1
00:00:04,443 --> 00:00:07,446
Aaaaaah!
2
00:00:14,954 --> 00:00:18,582
That... was... awesome!
3
00:00:18,624 --> 00:00:20,042
I'm going again!
- No!
4
00:00:21,377 --> 00:00:23,712
I think I barfed in the nether-dimension
before we landed.
5
00:00:24,505 --> 00:00:26,507
Is my barf just going
to float out there forever?
6
00:00:26,549 --> 00:00:28,968
Is someone gonna fly through my barf
when they use the portal?
7
00:00:29,009 --> 00:00:30,386
Ugh, stop saying "barf."
8
00:00:30,427 --> 00:00:31,470
And where's Michael?
9
00:00:32,179 --> 00:00:33,055
He's not coming.
10
00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:35,724
He sacrificed himself to save me.
11
00:00:35,766 --> 00:00:38,018
The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him.
12
00:00:38,519 --> 00:00:41,438
Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?
13
00:00:41,814 --> 00:00:42,690
A bad grab.
14
00:00:42,731 --> 00:00:45,776
Like, a nice, bad grab,
or a mean bad grab?
15
00:00:46,235 --> 00:00:48,237
No Michael and no Janet.
16
00:00:48,737 --> 00:00:50,155
Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
17
00:00:51,282 --> 00:00:52,533
Not even a mere "toodle-loo."
18
00:00:55,452 --> 00:00:56,537
We're on our own.
19
00:00:57,288 --> 00:00:58,831
We have to handle this ourselves.
20
00:01:00,916 --> 00:01:03,210
Michael said the portal
would lead us to the Judge
21
00:01:03,794 --> 00:01:04,670
so...
22
00:01:05,588 --> 00:01:07,089
where's the Judge?
23
00:01:07,631 --> 00:01:09,133
All I see is a burrito.
24
00:01:09,883 --> 00:01:11,385
Do you think it's a test?
25
00:01:11,468 --> 00:01:14,179
Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it
26
00:01:14,221 --> 00:01:16,765
or... or we eat it together,
or... or... maybe...
27
00:01:17,182 --> 00:01:19,893
maybe it's a test to see
how long we can go without eating it.
28
00:01:19,935 --> 00:01:22,062
I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it.
29
00:01:24,565 --> 00:01:25,649
Unless...
30
00:01:26,025 --> 00:01:28,277
the burrito is the Judge.
31
00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:30,404
Don't be so bloody ridiculous.
32
00:01:30,446 --> 00:01:32,489
Judges aren't food.
Judges are serious people
33
00:01:32,531 --> 00:01:35,451
who wear long silk nightgowns
and big white powdered wigs.
34
00:01:35,492 --> 00:01:36,368
Eh-eh...
35
00:01:36,744 --> 00:01:37,620
he could be right.
36
00:01:37,828 --> 00:01:38,787
- What?
- Really?
37
00:01:38,829 --> 00:01:39,788
I don't know.
38
00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:42,082
I'm just saying,
we've certainly seen weirder things
39
00:01:42,124 --> 00:01:43,459
than an all-knowing burrito.
40
00:01:44,251 --> 00:01:45,377
We can't take any chances.
41
00:01:46,170 --> 00:01:49,798
Hello, Your Excellency.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
42
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:51,425
We doth seek thine judgment.
43
00:01:51,467 --> 00:01:54,637
We've traveled a long distance
to see you, O great one...
44
00:01:55,888 --> 00:01:57,097
What are you guys looking at?
45
00:01:58,182 --> 00:01:59,058
Hi.
46
00:01:59,099 --> 00:02:01,101
I'm the Judge. That's a burrito.
47
00:02:01,518 --> 00:02:02,895
What's up, guys?
48
00:02:10,152 --> 00:02:12,154
Yeah, I did not think I had a case today.
49
00:02:12,196 --> 00:02:13,739
The paperwork should have shown up by now
50
00:02:13,781 --> 00:02:16,450
unless, you guys just, like, came here?
51
00:02:17,993 --> 00:02:19,620
Wait, did you guys just come here?
52
00:02:21,038 --> 00:02:22,164
Oh, my God.
53
00:02:22,539 --> 00:02:23,791
You guys are bad.
54
00:02:23,832 --> 00:02:25,459
Which one is the worst one of you?
55
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:26,377
Is it you, glasses?
56
00:02:27,169 --> 00:02:28,295
Oh, I bet it's you.
57
00:02:28,337 --> 00:02:31,256
OK, yeah... well,
we did just sort of "show up"
58
00:02:31,298 --> 00:02:33,258
but we had to, we were escaping
the Bad Place.
59
00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,468
Mm-hm.
- Which now that I think about it
60
00:02:34,510 --> 00:02:36,637
there might be some demons following us.
61
00:02:36,679 --> 00:02:39,598
Oh, don't worry about that.
Any time anyone shows up in my chambers
62
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,850
the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling.
63
00:02:41,892 --> 00:02:43,310
So, you guys can relax.
64
00:02:43,352 --> 00:02:44,269
Get comfortable.
65
00:02:46,522 --> 00:02:48,816
A classic St Crispin's Day
Garden Party Frock.
