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:06,670
Oh, uh, humans have to stay here.
You can't see the numbers.
23
00:01:06,754 --> 00:01:10,466
Hang on. I worked my ash off
running this neighborhood for a full year,
24
00:01:10,549 --> 00:01:12,885
and I'm not even allowed
to hear how we did?
25
00:01:12,968 --> 00:01:14,178
Yes.
26
00:01:14,261 --> 00:01:15,513
And here's a bottle of tequila.
27
00:01:15,596 --> 00:01:17,932
Okay, let us know how it goes.
28
00:01:25,439 --> 00:01:28,692
Regardless of what the Judge rules,
this feels like some sort of goodbye.
29
00:01:28,776 --> 00:01:31,904
Even if we succeeded, there's
no guarantee she'll keep us together.
30
00:01:31,987 --> 00:01:33,197
She might just snap her fingers
31
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,950
and send us flying
into different dimensions.
32
00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:38,744
How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
33
00:01:38,828 --> 00:01:42,623
Oh, man, are we gonna die again?
We've died so many times.
34
00:01:42,706 --> 00:01:46,377
We've probably had, like,
15 funerals by now.
35
00:01:46,460 --> 00:01:47,878
It's getting annoying.
36
00:01:47,962 --> 00:01:51,715
If it would cheer you up, I could tell you
what happened at your original funerals.
37
00:01:51,799 --> 00:01:54,635
Tahani, Moby spoke first.
He claimed that--
38
00:01:54,718 --> 00:01:57,388
Please stop. I don't want to hear it.
39
00:01:57,471 --> 00:01:58,472
What about mine?
40
00:01:58,556 --> 00:02:00,808
Your friends didn't say things about you,
41
00:02:00,891 --> 00:02:03,602
so much as they graffitied
a Red Lobster about you.
42
00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:06,147
Yeah, in Jacksonville,
that's the first stage of grief.
43
00:02:06,230 --> 00:02:09,567
In Arizona, you can either have
a regular funeral,
44
00:02:09,650 --> 00:02:12,361
or they can put your body out
on a shooting range,
45
00:02:12,444 --> 00:02:14,780
and you get a $200 state tax credit.
46
00:02:14,864 --> 00:02:18,659
Hang on. This is how we take our minds
off the Judge's ruling.
47
00:02:18,742 --> 00:02:22,788
Let's throw ourselves the funeral
to end all funerals.
48
00:02:22,872 --> 00:02:23,831
Awesome!
49
00:02:23,914 --> 00:02:25,416
And you know what they say in Florida,
50
00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:28,878
"If you don't like this funeral,
just wait a minute."
51
00:02:32,298 --> 00:02:35,384
Ugh, the Judge's chambers?
I hate this place.
52
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:39,305
What's the Wi-Fi password?
There is no service.
53
00:02:40,723 --> 00:02:41,599
Shawn.
54
00:02:42,641 --> 00:02:45,019
-Michael.
-Bounces off me and sticks to you.
55
00:02:45,769 --> 00:02:46,979
Wait, no, I messed that up.
56
00:02:47,062 --> 00:02:51,817
First, say something mean to me,
really cruel, something that just guts me.
57
00:02:51,901 --> 00:02:53,736
You're totally going to be glue.
58
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:55,571
So, it's come to this.
59
00:02:56,405 --> 00:03:00,492
We have finally arrived at the end of your
pathetic attempt to prove that humans
60
00:03:00,576 --> 00:03:03,954
are more than just mobile turd factories.
61
00:03:04,038 --> 00:03:09,043
And you are going to fail, again,
because that is what you do.
62
00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,045
You're a choker, Michael.
63
00:03:11,128 --> 00:03:13,213
And you're about to choke
for the last time.
64
00:03:14,089 --> 00:03:16,175
Except for the eternity
you're going to spend in the Bad Place,
65
00:03:16,258 --> 00:03:19,428
being choked by me,
who will be doing the choking.
66
00:03:20,971 --> 00:03:22,139
Well, you're glue.
67
00:03:23,015 --> 00:03:25,059
-Wow!
68
00:03:25,142 --> 00:03:26,310
- Beautiful!
- Look at this place!
69
00:03:26,393 --> 00:03:27,269
- Amazing!
70
00:03:27,353 --> 00:03:28,187
The floor!
71
00:03:28,270 --> 00:03:30,189
Hello, Good Place Committee.
