1
00:00:09,030 --> 00:00:09,905
Linda...
2
00:00:09,989 --> 00:00:12,908
You can have literally
anything you could--
3
00:00:13,451 --> 00:00:14,368
What the--
4
00:00:14,452 --> 00:00:18,205
You sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?
5
00:00:18,289 --> 00:00:20,708
This outrageous act must be punished.
6
00:00:21,375 --> 00:00:23,586
Chidi will be the fourth subject
in this experiment.
7
00:00:25,838 --> 00:00:29,091
I still don't get why the Bad Place
would try something so obvious?
8
00:00:29,175 --> 00:00:31,260
They're desperate.
They know they're gonna lose.
9
00:00:31,343 --> 00:00:33,554
Plus, we can get rid of the Linda picture,
10
00:00:34,180 --> 00:00:38,267
and put a Chidi picture on the other side
since we know a ton about him.
11
00:00:38,350 --> 00:00:39,935
It's all good news, right, team leader?
12
00:00:40,019 --> 00:00:41,312
Yeah, it's super cool
13
00:00:41,395 --> 00:00:44,523
that I'm actively surveilling
and manipulating an ex-boyfriend.
14
00:00:44,607 --> 00:00:46,567
I mean, more so than I usually did.
15
00:00:46,650 --> 00:00:48,402
Okay, let's focus on Brent.
16
00:00:48,486 --> 00:00:51,363
Born on third base, thinks he invented
the game of baseball.
17
00:00:51,447 --> 00:00:54,366
Guys like this believe
that the world revolves around them,
18
00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:56,160
because it kinda does.
19
00:00:56,243 --> 00:00:58,788
If we could get him
to listen to anyone else,
20
00:00:58,871 --> 00:01:01,207
he'd hear how much better they are
than he was,
21
00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:04,168
which might make him realize
that he doesn't belong here,
22
00:01:04,251 --> 00:01:05,711
and also, bonus...
23
00:01:06,629 --> 00:01:08,714
maybe he cries like a stupid little baby.
24
00:01:15,763 --> 00:01:19,683
Anyway, long story short,
that's why there are still ducks.
25
00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:21,644
-I saved all the ducks.
- Aw!
26
00:01:22,228 --> 00:01:24,063
Incredible. Wow.
27
00:01:24,146 --> 00:01:25,898
Thank you, Wanda. What a life.
28
00:01:25,981 --> 00:01:29,485
Now we turn to our next guest,
Chidi Anagonye.
29
00:01:30,945 --> 00:01:33,948
Now, Chidi, you led an impressive life
as an academic.
30
00:01:34,031 --> 00:01:38,494
Uh, well, uh, not
save-an-entire-species impressive,
31
00:01:38,577 --> 00:01:42,456
but yes, I was a professor
of ethical and moral philosophy.
32
00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:45,084
I'm sorry. Literally every duck?
33
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,461
-You saved every duck?
-In essence, yes.
34
00:01:48,128 --> 00:01:51,215
And I didn't mention this before,
I really don't like to brag,
35
00:01:51,298 --> 00:01:53,092
but also horses.
36
00:01:53,175 --> 00:01:54,260
-What?
37
00:01:54,343 --> 00:01:58,305
Man. I mean, compared to you,
I feel a little inadequate.
38
00:02:00,975 --> 00:02:03,144
Hey. Hey, Mikey, can I ask you something?
39
00:02:03,227 --> 00:02:06,605
I feel bad for making Janet's life
more chaotic and unpredictable.
40
00:02:06,689 --> 00:02:09,775
So, here's my idea to make it up to her.
41
00:02:09,859 --> 00:02:13,571
Me and 100 Janet babies
do a giant flash mob,
42
00:02:13,654 --> 00:02:16,323
just total unpredictable chaos
all around her.
43
00:02:16,407 --> 00:02:18,409
Great idea, right?
44
00:02:18,492 --> 00:02:21,287
-Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
-Mmm-hmm?
45
00:02:21,370 --> 00:02:24,206
Sorry, I put a little cheat code
in the neighborhood,
46
00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:26,584
where if I say your name five times,
my headache goes away.
47
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:30,629
Do you know why I forced you to act
like a monk in the original neighborhood?
48
00:02:30,713 --> 00:02:33,257
-Does it have to do with the TV show Monk?
-No.
49
00:02:33,841 --> 00:02:37,678
It's because you have no control
over your own impulses.
50
00:02:37,761 --> 00:02:40,973
You think every problem can be solved
with a Molotov cocktail,
51
00:02:41,056 --> 00:02:44,310
or slashing somebody's tires
or plunging Derek.