66
00:02:49,191 --> 00:02:50,526
Wait - is it after 4PM?
67
00:02:50,984 --> 00:02:51,860
Not important.
68
00:02:52,194 --> 00:02:53,362
Let's have a look at your files.
69
00:02:54,697 --> 00:02:56,031
Wait, you don't already know
everything about us?
70
00:02:56,073 --> 00:02:57,199
You're not omniscient?
71
00:02:57,241 --> 00:02:59,410
Well, not in the way you mean.
72
00:02:59,993 --> 00:03:02,496
I try to learn as little as I can
about the events of humankind
73
00:03:02,538 --> 00:03:05,040
so I can remain impartial,
cos I'm a judge, yada-yada-yada.
74
00:03:06,125 --> 00:03:08,711
That being said, sometimes I get bored
and I cheat a little bit.
75
00:03:08,752 --> 00:03:11,130
I've been bingeing
Ken Burns' "Vietnam" recently.
76
00:03:11,171 --> 00:03:12,047
It's OK.
77
00:03:12,089 --> 00:03:13,424
I mean, I'm immortal
78
00:03:13,465 --> 00:03:15,926
but that thing is loooong!
79
00:03:15,968 --> 00:03:17,136
You know what I'm saying?
80
00:03:17,636 --> 00:03:19,638
Anyway, your petition is denied,
I can't hear your case.
81
00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:21,181
Please exit to the rear.
82
00:03:22,641 --> 00:03:23,517
What?
83
00:03:23,559 --> 00:03:26,061
I just absorbed the entirety
of your existences
84
00:03:26,103 --> 00:03:30,607
and I just want to say, you guys are so cute.
85
00:03:31,150 --> 00:03:32,192
And the thing is
86
00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:34,153
you didn't file any paperwork,
and you have no advocate
87
00:03:34,194 --> 00:03:36,405
and the rules say I gotta... pbfft!
88
00:03:37,197 --> 00:03:38,073
Send you back.
89
00:03:38,115 --> 00:03:38,991
Your honour.
90
00:03:39,867 --> 00:03:41,160
Please hear our case.
91
00:03:41,201 --> 00:03:43,370
You frankly wouldn't believe
what we have been through
92
00:03:43,412 --> 00:03:44,621
just to be here today.
93
00:03:44,663 --> 00:03:47,916
I mean, I would, because I just learned
everything about you
94
00:03:47,958 --> 00:03:53,046
but keep talking,
I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
95
00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:55,090
We have made so much progress
96
00:03:55,132 --> 00:03:58,260
and all we ask is an audience with you,
to prove it.
97
00:03:58,302 --> 00:04:01,930
Is that not your very purpose?
To weigh in on matters such as ours?
98
00:04:01,972 --> 00:04:04,349
To paraphrase a song written
by my godfather -
99
00:04:04,933 --> 00:04:07,144
"Hey Judge, don't make it bad."
100
00:04:07,811 --> 00:04:10,189
"Take a sad group, and make us better."
101
00:04:11,398 --> 00:04:12,274
Say "aluminum."
102
00:04:12,775 --> 00:04:14,735
"Alu-minnium."
103
00:04:14,777 --> 00:04:15,778
I love that!
104
00:04:16,195 --> 00:04:17,654
And I love your passion.
105
00:04:17,696 --> 00:04:20,491
I mean, it takes a lot of guts
to just show up here unannounced.
106
00:04:20,908 --> 00:04:22,743
Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 30 years
107
00:04:22,785 --> 00:04:24,828
and I'm super bored.
108
00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:27,372
So, it's either this or start "Bloodline"
109
00:04:27,414 --> 00:04:28,332
and I don't know
110
00:04:28,373 --> 00:04:31,376
I just don't feel like I can see
Kyle Chandler as anyone else
111
00:04:31,418 --> 00:04:32,586
but Coach Taylor.
112
00:04:34,421 --> 00:04:36,256
Ssssso, the case?
113
00:04:36,632 --> 00:04:37,508
Right!
114
00:04:39,510 --> 00:04:40,385
Let's do it.
115
00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:46,433
You had one job.
Torture four bad people forever.
116
00:04:46,725 --> 00:04:48,519
Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.
117
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,355
You really junked your jeans on this one,
you butterface.
118
00:04:51,396 --> 00:04:52,648
I did what I had to do.
119
00:04:53,065 --> 00:04:54,942
Oh, you had to junk your jeans?
120
00:04:56,151 --> 00:04:58,529
How could you betray your own kind like this?
121
00:04:58,570 --> 00:05:00,948
Who taught you
how to turn a human inside out
122
00:05:00,989 --> 00:05:03,742
by reaching down their throat
and grabbing their butt from the inside?
123
00:05:03,784 --> 00:05:06,286
You did.
- You got that right, sister.
124
00:05:07,204 --> 00:05:08,580
And this is how you repay me.
125
00:05:08,622 --> 00:05:11,083
Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture.
126
00:05:11,124 --> 00:05:12,584
You never cared about me.
127
00:05:12,626 --> 00:05:14,711
In the words of one of my actual friends -
128
00:05:15,045 --> 00:05:15,963
"Ya basic!"
