1 00:00:01,524 --> 00:00:03,901 TRAIN ROARS - BELL RINGS 2 00:00:13,244 --> 00:00:14,662 ELEANOR: You alright there, chief? 3 00:00:14,703 --> 00:00:16,830 You look like you lost your lucky bookmark or something. 4 00:00:16,872 --> 00:00:17,873 Oh, no! Did I? 5 00:00:18,832 --> 00:00:20,084 HE LAUGHS 6 00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:22,002 It's fine. I got it right here. 7 00:00:22,044 --> 00:00:25,422 It's just that now that we're actually on the train 8 00:00:25,464 --> 00:00:27,466 heading to Bad Place headquarters 9 00:00:27,508 --> 00:00:29,552 this plan is starting to feel slightly... 10 00:00:30,094 --> 00:00:31,720 completely insane. 11 00:00:31,845 --> 00:00:34,098 This is the only way to get to the Judge? 12 00:00:34,139 --> 00:00:35,516 I'm afraid so. Yes. 13 00:00:35,558 --> 00:00:38,394 See, the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone 14 00:00:38,435 --> 00:00:40,604 separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. 15 00:00:40,813 --> 00:00:43,148 The only things there are the Judge's quarters 16 00:00:43,274 --> 00:00:44,441 the Accounting department 17 00:00:44,483 --> 00:00:45,985 and the Janet Warehouse. 18 00:00:47,194 --> 00:00:48,946 No, there's also an IHOP. 19 00:00:48,988 --> 00:00:51,824 Dope! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! 20 00:00:51,865 --> 00:00:52,992 MICHAEL: No, sorry, um... 21 00:00:53,033 --> 00:00:57,329 in this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes." 22 00:00:57,621 --> 00:00:59,832 You don't really eat these pancakes 23 00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:01,709 it's more like they eat you. 24 00:01:01,875 --> 00:01:03,586 OK, I'll get eggs then. 25 00:01:04,253 --> 00:01:07,298 So, the only way to get to the Judge is through a Portal 26 00:01:07,339 --> 00:01:10,426 which is smack dab in the middle of the main office 27 00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:11,885 at Bad Place headquarters. 28 00:01:12,094 --> 00:01:14,471 And the only way through the Portal is with one of these. 29 00:01:14,513 --> 00:01:17,391 What is that? Is that jewellery? Not that it matters. 30 00:01:17,808 --> 00:01:19,685 It's just some jewellery I don't have. 31 00:01:20,102 --> 00:01:22,479 Can I have it? - These pins are very hard to come by 32 00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:24,982 only upper management-types have them. 33 00:01:25,024 --> 00:01:27,735 So, you guys will lay low, while I get us four more. 34 00:01:27,985 --> 00:01:30,195 Janet doesn't need one, because for Portals 35 00:01:30,237 --> 00:01:31,864 she counts as a "carry-on." 36 00:01:32,239 --> 00:01:33,282 I'm luggage. 37 00:01:33,616 --> 00:01:36,827 I had Janet make you each a Bad Place disguise 38 00:01:36,869 --> 00:01:38,912 and everyone who worked in the Neighbourhood 39 00:01:38,954 --> 00:01:41,081 has been sent back to their previous departments 40 00:01:41,123 --> 00:01:43,959 so the chances of you being recognised are very small. 41 00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:47,338 I don't know. This plan seems complicated. 42 00:01:47,379 --> 00:01:50,257 To be fair, you also once said that about an orange. 43 00:01:50,299 --> 00:01:51,592 They don't make sense! 44 00:01:52,009 --> 00:01:55,804 Apples you eat their clothes, but oranges you don't? 45 00:01:55,846 --> 00:01:56,805 Forget this plan. 46 00:01:56,847 --> 00:01:59,016 I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and... 47 00:01:59,058 --> 00:02:00,684 Whew! Run through the Portal. 48 00:02:00,726 --> 00:02:05,189 As much as I respect your explosive-based problem-solving skills 49 00:02:05,230 --> 00:02:07,608 I think we should go with Michael's plan. 50 00:02:07,941 --> 00:02:10,027 I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. 51 00:02:10,069 --> 00:02:13,614 Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail - boom! 52 00:02:13,656 --> 00:02:16,158 right away, I had a different problem. 53 00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:17,951 He makes a strong case. 54 00:02:26,085 --> 00:02:28,504 OK, now, you're all gonna need aliases. 55 00:02:28,545 --> 00:02:31,548 Cool. I'm gonna be... "Diana Tremaine." 56 00:02:31,590 --> 00:02:33,425 That was the name on my fake ID in high school. 57 00:02:33,467 --> 00:02:36,470 SHE CHUCKLES Her address was 123 Whatever Street 58 00:02:36,512 --> 00:02:37,930 Canada City, Canada. 59 00:02:38,347 --> 00:02:40,057 Arizona bouncers are the best. 60 00:02:40,224 --> 00:02:42,476 Character work! Such fun. 61 00:02:42,935 --> 00:02:45,771 I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university. 62 00:02:45,813 --> 00:02:49,233 Although, mostly, I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann just threw glitter on me. 63 00:02:49,274 --> 00:02:52,444 Ooh, I shall be... AMERICAN ACCENT: "Rhonda Mumps" 64 00:02:52,486 --> 00:02:55,614 and I work down at the hot dog factory! - You need to be more specific. 