1
00:00:01,065 --> 00:00:05,861
THE JUDGE: So, Michael, you're saying there's
a new angle I should consider in this case?

2
00:00:05,903 --> 00:00:08,280
Love that. Major drama.

3
00:00:08,322 --> 00:00:10,616
SHE CHUCKLES
Spill the tea, sweetheart.

4
00:00:10,699 --> 00:00:14,828
The premise of our system is that a person's
score during her time on Earth

5
00:00:15,246 --> 00:00:17,498
is final and inarguable.

6
00:00:17,665 --> 00:00:20,668
But because of my accidental experiment

7
00:00:20,751 --> 00:00:24,755
these four humans got better
after they died -

8
00:00:25,297 --> 00:00:26,882
that's not supposed to be possible.

9
00:00:27,216 --> 00:00:30,970
Over and over again, I watched as they became
thoughtful and generous and...

10
00:00:31,011 --> 00:00:33,472
and caring, and... and think about
where they started.

11
00:00:33,639 --> 00:00:34,765
Uh, Jason?

12
00:00:34,807 --> 00:00:38,811
Growing up in Jacksonville, what did you do
for fun after school, every day?

13
00:00:38,852 --> 00:00:42,022
Me and my friends whipped empty
spray paint cans at flamingos.

14
00:00:42,565 --> 00:00:44,441
And now he's so much better.

15
00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:45,818
I was already pretty good.

16
00:00:45,859 --> 00:00:48,195
When I was six, I hit one right on the butt.

17
00:00:48,362 --> 00:00:50,239
OK, let the immortal beings talk, darling.

18
00:00:50,281 --> 00:00:52,157
So, they got better in your little
pretend world.

19
00:00:52,199 --> 00:00:55,119
That doesn't prove anything
about what they were like on Earth.

20
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,663
No, see, I think it does prove something.

21
00:00:58,330 --> 00:01:02,459
If I'm right, the system
by which we judge humans

22
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:06,672
the very method we use to deem them
good or bad

23
00:01:07,256 --> 00:01:12,928
is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable
that hundreds of millions of people

24
00:01:12,970 --> 00:01:16,974
have been wrongly condemned
to an eternity of torture.

25
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:21,061
Damn! That was intense!

26
00:01:21,437 --> 00:01:24,106
Look at my arm, y'all!
Look, I got goosebumps.

27
00:01:24,982 --> 00:01:25,983
MICHAEL:
Huh, yeah.

28
00:01:26,025 --> 00:01:27,484
Doesn't happen very often.

29
00:01:34,283 --> 00:01:36,785
Wow. So, you saw your parents in the test?

30
00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:38,078
Yes.

31
00:01:38,287 --> 00:01:41,040
And I immediately fell right back
into my old pattern.

32
00:01:41,206 --> 00:01:44,793
Desperately trying to impress them
and earn their admiration.

33
00:01:45,127 --> 00:01:47,546
But then I heard this little voice
in my head saying

34
00:01:47,921 --> 00:01:50,257
WITH RECEIVED PRONUNCIATION:
"Tahani. Don't do this."

35
00:01:50,299 --> 00:01:53,344
The little voice in your head sounds like the
old lady from Downton Abbey?

36
00:01:53,385 --> 00:01:54,678
Oh, yes, sorry.

37
00:01:54,845 --> 00:01:56,347
Maggie Smith is my Godmother.

38
00:01:56,972 --> 00:01:59,266
Anyway, I took a deep breath.

39
00:01:59,308 --> 00:02:02,519
Told them I ate a Cheeto and walked away.

40
00:02:02,811 --> 00:02:03,812
Man!

41
00:02:04,229 --> 00:02:06,315
You have made so much progress.

42
00:02:07,107 --> 00:02:08,442
I'm proud of you, hot stuff.

43
00:02:09,526 --> 00:02:11,987
Whatever progress I have made

44
00:02:12,738 --> 00:02:14,782
it's because you and I have become mates.

45
00:02:15,908 --> 00:02:17,868
That's British for "friends."
- No, I know.

46
00:02:22,706 --> 00:02:25,125
Ooh, how are your shoulders so comfy?

47
00:02:25,167 --> 00:02:28,671
Well, I was voted "best shoulders"
by British Vogue four years in a row.

48
00:02:29,046 --> 00:02:30,839
I get it. You're perfect.

49
00:02:30,923 --> 00:02:32,591
TAHANI CHUCKLES
Eleanor... I'm kidding.

50
00:02:33,050 --> 00:02:35,135
I was just taking the piss out of myself.

51
00:02:36,095 --> 00:02:37,638
It was only two years.

52
00:02:38,013 --> 00:02:40,307
Just doubled it... for humour.

53
00:02:41,558 --> 00:02:42,434
OK.

54
00:02:43,310 --> 00:02:46,313
JASON: Man, think about everything
that's happened to us.

55
00:02:46,355 --> 00:02:49,775
We died, Michael tortured us,
we teamed up with him...

56
00:02:49,983 --> 00:02:51,735
we escaped, we went through the portal

57
00:02:51,777 --> 00:02:54,071
the Judge ruled against us,
then Michael showed up.

58
00:02:54,488 --> 00:02:58,075
This has been one of the craziest years
of my life.

59
00:02:58,242 --> 00:02:59,118
"One of"?

60
00:02:59,743 --> 00:03:04,748
Yeah. I'm not sure what I would do
if one more insane thing happened.

61
00:03:04,790 --> 00:03:05,833
JANET CHIMES
Hi, Jason.