129
00:05:16,672 --> 00:05:18,298
It's a human insult.
130
00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:19,341
It's devastating.
131
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,260
You're devastated right now.
132
00:05:21,301 --> 00:05:22,344
The point is...
133
00:05:22,886 --> 00:05:24,888
the four of them are in front of the Judge
134
00:05:24,930 --> 00:05:27,266
and the Good Janet has escaped too
135
00:05:27,307 --> 00:05:28,267
you'll never find her.
136
00:05:28,892 --> 00:05:30,018
Oh, you mean this...
137
00:05:30,227 --> 00:05:31,103
Good Janet?
138
00:05:31,144 --> 00:05:33,272
I found her in, like, two seconds.
139
00:05:33,313 --> 00:05:36,316
She was wandering the halls
being polite to people.
140
00:05:36,358 --> 00:05:37,568
Like a chump.
141
00:05:38,193 --> 00:05:39,361
So, I marble-ised her.
142
00:05:39,778 --> 00:05:40,737
Keep her if you want.
143
00:05:41,113 --> 00:05:43,282
Maybe shove it up your weiner
for safekeeping. I don't know.
144
00:05:43,657 --> 00:05:45,033
It's up to you.
- Poor Janet.
145
00:05:46,201 --> 00:05:47,327
She was a good friend.
146
00:05:47,369 --> 00:05:48,245
Friend?
147
00:05:49,580 --> 00:05:51,248
What kind of monster aren't you?
148
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,542
I'm going to give each of you a test
149
00:05:53,584 --> 00:05:55,127
to see how much progress you've made
150
00:05:55,544 --> 00:05:57,504
and if I deem you fit
to be in the Good Place
151
00:05:57,546 --> 00:05:59,256
then... zoop!
152
00:05:59,756 --> 00:06:00,632
Up you go!
153
00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:04,595
Well, actually, sort of... that way. Zurp!
154
00:06:04,636 --> 00:06:06,471
Great. Can we be tested together
as a group?
155
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,765
Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat
off Chidi.
156
00:06:10,350 --> 00:06:12,686
Oh! That's why your name is "Chidi."
157
00:06:12,728 --> 00:06:14,354
I get it now.
158
00:06:14,688 --> 00:06:17,316
I'm sorry, cuties.
The tests have to be individual.
159
00:06:17,357 --> 00:06:18,942
Well, can we be graded as a group then?
160
00:06:19,443 --> 00:06:22,571
The only reason we've come this far
is because we've helped each other.
161
00:06:22,863 --> 00:06:25,240
And I don't think anything's
gonna feel like the Good Place
162
00:06:25,282 --> 00:06:26,450
if we're not together.
163
00:06:26,491 --> 00:06:28,744
So, if you all pass, you're in.
164
00:06:29,244 --> 00:06:32,664
And if even one of you fails,
you're all effed.
165
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:33,916
Right?
166
00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:35,626
Terrible idea.
167
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:38,045
I mean, truly awful.
168
00:06:38,086 --> 00:06:41,715
You are very lucky that I cannot send you
to the Bad Idea Place
169
00:06:41,757 --> 00:06:43,508
because that one is a stanker.
170
00:06:43,967 --> 00:06:45,761
But whatever blows your dress up.
I mean, am I right?
171
00:06:46,637 --> 00:06:47,512
Hold on.
172
00:06:49,056 --> 00:06:52,184
Guys, whatever these tests might be,
we can hack it.
173
00:06:52,517 --> 00:06:55,020
I mean, think about
all the scary stuff we've seen.
174
00:06:55,062 --> 00:06:57,564
All the times we were almost captured
by demons.
175
00:06:57,606 --> 00:07:00,442
And worst of all,
the time that Chidi told us
176
00:07:00,484 --> 00:07:02,110
when we finished a book, we'd get a treat
177
00:07:02,152 --> 00:07:04,154
and the treat turned out to be another book.
178
00:07:04,196 --> 00:07:05,572
Books can be treats.
179
00:07:05,614 --> 00:07:06,949
I am not having this argument again.
180
00:07:06,990 --> 00:07:08,742
Point is, we got this.
181
00:07:08,784 --> 00:07:11,787
We are Team Cockroach.
We can pass these tests.
182
00:07:11,828 --> 00:07:13,038
I believe in us.
183
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,206
We'll start with Jason.
184
00:07:14,247 --> 00:07:16,708
Oh, no. We're doomed.
- Ugh!
185
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:19,002
Oh, sorry, I mean - good luck!
186
00:07:21,046 --> 00:07:22,297
Jason...
- Present!
187
00:07:22,631 --> 00:07:23,507
Good.
188
00:07:23,548 --> 00:07:26,843
In front of you is a video game system
loaded with Madden football.
189
00:07:26,885 --> 00:07:29,596
Are you kidding me?
I'm the best at Madden.
190
00:07:29,638 --> 00:07:30,722
I call Jaguars!
191
00:07:31,556 --> 00:07:33,475
As I was about to tell you
192
00:07:33,517 --> 00:07:36,144
you can only play against the Jaguars...
193
00:07:36,186 --> 00:07:37,145
No!
