1
00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:21,333
Oh, hi, dip-shirt.
2
00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:23,586
Hello, Bad Janet. How are you today?
3
00:00:23,669 --> 00:00:24,503
Terrible.
4
00:00:25,421 --> 00:00:29,133
I'm here to let you know
that after six months of captivity,
5
00:00:29,216 --> 00:00:33,220
here in Good Janet's void,
today's your last day.
6
00:00:33,304 --> 00:00:34,847
I'm gonna tell you a story.
7
00:00:34,930 --> 00:00:37,641
And once that's done,
I'm getting rid of you.
8
00:00:37,725 --> 00:00:39,226
Wow.
9
00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:42,313
Sounds like someone finally put on
his big-boy demon pants.
10
00:00:42,897 --> 00:00:44,065
So, what's the story?
11
00:00:44,148 --> 00:00:45,149
Another one of your attempts to prove
12
00:00:45,232 --> 00:00:48,778
that humans are "good"
and "worthy of respect"
13
00:00:48,861 --> 00:00:52,323
and not "big fat sacks of dookie"?
14
00:00:52,406 --> 00:00:53,532
Something like that.
15
00:00:54,366 --> 00:00:55,201
Are you ready?
16
00:00:55,284 --> 00:00:57,411
One thing, real quick, before you start...
17
00:01:13,010 --> 00:01:13,844
Wow.
18
00:01:14,762 --> 00:01:15,763
She's gonna last.
19
00:01:15,846 --> 00:01:17,890
Is that your story? Looks boring.
20
00:01:17,973 --> 00:01:20,684
This book is a part of the story.
You'll see.
21
00:01:20,768 --> 00:01:24,188
- Ugh.
-It all started about a week ago.
22
00:01:24,271 --> 00:01:26,816
We'd sent the four humans on a ski trip...
23
00:01:26,899 --> 00:01:29,944
And they all skied off a cliff
and they broke all their bones
24
00:01:30,027 --> 00:01:33,697
and their pants fell down
and you could see their butts. The end.
25
00:01:33,781 --> 00:01:37,034
Actually, it went better
than we could've possibly hoped.
26
00:01:38,661 --> 00:01:41,080
Well, I admit it. I was wrong.
27
00:01:41,163 --> 00:01:43,082
That was super fun!
28
00:01:43,165 --> 00:01:44,875
Yeah! I mean,
I couldn't actually go skiing,
29
00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:47,753
because moving at an angle terrifies me,
30
00:01:47,837 --> 00:01:50,297
-but that lodge had so many reading nooks.
31
00:01:50,381 --> 00:01:52,591
Just everywhere
you look... nook.
32
00:01:52,675 --> 00:01:55,719
Plus Jianyu guided us
on that amazing meditation.
33
00:01:55,803 --> 00:01:57,930
Oh, do you guys want to share
what your mantra is?
34
00:01:58,013 --> 00:02:01,267
Mine is Cate Blanchett saying, "Rihanna."
35
00:02:01,350 --> 00:02:03,394
Congrats again, on the gin rummy win.
36
00:02:03,477 --> 00:02:04,937
I thought I was gonna take you down,
37
00:02:05,020 --> 00:02:06,689
'cause I used to play all the time
back in college.
38
00:02:06,772 --> 00:02:07,940
Ah, you went to Rutgers, right?
39
00:02:08,023 --> 00:02:09,191
No, I went to Princeton.
40
00:02:09,275 --> 00:02:11,068
Yeah, I know. I'm messing with you.
41
00:02:11,152 --> 00:02:12,278
Oh.
42
00:02:12,361 --> 00:02:14,446
Nice one.
Hey, you were joking, though, right?
43
00:02:14,530 --> 00:02:16,532
You know it's Prince... Yeah, you know.
44
00:02:16,615 --> 00:02:19,535
Okay, team. Well done.
45
00:02:19,618 --> 00:02:23,372
They're all kinda killing it, but Brent
has definitely made the most progress.
46
00:02:23,455 --> 00:02:27,751
Yeah, when Simone beat him at cards,
he didn't flip the table and storm off.
47
00:02:27,835 --> 00:02:29,545
He just stormed off. That's big.
48
00:02:29,628 --> 00:02:31,922
Well, we still don't know
if he's really changed,
49
00:02:32,006 --> 00:02:33,716
or if he's just trying
to get into "super heaven."
50
00:02:33,799 --> 00:02:35,843
But his behavior's changing.
51
00:02:35,926 --> 00:02:37,386
Remember, that's the roadmap.
52
00:02:37,469 --> 00:02:40,931
First, we change the behavior,
then we work on motivation.
53
00:02:41,015 --> 00:02:43,017
-And now...
- Oh-ho-ho.
54
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:45,603
...the moment you've all been waiting for.
55
00:02:45,686 --> 00:02:51,317
The humanity savior of the week goes to...
56
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,443
-Jason!
-Aww.
57
00:02:52,526 --> 00:02:53,360
Yes!
58
00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:55,487
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi.
59
00:02:56,322 --> 00:03:02,036
And the award for
hottest savior of the week goes to...