62
00:03:05,874 --> 00:03:06,750
I love you.

63
00:03:07,209 --> 00:03:08,669
Oh, word?

64
00:03:08,961 --> 00:03:09,837
Word.

65
00:03:10,129 --> 00:03:11,547
I've been avoiding telling you.

66
00:03:11,588 --> 00:03:15,342
My excuse was that I needed time
to evaluate my complex feelings

67
00:03:15,384 --> 00:03:17,136
but that was just a rationalisation.

68
00:03:17,761 --> 00:03:20,639
Hey, I guess I learned how to
rationalise too.

69
00:03:20,681 --> 00:03:21,557
That's neat.

70
00:03:22,474 --> 00:03:26,228
This might be the last time I ever
get to talk to you, so there it is.

71
00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:27,146
I love you.

72
00:03:27,187 --> 00:03:29,690
And I hereby stop avoiding this topic

73
00:03:29,857 --> 00:03:32,985
and rationalizing it by saying the situation
is complicated.

74
00:03:33,402 --> 00:03:37,990
Or that my brain is grinding like a fork
in a garbage disposal.

75
00:03:38,198 --> 00:03:39,074
Alright.

76
00:03:39,324 --> 00:03:41,869
Whatever.
You're not really a part of this, Chidi.

77
00:03:42,745 --> 00:03:43,620
JASON:
Hey.

78
00:03:43,787 --> 00:03:44,788
Guess what?

79
00:03:45,038 --> 00:03:47,082
I think I love you too, girl.

80
00:03:47,249 --> 00:03:48,208
I'm not a girl.

81
00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:51,503
I'm also not just a "Janet" anymore.
I don't know what I am.

82
00:03:55,048 --> 00:03:56,425
Hey, man. What's up?

83
00:04:06,351 --> 00:04:07,895
Hot diggity dog!

84
00:04:08,854 --> 00:04:09,980
Oh, no!

85
00:04:10,355 --> 00:04:13,650
Now the thing I said right after we kissed
will always be, "Hot diggity dog!"

86
00:04:13,692 --> 00:04:14,902
CHIDI CHUCKLES
- Whatever.

87
00:04:14,943 --> 00:04:16,695
It was an honest reaction. I stand by it.

88
00:04:16,945 --> 00:04:19,198
Hi, guys, couple quick announcements.

89
00:04:19,281 --> 00:04:21,366
Would anyone eat chips and guac
if I put it out?

90
00:04:21,408 --> 00:04:23,118
It's good. It's homemade.

91
00:04:23,285 --> 00:04:24,161
No takers?

92
00:04:24,203 --> 00:04:27,581
Alright - second thing, we figured out a plan
to save your souls.

93
00:04:27,831 --> 00:04:32,544
For the time being, the Judge
is gonna put you in your own Medium Places

94
00:04:32,586 --> 00:04:33,670
like Mindy St Claire.

95
00:04:33,754 --> 00:04:37,216
And while you're there,
I'll keep working every angle I can think of

96
00:04:37,257 --> 00:04:39,551
to get you guys into the Good Place for real.

97
00:04:39,676 --> 00:04:41,345
This is great. So, we'd all be together?

98
00:04:41,804 --> 00:04:43,847
Oh, no, that's the thing about Medium Places.

99
00:04:43,889 --> 00:04:46,850
It has to be tailored to what's medium
for the individuals

100
00:04:46,892 --> 00:04:49,520
so if you're all together, it ain't medium.

101
00:04:50,103 --> 00:04:51,730
How much time will we be alone?

102
00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:54,691
Hard to say. Uh, could be a month.

103
00:04:54,733 --> 00:04:56,485
Could be... a million years.

104
00:04:56,527 --> 00:04:58,946
So, between a month and a million years.
Some...

105
00:04:58,987 --> 00:04:59,905
Yeah.
- Give or take.

106
00:04:59,947 --> 00:05:01,782
Somewhere in there.
Come on, you guys.

107
00:05:01,824 --> 00:05:06,411
I know this isn't perfect but I need more
time to build my case, and it's either this

108
00:05:06,578 --> 00:05:08,664
or back to the Bad Place.
- Yeah.

109
00:05:09,790 --> 00:05:10,666
I'll say it.

110
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:12,709
Both those options suck.

111
00:05:12,876 --> 00:05:15,254
OK, I'm sorry if that's blunt, Your Honour,
but it's true.

112
00:05:15,504 --> 00:05:18,090
Also, Chidi just laid one on me,
so I'm kinda dizzy.

113
00:05:18,173 --> 00:05:19,383
You two kissed?

114
00:05:20,092 --> 00:05:21,385
Hot diggity dog!

115
00:05:21,552 --> 00:05:22,511
That's what I said!

116
00:05:22,886 --> 00:05:25,305
The point is, we've all gotten better.

117
00:05:25,347 --> 00:05:28,016
Why should we have to go live alone
in a boring void

118
00:05:28,058 --> 00:05:31,144
because of a messed-up system?
How is that justice?

119
00:05:31,186 --> 00:05:34,773
OK, slow your roll there, Erin Brockovich.

120
00:05:34,815 --> 00:05:40,112
First of all, y'all didn't get good enough
to pass the tests I just gave you.

121
00:05:40,445 --> 00:05:43,740
Second, I still believe that the only reason
that you improved

122
00:05:43,782 --> 00:05:45,367
in Michael's fake Neighbourhood

123
00:05:45,409 --> 00:05:49,788
is because you thought there was a reward
at the end of the rainbow.

