1
00:00:09,613 --> 00:00:11,115
So, what's on tap for today?

2
00:00:11,198 --> 00:00:13,451
Chidi's study group
should be off and running.

3
00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:15,661
We can go check in on how Brent's doing.

4
00:00:15,745 --> 00:00:19,582
If there's anyone that can turn that
ashhole into a good person, it's Chidi.

5
00:00:19,665 --> 00:00:23,294
My man used to collect action figures
of famous philosophers.

6
00:00:23,377 --> 00:00:26,839
"Ooh, Eleanor, look, it's a near-mint
Arthur Schopenhauer,

7
00:00:26,922 --> 00:00:28,758
-with a working quill!"

8
00:00:28,841 --> 00:00:29,967
What a dork.

9
00:00:30,551 --> 00:00:31,886
I love him so much.

10
00:00:31,969 --> 00:00:34,638
Chidi might make the new humans better
all on his own.

11
00:00:34,722 --> 00:00:37,099
It's so great he erased his memory.

12
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:41,228
But, you know,
it's also quite sad, for you,

13
00:00:41,312 --> 00:00:45,149
in a way that I always think about,
and am respectful of.

14
00:00:46,233 --> 00:00:47,902
What the fork?

15
00:00:47,985 --> 00:00:50,237
Hi, Eleanor. Hi, Michael.

16
00:00:50,321 --> 00:00:52,239
We were just heading off for a picnic.

17
00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:56,952
Oh! You know, we were actually just gonna
go check in on your new student, Brent.

18
00:00:57,036 --> 00:00:58,913
Oh, I'm not sure Brent's in it
for the long haul.

19
00:00:58,996 --> 00:01:00,581
He came to one session,

20
00:01:00,664 --> 00:01:03,751
and then he said he got a B-plus
in Moral Values at Princeton,

21
00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:05,419
and so maybe he should be the professor.

22
00:01:05,503 --> 00:01:07,630
Then he asked me if I knew
that he went to Princeton.

23
00:01:07,713 --> 00:01:08,881
I said I did.

24
00:01:09,423 --> 00:01:11,926
Then he said he went to Princeton,
and he left.

25
00:01:12,009 --> 00:01:13,135
Eh, what are you gonna do?

26
00:01:13,219 --> 00:01:15,096
Well, just for argument's sake,

27
00:01:15,179 --> 00:01:19,100
what would Kant say about your duty
to help your fellow human beings?

28
00:01:19,183 --> 00:01:21,852
Well, honestly,
when the weather is this perfect,

29
00:01:21,936 --> 00:01:25,731
I think that Kant would say,
"Who's up for some frisbee golf?"

30
00:01:31,028 --> 00:01:33,572
Guys, you gotta hear this joke
I made about Kant.

31
00:01:33,656 --> 00:01:37,326
Never seen Chidi like that.
He was chillaxing,

32
00:01:37,409 --> 00:01:40,955
which is a word I just invented
combining "Chidi" and "relaxing."

33
00:01:41,038 --> 00:01:45,251
I guess once you have the burden of
saving humanity removed from your brain,

34
00:01:45,334 --> 00:01:46,377
life is dandy.

35
00:01:46,460 --> 00:01:48,045
Must be nice, Chidi.

36
00:01:48,128 --> 00:01:51,215
That's what's missing.
Chidi isn't being tortured.

37
00:01:51,298 --> 00:01:53,592
As far as he's concerned,
he did everything right on Earth,

38
00:01:53,676 --> 00:01:55,970
so now he just gets to enjoy himself.

39
00:01:56,053 --> 00:01:59,140
If we don't force Chidi
into stressful decision-making,

40
00:01:59,223 --> 00:02:01,767
he won't even have the chance
to become a better person.

41
00:02:01,851 --> 00:02:02,685
Right.

42
00:02:02,768 --> 00:02:05,896
If you wanna make a pearl,
you gotta get some sand in your clam.

43
00:02:05,980 --> 00:02:06,814
Oyster.

44
00:02:06,897 --> 00:02:09,400
We need Chidi to live in a world
of low-grade dread.

45
00:02:09,483 --> 00:02:10,359
I've got this.

46
00:02:10,442 --> 00:02:13,696
I have a ton of experience
making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable.

47
00:02:13,779 --> 00:02:16,824
First up, we fill his acoustic guitar
with wet cat food.

48
00:02:17,408 --> 00:02:19,410
Judge me all you want, I get results.

49
00:02:26,709 --> 00:02:27,960
-Janet, darling?
-Hi, there.

50
00:02:28,043 --> 00:02:30,129
-Ooh! You dyed your hair?
-I did.

51
00:02:30,212 --> 00:02:33,716
After I broke up with Jason, I researched
how humans cope with relationships ending,

52
00:02:33,799 --> 00:02:36,677
and number eight on the list was
doing something dumb with your hair.

53
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,889
Number 42 was watch <i>Mamma Mia!</i>
<i>Here We Go Again, </i>so I did that, too.

54
00:02:39,972 --> 00:02:41,098
It was okay.

55
00:02:41,182 --> 00:02:42,975
It's just a lot of the same songs
as the first one.