65 00:02:55,656 --> 00:02:57,783 There are nine hot dog torture departments. 66 00:02:57,825 --> 00:03:01,245 Making people into, stuffing people with... 67 00:03:01,495 --> 00:03:03,122 Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. 68 00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:05,749 Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans? 69 00:03:05,958 --> 00:03:06,834 Yes. 70 00:03:07,126 --> 00:03:08,001 throats. 71 00:03:08,419 --> 00:03:10,045 I know what my secret identity is. 72 00:03:10,087 --> 00:03:11,839 You cannot be "Blake Bortles." 73 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,007 Fine. Then I'll be "Jake." 74 00:03:14,049 --> 00:03:15,759 Don't say "Jortles." - "Jortles"! 75 00:03:15,801 --> 00:03:18,220 And I work in the Molotov cocktail department. 76 00:03:18,262 --> 00:03:21,098 Boy, you know, I thought you guys would be more worried about this. 77 00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:23,767 We've been knee-deep in demons for, like, 800 reboots now. 78 00:03:23,809 --> 00:03:26,603 Lying about who we are is second-nature. - MICHAEL: Huh. 79 00:03:28,397 --> 00:03:29,273 Chidi? 80 00:03:29,314 --> 00:03:32,317 I hate this, I hate lying, it's not permissible, I can't do this! 81 00:03:32,359 --> 00:03:33,235 MICHAEL: Oh, boy. 82 00:03:35,237 --> 00:03:36,697 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Jeez Louise! 83 00:03:36,739 --> 00:03:39,575 Looks like Chidi has a real case of the Mondays, am I right? 84 00:03:40,534 --> 00:03:42,494 Hey, uh... pass the Nascar-ketchup! 85 00:03:45,247 --> 00:03:46,248 ELEANOR: Hey, buddy. 86 00:03:47,541 --> 00:03:50,794 Look, if you don't want to lie because it conflicts with your moral principles 87 00:03:50,836 --> 00:03:51,712 I get it. 88 00:03:52,755 --> 00:03:54,173 No one's going to be mad at you. 89 00:03:54,548 --> 00:03:55,424 Really? 90 00:03:55,466 --> 00:03:56,633 No, dumbass! 91 00:03:56,675 --> 00:03:58,719 I'm lying to you to make you feel better! 92 00:03:58,761 --> 00:04:00,429 See? Sometimes lying is awesome! 93 00:04:00,471 --> 00:04:02,306 SHE GASPS Plus, I said "dumbass!" 94 00:04:02,347 --> 00:04:04,266 Oh, cursing - how I've missed you. 95 00:04:04,433 --> 00:04:08,103 Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a Judge 96 00:04:08,145 --> 00:04:10,147 who is going to judge us. 97 00:04:10,189 --> 00:04:12,691 What if I lie down here, and I lose 12 points 98 00:04:12,733 --> 00:04:15,360 and then we get in front of the Judge and I'm 12 points short? 99 00:04:15,402 --> 00:04:19,239 Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all, because we lied to get there? 100 00:04:19,281 --> 00:04:23,118 Kant says that lying is always wrong and I follow that maxim. 101 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,163 So, you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man! 102 00:04:26,205 --> 00:04:27,331 We're behind enemy lines! 103 00:04:27,372 --> 00:04:29,708 Look, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose 104 00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:31,251 when you're going to follow them. 105 00:04:32,044 --> 00:04:34,087 I won't lie about who I am. 106 00:04:35,464 --> 00:04:36,340 OK. 107 00:04:38,675 --> 00:04:40,969 I understand, and I'm cool with it. 108 00:04:41,345 --> 00:04:44,306 You're lying right now, aren't you? - Yes, I wanna strangle you. 109 00:04:47,559 --> 00:04:49,269 JASON: What even is this thing? 110 00:04:50,395 --> 00:04:51,563 I hate suits. 111 00:04:51,814 --> 00:04:54,566 They remind me of court, and going to court 112 00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:58,195 and being my own lawyer against the advice of the judge in court 113 00:04:58,612 --> 00:05:00,739 and getting immediately convicted in court. 114 00:05:01,198 --> 00:05:02,407 I think you look nice. 115 00:05:03,075 --> 00:05:04,243 I think you look sexy. 116 00:05:05,577 --> 00:05:06,578 Here. - JANET CHIMES 117 00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:09,665 I got you this to help your disguise. - Whoa, a briefcase? 118 00:05:10,874 --> 00:05:13,669 "Take my credit card to the hedge fund. I'll meet you at the martini store." 119 00:05:13,710 --> 00:05:15,838 Oh, you're gonna get caught. Give me the briefcase back. Thanks. 120 00:05:16,338 --> 00:05:17,214 Aw... 121 00:05:17,297 --> 00:05:19,758 Janet, you need to get in character, too. 122 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:23,220 Now, I know you look like a Bad Janet but can you act like one? 123 00:05:23,428 --> 00:05:24,805 I have gained a lot of new skills recently. 124 00:05:24,847 --> 00:05:27,140 For example, I learned how to be passive aggressive. 125 00:05:27,182 --> 00:05:29,142 Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed. 126 00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:31,478 Oh! - Well, let's practice. 