124
00:05:49,997 --> 00:05:52,916
You're supposed to do good things
because you're good

125
00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,919
not because you're seeking moral dessert.

126
00:05:56,044 --> 00:05:59,423
And I still believe that they would've
become good people

127
00:05:59,464 --> 00:06:01,174
if they'd just gotten a...

128
00:06:04,636 --> 00:06:07,973
a push in the right direction.

129
00:06:09,766 --> 00:06:10,893
Oh, no!

130
00:06:10,934 --> 00:06:13,061
Nope. Nope. Absolutely not.

131
00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:16,481
It's a little crazy.
- A little bit crazy? It's Looney Tunes.

132
00:06:16,523 --> 00:06:18,150
What are they talking about?
- No idea.

133
00:06:18,191 --> 00:06:21,320
It sets a very dangerous precedent.
- It's only four people.

134
00:06:21,361 --> 00:06:23,322
SHE SCOFFS
- And it's clearly the best way

135
00:06:23,363 --> 00:06:26,658
to see if bad people can become good
without knowing anything about

136
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,243
what's waiting for them in the afterlife.

137
00:06:28,285 --> 00:06:29,202
JASON:
Shotgun!

138
00:06:29,244 --> 00:06:31,747
Whatever they're talking about,
if there's a shotgun, I call shotgun.

139
00:06:31,788 --> 00:06:33,081
It's never gonna work, man.

140
00:06:33,123 --> 00:06:35,125
If it doesn't, then they go right back
to the Bad Place.

141
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:36,418
No one gets hurt

142
00:06:36,710 --> 00:06:38,003
except them. Forever.

143
00:06:38,045 --> 00:06:41,131
And me, I assume, also... forever.

144
00:06:43,091 --> 00:06:44,092
Mmmm...

145
00:06:44,134 --> 00:06:45,093
ughhhhh...

146
00:06:45,135 --> 00:06:47,054
eeeuuuoww...

147
00:06:47,095 --> 00:06:48,221
OK, let's do it.

148
00:06:48,263 --> 00:06:49,139
Yes!

149
00:06:49,765 --> 00:06:51,767
I don't know why,
I'm just feeling kinda funky.

150
00:06:51,808 --> 00:06:55,562
But there have to be strict rules,
otherwise the results will be tainted

151
00:06:55,604 --> 00:06:59,942
and I reserve the right to change my mind
at any point.

152
00:06:59,983 --> 00:07:02,194
About what? Would someone who's not
an eternal being

153
00:07:02,235 --> 00:07:04,321
please explain to me what the f...

154
00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:06,740
WHOOSH

155
00:07:06,907 --> 00:07:08,241
MAN:
Why are you like this?

156
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:10,786
Excuse me? "Why am I like this?"

157
00:07:11,119 --> 00:07:12,412
You don't know me, dude.

158
00:07:12,454 --> 00:07:13,789
You don't know what I'm like.

159
00:07:14,373 --> 00:07:16,083
Look what you made me do, jagoff.

160
00:07:16,333 --> 00:07:17,334
Ugh...

161
00:07:17,709 --> 00:07:19,211
MAN SHOUTS: Look out!
- Uh-oh.

162
00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:21,713
SHE GASPS

163
00:07:33,809 --> 00:07:34,685
Holy crap.

164
00:07:35,894 --> 00:07:36,979
I just almost died.

165
00:07:39,064 --> 00:07:40,482
TV:
<i>She needs to know what was said.</i>

166
00:07:40,524 --> 00:07:43,902
<i>That was so unfair.
- First of all, this was just yesterday.</i>

167
00:07:43,944 --> 00:07:46,279
God, Eleanor. Take longer next time.

168
00:07:46,321 --> 00:07:47,823
Oh, you look like crap.

169
00:07:48,907 --> 00:07:53,203
I was outside the supermarket arguing
with that little environmental twerp.

170
00:07:53,245 --> 00:07:54,871
Ugh, I hate that guy.

171
00:07:54,913 --> 00:07:57,791
Really? That skinny little hippie body
kinda turns me on.

172
00:07:57,833 --> 00:07:58,750
Gross.

173
00:07:58,792 --> 00:08:03,380
Guys, listen! I dropped the margarita mix
and when I went to pick it up

174
00:08:04,131 --> 00:08:07,342
a bunch of shopping carts came right at me,
and I was just frozen.

175
00:08:07,592 --> 00:08:10,012
And then someone pushed me out of the way

176
00:08:10,053 --> 00:08:14,141
and the carts got, like, demolished
by a truck.

177
00:08:15,225 --> 00:08:16,601
I mean, I could've died.

178
00:08:16,727 --> 00:08:18,061
Oh, my God.
- Whoa.

179
00:08:18,437 --> 00:08:19,604
That's crazy.

180
00:08:21,189 --> 00:08:23,066
So, is the margarita mix, like, gone?

181
00:08:23,358 --> 00:08:26,778
I had a near-death experience recently.
You know that old warehouse that burned down

182
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:28,530
last month and like, four people died?

183
00:08:28,822 --> 00:08:31,992
That building is, like, right by
my old dentist.

184
00:08:32,242 --> 00:08:35,328
If I still went to that dentist,
and I had an appointment that day

185
00:08:35,787 --> 00:08:38,665
I would've been, like... right near there.

186
00:08:38,707 --> 00:08:41,626
I was in Syracuse, New York

187
00:08:42,002 --> 00:08:45,047
like, two weeks before 9/11.