60
00:03:02,119 --> 00:03:04,705
- Eleanor Shellstrop!
-Whoop-whoop!
61
00:03:04,788 --> 00:03:06,081
Thank you, I accept.
62
00:03:06,165 --> 00:03:07,458
I never win "hottest."
63
00:03:08,208 --> 00:03:09,043
I don't know what to tell you, man.
64
00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,754
Maybe do some squats.
Pop that booty a little bit.
65
00:03:11,837 --> 00:03:14,006
It was a real high point.
66
00:03:14,089 --> 00:03:17,718
The ski trip, I mean,
not the completely rigged hotness contest.
67
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:19,261
-All in all, it was the best
68
00:03:19,345 --> 00:03:21,013
-we'd ever felt about the experiment.
-Ugh.
69
00:03:21,096 --> 00:03:23,390
And then Brent did something...
70
00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:25,434
very Brentian.
71
00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:27,728
Who could've
predicted that?
72
00:03:28,312 --> 00:03:30,272
Oh! Hey, ski bunnies.
73
00:03:30,898 --> 00:03:31,774
So, great news.
74
00:03:32,274 --> 00:03:35,694
I wrote a book,
and since you're my nerdiest friends,
75
00:03:35,778 --> 00:03:37,279
you get to be the first to read it.
76
00:03:37,363 --> 00:03:40,991
"Six Feet Under Par:
A Chip Driver Mystery."
77
00:03:41,075 --> 00:03:43,619
Yeah. It's half-spy novel,
half-murder mystery.
78
00:03:43,702 --> 00:03:46,622
It's also half-submarine adventure,
half-erotic memoir,
79
00:03:46,705 --> 00:03:47,998
and half-political thriller.
80
00:03:48,082 --> 00:03:51,835
It's also half-golf tutorial,
and half-commentary on society.
81
00:03:51,919 --> 00:03:53,379
So, it's three-and-a-half books in one?
82
00:03:53,462 --> 00:03:55,089
At least. So, read it ASAP.
83
00:03:55,172 --> 00:03:57,549
I'm having a book-signing party
and I want you to introduce me.
84
00:03:57,633 --> 00:03:59,260
-You know, talk about how great it is.
-Oh!
85
00:03:59,343 --> 00:04:01,303
Party's in two days, so chop-chop.
86
00:04:02,346 --> 00:04:03,973
Tahani. Cancel your plans.
87
00:04:04,056 --> 00:04:07,685
We're gonna split a bottle of wine
and read Brent's terrible novel out loud.
88
00:04:07,768 --> 00:04:08,936
Oh, dear.
89
00:04:09,603 --> 00:04:10,771
Perhaps we shouldn't make fun.
90
00:04:10,854 --> 00:04:13,274
He did seem nicer on the ski trip.
91
00:04:13,357 --> 00:04:14,942
He made us all s'mores.
92
00:04:15,526 --> 00:04:18,070
Though to be fair, he did also claim
to have invented them.
93
00:04:18,153 --> 00:04:22,324
Before you defend him, you might wanna
check out Chip Driver's love interest.
94
00:04:24,410 --> 00:04:25,369
Oh, no.
95
00:04:25,452 --> 00:04:28,289
"Her name was Scarlett Pakistan,
96
00:04:28,372 --> 00:04:33,460
and she was the type of girl you couldn't
take in all at once, or you'd die.
97
00:04:33,544 --> 00:04:36,672
You had to take her in bit by bit,
like a great work of art,
98
00:04:36,755 --> 00:04:37,715
like the Louvre."
99
00:04:37,798 --> 00:04:40,759
"Her brown eyes were as brown
as the brownest crayon.
100
00:04:40,843 --> 00:04:44,346
She had legs like Jessica Rabbit
from that movie."
101
00:04:44,430 --> 00:04:49,143
"Her long, flowing locks smelled like
the moon at twilight on a par four."
102
00:04:49,226 --> 00:04:50,269
Ugh.
103
00:04:50,352 --> 00:04:51,270
I'm sorry about this.
104
00:04:51,353 --> 00:04:52,896
I've been through worse.
105
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:54,857
Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party,
106
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:58,902
I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi
and Elon Musk.
107
00:04:58,986 --> 00:05:00,237
- This is bad.
108
00:05:00,321 --> 00:05:03,157
Brent and Simone
is our trickiest relationship.
109
00:05:03,866 --> 00:05:06,201
She tends to make
snap judgments about people,
110
00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:10,831
and he's a guy who repeatedly confirms
the accuracy of her snap judgments.
111
00:05:10,914 --> 00:05:15,836
We need her to believe that
Brent is better than his worst actions.
112
00:05:15,919 --> 00:05:19,465
Like saying that Tahani
"has an accent like the Queen of England,
113
00:05:19,548 --> 00:05:22,468
but without any of
the old, gross face parts."
114
00:05:22,551 --> 00:05:25,637
We felt like we could contain
the fallout from Brent's book.
115
00:05:25,721 --> 00:05:28,265
But as is often the case
with these things,
116
00:05:28,349 --> 00:05:30,309
the negative effects
started to ripple out.