56
00:02:43,058 --> 00:02:46,145
Well, hopefully "diving back into work"
was also high on that list,

57
00:02:46,228 --> 00:02:49,231
because we need to help John
and I know how.

58
00:02:49,315 --> 00:02:50,357
Spa day.

59
00:02:50,441 --> 00:02:51,317
"Spa day"?

60
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,819
That's right, Janet.
I've cracked the code.

61
00:02:53,903 --> 00:02:57,448
See, in 2014, John wrote 11 articles

62
00:02:57,531 --> 00:03:00,784
mocking Gigi Hadid's vacation
at an exclusive resort in Bali.

63
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:03,954
But then he researched cheap flights
to Bali for himself,

64
00:03:04,038 --> 00:03:08,208
and looked into something called
a "discount hotel package"?

65
00:03:08,292 --> 00:03:12,588
See, John's pettiness was the result of
feeling excluded by the rich and powerful.

66
00:03:12,671 --> 00:03:14,465
So, I, the rich and powerful,

67
00:03:14,548 --> 00:03:18,844
shall welcome him into an exclusive world
of luxury and pampering.

68
00:03:18,928 --> 00:03:20,262
Oh, he loves celebrity gossip.

69
00:03:20,346 --> 00:03:22,514
You should tell him how eight
different characters from <i>Game of Thrones</i>

70
00:03:22,598 --> 00:03:23,474
are based on you.

71
00:03:23,557 --> 00:03:27,394
That is a great idea.
See? You're getting it now.

72
00:03:27,478 --> 00:03:31,148
First, we open his pores
and then we open his heart.

73
00:03:31,231 --> 00:03:37,196
We exfoliate the dead skin cells of envy,
and we detoxify his soul.

74
00:03:37,279 --> 00:03:39,615
-Spa day.
-Spa day.

75
00:03:39,698 --> 00:03:41,575
-I'm so excited for spa day!

76
00:03:42,243 --> 00:03:44,453
I mean, I know I can eat
whatever I want and not gain weight,

77
00:03:44,536 --> 00:03:45,955
and the air is obviously perfect,

78
00:03:46,038 --> 00:03:48,499
and no one has any jobs,
or stress or problems,

79
00:03:48,582 --> 00:03:50,960
but I just feel like I need this.

80
00:03:51,043 --> 00:03:54,964
Well, you are in for a treat,
'cause I had Janet build an exact replica

81
00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:58,092
of Victoria Beckham's
ultra-exclusive private spa.

82
00:03:58,175 --> 00:03:59,093
Posh's spa?

83
00:03:59,635 --> 00:04:00,469
The Posh Wash?

84
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:02,846
It's the most coveted invitation
in England.

85
00:04:02,930 --> 00:04:05,432
Membership is based
on weight and net worth.

86
00:04:05,516 --> 00:04:08,102
Gain a pound or lose a pound
and you're out.

87
00:04:08,185 --> 00:04:09,144
-Shall we go?

88
00:04:10,688 --> 00:04:13,232
Jason, there you are. We need your help.

89
00:04:13,315 --> 00:04:15,401
Okay, hand me the jar.

90
00:04:16,443 --> 00:04:19,405
-What?
-The peanut butter jar. Give it.

91
00:04:20,197 --> 00:04:23,033
You said you needed help
opening a peanut butter jar.

92
00:04:23,117 --> 00:04:24,243
No, we didn't.

93
00:04:24,326 --> 00:04:25,160
Oh.

94
00:04:26,203 --> 00:04:28,747
-Then who said that?
-No one. Shut up and listen.

95
00:04:28,831 --> 00:04:31,292
We need your help
with something very important.

96
00:04:31,375 --> 00:04:32,209
Are you sure?

97
00:04:32,293 --> 00:04:34,628
I'll probably just mess it up
like I messed things up with Janet.

98
00:04:34,712 --> 00:04:37,006
Dude, helping to save humanity

99
00:04:37,089 --> 00:04:39,341
is as good a way as any
to get over a breakup.

100
00:04:39,425 --> 00:04:41,510
It's not like Janet has a car you can key,

101
00:04:41,593 --> 00:04:43,429
or a house you can "Left Eye Lopes."

102
00:04:44,263 --> 00:04:47,474
Okay, I'm in. I got your back, guys.

103
00:04:47,558 --> 00:04:48,475
Now, hand me that jar.

104
00:04:49,852 --> 00:04:51,854
Are you speaking metaphorically?

105
00:04:51,937 --> 00:04:55,441
Like, the task we're embarking on
is a metaphorical jar

106
00:04:55,524 --> 00:04:58,319
you're gonna open
by accomplishing the task?

107
00:04:59,778 --> 00:05:01,488
Yes.

108
00:05:01,989 --> 00:05:05,743
Oh, goodie, cucumber water.

109
00:05:05,826 --> 00:05:09,913
Nope, this is fresh water
from Oprah's estate in Maui,

110
00:05:09,997 --> 00:05:12,875
with mushrooms from her private bog
in the Pyrenees mountains.

111
00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:15,169
Oh, my God, it tastes like candy.