188
00:08:45,255 --> 00:08:46,548
No way!
- Yeah.

189
00:08:46,590 --> 00:08:47,632
Fourteen days.

190
00:08:47,674 --> 00:08:49,885
I can't believe we all almost died.
- I know!

191
00:08:49,926 --> 00:08:52,137
I'm like...
- INDISTINCT CHATTER

192
00:08:56,933 --> 00:08:58,685
VO:
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

193
00:08:58,727 --> 00:09:00,937
And I think I might be a monster.

194
00:09:01,438 --> 00:09:03,356
I'm rude. I'm selfish.

195
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,276
I cyber-bullied Ryan Lochte
until he quit Instagram.

196
00:09:06,943 --> 00:09:08,528
But something happened to me today

197
00:09:08,570 --> 00:09:14,326
and from now on I'm gonna try to become
a better, kinder, more generous person.

198
00:09:17,329 --> 00:09:18,663
Hey! Can I use your credit card?

199
00:09:19,498 --> 00:09:21,249
You know what? Yes, you can.

200
00:09:21,291 --> 00:09:22,375
Cool. It's for porn.

201
00:09:22,417 --> 00:09:23,293
I already used it.

202
00:09:34,096 --> 00:09:34,971
Hey.

203
00:09:35,263 --> 00:09:36,223
You look happy.

204
00:09:36,306 --> 00:09:37,349
Did you get laid last night?

205
00:09:37,516 --> 00:09:38,391
I didn't.

206
00:09:38,517 --> 00:09:39,810
Tried. Hard.

207
00:09:40,227 --> 00:09:42,562
With this chick that I met
after I followed her into a yoga class

208
00:09:42,604 --> 00:09:44,022
but she wasn't into it.

209
00:09:44,231 --> 00:09:45,857
Maced me - right in the eyes.

210
00:09:46,274 --> 00:09:47,359
Stung like hell.

211
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:48,860
What was I saying?

212
00:09:49,361 --> 00:09:50,487
Oh, yeah. Hey.

213
00:09:50,654 --> 00:09:51,655
Listen, dude.

214
00:09:51,696 --> 00:09:52,864
What you're doing here

215
00:09:53,073 --> 00:09:55,408
selling fake medicine to people,
tricking them...

216
00:09:56,201 --> 00:09:57,077
is wrong.

217
00:09:58,203 --> 00:09:59,454
Yeah. And?

218
00:09:59,496 --> 00:10:02,499
I can't be a part of it anymore.
I'm trying to become a better person...

219
00:10:02,541 --> 00:10:03,834
HE SIGHS
- and as long as I work here...

220
00:10:03,875 --> 00:10:05,544
Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, you quit.

221
00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:07,295
Who cares? Give me your company ID.

222
00:10:08,713 --> 00:10:09,589
Thank you.

223
00:10:09,631 --> 00:10:10,799
And your parking pass.

224
00:10:11,633 --> 00:10:13,009
And your panties, please.

225
00:10:13,051 --> 00:10:14,344
Dude!
- What? Come on.

226
00:10:14,386 --> 00:10:15,262
I had to try.

227
00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:17,764
By the way, technically
that is not sexual harassment

228
00:10:17,806 --> 00:10:20,642
because she doesn't work here anymore.
- You're wearing a wire?

229
00:10:20,684 --> 00:10:22,727
Yeah. Company's being investigated for fraud

230
00:10:22,769 --> 00:10:24,646
so I'm helping the feds bring everyone down.

231
00:10:24,855 --> 00:10:25,981
Good timing on your part.

232
00:10:26,273 --> 00:10:27,482
Thank you?
- No.

233
00:10:27,524 --> 00:10:28,608
Thank <i>you...</i>

234
00:10:28,817 --> 00:10:30,485
for wearing open-toed shoes today.

235
00:10:30,902 --> 00:10:32,445
Wow.
- Dude. Get help.

236
00:10:32,654 --> 00:10:35,073
I'm becoming a better person.
You should too.

237
00:10:35,574 --> 00:10:36,783
Hey, Eleanor!

238
00:10:36,825 --> 00:10:38,827
Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower?

239
00:10:38,869 --> 00:10:40,203
Do you wanna chew on my ass...

240
00:10:40,245 --> 00:10:41,621
...sss...

241
00:10:41,663 --> 00:10:43,081
...sortment of brownies

242
00:10:43,123 --> 00:10:45,625
that I will be bringing to Lauren's
baby shower?

243
00:10:46,001 --> 00:10:46,877
Sure.

244
00:10:48,170 --> 00:10:49,838
Hi, there. Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?

245
00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:51,756
Hey. Remember me?

246
00:10:51,798 --> 00:10:52,757
Ah! Don't hurt me!

247
00:10:52,799 --> 00:10:54,384
My bones are brittle.
I have a calcium deficiency.

248
00:10:54,426 --> 00:10:55,969
No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man.

249
00:10:56,178 --> 00:10:57,762
I came to apologise.

250
00:10:59,139 --> 00:11:00,015
There, I did it.

251
00:11:00,056 --> 00:11:00,974
I apologised.

252
00:11:01,474 --> 00:11:03,393
No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did, assface!

253
00:11:03,643 --> 00:11:05,770
Mm... nope. You're right. I didn't.

254
00:11:06,521 --> 00:11:11,067
I apologise for being mean to you,
like a thousand times.