52
00:02:44,393 --> 00:02:46,896
So, being a monk was torture for you.
53
00:02:46,979 --> 00:02:50,024
The only way for you
to repair your relationship with Janet
54
00:02:50,107 --> 00:02:51,859
is to give her some space.
55
00:02:51,942 --> 00:02:54,612
Show her that you can
control your impulses.
56
00:02:54,695 --> 00:03:00,743
So, you're saying wanting to do something
isn't a good reason to immediately do it?
57
00:03:02,661 --> 00:03:03,579
Yeah.
58
00:03:03,662 --> 00:03:05,873
Man! I wish someone
had taught me this on Earth.
59
00:03:05,956 --> 00:03:08,459
People tried. Mostly judges.
60
00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:10,669
Hey, showtime.
61
00:03:10,753 --> 00:03:14,798
And now, Brent Norwalk, why don't you
tell us a little bit about yourself?
62
00:03:15,382 --> 00:03:17,009
Thank you very much. Thank you.
63
00:03:17,092 --> 00:03:18,761
Sure. I'm pretty interesting.
64
00:03:18,844 --> 00:03:21,639
I grew up in Chicago. A suburb, obviously.
65
00:03:22,222 --> 00:03:24,058
I went to Princeton University.
66
00:03:24,141 --> 00:03:26,810
No handouts, by the way.
I earned my spot there.
67
00:03:26,894 --> 00:03:29,146
Just like my father
and his father before him.
68
00:03:29,229 --> 00:03:32,900
I then inherited the family business,
and in just 18 years,
69
00:03:32,983 --> 00:03:36,153
I grew Norwalk Materials
from a $90 million company...
70
00:03:36,987 --> 00:03:39,031
to a $94 million company.
71
00:03:39,114 --> 00:03:40,032
One second. Hey, Janet?
72
00:03:40,699 --> 00:03:41,784
-Hi, there.
-Perrier.
73
00:03:43,827 --> 00:03:46,622
Why don't you tell us
about a time when things
74
00:03:46,705 --> 00:03:48,082
-didn't come so easy to you?
- Mmm.
75
00:03:48,165 --> 00:03:49,959
Look, I've had my share
of disappointments.
76
00:03:50,042 --> 00:03:53,128
I smartly bought Netflix stock
at $38 a share,
77
00:03:53,212 --> 00:03:54,672
but I couldn't cash it in before I died.
78
00:03:54,755 --> 00:03:57,508
So, all that money's going to my dumb kid.
79
00:03:57,591 --> 00:03:59,176
But you have to press on, right?
80
00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:03,806
In the words of Martin Luther King Jr.,
who I personally believe was a great man,
81
00:04:04,556 --> 00:04:06,934
he said that, "When life knocks you
on your butt,
82
00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:08,978
you jump back up
and start throwing haymakers."
83
00:04:09,061 --> 00:04:11,355
-I'm not sure he said that.
-No, he did. You're wrong.
84
00:04:11,438 --> 00:04:15,526
For me, Eleanor, it's all about
taking personal responsibility.
85
00:04:15,609 --> 00:04:17,152
Not enough people do that.
86
00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:18,570
If you ask me,
87
00:04:18,654 --> 00:04:21,031
-that's what's wrong with this country.
-What country?
88
00:04:21,115 --> 00:04:23,367
This was fun, Eleanor,
but I have a tee time.
89
00:04:23,450 --> 00:04:25,202
Daddy no golfy, daddy get cranky.
90
00:04:25,286 --> 00:04:27,788
So, Chad, Duck Lady, nice to meet ya.
91
00:04:27,871 --> 00:04:28,956
- Thank you.
92
00:04:29,039 --> 00:04:30,457
Thank you all very much. You were great.
93
00:04:31,333 --> 00:04:32,459
A car?
94
00:04:33,669 --> 00:04:36,255
He got a car?
95
00:04:36,338 --> 00:04:38,132
Okay. Well, back to the drawing board.
96
00:04:38,215 --> 00:04:40,551
If we want him to understand
he doesn't belong here,
97
00:04:40,634 --> 00:04:42,177
we don't need a drawing board.
98
00:04:42,261 --> 00:04:44,388
We need to bust him open like a piñata.
99
00:04:44,471 --> 00:04:46,348
We tried that in the Bad Place.
100
00:04:46,432 --> 00:04:49,184
The goo that comes out
doesn't taste as good as candy.
101
00:04:49,268 --> 00:04:51,770
-No, dude, metaphorically.
-Ah.