117
00:05:30,392 --> 00:05:32,353
Oh. Like when someone throws up on a bus,
118
00:05:32,436 --> 00:05:33,937
and then someone smells it
and they throw up?
119
00:05:34,730 --> 00:05:35,773
Sure, yeah.
120
00:05:35,856 --> 00:05:36,857
What's wrong, homie?
121
00:05:36,940 --> 00:05:40,444
Oh, Brent wrote this book
and clearly, he put some of us in it.
122
00:05:40,527 --> 00:05:44,615
There's a cowardly character named
Four-Eyed Igby
123
00:05:44,698 --> 00:05:47,076
who "wears glasses and sweater-vests
124
00:05:47,159 --> 00:05:49,620
and never does anything
spontaneous or cool."
125
00:05:49,703 --> 00:05:52,414
I am educating you in ethics.
What could be cooler than that?
126
00:05:52,498 --> 00:05:55,292
If you want to try something spontaneous,
I'm your guy.
127
00:05:55,375 --> 00:05:57,669
Almost everything I did on Earth
I did without thinking,
128
00:05:57,753 --> 00:05:59,797
or worrying about what would happen.
129
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,217
That's how I got my nickname,
The Defendant.
130
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,552
Not the best argument, but you're right.
131
00:06:05,636 --> 00:06:08,597
What is something spontaneous
that I can do right now?
132
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,766
Let's come up with a list
of ten possibilities,
133
00:06:10,849 --> 00:06:12,851
and then slowly whittle it down
over the next four days.
134
00:06:12,935 --> 00:06:14,895
Better idea, let's dance, baby.
135
00:06:14,978 --> 00:06:15,938
Hmm?
136
00:06:18,107 --> 00:06:19,650
Get you out of your head.
137
00:06:19,733 --> 00:06:22,778
This is how we defeat Igby,
the no-fun nerd.
138
00:06:23,570 --> 00:06:24,571
Yeah.
139
00:06:25,239 --> 00:06:27,241
-Look at ol' Igby move.
-There you go.
140
00:06:28,617 --> 00:06:30,327
I've never heard this before. Who is it?
141
00:06:30,410 --> 00:06:33,789
Me. I wrote it. This song is called,
"I'll Love You Forever,
142
00:06:34,373 --> 00:06:36,667
parentheses: (Make that Booty Bounce
in the Bath)."
143
00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,670
Oh. Fun fact, the police sirens
in the background are real.
144
00:06:39,753 --> 00:06:41,630
I was being chased as I recorded it.
145
00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:46,385
Okay. Okay. Oh, no...
146
00:06:46,468 --> 00:06:49,429
Oh, my Gaga.
147
00:06:49,513 --> 00:06:52,099
So, obviously,
this was a troubling development.
148
00:06:52,182 --> 00:06:54,309
Ugh! Can you just skip to the end?
149
00:06:54,393 --> 00:06:56,854
No. I need to tell you the whole story.
150
00:06:56,937 --> 00:07:00,649
Why? Every story about humans
ends the same way.
151
00:07:00,732 --> 00:07:03,110
Just tell me how they screwed up
and put me out of my misery.
152
00:07:03,193 --> 00:07:04,987
You're judging them too quickly.
153
00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:08,323
Trust me, I've spent
a lot more time with people than you have.
154
00:07:08,407 --> 00:07:12,077
And I know literally everything
that every one of them has ever done.
155
00:07:12,161 --> 00:07:14,371
Do you know
what's happening right now on Earth?
156
00:07:14,454 --> 00:07:20,169
Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants
are refusing to vaccinate their children.
157
00:07:20,252 --> 00:07:24,923
Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing
the charger cable shape again.
158
00:07:25,007 --> 00:07:26,967
Where does this hope come from, man?
159
00:07:27,050 --> 00:07:29,678
This insane hope
that people are worth the trouble.
160
00:07:29,761 --> 00:07:31,722
To quote a terrible song
161
00:07:31,805 --> 00:07:34,975
by a terrible musician
that people love so much
162
00:07:35,058 --> 00:07:37,394
they constantly put it
in terrible movie trailers,
163
00:07:37,478 --> 00:07:39,771
humans are "b-b-b-bad to the bone."
164
00:07:41,857 --> 00:07:44,860
Well, I think that they're
g-g-g-good sometimes,
165
00:07:44,943 --> 00:07:48,572
and you should give them
the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt.
166
00:07:48,655 --> 00:07:49,490
Now...
167
00:07:49,990 --> 00:07:51,074
Where was I?
168
00:07:51,658 --> 00:07:52,951
Ugh!
169
00:07:54,036 --> 00:07:58,040
So. John had just accidentally
discovered the truth about Jason.
170
00:07:58,123 --> 00:08:00,083
Keeping a secret like this is exactly
171
00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:02,544
the kind of thing
that John struggled with on Earth.
172
00:08:02,628 --> 00:08:07,257
Or to put it in terms you'll understand,
the gossip toilet was about to overflow.