194
00:07:37,187 --> 00:07:39,898
using their archrivals, the Tennessee Titans.
- No!
195
00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:41,233
If you play the game and you lose...
196
00:07:41,274 --> 00:07:42,567
Oh! I'm gonna win.
197
00:07:42,943 --> 00:07:44,277
Say no more, scary Judge lady.
198
00:07:44,319 --> 00:07:46,279
Tell my friends
their souls are in good hands.
199
00:07:47,781 --> 00:07:49,366
Oh, no! I fumbled the kickoff!
200
00:07:50,075 --> 00:07:51,535
Titans suck!
201
00:07:54,663 --> 00:07:56,498
"Tahani." It's such a pretty name.
202
00:07:57,249 --> 00:07:58,500
My name is super boring
203
00:07:59,001 --> 00:07:59,876
Jen.
204
00:08:00,460 --> 00:08:01,837
Which is short for "hydrogen"
205
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,965
which was the only thing that was
in existence at the time that I was born.
206
00:08:05,882 --> 00:08:06,758
Anywho...
207
00:08:07,384 --> 00:08:09,803
all you have to do is go through there
208
00:08:10,262 --> 00:08:13,473
walk down the hallway,
and through the red door at the end.
209
00:08:14,433 --> 00:08:17,269
That's it? That's my test?
- Yup!
210
00:08:17,686 --> 00:08:20,439
Oh, also, everyone in every room
that you pass
211
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,607
is going to be discussing
what they truly think about you.
212
00:08:23,859 --> 00:08:24,943
OK, have fun!
213
00:08:37,122 --> 00:08:38,582
Oh, I see.
214
00:08:39,499 --> 00:08:43,045
It's a test of my ability
to not care what people think of me.
215
00:08:44,921 --> 00:08:46,965
Oh, no!
216
00:08:47,466 --> 00:08:50,385
So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted
them over 800 times.
217
00:08:50,802 --> 00:08:53,180
And all of these reports of their "torture"
are completely fake?
218
00:08:53,597 --> 00:08:55,640
Yes. But, frankly, this is on you.
219
00:08:56,224 --> 00:09:00,187
A lot of those details I just took directly
from Stephen King novels
220
00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:01,980
and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars."
221
00:09:02,022 --> 00:09:03,815
Just tell me why.
Why would you do this?
222
00:09:03,857 --> 00:09:05,192
It's not like I planned it!
223
00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:09,154
I was just trying to prove that humans
could be made to torture each other.
224
00:09:09,196 --> 00:09:12,365
Instead, they helped each other,
and got better.
225
00:09:12,699 --> 00:09:16,369
They were bad people -
this is not supposed to be possible.
226
00:09:16,411 --> 00:09:19,039
So, the only explanation is that somehow
227
00:09:19,414 --> 00:09:23,043
there was a mistake made,
and these people belong in the Good Place.
228
00:09:23,085 --> 00:09:24,586
No, they don't, idiot.
229
00:09:24,628 --> 00:09:26,755
Shawn, this is not fair.
- Pfft.
230
00:09:27,172 --> 00:09:30,133
"Fair" is the stupidest word
humans ever invented.
231
00:09:30,592 --> 00:09:32,511
Except for... "stay-cation."
- Ew.
232
00:09:32,969 --> 00:09:35,180
Look, those four humans are good people
233
00:09:35,472 --> 00:09:37,599
and they deserve a "stay-cation"
234
00:09:37,641 --> 00:09:41,019
in the Good Place, and I bet the Judge
will feel the same way.
235
00:09:41,061 --> 00:09:42,729
I doubt she even hears their case.
236
00:09:42,771 --> 00:09:43,647
But if she does...
237
00:09:44,481 --> 00:09:45,941
one of them will screw it up,
they always do.
238
00:09:46,191 --> 00:09:48,568
I'm sick of smelling
this guy's lumpy white ass.
239
00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:51,196
Can we get rid of him already?
- Yep. It's time.
240
00:09:51,238 --> 00:09:52,405
Follow me.
241
00:09:53,198 --> 00:09:54,991
OK.
Eleanor and Chidi.
242
00:09:55,617 --> 00:09:56,910
Looks like you guys are up.
243
00:09:56,952 --> 00:09:57,828
At the same time?
244
00:09:57,911 --> 00:09:59,162
Yup!
245
00:10:13,051 --> 00:10:14,094
Trippy, right?
246
00:10:14,136 --> 00:10:16,346
There is no test. You guys are in!
247
00:10:17,389 --> 00:10:19,141
We're... "in?"
What does that mean?
248
00:10:19,182 --> 00:10:21,434
You guys have made great strides
and you've made it to the Good Place.
249
00:10:21,476 --> 00:10:22,519
Congrats.
250
00:10:22,561 --> 00:10:23,937
Take these medallions
251
00:10:23,979 --> 00:10:26,106
and go right through that portal
and you're there in a jiff.
252
00:10:28,150 --> 00:10:29,276
We made it.
- We made it.
253
00:10:29,317 --> 00:10:30,193
Holy crap!
254
00:10:30,277 --> 00:10:32,237
Whoo!