112
00:05:15,252 --> 00:05:16,170
You know what they say,

113
00:05:16,253 --> 00:05:19,965
"A mushroom from Oprah's bog is
better than anything from anywhere else."

114
00:05:20,049 --> 00:05:22,468
I didn't know that they said that.

115
00:05:22,551 --> 00:05:25,137
I missed out on all
the cool celebrity sayings.

116
00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:26,638
Say goodbye to FOMO.

117
00:05:26,722 --> 00:05:30,142
You can finally experience
the best of the best.

118
00:05:30,225 --> 00:05:34,313
The only thing that would make this any
better is some hot goss.

119
00:05:34,396 --> 00:05:35,230
Very well.

120
00:05:35,314 --> 00:05:39,026
Our story begins when I ran into
Robbie Williams, Heidi Klum,

121
00:05:39,109 --> 00:05:43,155
and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony
at the Dolce & Gabbana spring show.

122
00:05:43,238 --> 00:05:47,159
Hate him, loathe her, over them,
cancel it, tell me everything.

123
00:05:47,242 --> 00:05:50,079
So Natalie Portman does
all of Scarlett Johansson's stunts?

124
00:05:50,162 --> 00:05:53,415
-Why?
-For the power. Just to say she can.

125
00:05:53,499 --> 00:05:55,542
Sure. I get that.

126
00:05:55,626 --> 00:05:59,505
Oh, Tahani, I feel amazing. Thank you.

127
00:05:59,588 --> 00:06:00,881
You're quite welcome.

128
00:06:00,964 --> 00:06:03,884
Hey, you know what would give you
an even more luminous glow?

129
00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:07,638
There was a sort of inner treatment
that was all the rage on Earth,

130
00:06:07,721 --> 00:06:09,431
the study of ethics.

131
00:06:09,515 --> 00:06:12,017
Think of it as a colonic,
but for your soul.

132
00:06:12,101 --> 00:06:13,811
Our resident philosopher, Chidi Anagonye,

133
00:06:13,894 --> 00:06:15,687
leads an ethics study group
in his apartment.

134
00:06:15,771 --> 00:06:17,940
What do you say you and I sit in?

135
00:06:18,023 --> 00:06:23,904
Would I like to use my time in heaven
to audit a philosophy class?

136
00:06:23,987 --> 00:06:25,948
Um...

137
00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:26,865
No.

138
00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:29,034
You stay crazy, girl. Bye.

139
00:06:32,538 --> 00:06:33,831
- Hey.
- Hi.

140
00:06:33,914 --> 00:06:36,041
-So, how was the picnic?
-Oh, amazing.

141
00:06:36,125 --> 00:06:38,877
I mean, there were ants everywhere,
but they were so helpful.

142
00:06:38,961 --> 00:06:40,838
They carried our wine glasses
back and forth

143
00:06:40,921 --> 00:06:43,590
and they folded our napkins for us.
It was so cute.

144
00:06:43,674 --> 00:06:46,051
Wait till you see the otters
who do our turndown service.

145
00:06:46,135 --> 00:06:48,095
Listen, you might know Jianyu, the monk?

146
00:06:48,178 --> 00:06:50,389
He wants to join
your philosophy study group.

147
00:06:50,472 --> 00:06:52,432
Oh, sure, we can get that
up and running again.

148
00:06:52,516 --> 00:06:54,893
Maybe discuss some Lao Tzu and Confucius.

149
00:06:54,977 --> 00:06:56,520
Fun! Everything is so fun.

150
00:06:56,603 --> 00:06:57,437
Perfect.

151
00:06:57,521 --> 00:07:01,900
Um, just one thing. So, he's been having
kind of a hard time adjusting here.

152
00:07:01,984 --> 00:07:04,736
Apparently, monks aren't
the most social creatures.

153
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:07,030
So, just promise me
you'll help him no matter what?

154
00:07:07,114 --> 00:07:12,327
Eleanor, I swear to you, I will look after
Jianyu as if he is my own brother.

155
00:07:12,411 --> 00:07:13,245
Wow.

156
00:07:13,328 --> 00:07:17,082
I mean, a promise from
a strict Kantian like yourself

157
00:07:17,166 --> 00:07:20,544
is just about the most ironclad agreement
in the universe.

158
00:07:21,128 --> 00:07:24,047
- Okay, buh-bye.
-Bye.

159
00:07:25,215 --> 00:07:27,885
So, Jianyu, would you like some--

160
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,720
Yo, shut up for a sec.
I'm not a Buddhist monk.

161
00:07:29,803 --> 00:07:31,472
My name is Jason Mendoza,

162
00:07:31,555 --> 00:07:33,765
I'm a DJ from Florida,
and I'm not supposed to be here.

163
00:07:33,849 --> 00:07:36,477
You gotta help me out, homie.
I'm scared.

164
00:07:37,060 --> 00:07:39,605
Tea.
I was gonna offer you some tea.

165
00:07:42,649 --> 00:07:46,236
Dude, thanks to you, my dream came true.
I have a shiny new budhole.