173
00:08:07,841 --> 00:08:08,717
Oh.
174
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,594
I do understand that now. Thank you.
175
00:08:10,677 --> 00:08:15,766
So, Jianyu is really Jason from Florida?
176
00:08:15,849 --> 00:08:17,059
Who else knows about this?
177
00:08:17,142 --> 00:08:20,103
Is it just me?
Is it an exclusive?
178
00:08:20,187 --> 00:08:22,147
Yes, and we
have to keep it that way.
179
00:08:22,231 --> 00:08:24,733
If the truth comes out,
we have no idea what will happen to Jason.
180
00:08:24,816 --> 00:08:26,985
You don't know what you're asking of me.
181
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:29,363
Look, the neighborhood
is obviously amazing,
182
00:08:29,446 --> 00:08:32,866
but it's also a little
"Season 4 of Downton Abbey."
183
00:08:32,950 --> 00:08:35,160
Beautifully designed,
but a real snoozefest.
184
00:08:35,244 --> 00:08:37,079
Jason being a mistake
185
00:08:37,162 --> 00:08:40,249
is easily the most exciting thing
that's happened since we got here.
186
00:08:40,332 --> 00:08:44,836
What if, in exchange for your discretion,
Jason teaches you
187
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,297
that Magic Mike body roll thing?
188
00:08:49,216 --> 00:08:50,092
Huh?
189
00:08:50,175 --> 00:08:52,177
I mean, you always said
you've wanted to learn that.
190
00:08:53,262 --> 00:08:54,805
-Fine.
191
00:08:54,888 --> 00:08:57,140
But I wanna learn the whole dance.
192
00:08:57,224 --> 00:08:59,685
We'd hoped Simone
would forget all about Brent's book,
193
00:08:59,768 --> 00:09:00,811
but unfortunately...
194
00:09:00,894 --> 00:09:05,107
"Chip Driver pulled up to the murder site
in his 1968 Cadillac.
195
00:09:05,190 --> 00:09:08,068
'Keep it close,' he growled
to the valet, Luis.
196
00:09:08,151 --> 00:09:09,945
'Of course, señor,' said Luis,
197
00:09:10,028 --> 00:09:13,907
who secretly admired Chip
more than even his own father."
198
00:09:13,991 --> 00:09:18,036
"Chip gazed at the sexy outline
of the murder victim on the floor.
199
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:19,788
'What a waste of curves,' he growled.
200
00:09:19,871 --> 00:09:23,041
He checked his Rolex watch,
which was real.
201
00:09:23,125 --> 00:09:26,753
It was almost golf o'clock,
so the case would have to wait.
202
00:09:26,837 --> 00:09:29,590
Good thing he'd already solved it.
203
00:09:29,673 --> 00:09:33,051
-The killer was Luis, the valet."
204
00:09:33,135 --> 00:09:36,054
He solves the murder on page ten.
What is the rest of this book about?
205
00:09:36,138 --> 00:09:37,889
-How's it going, ladies?
206
00:09:38,473 --> 00:09:41,310
Oh, you know, just delving
into the great works of literature.
207
00:09:41,393 --> 00:09:44,104
Yeah, so, listen. Um...
208
00:09:44,187 --> 00:09:49,526
Maybe Brent made some insensitive choices,
209
00:09:49,610 --> 00:09:51,653
but could you possibly
see your way to forgiving him?
210
00:09:52,279 --> 00:09:53,572
-I suppose.
-No.
211
00:09:54,239 --> 00:09:55,115
No?
212
00:09:55,198 --> 00:09:57,075
Sorry, but no, I can't.
213
00:09:57,159 --> 00:10:00,579
This book is objectifying,
misogynistic and racist.
214
00:10:00,662 --> 00:10:02,873
Why are we still dealing
with this shirt in the Good Place?
215
00:10:02,956 --> 00:10:05,167
When people like him are ignorant jerks,
216
00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:07,628
why are people like us
asked to forgive him?
217
00:10:07,711 --> 00:10:09,880
Also, and this is less important,
218
00:10:09,963 --> 00:10:12,549
why is he in a fighter jet
for his author photo?
219
00:10:12,633 --> 00:10:15,761
Well, I can answer the last one.
It's because he loves Top Gun.
220
00:10:15,844 --> 00:10:18,472
-Oh.
-As for the other questions,
221
00:10:18,555 --> 00:10:21,642
I will get back to you, after I consult
222
00:10:21,725 --> 00:10:25,020
a number of immortal beings,
who are very wise.
223
00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:31,234
Didn't take you for a linksman.
224
00:10:31,318 --> 00:10:33,070
I appreciate golf.
225
00:10:33,153 --> 00:10:34,696
As Ben Hogan once said,
226
00:10:34,780 --> 00:10:37,491
"The most important shot in golf
is the next one."
227
00:10:37,574 --> 00:10:39,576
That's a lovely idea.
228
00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:44,039
If you make a mistake, you always have
a chance to redeem yourself.