255
00:10:32,279 --> 00:10:34,197
All those ethics lessons paid off.
256
00:10:34,239 --> 00:10:35,991
Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
257
00:10:36,032 --> 00:10:37,159
You! You did
258
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,119
many times,
as recently as this morning.
259
00:10:39,161 --> 00:10:41,872
Whoo!
- But... but you also worked really hard
260
00:10:41,913 --> 00:10:43,498
and you deserve this.
261
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:44,499
You really do.
262
00:10:45,292 --> 00:10:47,252
Here's the thing though,
it's just the two of you.
263
00:10:47,752 --> 00:10:49,546
Tahani and Jason didn't make it.
264
00:10:49,588 --> 00:10:52,340
I'm giving them tests right now
to determine where they belong
265
00:10:52,382 --> 00:10:53,508
within the Bad Place.
266
00:10:53,550 --> 00:10:57,220
So, you might want to reconsider
that "judge us together" thing
267
00:10:57,262 --> 00:10:59,055
cos if you stick to that,
you're all going down.
268
00:10:59,431 --> 00:11:01,266
Now, you can wait here
to say your goodbyes
269
00:11:01,308 --> 00:11:03,351
or you can just take off now.
270
00:11:03,935 --> 00:11:04,978
It's totally up to you guys.
271
00:11:06,021 --> 00:11:09,357
I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry?
272
00:11:09,858 --> 00:11:13,236
Oh my... I'm such an idiot.
I forgot to eat my burrito
273
00:11:13,278 --> 00:11:16,239
and I was so hungry, too. What a dork.
274
00:11:19,075 --> 00:11:21,995
OK, obviously this is the test, right?
275
00:11:22,037 --> 00:11:25,040
I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani
the same offer
276
00:11:25,081 --> 00:11:27,792
and whichever couple takes it actually loses
277
00:11:28,126 --> 00:11:29,252
and the other two get in for real.
278
00:11:29,836 --> 00:11:32,297
Oh, diabolical.
279
00:11:32,672 --> 00:11:33,757
Hey, Judge
280
00:11:33,798 --> 00:11:35,091
we figured out what you're really...
- Nope!
281
00:11:35,508 --> 00:11:37,928
Tahani and Jason
have not been given the same offer.
282
00:11:37,969 --> 00:11:39,471
Here, take a look.
283
00:11:40,388 --> 00:11:42,390
Tahani's test is to walk down a hallway
284
00:11:42,432 --> 00:11:44,476
and not get tempted
by her gossiping friends.
285
00:11:45,227 --> 00:11:46,686
Jason is playing video games.
286
00:11:46,728 --> 00:11:48,355
Oh. OK, cool.
287
00:11:50,106 --> 00:11:52,817
Sorry, I... I feel weird saying this
to an almighty Judge
288
00:11:52,859 --> 00:11:54,402
but you have hot sauce on your chin.
289
00:11:54,986 --> 00:11:55,862
Thank you.
290
00:11:56,738 --> 00:11:57,822
It's actually not hot sauce.
291
00:11:58,865 --> 00:11:59,741
It's "envy."
292
00:12:00,242 --> 00:12:01,493
Or the concept of envy.
293
00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:04,829
It's really good on Mexican food,
it gives it a little kick.
294
00:12:06,998 --> 00:12:07,999
OK, so what do we do?
295
00:12:10,001 --> 00:12:12,712
Oh, no. That was your "moral quandary"
grimace.
296
00:12:13,046 --> 00:12:15,131
Which is different
from your "gas pain" grimace.
297
00:12:16,341 --> 00:12:19,135
And different from your
"someone said 'from whence it came'"
298
00:12:19,177 --> 00:12:20,720
"instead of 'whence it came'" grimace.
299
00:12:22,472 --> 00:12:23,807
So, spit it out, man!
300
00:12:23,848 --> 00:12:25,892
Well, if... if this isn't a test
301
00:12:26,184 --> 00:12:28,311
then it's something way worse.
302
00:12:28,645 --> 00:12:29,854
What?
- A choice!
303
00:12:31,064 --> 00:12:32,732
That we have to make.
- Yeah
304
00:12:32,774 --> 00:12:35,068
you know, why can't one part
305
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:37,612
of the calculation
of our eternal fate be easy?
306
00:12:37,654 --> 00:12:39,030
I don't know.
307
00:12:52,127 --> 00:12:54,587
Quevenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking
308
00:12:54,629 --> 00:12:57,132
in the same room, discussing me?
309
00:12:59,384 --> 00:13:00,927
I guess they must have made up.
310
00:13:01,344 --> 00:13:02,262
Focus...
311
00:13:03,388 --> 00:13:05,432
There'll be Fergies a-plenty
in the Good Place.
312
00:13:16,192 --> 00:13:19,237
I don't know
where we went wrong with Tahani.
313
00:13:19,279 --> 00:13:21,656
I know.
She is such a disappointment
314
00:13:21,698 --> 00:13:22,741
compared to her sister.
315
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:24,659
Hello, Father.
316
00:13:25,452 --> 00:13:26,411
Hello, Mother.
317
00:13:26,453 --> 00:13:28,538
Oh! Hello, Tahani.