102
00:04:51,854 --> 00:04:55,316
Although, there is another
Bad Place strategy
103
00:04:55,399 --> 00:04:57,026
that might work very well here.
104
00:04:59,862 --> 00:05:01,780
I don't know if that's the right move.
105
00:05:01,864 --> 00:05:03,574
It's our only move.
106
00:05:03,657 --> 00:05:06,785
And we're doing it tomorrow.
107
00:05:13,083 --> 00:05:14,043
What the...
108
00:05:14,752 --> 00:05:16,420
-Hey, Janet?
109
00:05:16,503 --> 00:05:17,588
Janet!
110
00:05:21,675 --> 00:05:23,052
Is that Perrier?
111
00:05:23,761 --> 00:05:27,014
♪ Waiting for the break of day ♪
112
00:05:30,059 --> 00:05:33,604
♪ Searching for something to say ♪
113
00:05:36,648 --> 00:05:37,775
Michael! Eleanor!
114
00:05:37,858 --> 00:05:40,736
Brent, I'm so sorry. We don't know
why all of this is happening.
115
00:05:40,819 --> 00:05:43,822
Well, I do.
This chaos is clearly all about me.
116
00:05:43,906 --> 00:05:46,492
This is the universe telling me
that I don't belong here.
117
00:05:46,575 --> 00:05:49,828
-Brent, what do you mean?
-I don't belong in the Good Place.
118
00:05:51,580 --> 00:05:53,957
I mean, obviously,
there's a place better than this.
119
00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:57,711
I belong there, in the Best Place.
120
00:06:03,092 --> 00:06:05,969
Walk me through this, Brent.
I'm not sure we follow.
121
00:06:06,053 --> 00:06:08,138
Well, I've been feeling this way
for a while now.
122
00:06:08,222 --> 00:06:10,724
I mean, this can't be all
the afterlife has to offer,
123
00:06:10,808 --> 00:06:12,684
not to the cream of the crop.
124
00:06:12,768 --> 00:06:15,187
I mean, if this is heaven,
then where are my guys?
125
00:06:15,270 --> 00:06:17,648
Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine?
126
00:06:17,731 --> 00:06:19,483
Where's White Guillermo,
127
00:06:19,566 --> 00:06:22,486
and where is Mexican William
and what about Squirtman?
128
00:06:22,569 --> 00:06:25,114
Well, he makes a good point.
What about Squirtman?
129
00:06:25,197 --> 00:06:28,575
Also, frankly, my assistant Janet
is a little uptight.
130
00:06:28,659 --> 00:06:30,494
I mean, she hasn't worn any of my gifts.
131
00:06:30,577 --> 00:06:34,164
Have you been asking Janet
to make herself clothes,
132
00:06:34,248 --> 00:06:36,416
that you give back to her?
133
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:38,252
Yeah, you're doing the math
right there, bud.
134
00:06:38,335 --> 00:06:41,380
Look, this chaos, which is clearly
all about me, is a sign.
135
00:06:41,463 --> 00:06:44,341
If this is the Good Place,
I belong in the Best Place.
136
00:06:45,384 --> 00:06:47,594
So, figure it out, get back to me. Okay?
137
00:06:50,472 --> 00:06:52,808
I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head.
I'll meet up with you later.
138
00:06:54,893 --> 00:06:57,563
Michael, I'm afraid
we need to talk about Eleanor.
139
00:06:57,646 --> 00:07:00,315
I know what you're gonna say.
She's just been really busy.
140
00:07:00,399 --> 00:07:03,235
I'm sure she'll get around
to showering at some point.
141
00:07:03,318 --> 00:07:06,738
No, it's not that.
Although, it's not, not that.
142
00:07:08,115 --> 00:07:09,783
It's possible we need a new team leader.
143
00:07:10,367 --> 00:07:11,451
Oh, really?
144
00:07:11,535 --> 00:07:14,371
We just can't help but question
her decision-making.
145
00:07:14,454 --> 00:07:16,498
She balked at bringing
Chidi and Simone together.
146
00:07:16,582 --> 00:07:18,959
She ignored my concerns about Linda.
147
00:07:19,042 --> 00:07:21,253
Her plans for Brent backfired.
148
00:07:21,336 --> 00:07:25,466
We've made precious little progress.
Perhaps leadership isn't her forte.
149
00:07:25,549 --> 00:07:30,095
Yeah, I mean, Eleanor is dope,
but she keeps screwing everything up.
150
00:07:30,971 --> 00:07:33,307
That's my thing.
And you wouldn't put me in charge.