166
00:07:46,945 --> 00:07:48,363
-You okay, homie?
-No.

167
00:07:49,031 --> 00:07:52,659
I've had a stomachache for a week.
There have been way too many close calls.

168
00:07:52,743 --> 00:07:57,873
Please, I beg you, no more meatball subs,
no more drawing boobs in the dirt.

169
00:07:57,956 --> 00:07:59,750
I cannot lie to cover for you.

170
00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:02,544
Please, remember,
you're supposed to be a monk.

171
00:08:04,171 --> 00:08:05,923
Hey.

172
00:08:06,006 --> 00:08:08,842
Eleanor and Michael are here.
What a fun surprise.

173
00:08:08,926 --> 00:08:10,594
-You've done some re-decorating.
-Oh!

174
00:08:10,677 --> 00:08:14,264
Uh, yes, my apartment was decorated
in one way

175
00:08:14,348 --> 00:08:16,475
and now it has been... redecorated.

176
00:08:16,558 --> 00:08:19,811
-And how is Jianyu?
-I mean, you know how monks are.

177
00:08:19,895 --> 00:08:21,146
Calm. Peaceful.

178
00:08:21,230 --> 00:08:23,690
Never, you know...
shotgunning Cheez Whiz.

179
00:08:23,774 --> 00:08:25,526
What monk would do that? No monk!

180
00:08:25,609 --> 00:08:27,236
Anyway...

181
00:08:27,778 --> 00:08:29,279
I see you guys are still here.

182
00:08:29,363 --> 00:08:31,448
We were just dropping by to ask a favor.

183
00:08:31,532 --> 00:08:34,535
Can you accompany Jianyu
to the luau tonight?

184
00:08:34,618 --> 00:08:37,246
He still isn't really engaging
with the neighborhood.

185
00:08:37,329 --> 00:08:39,581
We're hoping you could help him
break out of his shell.

186
00:08:40,165 --> 00:08:42,501
-Actually, I don't think I can make it.
-Oh, why not?

187
00:08:44,169 --> 00:08:48,549
I just remembered... I can make it,
so I will see you there.

188
00:08:48,632 --> 00:08:50,050
Okay. Bye.

189
00:08:55,264 --> 00:08:58,225
I don't understand why John
hasn't made more progress.

190
00:08:58,308 --> 00:09:00,143
You've done so much
to make him feel special.

191
00:09:00,227 --> 00:09:01,061
I know.

192
00:09:01,144 --> 00:09:04,064
I recreated the private tour of the Louvre
where they let you touch all the art.

193
00:09:04,147 --> 00:09:06,066
We rode Aquamans through the water.

194
00:09:06,149 --> 00:09:10,862
I got so many beauty treatments, I fear
my hair may be too shiny and lustrous.

195
00:09:10,946 --> 00:09:12,364
We've been getting on quite well,

196
00:09:12,447 --> 00:09:16,535
but every time I bring up
self-improvement, he just shuts me down.

197
00:09:16,618 --> 00:09:18,328
I haven't encountered this much resistance

198
00:09:18,412 --> 00:09:20,956
since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet
to go out into the sun.

199
00:09:21,039 --> 00:09:25,544
You know, I looked at John's files again.
He was hardly a shrinking violet.

200
00:09:25,627 --> 00:09:28,338
If you think he needs help,
maybe you should just tell him directly.

201
00:09:28,422 --> 00:09:29,506
Perhaps you're right.

202
00:09:30,215 --> 00:09:31,425
I shall go on the attack,

203
00:09:31,508 --> 00:09:35,512
just like six of the eight <i>Game of Thrones</i>
characters who were based on me would do.

204
00:09:35,596 --> 00:09:36,722
Yeah.

205
00:09:37,431 --> 00:09:40,017
-So, how are things going with Chidi?
-Super easy.

206
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,686
All I have to do is be myself
and he's constantly freaking out.

207
00:09:42,769 --> 00:09:44,771
You have that effect on people, bud.

208
00:09:44,855 --> 00:09:46,356
What else can we do to mess up his life?

209
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,734
Mmm, listen, E-Dog,

210
00:09:48,817 --> 00:09:53,947
I know people don't look to me for plans,
or ideas, or anything,

211
00:09:54,031 --> 00:09:55,574
but maybe we should ease off.

212
00:09:55,657 --> 00:09:57,034
He's pretty stressed already.

213
00:09:57,117 --> 00:09:59,369
Please. He's not even dry-heaving yet.

214
00:09:59,453 --> 00:10:00,829
How many Tums did he take today?

215
00:10:00,912 --> 00:10:02,456
-Like, 20.
- That's nothing.

216
00:10:02,539 --> 00:10:04,041
We don't stop until it's the whole bottle.

217
00:10:04,124 --> 00:10:07,169
Because the more miserable he is,
the more he's going to teach you,

218
00:10:07,252 --> 00:10:09,713
and then everyone,
and then he'll save humanity.

219
00:10:09,796 --> 00:10:12,716
He's like Superman with nervous diarrhea.

220
00:10:12,799 --> 00:10:15,052
Get ready.
I'm gonna make that speech soon.