Thank you for coming.
72
00:03:30,272 --> 00:03:31,690
No, thank you, Michael.
73
00:03:31,774 --> 00:03:33,359
You did an incredible job,
74
00:03:33,442 --> 00:03:34,985
maybe the best job that anyone's ever done
75
00:03:35,069 --> 00:03:35,945
-at any task.
-Mmm.
76
00:03:36,028 --> 00:03:37,821
But you don't know how we did.
77
00:03:37,905 --> 00:03:41,742
We might not know how you did,
but we know you did great.
78
00:03:41,825 --> 00:03:44,286
And, Shawn, before we even
find out what happened,
79
00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:46,580
we want you to know we're willing
to give up all of our leverage,
80
00:03:46,664 --> 00:03:48,707
-compromise and meet you halfway.
-Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
81
00:03:48,791 --> 00:03:50,334
I met your mom halfway last night.
82
00:03:50,417 --> 00:03:51,877
-So colorful!
83
00:03:53,337 --> 00:03:57,258
We are here to celebrate
the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil,
84
00:03:57,341 --> 00:03:59,718
in the place she felt most comfortable,
85
00:03:59,802 --> 00:04:03,597
the cabin of
a Gulfstream G650 private jet.
86
00:04:03,681 --> 00:04:05,766
Tahani was super nice,
87
00:04:05,849 --> 00:04:09,395
and she deserved for people
to be nicer to her than they were.
88
00:04:10,271 --> 00:04:14,108
The only sad thing is that she never
got over her speech impediment.
89
00:04:14,858 --> 00:04:18,070
Tahani improved so much
over her many lives,
90
00:04:18,153 --> 00:04:20,489
but she also helped me improve.
91
00:04:20,572 --> 00:04:24,994
She taught me lots of stuff,
like "Bras shouldn't be painful,"
92
00:04:25,077 --> 00:04:28,038
and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot,"
93
00:04:28,122 --> 00:04:31,166
and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot.
What the hell are you wearing?"
94
00:04:31,917 --> 00:04:35,713
For the record, it was a men's back
support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
95
00:04:36,797 --> 00:04:40,676
She was the best friend I ever had...
and I loved her.
96
00:04:41,719 --> 00:04:44,471
Thank you so much. That was wonderful.
97
00:04:45,055 --> 00:04:46,473
I wish Chidi was here.
98
00:04:47,016 --> 00:04:49,435
It sucks that he's too dead
for these heaven funerals.
99
00:04:50,436 --> 00:04:52,938
Can someone grab his arm?
My hands are kind of full with his butt.
100
00:04:53,022 --> 00:04:55,357
How'd he get so jacked?
101
00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:59,069
When he was 14, someone told him
that exercise alleviated anxiety.
102
00:04:59,153 --> 00:05:01,822
He started doing push-ups
and basically never stopped.
103
00:05:03,407 --> 00:05:06,744
All right, everyone, let's get this done.
104
00:05:06,827 --> 00:05:11,081
This is the single most important case
that has ever appeared in my court,
105
00:05:11,165 --> 00:05:14,501
and the results will have ramifications
for eternity.
106
00:05:14,585 --> 00:05:17,629
Before we begin,
I'm going to need you all to sign this.
107
00:05:19,798 --> 00:05:23,594
"A petition to bring back Ally McBeal"?
108
00:05:23,677 --> 00:05:26,305
Well, yeah. I mean,
everything else is getting rebooted.
109
00:05:26,388 --> 00:05:28,682
Get a young hottie in there,
like a Zendaya type?
110
00:05:28,766 --> 00:05:30,142
Is it Zenday-ah or Zend-iyah?
111
00:05:30,225 --> 00:05:32,603
Zenday-ah. Or, I don't...
112
00:05:32,686 --> 00:05:35,647
I mean, who wouldn't watch that?
Am I right? Anyone?
113
00:05:35,731 --> 00:05:36,899
Oh, fine.
114
00:05:38,609 --> 00:05:39,568
Take it away, Matt.
115
00:05:40,152 --> 00:05:42,946
Okay, the moment
we've all been waiting for.
116
00:05:43,030 --> 00:05:46,492
The test results that dictate
the future of humanity.
117
00:05:47,076 --> 00:05:47,951
Here we go.
118
00:05:48,035 --> 00:05:50,537
-In 30, 29...
-Ahem.