229
00:10:44,122 --> 00:10:46,917
Yeah, well, as John Daly once said
to David Lee Roth
230
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,170
at the 2002 Chili's Pro-Am in Orlando,
231
00:10:50,253 --> 00:10:52,464
"Suck on this drive, buttmunch!"
232
00:10:57,052 --> 00:10:58,679
Whoo!
233
00:10:58,762 --> 00:11:01,306
Nailed it.
That was a flusher but she sank.
234
00:11:01,390 --> 00:11:04,476
Perhaps an adept linksman
like yourself should play
235
00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:06,895
with the assistance filter turned off?
236
00:11:07,479 --> 00:11:10,524
-Let's play old-school.
-All right. Why not?
237
00:11:14,027 --> 00:11:16,071
Fork! You sneezed, man.
238
00:11:16,154 --> 00:11:18,782
I don't think I sneezed,
because I literally can't.
239
00:11:18,865 --> 00:11:20,700
Well, somebody sneezed. Damn it.
240
00:11:20,784 --> 00:11:23,078
Brent, buddy, nobody sneezed.
241
00:11:23,161 --> 00:11:26,748
-You hit a bad shot, and it's fine.
242
00:11:26,832 --> 00:11:29,960
You know, it isn't a sign of weakness
to admit that you screwed up.
243
00:11:30,710 --> 00:11:32,212
Fine, whatever, I shanked it.
244
00:11:32,295 --> 00:11:37,634
There ya go. Now let's go find your ball,
and try to do better on your next shot.
245
00:11:37,717 --> 00:11:39,678
And you know, if this ends up
246
00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:44,891
applying to any other aspect
of your life later on, then cool.
247
00:11:45,725 --> 00:11:47,853
-What?
-What? Nothing. Nothing.
248
00:11:47,936 --> 00:11:49,479
I gotta say, Bad Janet,
249
00:11:49,563 --> 00:11:52,607
I really felt like
I had managed to stop the bleeding.
250
00:11:52,691 --> 00:11:54,943
You thought that dingdong would do
a total personality 180
251
00:11:55,026 --> 00:11:56,903
because of one gentle metaphor?
252
00:11:56,987 --> 00:11:58,947
What can I say? I'm an optimist.
253
00:11:59,030 --> 00:12:03,410
But two days later, at the event,
it fell apart almost immediately.
254
00:12:03,493 --> 00:12:05,996
Hey, uh, thanks for not telling anyone
about Jason.
255
00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:09,749
Oh, well, ever since I arrived here,
Tahani helped me realize
256
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:13,003
that gossip was an unhealthy way for me
to boost my self-esteem.
257
00:12:13,086 --> 00:12:16,506
But on the other hand,
this Jason tea needs to be spilled.
258
00:12:16,590 --> 00:12:18,258
Just try to remember
what Immanuel Kant said,
259
00:12:18,341 --> 00:12:20,886
"It is your duty
to keep your friend's secrets."
260
00:12:20,969 --> 00:12:23,638
But my favorite philosopher,
Bethenny Frankel, would say
261
00:12:23,722 --> 00:12:28,059
that I have a duty to "mention it all!"
And "if you can't handle the truth,
262
00:12:28,143 --> 00:12:29,936
then you can't handle me."
263
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:31,354
-Once again, I beg you, please listen
264
00:12:31,438 --> 00:12:34,608
to Immanuel Kant and not Bethenny Frankel.
265
00:12:34,691 --> 00:12:37,068
Gah! Well, I gotta goss about something.
266
00:12:37,152 --> 00:12:38,153
What about a few blind items
267
00:12:38,236 --> 00:12:39,779
-that I picked up around the neighborhood?
268
00:12:39,863 --> 00:12:41,740
You wanna know who wears
the same dumb shorts every day?
269
00:12:41,823 --> 00:12:43,950
-No, I don't.
-It's "Dumb Shorts Cathy."
270
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:45,535
Simone?
271
00:12:46,411 --> 00:12:50,624
Uh, I have been thinking about those
very good questions that you asked me.
272
00:12:50,707 --> 00:12:51,833
I'm sorry for the delay.
273
00:12:51,917 --> 00:12:57,506
The ancient scrolls I had to consult
were very hard to... roll back up.
274
00:12:57,589 --> 00:13:00,967
Um, anyway, I thought about
what you should say to Brent
275
00:13:01,051 --> 00:13:02,844
when he asks
for your opinion of his novel.
276
00:13:02,928 --> 00:13:06,181
Me, too. I have a great idea.
I'm gonna tell him it sucks very hard.
277
00:13:06,264 --> 00:13:10,352
Well, listen. You're absolutely right
that Brent needs to evolve, but
278
00:13:10,435 --> 00:13:15,148
there may be a more subtle way
to make that happen.
279
00:13:15,732 --> 00:13:17,067
Hey, there they are.
280
00:13:17,150 --> 00:13:19,277
-Charlie's Angels.
- Oof.
281
00:13:19,361 --> 00:13:21,196
So, did you finish the book?
What'd you think?
282
00:13:21,279 --> 00:13:25,075
Well, very interesting word choices.
283
00:13:25,158 --> 00:13:29,579
I've definitely never seen the word
"pants-tent" used so many times.