221
00:10:17,971 --> 00:10:19,890
Hey, girl.
Wanna hit up the spa tomorrow?

222
00:10:19,973 --> 00:10:21,516
I wanna try that new
<i>Little Mermaid</i> treatment,

223
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,018
the one where they remove
your vocal chords

224
00:10:23,101 --> 00:10:24,895
and it somehow makes
your legs look amazing.

225
00:10:24,978 --> 00:10:28,357
Perhaps, but I was hoping
to bend your ear on a more serious matter.

226
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,234
The things you used to write, frankly...

227
00:10:32,152 --> 00:10:34,655
-were hurtful.
-What? Name one.

228
00:10:34,738 --> 00:10:37,866
I gained five pounds and you
called me "Ta-Hammy All-The-Meals."

229
00:10:37,949 --> 00:10:39,576
I mean, that's just poetry.

230
00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:41,912
You were so mean to Daniel Day-Lewis
he quit acting.

231
00:10:41,995 --> 00:10:43,413
Oh, I'm sorry,
was he "living in character"

232
00:10:43,497 --> 00:10:45,207
as a man who thought
he could pull off boot-cut jeans?

233
00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:48,126
You know what? I see what this is.
This has been a fake friendship.

234
00:10:48,210 --> 00:10:51,046
This whole week has just been
a wind-up to a sucker punch.

235
00:10:51,129 --> 00:10:53,048
No, it hasn't.

236
00:10:53,131 --> 00:10:56,301
I just want you to recognize
that your blog hurt people

237
00:10:56,385 --> 00:10:59,179
and you have a chance to be better here.

238
00:10:59,262 --> 00:11:02,849
B'scuse me?
You're telling me to be better?

239
00:11:02,933 --> 00:11:05,310
While you were gallivanting around
with your fancy friends,

240
00:11:05,394 --> 00:11:08,105
I lived in the real world,
so I had bills to pay.

241
00:11:08,188 --> 00:11:13,110
I worked 16 hours a day, by myself,
building a site with millions of readers.

242
00:11:13,193 --> 00:11:16,655
You're the one with issues, sweetheart.
If ya spot it, ya got it.

243
00:11:17,322 --> 00:11:18,907
Whoosh!

244
00:11:18,990 --> 00:11:21,201
That's another deuce
for the Gossip Toilet.

245
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,873
Hello and welcome.
Is everyone having fun tonight?

246
00:11:29,292 --> 00:11:33,046
We have an exciting activity
planned for all of you.

247
00:11:33,130 --> 00:11:36,299
You have all been given
a magic lava stone.

248
00:11:36,383 --> 00:11:39,094
When you throw them into the bonfire,

249
00:11:39,177 --> 00:11:44,182
you will receive
whatever your soul most desires.

250
00:11:44,266 --> 00:11:47,727
-Step right up, Matilda. Give it a toss.

251
00:11:54,901 --> 00:11:58,196
My childhood pet,
Shell Turtlestein.

252
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,699
- Hi.
-I wanna do that.

253
00:12:00,782 --> 00:12:03,994
No! You cannot,
under any circumstances, do that.

254
00:12:04,077 --> 00:12:05,996
Okay, but I gotta do that.

255
00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:07,956
No. If you throw that stone,

256
00:12:08,039 --> 00:12:11,668
your truest, actual desire will appear,
and who knows what that is?

257
00:12:11,751 --> 00:12:12,586
I do.

258
00:12:12,669 --> 00:12:15,630
My old motorcycle with Pamela Anderson
airbrushed on the side.

259
00:12:15,714 --> 00:12:17,257
It exploded a week after I got it,

260
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:19,593
because someone wanted to see
what would happen

261
00:12:19,676 --> 00:12:21,720
if they poured lighter fluid
in the engine.

262
00:12:21,803 --> 00:12:22,888
Was that someone you?

263
00:12:22,971 --> 00:12:25,307
Yep. Turns out it explodes. Called it.

264
00:12:25,390 --> 00:12:28,894
Look, maybe Jianyu the monk
likes motorcycles.

265
00:12:28,977 --> 00:12:30,604
We don't know his life.

266
00:12:30,687 --> 00:12:35,525
No monk's truest desire is a motorcycle
with Pam Anderson's face painted on it.

267
00:12:35,609 --> 00:12:37,402
Oh, it wasn't her face.

268
00:12:38,612 --> 00:12:41,072
No, no, no.

269
00:12:43,909 --> 00:12:48,163
A sexually explicit motorcycle?
Whose rock was that?

270
00:12:48,246 --> 00:12:50,123
Yay!

271
00:12:50,207 --> 00:12:51,333
It's mine.

272
00:12:51,958 --> 00:12:56,171
Jianyu tossed my rock, uh,
because he wanted to help me,

273
00:12:56,254 --> 00:13:02,427
his friend, who loves motorcycles
and Canadian TV actress, Pamela Anderson.

274
00:13:02,511 --> 00:13:03,386
Thanks, Jianyu.

275
00:13:03,470 --> 00:13:06,139
And now, I will... ride it away.