151
00:07:33,390 --> 00:07:35,517
Actually, that's a decent point.
152
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:37,603
But think about what you're saying here.
153
00:07:37,686 --> 00:07:41,106
We have. We should at least discuss
pursuing a change in leadership.
154
00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:43,609
Yeah, definitely, let's pursue it.
155
00:07:44,193 --> 00:07:45,569
Oh, hey, Eleanor.
156
00:07:45,652 --> 00:07:50,532
We were just talking about how maybe
you shouldn't be team leader.
157
00:07:51,909 --> 00:07:52,784
Saved it.
158
00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:54,703
Go ahead, guys. Speak your mind.
159
00:07:54,786 --> 00:07:56,538
It isn't personal, Eleanor.
160
00:07:56,622 --> 00:08:01,084
When we started this experiment,
I calculated a 9% chance of success.
161
00:08:01,168 --> 00:08:04,880
After your first three days on the job,
it's down to 7.1%.
162
00:08:04,963 --> 00:08:09,593
So purely from a mathematical standpoint,
you are kind of pooching it.
163
00:08:09,676 --> 00:08:10,928
Very helpful feedback.
164
00:08:11,011 --> 00:08:13,555
And if I could give you some feedback,
165
00:08:13,639 --> 00:08:16,600
uh, I'd say that you're all
ungrateful ash-faces,
166
00:08:16,683 --> 00:08:19,394
who can shove your fat grumps
all the way up your snork-box.
167
00:08:19,478 --> 00:08:20,771
Which curses were those?
168
00:08:20,854 --> 00:08:22,231
I didn't ask for this.
169
00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:25,901
I'm only doing it because Michael,
who is supposed to be in charge,
170
00:08:25,984 --> 00:08:27,736
had a nervous breakdown
the second it started.
171
00:08:27,819 --> 00:08:29,488
But maybe you can do it better than me.
172
00:08:29,571 --> 00:08:31,782
Tahani can be in charge
since she's so smart.
173
00:08:31,865 --> 00:08:33,575
Or better yet, Jason.
174
00:08:33,659 --> 00:08:35,536
Maybe all of humanity can be saved
175
00:08:35,619 --> 00:08:38,330
with one good, old-fashioned
Jacksonville carnival.
176
00:08:38,413 --> 00:08:41,333
I mean, we could try.
All I need is a bouncy house,
177
00:08:41,416 --> 00:08:43,710
some ninja stars
and a bunch of ambulances.
178
00:08:43,794 --> 00:08:45,796
Well, good luck, fork-faces. I quit.
179
00:08:46,672 --> 00:08:47,673
Shellstrop out.
180
00:08:53,512 --> 00:08:55,305
You get it all out of your system?
181
00:08:55,389 --> 00:09:00,102
-You gonna come back, get to work?
-No, man, I meant what I said. I quit.
182
00:09:00,894 --> 00:09:04,147
I'm sorry you overheard that,
and they're sorry they said it.
183
00:09:05,482 --> 00:09:08,569
But you don't just
get to quit this, Eleanor.
184
00:09:08,652 --> 00:09:11,363
This is not your seventh-grade band,
185
00:09:11,446 --> 00:09:14,366
or three hours into
a two-week juice cleanse.
186
00:09:14,449 --> 00:09:16,326
A little more at stake here.
187
00:09:16,410 --> 00:09:19,454
Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting.
188
00:09:19,538 --> 00:09:22,791
The things that are happening here
are above my pay grade.
189
00:09:22,874 --> 00:09:25,627
How do I get Brent
to stop being such a deckhead?
190
00:09:25,711 --> 00:09:28,463
How do I fix Simone when she's convinced
191
00:09:28,547 --> 00:09:30,924
all of this is happening
inside of her brain?
192
00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:34,553
Ooh, maybe I should drive her
into the arms of my ex-boyfriend?
193
00:09:34,636 --> 00:09:35,554
That sounds fun.
194
00:09:35,637 --> 00:09:37,472
What do I do about John, the gossip king,
195
00:09:37,556 --> 00:09:40,225
or the demon spy
who punched me in the face?
196
00:09:40,309 --> 00:09:41,226
And how do I do it all
197
00:09:41,310 --> 00:09:43,562
with a pleasant smile
to keep everyone's spirits up?
198
00:09:43,645 --> 00:09:45,772
I'm not meant for this.
199
00:09:45,856 --> 00:09:48,859
I'm not the freakin' savior
of the universe.
200
00:09:48,942 --> 00:09:50,277
I'm just...
201
00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:53,864
a girl from Arizona.