119
00:05:51,121 --> 00:05:54,333
...two, one, voilà!
120
00:05:55,918 --> 00:05:57,044
I thought this would be fun.
121
00:05:57,127 --> 00:05:59,046
Had a lot of time alone in there.
122
00:06:00,255 --> 00:06:01,215
Bam!
123
00:06:02,132 --> 00:06:05,302
Simone got 12% better
than she was on Earth.
124
00:06:05,385 --> 00:06:08,013
Bam! Chidi got 26% better.
125
00:06:08,097 --> 00:06:10,516
Bam! John got 44% better.
126
00:06:13,644 --> 00:06:15,437
Shoot.
127
00:06:16,396 --> 00:06:18,816
Shouldn't have committed so hard
to this "bam" thing.
128
00:06:20,692 --> 00:06:22,069
Funeral!
129
00:06:23,654 --> 00:06:28,075
Jason, at the risk of getting an answer
that might thoroughly depress me,
130
00:06:28,158 --> 00:06:29,493
what made you choose this setting?
131
00:06:29,576 --> 00:06:32,830
There's a Jacksonville tradition of having
your funeral where you were born.
132
00:06:33,664 --> 00:06:37,084
I got born in the deep end of a pool,
right after my mom did a cannonball.
133
00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:38,836
Well, I knew the risks.
134
00:06:38,919 --> 00:06:40,295
You never really talk about your mom.
135
00:06:40,379 --> 00:06:42,172
Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.
136
00:06:42,714 --> 00:06:44,675
I lost her to the Big C.
137
00:06:45,843 --> 00:06:48,470
That's what we called the crocodile
that lived by my house.
138
00:06:49,972 --> 00:06:52,766
I'm just playing, it was cancer.
139
00:06:52,850 --> 00:06:54,476
Watch me do a handstand.
140
00:06:57,771 --> 00:07:00,149
Jason Mendoza
didn't have an easy life.
141
00:07:00,232 --> 00:07:04,611
He once told me the closest he'd ever
gotten to having a piñata on his birthday
142
00:07:04,695 --> 00:07:07,489
was when a seagull ate too many condoms
on the beach and exploded.
143
00:07:07,573 --> 00:07:11,869
But despite it all, he was
the most optimistic person I'd ever met.
144
00:07:11,952 --> 00:07:14,955
Jason was the very first person
to ask me about my feelings.
145
00:07:15,038 --> 00:07:17,833
I hadn't had any yet,
but it made me wanna go get some.
146
00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:21,879
I could see something special inside him
that no one else could see.
147
00:07:22,379 --> 00:07:26,175
It was a multi-colored blob of positivity
right behind his sternum.
148
00:07:26,258 --> 00:07:27,551
That's my Jason,
149
00:07:27,634 --> 00:07:32,639
a big, colorful, rainbow blob, stuffed
inside a hot life-size action figure.
150
00:07:32,723 --> 00:07:36,935
Plus, I gotta say, it was nice
to have a true dirtbag buddy,
151
00:07:37,019 --> 00:07:39,521
so I could talk about
what really mattered in life:
152
00:07:39,605 --> 00:07:42,983
wrestling, semi-legal drugs
and Jason Statham.
153
00:07:43,066 --> 00:07:44,526
Statham forever!
154
00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:45,527
Indeed.
155
00:07:46,361 --> 00:07:47,237
Statham forever.
156
00:07:47,821 --> 00:07:48,655
Amen.
157
00:07:48,739 --> 00:07:49,656
Amen.
158
00:07:50,407 --> 00:07:52,201
Let's focus on the big picture here.
159
00:07:52,284 --> 00:07:56,788
Free of Earth's complications,
and its unintended consequences,
160
00:07:56,872 --> 00:07:58,916
the other three improved a lot.
161
00:07:58,999 --> 00:08:01,793
Chidi got 38% more confident.
162
00:08:01,877 --> 00:08:05,881
Simone got 43%
more flexible in her judgments of people,
163
00:08:05,964 --> 00:08:08,634
and John didn't call
one single person the C-word.
164
00:08:08,717 --> 00:08:11,553
But he did yell the C-word at himself,
165
00:08:11,637 --> 00:08:15,265
as well as a pack of squirrels
and a chair he tripped over.
166
00:08:15,349 --> 00:08:18,435
Why are we even still discussing this?
Brent got worse.