255
00:11:11,109 --> 00:11:13,570
There's really no excuse.

256
00:11:14,321 --> 00:11:15,322
Thanks.

257
00:11:16,198 --> 00:11:17,115
Apology accepted.

258
00:11:17,157 --> 00:11:18,158
OK.

259
00:11:18,992 --> 00:11:20,744
Uh, what's happening? I'm scared.

260
00:11:20,785 --> 00:11:23,580
Hey, I'm on kind of, like,
a self-improvement kick.

261
00:11:23,622 --> 00:11:27,709
Do you think you could help me out?
Teach me to get all horny for the environment

262
00:11:27,751 --> 00:11:28,627
or whatever?

263
00:11:29,669 --> 00:11:31,546
Hey, everyone. This is Eleanor.

264
00:11:31,671 --> 00:11:33,048
She's joining the team.

265
00:11:33,089 --> 00:11:34,799
APPLAUSE
- Hi.

266
00:11:34,841 --> 00:11:36,927
Welcome.
- Nice to meet you. Hi.

267
00:11:41,806 --> 00:11:43,475
Alright, Eleanor!

268
00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:45,435
SHE GASPS

269
00:11:47,354 --> 00:11:49,522
MUSIC: "Maybe" by The Submarines

270
00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:55,654
♪ There is a sign among the remnants ♪

271
00:11:56,029 --> 00:12:01,326
♪ Of all our words, best left unsaid ♪

272
00:12:01,368 --> 00:12:06,039
♪ And when the truth flies in our direction ♪

273
00:12:06,081 --> 00:12:07,999
♪ Do we work it through ♪

274
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:10,961
♪ Or lose our heads ♪

275
00:12:11,795 --> 00:12:14,881
♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe ♪

276
00:12:14,923 --> 00:12:16,800
♪ We're strong ♪

277
00:12:16,841 --> 00:12:21,638
♪ But maybe, maybe, maybe we're wrong. ♪

278
00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:27,060
Mm. Babes, get in on these nachos,
they're delish.

279
00:12:27,102 --> 00:12:29,104
Mm-hm.
- I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.

280
00:12:29,145 --> 00:12:30,563
Ew! Why?

281
00:12:30,772 --> 00:12:32,983
Is it because you feel bad
for all the widdle animals

282
00:12:33,024 --> 00:12:34,276
with their cute widdle faces

283
00:12:34,317 --> 00:12:37,070
because people stuff them into tiny cages
just so that we can eat them?

284
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,531
Yeah. That's exactly why, actually.

285
00:12:39,572 --> 00:12:42,200
Also, it's the easiest way to lower
your carbon foot print

286
00:12:42,242 --> 00:12:43,994
not eating meat.
- What?

287
00:12:44,327 --> 00:12:46,121
SHE LAUGHS
- OK, guys, um...

288
00:12:46,246 --> 00:12:47,622
Can I say something for a second?

289
00:12:47,872 --> 00:12:49,791
I love you.
- Aw!

290
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,544
I do. I mean, I went through a really
rough time last year

291
00:12:52,585 --> 00:12:55,380
with the whole "Dress Bitch" thing and people
selling t-shirts with my face on them

292
00:12:55,422 --> 00:12:57,507
but you two stuck by me.

293
00:12:58,258 --> 00:13:00,176
I love you, you dumb sluts!
- Aaaah!

294
00:13:00,218 --> 00:13:01,720
Come on!
- THEY GIGGLE

295
00:13:01,761 --> 00:13:03,805
OK, there's probably something
we should tell you.

296
00:13:03,847 --> 00:13:07,225
Or not. We could also not.

297
00:13:07,267 --> 00:13:09,644
We have to. It's the right thing to do.

298
00:13:12,063 --> 00:13:14,441
I tore your dress. And then I lied about it.

299
00:13:14,774 --> 00:13:18,153
And then Brittany and I were the ones
who made and sold the t-shirts.

300
00:13:18,194 --> 00:13:20,155
But... we did not keep the money.

301
00:13:20,196 --> 00:13:22,115
Yes, we did. We kept all the money.

302
00:13:22,741 --> 00:13:24,200
And I'm really sorry.

303
00:13:25,410 --> 00:13:26,286
OK.

304
00:13:27,078 --> 00:13:30,874
That took a lot of courage for you
to admit that.

305
00:13:30,915 --> 00:13:34,252
Mm-hm.
- And I admire your honesty.

306
00:13:35,045 --> 00:13:36,838
You stupid skank!

307
00:13:37,130 --> 00:13:38,882
How could you do that to me?

308
00:13:38,923 --> 00:13:41,176
I hate you! You're both disgusting hogs

309
00:13:41,217 --> 00:13:43,970
and I want you to move out
of my apartment, forever!

310
00:13:44,012 --> 00:13:45,847
Literally starting right now!

311
00:13:48,683 --> 00:13:50,352
I'm still really glad we told the truth.

312
00:13:50,769 --> 00:13:52,437
Cooooool.

313
00:13:52,771 --> 00:13:53,646
Mm.

314
00:13:54,022 --> 00:13:58,068
OK, steamed vegetable medley and ice water.

315
00:13:58,109 --> 00:13:59,527
Can I just get the check?

316
00:14:00,236 --> 00:14:02,739
And can you throw these plants in the trash?

