1
00:00:09,030 --> 00:00:11,574
Michael designs
the new neighborhood.
2
00:00:11,657 --> 00:00:12,825
Bad Place gets to choose
the four new humans.
3
00:00:12,908 --> 00:00:15,161
The other residents will be Janet babies.
4
00:00:15,244 --> 00:00:16,787
You know,
if we pooled our resources,
5
00:00:16,871 --> 00:00:19,206
we could be done
in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.
6
00:00:19,290 --> 00:00:20,332
Thanks, Derek.
7
00:00:20,416 --> 00:00:22,960
When you fail, the four humans
will be tortured for all eternity.
8
00:00:23,044 --> 00:00:25,171
But guess who's going to be
doing the torturing?
9
00:00:25,254 --> 00:00:26,547
We built a Michael suit.
10
00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:28,841
I can't do it. It's too scary.
11
00:00:29,425 --> 00:00:30,885
Hi, John. I'm the architect.
12
00:00:30,968 --> 00:00:32,053
Come on in.
13
00:00:32,136 --> 00:00:34,388
The Bad Place
didn't pick the worst people.
14
00:00:34,472 --> 00:00:38,267
They picked the people
who would be the worst for us.
15
00:00:38,350 --> 00:00:40,644
You need to erase my memory and reboot me.
16
00:00:40,728 --> 00:00:42,188
Hi, Chidi. I'm Eleanor.
17
00:00:42,772 --> 00:00:43,689
Come on in.
18
00:00:46,150 --> 00:00:50,112
Wow. Just "wow." It's perfect.
19
00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:54,617
Everything is just perfect.
I am so, so happy!
20
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:56,160
I'm glad you like it.
21
00:00:56,243 --> 00:00:57,536
It's so quaint.
22
00:00:57,620 --> 00:01:01,499
It feels cozy
but also vibrant and limitless.
23
00:01:01,582 --> 00:01:05,586
I can't believe how utterly,
completely, 100% perfect
24
00:01:05,669 --> 00:01:07,213
-everything is.
-You know, let's keep this moving.
25
00:01:07,296 --> 00:01:08,464
Oh, yeah, sure.
26
00:01:08,547 --> 00:01:10,049
Here is your new home,
27
00:01:10,841 --> 00:01:13,844
complete with two of your favorite things,
floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...
28
00:01:13,928 --> 00:01:16,180
Reading lights! I love reading lights.
29
00:01:16,263 --> 00:01:17,348
They're great for reading.
30
00:01:17,431 --> 00:01:18,724
And, oh, check this out.
31
00:01:18,808 --> 00:01:22,561
Um, hold out your hand...
and think about a book.
32
00:01:27,817 --> 00:01:30,986
I can summon philosophy books
like Thor's hammer.
33
00:01:31,070 --> 00:01:32,947
This is literally my number one dream.
34
00:01:33,030 --> 00:01:33,989
Also...
35
00:01:34,073 --> 00:01:34,949
Ow!
36
00:01:35,032 --> 00:01:35,866
That hurt.
37
00:01:35,950 --> 00:01:37,660
Well, I have a lot
to attend to, um...
38
00:01:38,410 --> 00:01:39,620
Welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.
39
00:01:39,703 --> 00:01:40,955
Thank you so much.
40
00:01:41,038 --> 00:01:46,001
Uh, and I'm sorry, this has been
so overwhelming, I forgot your name.
41
00:01:47,962 --> 00:01:49,755
-Eleanor.
-Eleanor. Right.
42
00:01:49,839 --> 00:01:52,216
Sorry. Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor.
Now I'll never forget.
43
00:01:52,299 --> 00:01:54,301
Well, ya might!
44
00:01:58,764 --> 00:02:01,016
-Okay, can we not--
- Oh, Eleanor.
45
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:03,435
You did a brave thing
and I am embracing you.
46
00:02:03,519 --> 00:02:05,354
And I shall not let you go.
47
00:02:05,437 --> 00:02:07,189
And I am also embracing you
48
00:02:07,273 --> 00:02:09,817
because this feels warm
and my hands are cold.
49
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,068
Guys, I'm good!
50
00:02:11,152 --> 00:02:13,737
Honestly, it wasn't
even as bad as I thought.
51
00:02:14,363 --> 00:02:16,031
I mean, who cares
if he doesn't remember my name?
52
00:02:16,115 --> 00:02:17,241
Oof.
53
00:02:17,324 --> 00:02:19,076
I mean, "cool-f."
54
00:02:19,702 --> 00:02:20,953
Good save, bud.
55
00:02:21,036 --> 00:02:23,414
Let's just concentrate
on the next resident,
56
00:02:23,497 --> 00:02:25,666
who gets here in six minutes.
57
00:02:26,625 --> 00:02:28,544
Wait. I need to say something.
58
00:02:28,627 --> 00:02:30,254
I know this seems bleak,
59
00:02:30,337 --> 00:02:34,592
and it feels like we're all doomed,
and therefore humanity is doomed.
60
00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:36,177
You needed to say that?
61
00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:39,597
The point is, I believe
that we're destined to succeed.
62
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:43,017
There is nothing that the Bad Place
can throw at us that we can't handle.