202
00:09:55,574 --> 00:09:57,075
That's it.
203
00:09:57,159 --> 00:09:59,119
I'm just a normal girl from Arizona.
204
00:10:00,746 --> 00:10:03,624
I ate junk food, I watched reality shows,
205
00:10:03,707 --> 00:10:06,543
I sometimes left H&M
wearing more underpants
206
00:10:06,627 --> 00:10:08,128
than I had on when I came in.
207
00:10:08,712 --> 00:10:11,548
I did a bad job of being in charge
of my own life,
208
00:10:11,632 --> 00:10:14,676
and now I'm supposed to be
in charge of everyone else's life? I...
209
00:10:15,886 --> 00:10:17,346
I cannot do this.
210
00:10:24,978 --> 00:10:27,564
When I started my experiment,
211
00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:32,944
I thought, "Four broken birdbrains
who will believe everything I tell them.
212
00:10:34,154 --> 00:10:35,322
This will be a breeze."
213
00:10:36,865 --> 00:10:38,492
You beat me in three months.
214
00:10:39,785 --> 00:10:41,745
"Okay, fine," I thought, "a fluke."
215
00:10:42,329 --> 00:10:44,831
You then you beat me 800 more times.
216
00:10:45,874 --> 00:10:50,545
Because human beings,
it turns out, are weird,
217
00:10:51,421 --> 00:10:55,092
and I will never truly understand
what it's like to be one.
218
00:10:56,426 --> 00:10:58,345
This is a job for a human.
219
00:10:59,971 --> 00:11:05,143
One who's tough, but also empathetic
and has a big heart,
220
00:11:06,311 --> 00:11:09,731
and a world-class bullshirt detector.
221
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,067
You think you can't do this?
222
00:11:13,151 --> 00:11:17,531
Eleanor, you're the only one
who can do this.
223
00:11:18,949 --> 00:11:23,703
Like it or not, the only one
who can save humanity
224
00:11:23,787 --> 00:11:26,206
is a girl from Arizona.
225
00:11:29,501 --> 00:11:32,587
But everything I do blows up in my face.
226
00:11:34,548 --> 00:11:37,843
I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E. Coyote.
227
00:11:37,926 --> 00:11:38,927
That's true.
228
00:11:40,470 --> 00:11:42,556
About you making lots of mistakes,
229
00:11:42,639 --> 00:11:45,100
not the thing where
you sexualized a cartoon.
230
00:11:45,684 --> 00:11:47,978
Come on, you know how this works.
231
00:11:48,061 --> 00:11:52,149
You fail, and then you try something else,
and you fail again and again.
232
00:11:52,232 --> 00:11:56,027
And you fail 1,000 times,
and you keep trying,
233
00:11:56,111 --> 00:12:01,324
because maybe the 1,001st idea might work.
234
00:12:02,409 --> 00:12:07,414
Now, I'm gonna go and try to find
our 1,001st idea.
235
00:12:09,541 --> 00:12:10,667
I hope you'll join me.
236
00:12:12,127 --> 00:12:16,131
I hope you shower first and then join me.
237
00:12:26,808 --> 00:12:30,770
Ladies and gentlemen, back with her
trademark brand of B-minus leadership,
238
00:12:30,854 --> 00:12:32,105
Eleanor Shellstrop.
239
00:12:32,189 --> 00:12:35,984
We are so, so, so sorry, Eleanor.
We never should've questioned you.
240
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:39,070
Don't worry about it, hot stuff.
I was questioning me, too.
241
00:12:39,154 --> 00:12:42,949
But I'm back, baby.
And I have a new idea for Brent.
242
00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:44,910
Guys like him never think they're wrong.
243
00:12:44,993 --> 00:12:47,454
So, we're gonna tell him he's right.
244
00:12:49,122 --> 00:12:50,248
Brent?
245
00:12:53,543 --> 00:12:56,505
This conversation
must remain confidential.
246
00:12:56,588 --> 00:12:59,382
-Okay.
-Obviously, you're a very smart guy.
247
00:12:59,466 --> 00:13:02,594
-Yes.
-But we need to know that we can trust you
248
00:13:02,677 --> 00:13:04,387
with sensitive information.
249
00:13:04,471 --> 00:13:05,639
You can.
250
00:13:05,722 --> 00:13:09,434
I routinely buried HR complaints.
So, no problem.
251
00:13:09,518 --> 00:13:13,855
The truth is, Brent, you figured us out.
252
00:13:13,939 --> 00:13:15,690
There is a Best Place.
253
00:13:15,774 --> 00:13:17,609
I knew it! I knew it.