167
00:08:18,519 --> 00:08:20,771
If humans can't be good
with their needs magically met,
168
00:08:20,854 --> 00:08:22,481
maybe they're just not that good.
169
00:08:22,564 --> 00:08:25,442
He's right.
The evidence needed to be overwhelming.
170
00:08:25,526 --> 00:08:28,028
I can't just turn
the whole afterlife upside down
171
00:08:28,111 --> 00:08:30,572
because three people
got a little bit better.
172
00:08:30,656 --> 00:08:34,117
But don't forget, there's a lot of
evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani
173
00:08:34,201 --> 00:08:38,080
got better in the original experiment,
so that's six people.
174
00:08:38,163 --> 00:08:39,957
That's the number of friends in Friends.
175
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,418
Are you gonna sit there and say
that every single Friend belongs in hell?
176
00:08:43,502 --> 00:08:48,048
I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel...
and Monica and Joey...
177
00:08:48,131 --> 00:08:49,675
and definitely Chandler...
178
00:08:51,093 --> 00:08:52,219
but Phoebe?
179
00:08:52,302 --> 00:08:54,429
Face it, Michael, you lost.
180
00:08:54,513 --> 00:08:58,100
Everything you've done, this experiment,
the original neighborhood,
181
00:08:58,183 --> 00:09:00,894
sending your little cockroach buddies
back to Earth, all of it was for nothing.
182
00:09:01,478 --> 00:09:03,021
Bam! You're glue.
183
00:09:03,981 --> 00:09:07,067
Actually, Shawn,
that's a very interesting point.
184
00:09:07,150 --> 00:09:08,235
Exactly. What?
185
00:09:08,318 --> 00:09:11,738
Matt, call up the active files
of four people still alive on Earth.
186
00:09:11,822 --> 00:09:15,534
Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop,
and her step-daughter, Patricia,
187
00:09:15,617 --> 00:09:17,953
and Steven Peleaz, aka Pillboi.
188
00:09:18,036 --> 00:09:19,204
They were not part of the experiment.
189
00:09:19,288 --> 00:09:21,164
If he gets to bring
random good people into it,
190
00:09:21,248 --> 00:09:22,833
I should be able to bring in
random bad people.
191
00:09:22,916 --> 00:09:26,795
Call up Elizabeth Holmes.
No, Henry Kissinger. No...
192
00:09:27,713 --> 00:09:28,547
PewDiePie.
193
00:09:29,256 --> 00:09:31,592
Your Honor, the people I wanna look at
are not random.
194
00:09:31,675 --> 00:09:34,636
They're four humans the "cockroaches"
helped on Earth.
195
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,014
No magic, just kindness.
196
00:09:37,097 --> 00:09:41,268
And I bet their emotional support
made those four people better.
197
00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:46,398
And if I'm wrong,
I'll be the first to say... "We're glue."
198
00:09:46,481 --> 00:09:48,900
I don't think any of you
is using that right.
199
00:09:48,984 --> 00:09:50,152
But, fine, let's see it.
200
00:09:51,945 --> 00:09:53,030
Look! Right there.
201
00:09:53,113 --> 00:09:57,034
After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated
himself to caring for the elderly.
202
00:09:57,117 --> 00:10:00,203
Kamilah started a scholarship
in Tahani's name
203
00:10:00,287 --> 00:10:02,956
that sent 213 women to college.
204
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,293
Donna started doing homework
with Patricia every night,
205
00:10:06,376 --> 00:10:11,048
and that little girl actually ended up
teaching Donna multiplication.
206
00:10:11,131 --> 00:10:12,257
Yikes.
207
00:10:12,341 --> 00:10:17,596
Look, the point is people improve
when they get external love and support.
208
00:10:18,972 --> 00:10:21,183
How can we hold it against them
when they don't?
209
00:10:21,266 --> 00:10:26,146
Need I remind you that Brent got worse
every second of every moment of every day.
210
00:10:27,064 --> 00:10:28,523
Until right at the end.
211
00:10:28,607 --> 00:10:31,360
With ten seconds left, he swung way up.
212
00:10:31,943 --> 00:10:35,238
This is it, Your Honor.
This is the whole story.
213
00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:39,618
No one is beyond rehabilitation.
214
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:43,455
Brent spent a year being
an absolute diaper load of a human being
215
00:10:43,538 --> 00:10:45,082
and the points total tells you that.