276
00:13:09,017 --> 00:13:11,603
Can't wait to cruise the streets
in this bad boy.

277
00:13:11,686 --> 00:13:12,938
Yeah, man.

278
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,648
Now we're cooking with gas.

279
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,108
Well, this was a huge success.

280
00:13:17,192 --> 00:13:18,735
Chidi's an absolute mess.

281
00:13:18,818 --> 00:13:20,570
Oh, we should pop open some champagne.

282
00:13:20,654 --> 00:13:21,947
Call those magic ants.

283
00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:23,865
He's clearly being tested
like never before.

284
00:13:23,949 --> 00:13:25,992
Yeah, and now we need
to ramp up the pressure.

285
00:13:26,076 --> 00:13:28,328
Eleanor, he told an outright lie.

286
00:13:28,411 --> 00:13:31,122
We don't want him so freaked out
that he can't help anyone else.

287
00:13:31,206 --> 00:13:32,582
I think we did enough for the day.

288
00:13:32,666 --> 00:13:35,835
No way, dude. We can't stop now.
We have to push him to the edge.

289
00:13:35,919 --> 00:13:38,046
We have to knead his fragile psyche

290
00:13:38,129 --> 00:13:40,090
until he's hyperventilating
and losing his mind.

291
00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:43,760
Hi. Guys... Um...

292
00:13:44,469 --> 00:13:45,679
-Hey, can we talk?
-Yeah.

293
00:13:45,762 --> 00:13:47,430
I need to tell you a secret. I...

294
00:13:49,724 --> 00:13:50,559
I can't.

295
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,941
No, no, no. Guys, guys, not now.

296
00:14:01,903 --> 00:14:03,989
I spent my whole life on Earth
battling a stomachache

297
00:14:04,072 --> 00:14:05,907
because I never knew what to do.

298
00:14:05,991 --> 00:14:10,203
And for a while here, that was gone,
but recently, I've been miserable.

299
00:14:10,287 --> 00:14:12,330
Why, Chidi?
You're in the Good Place.

300
00:14:12,414 --> 00:14:14,499
I know, but I have this problem.

301
00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:17,377
And if I choose Option A...

302
00:14:18,837 --> 00:14:20,964
But if I choose Option B...

303
00:14:21,047 --> 00:14:23,008
No.

304
00:14:23,091 --> 00:14:28,263
You know, Chidi, sometimes,
adversity can lead to growth.

305
00:14:28,346 --> 00:14:30,223
Whatever the moral dilemma is,

306
00:14:30,307 --> 00:14:33,310
maybe you'll come out
on the other side better for it.

307
00:14:33,393 --> 00:14:34,769
Yeah.

308
00:14:35,812 --> 00:14:36,980
No.

309
00:14:37,063 --> 00:14:40,734
I'm used to moral dilemmas.
I like moral dilemmas. They're my jam.

310
00:14:40,817 --> 00:14:43,320
-But this just feels like I'm...
-What?

311
00:14:43,403 --> 00:14:45,572
Like I'm being punished somehow.

312
00:14:46,156 --> 00:14:48,116
And, obviously, I know that's silly.
This is the Good Place.

313
00:14:48,199 --> 00:14:49,868
You two would never do
anything to hurt anyone.

314
00:14:49,951 --> 00:14:53,872
But I am seriously worried
that I did something wrong,

315
00:14:53,955 --> 00:14:56,958
and this is the universe
getting back at me.

316
00:14:59,085 --> 00:15:00,378
Oh, no.

317
00:15:01,421 --> 00:15:03,006
- What's happening now?

318
00:15:03,089 --> 00:15:05,425
Oh, no. No, no, no.

319
00:15:05,508 --> 00:15:07,427
I made God cry?

320
00:15:08,762 --> 00:15:10,805
Oh, stomachache. Welcome back, old friend.

321
00:15:11,306 --> 00:15:13,850
Oh, I can't believe John.

322
00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:17,812
The man who once started a protracted
Twitter feud with Jacob Tremblay

323
00:15:17,896 --> 00:15:20,023
thinks that I'm the one with issues?

324
00:15:20,106 --> 00:15:22,192
Ugh. Maybe you need to be
even more direct with him.

325
00:15:22,275 --> 00:15:23,526
Like, punch him in the face.

326
00:15:24,110 --> 00:15:25,737
I don't know. I'm fired up.

327
00:15:25,820 --> 00:15:28,990
You've just been very nice to him and I
don't like the way he's treating you.

328
00:15:29,074 --> 00:15:30,784
Maybe it's not possible.
We're just too different.

329
00:15:30,867 --> 00:15:32,786
He spent his life
in the bowels of the Internet,

330
00:15:32,869 --> 00:15:34,955
jealous and miserable,
with no real friends,

331
00:15:35,038 --> 00:15:37,791
while I spent my life
in the upper echelon of society...

332
00:15:39,084 --> 00:15:41,836
jealous and miserable with...

333
00:15:43,088 --> 00:15:44,214
no real friends.

334
00:15:44,965 --> 00:15:47,550
Oh, Janet. I've been going
about this all wrong.

335
00:15:47,634 --> 00:15:49,135
Exactly. Here you go.