254
00:13:17,692 --> 00:13:22,531
The Best Place is reserved for a select,
upper echelon of good people.
255
00:13:22,614 --> 00:13:26,660
Sort of like a Diamond Elite
VIP club of afterlife residents.
256
00:13:26,743 --> 00:13:29,079
I was Diamond Elite. I swear.
257
00:13:29,162 --> 00:13:31,373
One time, I did shots
with this pilot in the lounge.
258
00:13:31,456 --> 00:13:32,791
The guy let me fly his helicopter.
259
00:13:32,874 --> 00:13:34,876
-We know. That's how you died.
-Right.
260
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,170
So, you'll all be evaluated,
261
00:13:37,254 --> 00:13:42,092
and then a very small group of the most
morally upstanding residents get to go.
262
00:13:42,175 --> 00:13:46,346
Oh, I see.
So, it's like a "good deeds" contest?
263
00:13:46,429 --> 00:13:48,640
That's easy. I'm gonna crush this.
264
00:13:48,723 --> 00:13:52,185
Oh, and hey, mum's the word, right?
Why tip off my competition?
265
00:13:53,353 --> 00:13:57,357
Oops! Looks like you dropped your fork.
Let me get that for you.
266
00:13:58,316 --> 00:14:00,610
Did you get that? The fork thing?
Or should I start writing these down?
267
00:14:00,694 --> 00:14:02,737
-You're good. We'll keep track.
-Great. Love it.
268
00:14:04,739 --> 00:14:06,616
-Hi, Jason.
-Janet.
269
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:09,661
I'm so happy to see you.
I got you a box of chocolates.
270
00:14:09,744 --> 00:14:12,998
But then I remembered
you can't eat, so I ate them,
271
00:14:13,081 --> 00:14:16,167
and I thought it'd be a nice present
for me to describe them to you.
272
00:14:16,251 --> 00:14:19,671
So, the first one was gross--
273
00:14:19,754 --> 00:14:21,339
Jason, um, please just let me talk.
274
00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:25,385
You know that I've been overwhelmed
with work since the neighborhood started.
275
00:14:25,468 --> 00:14:27,721
-Yup.
-And I asked you to give me some space.
276
00:14:29,431 --> 00:14:30,265
Yup.
277
00:14:30,348 --> 00:14:32,058
I'm so sorry to say this...
278
00:14:33,977 --> 00:14:36,187
but I can't be
in a relationship with you right now.
279
00:14:36,271 --> 00:14:39,065
Being with you is fun,
but it's not always easy,
280
00:14:39,149 --> 00:14:41,276
and I'm afraid it would
endanger the experiment.
281
00:14:41,359 --> 00:14:42,652
It won't though.
282
00:14:42,736 --> 00:14:44,070
Jason, it already has.
283
00:14:44,863 --> 00:14:47,240
So, why don't we just take a break
until it's all finished?
284
00:14:51,036 --> 00:14:53,872
Also, I hate to pile on, but I feel
like you have a right to know.
285
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:59,586
The Jacksonville Jaguars
cut Blake Bortles.
286
00:15:00,295 --> 00:15:03,590
He's not on the team anymore.
I am genuinely sorry.
287
00:15:10,889 --> 00:15:12,390
Hi, how are you?
288
00:15:12,474 --> 00:15:14,142
Nice to see you. Enjoy your yogurt.
289
00:15:14,225 --> 00:15:17,228
Problem is, now he's saddled
with a bad motivation.
290
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:18,647
His points won't go up
291
00:15:18,730 --> 00:15:21,149
if the only reason he's being nice
is to make his points go up.
292
00:15:21,232 --> 00:15:24,903
Yeah. But that was also my situation
when I first asked Chidi for help.
293
00:15:24,986 --> 00:15:27,364
I only did it so you wouldn't catch me.
294
00:15:27,447 --> 00:15:28,782
We have to hope that over time,
295
00:15:28,865 --> 00:15:31,034
Brent starts doing good things
out of habit.
296
00:15:32,577 --> 00:15:34,162
Just like you.
297
00:15:36,957 --> 00:15:38,792
Hey, I just realized something.
298
00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:42,963
That whole "You're the only one
who can save us" speech.
299
00:15:43,046 --> 00:15:46,383
You didn't actually have
a nervous breakdown on day one, did you?
300
00:15:46,466 --> 00:15:49,427
You faked it,
so that I would step up and take over.
301
00:15:51,388 --> 00:15:54,975
-Guilty.
-You tricky devil. Very clever.