63
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:47,229
Because we are an incredible,
inspiring, brilliant group of--
64
00:02:47,313 --> 00:02:50,274
Supercharged D-bag ass-wiping maniacs.
65
00:02:50,357 --> 00:02:51,483
I mean, look at you!
66
00:02:52,109 --> 00:02:57,197
I am so proud of how disgusting
and cruel you all are.
67
00:02:57,281 --> 00:02:58,616
You suck.
68
00:03:00,075 --> 00:03:02,912
You all suck donkey butts.
69
00:03:02,995 --> 00:03:06,957
Tahani, so... so smart and sophisticated.
70
00:03:07,041 --> 00:03:09,835
She was the only one who was able
to talk me out of that goatee.
71
00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:11,837
Well, I lost that battle
with Robert Downey Jr.,
72
00:03:11,921 --> 00:03:13,672
and I'll be damned if I lose it with you.
73
00:03:13,756 --> 00:03:16,050
-Bambadjan, such an unbelievable dingus.
-Thanks.
74
00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:19,261
And Val.
Who's a bigger skid mark than Val?
75
00:03:19,345 --> 00:03:20,512
Maybe your mom.
76
00:03:23,349 --> 00:03:24,266
Classic.
77
00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:28,354
We have Janet,
who can do literally anything.
78
00:03:28,437 --> 00:03:31,815
She made all the other people
in the neighborhood.
79
00:03:31,899 --> 00:03:32,733
Not people.
80
00:03:32,816 --> 00:03:37,112
We have me, who had a momentary setback,
but I'm feeling great now,
81
00:03:37,196 --> 00:03:38,197
and that was a while ago.
82
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,574
Most of you don't even remember it,
probably.
83
00:03:42,201 --> 00:03:44,703
We have Jason, who can...
84
00:03:48,499 --> 00:03:51,794
And marching us into battle,
our fearless leader,
85
00:03:51,877 --> 00:03:56,340
the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,
Eleanor Shellstrop!
86
00:03:57,383 --> 00:04:01,428
Technically, the Pride of Phoenix
is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper
87
00:04:01,512 --> 00:04:03,055
made from cigarette butts.
88
00:04:03,138 --> 00:04:04,473
It's outside City Hall.
89
00:04:04,556 --> 00:04:06,684
But thank you for the kind words.
90
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:10,479
With this team,
there's no problem we can't solve.
91
00:04:10,562 --> 00:04:12,648
There is no problem we can't create.
92
00:04:12,731 --> 00:04:16,402
And believe me,
we are gonna create some problems.
93
00:04:16,485 --> 00:04:19,822
So let's kick things off
with our official Bad Place song!
94
00:04:19,905 --> 00:04:22,992
1 877 Kars for Kids
95
00:04:23,075 --> 00:04:26,453
K-A-R-S Kars for Kids
96
00:04:26,537 --> 00:04:27,746
Ooh, are we singing?
97
00:04:27,830 --> 00:04:28,914
Shut up, Glenn.
98
00:04:35,754 --> 00:04:36,755
I think you look great.
99
00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:39,925
Professional, serious,
a proper team leader.
100
00:04:40,009 --> 00:04:43,387
Does make me feel authoritative,
like that chick from Law and Order.
101
00:04:43,971 --> 00:04:49,101
"Well, boys, looks like
we've got ourselves an SVU."
102
00:04:50,311 --> 00:04:51,437
I've never seen the show.
103
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,772
-Okay. Who we got next?
104
00:04:56,650 --> 00:04:58,986
Linda? Come on in.
105
00:04:59,069 --> 00:05:04,116
So, you, Linda Johannsen,
are in the Good Place.
106
00:05:05,117 --> 00:05:06,118
That's nice.
107
00:05:07,536 --> 00:05:10,914
I know this can be a little overwhelming,
but you'll get used to it.
108
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:13,208
Do you have any questions?
109
00:05:14,126 --> 00:05:15,502
Is there a fitness center?
110
00:05:15,586 --> 00:05:16,962
There can be,
111
00:05:17,046 --> 00:05:21,717
plus literally anything else
you could possibly wish for.
112
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,929
Just in case we weren't clear,
this is the Good Place.
113
00:05:26,013 --> 00:05:27,765
A state of eternal happiness.
114
00:05:28,932 --> 00:05:30,142
Paradise.
115
00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:32,186
That's nice.
116
00:05:33,270 --> 00:05:34,605
I like that.
117
00:05:36,940 --> 00:05:39,485
So, the Bad Place sent Simone
to mess with Chidi,
118
00:05:39,568 --> 00:05:40,652
John to mess with Tahani...
119
00:05:40,736 --> 00:05:42,946
Do you think they sent Linda
to mess with Jason?
120
00:05:43,030 --> 00:05:46,408
She's from Norway.
Is Norway, like, the opposite of Florida?
121
00:05:46,492 --> 00:05:48,035
All I know is she's boring.
122
00:05:48,118 --> 00:05:51,330
She makes Neutral Janet
look like Disco Janet.
123
00:05:52,164 --> 00:05:54,625
Disco Janet was around
for a while years ago.
124
00:05:54,708 --> 00:05:56,043
She was great.
125
00:05:56,126 --> 00:05:58,629
I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.
126
00:05:58,712 --> 00:06:02,007
Actually, that's a good idea.
Let's unload this dead weight.