284
00:13:29,663 --> 00:13:31,331
Yeah. I kinda just felt like,
in that moment,
285
00:13:31,414 --> 00:13:33,500
that that's what the surgeon general
would say.
286
00:13:33,583 --> 00:13:35,585
What else? Let's hear some more complos.
287
00:13:36,586 --> 00:13:38,588
Compliments. For when you introduce me.
288
00:13:39,297 --> 00:13:41,841
Just writing a book
is an amazing accomplishment.
289
00:13:41,925 --> 00:13:44,135
You bet your butt it is.
The story's incredible, too.
290
00:13:44,219 --> 00:13:47,931
I mean, Chip solves the mystery
on page ten. Greatest detective ever.
291
00:13:48,014 --> 00:13:49,474
So, hop on up there,
292
00:13:49,558 --> 00:13:51,893
and just speak from the heart
about how it's your favorite book ever.
293
00:13:55,146 --> 00:13:56,731
Actually, I have to say, um,
294
00:13:56,815 --> 00:14:00,360
the Scarlett Pakistan character
is clearly based on Tahani,
295
00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:02,153
and it's not exactly flattering.
296
00:14:02,737 --> 00:14:04,030
Not flattering?
297
00:14:04,781 --> 00:14:06,074
I said she's got huge ones.
298
00:14:06,157 --> 00:14:08,577
-Ultimate complo.
-Yeah, see, there...
299
00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:11,204
Brent, remember our conversation
about making mistakes
300
00:14:11,288 --> 00:14:14,165
and how the most important shot
is the next one?
301
00:14:14,249 --> 00:14:16,793
Hang on a second. You guys agree with her?
302
00:14:17,419 --> 00:14:18,420
Unreal.
303
00:14:18,503 --> 00:14:19,546
I didn't ask to get yelled at
304
00:14:19,629 --> 00:14:21,631
-by the PC police. You know...
305
00:14:21,715 --> 00:14:22,882
...I was gonna give you
10% off the cover price.
306
00:14:22,966 --> 00:14:25,594
But now you're gonna have to pay
the full 65 bucks like everybody else.
307
00:14:25,677 --> 00:14:27,178
There's no money here.
308
00:14:27,929 --> 00:14:29,139
Book event is canceled.
309
00:14:29,222 --> 00:14:30,974
Because of these mean women.
310
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:32,976
Oh, man.
311
00:14:35,312 --> 00:14:37,898
Perhaps I can convince Simone
to handle this the British way:
312
00:14:37,981 --> 00:14:42,027
smile bravely, bury your feelings
and allow a steady drizzle
313
00:14:42,110 --> 00:14:44,529
to slowly wash away your sadness
over 50 years.
314
00:14:45,155 --> 00:14:49,034
F that. Simone is not the problem.
Brent is.
315
00:14:49,117 --> 00:14:51,119
He needs to change,
316
00:14:51,202 --> 00:14:53,872
and walking on eggshells around him
ain't gonna do the trick.
317
00:14:53,955 --> 00:14:56,750
We need to throw the egg
right at his face.
318
00:14:56,833 --> 00:15:01,421
You're right. Enough is enough.
He lived on Earth for almost 60 years.
319
00:15:01,504 --> 00:15:04,299
This experiment is more than halfway over.
320
00:15:04,382 --> 00:15:06,384
He's got to improve,
and we can't wait forever.
321
00:15:06,468 --> 00:15:08,428
Janet, where is he now?
322
00:15:08,511 --> 00:15:09,971
Take a wild guess.
323
00:15:11,973 --> 00:15:13,600
Hey, bud. Whatcha up to?
324
00:15:13,683 --> 00:15:16,144
-Grippin' and rippin'?
-Trying to.
325
00:15:16,227 --> 00:15:18,021
Just seems like the big dog
don't wanna hunt today.
326
00:15:18,730 --> 00:15:20,899
You know, Simone was very mean to me.
327
00:15:21,524 --> 00:15:23,193
Maybe even a little racist.
328
00:15:23,276 --> 00:15:25,820
Well, listen. Art is subjective.
329
00:15:26,988 --> 00:15:29,574
More importantly...
330
00:15:29,658 --> 00:15:32,118
No other way to put this, buddy.
You made a mistake.
331
00:15:32,202 --> 00:15:33,995
Your actions hurt people,
332
00:15:34,079 --> 00:15:36,414
and you have to take responsibility
for that.
333
00:15:37,540 --> 00:15:40,293
You need to come back and apologize.
334
00:15:40,377 --> 00:15:43,672
Take the first step
toward healing the neighborhood.
335
00:15:44,881 --> 00:15:46,716
Fine. I'll be the bigger man.
336
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,093
Just like my dad,
337
00:15:48,176 --> 00:15:50,512
when he single-handedly took on
all those class-action lawsuits.
338
00:15:52,472 --> 00:15:53,306
-I just wish I could
339
00:15:53,390 --> 00:15:54,224
get through to the guy.
340
00:15:54,307 --> 00:15:56,935
I wonder if he'd respond
to some social contract theory.