127 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:32,396 OK. 128 00:05:32,437 --> 00:05:33,856 I'm going to make a simple request 129 00:05:33,897 --> 00:05:36,650 and you're going to give me that patented "Bad Janet" attitude. 130 00:05:36,692 --> 00:05:38,944 Can I have a glass of water? - JANET CHIMES: Here you go. 131 00:05:39,194 --> 00:05:40,070 No. 132 00:05:40,112 --> 00:05:41,655 Let's try again. Be mean! 133 00:05:41,697 --> 00:05:45,117 Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water? 134 00:05:45,617 --> 00:05:46,577 No. 135 00:05:46,869 --> 00:05:49,288 I would never give you that, you... 136 00:05:50,455 --> 00:05:51,665 dumb person. 137 00:05:51,707 --> 00:05:53,584 Janet, what's that behind your back? - Nothing. 138 00:05:53,625 --> 00:05:55,210 Give it to me. - It's a glass of water. 139 00:05:55,419 --> 00:05:56,295 Oh... 140 00:05:56,503 --> 00:05:58,463 And a back-up glass. Oh, boy... - Oh! 141 00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:01,466 It's OK, we'll keep working. 142 00:06:01,508 --> 00:06:03,093 OK. - You'll get the hang of it 143 00:06:03,135 --> 00:06:07,431 Or my name isn't Rhonda Apple Pie Spiderman Mumps. 144 00:06:08,557 --> 00:06:09,558 We're here. 145 00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:14,605 ANNOUNCEMENT: All trains today are delayed by three hours. 146 00:06:15,022 --> 00:06:17,065 Just like they are every day. 147 00:06:18,066 --> 00:06:22,029 All passengers, you all suck and you're ugly. 148 00:06:22,446 --> 00:06:23,655 MICHAEL: Keep walking. 149 00:06:23,697 --> 00:06:25,908 Again. You all suck... - Keep your heads down. 150 00:06:26,158 --> 00:06:27,701 ...and you are ugly. 151 00:06:27,743 --> 00:06:29,536 Just act unnatural. 152 00:06:32,247 --> 00:06:33,332 MICHAEL: Hey, guys. 153 00:06:33,373 --> 00:06:36,043 So, you wait here, while I go get us some more of these pins. 154 00:06:36,084 --> 00:06:38,170 But what is this place? - It's just a place. 155 00:06:38,211 --> 00:06:41,715 You know, an area, or "location." It's pretty straightforward. 156 00:06:41,757 --> 00:06:43,425 "The Museum of Human Misery?" 157 00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:45,010 MICHAEL: Oh. Yeah, OK. 158 00:06:45,052 --> 00:06:46,386 It's a torture museum. 159 00:06:46,428 --> 00:06:50,641 Famous examples of bad behaviour, and explanations of the torture they earned. 160 00:06:50,682 --> 00:06:52,935 Is there a gift shop? - Jason, this is Hell. 161 00:06:53,268 --> 00:06:54,853 Of course there's a gift shop. 162 00:06:54,895 --> 00:06:59,858 It's the least horrifying room. It's the "Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness." 163 00:07:01,735 --> 00:07:04,613 "First person to floss in an open-plan office." 164 00:07:08,575 --> 00:07:11,286 Well, she deserves to be tortured - she's a monster. 165 00:07:11,328 --> 00:07:13,372 This was the safest place I could think of 166 00:07:13,413 --> 00:07:14,748 no one ever comes in here. 167 00:07:14,790 --> 00:07:17,125 Guys, if you do leave this room 168 00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:20,170 you're gonna see things that will haunt you for eternity. 169 00:07:21,004 --> 00:07:22,673 OK, back soon. Bye. 170 00:07:22,714 --> 00:07:23,882 Hey, hey. 171 00:07:24,424 --> 00:07:25,676 Be careful. OK? 172 00:07:27,094 --> 00:07:28,595 "Be careful"? 173 00:07:28,804 --> 00:07:29,721 Yeah. 174 00:07:30,263 --> 00:07:33,016 Oh, Eleanor, are you worried about me? 175 00:07:34,351 --> 00:07:35,519 Yeah, I'm worried. 176 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,188 I mean, cos you're our ticket out of here, genius. 177 00:07:38,230 --> 00:07:40,232 Don't go getting all goopy on me. 178 00:07:40,273 --> 00:07:41,525 No, worry about them. I'll be fine. 179 00:07:41,984 --> 00:07:42,985 OK. 180 00:07:44,236 --> 00:07:45,487 HE CHUCKLES 181 00:07:47,739 --> 00:07:51,535 "First man to send an unsolicited picture of his genitals." 182 00:07:56,623 --> 00:07:58,208 ROBOTIC VOICE: Heh... heh... heh... 183 00:07:58,583 --> 00:08:01,586 "First waiter to approach a diner with an empty plate" 184 00:08:01,628 --> 00:08:06,216 "and, sarcastically, say, 'I guess you hated it.'" 185 00:08:06,258 --> 00:08:08,510 "First white person to grow dreadlocks." 186 00:08:08,885 --> 00:08:12,222 And first person to call ultimate Frisbee "ultimate"! 187 00:08:12,264 --> 00:08:13,598 This dude rules! 188 00:08:13,890 --> 00:08:15,559 DOOR OPENS - MAN: Alright, everyone... 189 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:16,768 we've got a lot of work to do. 190 00:08:16,810 --> 00:08:19,521 Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall? 191 00:08:19,604 --> 00:08:23,984 Why don't you roll off your mum and do it yourself, ya fat dink? 192 00:08:24,443 --> 00:08:26,528 THEY CACKLE 193 00:08:27,612 --> 00:08:30,323 Set up more of those tables. We're expecting a big crowd. 194 00:08:30,365 --> 00:08:31,742 You got it, you piece of... 195 00:08:32,993 --> 00:08:34,119 butt. 196 00:08:34,411 --> 00:08:35,662 Son of a bitch! 