127
00:06:02,091 --> 00:06:03,467
-Janet?
-Hi, there!
128
00:06:03,550 --> 00:06:05,094
Linda, this is Janet.
129
00:06:05,177 --> 00:06:08,555
If you want anything at all,
Janet can bring it to you. Watch.
130
00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:13,018
Janet, can I have a baby elephant
made of pure light
131
00:06:13,102 --> 00:06:15,729
that tells you true secrets
about the universe?
132
00:06:16,396 --> 00:06:19,274
-Shirley Temple killed JFK.
- See?
133
00:06:19,358 --> 00:06:20,609
Anything you want from Janet?
134
00:06:21,777 --> 00:06:24,822
Can I have... a peppermint?
135
00:06:24,905 --> 00:06:26,073
Sure!
136
00:06:29,034 --> 00:06:30,619
I'm going to go over there now.
137
00:06:33,789 --> 00:06:35,916
Stonehenge was a sex thing.
138
00:06:42,422 --> 00:06:44,341
Brent, come on in.
139
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:49,179
So, you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.
140
00:06:50,180 --> 00:06:51,932
Really? Well, that blows.
141
00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:53,725
Uh, you know what?
Maybe it's a good thing, actually.
142
00:06:53,809 --> 00:06:55,102
Some journalist was poking around,
143
00:06:55,185 --> 00:06:56,895
calling all these ladies
who used to work for me.
144
00:06:56,979 --> 00:06:58,438
You can't even make a joke these days.
145
00:06:58,522 --> 00:06:59,565
Everything is so PC.
146
00:06:59,648 --> 00:07:02,109
And I was an equal opportunity
offender, okay?
147
00:07:02,192 --> 00:07:03,193
I made jokes about everybody.
148
00:07:03,277 --> 00:07:05,946
And, by the way,
I'm the furthest thing from racist.
149
00:07:06,029 --> 00:07:07,823
My dentist was a black woman.
150
00:07:08,323 --> 00:07:10,033
I just think people need to loosen up.
151
00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:11,702
So, where am I exactly?
152
00:07:13,287 --> 00:07:14,496
The Good Place.
153
00:07:15,247 --> 00:07:17,166
Cool. Good.
154
00:07:17,791 --> 00:07:22,129
So, Brent, I see from your file
you were in the materials business.
155
00:07:22,212 --> 00:07:23,589
Oh, yeah. Big time.
156
00:07:23,672 --> 00:07:27,342
Strings, cords,
vinyl, synthetics, rubber...
157
00:07:27,426 --> 00:07:28,844
We do vulcanized now, so that's huge.
158
00:07:29,553 --> 00:07:32,264
Plus metals. Aluminum, brass, copper.
What else?
159
00:07:32,347 --> 00:07:34,558
-Steel?
-No, not steel.
160
00:07:34,641 --> 00:07:35,767
Steel's a sucker's game.
161
00:07:35,851 --> 00:07:37,478
Polymers, coatings, internals...
162
00:07:37,561 --> 00:07:40,981
You crack open an HVAC, that is all us.
163
00:07:41,064 --> 00:07:42,691
Is there golf here?
There freakin' better be.
164
00:07:42,774 --> 00:07:46,778
Okay, well, why don't you
explore around a bit while I go far away?
165
00:07:46,862 --> 00:07:49,615
And if you need anything,
you can always ask Janet.
166
00:07:49,698 --> 00:07:51,492
-Janet?
-Hi, there! How can I help you?
167
00:07:51,575 --> 00:07:53,368
A secretary. Great.
168
00:07:53,452 --> 00:07:56,788
-Not a secretary.
-Fine. Executive assistant.
169
00:07:56,872 --> 00:07:59,166
Here we go with all the "terms"
we got to learn, right?
170
00:07:59,249 --> 00:08:03,170
Vice President of Helping! Captain Marvel!
You know what I'm saying.
171
00:08:03,754 --> 00:08:04,838
I'm not part of this.
172
00:08:04,922 --> 00:08:05,923
Let me show you around.
173
00:08:07,925 --> 00:08:09,968
Well, Linda must be here for Jason,
174
00:08:10,052 --> 00:08:13,722
because Brent is definitely here
to annoy the fork out of me.
175
00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:16,808
Everyone, you may remember
Matt from Accounting.
176
00:08:16,892 --> 00:08:19,311
The Judge has assigned him to our project.
177
00:08:19,394 --> 00:08:21,271
So, I'll be monitoring
the four new humans.
178
00:08:21,355 --> 00:08:24,775
A modified points system will be applied
to their actions for the next year,
179
00:08:24,858 --> 00:08:26,485
and then we'll know
how much better or worse
180
00:08:26,568 --> 00:08:28,445
their behavior is
than when they were alive.
181
00:08:28,529 --> 00:08:31,114
But no one will be able to see
what's happening in real time.
182
00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:32,908
Good luck saving humanity
from eternal doom!
183
00:08:39,122 --> 00:08:40,666
Okay, forget about
all that stuff.
184
00:08:40,749 --> 00:08:43,210
For this first week, all we need to do
185
00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:46,004
is figure out what the fork is up
with these benches.
186
00:08:46,088 --> 00:08:48,173
So, I made this.
187
00:08:48,757 --> 00:08:52,886
We start them out on this side,
because we're like, "What's your deal?"