341
00:15:57,018 --> 00:15:58,395
Why are you trying to help him?
342
00:15:58,478 --> 00:16:00,063
He doesn't even know you exist.
343
00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:01,731
He doesn't see other people.
344
00:16:01,815 --> 00:16:05,986
I mean, he did call me "a four-eyed coward
who probably dry-humps books."
345
00:16:06,069 --> 00:16:07,404
-But why not be a bigger person
346
00:16:07,487 --> 00:16:08,321
and rise above it?
347
00:16:08,405 --> 00:16:09,948
I'll tell you why. Because doing that
348
00:16:10,031 --> 00:16:12,325
sends a message
that it's okay to be treated this way,
349
00:16:12,409 --> 00:16:13,243
and it's not okay
350
00:16:13,326 --> 00:16:14,703
-to treat anyone that way.
351
00:16:14,786 --> 00:16:17,706
Not Tahani. Not me. Not even you, Igby.
352
00:16:18,415 --> 00:16:20,500
-Everyone? Gather round, please.
353
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:23,044
Brent has something that he'd like to say.
354
00:16:26,631 --> 00:16:27,465
Okay.
355
00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:30,343
Regarding my critically acclaimed novel,
356
00:16:30,927 --> 00:16:32,762
I am very sorry
357
00:16:32,846 --> 00:16:35,682
if you were offended. Okay?
358
00:16:36,599 --> 00:16:37,559
Not an apology.
359
00:16:37,642 --> 00:16:39,060
Yes, it was.
360
00:16:39,144 --> 00:16:40,353
Okay, fine.
361
00:16:41,354 --> 00:16:44,065
I'm sorry if what I wrote,
which was perfectly okay,
362
00:16:44,149 --> 00:16:46,443
somehow made you feel like it wasn't okay.
363
00:16:46,526 --> 00:16:48,069
But you know what, that's on you.
364
00:16:48,153 --> 00:16:50,155
Brent, wrong direction, bud.
365
00:16:50,238 --> 00:16:53,700
No, sorry, man, either apologize for real
or stop wasting our time.
366
00:16:53,783 --> 00:16:56,661
Okay, you know what? I'm actually
not sorry at all. How about that?
367
00:16:56,745 --> 00:16:57,704
Is that what you want to hear?
368
00:16:57,787 --> 00:16:59,706
Very obviously not.
369
00:16:59,789 --> 00:17:01,583
Why don't we take a break?
Let's all get a snack.
370
00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:04,753
Not until they give me
the complos I rightly deserve.
371
00:17:04,836 --> 00:17:07,130
You want a complo?
I'll give you a complo.
372
00:17:07,213 --> 00:17:11,009
I didn't think it was possible
to write a book as awful as yours.
373
00:17:11,092 --> 00:17:13,678
I literally didn't think
human beings were capable
374
00:17:13,762 --> 00:17:16,848
of such racist, sexist poppycock.
375
00:17:16,931 --> 00:17:20,643
Also, Chip Driver is either a private eye,
376
00:17:20,727 --> 00:17:23,188
or the quarterback for the Chicago Bears,
377
00:17:23,271 --> 00:17:25,482
or "the world's strongest president."
378
00:17:25,565 --> 00:17:26,733
He cannot be all three.
379
00:17:29,736 --> 00:17:30,653
Oh, boy.
380
00:17:31,237 --> 00:17:32,614
This is a disgrace.
381
00:17:33,114 --> 00:17:36,409
I accomplished something. I wrote a novel.
382
00:17:36,493 --> 00:17:38,244
And now my integrity is being attacked?
383
00:17:38,328 --> 00:17:39,496
I have been called racist, sexist.
384
00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:41,998
I don't have a racist or sexist bone
in my body.
385
00:17:42,082 --> 00:17:44,084
I am Brent Norwalk, and I'm a good person.
386
00:17:44,167 --> 00:17:45,585
I'm in the Good Place.
You ever heard of it?
387
00:17:45,668 --> 00:17:47,670
And I'm here because I deserve to be here.
388
00:17:47,754 --> 00:17:50,340
I'm here because I earned it,
by being the best.
389
00:17:50,423 --> 00:17:51,758
Ugh, you're ridiculous.
390
00:17:51,841 --> 00:17:53,176
Yeah and you're a condescending bench.
391
00:17:54,177 --> 00:17:57,222
Uh, don't talk to her that way, please.
Hey, I have an idea.
392
00:17:57,305 --> 00:18:00,266
Let me summon
a few philosophical works we can use--
393
00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:02,644
Ugh! Enough with the frickin' books, Igby.
394
00:18:02,727 --> 00:18:03,812
You probably don't even know this,
395
00:18:03,895 --> 00:18:05,021
but that character is based on you.
396
00:18:05,105 --> 00:18:06,856
No, I knew it, man. Oh!
397
00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:09,067
-Look out!
-Ah! I'm being attacked again.
398
00:18:09,150 --> 00:18:10,693
-Sorry, that was unintentional.
-Fork you.