197 00:08:35,829 --> 00:08:39,916 Still happy I can swear now, but everything else about this is very bad. 198 00:08:41,585 --> 00:08:43,503 INDISTINCT CHATTER 199 00:08:44,546 --> 00:08:45,422 MICHAEL: Hey, boss. 200 00:08:45,464 --> 00:08:46,423 I'm back. 201 00:08:46,631 --> 00:08:48,216 Welcome home. Axe up. 202 00:08:48,925 --> 00:08:51,094 Ho! New scent. 203 00:08:51,511 --> 00:08:53,013 "Transformers." - Yes. 204 00:08:53,055 --> 00:08:55,891 It makes you smell the way "Transformers" movies make you feel. 205 00:08:55,932 --> 00:08:58,393 Still can't believe those jack-offs got away from us. 206 00:08:58,435 --> 00:08:59,936 Really zips my tip. 207 00:08:59,978 --> 00:09:01,146 Yeah. - Anyway... 208 00:09:01,188 --> 00:09:04,649 I drew up some extradition papers to get them back from Mindy's. 209 00:09:04,691 --> 00:09:07,319 I think I'll take a few of my most trusted staff 210 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,238 hop in the Portal, file those with the Judge 211 00:09:10,655 --> 00:09:12,074 quick stop for pancakes 212 00:09:12,407 --> 00:09:13,867 and then I'll head on back. 213 00:09:13,909 --> 00:09:15,577 By the way, I'm gonna need, uh... 214 00:09:15,619 --> 00:09:17,537 four pins, for my crew. 215 00:09:17,788 --> 00:09:19,873 This is very thorough, however... 216 00:09:21,666 --> 00:09:25,212 Is that where we're putting top-priority files nowadays? 217 00:09:25,253 --> 00:09:26,922 We won't need extradition papers. 218 00:09:27,547 --> 00:09:31,259 Plans are already in motion to get the humans back in a different way. 219 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:32,636 Ah. 220 00:09:32,677 --> 00:09:34,638 LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS 221 00:09:36,014 --> 00:09:38,975 CHIDI: Oh man, this is not good. 222 00:09:39,351 --> 00:09:42,479 This is noooot good! 223 00:09:42,562 --> 00:09:45,607 Would you chill out? Haven't you ever crashed a party before? 224 00:09:45,649 --> 00:09:48,151 No! I've only been to like, four parties total 225 00:09:48,193 --> 00:09:50,779 and all of them were thrown by Tahani after I was already dead. 226 00:09:50,821 --> 00:09:54,324 Alright, well, we can't just stand here in a group, looks too conspicuous. 227 00:09:54,366 --> 00:09:56,618 I'll go with Tahani, Chidi go with Jason. 228 00:09:56,785 --> 00:09:59,955 That way, Jason's unearned confidence let's him do all the talking 229 00:09:59,996 --> 00:10:01,706 and you don't have to lie. OK? 230 00:10:01,748 --> 00:10:03,750 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Come on, Diana! Let's hit the bar! 231 00:10:03,792 --> 00:10:06,503 I'm gonna get me a tall glass of pipin' hot corn syrup 232 00:10:06,545 --> 00:10:09,089 and a scooter so I can roll around the mall! 233 00:10:09,756 --> 00:10:10,882 That's really good. - Thank you. 234 00:10:11,758 --> 00:10:12,634 Hors d'oeuvre? 235 00:10:12,926 --> 00:10:14,010 Ooh, what do you got? 236 00:10:14,427 --> 00:10:16,555 Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas 237 00:10:16,596 --> 00:10:17,931 Hawaiian pizza, of course 238 00:10:17,973 --> 00:10:21,309 and egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan. 239 00:10:21,643 --> 00:10:22,519 Uh, that! 240 00:10:22,769 --> 00:10:23,937 Have a terrible evening. 241 00:10:24,729 --> 00:10:27,357 No way! Trent? Is that you? 242 00:10:27,691 --> 00:10:29,651 Uh, who else could it be? 243 00:10:29,693 --> 00:10:32,612 Come on. Tap it out. Boom-boom! 244 00:10:33,029 --> 00:10:34,447 Whassup? I'm Chet. 245 00:10:34,614 --> 00:10:37,367 Jake is my name, Molotov cocktails is my game. 246 00:10:37,826 --> 00:10:41,371 I think school is lame, I gotta tattoo of David Blaine! What! 247 00:10:41,413 --> 00:10:42,664 Whoo! Tight! 248 00:10:42,706 --> 00:10:44,207 Ball tap! - JASON GROANS 249 00:10:44,457 --> 00:10:45,959 Dip! Ball tap! 250 00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:48,670 Oh! That's a firm ball tap, bro. 251 00:10:49,004 --> 00:10:52,883 Anyway, cha'boy Trent and I worked together in Partial Decapitations. 252 00:10:53,341 --> 00:10:55,135 When did you leave de-cap? 800 years ago? 253 00:10:55,177 --> 00:10:56,553 Uh, something like that. 254 00:10:56,595 --> 00:10:59,181 I just joined a new department - Toxic Masculinity. 255 00:10:59,514 --> 00:11:01,474 We torture internet trolls, frat dudes. 256 00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:03,518 It actually started as a training program 257 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,353 to prep for when the "Girls Gone Wild" dude gets here. 258 00:11:05,478 --> 00:11:06,688 Joe Francis! - The one. 259 00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:07,898 Legend! 260 00:11:07,939 --> 00:11:09,316 Ha-ha! Bro-hams! 261 00:11:09,482 --> 00:11:11,193 Get over here and meet my top dog, Trent. 262 00:11:11,443 --> 00:11:13,570 Dude's a straight beast when it comes to torture! 