188
00:08:52,970 --> 00:08:55,722
And when we feel we have a handle
on who they are,
189
00:08:55,806 --> 00:08:58,392
what makes them tick,
we move them to this side...
190
00:08:59,268 --> 00:09:00,143
Party time!
191
00:09:00,227 --> 00:09:02,938
We already know a lot about Simone, so...
192
00:09:04,064 --> 00:09:04,898
Boom!
193
00:09:04,982 --> 00:09:06,858
See? One down, three to go.
194
00:09:06,942 --> 00:09:08,277
Let's go figure out the others.
195
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,528
We can do this.
196
00:09:09,611 --> 00:09:12,364
On three. "Dead eyes, eat hearts,
can't lose!"
197
00:09:13,574 --> 00:09:16,868
Sorry, old Bad Place rallying cry.
198
00:09:16,952 --> 00:09:19,371
Aww!
199
00:09:19,454 --> 00:09:21,957
Janet, he's walking around again.
200
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:22,958
Yeah, I see that.
201
00:09:23,041 --> 00:09:24,876
Derek, what are you doing here?
202
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,420
You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.
203
00:09:26,503 --> 00:09:29,798
I can't help it.
I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.
204
00:09:29,881 --> 00:09:33,302
I mean, will you look at all these
beautiful babies that we made?
205
00:09:33,385 --> 00:09:36,722
She made them, dude.
You barely did anything.
206
00:09:36,805 --> 00:09:39,141
Probably just made all the butts.
207
00:09:39,224 --> 00:09:40,267
I did make all the butts.
208
00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:42,185
-I made that butt, I made that butt.
- Mmm, right.
209
00:09:42,269 --> 00:09:44,146
- I made both those butts.
210
00:09:44,229 --> 00:09:46,273
Derek, you have to stay at Mindy's house.
211
00:09:46,356 --> 00:09:47,983
What if one of our new humans sees you
212
00:09:48,066 --> 00:09:50,652
and starts asking questions
about the weirdo in the tux?
213
00:09:50,736 --> 00:09:54,031
Say no more. But before I leave,
can I have a hug
214
00:09:54,114 --> 00:09:56,908
in celebration of everything
that we created?
215
00:09:56,992 --> 00:09:58,785
- Okay.
- Aww!
216
00:09:58,869 --> 00:10:00,996
That feels so...
217
00:10:02,122 --> 00:10:03,206
Derek.
218
00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:07,878
You are all, simply put, good people.
219
00:10:07,961 --> 00:10:10,631
The point of the video
is to make them all confront
220
00:10:10,714 --> 00:10:12,799
what kind of people they were on Earth.
221
00:10:12,883 --> 00:10:18,138
Keep a close eye on our four subjects.
Try to gauge their reactions.
222
00:10:18,221 --> 00:10:21,600
The subtlest glances,
the tiniest flinches...
223
00:10:22,851 --> 00:10:24,728
What about shaking someone by the head?
224
00:10:24,811 --> 00:10:26,396
What does that mean?
225
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,689
Oh, boy.
226
00:10:28,565 --> 00:10:32,027
Hey, Simone. Everything okay?
227
00:10:32,110 --> 00:10:33,695
Yeah. Well, no.
228
00:10:33,779 --> 00:10:37,032
Well, actually, it doesn't matter.
None of this is real.
229
00:10:37,783 --> 00:10:39,534
-Sorry?
-I'm a neuroscientist,
230
00:10:39,618 --> 00:10:41,078
so I get what's going on here.
231
00:10:41,161 --> 00:10:43,997
You know, clearly, I was in
some kind of horrible accident,
232
00:10:44,081 --> 00:10:46,625
I'm on my deathbed, and this entire thing
is just a hallucination
233
00:10:46,708 --> 00:10:49,252
constructed by my damaged brain
as it slowly shuts down.
234
00:10:49,336 --> 00:10:50,253
It's not real.
235
00:10:50,337 --> 00:10:54,466
So, I'm just gonna wander around
until I wake up or die.
236
00:10:54,549 --> 00:10:56,718
See ya later, figments of my imagination.
237
00:10:59,638 --> 00:11:04,059
She's just gonna go get some popcorn
from the... river.
238
00:11:04,643 --> 00:11:07,229
There's a popcorn river.
I'll show you guys later.
239
00:11:07,312 --> 00:11:09,898
Uh, she said keep going without her,
so let's roll it.
240
00:11:09,981 --> 00:11:11,775
Janet, make a popcorn river.
241
00:11:11,858 --> 00:11:14,319
Everyone else,
meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.
242
00:11:14,903 --> 00:11:18,240
Well... we're off to a fantastic start.
243
00:11:18,323 --> 00:11:21,118
I wish I could stay and help,
but this system is so complex
244
00:11:21,201 --> 00:11:24,329
that if I lose concentration
for even one billionth of a second,
245
00:11:24,413 --> 00:11:27,082
the entire neighborhood could collapse
in on itself like a dying star.
246
00:11:28,375 --> 00:11:30,710
Also, Brent wants a BLT.
247
00:11:30,794 --> 00:11:32,963
Simone's reaction is fairly common.