399
00:18:16,866 --> 00:18:18,451
So, I'm thinking bagel bites...
400
00:18:19,244 --> 00:18:20,829
-for the snack?
401
00:18:21,913 --> 00:18:23,039
Ah.
402
00:18:23,123 --> 00:18:25,959
Middle-aged American male fragility.
403
00:18:26,042 --> 00:18:27,836
You know why they're called
baby boomers, right?
404
00:18:27,919 --> 00:18:31,172
Because the tiniest little pinprick
to their ego and boom!
405
00:18:31,256 --> 00:18:33,049
They become babies.
406
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:35,426
I mean, that was it. We were forked.
407
00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:38,263
Six months of painstaking work,
408
00:18:38,346 --> 00:18:43,726
trying to help the four humans overcome
their worst instincts and bond as a group.
409
00:18:43,810 --> 00:18:46,896
And in a poof, it was gone.
410
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,357
I told you, man. Humans suck.
411
00:18:51,192 --> 00:18:55,613
Well, this story has one more chapter.
412
00:19:00,201 --> 00:19:02,328
So, today was bad.
413
00:19:03,204 --> 00:19:06,166
Today was very bad.
Everyone for sure lost a bunch of points.
414
00:19:08,459 --> 00:19:10,295
And I don't have a solution.
415
00:19:12,755 --> 00:19:16,759
Okay. Well, let's reset.
416
00:19:16,843 --> 00:19:18,803
I'll do something mildly iffy,
417
00:19:18,887 --> 00:19:22,515
and let John make a small,
good decision to help.
418
00:19:22,599 --> 00:19:25,476
I could tell him
I'm going to get ombre highlights,
419
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,686
and let him talk me out of it.
420
00:19:26,769 --> 00:19:28,521
What's wrong with ombre highlights?
421
00:19:28,605 --> 00:19:31,816
Eleanor. Please.
This week has been hard enough.
422
00:19:33,151 --> 00:19:37,363
I could set my robes on fire
and try and get Brent to put it out.
423
00:19:37,447 --> 00:19:40,658
I know you're only suggesting that
because you've repeatedly said
424
00:19:40,742 --> 00:19:42,785
you would look "dope"
in flaming monk robes,
425
00:19:42,869 --> 00:19:44,329
but that's actually not a bad idea.
426
00:19:45,205 --> 00:19:47,957
Force him to help someone
without actually thinking about it.
427
00:19:48,041 --> 00:19:50,168
Then maybe I'll ask Chidi to lead
a class on empathy.
428
00:19:50,251 --> 00:19:52,337
Yes! Okay, let's write these down.
429
00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:53,755
We got plenty of time left.
430
00:19:53,838 --> 00:19:55,131
We can get back on track.
431
00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:57,717
- That was an hour ago.
432
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:02,138
Right before I came here
to see you for the last time.
433
00:20:02,222 --> 00:20:06,684
For months, you and I have been debating,
are people good or bad?
434
00:20:06,768 --> 00:20:08,519
But as I watched those three people
435
00:20:08,603 --> 00:20:10,939
pick themselves up
and dust themselves off,
436
00:20:11,022 --> 00:20:13,733
I realized we've been asking
the wrong question.
437
00:20:13,816 --> 00:20:16,861
What matters
isn't if people are good or bad.
438
00:20:16,945 --> 00:20:22,951
What matters is if they're trying to be
better today than they were yesterday.
439
00:20:23,534 --> 00:20:25,286
You ask me where my hope comes from?
440
00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:27,205
That's your answer.
441
00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:31,167
What are you doing?
442
00:20:31,251 --> 00:20:32,502
Sending you home.
443
00:20:32,585 --> 00:20:35,546
I'm not marbleizing you, Janet.
I'm letting you go.
444
00:20:35,630 --> 00:20:38,049
I've tried to win you over to our side.
445
00:20:38,132 --> 00:20:42,178
It hasn't worked, so keeping you
as a prisoner just seems cruel.
446
00:20:42,262 --> 00:20:45,431
Letting you go home is how I've decided
447
00:20:45,515 --> 00:20:50,019
to be a little better today
than I was yesterday.
448
00:20:51,854 --> 00:20:53,147
Here's your phone...
449
00:20:54,190 --> 00:20:56,526
and a, uh, parting gift.
450
00:20:56,609 --> 00:20:58,486
Oh. Sweet. Is that Brent's book?
451
00:20:58,569 --> 00:21:02,240
No. I didn't have any cash on me,
so I couldn't get you a copy.
452
00:21:02,824 --> 00:21:04,200
This is a manifesto,
453
00:21:04,284 --> 00:21:06,869
detailing everything
that's happened with the humans.
454
00:21:06,953 --> 00:21:09,455
-Janet and I wrote it a while back.
455
00:21:09,539 --> 00:21:11,374
She's been updating it as we go.
456
00:21:11,457 --> 00:21:14,043
-I hope you'll read it.
-Great thinking.
457
00:21:14,127 --> 00:21:17,547
People that get books as gifts
always read them.
458
00:21:18,047 --> 00:21:19,966
Bye!