263 00:11:13,612 --> 00:11:14,487 Sup, bro? - Sup, bro? 264 00:11:14,529 --> 00:11:17,157 It's actually pretty choice that we're running into you right now. 265 00:11:17,199 --> 00:11:20,076 My top dog Dirk here, he got stuck with a new case. 266 00:11:20,452 --> 00:11:22,704 He can't crack it. Hit 'em with it, D-Money. 267 00:11:22,746 --> 00:11:25,165 So, I'm trying to torture this guy, right, Brant. 268 00:11:25,457 --> 00:11:29,294 Brant was a total lord - he got kicked off of Rob Gronkowski's party cruise 269 00:11:29,336 --> 00:11:32,839 for throwing a lobster at a stripper, and then he died doing a keg stand 270 00:11:32,881 --> 00:11:34,382 in the back of a moving Jeep Wrangler. 271 00:11:34,591 --> 00:11:37,135 Anyways, we run a couple hundred torture scenarios 272 00:11:37,177 --> 00:11:40,555 none of them seemed quite right, you know? Think we can get you to crack this nut? 273 00:11:40,597 --> 00:11:42,432 Well, I mean, how... how can I say no? 274 00:11:42,682 --> 00:11:44,893 THEY LAUGH - Yeah, I know how I would say no. 275 00:11:44,935 --> 00:11:45,810 You know, I'd be all like... 276 00:11:45,852 --> 00:11:46,728 HE SCREAMS: "No!" 277 00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:48,104 But... You know, I can't. 278 00:11:48,146 --> 00:11:50,440 You're so weird, Trent, man. You're always so weird. 279 00:11:50,482 --> 00:11:52,317 I love that about you. - Yeah... 280 00:11:52,359 --> 00:11:55,195 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Don't get me wrong, I love shoving hot dogs into people 281 00:11:55,237 --> 00:11:59,241 But once you've dogged every hole, you just start to feel like you're repeating yourself. 282 00:11:59,282 --> 00:12:00,158 Whew. I hear that, sister. 283 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,035 I'm gonna go take a dump - you want me to grab you one? 284 00:12:02,077 --> 00:12:03,203 Nah, I'm good, thanks. 285 00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:04,996 Not even a little nug? - Nah, I'm 'aight. 286 00:12:05,038 --> 00:12:05,872 Alright. 287 00:12:05,914 --> 00:12:07,415 Damn, you're good at this. 288 00:12:07,457 --> 00:12:10,502 Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough and you become pretty good at lying. 289 00:12:10,543 --> 00:12:14,422 Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all!" 290 00:12:14,464 --> 00:12:18,593 Hi there, you big stinky poop-face guys! 291 00:12:18,635 --> 00:12:19,844 Ugh, it's me - Good Janet! 292 00:12:19,886 --> 00:12:21,596 I'm sorry I called you big stinky poop-face guys. 293 00:12:21,638 --> 00:12:24,266 That's OK. Janet, can you dig around a little bit 294 00:12:24,307 --> 00:12:28,061 and find out what this event is, and how long it's gonna last? 295 00:12:28,103 --> 00:12:31,856 I'd love to! Punch your... teeth! 296 00:12:32,065 --> 00:12:32,941 Hey. 297 00:12:33,275 --> 00:12:34,150 Teeth... 298 00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:37,821 MICHAEL: What's all this? 299 00:12:37,862 --> 00:12:41,700 Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels 300 00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:42,826 but then I remembered - 301 00:12:43,785 --> 00:12:45,036 I'm a naughty bitch. 302 00:12:45,078 --> 00:12:46,413 THEY CHUCKLE - So... 303 00:12:46,454 --> 00:12:49,541 I sent a black ops team to Mindy's, to... "extract" them. 304 00:12:49,708 --> 00:12:52,669 Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed in Mindy's Neighbourhood. 305 00:12:52,711 --> 00:12:55,213 You can't do that, Shawn. It's... it's... it's illegal! 306 00:12:55,255 --> 00:12:56,131 Oh, no. 307 00:12:56,172 --> 00:12:59,801 Guys, Michael says this is illegal. I hadn't thought of that. 308 00:12:59,843 --> 00:13:01,261 THEY LAUGH 309 00:13:01,303 --> 00:13:03,513 That was sarcasm - I had thought of that. 310 00:13:03,555 --> 00:13:05,890 Listen, your experiment blew up in our faces. 311 00:13:05,932 --> 00:13:08,226 The example I made out of Vicky ensured that everybody from the Neighbourhood 312 00:13:08,268 --> 00:13:09,853 has kept their mouths shut, but we're not out of the woods 313 00:13:09,894 --> 00:13:11,563 until those four are back in custody. 314 00:13:11,604 --> 00:13:15,400 So, I rounded up some loyal friends, and took matters into my own hands. 315 00:13:15,775 --> 00:13:19,863 Relax, Mike. This will all be over soon, and we can all head down to the museum. 316 00:13:21,323 --> 00:13:22,324 The museum? 317 00:13:22,365 --> 00:13:24,993 Yes. Your Neighborhood - our Neighborhood 318 00:13:25,327 --> 00:13:27,495 is being immortalised for its success. 319 00:13:27,787 --> 00:13:29,039 It's all gonna work out. 320 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,042 I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason - 321 00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:33,460 I can only fail up. 322 00:13:33,752 --> 00:13:36,671 COMPUTER BUZZES - Oh, OK, our team is five minutes out. 323 00:13:36,713 --> 00:13:38,965 Bad Janet, burn us some popcorn. - JANET CHIMES 324 00:13:42,302 --> 00:13:43,845 Help yourselves, everybody. 