317
00:14:03,448 --> 00:14:05,325
MUSIC: "Maybe" by The Submarines

318
00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:07,577
♪ For such a long time now ♪

319
00:14:07,786 --> 00:14:13,208
♪ We're doing battle with our own
familiar inhibitions ♪

320
00:14:13,249 --> 00:14:16,586
♪ Far away from home ♪

321
00:14:17,462 --> 00:14:22,967
♪ Our trusty compass fails to find this
strange and new position ♪

322
00:14:23,259 --> 00:14:27,972
♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe we're strong ♪

323
00:14:28,014 --> 00:14:32,519
♪ But maybe, maybe, maybe we're strong ♪

324
00:14:33,061 --> 00:14:36,731
♪ But maybe, maybe, maybe we're wrong. ♪

325
00:14:36,773 --> 00:14:37,649
Damn it!

326
00:14:44,739 --> 00:14:45,824
They're suing you?

327
00:14:45,865 --> 00:14:47,700
This chick is claiming she has whiplash.

328
00:14:47,742 --> 00:14:50,203
She wasn't in the car when I hit it.

329
00:14:50,245 --> 00:14:51,287
This is on you.

330
00:14:51,329 --> 00:14:53,915
You should've pretended like
you didn't see it and walked away.

331
00:14:53,957 --> 00:14:55,750
Like everyone else does.

332
00:14:55,792 --> 00:14:59,170
I know! I've hit your car like six times
and never said anything.

333
00:14:59,212 --> 00:15:01,131
But I'm trying to be good.

334
00:15:01,339 --> 00:15:03,216
SHE LAUGHS

335
00:15:03,258 --> 00:15:05,468
How's that working out for you?

336
00:15:06,010 --> 00:15:07,720
BRITTANY LAUGHS

337
00:15:14,477 --> 00:15:15,770
KNOCK ON DOOR

338
00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:16,896
It's open, dummy!

339
00:15:18,940 --> 00:15:20,442
Eleanor! Where have you been?

340
00:15:20,483 --> 00:15:21,901
Oh, hey, man.

341
00:15:21,943 --> 00:15:25,155
Sorry, it's been a crazy month, you know?

342
00:15:25,196 --> 00:15:27,449
Moving was a hassle,
and I'm in the middle of a lawsuit

343
00:15:27,490 --> 00:15:29,993
and I ate vegetables for the first time

344
00:15:30,034 --> 00:15:31,744
and I got diarrhoea for, like, a week.

345
00:15:31,786 --> 00:15:34,372
Uh... I know we don't pay a lot
but this is a job

346
00:15:34,414 --> 00:15:35,957
and we need to know we can count on you.

347
00:15:35,999 --> 00:15:38,585
We're meeting tonight to discuss long-term
strategy for the organisation.

348
00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:40,211
Dude, dude, dude, dude...
- I really think it would be--

349
00:15:40,253 --> 00:15:43,840
...dude, dude, dude. Oh, sorry to interrupt
whatever boring crap this is

350
00:15:43,882 --> 00:15:45,717
but, dude, you need to get dressed.

351
00:15:45,758 --> 00:15:48,303
I got tickets to Taylor Splift

352
00:15:48,636 --> 00:15:50,346
the Taylor Swift reggae cover band.

353
00:15:50,722 --> 00:15:52,807
They're terrible. It's gonna be amazing!

354
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,311
Yeah, that sounds like more fun.

355
00:15:56,352 --> 00:15:57,687
I'm-a do that.
- Eleanor!

356
00:15:57,729 --> 00:15:59,898
What! What, dude?

357
00:15:59,939 --> 00:16:02,066
I've been nothing but good for, like,
six months

358
00:16:02,108 --> 00:16:04,861
and all I have to show for it
is this crummy apartment

359
00:16:04,903 --> 00:16:07,697
a lawsuit, a loose caboose,
and an overdrawn bank account.

360
00:16:07,739 --> 00:16:10,617
Being good is for suckers.
What do you even get out of it?

361
00:16:11,326 --> 00:16:14,245
A feeling of fulfillment... in your soul.

362
00:16:16,664 --> 00:16:19,584
Gross. That's the grossest sentence
I've ever heard.

363
00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:21,085
OK? I quit.

364
00:16:21,127 --> 00:16:22,962
Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.

365
00:16:24,756 --> 00:16:25,673
Whew!

366
00:16:26,132 --> 00:16:27,300
I still think he's kinda hot.

367
00:16:27,342 --> 00:16:30,261
I guess, in like a sick Victorian boy
kinda way.

368
00:16:30,303 --> 00:16:32,472
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I want to, like, feed him soup.

369
00:16:33,264 --> 00:16:34,933
BOSS:
It is good to have you back.

370
00:16:34,974 --> 00:16:36,601
You are one of the most gifted con-women

371
00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:38,686
I have ever watched sleep through her window.

372
00:16:38,728 --> 00:16:42,690
Thanks, bud. So, tell me about
the new business.

373
00:16:42,732 --> 00:16:44,651
We sell classes at a for-profit university

374
00:16:44,692 --> 00:16:47,237
and the classes train people how to sell
supplements.

375
00:16:47,445 --> 00:16:49,864
So, it's a ponzi scheme
within a ponzi scheme.

376
00:16:49,906 --> 00:16:51,115
That sounds kinda dicey.

377
00:16:51,157 --> 00:16:52,242
Oh, it's super dicey.

378
00:16:52,283 --> 00:16:56,120
But I'm in witness protection so technically
I can't be convicted of any crime.

379
00:16:56,579 --> 00:16:58,623
Well, that's definitely not true,
but I also don't care.

380
00:16:58,665 --> 00:16:59,832
Which one's my desk?