248
00:11:33,046 --> 00:11:34,756
When I worked in the Bad Place,
249
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,467
some people just wouldn't believe it
when they heard they were dead.
250
00:11:37,551 --> 00:11:38,593
How did you convince them?
251
00:11:38,677 --> 00:11:42,097
They'd usually come around
by the third or fourth day of mouth fleas.
252
00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:44,099
Obviously, not an option here.
253
00:11:44,182 --> 00:11:46,184
But if Simone doesn't think this is real,
254
00:11:46,268 --> 00:11:48,311
she definitely won't become
a better person.
255
00:11:48,395 --> 00:11:51,022
Who can convince her
that this actually is the afterlife?
256
00:11:51,106 --> 00:11:53,900
We need someone authoritative
and reassuring
257
00:11:53,984 --> 00:11:56,611
like Nelson Mandela
or Sir Patrick Stewart,
258
00:11:56,695 --> 00:11:59,448
or, really, any of my old
racquetball partners would do.
259
00:11:59,531 --> 00:12:00,740
Oh, I know who it should be.
260
00:12:00,824 --> 00:12:03,076
If you say Blake Bortles,
I'm gonna slap you a lot.
261
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,454
Chidi. I believe everything
Chidi ever tells me
262
00:12:05,537 --> 00:12:07,289
because of his brain and how he looks like
263
00:12:07,372 --> 00:12:09,666
one of those owls
that graduated from college.
264
00:12:09,749 --> 00:12:11,042
Of course!
265
00:12:11,126 --> 00:12:15,338
Time to activate our ethical sleeper agent
and introduce him to Simone.
266
00:12:15,422 --> 00:12:16,548
Uh, I don't know.
267
00:12:16,631 --> 00:12:18,550
Simone isn't struggling
with a philosophy problem.
268
00:12:18,633 --> 00:12:21,678
She's just, you know, like... being silly.
269
00:12:21,761 --> 00:12:24,764
Let's just get her to the welcome party
and I'm sure she'll be fine.
270
00:12:24,848 --> 00:12:28,059
-Eleanor, look what my brain did!
271
00:12:29,102 --> 00:12:30,979
It's not real, and neither are you.
272
00:12:31,062 --> 00:12:34,316
I'm in a coma and none of this is real
273
00:12:34,399 --> 00:12:37,694
Okay, I know this is bad
and we need a new approach,
274
00:12:38,445 --> 00:12:40,697
but she is wearing
the hell out of those foam fingers.
275
00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:45,118
Root-a-toot-toot
276
00:12:45,202 --> 00:12:47,829
Dude, Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.
277
00:12:47,913 --> 00:12:53,293
I know. I just came to mix myself
a Derek and then I'll be on my way.
278
00:12:54,085 --> 00:12:57,255
Before you leave, I wanna call a truce.
279
00:12:57,339 --> 00:12:58,507
All right.
280
00:12:58,590 --> 00:13:01,927
I feel like you're trying
to get under my skin, but it's okay.
281
00:13:02,010 --> 00:13:04,262
I've decided to rise above it.
282
00:13:04,346 --> 00:13:06,181
Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.
283
00:13:06,264 --> 00:13:08,725
Let me say in response...
284
00:13:09,392 --> 00:13:13,021
I will destroy you.
285
00:13:13,605 --> 00:13:19,694
Janet is and always will be
my mommy-girlfriend.
286
00:13:19,778 --> 00:13:23,156
You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.
287
00:13:26,826 --> 00:13:28,245
Mmm...
288
00:13:28,954 --> 00:13:30,121
Okay, status report.
289
00:13:30,205 --> 00:13:31,831
What have we learned about Linda?
290
00:13:31,915 --> 00:13:32,874
Little, I'm afraid.
291
00:13:32,958 --> 00:13:36,253
I tried talking to her, but it was
the dullest conversation I have ever had.
292
00:13:36,336 --> 00:13:39,756
And this is coming from someone who
once split a Xanax with Peter Sarsgaard.
293
00:13:39,839 --> 00:13:42,467
Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.
We have enough to worry about.
294
00:13:42,551 --> 00:13:45,470
-How is Brent doing?
-About the same, I'd say.
295
00:13:45,554 --> 00:13:46,388
Princeton.
296
00:13:46,471 --> 00:13:48,974
Graduated in the top half
of the bottom half of my class.
297
00:13:49,057 --> 00:13:51,810
Rowing team, sailing team,
class president,
298
00:13:51,893 --> 00:13:52,978
I hung out with all those guys.
299
00:13:53,061 --> 00:13:56,106
Okay. And John,
our favorite gossip columnist?
300
00:13:56,189 --> 00:13:59,568
Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face
with six vials of Juvederm.
301
00:13:59,651 --> 00:14:02,404
I'm hoping that my corpse
looks like a waxed tile floor.
302
00:14:02,487 --> 00:14:05,115
My ex-boyf is gonna be supes jeal'.
303
00:14:05,198 --> 00:14:07,993
Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop
trying to see who gets me.
304
00:14:08,076 --> 00:14:10,787
Our biggest liability right now is Simone.
305
00:14:10,870 --> 00:14:14,249
Let's try to keep the three of them
away from her.
306
00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:19,296
We can't wait any longer.
We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.
307
00:14:19,379 --> 00:14:21,965
Why? I think she's doing great.