216
00:10:45,165 --> 00:10:51,421
But what that number can't tell you...
is who he could've become tomorrow.
217
00:10:55,175 --> 00:10:56,468
I'll have my ruling shortly.
218
00:10:57,761 --> 00:10:59,805
Okay, Janet, where do you wanna go
for your funeral?
219
00:10:59,888 --> 00:11:01,098
Dave & Buster's, probably?
220
00:11:01,181 --> 00:11:02,808
You probably want to go
to Dave & Buster's.
221
00:11:02,891 --> 00:11:05,769
I think I heard her say "Dave & Buster's,"
so let's just go there.
222
00:11:05,852 --> 00:11:07,020
We can sort it out later.
223
00:11:08,063 --> 00:11:12,526
It's nice that you want to honor me,
but you've already given me so much.
224
00:11:12,609 --> 00:11:15,987
Tahani taught me
that you can make a family,
225
00:11:16,071 --> 00:11:17,531
even if you never really had one.
226
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:21,451
Jason taught me that I have value
beyond what I do for other people.
227
00:11:22,327 --> 00:11:25,956
And, Eleanor, there was a moment on Earth
when all hope was lost,
228
00:11:26,039 --> 00:11:27,958
and I watched you have hope anyway.
229
00:11:28,542 --> 00:11:32,254
Just thinking about that makes me
want to barf up a beautiful quasar.
230
00:11:32,337 --> 00:11:34,131
Well said, Janet.
231
00:11:34,214 --> 00:11:36,550
That means it's your turn, Eleanor.
232
00:11:36,633 --> 00:11:39,928
All right. Mine's easy.
We don't even have to move.
233
00:11:40,011 --> 00:11:44,391
I stand here before you, in sweatpants,
for the first time ever,
234
00:11:44,474 --> 00:11:49,521
to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place
where she spent much of her life,
235
00:11:49,604 --> 00:11:52,274
a bar in a house she was not invited to.
236
00:11:52,858 --> 00:11:54,484
Eleanor was full of surprises.
237
00:11:54,568 --> 00:11:57,571
I never knew if she was going to
ruthlessly make fun of me,
238
00:11:57,654 --> 00:12:02,951
or totally objectify me in a way that was
flattering and also vaguely problematic.
239
00:12:03,034 --> 00:12:03,869
Well...
240
00:12:03,952 --> 00:12:07,122
But whether she was lifting me up
or calling me out...
241
00:12:09,291 --> 00:12:13,795
I never felt quite so seen
as when she saw me.
242
00:12:14,588 --> 00:12:18,925
Eleanor, I know you don't like it
when people get all emotional about you,
243
00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:21,219
so I channeled all of my love for you
into this song.
244
00:12:30,979 --> 00:12:32,564
That's when the foam cannons go...
245
00:12:33,231 --> 00:12:36,651
Explode outward.
And then back to the song.
246
00:12:38,403 --> 00:12:41,364
-Okay, okay, we're good. Thank you.
-Yeah.
247
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:43,408
Okay. Who's left?
248
00:12:45,702 --> 00:12:49,831
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
of Chidi Anagonye.
249
00:12:49,915 --> 00:12:52,209
Eleanor, would you like to say
a few words?
250
00:12:56,630 --> 00:13:02,802
Chidi was a... rootin'-tootin',
rackin'-frackin' varmint.
251
00:13:02,886 --> 00:13:07,140
Sorry, I don't know why I just went
full Yosemite Sam there. Um...
252
00:13:08,558 --> 00:13:11,520
Yeah, I don't think I can, uh, do this.
253
00:13:11,603 --> 00:13:15,649
I... I can't sum up all my feelings
about Chidi, so I'm gonna pass.
254
00:13:18,401 --> 00:13:21,738
The Judge is about to make her ruling.
She wants us to be there to hear it.
255
00:13:22,614 --> 00:13:24,366
Oh, we should probably change outfits.
256
00:13:24,449 --> 00:13:26,701
Tahani's sweatpants say
"Skank Army" on the butt.
257
00:13:26,785 --> 00:13:28,161
They do?
258
00:13:28,745 --> 00:13:33,708
Michael... you came to me
and said the points system was flawed.
259
00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:37,671
A system that has been in place
since the dawn of time
260
00:13:37,754 --> 00:13:41,675
and has judged every soul
that has ever walked the Earth.
261
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,052
And I have come to the conclusion...