381
00:17:00,124 --> 00:17:01,960
MACHINES CLATTER

382
00:17:02,001 --> 00:17:03,419
HE SIGHS

383
00:17:03,461 --> 00:17:05,463
You realise what the problem is, right?
- Yes.

384
00:17:05,505 --> 00:17:06,673
But there's no way to help.

385
00:17:10,093 --> 00:17:11,469
THEY LAUGH

386
00:17:11,511 --> 00:17:12,971
I'm only giving that guy three stars

387
00:17:13,012 --> 00:17:14,847
cos he didn't let me stick my head out
the moonroof.

388
00:17:14,889 --> 00:17:15,765
Yeah!

389
00:17:15,807 --> 00:17:18,309
PHONE CHIMES
- Dude, my boyfriend just texted.

390
00:17:18,351 --> 00:17:20,478
His wife's out of town,
so I'm gonna head over there.

391
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:21,479
Mwah!

392
00:17:21,521 --> 00:17:24,107
What? That's lame. Boo!

393
00:17:24,148 --> 00:17:25,608
BRITTANY:
Happy birthday!

394
00:17:25,775 --> 00:17:27,151
Hello, bartender.

395
00:17:27,402 --> 00:17:29,153
One alcohol drink, please.

396
00:17:29,237 --> 00:17:31,281
It's my birthday, if you wanna
give it to me for free.

397
00:17:31,322 --> 00:17:32,407
SHE CHUCKLES

398
00:17:32,490 --> 00:17:34,951
I always say that,
but it actually is my birthday.

399
00:17:34,993 --> 00:17:38,413
SHE CHUCKLES
- Last year on my birthday, I almost died

400
00:17:39,247 --> 00:17:44,252
and then I did a bunch of stuff
that was good, but weird

401
00:17:45,044 --> 00:17:47,797
and then I stopped, and now I'm here.

402
00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:51,092
Sounds like you had a pretty crazy year.

403
00:17:51,134 --> 00:17:53,261
Hm.
- Wanna talk about it?

404
00:17:55,763 --> 00:17:58,975
And in the end, Anthony Anderson
and Jerry O'Connell

405
00:17:59,017 --> 00:18:00,810
started a successful shampoo company

406
00:18:00,852 --> 00:18:04,355
and you see the kangaroo
jumping around Australia.

407
00:18:04,397 --> 00:18:05,898
SHE SNORTS AND LAUGHS

408
00:18:06,399 --> 00:18:10,028
That is the plot to the movie
"Kangaroo Jack."

409
00:18:10,612 --> 00:18:11,571
Why'd I tell you that?

410
00:18:11,696 --> 00:18:12,572
It's unclear.

411
00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:15,074
You know, the thing is...

412
00:18:15,116 --> 00:18:17,744
the problem, really, with being a do-gooder?

413
00:18:18,202 --> 00:18:20,413
What's that?
- No one cares.

414
00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:22,749
I mean some people care a little bit.

415
00:18:22,790 --> 00:18:26,210
The twerpy little twerps
from the environmental place, they care

416
00:18:26,252 --> 00:18:29,130
but I was a good person for six months.

417
00:18:29,756 --> 00:18:31,591
That's, like, five years.

418
00:18:31,799 --> 00:18:35,762
And it felt OK but not as good
as I thought it would.

419
00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:37,805
And what did I get for it?

420
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,768
Ah, see? Now you're talking about
moral dessert.

421
00:18:41,809 --> 00:18:42,685
Exactly.

422
00:18:44,312 --> 00:18:45,438
Wait. I am? What?

423
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:51,152
"Moral dessert" is the concept that if you
act with virtue, you deserve a reward.

424
00:18:51,235 --> 00:18:53,696
Right. I did a bunch of good stuff.

425
00:18:53,738 --> 00:18:57,241
I didn't get jack. Not fair, universe!

426
00:18:57,283 --> 00:19:00,203
Alright, even if the universe
did function that way

427
00:19:00,244 --> 00:19:03,748
who's to say that you didn't dig yourself
such a deep hole

428
00:19:03,790 --> 00:19:05,625
over the first 34 years of your life

429
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:10,963
that the six months you spent being good
weren't enough to get you out of that hole?

430
00:19:11,214 --> 00:19:14,217
See, there's a lot of great writing
about this, if you're interested.

431
00:19:14,384 --> 00:19:15,385
SHE SNORTS

432
00:19:15,426 --> 00:19:18,096
Who died and made you in charge
of frickin' every...

433
00:19:18,429 --> 00:19:19,639
knowing everything.

434
00:19:19,722 --> 00:19:21,057
MICHAEL CHUCKLES

435
00:19:21,224 --> 00:19:26,854
Well, you know, I recently got sort of into
ethics and moral philosophy.

436
00:19:28,481 --> 00:19:30,400
You sound like a real live wire.

437
00:19:30,692 --> 00:19:31,567
Whatevs.

438
00:19:31,609 --> 00:19:34,987
The point is,
if I'm not gonna get rewarded somehow

439
00:19:35,029 --> 00:19:38,741
with, like, a tiara
or one of those diagonal award belts.

440
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,243
Sash.
- Sure.

441
00:19:40,284 --> 00:19:42,578
Sash.
- Then why should I do good things?

442
00:19:43,454 --> 00:19:47,500
You know, I had a friend that said whenever
she was doing something bad

443
00:19:47,542 --> 00:19:50,545
she'd hear this... this little voice
in her head.