325 00:13:44,971 --> 00:13:46,931 CHIDI: Hey! Hi. So, um... 326 00:13:46,973 --> 00:13:49,476 those bro demons over there think I'm some kind of great torturer 327 00:13:49,517 --> 00:13:51,561 and they want my advice on how to torture someone. 328 00:13:51,853 --> 00:13:54,856 Jason is stalling by ranking MMA ring girls with them 329 00:13:54,898 --> 00:13:56,191 but I have to do something. 330 00:13:56,232 --> 00:13:58,526 Eleanor, you're wearing glasses now, help me! 331 00:13:58,568 --> 00:14:00,028 You know the answer, dude. 332 00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:03,073 Lie your ass off. If Rhonda can do it, you can. 333 00:14:03,406 --> 00:14:07,452 You know, I once shoved a hot dog right down the throat of the legendary John Wayne. 334 00:14:08,203 --> 00:14:09,662 She even name-drops in Hell. 335 00:14:09,704 --> 00:14:11,748 I told you, lies have consequences! 336 00:14:11,790 --> 00:14:13,875 I will have contributed to someone's eternal torture 337 00:14:13,917 --> 00:14:16,836 because I disobeyed a basic Kantian moral principle. 338 00:14:17,170 --> 00:14:18,171 I'm gonna be sick. 339 00:14:18,213 --> 00:14:20,715 And I don't want to go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet 340 00:14:20,757 --> 00:14:22,258 and that makes you really confront what you're doing! 341 00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:25,387 OK, OK. Sit down. Take a breath. 342 00:14:26,346 --> 00:14:28,431 Rub your lucky bookmark. Hear me out. 343 00:14:28,890 --> 00:14:32,727 What if lying is ethical, in this situation? 344 00:14:32,769 --> 00:14:36,272 What if, uh... certain actions aren't universally good or bad 345 00:14:36,314 --> 00:14:37,774 like Jonathan Dancy says? 346 00:14:38,858 --> 00:14:42,237 Jonathan Dancy? Are... are you talking about moral particularism? 347 00:14:42,278 --> 00:14:43,530 We never even covered that. 348 00:14:44,989 --> 00:14:46,699 You read on your own! - SHE SCOFFS 349 00:14:46,741 --> 00:14:49,994 You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun? 350 00:14:50,412 --> 00:14:51,287 I... - Look. 351 00:14:51,329 --> 00:14:56,709 Moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation. 352 00:14:56,751 --> 00:14:59,754 Like, let's say you... you promised your friend you'd go to the movies 353 00:14:59,921 --> 00:15:02,424 but then your mum suddenly gets rushed to the ER? 354 00:15:02,465 --> 00:15:05,427 Your boy Kant would say, "never break a promise." 355 00:15:05,677 --> 00:15:08,847 "Go see 'Chronicles of Riddick,' doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely" 356 00:15:08,888 --> 00:15:10,974 "and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet." 357 00:15:11,015 --> 00:15:12,016 Real example? - Yep. 358 00:15:12,308 --> 00:15:14,811 But a moral particularist - like me 359 00:15:15,103 --> 00:15:16,729 I'm one now, I just decided 360 00:15:16,855 --> 00:15:21,359 would say, "There's no absolute rule, you have to choose your actions" 361 00:15:21,401 --> 00:15:23,445 "based on the particular situation." 362 00:15:23,486 --> 00:15:26,489 And right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation. 363 00:15:26,823 --> 00:15:30,076 I don't think I can change what I believe, just like that. 364 00:15:30,118 --> 00:15:33,788 And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal Hell 365 00:15:33,830 --> 00:15:37,167 lecturing my teacher-slash-ex-lover about moral particularism 366 00:15:37,208 --> 00:15:38,793 but life throws you curveballs, bro! 367 00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:42,547 And need I remind you, it was doing things your way that made you end up here. 368 00:15:43,548 --> 00:15:45,592 Hey, man! Get back over there, dog! 369 00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:47,802 Damn... 370 00:15:47,927 --> 00:15:49,095 You got that good stank. 371 00:15:49,137 --> 00:15:50,680 Thanks. Right back at you, bud. 372 00:15:50,847 --> 00:15:52,307 Smash you later. Let's roll. 373 00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:55,518 INDISTINCT CHATTER 374 00:16:01,191 --> 00:16:03,193 Hey, bu... ass! 375 00:16:03,735 --> 00:16:04,694 Butt-ass. 376 00:16:04,736 --> 00:16:07,489 How long is this stupid event supposed to last, anyway? 377 00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:09,199 They're unveiling the exhibit in ten minutes 378 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,534 then everyone'll get drunk and poke each other with hot sticks 379 00:16:11,576 --> 00:16:12,494 and then it'll be over. 380 00:16:12,952 --> 00:16:14,078 Farts. 381 00:16:18,374 --> 00:16:19,250 Uh-oh. 382 00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:22,003 Bad Janet? Walkie-Talkie Mode. 383 00:16:24,172 --> 00:16:26,049 MAN'S VOICE: Now entering Mindy St Claire's house. 384 00:16:26,132 --> 00:16:27,509 This is so exciting! 