318
00:13:28,872 --> 00:13:32,250
We were just talking about
how you're a huge disappointment
319
00:13:32,292 --> 00:13:33,460
compared to your sister.
320
00:13:33,835 --> 00:13:36,379
Have a seat.
We'd love to get your take.
321
00:13:38,256 --> 00:13:40,467
How's it going in here?
- I'm losing by three.
322
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,510
Meditating to calm myself down.
323
00:13:42,886 --> 00:13:45,805
I'd be winning by like a million
if I could play as the Jags
324
00:13:45,847 --> 00:13:47,891
instead of playing against the Jags
325
00:13:47,932 --> 00:13:51,436
I hate scoring
against my own favourite team.
326
00:13:54,856 --> 00:13:57,776
But you already knew that.
327
00:13:58,902 --> 00:14:00,653
Because this is the test!
328
00:14:00,695 --> 00:14:02,822
Yeah, that's not a revelation or something.
329
00:14:02,864 --> 00:14:04,449
I explained that very clearly.
330
00:14:06,034 --> 00:14:07,619
It's nice to see you, Tahani.
331
00:14:07,952 --> 00:14:11,998
Apparently, wherever you've been,
they've been keeping you well-fed.
332
00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:17,545
You know, I've actually risked quite a lot
to be in this room right now
333
00:14:17,587 --> 00:14:21,049
so if you could just not be cruel
for maybe 30 seconds
334
00:14:21,091 --> 00:14:22,008
that would be lovely.
335
00:14:22,050 --> 00:14:25,053
Apologies. It's been a while
since we've seen you.
336
00:14:25,303 --> 00:14:28,056
We have so much to tell you
about your sister!
337
00:14:28,098 --> 00:14:31,226
We've just heard the most wonderful news
338
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:34,729
Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.
339
00:14:35,605 --> 00:14:36,564
Really?
- Well...
340
00:14:36,606 --> 00:14:40,485
she dedicated it to her fans,
and you're one of her fans.
341
00:14:41,986 --> 00:14:45,115
The whole point of this afterlife test
342
00:14:45,657 --> 00:14:49,160
is that everyone in these rooms
is supposed to be talking about me
343
00:14:49,869 --> 00:14:55,583
and yet even in this scenario,
you are still talking about Kamilah!
344
00:14:58,586 --> 00:15:00,046
Which is exactly the point.
345
00:15:02,048 --> 00:15:04,676
I was never going to be enough for you
346
00:15:05,176 --> 00:15:06,428
never going to earn your respect.
347
00:15:07,220 --> 00:15:11,391
You know, I have done things
that you would never have approved of.
348
00:15:11,433 --> 00:15:14,727
I died dressed as someone
in the service industry
349
00:15:15,562 --> 00:15:19,190
I shagged a Floridian,
I even ate a Cheeto.
350
00:15:19,232 --> 00:15:20,442
That's right.
351
00:15:20,483 --> 00:15:23,111
I ate a lumpy witch's finger
352
00:15:23,153 --> 00:15:25,780
made of neon orange corn foam.
353
00:15:25,822 --> 00:15:27,740
Chewing it was deafening.
354
00:15:27,782 --> 00:15:29,993
And it's the happiest I have ever been.
355
00:15:30,034 --> 00:15:31,369
Don't get upset, dear.
356
00:15:31,995 --> 00:15:33,329
You barely fit in that dress
357
00:15:33,371 --> 00:15:36,708
and I'm afraid you're going to "Hulk out"
as it were.
358
00:15:36,749 --> 00:15:37,625
OK.
359
00:15:39,586 --> 00:15:42,922
I'm sorry we didn't have
a better relationship.
360
00:15:43,756 --> 00:15:45,675
And I wish you the both the best.
361
00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:58,605
Alright, idiot. Any last words?
362
00:15:58,646 --> 00:16:00,940
Just go ahead and retire me already.
363
00:16:01,608 --> 00:16:03,193
Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael.
364
00:16:03,568 --> 00:16:04,527
I'm not?
- No.
365
00:16:04,569 --> 00:16:05,862
Retirement is a spectacle.
366
00:16:06,237 --> 00:16:08,323
Everyone would see the flaming ladles
go down your throat
367
00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:10,366
everyone would hear your eternal
shrieks of agony
368
00:16:10,408 --> 00:16:12,452
blah, blah, blah.
Then they'd ask me what you did.
369
00:16:12,577 --> 00:16:14,412
I don't need that kind of scrutiny right now.
370
00:16:14,829 --> 00:16:17,332
So, I'm just going to throw you
in this unmarked room
371
00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:18,500
for the rest of eternity.
372
00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:23,213
And since it seems you love humans so much,
I'll torture you like one.
373
00:16:23,755 --> 00:16:26,674
All you'll have for entertainment
is that giant stack
374
00:16:26,716 --> 00:16:28,009
of New Yorker Magazines.
375
00:16:29,636 --> 00:16:33,264
Oh, come on. You and I both know
I'll never read those.
376
00:16:33,306 --> 00:16:34,474
Of course you won't.
377
00:16:35,099 --> 00:16:38,561
But they'll just keep coming.