444
00:19:50,586 --> 00:19:54,257
Distant little voice saying,
"Oh, come on now, you know this is wrong."

445
00:19:54,882 --> 00:19:59,053
And then when she started doing good things,
that voice went away.

446
00:19:59,929 --> 00:20:00,888
It was a relief.

447
00:20:01,389 --> 00:20:06,436
Your friend sounds like
she's one pickle short of a pickle party.

448
00:20:06,477 --> 00:20:07,562
SHE SNORTS

449
00:20:08,271 --> 00:20:09,897
I might have alcohol poisoning.

450
00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:13,025
She was a little rough
around the edges, but...

451
00:20:13,401 --> 00:20:15,069
she was also a really good person.

452
00:20:15,778 --> 00:20:16,696
When she tried.

453
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,116
See, I think that little voice
was her conscience

454
00:20:20,241 --> 00:20:22,744
trying to guide her in the right direction.

455
00:20:24,328 --> 00:20:26,539
I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?

456
00:20:26,664 --> 00:20:28,040
The real question, Eleanor

457
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:31,127
is what do we owe to each other?

458
00:20:32,295 --> 00:20:33,171
What?

459
00:20:33,212 --> 00:20:36,132
Did I sell you a drink? Am I a bartender?

460
00:20:36,257 --> 00:20:37,967
MICHAEL LAUGHS
- Drinks are on me.

461
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:40,136
Good luck.

462
00:20:46,017 --> 00:20:47,226
Ow...

463
00:20:48,811 --> 00:20:50,354
MACHINES CLATTER

464
00:20:52,690 --> 00:20:53,941
Anybody notice I was gone?

465
00:20:53,983 --> 00:20:54,859
Nope.

466
00:20:59,447 --> 00:21:00,823
COMPUTER CHIMES

467
00:21:13,753 --> 00:21:16,380
What do we owe to each other?

468
00:21:16,422 --> 00:21:19,425
That is the question Tim Scanlon asked
decades ago

469
00:21:20,009 --> 00:21:24,138
and it is the question I will try to answer
over the next three hours.

470
00:21:24,305 --> 00:21:25,807
Ugh. No, thanks.

471
00:21:26,265 --> 00:21:27,934
CHIDI:
We all have a voice in our head.

472
00:21:27,975 --> 00:21:31,145
That voice doesn't tell us what to do,
or not do

473
00:21:31,187 --> 00:21:36,526
but it does warn us when we do things
that don't feel good or right.

474
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:38,653
The difference between...
- The term "reasonable."

475
00:21:38,694 --> 00:21:41,781
What does it mean to be a reasonable person?

476
00:21:41,823 --> 00:21:44,367
I may have a different definition
of reasonable...

477
00:21:44,408 --> 00:21:45,409
So, why do it then?

478
00:21:45,451 --> 00:21:47,203
Why choose to be good every day

479
00:21:47,245 --> 00:21:52,458
if there is no guaranteed reward
we can count on, now or in the afterlife?

480
00:21:52,875 --> 00:21:56,587
I argue that we choose to be good
because of our bonds with other people

481
00:21:56,629 --> 00:22:00,383
and our innate desire
to treat them with dignity.

482
00:22:00,633 --> 00:22:03,719
At the intersection of empathy and ethics

483
00:22:04,428 --> 00:22:08,307
is the realisation
that we are not in this alone.

484
00:22:08,850 --> 00:22:09,725
Thank you.

485
00:22:12,311 --> 00:22:13,437
Hey, dog bait.

486
00:22:13,479 --> 00:22:15,106
Didn't you get my message? Let's go!

487
00:22:15,147 --> 00:22:16,399
Time is booze.

488
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,192
Yeah, no thanks. I'm...

489
00:22:19,443 --> 00:22:20,862
going somewhere else.

490
00:22:27,952 --> 00:22:28,953
Hi.
- G'day.

491
00:22:28,995 --> 00:22:31,080
Where you headed?
- Saint John's University, please.

492
00:22:31,122 --> 00:22:31,998
No worries.

493
00:22:36,961 --> 00:22:38,254
Do you wanna talk to God?

494
00:22:38,296 --> 00:22:40,423
What? No. Get away from me, freak.

495
00:22:48,639 --> 00:22:50,391
MACHINES CLATTER

496
00:22:57,607 --> 00:22:58,774
SHE KNOCKS

497
00:23:00,109 --> 00:23:01,569
Hi.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

498
00:23:01,611 --> 00:23:02,653
Office hours are on Tuesday.

499
00:23:02,695 --> 00:23:04,113
Oh, I... I'm not a student.

500
00:23:04,155 --> 00:23:06,657
Are you Chidi Ana... Kendrick?

501
00:23:07,116 --> 00:23:09,035
Anagonye. And yes.

502
00:23:09,076 --> 00:23:12,163
From the long, nerdy video about
the little voice that tells you to be good?

503
00:23:12,204 --> 00:23:14,081
From the Kissac Foundation lecture series

504
00:23:14,123 --> 00:23:16,709
on the practical applications
of ethical theory - yes.

505
00:23:16,751 --> 00:23:17,793
Great. Hi.

506
00:23:17,835 --> 00:23:19,337
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

507
00:23:20,796 --> 00:23:21,714
Can we talk?

508
00:23:21,964 --> 00:23:23,633
MACHINES CLATTER

509
00:23:24,759 --> 00:23:25,635
OK.

510
00:23:26,636 --> 00:23:27,720
Here we go.