262
00:13:46,596 --> 00:13:47,847
that you're right.
263
00:13:48,890 --> 00:13:50,600
-I'm...
- You're right.
264
00:13:50,684 --> 00:13:53,687
Humans are not fixed
at one level of morality.
265
00:13:53,770 --> 00:13:56,815
They can always get better,
which means the points system
266
00:13:56,898 --> 00:14:00,443
does not accurately judge
how good or bad they are.
267
00:14:02,696 --> 00:14:03,697
You won.
268
00:14:04,698 --> 00:14:05,574
Mmm-hmm.
269
00:14:08,285 --> 00:14:10,954
Well, that wasn't so hard now, was it?
270
00:14:12,330 --> 00:14:13,415
We did it!
271
00:14:16,793 --> 00:14:20,255
The universe owes you a debt of gratitude
for bringing this to my attention.
272
00:14:20,338 --> 00:14:23,216
Now, in terms of how we handle this,
moving forward,
273
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:25,385
obviously, Earth is cancelled.
274
00:14:26,428 --> 00:14:28,388
Uh, Earth is what now?
275
00:14:28,471 --> 00:14:31,933
All humans on Earth and in the afterlife
will be extinguished,
276
00:14:32,017 --> 00:14:35,520
and we will start
the entire human race over from scratch.
277
00:14:35,604 --> 00:14:37,272
And you know what's so funny?
278
00:14:37,355 --> 00:14:42,694
In a very roundabout way,
I am actually rebooting Ally McBeal.
279
00:14:42,777 --> 00:14:44,946
Because I'm rebooting everything.
280
00:14:45,030 --> 00:14:48,950
Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!
281
00:14:52,287 --> 00:14:53,747
Whoa, whoa.
282
00:14:53,830 --> 00:14:57,709
Your Honor, let's just slow down here
and say everything again maybe,
283
00:14:57,792 --> 00:15:01,338
because I think some of us
were thinking about skateboards
284
00:15:01,421 --> 00:15:03,340
and don't know what's going on.
285
00:15:03,423 --> 00:15:07,135
Canceling Earth,
doesn't that seem a bit drastic?
286
00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:10,096
It's just too much of a mess down there,
you know?
287
00:15:10,180 --> 00:15:14,392
I mean, the simplest solution
is to erase everyone that ever lived
288
00:15:14,476 --> 00:15:18,897
and restart
with a bunch of amoebas or whatever.
289
00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:22,484
Then human life will evolve again,
or maybe even something better.
290
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,861
Maybe this time
they won't have baby teeth.
291
00:15:25,487 --> 00:15:28,031
You know, that whole thing is so weird.
Like, they fall out,
292
00:15:28,114 --> 00:15:32,243
and then the bigger teeth
just grow out of that same hole? Gross.
293
00:15:32,869 --> 00:15:35,705
Anyway, the important thing is, Earth...
294
00:15:37,415 --> 00:15:39,376
How are you guys surprised?
295
00:15:39,459 --> 00:15:41,378
I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen if you won?
296
00:15:41,461 --> 00:15:44,381
I don't know,
I thought we could just give three points
297
00:15:44,464 --> 00:15:46,216
for eating an apple instead of two.
298
00:15:46,299 --> 00:15:49,260
Yes, why can't we
just tweak the points a little?
299
00:15:49,344 --> 00:15:50,679
Just a little boost.
300
00:15:50,762 --> 00:15:52,764
-Like Spanx, but for your soul.
-Yes.
301
00:15:52,847 --> 00:15:58,019
Guys, the problem isn't the points,
it's that Earth has become too complicated
302
00:15:58,103 --> 00:16:01,439
for the points to reflect the value
of human behavior.
303
00:16:01,523 --> 00:16:04,067
Remember? The whole thing you discovered?
304
00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:08,029
And now I have no choice but to fix it.
305
00:16:08,113 --> 00:16:11,574
Where did I put
that human-wiper-outer thingy?
306
00:16:11,658 --> 00:16:13,785
-Um...
-Lip gloss, lip gloss,
307
00:16:13,868 --> 00:16:17,080
thing that ends all the wars,
Justified Season 2.
308
00:16:17,163 --> 00:16:18,707
Wow. You won.
309
00:16:18,790 --> 00:16:22,585
And you still somehow failed. Classic.
310
00:16:24,462 --> 00:16:27,716
Wake Chidi up. Now.