378
00:16:43,233 --> 00:16:44,108
Goodbye, Michael.
379
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,986
We will leave you with one
of Bad Janet's classic farts.
380
00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:50,448
The smell will linger for ten million years.
381
00:16:50,865 --> 00:16:53,284
Alright! Here comes the boom!
382
00:16:53,701 --> 00:16:54,911
Oh, wait... actually
383
00:16:55,328 --> 00:16:58,039
before I absolutely let it rip
384
00:16:58,081 --> 00:16:59,499
I just have one more thing I have to do.
385
00:16:59,541 --> 00:17:00,416
What?
386
00:17:04,837 --> 00:17:06,965
It's me! Good Janet!
- Janet?
387
00:17:07,799 --> 00:17:10,343
I thought you were a marble.
- That was a trick!
388
00:17:10,718 --> 00:17:13,596
I realised if we wanted our friends
to have any chance of survival
389
00:17:13,638 --> 00:17:16,808
I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things,
really quickly.
390
00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:18,101
So, I did!
391
00:17:18,685 --> 00:17:20,270
Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.
392
00:17:20,478 --> 00:17:21,771
Ugh! What happened?
393
00:17:24,983 --> 00:17:26,442
OK, now I'll be nice again.
394
00:17:29,195 --> 00:17:30,738
Could you please stop doing that?
395
00:17:31,614 --> 00:17:32,740
It helps me think.
396
00:17:35,577 --> 00:17:36,703
We've been through every argument
397
00:17:37,287 --> 00:17:41,583
contractualist, Kantian,
"what would Superman do?"
398
00:17:41,624 --> 00:17:43,293
"What would Rihanna do?"
399
00:17:43,876 --> 00:17:45,169
Are we missing anything?
400
00:17:45,962 --> 00:17:49,424
Hit me, right now
with your most obscure, boring-est
401
00:17:49,465 --> 00:17:53,386
old-white-dude-with-a-long-wizard-beard
mumbo-jumbo.
402
00:17:53,428 --> 00:17:57,515
OK, our friends are going to the Bad Place.
403
00:17:58,141 --> 00:18:02,812
And us choosing to go with them
won't lessen their suffering.
404
00:18:03,396 --> 00:18:04,314
So...
405
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,566
morally
406
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:08,568
we're allowed to go.
407
00:18:09,068 --> 00:18:11,279
But let's forget about the ethics
for a second.
408
00:18:12,488 --> 00:18:16,242
After everything that's happened,
don't we deserve to be together...
409
00:18:17,910 --> 00:18:19,787
and happy, for once?
410
00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:27,170
- Judge?
- Have you made your decision?
411
00:18:27,754 --> 00:18:28,630
Yeah.
412
00:18:29,881 --> 00:18:31,007
We're not going to the Good Place.
413
00:18:31,591 --> 00:18:33,509
I mean, that was never actually an option
414
00:18:33,551 --> 00:18:35,762
but for the sake of your test,
we're not going.
415
00:18:36,554 --> 00:18:37,430
What do you mean?
416
00:18:37,472 --> 00:18:40,808
Well, I was 99% sure
that going was the wrong move
417
00:18:40,850 --> 00:18:44,103
but since our whole relationship
has been me being sure of something
418
00:18:44,145 --> 00:18:46,064
and Chidi explaining why I was wrong
419
00:18:46,356 --> 00:18:48,650
I owed it to him to quadruple-check.
420
00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:52,779
The capper came
when I realised, that ain't Chidi.
421
00:18:53,988 --> 00:18:56,783
The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that
he should be rewarded
422
00:18:56,824 --> 00:18:57,950
while his friends got punished
423
00:18:57,992 --> 00:19:00,953
and he would never
"forget about ethics for a second."
424
00:19:01,704 --> 00:19:04,540
I don't know who this joker is,
but it's not Chidi Anagonye.
425
00:19:04,582 --> 00:19:05,917
Wait, but what about the...?
426
00:19:07,502 --> 00:19:09,087
Well done, Eleanor.
427
00:19:09,462 --> 00:19:11,339
You can take a seat and wait for the others.
428
00:19:11,381 --> 00:19:14,801
And can I have that medallion back?
Cos it's actually a coaster, for my sodas.
429
00:19:14,842 --> 00:19:15,718
Mm-hm.
430
00:19:16,761 --> 00:19:18,638
Where is the real Chidi, though?
Is he OK?
431
00:19:18,971 --> 00:19:20,348
He's still taking his test.
432
00:19:23,101 --> 00:19:25,103
OK, this is ridiculous. Um...
433
00:19:26,896 --> 00:19:27,814
I'm just gonna choose...
434
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:31,776
brown.
435
00:19:33,069 --> 00:19:35,780
Gray's the obvious choice,
which is probably why I shouldn't choose it.
436
00:19:36,614 --> 00:19:38,241
Brown. Nope. Gray.
437
00:19:39,409 --> 00:19:41,744
Nope. Brown. Brown hat.
438
00:19:46,749 --> 00:19:48,209
Alright, fun stuff.
439
00:19:48,626 --> 00:19:49,877
Yeah.
- Yeah?
440
00:19:49,919 --> 00:19:50,795
Feeling good?