308
00:14:23,675 --> 00:14:24,676
See?
309
00:14:24,759 --> 00:14:26,636
She's getting all the cake-pushing
out of her system.
310
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:31,182
I know it's painful to think
of the two of them... connecting.
311
00:14:31,266 --> 00:14:34,144
But Chidi made an incredible sacrifice.
312
00:14:34,227 --> 00:14:37,772
He had his memories erased
so he could help people.
313
00:14:37,856 --> 00:14:41,026
And if we don't let him help Simone,
it'll be all for nothing.
314
00:14:42,027 --> 00:14:43,194
Fine.
315
00:14:44,613 --> 00:14:47,657
Stupid ethical, reasonable argument.
316
00:14:47,741 --> 00:14:50,076
Wish you were a cake. Push you over.
317
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:53,538
-Are you still muttering?
-No, I stopped.
318
00:14:54,247 --> 00:14:56,958
Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon.
319
00:14:58,710 --> 00:14:59,544
Whoa!
320
00:15:02,505 --> 00:15:04,299
Hey, there, Simone!
321
00:15:04,382 --> 00:15:06,593
-Shoving people in the pool, huh?
-Yeah.
322
00:15:06,676 --> 00:15:09,638
Just testing the laws of physics
here in my nonsense brain-jail.
323
00:15:09,721 --> 00:15:13,642
-Who's this?
-This is Chidi Anagonye.
324
00:15:13,725 --> 00:15:16,478
He was a professor
of ethics and moral philosophy,
325
00:15:16,561 --> 00:15:18,021
so I figured he might be able to help.
326
00:15:18,104 --> 00:15:22,025
Chidi Anagonye. That sounds so familiar.
Where did you teach?
327
00:15:22,108 --> 00:15:24,361
St. John's University in Sydney.
328
00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:26,404
Of course. I used to teach there.
329
00:15:26,488 --> 00:15:28,365
I must have seen his name
on the faculty list
330
00:15:28,448 --> 00:15:31,868
and now my dying brain
is just leaking out random information.
331
00:15:32,911 --> 00:15:35,330
The human mind is truly incredible.
332
00:15:36,164 --> 00:15:38,917
I want something else
333
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,127
To get me through this
334
00:15:41,211 --> 00:15:43,713
Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby
335
00:15:43,797 --> 00:15:46,174
Sorry... uh, what's happening now?
336
00:15:46,257 --> 00:15:48,385
When I was a kid, my CD alarm clock broke
337
00:15:48,468 --> 00:15:50,220
and it used to wake me up
to that song every day,
338
00:15:50,303 --> 00:15:52,973
so now I'm singing it
to try and wake myself up.
339
00:15:53,056 --> 00:15:54,849
Okay. Well, it was nice meeting you.
340
00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:59,062
Nice to meet you, too, cute guy generated
by my rapidly-decaying temporal lobe.
341
00:16:04,609 --> 00:16:05,443
-Hey--
-You know,
342
00:16:05,527 --> 00:16:08,613
it's bad enough that you guys
have taken over my house for a year
343
00:16:08,697 --> 00:16:10,532
and I've had to move into the attic,
344
00:16:10,615 --> 00:16:12,200
but now I have to walk in to find
345
00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:14,953
Darth Vader's turd
in the middle of my living room.
346
00:16:15,036 --> 00:16:16,287
I mean, what is this?
347
00:16:16,371 --> 00:16:17,789
No time to explain.
348
00:16:18,373 --> 00:16:19,708
Also, I kinda forgot.
349
00:16:19,791 --> 00:16:21,501
Where is Derek's plunger?
The one that kills him?
350
00:16:22,627 --> 00:16:25,338
Yeah, I used to do this
whenever I needed some alone time.
351
00:16:25,422 --> 00:16:29,050
Once, I rebooted him
just because he was breathing super loud.
352
00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:32,053
Then, when he woke up,
he was like, "I don't breathe."
353
00:16:32,137 --> 00:16:33,430
So I don't know what I heard.
354
00:16:33,513 --> 00:16:36,016
Well, I'm doing this because
he's trying to steal my girlfriend.
355
00:16:36,099 --> 00:16:38,101
Yeah. You don't need to justify it.
356
00:16:38,184 --> 00:16:40,186
Again, I do it all the time.
357
00:16:41,062 --> 00:16:43,189
No! Mindy, please wait. Don't kill me.
358
00:16:43,273 --> 00:16:44,107
Oh!
359
00:16:44,858 --> 00:16:47,027
It's you? Okay.
360
00:16:47,110 --> 00:16:48,945
Well, you certainly
don't have the Dereks to--
361
00:16:59,831 --> 00:17:00,957
Yeah!
362
00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:02,500
Oh!
363
00:17:02,584 --> 00:17:03,710
It's always good.
364
00:17:04,878 --> 00:17:06,796
You know what, Simone?
Think of it this way.
365
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,717
If this is really all a hallucination,
doesn't it seem kinda basic?
366
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,595
I mean, surely your brain
would imagine something weirder
367
00:17:13,678 --> 00:17:15,472
than just a nice cocktail party.
368
00:17:15,555 --> 00:17:16,765
You mean like that?
369
00:17:16,848 --> 00:17:19,392
Attention, I have been Derek'd.