336
00:15:49,219 --> 00:15:50,428
Oh, uh...

337
00:15:50,512 --> 00:15:51,346
No.

338
00:15:52,931 --> 00:15:54,891
Why? Why are you crying?

339
00:15:54,975 --> 00:15:58,937
This is all my fault.
I promised I'd take care of you, Chidi.

340
00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,856
-You did?
-Yes. I promised.

341
00:16:01,940 --> 00:16:06,194
Uh, see, Chidi, the architect is
responsible for the entire neighborhood,

342
00:16:06,277 --> 00:16:10,782
so a resident suffering in any way,
it's very painful for her.

343
00:16:10,865 --> 00:16:12,450
Actually, come here, come here.

344
00:16:12,951 --> 00:16:14,327
But don't worry.

345
00:16:14,828 --> 00:16:17,831
We have a very simple solution
for problems here.

346
00:16:17,914 --> 00:16:20,000
-Oh, good. What is it?
-We eliminate them.

347
00:16:20,083 --> 00:16:22,544
So, you just tell us the problem,
and we'll eliminate it.

348
00:16:22,627 --> 00:16:23,712
Like, uh...

349
00:16:24,295 --> 00:16:25,839
say you had a problem with that vase.

350
00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:29,009
See?

351
00:16:29,092 --> 00:16:32,387
So, just tell me what's bothering you,
I'll wave my hand, it'll explode,

352
00:16:32,470 --> 00:16:35,140
and you can go back
to your otherwise perfect life.

353
00:16:35,223 --> 00:16:36,057
Uh...

354
00:16:37,517 --> 00:16:40,520
The motorcycle. Yup, that's my problem.

355
00:16:40,603 --> 00:16:42,522
For some reason,
it just hasn't been bringing me

356
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:44,858
as much happiness
as maybe it was intended to,

357
00:16:44,941 --> 00:16:47,986
-so I'd just as soon get rid of it.
-Done.

358
00:16:49,029 --> 00:16:50,739
Oh, not again.

359
00:16:51,364 --> 00:16:54,117
-No more motorcycle. Problem solved.
-Great.

360
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,078
-Uh, Eleanor, I hope you feel better.

361
00:16:57,162 --> 00:16:58,997
No, no, she'll be fine. She'll be fine.

362
00:17:00,290 --> 00:17:02,042
John? I have something to say.

363
00:17:02,125 --> 00:17:03,710
Round two? Let's do this.

364
00:17:04,294 --> 00:17:07,464
In 2007, Blake Lively invited me
to a birthday party

365
00:17:07,547 --> 00:17:10,467
held for Leonardo DiCaprio
aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.

366
00:17:10,550 --> 00:17:12,552
Hmm, I see we're dropping names
three at a time now.

367
00:17:12,635 --> 00:17:16,973
The guest list was 100 of the wealthiest,
most famous members of the glitterati.

368
00:17:17,057 --> 00:17:19,684
Once aboard,
I discovered there was a VIP deck.

369
00:17:19,768 --> 00:17:22,771
And within that area, there was
an even more exclusive room

370
00:17:22,854 --> 00:17:26,232
that you could only access with
a secret PIN, which I promptly entered.

371
00:17:26,316 --> 00:17:27,901
And guess who was waiting for me?

372
00:17:28,818 --> 00:17:31,112
I hate to admit it,
but I have to know. Who?

373
00:17:31,196 --> 00:17:32,113
No one.

374
00:17:32,614 --> 00:17:33,865
I was the only one there.

375
00:17:33,948 --> 00:17:36,034
The party raged on outside,

376
00:17:36,117 --> 00:17:39,871
but I was so obsessed with status
that I never left.

377
00:17:39,954 --> 00:17:42,499
I spent the entire night
talking to no one.

378
00:17:42,582 --> 00:17:45,543
Riveting story.
If only it were longer and sadder.

379
00:17:45,627 --> 00:17:50,590
The point is, if all you care about
in the world is the velvet rope,

380
00:17:50,673 --> 00:17:53,968
you will always be unhappy,
no matter which side you're on.

381
00:17:54,052 --> 00:17:56,596
You and I are proof of that.

382
00:17:57,180 --> 00:17:58,264
But now we're here.

383
00:17:58,848 --> 00:18:01,059
Can we just start over?

384
00:18:01,976 --> 00:18:02,811
Well...

385
00:18:03,728 --> 00:18:06,856
if we're gonna be friends,
I need to say something.

386
00:18:08,566 --> 00:18:11,694
I really am sorry for all the posts
I wrote about you.

387
00:18:11,778 --> 00:18:13,613
And everything I tweeted.

388
00:18:13,696 --> 00:18:16,616
And scrawled on the back of a <i>Playbill</i>
during the intermission of <i>Wicked,</i>

389
00:18:16,699 --> 00:18:18,785
and had someone pass it to you
and say it was from

390
00:18:18,868 --> 00:18:20,245
an anonymous, concerned citizen.

391
00:18:20,328 --> 00:18:21,788
-That was you?

392
00:18:21,871 --> 00:18:25,166
Well, my bangs were
"making my ears look chunky."