302
00:15:55,558 --> 00:15:59,854
All right. Time to go help
Simone and Chidi.
303
00:16:00,939 --> 00:16:03,858
Oof! Why did I come up with this idea?
This is gonna hurt real bad.
304
00:16:03,942 --> 00:16:05,860
I know. I know.
But I think it's gonna work.
305
00:16:05,944 --> 00:16:08,488
Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me.
306
00:16:08,571 --> 00:16:11,449
You sure there's no other
girl from Arizona who can do this?
307
00:16:11,533 --> 00:16:14,786
What about Emma Stone?
She's from there. She's very capable.
308
00:16:14,869 --> 00:16:18,289
Remember her in Zombieland?
And La La Land?
309
00:16:18,373 --> 00:16:20,250
What's with all her movies
ending with "land"?
310
00:16:20,333 --> 00:16:22,127
-You're stalling.
-Yup. Heading out.
311
00:16:23,878 --> 00:16:26,089
Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.
312
00:16:26,172 --> 00:16:28,425
Janet was my whole afterlife.
313
00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:31,094
How am I gonna get over her?
314
00:16:31,678 --> 00:16:33,972
I used to have a breakup routine
when a relationship ended.
315
00:16:34,055 --> 00:16:37,100
Champagne and Alanis Morissette.
316
00:16:37,183 --> 00:16:38,351
Not the actual singer.
317
00:16:38,435 --> 00:16:41,771
I just listened to her albums
at my friend Adele's house.
318
00:16:41,855 --> 00:16:45,358
I guess I could do
my normal breakup routine.
319
00:16:45,442 --> 00:16:48,903
Drink a ton of Mountain Dew, steal an ATV
320
00:16:48,987 --> 00:16:50,822
and ride it through a Panda Express.
321
00:16:51,489 --> 00:16:54,200
But then I'd have to ask Janet
for the Mountain Dew and the ATV,
322
00:16:54,284 --> 00:16:57,328
and then I'd have to see Janet,
and then I'd start crying.
323
00:16:57,412 --> 00:17:00,415
-What do I do?
-I honestly don't know.
324
00:17:00,498 --> 00:17:04,502
But whatever you do,
you'll be doing it with your friends.
325
00:17:08,798 --> 00:17:12,177
And I didn't even get to tell you
about the Blake Bortles part.
326
00:17:12,260 --> 00:17:18,016
So, Chidi, do you remember that woman
Simone from the party the other night?
327
00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:19,726
Simone...
328
00:17:19,809 --> 00:17:22,395
the Third Eye Blind superfan
329
00:17:22,479 --> 00:17:24,522
who walked around
cutting off people's ponytails?
330
00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:26,066
That's the one.
331
00:17:26,149 --> 00:17:29,152
Uh, I need your help,
acclimating her to the neighborhood.
332
00:17:29,235 --> 00:17:33,823
I've tried, but since she thinks
this whole thing is imaginary,
333
00:17:33,907 --> 00:17:37,327
and I'm an authority figure,
I'm extra suspicious.
334
00:17:37,410 --> 00:17:39,829
Well, what makes you think
I'd have any more luck?
335
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:43,416
Chidi, you and Simone...
336
00:17:45,293 --> 00:17:46,628
are soulmates.
337
00:17:48,588 --> 00:17:52,258
Soulmates? Like our souls are...
338
00:17:53,176 --> 00:17:54,219
are...
339
00:17:54,302 --> 00:17:55,512
Mates, yes.
340
00:17:55,595 --> 00:17:59,224
Everyone has people
that they're cosmically bound to,
341
00:17:59,307 --> 00:18:01,976
and the system brings them together
in the afterlife.
342
00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:07,565
And I can say, with complete certainty,
that you and Simone are two such people.
343
00:18:10,318 --> 00:18:11,986
I haven't told her yet.
344
00:18:12,070 --> 00:18:14,197
I wouldn't have told you, ordinarily,
345
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,616
but since she's gone
a little cuckoo bananas...
346
00:18:17,659 --> 00:18:19,035
That's the official architect term.
347
00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:22,497
Uh, I thought it was prudent
to let you know.
348
00:18:22,580 --> 00:18:24,916
Whoo, boy, uh...
349
00:18:24,999 --> 00:18:26,126
I'm getting a stomachache.
350
00:18:27,794 --> 00:18:31,005
But a good one! A happy stomachache!
This is new.
351
00:18:31,089 --> 00:18:33,633
There are some great writings
352
00:18:33,716 --> 00:18:37,387
on simulated realities
that might help her adjust.
353
00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:39,013
Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou...