441
00:19:50,837 --> 00:19:51,963
Very. Yeah.
- I think so, yes.
442
00:19:52,088 --> 00:19:53,047
Great.
443
00:19:53,172 --> 00:19:55,299
You're all going to the Bad Place.
444
00:19:58,511 --> 00:19:59,804
OK, um...
445
00:20:00,346 --> 00:20:04,058
if I was the one who failed,
could you at least tell me why I failed
446
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:05,101
for my own edification?
447
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,854
I too would like to know if I failed.
448
00:20:08,646 --> 00:20:11,399
I didn't fail, so go ahead,
tell them what you want.
449
00:20:12,275 --> 00:20:13,901
Last second field goal, won by three.
450
00:20:14,527 --> 00:20:15,403
Pretty dope.
451
00:20:15,862 --> 00:20:16,821
Chidi.
452
00:20:17,029 --> 00:20:19,782
It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.
453
00:20:19,824 --> 00:20:21,951
But did I at least choose the right one?
454
00:20:21,993 --> 00:20:23,995
There is no right one. They're hats.
455
00:20:24,328 --> 00:20:25,204
Come on, man!
456
00:20:27,498 --> 00:20:30,960
Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms
that I thought would entice you
457
00:20:31,294 --> 00:20:33,296
but you weren't
supposed to open any doors
458
00:20:33,337 --> 00:20:35,256
and you couldn't resist confronting
your parents.
459
00:20:35,923 --> 00:20:37,008
Sorry, everyone.
460
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:38,718
But now that I failed
461
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:41,888
can I go back in and talk
to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury?
462
00:20:41,929 --> 00:20:42,805
No.
463
00:20:43,264 --> 00:20:45,725
Jason, your test
was about impulse control
464
00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:47,810
and you showed great improvements.
465
00:20:48,352 --> 00:20:52,064
But you never asked
if you could opt not to play.
466
00:20:52,565 --> 00:20:54,942
I mean, you basically told me
467
00:20:55,902 --> 00:20:59,405
an all-knowing Judge,
to just shut up and go away.
468
00:20:59,447 --> 00:21:02,283
Do you realise how insane that is?
469
00:21:03,284 --> 00:21:06,662
Not as insane as picking off
the greatest quarterback of all time
470
00:21:06,704 --> 00:21:09,582
Blake Bortles, to set-up
a last-second game-winning field goal.
471
00:21:12,293 --> 00:21:15,505
Now, Eleanor's test
was about her selfishness
472
00:21:15,546 --> 00:21:17,507
and she actually...
- I failed.
473
00:21:18,257 --> 00:21:21,594
I shoved an old lady down the stairs
to get to the raw bar...
474
00:21:22,011 --> 00:21:24,096
because I'm a shrimp fiend
475
00:21:24,138 --> 00:21:26,098
so, we all failed, let's not dwell on it.
476
00:21:28,351 --> 00:21:30,436
Alright. Shall we?
477
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:38,569
Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.
478
00:21:38,611 --> 00:21:40,530
I made a little video of our time together.
479
00:21:40,947 --> 00:21:44,617
♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
480
00:21:44,659 --> 00:21:45,618
Oh, look! There we are!
481
00:21:45,993 --> 00:21:48,871
You know, I thought I'd have
a stomachache right now, but weirdly...
482
00:21:49,163 --> 00:21:51,165
♪ And everything I would like... ♪
483
00:21:51,207 --> 00:21:52,083
...I do.
484
00:21:52,124 --> 00:21:53,334
There's my guy.
485
00:21:53,709 --> 00:21:55,253
What?
- Doesn't matter.
486
00:21:55,628 --> 00:21:56,504
I'm gonna miss you, bud.
487
00:21:57,004 --> 00:22:00,341
Every time they pull my eyeballs out
through my mouth, I'll think of you.
488
00:22:02,885 --> 00:22:03,803
I'm gonna frame that one.
489
00:22:04,470 --> 00:22:06,138
We gave it our best shot, guys.
490
00:22:06,472 --> 00:22:07,974
I say we go through the portal
491
00:22:08,224 --> 00:22:09,267
get a good night's sleep
492
00:22:09,892 --> 00:22:11,227
come back fresh in the morning.
493
00:22:12,061 --> 00:22:12,937
Try again.
494
00:22:13,396 --> 00:22:14,313
Oh, Jason.
495
00:22:14,981 --> 00:22:18,067
I feel like you always understand
about 20% of what's happening.
496
00:22:18,818 --> 00:22:20,069
Thanks.
- Sure.
497
00:22:20,111 --> 00:22:21,529
♪ You are the wind... ♪
498
00:22:21,571 --> 00:22:22,905
I mean, look at us.
499
00:22:22,947 --> 00:22:23,823
♪ ...beneath my wings. ♪
500
00:22:23,865 --> 00:22:25,575
Ah, good times.
501
00:22:25,950 --> 00:22:27,577
Alright, off to eternal damnation!
502
00:22:28,828 --> 00:22:29,787
Do you hear something?
503
00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:33,416
Oh!
504
00:22:34,041 --> 00:22:36,419
Hey, guys! How you been?