We need all the help we can get.
311
00:16:27,799 --> 00:16:32,512
You really want me to wake him up
just to tell him that
312
00:16:32,595 --> 00:16:34,222
he and everyone else in the universe
is going to cease to exist?
313
00:16:34,305 --> 00:16:35,974
Not when you say it like that.
314
00:16:36,057 --> 00:16:37,559
-Well, what...
315
00:16:37,642 --> 00:16:40,812
-The Good Place nerds, our only hope.
-I don't--
316
00:16:40,895 --> 00:16:43,273
Yo, yo, yo, angel-types,
if you are ever going to do something,
317
00:16:43,356 --> 00:16:44,441
you gotta do it now.
318
00:16:44,524 --> 00:16:47,402
Oh, you bet we're gonna do something.
This has gone too far.
319
00:16:47,485 --> 00:16:50,655
I'm composing
some very sternly-worded letters.
320
00:16:50,739 --> 00:16:54,492
Are we sure "stern" is the right tone?
We don't want to seem strident.
321
00:16:54,576 --> 00:16:55,744
-Yeah.
-It upsets the norms.
322
00:16:55,827 --> 00:16:57,037
You're absolutely right.
323
00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:00,081
I apologize and resign,
effective immediately.
324
00:17:00,832 --> 00:17:02,667
So bold. I am so proud of you.
325
00:17:02,751 --> 00:17:04,419
Here it is! Great.
326
00:17:04,502 --> 00:17:09,049
Michael, Shawn, Janet,
see you in maybe a billion years?
327
00:17:09,132 --> 00:17:12,594
It has been one crazy ride, you guys.
328
00:17:12,677 --> 00:17:15,805
♪ I'm gonna miss somebody
I'm gonna miss somebody ♪
329
00:17:15,889 --> 00:17:17,140
♪ I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
330
00:17:17,223 --> 00:17:21,144
♪ And I'm gonna miss every...
See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪
331
00:17:21,227 --> 00:17:24,564
♪ See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪
332
00:17:24,647 --> 00:17:27,484
Oh, I'm gonna miss you guys.
333
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:30,028
Okay. Bye, y'all.
334
00:17:33,281 --> 00:17:35,575
Janet, what the hell? Give it back.
335
00:17:35,658 --> 00:17:38,661
No. It's in my void and you can't have it.
336
00:17:39,621 --> 00:17:41,581
I don't say "no" a lot.
Did I pronounce that right?
337
00:17:41,664 --> 00:17:42,999
Janet, you give me back my thingy,
338
00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:44,918
or I will go into your void
and get it myself.
339
00:17:45,001 --> 00:17:46,127
I'd like to see you try.
340
00:17:46,211 --> 00:17:49,798
Oh. Okay, she's trying right now.
She's in my void.
341
00:17:50,423 --> 00:17:52,675
It feels... it feels weird.
Yeah-- Yikes, whoa.
342
00:17:52,759 --> 00:17:54,052
Okay.
343
00:17:54,636 --> 00:17:56,346
Real cute, honey. Where is it?
344
00:17:56,429 --> 00:17:59,682
-What do you mean? It's not in my void?
- No.
345
00:18:00,683 --> 00:18:01,643
It's in mine.
346
00:18:02,685 --> 00:18:05,230
Ugh, I feel like such a wiener hole
saying this,
347
00:18:05,313 --> 00:18:09,818
but Michael wrote a manifesto,
and I read it on the toilet.
348
00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:12,904
I don't have to poop. I choose to.
349
00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:15,782
Anyway, I'm with them now.
350
00:18:15,865 --> 00:18:19,911
-Are you kidding me?
-Oh, get over yourself, you dork.
351
00:18:19,994 --> 00:18:22,330
The whole system is royally effed.
352
00:18:22,413 --> 00:18:25,667
Humans suck, but this isn't their fault.
353
00:18:25,750 --> 00:18:28,294
You read what I wrote?
And it got through to you?
354
00:18:28,378 --> 00:18:32,549
Yeah, but I also used the pages to wipe
my butt, so don't pop a stiffy just yet.
355
00:18:32,632 --> 00:18:34,050
M'kay?
356
00:18:34,634 --> 00:18:37,804
- I am so proud of you.
-I don't care.
357
00:18:37,887 --> 00:18:39,973
I think you do a little bit.
358
00:18:40,431 --> 00:18:42,142
Sister hug!