354
00:18:39,097 --> 00:18:40,723
I wonder if I can summon a book
from my apartment.
355
00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:45,186
Well, good luck.
356
00:18:46,396 --> 00:18:47,939
This is incredible.
357
00:18:48,022 --> 00:18:52,527
I spent my whole life in pursuit
of fundamental truths about the universe,
358
00:18:52,610 --> 00:18:56,406
but I never actually
fell in love with someone.
359
00:18:57,448 --> 00:18:58,366
I know.
360
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:02,704
Oh, right. Of course.
You know everything about me.
361
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:04,706
I do indeed.
362
00:19:11,754 --> 00:19:15,633
Hi, Simone.
Uh, Chidi. From the other night.
363
00:19:16,217 --> 00:19:17,886
Oh! Wow.
364
00:19:17,969 --> 00:19:20,180
My brain must
really like keeping you around.
365
00:19:20,263 --> 00:19:22,724
Have a fake seat
and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist.
366
00:19:22,807 --> 00:19:24,184
Right, um...
367
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:30,315
So, if I understand your state of mind,
it's basically solipsism.
368
00:19:30,940 --> 00:19:33,026
You think that you're
the only real thing in the universe,
369
00:19:33,109 --> 00:19:36,613
and everything else
stems from your consciousness.
370
00:19:36,696 --> 00:19:40,617
Yes, but to be fair, I only think that
because it's true and I'm right.
371
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:46,581
No offense, but solipsism,
as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile,
372
00:19:46,664 --> 00:19:49,792
especially for a person
with multiple advanced degrees.
373
00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:52,337
And it's also impossible to refute,
374
00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:56,049
because everything you see
is confirmed by your belief.
375
00:19:56,674 --> 00:19:57,508
However...
376
00:19:58,218 --> 00:20:01,512
- Dude!
-What? If none of this is real,
377
00:20:01,596 --> 00:20:03,640
then it really shouldn't matter, right?
In fact...
378
00:20:04,682 --> 00:20:06,976
- Dude!
-What?
379
00:20:07,060 --> 00:20:09,896
It's not real. None of this matters.
380
00:20:09,979 --> 00:20:12,023
Leave that on your nose
for the rest of time.
381
00:20:12,106 --> 00:20:14,651
Fine. Point sort of taken.
382
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:15,860
You know, in a larger sense,
383
00:20:15,944 --> 00:20:18,154
if you go around acting like
no one else matters,
384
00:20:18,238 --> 00:20:20,698
then you end up doing things
like knocking over cakes,
385
00:20:20,782 --> 00:20:25,078
and pushing people into pools
and just generally acting like a jerk.
386
00:20:25,912 --> 00:20:28,748
Why not treat them better,
just in case they're real?
387
00:20:28,831 --> 00:20:30,250
I mean, what do you have to lose
388
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:33,294
by treating people
with kindness and respect?
389
00:20:33,378 --> 00:20:38,424
Okay. Keep talking, probably-fake
but-maybe-real philosopher man.
390
00:20:43,638 --> 00:20:46,015
Well, good news,
Simone and Chidi are hitting it off.
391
00:20:46,599 --> 00:20:48,935
I mean, I wasn't getting
any use out of him as a boyfriend,
392
00:20:49,018 --> 00:20:51,229
so why not pass him off
to someone in need?
393
00:20:52,105 --> 00:20:54,399
Is this what donating
old bras to Goodwill feels like?
394
00:20:54,482 --> 00:20:57,110
It must have been really hard,
lying to Chidi like that.
395
00:20:57,193 --> 00:20:59,404
That's the thing,
I don't know that it was a lie.
396
00:20:59,487 --> 00:21:01,489
They did fall in love on Earth.
397
00:21:01,572 --> 00:21:02,782
And Michael was right.
398
00:21:02,865 --> 00:21:06,744
Chidi made a huge sacrifice for us,
and I had to make sure it was worth it.
399
00:21:06,828 --> 00:21:10,248
It's arguable that you made
an even bigger sacrifice.
400
00:21:10,331 --> 00:21:13,126
You actually have to live
with this situation.
401
00:21:13,209 --> 00:21:17,088
Chidi just gets to go around,
blissfully unaware of what he gave up.
402
00:21:17,171 --> 00:21:18,965
Yeah, but we know what he gave up.
403
00:21:20,425 --> 00:21:21,801
Dat ash.
404
00:21:23,386 --> 00:21:26,306
Come on, bud. I know you're down,
but you can't leave me hanging.
405
00:21:26,389 --> 00:21:28,850
You're right. That is the code.