385 00:16:27,759 --> 00:16:29,219 I hope everyone gets hurt! 386 00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:31,513 MAN'S VOICE: Living room is clear. Entering the bedroom. 387 00:16:31,554 --> 00:16:32,847 MINDY: Oh, yeah! 388 00:16:32,889 --> 00:16:34,390 DEREK: Ow. - MINDY: Oh, God! 389 00:16:34,432 --> 00:16:36,267 This feels so weird! 390 00:16:36,309 --> 00:16:38,478 DEREK: Here we go. - MINDY: Oh! Do some coke off my butt! 391 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,689 Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you guys? - DEREK: Oh! Friends! 392 00:16:41,731 --> 00:16:42,607 Hi, I'm Derek. 393 00:16:43,525 --> 00:16:46,110 Where are the humans? And who is Derek? 394 00:16:46,152 --> 00:16:48,696 DEREK: Me is Derek. These are my wind chimes. - CHIMES TINKLE 395 00:16:48,738 --> 00:16:50,865 Uh, oh! Oh! My wind chimes like you. 396 00:16:50,990 --> 00:16:52,992 MAN'S VOICE: The only people here are Mindy St Claire 397 00:16:53,034 --> 00:16:55,203 and an unknown male with a genital deformity. 398 00:16:55,245 --> 00:16:56,746 The four humans are not here. 399 00:16:58,790 --> 00:16:59,832 Where is Michael? 400 00:17:00,208 --> 00:17:01,876 Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy... 401 00:17:02,335 --> 00:17:03,336 MAN: Hey there, Mike. 402 00:17:03,378 --> 00:17:05,421 HE GASPS - Hey, Lance! Lookin' good, buddy! 403 00:17:05,463 --> 00:17:07,298 Lose some weight? - Heh! I wish. 404 00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:08,216 Listen up, people. 405 00:17:08,258 --> 00:17:10,260 We need to find Michael, and we need to be discrete. 406 00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:13,555 You, search from the spastic dentistry department down through "disembowelment." 407 00:17:13,596 --> 00:17:17,267 You, cover "children's dance recitals" through "Holiday Weekend Ikea." Go! 408 00:17:18,268 --> 00:17:22,230 Hey, hey, hey! Found him. He was birddogging some tail. 409 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:23,606 Yeah, what you got for me, Trent? 410 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:29,279 Well, peep this, dawg. You really wanna torture this dirtbag? 411 00:17:30,446 --> 00:17:31,364 You give him books. 412 00:17:32,073 --> 00:17:33,157 I'm serious. 413 00:17:33,408 --> 00:17:38,288 This one time I was assigned this, uh... chick that I... I had to torture 414 00:17:38,329 --> 00:17:40,540 and I just couldn't figure it out. 415 00:17:40,582 --> 00:17:43,418 And then I realized - she hated books. 416 00:17:43,459 --> 00:17:46,421 So, I just gave her mad books to read, around the clock. 417 00:17:46,879 --> 00:17:49,048 And the books, like... exploded? 418 00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:50,174 No, no, no, no, uh... 419 00:17:50,216 --> 00:17:52,844 they were just you know, uh... regular moral philosophy books. 420 00:17:52,885 --> 00:17:54,721 You know, everyone hates moral philosophers. 421 00:17:54,971 --> 00:17:55,847 That is true. 422 00:17:55,972 --> 00:17:59,767 And I... I know it's wild, but, you know, sometimes you gotta think outside the bun. 423 00:17:59,809 --> 00:18:01,185 Whoo! - Ah, sick Taco Bell ref. 424 00:18:01,227 --> 00:18:02,145 Very nice. 425 00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:04,606 But I don't know, man. It sounds kind of lame. 426 00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:06,149 This guy's the best? Really? 427 00:18:08,276 --> 00:18:10,320 Yeah, you know, maybe I don't know what I'm talking ab-- 428 00:18:10,361 --> 00:18:11,738 ball tap! - DIRK GROANS 429 00:18:11,946 --> 00:18:13,323 THEY CHEER 430 00:18:13,573 --> 00:18:15,867 That's what you get for questioning Trent! 431 00:18:15,908 --> 00:18:17,201 The torture master! 432 00:18:17,243 --> 00:18:18,661 He got you so bad! 433 00:18:19,037 --> 00:18:20,872 He did. He did. Nice job, bro. 434 00:18:21,497 --> 00:18:24,042 Alright, you've convinced me. I'll give him books. 435 00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:28,379 Hey, you two. Get your ugly necks over here. 436 00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:32,925 Guys, I found something very bad. We have to get out of here right now. 437 00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:34,802 Alright, everybody gather around. Gather round. 438 00:18:34,844 --> 00:18:36,220 This is the moment we've all been waiting for. 439 00:18:36,262 --> 00:18:38,389 What do we do? - Just don't draw attention. 440 00:18:38,431 --> 00:18:40,642 Whatever this is, it'll be over in a second and we can sneak out the door. 441 00:18:40,683 --> 00:18:44,395 Feast your eyes on the newest exhibit here at The Museum of Human Misery. 442 00:18:44,437 --> 00:18:48,816 The Residents of Neighborhood 12358W. 443 00:18:49,984 --> 00:18:51,944 CROWD GASPS AND APPLAUDS 444 00:18:52,278 --> 00:18:53,279 Oh, no. 445 00:18:53,613 --> 00:18:55,448 Is that what they think my hair looks like? 446 00:18:55,490 --> 00:19:00,870 This game-changing experiment chose four humans and had them torture each other. 