370
00:17:19,476 --> 00:17:22,604
That's probably my doctor.
This is all in my head.
371
00:17:22,687 --> 00:17:23,938
I'm gonna go eat a knife.
372
00:17:24,022 --> 00:17:26,608
Attention. Murder has been me.
373
00:17:26,691 --> 00:17:28,109
Let me get this straight.
374
00:17:28,193 --> 00:17:30,862
Derek "made mean eyes at you,"
375
00:17:30,945 --> 00:17:33,698
so you went to Mindy's house
and murdered him?
376
00:17:33,782 --> 00:17:35,992
Yeah, dawg, but his eyes were really mean.
377
00:17:36,076 --> 00:17:37,827
You're probably thinking this...
378
00:17:39,621 --> 00:17:41,039
but they were more like this...
379
00:17:42,415 --> 00:17:44,209
Jason, why did you kill Derek?
380
00:17:44,292 --> 00:17:47,545
I had to get his giant head out of the sky
before any of the humans could see,
381
00:17:47,629 --> 00:17:48,588
and it was not easy.
382
00:17:48,671 --> 00:17:51,174
I was scared Derek was trying
to slide into your DMs.
383
00:17:51,257 --> 00:17:52,884
-I hate being scared. It's scary.
384
00:17:52,967 --> 00:17:53,927
I don't have time for this.
385
00:17:54,010 --> 00:17:55,887
I am running a neighborhood
and its residents,
386
00:17:55,970 --> 00:17:59,057
and Eleanor just casually orders me
to make popcorn rivers
387
00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:02,352
and Brent won't stop calling me for stuff.
388
00:18:02,435 --> 00:18:03,770
Ugh!
389
00:18:03,853 --> 00:18:05,563
Are we still boyfriend/not-a-girlfriend?
390
00:18:05,647 --> 00:18:07,023
We'll talk about it later.
391
00:18:07,107 --> 00:18:09,651
Okay. Executive decision.
Forget about Simone.
392
00:18:09,734 --> 00:18:12,612
Janet, make sure she doesn't come
in contact with the other humans.
393
00:18:12,695 --> 00:18:13,655
Let's focus on Linda.
394
00:18:13,738 --> 00:18:16,741
We ought to be able to figure her out.
We can just liven her up a bit.
395
00:18:16,825 --> 00:18:19,702
We'll just sprinkle some cocaine
on her peppermints or something.
396
00:18:19,786 --> 00:18:21,996
Does anyone else find it suspicious
397
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,041
that the Bad Place
sent someone so... dull?
398
00:18:25,125 --> 00:18:26,751
No, it makes perfect sense to me.
399
00:18:26,835 --> 00:18:28,753
They are trying to drive us insane
400
00:18:28,837 --> 00:18:31,673
by giving us
a big, boring glob of plain yogurt.
401
00:18:31,756 --> 00:18:34,342
Tomorrow morning,
we start Operation Linda.
402
00:18:34,425 --> 00:18:36,136
Okay, you heard the lady.
403
00:18:36,219 --> 00:18:38,304
We'll meet in the town square
bright and early.
404
00:18:38,388 --> 00:18:39,556
Janet, set up for Flying Day.
405
00:18:40,181 --> 00:18:41,057
Cool.
406
00:18:41,141 --> 00:18:43,226
I'm not busy or anything,
so that'll be easy.
407
00:18:44,310 --> 00:18:45,228
Off you go!
408
00:18:45,770 --> 00:18:48,148
Whoo-hoo!
409
00:18:48,773 --> 00:18:51,985
Linda. How are you
enjoying the Good Place?
410
00:18:52,068 --> 00:18:53,236
It's good.
411
00:18:54,821 --> 00:18:56,156
Everyone's flying.
412
00:18:56,239 --> 00:18:58,283
You don't want to go flying any higher?
413
00:18:58,366 --> 00:18:59,534
No, thanks.
414
00:19:00,493 --> 00:19:01,494
Well, okay.
415
00:19:01,578 --> 00:19:03,621
It says in your file
that you liked knitting.
416
00:19:03,705 --> 00:19:05,748
Would you like to do
some knitting right now?
417
00:19:05,832 --> 00:19:06,875
No, thanks.
418
00:19:06,958 --> 00:19:09,502
Is there another activity
you'd like to do now?
419
00:19:10,128 --> 00:19:13,423
You also enjoyed... listening to birds?
420
00:19:14,048 --> 00:19:15,175
Man, Linda.
421
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,177
You don't even look at them?
422
00:19:17,802 --> 00:19:20,388
Let's go hear some birds. What do you say?
423
00:19:20,471 --> 00:19:22,140
I'm gonna go get another peppermint.
424
00:19:22,223 --> 00:19:23,433
-No--
-Come on, Linds.
425
00:19:23,516 --> 00:19:26,519
You can have literally anything
that you could poss--
426
00:19:27,437 --> 00:19:28,354
What the--
427
00:19:39,199 --> 00:19:41,242
Okay. So...
428
00:19:41,326 --> 00:19:43,578
-Maybe she's less boring than I thought.
429
00:19:46,789 --> 00:19:48,416
So, let me get this straight, Shawn.
430
00:19:48,499 --> 00:19:52,253
You sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?
431
00:19:52,337 --> 00:19:54,339
Yes, he did, Your Honor.