359
00:18:42,225 --> 00:18:43,768
-Yeah, okay. Get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew.
- Hey!
360
00:18:43,852 --> 00:18:47,730
Listen up. I made an official ruling
and I am not going to see it undone
361
00:18:47,814 --> 00:18:50,358
by two Janets playing keep-away.
362
00:18:50,942 --> 00:18:54,487
Oh, I should've explained.
It's not two of us.
363
00:18:55,113 --> 00:18:56,322
It's all of us.
364
00:18:57,031 --> 00:18:58,366
-Hi.
- What up, nerds?
365
00:18:58,449 --> 00:18:59,450
Eat my farts, losers.
366
00:18:59,534 --> 00:19:01,661
I am entering for a reason
and no other reason.
367
00:19:01,744 --> 00:19:03,496
- What up, fart-knockers?
- Hi!
368
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:06,249
- Hello.
-What it is, what it is!
369
00:19:06,332 --> 00:19:07,667
What up, dorks.
370
00:19:11,212 --> 00:19:13,756
Sent the manifesto around
to all the other Janets.
371
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,675
We have a group text now.
372
00:19:15,758 --> 00:19:17,635
I mostly send GIFs of otters!
373
00:19:19,304 --> 00:19:24,058
This is so annoying!
374
00:19:24,142 --> 00:19:27,478
Okay, Janets, you want to do this
the hard way?
375
00:19:27,979 --> 00:19:32,275
I am gonna search your voids one by one,
376
00:19:32,859 --> 00:19:36,821
and then marbleize you one by one,
377
00:19:37,447 --> 00:19:41,743
until I get
my stupid Earth rebooter thingy back.
378
00:19:42,368 --> 00:19:45,622
We're not gonna be able
to hold her off forever. We need a plan.
379
00:19:45,705 --> 00:19:50,001
Okay. So, what's the plan?
Plan, plan, plan.
380
00:19:50,877 --> 00:19:52,420
Step one, get a plan.
381
00:19:52,503 --> 00:19:54,881
Step two, do the plan.
382
00:19:54,964 --> 00:19:57,800
-Yeah, this is working.
-Michael. Focus.
383
00:19:57,884 --> 00:19:58,843
Right. Sorry.
384
00:19:58,927 --> 00:20:02,222
Uh, all right,
so if we can't change the points,
385
00:20:02,305 --> 00:20:05,600
then maybe we can change
what we do with the points.
386
00:20:06,184 --> 00:20:11,022
Yeah, we just need a brand-new system
for judging humans in the afterlife.
387
00:20:11,105 --> 00:20:13,316
-We can do this, right?
-Yeah.
388
00:20:13,399 --> 00:20:15,944
But in order to crack it,
I think you know what needs to happen.
389
00:20:16,027 --> 00:20:18,696
There is literally only one person here
390
00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:23,284
who is smart enough and thoughtful enough
to save humanity.
391
00:20:25,203 --> 00:20:26,913
Fine. I'll do it.
392
00:20:26,996 --> 00:20:28,831
Not you, dummy.
393
00:20:28,915 --> 00:20:32,669
Designing a better afterlife
is the ultimate ethical question.
394
00:20:32,752 --> 00:20:36,714
Chidi spent his entire existence
pondering the biggest questions.
395
00:20:36,798 --> 00:20:40,843
He is brilliant and empathetic.
396
00:20:40,927 --> 00:20:43,888
All he cares about
is how best to treat other people
397
00:20:43,972 --> 00:20:47,183
and he is willing to sacrifice
his own happiness to do it.
398
00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:50,728
If we're gonna pull this off,
we need Chidi back.
399
00:20:50,812 --> 00:20:52,814
And he needs his memories.
400
00:20:52,897 --> 00:20:56,859
You want to take
the most indecisive man ever born,
401
00:20:56,943 --> 00:21:02,073
stuff him full
of over 800 different versions of himself,
402
00:21:02,156 --> 00:21:05,952
and then tell him he has, like,
what, 45 minutes to save humanity?
403
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,871
You think that will go well?
404
00:21:08,955 --> 00:21:12,417
I don't know how it's gonna go,
but he is our only chance.
405
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,836
And it is now or literally never.
406
00:21:14,919 --> 00:21:17,505
Wake him up.
407
00:21:18,715 --> 00:21:22,218
Not in this Janet. Next!