447 00:19:01,204 --> 00:19:05,166 It's already led to major breakthroughs in the future of our industry. 448 00:19:05,208 --> 00:19:08,086 Now, obviously we couldn't get the actual four idiots 449 00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:11,631 as they're off being tortured, so we cooked up the next best thing. 450 00:19:12,298 --> 00:19:13,591 Wanna meet them? - CROWD: Yes! 451 00:19:13,633 --> 00:19:17,261 I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention-seeker 452 00:19:17,303 --> 00:19:20,890 with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion 453 00:19:21,432 --> 00:19:22,809 which I've been to, by the way! 454 00:19:22,850 --> 00:19:23,935 CROWD LAUGHS 455 00:19:23,976 --> 00:19:26,562 I have, actually. It's remarkable. 456 00:19:26,604 --> 00:19:27,814 It's remarkable. 457 00:19:27,855 --> 00:19:29,148 CROWD LAUGHS 458 00:19:29,190 --> 00:19:33,903 I'm Chidi Anagonye. Or maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything. 459 00:19:33,945 --> 00:19:35,738 CROWD LAUGHS - Or maybe I can. 460 00:19:36,155 --> 00:19:40,618 Ah! I can't decide! My stomach hurts! 461 00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:42,912 CROWD LAUGHS - ELEANOR LAUGHS 462 00:19:43,371 --> 00:19:46,249 What? They kinda nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff. 463 00:19:46,290 --> 00:19:47,834 I'm Eleanor Shellstrop 464 00:19:48,042 --> 00:19:52,255 I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me. 465 00:19:52,296 --> 00:19:53,589 That's fair, that's fair. 466 00:19:53,881 --> 00:19:55,425 I'm Jason Mendoza. 467 00:19:56,551 --> 00:19:57,677 Duh! 468 00:19:57,719 --> 00:19:59,053 CROWD LAUGHS - JASON LAUGHS 469 00:19:59,095 --> 00:19:59,971 That's me. 470 00:20:01,055 --> 00:20:02,140 ELEANOR: Hey, where have you been? 471 00:20:02,181 --> 00:20:05,226 Ooh! How do you smell loud and confusing? 472 00:20:05,268 --> 00:20:07,854 No time to explain. We gotta go. I got the travel pins. 473 00:20:07,895 --> 00:20:10,314 Yo! That looks like my boy Trent. 474 00:20:10,857 --> 00:20:12,150 And isn't that Rhonda Mumps? 475 00:20:12,191 --> 00:20:13,151 Come on! 476 00:20:13,192 --> 00:20:14,777 There he is. - Uh-oh! 477 00:20:14,819 --> 00:20:16,362 And he's got the humans with him. 478 00:20:16,404 --> 00:20:17,822 Alright, let's just back up here. 479 00:20:17,864 --> 00:20:19,115 What do we do? 480 00:20:19,657 --> 00:20:20,533 This! 481 00:20:23,536 --> 00:20:25,663 Jortles! 482 00:20:26,038 --> 00:20:27,373 EXPLOSION - CROWD GASPS 483 00:20:27,415 --> 00:20:28,291 JASON: Go! 484 00:20:30,877 --> 00:20:32,295 CHIDI: Hey, Eleanor, thanks for the advice. 485 00:20:32,336 --> 00:20:34,464 It was really helpful. Even though I had to say a lot of words I don't like 486 00:20:34,505 --> 00:20:36,632 like "douche," and "chick," and "peep this." - OK, great. No problem. 487 00:20:36,674 --> 00:20:38,509 I'm just kind of focused on running right now! 488 00:20:43,139 --> 00:20:45,266 Here. Put the pins on your lapels. 489 00:20:45,975 --> 00:20:46,851 CHIDI: OK, OK... 490 00:20:46,893 --> 00:20:48,561 Uh, you didn't give me a pin, man. I don't have one. 491 00:20:48,853 --> 00:20:49,979 OK, OK. Hang on. Hang on. 492 00:20:50,021 --> 00:20:51,063 Hey, where's Janet? 493 00:20:51,105 --> 00:20:53,983 No time to wait for her. You three go, now. Now! 494 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:57,403 SHE YELLS 495 00:20:58,946 --> 00:21:00,072 CHIDI YELLS 496 00:21:00,907 --> 00:21:01,866 Portals! 497 00:21:03,326 --> 00:21:04,619 Any day now, man! 498 00:21:04,744 --> 00:21:05,620 SHAWN: Hey! 499 00:21:08,039 --> 00:21:09,081 Hey, guess what? 500 00:21:10,958 --> 00:21:12,752 I just solved the Trolley Problem. 501 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,173 Remember? The thought experiment, where you're driving the trolley 502 00:21:17,215 --> 00:21:21,803 and you're gonna either plough into a group of people, or turn and hit one person? 503 00:21:22,470 --> 00:21:23,346 I solved it. 504 00:21:23,387 --> 00:21:25,306 That's really great. But I don't think now's the time. 505 00:21:25,348 --> 00:21:28,684 See, the Trolley Problem forces you to choose between two versions 506 00:21:28,726 --> 00:21:30,353 of letting other people die. 507 00:21:30,436 --> 00:21:32,772 And the actual solution is very simple 508 00:21:34,816 --> 00:21:36,234 sacrifice yourself. 509 00:21:36,275 --> 00:21:37,193 What does that mean? 510 00:21:39,570 --> 00:21:40,905 You look after the others. 511 00:21:41,197 --> 00:21:42,198 They need you. - No. 512 00:21:42,949 --> 00:21:44,158 SHAWN: Step away from the portal! 513 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:45,618 Goodbye, Eleanor. - No, no, wait! 514 00:21:45,660 --> 00:21:46,661 Wait! 515 00:21:51,666 --> 00:21:52,542 Hey, boss. 516 00:21:52,834 --> 00:21:53,918 What's up?