432
00:20:00,053 --> 00:20:03,014
Luckily, none of the other test subjects
saw the mess he made.
433
00:20:03,097 --> 00:20:07,227
But he put the experiment at risk
and he attacked me and Eleanor.
434
00:20:07,310 --> 00:20:09,479
And, I'm sorry, where's your shirt?
435
00:20:10,104 --> 00:20:11,731
I think it got stuck in the skin suit.
436
00:20:11,814 --> 00:20:13,274
Well, keep it there.
437
00:20:13,358 --> 00:20:16,110
Damn it, Chris. You were supposed
to slowly undermine them
438
00:20:16,194 --> 00:20:18,363
and gradually sabotage the experiment,
439
00:20:18,446 --> 00:20:20,657
not just go ham on day two,
you fart plume.
440
00:20:20,740 --> 00:20:22,617
I told you, I'm not an actor.
441
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:24,661
And when you get back here,
you won't be anything.
442
00:20:24,744 --> 00:20:27,747
Okay, fine, yes, busted. I'm a rascal.
443
00:20:27,830 --> 00:20:30,041
We'll come pick him up
and replace him with an actual human.
444
00:20:30,124 --> 00:20:33,211
You will do nothing of the sort, mon ami.
445
00:20:33,294 --> 00:20:35,588
This outrageous act must be punished.
446
00:20:36,172 --> 00:20:38,758
Chidi will be the fourth subject
in this experiment.
447
00:20:38,841 --> 00:20:40,301
No, no, no, no, no.
448
00:20:40,385 --> 00:20:42,553
He's perfect because he's already
had his memories erased.
449
00:20:42,637 --> 00:20:45,598
Although you can't erase that booty.
Know what I'm sayin', blondie?
450
00:20:45,682 --> 00:20:48,101
All due respect, Your Honor,
keep it in your robe.
451
00:20:48,184 --> 00:20:51,396
What she means is,
"Thank you, Your Honor, we accept."
452
00:20:51,479 --> 00:20:52,981
Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.
453
00:20:53,064 --> 00:20:54,816
Chidi can't be part of the experiment.
454
00:20:54,899 --> 00:20:56,192
They already know that he can improve.
455
00:20:56,276 --> 00:20:59,070
That's like studying for a test
then acing the test.
456
00:20:59,153 --> 00:21:01,239
-It's cheating.
-How is that cheating?
457
00:21:01,322 --> 00:21:04,325
You're just falsely accusing us
of what you actually did.
458
00:21:04,409 --> 00:21:05,618
No, that's what you're doing.
459
00:21:05,702 --> 00:21:07,412
Shawn, I don't have time for this.
460
00:21:07,495 --> 00:21:09,706
I just started Deadwood, finally,
461
00:21:09,789 --> 00:21:12,959
and I need my daily dose
of Timothy Olyphant,
462
00:21:13,042 --> 00:21:14,627
so I'm gonna make this short.
463
00:21:14,711 --> 00:21:18,881
If you so much as breathe
on this experiment again,
464
00:21:18,965 --> 00:21:22,427
I will restart the entire thing
from scratch,
465
00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:26,180
and then I will personally
rip off your eyelids
466
00:21:26,264 --> 00:21:31,060
and make you watch heartwarming videos
of soldiers coming home to their dogs.
467
00:21:32,395 --> 00:21:34,022
Whoa! Slow down.
468
00:21:37,984 --> 00:21:40,361
Did you put those trash cans
there just so you could crash into them?
469
00:21:40,445 --> 00:21:42,947
That wasn't my fault. I was texting.
470
00:21:43,031 --> 00:21:44,407
Okay, let him go, dung buckets.
471
00:21:44,490 --> 00:21:45,867
Nice try.
472
00:21:45,950 --> 00:21:48,828
We'll put him on the train
and handcuff him to a bench.
473
00:21:48,911 --> 00:21:49,996
Come on.
474
00:21:50,079 --> 00:21:53,082
Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you
not to cheat again.
475
00:21:53,875 --> 00:21:55,668
Surprised you figured out
that Linda was a fake,
476
00:21:55,752 --> 00:21:58,671
because we all thought
you were too stupid.
477
00:21:58,755 --> 00:22:01,507
Well, it was actually Tahani
who got suspicious.
478
00:22:01,591 --> 00:22:03,217
Oh!
479
00:22:03,301 --> 00:22:05,094
That is so embarrassing for you.
480
00:22:05,178 --> 00:22:08,556
Seems like you're royally forking this up
just like we knew you would.
481
00:22:08,639 --> 00:22:10,141
-Okay.
482
00:22:10,224 --> 00:22:11,225
Take off.
483
00:22:11,309 --> 00:22:12,852
And give Shawn a message for me.
484
00:22:12,935 --> 00:22:15,229
Tell him that we said, "Booyah!"
485
00:22:16,397 --> 00:22:18,941
Make sure you do the hand motion,
like, "Booyah!"
486
00:22:19,025 --> 00:22:20,777
-Are you listening to me?
-Okay, Michael--
487
00:22:20,860 --> 00:22:22,236
-No, show me how you're gonna do it.
-That's fine.
488
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,781
No, it's important
that she does the hand thing
489
00:22:24,864 --> 00:22:26,741
because it really drives the point home.