393
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:26,126
That was a fair hit.

394
00:18:29,420 --> 00:18:30,421
It's a lovely night.

395
00:18:31,256 --> 00:18:32,507
Would you like to go for a walk?

396
00:18:39,514 --> 00:18:42,225
-Hey, Jason? New plan.

397
00:18:42,308 --> 00:18:45,770
Instead of just trying to not get caught,
we're going to study ethics.

398
00:18:45,854 --> 00:18:48,690
I'm going to help you
become a good person.

399
00:18:48,773 --> 00:18:50,441
Oh, dope. I always wanna get better.

400
00:18:50,525 --> 00:18:52,944
That's why I spent so much
of my time at the free clinic.

401
00:18:54,154 --> 00:18:57,448
Hang on, just editing my syllabus
in my head based on that comment.

402
00:18:57,532 --> 00:18:58,825
This is gonna be awesome. You rule.

403
00:18:58,908 --> 00:19:01,661
You're like the Pam Anderson
boob-motorcycle of people.

404
00:19:01,744 --> 00:19:03,830
Thank you. That's an amazing compliment.

405
00:19:03,913 --> 00:19:06,958
And I'm sorry
your actual motorcycle blew up.

406
00:19:07,041 --> 00:19:08,251
That's okay, homie.

407
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:10,253
That's just what motorcycles do.

408
00:19:11,421 --> 00:19:14,048
So, Chidi's set with Jason now.

409
00:19:15,175 --> 00:19:17,177
-How are you doing?
-A little better...

410
00:19:17,844 --> 00:19:18,970
but still terrible.

411
00:19:19,554 --> 00:19:22,265
You were torturing him
because that's what we had to do.

412
00:19:22,348 --> 00:19:23,183
I know.

413
00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:25,059
I went too far.

414
00:19:25,143 --> 00:19:27,896
And what's worse, I liked it.

415
00:19:30,481 --> 00:19:33,484
Because I'm angry at him for leaving me,

416
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:38,948
which isn't even remotely fair,
because he sacrificed himself for us,

417
00:19:39,032 --> 00:19:42,410
but I'm still angry he abandoned me,
which makes me feel guilty,

418
00:19:42,493 --> 00:19:45,288
which makes me angry,
which makes me want to talk to Chidi,

419
00:19:45,371 --> 00:19:47,749
because he's the person
I go to when I'm angry.

420
00:19:47,832 --> 00:19:50,001
So, it's a real fun cycle.

421
00:19:51,711 --> 00:19:55,673
I still don't have a grip
on the human emotional spectrum.

422
00:19:56,257 --> 00:19:58,760
You guys are often happy
when you should be sad,

423
00:19:58,843 --> 00:20:00,470
and angry when you should be happy,

424
00:20:00,553 --> 00:20:02,722
and texting when you should be driving,

425
00:20:02,805 --> 00:20:06,476
which is not an emotion, I know,
but it's insane.

426
00:20:07,060 --> 00:20:08,728
The point is, in this case,

427
00:20:08,811 --> 00:20:13,399
even if it's not rational,
you're allowed to feel a little angry.

428
00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:14,984
Let yourself off the hook.

429
00:20:15,485 --> 00:20:17,779
Process it and work your way through it.

430
00:20:18,363 --> 00:20:21,616
And then get your shirt together,
because we have a lot of work to do.

431
00:20:23,201 --> 00:20:24,285
Morning, all.

432
00:20:24,994 --> 00:20:27,080
Anyone interested in a status report?

433
00:20:27,914 --> 00:20:29,749
I win! I mean, I'll start.

434
00:20:29,832 --> 00:20:32,710
I have made massive progress with John.

435
00:20:33,294 --> 00:20:34,921
Great. Is he gonna join Chidi's class?

436
00:20:35,004 --> 00:20:37,090
Philosophy may not be his way forward.

437
00:20:37,173 --> 00:20:41,052
Genuine human connection
shall be his course of study.

438
00:20:41,135 --> 00:20:42,887
And first up on the syllabus,

439
00:20:42,971 --> 00:20:45,848
he and I will be unironically watching

440
00:20:45,932 --> 00:20:48,726
the Britney Spears movie
<i>Crossroads</i> together...

441
00:20:48,810 --> 00:20:51,104
and you'll have to trust me,

442
00:20:51,187 --> 00:20:53,856
this is a huge step
in the right direction.

443
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:55,400
Wonderful work, Tahani.

444
00:20:55,483 --> 00:20:58,069
And, Jason, I mean, bravo.

445
00:20:58,569 --> 00:21:00,196
Thanks, guys.

446
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,115
It's been a tough couple weeks,

447
00:21:02,198 --> 00:21:07,662
and it just felt really good to be brainy,
and have... use-ness.

448
00:21:07,745 --> 00:21:08,955
Sure, bud.

449
00:21:09,038 --> 00:21:11,082
Well, I think we can finally say

450
00:21:11,165 --> 00:21:14,043
that all four of these mofos
are on the right path.

451
00:21:14,127 --> 00:21:16,587
So... what's next?